BROKER
a DEAL
for a Dan Bern song
Thursday, April 10, 2025
OK
let me tell you
what I don't consider to be a particularly interesting story
BUT
disabused me of this attitude
SORT of
BACK in the
EARLY nineties
I was having a LOT of trouble
paying my bills
I had CABLE
UNTIL THIS
I needed to PAY for my cable
I didn't have TIME to mail it
SO
I took my happy ass down to the cable building
& I dropped the CHECK off
in the DROP BOX
they SOMEHOW didn't GET it
I'm LIKE
I drove to your place of business
I DROPPED it in the DROP BOX
they are LIKE
NO, you DID NOT
if you dropped it in the DROP BOX
we would HAVE it
I'm LIKE
YES that's what I thought
THAT is WHY I felt like I NEEDED to DO THAT
is the some OLD drop box
WHERE it MIGHT have LOOKED like
the place to drop stuff, but it was SOMEHOW not
COULD you CHECK
AND
THEY are LIKE
NO
YOU DIDN'T DROP it OFF
YOU didn't PAY
I'm LIKE
OK, so your OFFICIAL STANCE is that
I am a LIAR
& I'm CONTINUING the LIE
to the point of making up
the description of
EXACTLY WHERE I dropped your payment
that I'm CLAIMING I made
THIS will be
the LAST month
for which I NEED CABLE
I don't WANT to do business with you
ANYMORE
I'll pay this AGAIN
SINCE
"you didn't receive the payment"
which I am NOT lying about
BUT
I want NOTHING further to do with
your company
there was NO NEED to call me a LIAR
Wednesday, April 9, 2025
I just sat down
& tried to
LIST
all fifty states
because it said if I could list twelve
I had one hundred forty IQ
& I'm LIKE
you cannot be serious
can't EVERYONE
LIST
the original colonies
thirteen of them
I forgot three
I was following the coastline
& then sections
SO
the three I forgot
I STARTED to say
are ALL states I've been to
BUT then
haven't I been to all of them, now
NO
there are several
I still haven't been to
ALSO
SOME
I'm not SURE
OHIO
INDIANA
I THINK I've driven THROUGH
BUT I'm not SURE
I have seen
COMMERCIALS
giving me to believe
you can just
THROW
dirty dishes into the dishwasher
& it just all comes OFF
we SHALL see
BECAUSE
these dishes
ARE
INTENSELY disgusting
&
I'm LIKE
I'm not guaranteeing these dishes will be CLEAN
BUT
I'm unwilling to TOUCH them
UNTIL they are
CLEANER
I've been avoiding the sink area
BUT
that maggot smell
TRIGGERS me
I've got myself
WORKED up
ABOUT
my mother
I can't EXPLAIN
I could try
BUT
it FEELS like
SOMETHING
that won't make ANY sense
because I don't really
UNDERSTAND it
MAYBE
it's that I want her
to be something that she isn't
& THAT sounds
PETTY
MAYBE
it is
if I understood
WHY I'm so
WORKED up
MAYBE
THAT
would help me
OK
I told her I would make her the ice cream
& what TIME did she eat breakfast
EIGHT she says
SO
I blend it the night before
AND
it was SO LOUD and I wasn't sure if you could
STOP in the middle of the CYCLE
SO
I bound out of bed
throw on clothes
DRAG my ass
to her apt
SHE
was ASLEEP
I did this to myself
& I also was
TRYING
to get myself
MOVING
& using her as the EXCUSE
BUT
I feel like
I RESENT her
for THEN
making noises
LIKE
I maybe wasn't LIVING up to
DELIVERY expectations
which wasn't
IMAGINARY
BUT
I'm probably
SENSITIVE
& I've seen her
EVERY DAY
this week
& MAGGOTS
Tuesday, April 8, 2025
I'm not sure
HOW
well I think therapy went
I was explaining
HOW
I've been working myself around
to actually get some stuff
DONE
&
HOW
DEMORALIZING it is
to not be able
to get
SOMETHING
from my
mom
EMOTIONALLY
OR
I'm not even sure what to call it
AND
