I guess
I've been having some problems
my mother
has moved into
FULL ON
trying to elicit attention from the
possibly I'm having
OPEN HEART SURGERY
& she was just casually mentioning to donna
how I was staying at her apartment and taking care of her afterwards
& I'm LIKE
I CAN'T actually STAY at your place
there IS NO PLACE
for me to STAY
NOT even STARTING on
YOU haven't ASKED me
& I TOLD you
I WASN'T gonna BE your CARETAKER
& THIS GOES BACK
when SHE wasn't doing sh*t for her parents
SHE SAID
I do not expect you to take care of me
I will hire people to do that
you just have to
CHECK IN
to make SURE they aren't
ABUSING me
SHE had bob go to all the facilities possible
she gave all these reasons why she
COULDN'T
BUT
she didn't take care of him
OR Shirley
& EVERY STEP
of this journey
I have SAID
I WILL NOT be your CARE giver
I FIND caregiving
STRESSFUL
when it's someone mildly grateful and kind
BUT
SHE barks orders
& is ABUSIVE
PLUS
I can barely take the groceries in
without becoming
APOPLECTIC
from the revolting rotting dishes
& rotting food in the fridge
which I started out trying to deal with
& ended in my telling her
I WOULD NOT
I'm NOT LIVING there
WE HAD ALREADY discussed
she would go to a nursing facility to recuperate
& she was trying to
SHAME FORCE me by telling SOMEONE else
BLAH blah BLAH
there is more STORY
when we were at her primary
WAITING
she's LIKE
did jason ever leave you alone
& I'm LIKE
the point
wasn't that he was bugging me
the POINT was
he was COMING AT me
in a WAY
that was LIKE
he EXPECTED me to DO SOMETHING
BASED on
you are this ROLE
& I EXPECT
X,Y,Z behavior based on your BEING that ROLE
regardless of what our
ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP is
THAT
was my problem with jason
when I had told her
when I was telling her
there is something wrong with me
& if you want to help me
HELP me
BUT
I'm not gonna DO THAT for YOU
we talked
& she said something I didn't mention before
she's LIKE
that's FINE
if you CAN
SHE thinks I'm TOO NICE
TOO ACCOMMODATING
that I'll CAVE and take care of her
& I MIGHT have
taken care of her
IF she WAS
the lovely
innocent old lady that she tries to pretend to be
BUT
the only way I'm doing any of it
is it insurance WON'T pay for it
& THEN
she better not
EXPECT
better care than my checking in on her
& LEAVING if she's ABUSIVE
BUT
I do FEEL
SOME KINDA way
about all that
& I've had to go back and forth
about how that is
NOT
bitter grievance
this is a LONG STANDING agreement
that she has had TIME to adjust to
UNLIKE
various issues
with her treatment of me
in the PAST
I will NOT put myself in a position
where I'm HIGHLY likely to
want to UNALIVE myself
to make her
FEEL
some kinda way
I LOVE me
& I guess if I'm her daughter
SHE shouldn't EXPECT me to have
CAPACITIES
that she herself doesn't have
PLUS
she's had forty-five years to make other plans
