here's to twenty twenty six

happy new year sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

dreamy

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I've been having VERY active DREAMS 

STUFF is going on in there

it's LIKE 

they don't want me to 

KNOW 

soup philosophy

I should 

NEVER have called out

SKINCARE in that WAY 

HUBRIS 

(I'm really a mess now)

BUT 

I ordered more of the Yogi tooth serum --

--  from canada I might add --

----  which is the ONLY thing that makes me brush at night ----

& I WANTED MORE nutritionals

in my SOUP

I WANTED burdock 

& I found a place I could get it 

BUT --  then I remembered 

healthforce nutritionals EARTH 

I used three heaping tablespoons 

& I altered what I put in

SLIGHTLY 

when I just added it

I was TASTING 

CLASH

I left out the white pepper, I left out the toasted sesame seed oil, I upped the harissa and the applewood smoked dulce, I left out the vinegar, I used three heaping tablespoons of EARTH 

it's not just that it ties in to my whoo whoo raw food experiments in super foods 

it's ALSO like the essiac herbs and probiotic roots

I was pretty happy with my adjustments 

it WANTED some 

collard greens

this soup doesn't cook that long

collard greens pre-cooked

FEELS like a 

STRETCH 

there are these adorable RAMEN toppings 

being advertised everywhere 

BUT 

that's pretty processed, RIGHT 

I am both attracted and repulsed by the IDEA 

to be honest I'm super curious about the 

MUSHROOM bundle 

the IDEA of convenient "variety toppings" for soup

BUT 

I keep turning myself 

AWAY

it's medicinal soup

today

I'm not sure how to say

TODAY went 

I was not

extremely stressed

BUT 

I didn't get much done either

I'm irritated that my knee isn't back to normal 

I rested it yesterday 

& took an epsom salt bath

I iced it

TODAY 

I really had to push myself 

I walked over to my mom's 

took in her mail

read through it -- actionable -- important -- info

changed the light configuration 

put out a couple bags of trash

WONDERED

if she's coming back here

specifically did NOT 

START DOING any thing that would LEAD

to RESENTMENT 

walked home

trying to 

BEND more so I'm not walking STIFF 

they've been tearing up a drive through bank across the street from me

it's been closed 

for years

I'm not sure WHY they're tearing it down NOW 

I mean 

are they making them 

clear the eyesore

or do they have a tenant 

they couldn't rent out the bank

they're almost done, but it has been stressful for my cat -- if they start building sh*t -- it is gonna be HARD times for kitties 

he's KINDA clingy MENACING 

he WANTS pets

he purrs

LOUD

before you even pet him

he SEEMS like 

he WANTS 

pets

BUT he BITES 

SO

when he STARTS feeling menacing 

I push him AWAY 

he'll creep back up

when I'm not watching 

and then I move my

FOOT

& he BITES me

& I'm LIKE 

if I'm 

bleeding I MIGHT 

BEAT you

I was not bleeding 

then I zoned out

flipping through YouTube 

starting to watch things

not really watching 

good morning sweetheart (edited)

as I ask this morning 

what did he THINK about THAT 

was it weird 

is THIS 

NOT 

what he's looking for from me

instead of tarot

I thought 

runes

let me ask the digital runes

because MAYBE that gives a bigger picture or something 

the runes

we're a BAD IDEA 

THORN & something else obstacle-y

unwanted, difficult, yucky

I'm LIKE 

I MEAN, can it really be THAT bad

I feel like I've mentioned it before, not a secret, not never mentioned 

BUT 

maybe NOW is a bad time

MAYBE 

it's offensive that I fell asleep while saying it

whatever 

I asked the tarot

& it said 

the LOVERS

& this explains why I ask the tarot

& NOT the runes

I feel like 

the runes always 

are always 

telling me exactly what I don't want to hear

the tarot

OFTEN tells me something 

ambiguous or that I don't understand 

SOMETIMES it tells me what I want to hear

BUT 

I never feel like it is just 

f*CKing with me

MAYBE 

it's just the facade runes that hate me

I just found another one

& it said GEBO

which is LIKE gift

but less specifically gift than

look for the best outcome

win/win

balance harmony

BUT 

it always makes me think about

a manager trainee I had

at starbucks 

I would always talk to the truck drivers who brought the plant order

they didn't work for starbucks 

they worked for the freight company 

BUT 

they were bringing stuff in

I appreciated it

& it seemed

natural to talk to them

there was this one

he was having a hard time with life

so maybe I talked to him a little bit MORE 

& this RMT (retail manager trainee)

(who I liked, btw)

she would always make me

SUPER uncomfortable 

by saying 

EVERY time 

he looks like

he wants to give you "the gift"

which she had to

EXPLAIN to me 

& I begged her to STOP because it made me

SO uncomfortable 

BUT 

I THINK 

she THOUGHT 

I was not being honest about the discomfort 

just the WHOLE concept 

the IDEA of giving someone 

the IDEA that my being friendly was

GENERATING

something I needed to then

WORRY about 

SO

MAYBE 

that taints that runes too

I'm never sure how all that works

personal interpretation 

& history 

I think 

MAYBE 

a tool like that

is ONLY useful if you use it OFTEN 

connect with the divination tool over time

if you just casually pick it up

maybe, with runes, it's got schadenfreude and it's LIKE 

oooo let's f*CK with this b*tch

I was falling asleep as I wrote this

pretend 

my understanding of sex

& physical attraction 

has not become 

ABSTRACTED

that I am

perhaps

a grown woman who KNOWS 

what she WANTS 

or contrariwise 

a virgin

who

doesn't YET know anything 

& really 

WHY bother to pretend

anything before 

isn't me

in some relevant 

WAY

& my DESIRE to 

kiss you

pre-dates me

meaningfully

I'm sure I can imagine 

the feel of your lips

I want to

KISS you 

incoming tarot news

new cards

TAROT-wise

it was empress and death 

NOW

it's the 

EMPEROR & DEATH 

this is two different decks

+ SOME of those channel people that I'm watching 

ALSO

THREE of CUPS and THREE of PENTACLES 

together 

when cut the deck

OR 

in some other way 

RIGHT NEXT to each other 

ALSO

the STAR is showing up frequently 

the EMPEROR 

is one of the cards

that is you

SOMETIMES 

SO

I assume 

whatever that stuff meant for me

it's fixin' to catch you too

BUT 

I can't think what the three & three could mean 

EXCEPT 

some kind of

HAPPY productivity 

celebratory 3/cups

skilled artisanship 3/pentacles

& I always liked that our card was 3/pentacles 

I know it's not traditionally

ROMANTIC 

BUT 

I guess I'm WEIRD 

today was okay, but still exhausted

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

thoughts!?