how great I have been feeling
& HOW
there's this
SHADOW of flying to bits
that I'm looking away
FROM
he's LIKE
you have anxiety
& I'm LIKE
I didn't
ORIGINALLY think so
BUT
when I got off antidepressants
the TENSION
in my neck and shoulders made it clear
BUT
I actually think NOW
it's a function of
the whole
ADHD
thing
I told him
ABOUT the
FORGIVENESS thing
he said we were going to follow-up
BUT
I don't remember
on WHAT, nor will he
AND
I FEEL vaguely unsatisfied with THAT
& WONDER
HOW
COULD I be SEEing THIS different
Monday, April 7, 2025
OH
I just saw a THING
t*ump dancing to
YMCA
ya KNOW
his little
JACK off DANCE
I FORGOT
BUT
one of the canada feeds
ADDED
APPROPRIATE
ANIMATION
& it was
SO
FUNNY
not really because of the penises
BUT
they were ORANGE
& funny looking
BUT
MOSTLY
it was
funny
because the canadians are
the MOST polite
people
&
SEEM at least
CHILL and not at all petty
AND I VIBE
with that energy
the
you WOKE up
the f*CKing
BEAR
apparently
you WANT a piece of THIS
I'm in a weird mood
my cat
is all twisted around
LOOKING cute
he does that
sometimes
on purpose, but he looks to be legit sleeping
it's a trap, mostly
the LOOKING cute
I will go to pet him
& MAYBE
THIS
is not a petting spot
BITE
he's been making a
SOLID effort
not to cut me
& to go gentle with the bites
I'm not sure HOW I ended up
with such an aggressive
CREATURE
living in my house
I texted her last night
I told her I had
worked out
a meal plan and was coming over today
when I checked in
said I was running late
she like
OH
she was completely
STABLE NOW
SO
mission accomplished, I guess
ALL it needed was
to have to do
SOMETHING
SHE didn't
PICK
& she's all good
MAYBE I
MISUNDERSTOOD
I don't think so, though
good not really morning sweetheart 🫶
I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶
Sunday, April 6, 2025
I'm also juggling
this is the wall I'm looking to DEVELOP
a furniture
re-arrange
I have these drawers
they've been
where
they
ARE
for
YEARS and I LIKE them there
BUT
I have this
DIFFERENT idea
BECAUSE
when I MOVED things around
LAST time
the results are not
RIGHT, yet
& my IDEA for the NEXT trial
involved the SPOT where the drawers ARE
SO
I'm LIKE
are we getting rid of them
NOT if there's
SOMEWHERE ELSE
to put them
I'm dubious
BUT
if it WORKS
it'll be really
COOL, maybe
if not
MAYBE
I'll decide to get rid of them
I wouldn't
BET
on THAT though
the SPACE is
PRETTY tight
it may not even WORK
& it may be
TOO maximalist
CELERY
is diuretic
BUT
ALSO hydrating and full of electrolytes
& that inter-whatsit plant juice
is MUCH better
HYDRATION
than tap water
she's EATING a phlegm producing diet
she's got the congestive heart thing
I THINK
it exacerbates
she's not co-operative
& she won't eat
ANYTHING
she doesn't think is delicious
she's NOT needing hospitalization
BUT she FEELS bad
& she's FIXATED
herself on
the oxygen finger reader
I gotta snap her out of it
I mean
I don't GOTTA
BUT
I'm going to
the IDEA of
THIS food set
is protein, yes, but ALSO dried fruits*
WHICH will require
MORE FLUID for processing
*also chosen for the nutrient stack and affinity for weight loss (tomato family, I can't remember the doctor's name, the really nice-- he's written a bunch of books-- I know I can't remember names I didn't really try to remember-- damn it, hang on
I made a meal plan
for my mom
I THINK
she
feels like sh*t
because she doesn't get enough
PROTEIN
her body
NEEDS
MORE
