I don't NEED
CLOSURE
from deborah
I went NO CONTACT as soon as I was ABLE
& I DID run into her
MAYBE
at born in flames
definitely at the Texas lesbian conference
she saw me
& I couldn't
AVOID her
SHE was TELLING me about her partner
& I think they had been
TOGETHER
about five years at THAT point
& I'm all LIKE
THAT is a LONG TIME
to be with you
& THAT took care of it
SHE must have
AVOIDED ME
because I didn't SEE her AGAIN there
BUT
NOW that I'm TRYING to REMEMBER
she TOLD jason I was there
& he TOLD me
she said I was there
& I CONFIRMED
I was there
& THAT
CONCLUDED
our conversation
HE wasn't ASKING me
ANYTHING
& I wasn't
LOOKING
to have a conversation about my identity
I was in my twenties
I wasn't really
FEELING
the sisterhood, but I was SEEING
what it was LIKE -- the conference
I wasn't MEETING people
I'm not sure whether I was trying to or not
at SOME later point
HE SAID
she asked him something about me
& he SAID
SHE'S BITTER
I forgot THAT
WHY
is it that people who abuse me
SEEM to WANT me
to COMFORT
THEM
I don't believe
SHE or jason
REALLY believe ANY HARM came to ME
THEY just want me to get OVER it
& I SAY
I'm getting OVER it
BUT
I don't understand what that has to do with you
there is NO interaction with deborah
that has ANY chance of making
ANYTHING different for ME
I don't CARE if she's SORRY
THAT is her
BUSINESS and I don't care if she's NOT either
BUT
ALL my SEEING her would accomplish is
MAKING HER
FEEL better
because I
"FORGAVE" her
& I don't SEE HOW that's MY RESPONSIBILITY
ANY contact with the TOXIC
HURTS ME
I protect ME
cause f*CKING WHO else is gonna do it
WHY is there this PRETENSE
that this is good for ME
I don't UNDERSTAND
NOT even
VAGUELY
make it make sense