I AM

really experiencing 

a SENSE 

of being somebody I haven't been in a while

which is

WEIRD 

I MEAN 

I'm talking about PARTS 

BUT 

I'm not usually thinking in terms of like multiples

I think of it as perspectives 

BUT 

I just got this SENSE it made me think

WTF

surprise for me

I went to see her

she wasn't in her room 

I texted

where are you currently?

no reply

I called her

no reply 

I sat there in her room 

a nurse came in to take vitals 

she knew where she was

although she didn't 

GO THERE 

for vitals

she was asleep 

SITTING UP

on the sofa

not actually watching 

BIG BANG theory 

which she apparently likes

though she doesn't believe in television 

SO

we're sitting quietly 

which isn't BAD 

the SOUND is TOO low for me to hear anything 

& the subtitles are TOO SMALL 

SO

I don't even have to watch it

BEST

VISIT

EVER

HOW SOON 

can I leave 

goodnight sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I need to sleep 

BUT 

I keep seeing 

me and you

sitting on the open edge of the house

legs dangling 

looking at the light

falling on a giant rock

on a path close to us that winds through 

the garden 

bits & pieces

I'm having issues 

with my BODY 

I'm trying to be kind to my knees

& I'm swinging 

WILDLY

between 

I KINDA dig the overall shape of me

& OMG I WANT to be 

SMALLER 

this is

TOO 

HEAVY -- I can't DO anything 

Oowie owie owie

I THOUGHT we

we're doing BETTER in this

CATEGORY 

SKIN CARE is knocking it OUT of the PARK

EVEN with the EXTREME picking

BUT 

WE are having TROUBLE getting her to 

TAKE the supplements 

ALL the things that WE THOUGHT 

made her FEEL BETTER 

we can't get her to do them

does she WANT to HURT MORE 

EVERYTHING she DOES 

contributes to a pattern of 

OPTING OUT of 

self care that is TOO MUCH today

& then

it's 

a BATTLE every subsequent day

UNTIL it's NOT anymore 

SOUP

seems to have taken a bit of a holiday 

DAIRY

I think I probably am low-key allergic 

BUT 

cottage cheese 

is comfort food

I have non-standard tastes

I'm REALLY into a new tea

CASCARA

it's dried

COFFEE 

fruit

that dried on the beans

it has SOME way

that it's 

KINDA like 

COFFEE 

it's not, though

NOT really like TEA either

GREAT mouth feel 

it might be 

WEIRD 

I have non-standard tastes

this didn't end up where it started

there's a WAY my past

FALLS AWAY 

from me 

I know I've mentioned before, but it's a recurring 

there's a WAY 

I feel connected and a WAY

NOT 

& I WONDER

is the answer to LOOK 

MAYBE 

& THEN

I wonder LIKE which is 

EGO

in the END, do I got enough, too much, none

WHAT

does that MEAN 

WHY

can't I ANSWER that question 

is it that I can't see myself clearly enough 

BLIND SPOTS 

I've been thinking lately 

when I wanted to

QUIT dance

because I had caught on

I wasn't good enough 

my body shape was wrong 

he didn't have anything to do with it 

my mom was happy to stop

paying for lessons 

BUT 

he called me

& he SAID 

do don't have to quit things

because you can't do them professionally 

you can just do things

because you love to do them

I don't think I completely disagreed

in theory

BUT 

it made NO sense 

with regard to DANCE

HOW much of THAT 

had to DO

with the

MYSTIQUE of DANCE

it had an internal structure 

& THAT was as much

PART of the fantasy

of being a dancer

it wasn't ABOUT 

DANCING in the park, ya KNOW 

MAYBE 

I'm not sure what he was trying to warn me AGAINST 

WHAT PART

of these things I have wanted

MIGHT tell me

something 

I enjoyed interacting with the physical world

in the WAY that they talk about it

FEELING like you're being 

PULLED straight up

by a STRING

that runs through your spine

OUT the TOP of 

your HEAD 

& you are supposed to be EMOTING

TELLING a STORY 

with your body

I guess 

THAT would have continued

I could have kept THAT 

BUT 

I guess this is WHY 

I KEEP coming 

back to TAI CHI or some sort of ENERGY system 

integration

I guess the realization that 

I have to work for myself 

because 

I just am fundamentally unsuited

to do anything else 

KINDA 

piles on to

I don't know HOW to make 

THIS particular 

UNIT

DO things CORRECTLY 

& THAT

SOUNDS 

KINDA WEIRD 

& it should 

because it LAYERS

I'm not sure how my operating system works

I have a hard time getting 

the outcome I'm looking for 

+

THIS UNIT

doesn't COMPLY 

& this is a problem I come back to again & again 

SOME of the PARTS 

MAYBE 

they aren't as committed to integration 

my dad USED to TELL me 

that he was the

FASTEST 

& BEST

sign painter

SO that

when he screwed something up 

TRANSPOSED 

LETTERS 

misunderstood written directions 

NOBODY 

was looking to fire him

the WAY you 

DO things

is

FAST

& BETTER than ANYONE else 

HOW much 

of THAT did I ABSORB 

thoughts

I passed out again, I guess 

I'm not happy about the amount of 

EXHAUSTED 

I am

I was thinking about it 

BEFORE 

I had my pandemic breakdown 

I spent a lot of time 

FEELING like

I was contributing to happiness 

I experienced my work in the service industry 

as helping, helpful, creating an environment 

BUT 

by the time I was 

locking myself in my apartment 

I felt like 

NOBODY else 

actually 

saw me as doing anything important 

I was just some throwaway 

& then I lived in a world 

where I didn't need to

interact with people 

& NOW

when I think 

I could start a co-habitation world

there's a resistance to the IDEA 

that other people have any

INTEREST

in being in my world

OR

that I can be relatable 

OR

that I WANT to be around other people 

& it's limiting

I have this IDEA that what I'm "supposed" to do

is find the WAY I can contribute to the 

WORLD

(make it better, fulfill needs)

BUT 

I feel like that's what I ALWAYS tried to do

& NOW

it needs to be

ABOUT 

fulfilling MY needs

BUT 

SOMETHING about that

FEELS like 

it's not right, or it won't work, or it's too self centered to be opening me up 

& MAYBE 

it's just

second guessing myself 

I feel like my mom is too much interference 

BUT 

it's the way the level works

I think my perspective is different enough to be useful, but I don't know how much sense I make

& I feel like the things I am blind-spotted about 

MIGHT be SUPER important for figuring sh*t out

& I feel like 

I'm not 

FUN

BUT 

I might be fun

when I work through everything 

this FEELS like a LOOP

I'm not sure about this advice

quetz"/

can you tell me

what I need right now 

to feel like myself and not

a mask

or whatever 

STOP explaining yourself 

STOP listening to what your mom says 

she's getting supply

by confusing you

she's not TRYING to make SENSE 

you should talk to her 

LIKE 

normal people talk to cats

HOW 

do "normal" people talk to cats

I can't explain it to YOU 

YOU don't talk to ANYTHING like normal people talk to cats

WHY don't you try to confuse HER

when she says things like

they just left him there

DEAD

TRY

something like

DID his GHOST dance around the room?

COULD you FEEL his SPIRIT leave his body?

OR

HOW MANY different types of ELEPHANTS are there?

HOW LONG until your SPIRIT animal returns from the seminar on training it's HUMAN?

WHAT is your SECRET name?

ANYTHING 

that makes no sense will probably work

MAYBE 

if you have your own 

FICTIONAL world 

it'll make her

insecure

about hers 

BUT 

& this is important 

DON'T EMOTIONALLY ENGAGE

neutral happy

SILLY HAPPY, whatever 

make her worry that you've 

LOST your MIND

LIKE 

MAYBE 

she can't TRUST your judgement 

that's the GOAL 

UNREACHABLE 

HOW 

am I supposed to DO THAT 

DUNNO 

I'm guessing it will be SUPER difficult 

BUT 

just PRETEND you're a normal person 

who doesn't listen

who doesn't talk to learn things

repeat things she says

A LOT 

DON'T listen

SEEM to have an imaginary friend 

SCARE HER

I don't know if I can do that 

DON'T ASK 

if you don't want the ANSWER 

astrological cycles?