to repair itself
she's eating pretty good
I'm MAKING THIS happen
I have this iCREMI or whatever
NINJA appliances
STAN
the IDEA is
you put regular yogurt in the freezer
then put it in the machine
BAM
it's low calorie high protein ice cream-ish
EXCEPT
for her I'm just mixing my coffee whey protein
into some coconut water
with some MCT C-8
BLEND
she's a sucker for ice cream
I hope this texture works
I'm wanting it to be
LIGHT
so she can eat the whole thing
ABOUT
EIGHTY grams of protein
THEN
CELERY with
PEANUT butter*
*Santa Cruz is low sodium
I WANT to
SEE--
how much celery will she eat
THEN
MICROgreens
with sun dried tomatoes
& that safe catch tuna they cook in the can
SNACKS/DESERT
unlimited celery
unlimited dried golden berries
one LAIRD lemon protein bar
Ooooooooooo
I just thought a thing
if you want me to be
INVOLVED in this
you have to DEAL with HOW I DO THAT
I've been not EXACTLY fasting
I have been having a hard time with the fast
DOing it
FOR a WHILE now
BUT
I decided
I would modify it
it's too many calories
the 750 of fasting mimicking is JUST
HARD sometimes
getting BACK into the SWING of things
I'm easing into it
TWO WHOLE packets
of OATCAKES
TWO cups
STRETCH to THREE, maybe
LAIRD LATTE
SEE
VERY
DE-FOCUSed on FOOD
the oatcakes have enough calories
HELL
TODAY I only had one
I'm having a kombucha NOW
they HAVE slow burn
CARBS
when I was at urgent care
with my mom
I had a date
with peanut butter
one, from a pack of three, closed it back up
I FEEL
pretty good
I've been moving around
I can't
ARTICULATE
MOST
of what I'm processing
YET
OR
I can't REMEMBER
all the territory
WELL
both, really
I have this
FANTASY
where I walk over to my mom's
walk her around the courtyard
& she's glad to see me
happy to be taking
a walk around
the courtyard
happy to
DO
the
THINGS
I recommend
a pleasure to be around
Saturday, April 5, 2025
on the after dark
WALK home
as I'm
WONDERING
should I walk through the middle of the parking lot in order to avoid
HEDGES
deciding there would be
NO EXPECTATIONS
of anyone walking HERE
NOW
no REASON to be
LURKING
right AFTER that
I thought
MAYBE
the problem is
YOU don't
FORGIVE her
she doesn't
DESERVE
forgiveness
she hasn't ASKED for forgiveness
& I'm not a christian
MAYBE
the forgiveness is FOR you
yeah, I've HEARD that
I've probably
EVEN SAID THAT
BUT
it's NOT
RESONATING
Friday, April 4, 2025
she does this THING
USED to
REALLY bother me
she says
SOME variant of
one THING I really did RIGHT
was RAISE you
WHICH
aside from being
INACCURATE
is ALL about HER, right
THIS time
I may not have done some things right
BUT
I did a GREAT job on YOU
I just looked at her
I'm GLAD you SEE
VALUE
in me
right now
I MEAN
there's no point
in getting
all into it
EITHER with her, or internally
I've come at it
from other
ANGLES
do I EVER NOT see value in you
she asks in a tone
yes, I say
OK
she's fine-ish
I can believe that she
was worried
I can believe that we needed to go
I'm NOT saying
she just wanted a big thing
& a lot of attention
I secretly suspect that
BUT
I am NOT asserting it
I probably would have taken an extra
DIURETIC and waited
BUT
I was GONNA just
STAY HOME
& DIE
if I got COVID too
SO
I'm NOT saying that I should be her role model
BUT
they TESTED the f*CK out of her
& they WEREN'T putting her in the hospital
BUT
she starts taking to the urgent care doctor
I have FLUID in my LUNGS
she says
And that is confirmed by TESTING by who?
