FUNK
& I'm trying to bump myself
OUT of it
in jason's communication he said
dad TOLD HIM
that HE was his FAVORITE*
AND
that I was the love of his life
& he said some other stuff
& I SAID
I would respond
BUT
that I needed to THINK about
WHAT to SAY
the THING is
if he didn't
NOTICE
HOW
I was treated**
**he was pretty young and not present for everything, obviously
HOW
everything went DOWN
I JUST really don't WANT to have to
RE-CREATE it all for him
ESPECIALLY since
the likelihood
that he will
THEN
try to mansplain to ME
HOW I'm getting it
ALL WRONG
AND
I REALLY don't WANT to
HAVE to
KILL
him
I don't think I OWE him
to have to re-inact
my pain, ya KNOW
& EVEN if I DO
I DON'T WANT to
it SERVES a purpose
to explain to you
BECAUSE
I'm trying to have a relationship with you
BUT
what possible purpose can it serve
to tell him
ANY of it
SO
I'm NOT SURE where THAT conversation
is going to GO
I have tree pollen allergies
& I think there must be
a f*CK ton of pollen
because I coughed up a half a cup at least
of drainage from my sinuses
this morning
& I'm hobbling pretty bad at this point
I'm not sure
WHY
I feel KINDA
BROKEN
& it's making the positive
HARD
it occurred to me
that getting
MASSAGE
MIGHT
be a way to re-acclimate myself to being touched
generally
NO ONE touches me
& I'm not sure
THAT
hasn't had an impact on this
EXTREME
whatever you call this sh*t going on with me
ANYWAY
right now, I'm just not feeling very well
& I'm having trouble
BOUNCING myself
OUT of it
I think I said that already
*I think he probably told john this too, I think whichever kid he's talking to is his favorite; although, if he was living with jason at the time, that might have locked him in