I'm not out yet

I'm watching an astrology video 

& it said June 25th was

my luckiest day

of twenty twenty five

& some sh*t coming up is tied to that day

BUT 

I didn't remember, specifically 

THAT

was the TORNADO siren day

with the two tornadoes 

I was running 

BETWEEN 

WHAT does THAT mean 

for cycles & patterns

I wonder 

perhaps not an auspicious start

I just saw a video 

where David Foster Wallace gives

FIVE bits of advice to

basically 

his writing students 

&

that made me remember 

I started his book 

BUT 

I didn't finish it 

I start books

I don't finish them

SOME percentage of the time 

& I don't know what the percentage is 

BUT 

if I've ever said I STARTED reading something 

& then didn't mention it again 

MAYBE I didn't finish 

I'm pretty mentally scattered

& I am not trying to get credit for having done

WHATEVER 

I'm KINDA anxious today 

I was planning to go 

SEE my mom

BUT 

I think I need some 

OUT in the WORLD time

I just have to make myself get out there

sitting around the house 

is not that good for me

& I seem to be transforming the empathy engine 

into some kind of internal

SELF EMPATHY 

integration tool

& I'm not sure 

WHAT to make of THAT 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I am feeling anxious & jumpy

I don't want to listen to 

CRAZY sh*t from my mom

& I FEEL 

whether I'm right or not

as though seeing her

will DAMAGE me

WEIRD 

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

I started picturing quetz"/

in one of those

high roofed

JAPANESE traditional houses

quetz"/

was rooted in the tea pit fire area

BILLOWING up 

to fill 

the room

panels pulled back on two garden walls 

& it was this extraordinary thing

LIKE 

being 

inside and outside at the same time 

I thought about that all day

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

spirit of christmas

I passed out

I was writing you something 

I don't think I got very far

then

this is my

SECOND waking up -- let me explain 

at EIGHT o'clock 

I heard a KNOCKING on my front DOOR 

I was dead asleep 

BUT 

I guess 

the highly activated nervous system is intact 

SO

I'm out of bed

& I'm hobbling quickly 

yelling

COMING 

as I go

I GET to the door, I OPEN the door

it's KINDA misty 

disappointingly warmish -- which is to say, regular for Christmas here -- believably magic-y

BUT 

nobody there

I look around 

the amount of time

since the LAST 

KNOCK

is not enough time

to get far enough away from the door 

to not be visible 

I would have heard 

a CAR

SO

I'm not imagining magical scenarios 

I FEEL like 

I KNOW what happened 

yesterday 

I gave my neighbors a bottle of wine 

anna 

occasionally brings me

a paper plate with

some kind of 

PASTRY 

sometimes it is "extra" of something she baked

sometimes it is "extra" of some

eastern european version 

of little Debbie's

& I take these off-hand offerings

& enjoy them

& THINK 

I'm not sure HOW to reciprocate this

the last time my battery was 

SUPER DEAD

drago 

took me to the mechanic supply store 

brought me and the battery back

& installed the battery 

it was confused and stressful 

& not the more or less seamless experience 

that I would have had if I called triple A

BUT 

it made me FEEL something 

& then I tried to bake cookies 

& they weren't great

SO

I got him some from the store 

brown butter chocolate chip cookies 

(which I know are good)

BUT 

that didn't FEEL right 

and last week, I THINK, for sure some time in this last stretch of psychological drama

I NEEDED CHOCOLATE 

(medicinally)

& a box of weird mochi-like bitter chocolate balls

with some kind of honey based filling

that SEEMED like I wouldn't like it

but turned out to be

AMAZING 

a whole box

that's not 

"extra"

that's definitely EXTRA

& I'm LIKE 

F.I.O.

& I got them a bottle of 1000 STORIES burbon barrel aged zinfandel 

I walked over to where they were sitting 

in the car port next to mine

HEY

I can't really bake pastry

but I THINK I can pick a TASTY wine

it felt like 

maybe too much or not enough or trying too hard

BUT 

my delivery was definitely 

CASUAL 

& USUALLY 

there are european pastries 

that I want at christmas

BUT 

this year I didn't THINK about it

BUT 

when there was a KNOCK that disappeared 

I KNEW it was the neighbors 

& NOW

I pfeffernusse and stolen 

in a manageable 

quality 

I can enjoy with some coffee

❄️❄️❄️

improperly stored wine

I decided to open some wine

I have some bottles of 

Buena Vista Carneros Pinot Noir 2007

which was a good year

& I liked the wine

pretty well

BUT 

I don't have a cellar, pristine climate control, or

WHATNOT 

SO

I didn't know what to expect 

BUT 

it's not bad at all

I haven't let it

BREATHE 

properly

&

there is a little sour note

SO

probably it isn't that great, really 

BUT 

it's WORKING for me 

right NOW 

we don't usually spend holidays together

she DID leave a message 

as it turns out 

what is the POINT of having messages 

if you NEVER 

LOOK at them

I've CALLED 

THREE times in the past THIRTY minutes 

NOW

I'm GLAD I didn't hear that BEFORE 

IF

she is in hospital 

or skilled nursing, whatever 

she's SAFE

I'm not 

ON CALL 

anyway 

she got SICK of ME and was like

well thank you for coming 

which was

GREAT 

I wasn't any fun at all

she SAID at lunch

there was an old guy sitting across from her

he kept nodding off 

every once and a while 

somebody would

come by

tell him

you need to EAT mr whosit

she's like 

& they just left me there

TRAUMATIZED 

WAIT 

WHY were you traumatized 

they just LEFT him there

DEAD

WAIT 

since WHEN is he dead

he didn't 

MOVE

WHY

would they tell him to EAT 

if he's DEAD

chasing damson flies

BUT 

then when I ask her what she had for lunch

chicken + noodles + carrots 

SO

& this is consistent for her

ACROSS TIME 

she doesn't remember the story she TOLD 

SO

she doesn't fill in that she only got

dry leftover turkey 

because 

she doesn't remember that for a lie to be

BELIEVABLE 

at ALL 

you have to continue to tell it

they cancelled all the activities 

BUT 

she had BOTH

P/T & exercise class 

& she went down stairs and did a puzzle 

SO

MAYBE 

some of that is TRUE 

OR

maybe none of it is true 

she called me 

because 

she THOUGHT I couldn't find her

you thought I was in the building 

WHAT did you

THINK I was doing

chasing damson flies

she isn't tied to reality

I was planning to go see her

BUT 

then she called me

the first time

she was

demand-y

on the message 

I didn't pick up

I listened to voicemail 

&

I then really didn't want to go 

THEN

she called BACK 

sounded weepy on the message 

I really HOPE you come see me

THEN 

she called BACK

& either didn't leave a message 

or my voicemail was FULL 

by then

it was awkward 

& she told a variety of stories 

she didn't get coffee

because they hate her

they started making the holiday food EARLY 

& she had had the same turkey

for every meal

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP I'm holding you tight through the transmutation

I love that color combination 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I feel like 