the doctor says
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH
she ALWAYS just says
WHATEVER
& you're just supposed to
what did she tell me
a couple weeks ago
you're supposed to
ACCEPT WHAT I TELL YOU
& I'm LIKE
BUT
you KNOW that's
NEVER gonna HAPPEN
RIGHT
I THINK
three hours is LIKE
a SWEET spot
I can FOCUS but
NOT
blow myself out
the
LISTENING
is
LIKE
integral
NOW
a question
CAN we get
three hours of FOCUS and then
ANOTHER three hours
of ALTERNATE
FOCUS
LIKE
THAT
seems like it would
WORK
OR
MAYBE
three hours of FOCUS
SOME amount of
CHUNK action
MAYBE channel
the
SPACE out
TIME
I'm possibly onboard with
SOME
RITUAL
I was WORKING on
THAT before
BUT
I wasn't
NOW
STUFF is UP with me
I'M maybe getting a HANDLE
Thursday, April 3, 2025
OK
I went through the closet
it's not in its
FINAL
FORM
BUT
I cleared some room
for the
GIANT computer
BOX
I organized it
PRELIMINARILY
DIRTY clothes
are ALL CONTAINED
all the "loose, random" items
that I wanted to get
"out of the way" of the desk area
are NOW in the closet
the clothes in the chair
are ALSO CONTAINED in the
laundry bags in the closet
SO
CLOSET is FULL
MORE stuff to carry downstairs
I'm proud of myself
I'm gonna take a break before I do my trash run
& I'm NOT going to goodwill TODAY
BUT
YAY! 🥳🥳🥳
Wednesday, April 2, 2025
I just got myself
OVERWHELMED
I have these
KINDA
opposing forces
I WANT the BIG picture
VISION
BUT
when I pull BACK to
SEE
the OTHER part of ME
SEES
all the ways--
or MAYBE
all the STUFF
it isn't
MANAGEABLE
it's TOO MUCH
& it's
a little demoralizing
ALSO
it's BETTER
DONE
in manageable CHUNKS
BUT
I REALLY
am finding THAT difficult
if it's a BIG project
you really need to work on it in a concentrated
MANNER
& my operating THEORY is
LOOK for small CHUNKS to leave for later
SPECIFICALLY to LEAVE
MANAGEABLE
CHUNKS
BUT
ya gotta pull back
ALSO
I expanded my processing to
AND THEN
I realized that there's this sort of
WAY
in which
I
TEND
to make things
ALTERS
& I THINK it has
SOMETHING
LIKE
pkd (philip k dick)
MOOD organ (in electric sheep)
it's a
PATTERN
that I stare at
that has
CONNECTIONS to
contact POINTS
it's a BRAIN hack
if you do it RIGHT, or MAYBE more like
DON'T DO it WRONG
THINK
ABOUT it
it's not MEANT to be
CASUAL
OK
YES
if you drink MORE
you will make MORE pee
BUT
if you drink less
your BODY
will retain water
BECAUSE
PEEING
is an essential process
to remove
WASTE
& filter blood
SO
when you're
SLEEPING
that's the
TIME
your BODY is
PRIORITIZING
REPAIR
you're
ALWAYS
gonna need to pee
THEN
I was
THINKING of it
as MORE of
a FILTER
LIKE
water POURS through
LIKE
making
COFFEE
I wasn't thinking of it
as a PROCESS really
I guess I didn't
THINK about it that
DEEPLY
HOW
do you THINK
CORY BOOKER pulled off the
BIO
I can't
IMAGINE
there is ANY diaper
that would
HOLD
twenty five hours of my pee volume
I am
SHOCKED--
by the amount of
PEE
I was thinking about it the other day
I DRANK some water
peed
I was up a little while
peed AGAIN
before bed
without having had any additional fluid since last
PEEING
WOKE UP five-ish hours later
peed AGAIN
when I woke up
a few hours later
AGAIN
from WHAT
did my BODY
MAKE
THAT
pee
SO
LIKE
SURELY NOW all the pee is out, right
am I really supposed to believe
he's never heard the word
BEZEL?!