I'm not quite telling you 

the STORY 

BUT 

I WANT to tell you

something 

that is

awesome 

& I hope I'm able to 

put it together 

in the way

I'm imagining 

I should be asleep 

I'm planning to go see her briefly tomorrow 

I don't WANT to 

BUT 

some part of me feels like I 

SHOULD 

I haven't maybe told you 

all the things you might want to know 

BUT 

Imma get there

I don't know if this works or not

OK

SO there's a RADIO 

I'm thinking it MIGHT be real radio

or it might be in a DREAM 

& MAYBE at least

SOME of the

TIME

the radio is an antique radio 

that's broken, not CONNECTED 

to any SOURCE 

of electricity 

BUT 

it crackles with static sometimes 

sometimes it starts telling stories 

late at night 

that wind their way into

DREAMS

there's a place

it's another version of the number five munchee 

it's not exactly a coffee shop 

it's not exactly an oracle

it's some kind of 

PLACE

maybe it's internal

maybe it's a quantum hub

BUT 

it's

a

PLACE

where

quetz"/

is mixing up some sort of 

what you 

NEED

quetz"/

can take different forms

BUT 

the main one 

is twisting 

vibrating 

shining uncomfortably white

can't quite SEE it 

though you're looking right at it

FEATHER-Y

but somehow 

unsubstantial 

& at first I thought the main character was a detective, but THEN I THOUGHT maybe 

we don't know what the main character is 

there's a need for integration 

& this quetz"/   might be part of the integration 

& it's moving like one of those sock wind puppets

dispensing wisdom 

like some cosmic bartender shaman

MAYBE about

whatever 

TODAY 

REQUIRES 

I want to FIND 

some way to make this

WORK

as a sort of surreal simulacrum of

internal processes

to represent 

internal

integration

this is a change from what quetz"/     was before 

some sort of hybrid webverse daemon & mythic abstraction 

NOW 

it's MORE 

guardian God

indwelling 

DIETY

UNchained CORE ENERGY 

so it's not the empathy engine 

BUT 

maybe I talk to it about the empathy engine 

OR

maybe I tell it my problems

with empathy in the world

I thought about making it more concrete

& I thought about making

the radio tell a STORY 

& then the detective 

goes to the park

& runs into a

girl with a 

LOCKET

that represents the sense of optimism and belief

that 

was once felt about the world & this country

by

she had had it thrust upon her

by

what SEEMED like an 

ANGEL 

at the hospital 

she took her hand

SAID 

there is a god who loves us

& it's all gonna be okay 

& then she and the detective 

HUNT for the person who 

IS that optimist

BUT 

I wanted it to be

as it turned out

less concrete

BUT 

MORE personal evolution-y

I KINDA want you 

THERE

MAYBE I'm telling you the story of what happened 

or maybe I can get you in there somehow 

you are always with me

in some quantum-y

entangled way

I MIGHT have this more clearly defined and workable that before 

OR

I might be kidding myself 

I spent a long time 

THINKING 

about 

it

thoughts

in fairness 

yesterday was not

OBJECTIVELY 

harder

BUT 

subjectively

exhausting and not really interesting enough to talk about 

which I guess is a strange configuration 

I love you

I think I'm writing something 

but now I've got tusk is that from then or a new element

it's possible 

something is going on 

BUT 

it's also possible 

that I heard 

some

piece of it in a commercial 

& since it was a 

SONG

I loved 

my SUBconscious 

REconstructed it

DRIFT AWAY 

I mean

who's that by

driving 

I had 

drift away 

stuck in my HEAD 

I think

that was one of the SONGS 

I used to LOVE 

when I first went to LIVE with my mom 

OR probably not 

PROBABLY 

it was BEFORE 

she was dating some guy

or friends with some

GUY

& I was with her for the SUMMER 

& I'm at his house

watching 

the GONG show

my memory 

doesn't make SENSE 

anyway 

I associate 

the gong show

which

I liked

& whatever that memory was 

with drift away

& LIKE 

maybe two more songs 

I'm not sure what 

that means 

I think it means something, but I don't know what 

quetz'/

ya KNOW 

I was just thinking about 

the number five munchee

& the oracular tender

& THAT made me think about quetz'/

& my experience of seeing 

actually seeing 

him/her/it

FLUTTERING 

above me at work 

but I remember the feathers being colorless

& THAT 

made me wonder 

about his white feathered octopus 

it's our personal gods/guardians

MAYBE 

I had KINDA dropped that thread

hard day

I'm sorry 

I just realized 

I haven't written anything today 

I accomplished 

things

BUT 

I'm still 

DECOMPRESSING 

thoughts

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm not SURE if I DID the FUN thing yesterday 

I ordered tim Hortons

the egg & cheese biscuit was

really good 

BUT 

donuts are really too sweet

SO

I ate too many

& I think sugar doesn't really agree with me

the Boston cream 

which were on special offer

we're SUPER tasty though

SO

I guess that was my fun

I spent like four hours with my mom

TODAY 

& THAT wasn't fun

BUT 

I DID get her to call her brokerage to make SURE I am listed as beneficiary 

NOT 

because I'm all that concerned that there will be anything 

BUT 

I don't want to have to do probate 

& THEN 

when she finished THAT 

I was LIKE 

gotta go, see ya

which might be bad optics

BUT 

whatever 

I'm not trying 

I'm TOO 

depleted from having to deal with her

to worry about whether she's at all happy with ME

don't care

not enough of an *ssh*le to abandon her 

BUT 

not putting on a show

NOT 

pretending anything anymore 

I had golden slumbers in my HEAD this morning

OK

I was so anxious 

I was afraid I was gonna sh*t myself 

BUT 

I talked to the social worker 

& I know the REHAB hospital she's going to next

& that they don't have a date yet

her physical therapist just came and got her 

& said she was gonna walk her around the hallway 

SO

seems like things are going okay 

at the meeting 

the feeling I had was that

she might be dumped on the street

on three days notice 

& I had to get my sh*t together 

I'm STILL anxious 

& you know how they have those things

where they say

You have three words to say to your younger self 

I stand by the two I always think

RUN AWAY 

although, honestly, is that really better 

run away lifestyle is hard

need extra sleep

I'm going to try to get some clarification from the social worker tomorrow 

& I'm exhausted 

SO 

Imma try to sleep now 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

merry christmas from your therapist

I WISH 

I had BET somebody 

my therapist 

would cancel 

I guess it was Monday he contacted me

I'm coming back this

WEEKEND 

I can see you 2/16

I'm LIKE 

THIS weekend is at the END of the WEEK 

2/16 is tomorrow 

he's like, OH I got distracted 2/23

& I almost said UMMM 

do you REALLY 

THINK 

THAT

is in ANY WAY realistic 

to EVEN pencil in 

BUT 

there was no REASON to be a b*tch

BUT 

as I predicted 

he's NOT 

LEAVING his sister 

who just had 

some kind of health crisis 

RIGHT 

BEFORE 

Xmas 

NO one in the CONSORTIUM 

was willing to take my bet

& if I'd WALKED down 

to his office 

& EXPLAINED the last few months to that security guard -- who I think is named Michael

I'm confident he would not have taken it either 

& NOW

I'm having thoughts like

I don't want to spend 

the first thirty minutes of my session 

having him catch me up

& THEN 

I don't know if it is even worth it 

to try & catch him up

I feel like I've come to far

& not even SURE 

I can remember who I was then

SOMETHING 

about the wording of his text

put me off a little 

it was like hey

hope you're hanging in there 

(then the stuff I knew about the sister)

merry christmas 

I'll be back in town 1/3

& I'll text you

a day you can come in

there's nothing specifically BAD about it

BUT 

it's bugging me 

thoughts

ALTHOUGH 

I'm finding I'm curious about 

"the strategy"

SO

MAYBE 

I'm corrupted

I AM

KINDA idealistic goody goody

BUT 

I'm ALSO 

sarcastic and jaded

I'm WEIRD I guess 

stuff

I just saw a video of that Australian sixteen personalities girl with types on speed dates and I've never been on a speed date

BUT 

I think she's not wrong on this one

& she put INFJ first

which was nice

one car down on the driving

one to go

good morning sweetheart

I don't guess I said goodnight 

I thought I did 

BUT 

I guess I just passed out 

TODAY 

I'm taking it easier than I planned to originally

I'm gonna drive the cars

&

I'm gonna try to do something 

FUN

BUT 

I'm not going through papers

or hauling stuff to goodwill 

or the dumpster 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

my head hurts

& I'm in need of a massage 

which I probably won't get 

& I'm KINDA weepy

with plugged ears

& runny nose

BUT 

I'm about to make something to eat 

so maybe I'll feel better then

lucky signs

I looked it up

& a more conventional reading of

the EMPRESS and DEATH 

is TRANSFORMATION 

like BIG life transformation 

& it's a ten year

& snake year

the shedding of the snake skin

& NEXT YEAR is a one year

& HORSE

I am a horse so theoretically it should be

a good year

& it's my Jupiter return 

I THINK 

because jupiter will be in Leo

& that's my birth configuration jupiter in Leo

I'm pretty sure 

the year I met you was a jupiter return 

I'm feeling off

TODAY 

I mostly rested

I took a long bath

I slept till ten thirty

I did a tarot reading just a little bit ago 

& I got the EMPRESS 

& DEATH

again 

WHAT 

does that MEAN 

I thought it was about 

how I don't connect 

connect-y enough 

BUT 

I got the 

FOOL 

TOO 

I KNOW I haven't been 

my normal self 

if I have a normal 

which I'm not even sure about 

BUT 

I don't know what 

I'm doing wrong with the advice

EMPRESS/DEATH 

as the answer

passed out

I fell asleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

stream of consciousness, I guess

I started watching that video again 

& I realized 

some stuff in the early part

might sound 

BAD

I was eating soup

& BASKING 

in not freaking out ness

& it SEEMED profound at the time 

I can't remember WHY

NO

that's not quite true

there were a bunch of little things 

that KINDA hit

BUT 

there was this part like halfway through ish

HOW 

I was gonna say things

that were

MEANINGFUL to people 

& that is specifically 

something I'm 

TRYING 

to do

I'm watching it again 

& it's already 

sort of been mentioned 

I FEEL like 

things are changing 

I'm not sure what is gonna happen 

AND

I'm KINDA 

TRUSTING that

I want to FOCUS on 

that the universe is in the process of 

taking me where I'm going 

& spending time 

WORRYING 

playing out bad scenarios in my HEAD 

will MAKE them TRUE 

BUT 

then this evening I say that australian woman

who does the sixteen personalities 

who doesn't like INFJs

she had ONE on nightmares 

INFJ nightmare --

INCOMING -- JUMP SCARE

but then there isn't one

& I LAUGHED 

I thought that tracked

BUT 

then she had, DREAMING 

&

I didn't laugh 

it made me

question 

myself 

she had a woman 

OH FIREFLY 

I have followed you to the magic grove

& here is Excalibur 

that can ONLY 

be taken from the rock by someone who is worthy

I AM WORTHY

& then Arthur pops UP and says -- THIS is MINE 

& she says

NO IT'S 

NOT 

I MEAN 

if the magical firefly led me there

I'm afraid 

I'm not 

taking some RANDO's word for it

BUT 

it still made me feel

the "you are nothing special" 

that deborah told me

what SEEMED like regularly 

though it was probably 

FEWER times than

it felt like

dis-identify with the archetype 

it's a fair criticism 

I guess

BUT 

I'm unable to laugh at it

because it ignores what I consider to be

a strength

the ability to still be able to believe in myself

when so many 

don't believe 

in themselves at all

& I do have battles sometimes 

BUT 

I MEAN 

MAGIC FIREFLY 

DUH

weird dreams

I mean the dreams last night

we're bizarre

my brother was in one

BUT 

I don't really remember 

there was something about his thumb

& a hat I think I tore stuff off of

IDK

I was moving around 

it seemed like

a campus

MAYBE 

maybe a very hippie campus

OR post apocalyptic 

there was a Volkswagen beetle 

that was being used as a 

TOILET 

& you push a button

and the waste just goes out the bottom 

I went to a class

it was in a trailer 

the front living room part was the classroom 

& the prof lived in the back

I was having trouble 

CONCENTRATING

so I went out

onto the plywood ramp out the door

to gather myself 

then I went back in

& apologized

said I had a hard time focusing right now 

& I would TRY 

& I would leave if I couldn't help being distracting 

I had heard the shower 

while I was outside 

& I asked 

someone 

sitting next to me

she sh*t her diaper 

& was cleaning up 

they said

I'm really tired and I'm going to bed early I'll try to articulate more tomorrow -- I feel like a rollercoaster ride

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

🫶

it was a research-y day

when I was cleaning out her house 

I found paperwork 

that I was like

I MAYBE 

NEED

THAT

& I put it in a accordion file

I've been looking up

LEGAL STUFF 

about power of attorney 

& guardianship

& it was seeming like it was gonna be 

a REAL HEADACHE 

SO

then I'm LIKE 

well, I think the will is in there

let me look

in 2016

when she had the will drawn up 

she ALSO had

a power of attorney 

& a guardianship

drawn up

she just never gave them to me

& it has her lawyer's info too

there's still stuff to do 

BUT 

my stress just got

BETTER 

okay I'm really going to bed now goodnight sweetheart

I was thinking about 

WHEEL you to CANADA

today

& that great story 

about mis-heard SONGS 

whittle you to kindling

it made me

HAPPY 

snow in hot places

ANXIOUS 

& terrified 

are

MAKING an APPEARANCE 

still not asleep 

gotta stop 

thinking

thinking 

TOO much 

gotta HOLD

the JOY 

the day it sn❄️we'd los angeles

and then he said that thing

I FORGOT the

FIRST part

he had christmas music

which normally 

I KINDA 

like

but this year I'm right off it

& they were PLAYING let it snow on the RADIO 

& I SAID let it snow ❄️ 

let it snow ❄️

I've been taking Ubers

to see my mom

& I've been thinking 

it was because I didn't want to deal with parking 

& walking further on my knees

BUT 

I think 

it's actually for the

RANDOM HUMAN interaction 

the guy who brought me home today 

his daughter 

is SIX

she wants to see

SNOW 

for christmas 

she doesn't understand 

WHY

it doesn't snow here

LIKE 

in the christmas MOVIES 

SNOW 

is 

pretty 

MAGICAL 

you could take her somewhere it snows

yeah, I was thinking of Colorado

is it snowing now in colorado 

I'm not sure 

I think SO 

I was in keystone once for a conference 

in APRIL 

there was STILL snow on the ground 

I think colorado sounds 

WONDERFUL 

& there ALL IN to

OUTDOORS 

so there's 

LOTS 

of STUFF to DO 

outdoors 

it's a LOT the RESPONSIBILITY 

it's the first 

TRULY 

PERMANENT 

commitment 

I MEAN 

I guess they'll be 

ADULTS 

but

yeah

I'm exhausted

well

I had the meeting 

BUT 

it wasn't exactly what I thought it was gonna be 

I've got a LOT of RESEARCH to do 

she just wants to b*tch and complain 

she doesn't really want to 

ENGAGE with REALITY 

her physical therapist 

says

she CAN stand

she just seems to be 
AFRAID 

she refuses to do anything except what she is made to do

& she is in charge 

SO

if she tells them 

NO 

they can't make her

she's verbally abusive 

I was having a conversation with her

you know how if you're rude to a waiter

they might spit in your food

WELL 

these are PEOPLE with FEELINGS 

you NEED to treat the with RESPECT and 

NOT be calling them

"dumb b*tches"