I think of that as a REALLY basic term
BUT
MAYBE
if you have no interest in jewelry at all
BUT
I have ALSO always been surprised
when people don't know
what semi precious
STONES
they are wearing
MAYBE
I shouldn't consider
ANYTHING
to be BASIC knowledge
I have ALWAYS sort of defaulted to
MOST of what I KNOW
is STUFF
EVERYBODY KNOWS
which is probably WHY
I don't SEE the insufferable
KNOW it ALL
CAKEBREAD btw
starts at about $35 a bottle
& I saw a 2016 cabernet for $999 a bottle
BEZEL looks like a slightly downmarket
BUT
in a KINDA artsy way
NOT napa
PASO ROBLES on the Cabernet
paso ROBLES is gonna give you
MORE fruit
SO
it's a good choice to be sending him
I didn't do enough research
to KNOW about other
VARIETALS
I extrapolated
edited
OK
I BOUGHT it
I took it
OUT of the BOX
& physically set it on the DESK
BUT
I haven't set it up or anything
THAT
is too much for TODAY
the guy who was helping me
is all LIKE
you seem VERY SAVVY
& I'm LIKE
I am NOT really all that savvy
BUT
I can get by, I think
he just thinks that because I KNEW
what I was looking for
I did research
I have bought laptops
since I replaced the iMAC
BUT
my last laptop was before pandemic
& I'm nervous about my
SKILL SET
BUT
I KNOW I don't NEED a laptop
BECAUSE I CAN
do all that stuff on my phone
I KNOW I NEED
something for writing
because if I'm doing anything longform
my phone is NOT all that practical
especially since I type with
ONE FINGER
as opposed to the three or four that I use with a KEYBOARD
I thought about a freewrite
BUT
I don't think that is my best option
I MIGHT want to do
VIDEO
I MIGHT want to do
GRAPHIC STUFF
I'm NOT SURE
I want to play a couple games
BUT
I'm not REALLY a gamer
I FIGURE
I NEED something KINDA versatile
more or less GENERAL use
& I WANT an ALL in ONE
because they are sleek and not a bunch of cords
blah blah blah
BUT
I MIGHT need more power when I figure out
WHAT'S up
& THIS can become a monitor (HDMI)
which not everything can
I was considering the pro + mini
BUT
that's probably MORE than I NEED
THIS lets me add that later
if I need it
SO
it's an ASUS M-series
27" monitor
I wanted to look at the PORTS
& I'm LIKE
is this the one with
16gb RAM & 1tb SSD
he's LIKE
YES
SO
SEE I come off as SAVVY
BUT
I may cry and scream
& NEED help setting it up
OR
it may be smooth as silk
it wasn't too much more expensive than the
iMAC was back in 2000
although they are saying that the
BASE model iMAC
NOW
is the same price as it was BEFORE
MAYBE I got mine on sale THEN
it's three hundred more than I paid then
the only reason it was
MORE
is that I got service & ANTI virus
which I wouldn't
NORMALLY
BUT
it SEEMED like a good idea
to me NOW
27" is pretty BIG for ME
I'm LIKE
SWANKY
I was gonna tackle the closet
BECAUSE
I've been JUST
CRAMMING sh*t in there
WILLY NILLY
since the last time I organized it
AND
it is HEINOUS
BUT
I think it's gonna need to be
EVERYTHING pulled OUT
I've gotta lug the boxes downstairs
& either OUT to the TRASH
OR
GOODWILL, depending
SO
if I can go to bed early
GET UP EARLY
& deal with all THAT
MAYBE I can FEEL like
I really got something DONE
I'd LIKE to get the closet at LEAST
STARTED
SO
THAT is
a LOT of DEMAND for me
we'll SEE
HOW it goes
I have THINGS I WANT to do TODAY
therapy cancelled
SO reassessing
WHAT I want to do
TODAY
I was gonna go buy a computer
I'm drinking coffee
I'm watching
NEWS
& I remembered TK is today
BUT
it isn't in audible yet
SO
I went to iTunes to SEE if there WAS one
AND
YES indeed
iTunes tells you what's up
with the episode
SO
I saw the guests
& MUSIC
AND
I LAUGHED seriously out LOUD
I'm SO
LOOKING forward to
this episode
I LOVE you
❤️❤️❤️
well, he CALLED today
and he's having a
REACTION
to the medicine
TUESDAY
so just cancel this week
which, honestly, is fine with me
I thought there was something physically wrong
with him for a while
he says this is none months
I feel like