when you're screaming that at me

you don't think they can ALL HEAR THAT 

can you just ACT LIKE a NICE person 

if they do something that hurts

can you not just SAY

that HURTS 

PLEASE 

do x,y,z instead of what you're doing 

I ate & I was gonna go gather trash at her apartment 

BUT 

I think my head hurts too bad

I think I'm just going to go to sleep 

get up in the morning 

to do research 

I'm not going to go see her tomorrow 

I may watch a show to decompress 

I'm not freaking out anymore 

BUT 

I AM a little overwhelmed 

NOW

anytime I'm talking about anything to do with 

REALITY, basically 

she says I'm being 

MEAN to her

I'm KINDA over it

she says they are

BEATING her

& MUTILATING her

show me a bruise I say

look at my butt, she says

she has been complaining LOUDLY about 

constipation 

they're giving her laxatives

& monday they gave her an enema 

which she said had no effect 

on monday night

then today she says

she had a five hour ordeal enema yesterday 

she didn't have another enema

& I'm SURE they didn't spend five hours 

giving her an enema on monday 

she bruises very easy

she has no bruises

since she lies constantly 

I don't believe her

this whole thing is likely to get

WEIRDER

before it gets better 

I talked to the doctor who comes once a week 

she's gonna give her a mild anti-depressant

there's an exercise session 

EVERY DAY

BUT 

she's been refusing to go to that

the same way she's 

REFUSING 

everything else

I told the activity director 

that i'd REALLY 

REALLY 

like her to do that EVERY day 

BUT 

they can't MAKE her

MAN

I really wish

she would do things in her own best interest

good morning sweetheart, I hope you have a beautiful day

I dreamed 

we were in our early to mid twenties 

& at some kind of

RETREAT 

or something 

& we slept in the same bed

& it was very 

INTIMATE

& cool & stuff 

we didn't have s*x, I don't think 

BUT 

we bonded

& it's all kinda fuzzy

BUT 

I feel better 

this morning 

exhausted, going to bed

I'm going to talk to the social worker tomorrow 

assuming the meeting is still happening 

I did find her Charles Schwab statement 

& she doesn't seem to be lying about 

having money

I will talk to her

& probably 

her lawyer

if I can find him

I don't really think I can live with 

turning her over to the state

or whatever 

BUT 

I don't want to be 

TRAPPED 

into anything 

& I don't trust her at all

SO

IDK

what is going to happen 

BUT 

I'm trying to keep an open mind

I'm not signing anything 

until I feel like I have a handle on it

BUT 

I don't want to be the worst person ever 

EITHER 

I didn't go see her

& I didn't try to call back

& if she & marian worked out

something on their own to cut me out

THAT

is A OK with me 

BUT 

I don't think power of attorney 

gives me the power to make her go into a nursing home if she doesn't want to 

I think it gives me power 

to act FOR her

BUT 

NOT 

OVER her

& I'm not sure that helps

because she WANTS 

OFTEN 

contradictory sh*t 

or crazy sh*t

& I don't want to hear it anymore 

ANYWAY 

I'm exhausted and I'm going to bed

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I hope to be more fun

hopefully soon

goodnight 

❤️

weird dream

I forgot to tell you about my dream 

I had my old car

brick red

buick century

& I had it full

of bolt action rifles 

the wooden handles matched the car

they were visible through the window 

& the lot was full of national guard, or something 

somebody I was conspiring with

had, I think, explosives

in their car

& they

we're

freaking out 

BUT 

it was fine

nobody noticed anything 

I'm not sure what we were going to do 

we didn't do it in the dream

utxhfxlgdvitdhr75#+&$(&"63@+

I was going to the SNF to see my mom

BUT 

then her friend marian 

called & was wanting to know my mom's 

attorney because my mom wants to get a power of attorney drawn up

& I don't think I want to do that

it says I have to pay her taxes

& manage all her affairs 

& probably not get

PAID for it if I'm family

I don't want that

I realize

I could then put her away

which is I'm SURE 

why this hasn't happened before 

BUT 

I don't feel like 

this is good for me

she can't remember her lawyer's name

I'm freaking out 

FREAKING OUT

MAYBE 

I will go see her tonight 

MAYBE 

I'm done for today 

I sort of think 

I'm going to her apartment to try to find

STATEMENTS

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

SEND positive vibes my way

FREAKING OUT 

morning

I think I forgot to take my 

L-theanine yesterday 

my ANXIETY is 

HIGH 

I feel like I want to 

CRY, again 

I'm stressed about seeing the social worker 

I'm stressed about leaving the house now 

to be clear 

the social worker called me 

told me if I wanted to be

present 

I could come

or call in

the social worker seems to be just assigned to the CASE

not anything to do with 

ME

BUT 

I feel like I should be there 

SO I know what is going on 

BUT 

I have irrational fear

that people are going to MAKE me 

I don't WANT to SEE her TODAY 

I don't feel like I can handle 

ANYTHING 

I'm sure I CAN 

BUT 

I'm feeling run screaming from the room energy 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a more

psychologically steady

beautiful day 

I'm having some issues 

BUT 

I have faith in myself 

I will pull this out

I'm not trying to abandon her 

I'm just not willing to 

SACRIFICE myself for her

I AM

& I WANT to be the

gentle, fragile, parts of myself 

that I WANT to be

BUT 

I don't feel SAFE 

& SO I'm stuck

with the iron man suit

& I guess 

THAT is what I'm weepy about

f*CK

I think I am at least partially weepy

that I don't trust my mother

I WANT to have a mother

who loves and protects me

OR

WHO DID 

BUT 

I'm the one who has the mother

who just non-stop 

tries to manipulate me

who is trying to remember how to 

PRETEND

in the hopes of manipulating me

& I don't know what 

of the things she says 

is TRUE, if anything 

& I'm tired

JUST TIRED

& SAD

& SCARED

& wishing there was a WAY to 

CONTROL the situation 

so I felt like I could handle it

goodnight sweetheart I LOVE you VERY much

I took a long bath 

I was nodding off in the chair 

I'm sleepy 

sleepy

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

more thoughts

BUT 

I AM making it sound like 

sh*t is NOT about to get

MORE complicated 

MORE intense

DANGEROUS 

BUT 

it IS 

I know it is

& the IDEA that I'm not going to have to deal with her stuff 

seems

vanishingly small 

I FEEL 

vulnerable 

& I WISH 

I felt 

braver

thoughts

I gotta say

if I had known things would go the way they have 

MAYBE 

I would have run the other way

I wasn't doing any of this

FOR HER

I was trying to 

RESOLVE 

myself 

&

I didn't realize 

that there was no there there with her

&

I find it

SAD

&

DISAPPOINTING 

BUT 

this is just who she is

she seems more coherent 

she says she signed her 

paperwork 

BUT 

I'm not going to be her caregiver 

&

I KNOW she THINKS 

her telling me 

she has all this money 

is supposed to make me want to sit on her

to make sure I get it, but that was

NEVER my GOAL

there's a social worker 

coming to see her wednesday 

maybe that will get her activated 

I'm not trying to 

RUN 

BUT 

I'm not taking on responsibility for her

she has to decide what she wants to do 

with my being caregiver 

NOT 

an option 

it's all JUST, I mean 

I don't even know what to believe 

& HOW will I know when her cagey ludicrous answers to direct questions are JUST her b*llsh*t