it's been at least
SIX months since I've been noticing
& it's something
thyroid related
he said he's going to stay home and take care of himself in a way that SOUNDS
like that's a deviation from the
NORM
however, I feel like THAT is his default
& I'm NOT saying that that is BAD
it just seems like
MAYBE
HE doesn't KNOW that
good morning sweetheart 🫶🫶🫶
Tuesday, April 1, 2025
Monday, March 31, 2025
OH
I REMEMBER
when I'm describing
my internal landscape
MAYBE
it gets a little metaphor-y-- I don't KNOW
BUT
SOME minority party
GAINING strength
WITHIN the
CONSORTIUM
DECLARES
WE the hereby undersigned
DECLARE that since our therapist
CANNOT recognize THIS situation as CRAZY
WE DECLARE it to be ART
FIGHT US
OK
I READ a few pages of that HORROR book
ALOUD because
I ALSO can't read silently
when I'm in THIS state
&
ALMOST instantly
I dislike the
NARRATOR
WHY
the WAY she SAYS things
SHE uses "The" cap-mid-sentence
I recognize a similarity to the WAY I USED to
describe things
in stories
I would tell
I'm LIKE
WHY does that make you
DISLIKE her
it reminds me of the time
when I performed
my pain*
I think of that as somewhat distasteful
& we're distancing
NOPE
LOOK AWAY
*I think we are talking about when I would tell anyone about anything**
**ok, that actually made me laugh out loud-- there's more to the sentence, but I laughed, ok, seriously, when I was a kid, I seemed always to have been doing this bit, ya know, like here's my STORY
I THINK it started
with somebody
ASKING me
my parents got divorced when I was one and a half years old
& the FIRST memory
I have of my MOTHER
was HIDING
in the
CLOSET
saying tell her I went to China
I'm sorry
SOMETHING
in the last bit I listened to
buffet lines
mortality
it coulda been something else
I'm melee dosed
& it sent me somewhere
& I can't concentrate
on the show
anymore
I realized
the CONCEPT of
a concert
with
animal sounds
& REVOLVER
MIGHT be
WHAT distracted ME
I'm not THERE though
I just got the
FLASH
that
THAT'S what DERAILED me
I am not very talkative today either, I guess
I thought about
WHAT I said
about not wanting to
MEET anyone
I guess I got
KINDA
caught up in THAT
I think, at the TIME maybe I THOUGHT
I DID want to MEET someone
BUT
I clearly see that I didn't want to
I wanted to be in a place
I would FEEL like I
BELONGED
I WANTED to BE
with other people
BUT
LIKE
JUST in the
MOMENT
MAYBE
I went through the class/orientation/whatever
& when I went through the
NEW MEMBERS ceremony
SOMETHING
that I didn't understand at the time
HAPPENED
& I was TOO freaked out to go BACK
I've been thinking about
HOW in my HEAD
I REALLY am
WHERE is the LINE with me
I'm NOT sure
it's not
LIKE
I'm UNMOORED or anything
I'm JUST not SURE
that I KNOW
AND
I'm not super worried about it
RIGHT NOW
because I have faith that I'll figure it out
BUT
MAYBE
the STUFF I play out in my HEAD
is AS REAL to ME
as the things I
KNOW are
REAL
&
MAYBE that's a WRITER thing
I've been thinking all day
I THINK maybe
thinking is what I DO
the predominant thing I do
& I don't think that's BAD
BUT
as I'm talking to myself about it
I'm nodding and saying a LOT of
UH HUH
BECAUSE
there is SOME PART of me
that WANTS to be told the MISSION and is
NOT interested in the
PROCESS
JUST wants
to KNOW
NO ONE is gonna tell you the mission
& if they DID
you wouldn't believe them
because WHO are THEY and WHAT do they KNOW and HOW do they KNOW it
I feel like
I'm INTERACTING with
SOMETHING inside
that isn't QUITE my subconscious
BUT
isn't completely
ACCESSIBLE to me
there's a WAY to work through THIS
I'm WORKING through it
BUT it
FEELS
like it's taking forever
I need to go to sleep
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶
YOU are the best
& I'm sorry if
I'm worrying you
💋💋👾🫚🍀❤️❤️
Saturday, March 29, 2025
edited
I'm in the top two hundred
in BRACKETS
SO
I'm still in the running
for toothpaste
I thought was FUNNY
TED WILLIAMS!!!