& WHEN 

they cross over into

SENILE 

I mean I 

WISH

I had completely resolved all my issues 

BUT 

that's probably not realistic 

SHE couldn't remember what my second degree was in, but she also wouldn't come to the second graduation ceremony 

I ALREADY DID ONE

she lovingly

explained

LIKE 

I already humored you once

WHY

are you trying to make me acknowledge you 

AGAIN 

SO

I didn't even take that as a possible proof of 

memory loss

jason

just can't be relied on

not to f*CK me up

I've given him chances

NOW he has to

LIVE with the

CONSEQUENCES of PROVING himself 

UNSAFE 

I'm ONLY doing 

ONE

TOXIC 

family member at a time

& he hasn't given me 

ANYTHING 

that makes me WANT to put him ON DECK

SO

I'm sorry 

HE

had a bad life, if he did

he's just gonna have to deal with people who can deal with him

I don't 

BELIEVE 

I am one of those people 

when I went to see him and my dad back in 2007

it was my assessment at the time

that time with my dad 

would not be productive 

I was just gonna have to figure that sh*t out 

ON MY OWN

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm going to try 

dream myself 

BACK 

to

some semblance of me

I recognized 

not going to see her tomorrow either 

weather excuse 

gonna try to 

work on

STUFF 

I'm not sure 

HOW I'm doing 

everything has an unsettling quality to it

Jason has been sending me things I'm not opening 

I have all these feelings I can't find a name for 

I feel like I haven't been very fun

for ages

& I intermittently have 

I wanna dance with somebody 

stuck in my HEAD 

I've had a headache all day

& my knees

are stiff

& uncomfortable 

which is to say

BETTER 

I think 

it was a weird day

it's been a long day 

or maybe not

LONG

BUT 

WEIRD 

I drove my mother's car 

there's gonna be a freeze

& I wasn't sure exactly 

HOW LONG it had been since it was driven

there has been a surreal quality to all of today

random stuff

I preframed them

whether that was right to do

or not

I think she's depressed 

& she just wants to

SLEEP 

she needs interaction 

& she getting sick 

of my nagging 

I'm having FEELS about her

&

about my feelings about her

&

about wanting to hand her over to someone 

I WISH she wasn't 

the way she is

I worked on throwing things away

I have to beat the stuff thing

OH

and I VOTED -- run off election city council 

AT LARGE

salinas wants to

BLOCK 

& file injunctions & basically 

F!GHT !CE

boykins

wants to co-operate

I want to see how it comes out 

mom thoughts

well

I didn't go see her

BUT 

I called her and harassed her and she says

she went and ate lunch in the lunch room 

& had ten minutes of P/T

in the P/T room

&

I mobilized the

studio friends 

to get

visits today and tomorrow 

ANXIETY & RAGE

good morning sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I'm freaking out a little bit 

my mom 

who I'm not going to SEE, but I did call

SOUNDS a little sharper

BUT 

she didn't have them put her in the chair 

& she had them turn off the TV 

RIGHT AFTER I left

I'm LIKE 

when you sleep all the time 

you get loopy

& you come across as

SENILE 

if you get pegged as senile

you are gonna end up 

SOMEPLACE 

you don't want to be 

PULL it TOGETHER 

I know she's depressed 

not equipped to deal with living in reality 

AT ALL

not doing well with the 

FACING her MORTALITY 

I'm LIKE 

check if they have a counselor or something 

failing THAT 

have them take you to services tomorrow 

I'm SURE they'll do THAT 

She's NOT senile

she's having an existential crisis 

BUT 

she has to DO this

nobody can 

FIX her life

for her

MAYBE 

a mental hospital 

would be more appropriate 

BUT 

I doubt that is what the social worker wants to talk to me about 

I'm not feeling terrified

I don't have a good feeling about how this is going down

BUT 

not terrified

it was a rough day

I am expressing my 

RAGE to my mother 

I don't know if that's good or not

BUT 

I'm just KINDA letting whatever comes up 

come up

BUT 

she's acting weird 

she just wants to sleep 

& she's avoiding 

getting up

like she'll do whatever physical therapy 

they MAKE her do

BUT 

she doesn't want to 

get wheeled down to the common area

& I'm LIKE 

I don't care if you

WANT to interact or not

when you sleep all the time 

you get dozy & disoriented 

you NEED to FOCUS 

you NEED to PULL it TOGETHER 

& COMMIT

to your recovery 

you aren't in a nursing home 

you are in a skilled nursing facility to REHAB 

do you want to end your life the way

shirley did

if you don't LOOK at me

RIGHT NOW 

& SAY something 

that makes me 

BELIEVE 

that you are committed to fighting for your

RECOVERY 

I'm going to turn on the TV and leave it on when I leave

she was not convincing 

as I walked out of the room 

I'm LIKE 

I can't make you

STAY AWAKE 

BUT 

I CAN 

make it harder to sleep

I went out and talked to her nurse 

we had talked already 

don't let her give you any crap

she was living alone

she was driving herself around 

playing with her little stock market stuff 

she's in some kinda FUNK

& when she just sleeps

she gets loopy

& seems

incoherent 

she NEEDS to interact 

she NEEDS to move around 

if you can get her to go eat in the common area

THAT would be GREAT

I'm f*CKing exhausted 

& I kinda want to 

THRASH her

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I really need to sleep 

I'm not going 

the weekend 

I NEED 

to decompress 

YAY!!! (edited) how could I leave out the MOST important part -- who knows more about sports than me

the MULTI TALENTED 

BRILLIANT 

DB

!!!