hulk hogan dropping his kids off at school
ECLIPSE of MOTHS
SCURRY of SQUIRRELS
LARKS is good too
I remember it being really cool over the top
I've got it tied to
SIGN LANGUAGE sermon
at MCC-R*
SO
it's LIKE
hallelujah, ecclesiastes, I can't remember
HANG on
EXALTATION of LARKS
*metropolitan community church of the resurrection which was an lgbtq church I went to a little bit, although that designation didn't exist at that time it was just gay church and I did like things about it because it believe it or not didn't get too christian-y it was trying to be church for everybody so it stayed general and talked more about god that jesus, but I think ultimately, I didn't really want to meet people and it got awkward
WHAT is he
TALKING about
ALL PURPOSE goddess
PERSEPHONE
is a SPECIAL goddess
HOW
do you NOT KNOW
I MEAN
I could SEE needing to
BRUSH up
BEFORE hand
I'm not sure where to start
& I might mess up
the fiddlier bits
LIKE
third grade mythology studies
BUT
I may have ALREADY had her
from six year old
POMEGRANATE
self study
PALACIOUS summer rental backyard
she was the daughter of
the earthy/harvest mother
she was a young beautiful maiden
& she was stolen by the
GOD of the UNDERWORLD
her mother grieved for her so physically that
the world became barren and the people were starving and crying out to the gods
SO
they hauled HADES before the
GOD court and were all LIKE
WHAT the SERIOUS f*CK HADES
AND
HADES is LIKE
WHATEVER loser gods
SHE ATE the FRUIT of the DEAD
SHE STAYS f*CKing DEAD
HOW MUCH of the FRUIT did she EAT
HADES is LIKE
doesn't matter, ANY dead fruit is ENOUGH
WE SAY NO
HOW MUCH
HADES is LIKE
she's been here a HOT minute
you think she's not eating
DUDE, we're ONLY gonna ask
ONE MORE TIME
& then we're done with you
THREE POMEGRANATE SEEDS
OK
THAT is NOT COOL
YOU'RE ABUSING her with the no food thing
OK
PERSEPHONE gets
SPECIAL status
she's QUEEN of the UNDERWORLD okay
BUT
she can go BETWEEN the WORLDS
she can VISIT her mother
WHENEVER
UNDERSTAND
because what we REALLY care about
is that the f*CKing
HUMANS
aren't SCREAMING about sh*t
ALL the TIME
YOU are SUPER UNCOOL HADES
and you are SUPER LUCKY
that we're even letting you keep your
RAPE WIFE at all
SO
we give her SPECIAL powers
to show MERCY and ASSISTANCE
to the citizens of the UNDERWORLD
AND
THIS BETTER
ALL GO SMOOTHLY ENOUGH
THAT WE
DON'T GOTTA HEAR
ANYTHING
ABOUT it
OR
THAT'S HOW I REMEMBER it
those SONGS!