good morning watchword for today is maintain

I dreamed 

I started working at some place 

some kind of mash up

of places I've worked 

before 

& the wanted me to pick a color code

for my schedule 

which I'm not exactly clear now

what that meant

BUT 

the code I picked

was BLUE 

I'm awake 

I'm drinking coffee 

I have anxiety about going to see her

BUT 

I want to interact with 

as many of her regular team

as possible 

to make it clear 

she need to

WORK

not just lay around and feel sorry for herself 

OR

WHATEVER 

ya KNOW 

she was seeming kinda scared and rejected 

& I ASKED her if she wanted to talk about it 

even though she greeted me with 

SO

you slept til TWO 

which was neither respectful nor friendly 

BUT 

she didn't WANT to 

TALK 

she wanted to complain 

& insinuate 

that I put her in a sh*tty place on purpose 

it's a boutique nursing home 

& one of only four choices I had

which I researched 

which she didn't 

want to do on her phone in the hospital room 

I called her nurse friend 

as per her request 

& that eliminated two of the four

one was fancier and close to me

one was less fancy

& NOT 

I put those as first and second choice

in the order of closeness

because if you don't 

stop by

THEN 

maybe nobody cares

& maybe when you are a f*CKing b*tch

they then just don't try so hard

BUT 

if it looks like people 

CARE

about you

they give you more

benefit of the doubt

MAYBE it doesn't matter 

dream time

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

little memories

my father was very vain

he was always looking in the mirror 

& he started going bald

very young

& he was

WEIRD 

about 

it

after the doctor had said that to me

maybe not right after, but generally 

my dad told me this big story

I think he was trying to 

EXPLAIN 

bulimia 

to me

not the best day ever

I don't feel good 

about today 

I went to the skilled nursing facility 

which is in a nursing home 

a really nice nursing home 

which she HATES 

it was WEIRD energy 

everybody else was super nice

I do feel like I need to go tomorrow 

although I really don't want to 

BUT 

then I have to take the weekend off at least 

this person 

who told me her name but I'm terrible at names 

SO I FORGOT 

but she said she was a supervisor 

THRUST 

this packet of paperwork AT ME

I read through it 

& I don't understand HOW this FITS 

with what I was TOLD at the hospital 

BUT 

I understand that if I sign any piece of THAT 

I'm legally liable for moneys 

supervisor was gone

I turned to my mom

I'm LIKE 

I can read this to you

you can read it yourself 

OR

we can get her in here to explain it to you 

BUT 

I ain't signin' sh*t

I don't have power of attorney 

& I don't have access to 

your money

SO

THIS 

is YOUR paperwork 

I filled in the information lines

good morning sweetheart

OK

well 

I listened to that song

& now it's stuck in my HEAD 

& it's TOO bouncy

& HAPPY 

to cry

SO

I guess I'm better

BUT 

I might still need to cry

MAYBE in the shower 

the extra sleep doesn't seem to have fixed me

I slept twelve hours 

I dreamed a BUNCH of stuff I can't remember 

although I DID have one dream

where I was taking a college 

class -- maybe I had taken it before 

MAYBE 

I was checking to see if I still had

the mental capacity 

OR

SOMETHING 

BUT 

there was a guy there

maybe it was you

& we were discussing the paper

& it was due in like six days

& we were like

maybe we should start on it -- ha ha

& then the professor 

came up to me

& wanted me to make some other student 

SEE something 

he opened the door 

there was a guy

sitting at the end of a long table full of people 

& he had like a jewelry making set up

& he had this case set up

that blocked him off

from the other people 

it was LARGELY glass

or possibly plexiglass 

SO 

it was SEE-THROUGH

& the prof could not explain it 

in a way that this guy

could SEE it

BUT 

for some reason 

I just pointed things out

in relation to 

people 

& he got it right away 

I don't know what that means 

& I'm EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL 

I'm not sure WHY

maybe just

overwrought 

BUT 

I saw two sad cat videos 

& my little monster 

stratched me

& I'm done

I'm having to work to hold back tears

MAYBE 

I should JUST 

CRY

I'm a wreck

more thoughts

alright I ate

STRESS ATE really 

I ordered a cheeseburger 

I had oatcakes and bone broth 

SO

I'm pretty light for the rest of the day

it was a good exercise 

because it made me realize 

I would have preferred 

to have

SOUP

I am loving the TOFU which is KINDA 

an experiment 

in phyto-estrogens

& plant protein 

it was supposed to have MISO TOO but it got 

TOO SALTY 

BUT 

in a TWIST 

the nutritional yeast 

has glutamine 

or glutamic acid

which is BIG UMAMI

& helps joint pain 

UNLESS 

I'm confused 

I'm too tired to cross check right now

AGAIN 

I'm not sure how coherent this is

BUT 

I'm finally getting to bed

I thought I'd say 

goodnight 

sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 

this has been a hard few weeks 

NOT how I WANTED to be

spending them

this high def hard reality me

is hard to integrate

SHE wants to take over

BUT 

she's like my ironman suit

ALSO

I'm about to be fifty nine

BUT 

I don't FEEL 

ADULT 

& I can't quite explain that

semi hysterical ranting

OK

she's at the skilled nursing facility 

I am not certain

what the f*CK is going on

was she faking

she doesn't SEEM 

at all concerned

I ASKED her

if she was

FAKING

& she SAID 

all sarcastic voiced

YES I'm totally faking it 

SO

I MEAN 

MAYBE she is

& she can't say no

I was going to wait with her at the hospital until they came to pick her up and take her

THEN

I thought 

I'll just go with in the ambulance and get her settled and take an uber from there

BUT 

the step on the ambulance was too high to manage with my janky knees

SO

I ended up

NOT going with

& calling an uber 

BUT 

I was in some weird place

the uber just put the hospital & the driver couldn't find me & nobody knew what the street was

& I got semi-hysterical

& started crying a little bit 

& I'm TOAST

I'm not even sure I'm coherent

I'm gonna eat & go to sleep 

I have to go see c*nty tomorrow 

BUT 

then maybe I can have a break 

it's not like they are gonna let me watch her

WORK OUT 

& I don't want to VISIT the ratchet skibbity c*nt

early morning thoughts

I slept in til five

I don't really need to see the cardiologist 

& she might be released today 

to the skilled nursing facility 

SO

I might need to be there longer, maybe 

idk

I'm about at the end of my

ability to bounce back

I hope I don't have to stay longer

I maybe didn't respond to 

something I should have responded to 

& I'm maybe just afraid 

if I get too excited 

I might jinx it

somehow

OR

maybe I just didn't have the bandwidth 

I'm honestly not sure now

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you have a beautiful day 

going to bed really early

I am pretty 

WIPED

OUT 

I am going to try to sleep 

& BACK at it

TOMORROW 

doctors

don't make much sense 

& I feel like I gotta be there

BUT 

it's taking a lot out of me

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

piano at the hospital

LIVE piano music 🎵 🎶 🎵 🎶 

I hope you are having magical beautiful times

I'm going to go early again 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

🫶

I hate hospitals

on the uber

on the way to the hospital this morning 

we passed by

where I think my pediatrician was

when I was small

she was the wife

of someone my gran gran knew

from piano circles

I weighed myself yesterday 

I've gained back 

a LOT of the 

WEIGHT 

which I don't understand 

because I'm wearing the same clothes

well pants

dr lorenzen

my pediatrician 

I'm remembering the time

I was like none or ten or something 

she talked to me

ALONE

& told me

that GOD had seen fit to have me 

BORN with 

all my fingers & toes

& I OWED it

to GOD

to lose

the extra weight 

& I think about THAT 

whenever I think about being 

FAT

& I WONDER 

did she f*CKing think I was

FEEDING MYSELF 

why not

MENTION it to the f*CKers who were

DECIDING what I got to EAT

& HOW 

MUCH 

the cardiologist came by

said the surgeon wasn't coming 

because the nurse practitioner had already been by & she was TOO weak to be a good candidate for surgery 

then the surgeon 

DID come by

SAID 

her heart was STRONG 

& she didn't NEED surgery 

I'm LIKE 

she not a good candidate 

he's like 

she doesn't NEED surgery 

NEITHER of them

thought her heart was what brought her in 

the attending

is talking about releasing her to

a skilled nursing facility 

& I'm LIKE 

we don't know what is WRONG with her yet

I'm exhausted 

& frustrated 

& would like proof that she can't walk

magic

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

checking stuff off the list

I had the password right 

I had the user name 

WRONG 

it was a different email 

that I must have signed up with originally 

or something 

BUT 

I did it

all done

not as bad as I was afraid of 

BUT 

higher, yes