I MEAN
two of them are
CORE
couldn't live without them
TWO
I haven't heard
before
LOVE them
& they are right there with my internal struggle
BUT
my attention is almost completely
CAPTURED
by that VENUS
my God
the contour and delicacy of the face
the just sheer BEAUTY
the earrings almost moved me to tears
I can't EXPLAIN
my reaction to it
the RAWness of Picasso's expression
Henry is so beautiful too
& I MEAN
my mentor as a child
how much time I spent
trying to emulate
his emotional control
I had almost forgotten
HOW much he meant to me
as a kid
CANNOT be overstated
I LOVE you SO MUCH
ibsen I should really read more
I never really read plays
outside of a school
environment
BUT
I should maybe
good I haven't been up long, but it's no longer morning 🫶
I got caught up
in decompressing
from mom
BUT
it's NOT like
it was HORRIBLE
BUT
I didn't want to go into TK
with that energy
& I had been thinking about
the city
SO
I worked on that
& tried to think how to explain it to you
& various bits
of it CAN be FREE
floating to the surface of my MIND
I got so into THAT
I'd have a hard time
STAYING AWAKE
I MIGHT do
ONE or the other
I thought
I MAYBE screwed up
THEN
maybe I want to give you
the real human experience
instead of screaming
at the television
BUT
THEN I didn't tell you about the city
OR listened to TK
I FEEL like I'm letting you down
I FEEL LESS like
my calibration
is out of whack
I'm not sure
I think I still count that as an improvement
I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋🫶
👾🫚🍀❤️
I gotta go to sleep
I wish I could show you
HOW integrated
YOU are to
my PSYCHE
it's LIKE
whatever I do
EXPLAINING myself to you
SEEING the world
as the adventure I'm having with you
you're REALLY important to me
❤️
I called my mom
when I first woke up
NO
I texted her
it took a while but we figured it out
we went to murder by the book
& I also bought a book
I was looking at
STAFF
PICKS
it jumped out at me
ROOT ROT
saskia nislow-- writer, ceramicist, & psychoanalytic training candidate, based in brooklyn, where they live with their partner and three cats
CREATURE publishing
feminist discourse
& HORROR'S
commentary and catharsis
when I read THAT I thought--
YEAH, that's who's gonna publish your book
I saw my mom
I guess I already said about murder by the book
THIS book I bought
I'm not entirely certain
I can HANDLE it
it was just
SO possibly perfect
it's the perfect size for my hand
in FACT the BOOK is
NOW
SOME SORT of RITUAL object
I'm odd
I got the STORY from my mom
WHY she's OFF our regular
LUNCH spot
she got the tomato basil soup
that I tell her NOT to get
SODIUM
if TOMATO soup is GOOD
then the sodium is TOO MUCH
she asked the guy if it was included
he said yeah
THEN
she GETS the bill
NOT included
she asks him
& he brings
SOMEONE
to tell her it's not included
she doesn't ASK to speak to a
MANAGER
she spends a lot of money there
she has been disrespected
I'm LIKE
we've been going there for years
they ALL
KNOW you by name
they treat you
SPECIAL
all the time
one guy
screws one thing up
I MEAN talk to the
MANAGER if
you NEED to
& SHE'S LIKE
I'll get there
I'm LIKE
let me know when you're ready
Friday, March 28, 2025
Thursday, March 27, 2025
I spent the better part of the day
building a neighborhood
possibly
this is a waste of time
BUT
I find it
SATISFYING
the aesthetic is
unusual
it's a combination of
minimalist Japanese components
and eastern european modernist
not full on brutalist
the neighborhood is called
BITSY GARDENS
because it autogenerated something gardens
& I changed it to BITSY
I wanted to just have a couple of the japanese
house styles
because SOME of them
are VERY minimal
& really could be
ANYWHERE
BUT
I found that to be too hard to pull off
so some of them are a little more
SPECIFICALLY Japanese than
I had envisioned
there's VERY little GRASS, it's mostly sand
with giant ROCKS
LIKE
one big rock garden
with single family homes scattered through
the outer ring street of the neighborhood
is lined with mixed use retail/housing
small post office (basic)
small fire (Japan)
small police (Japan)
welfare office (Japan)
the middle has a small elementary (eastern euro)
a playground & a community pool
the next section down
has
apartments (Japan)
& a couple of high-rises (eastern euro)
& a tennis court that came in
RED CLAY
since everything was sand
there is extra land
NOT developed
just ROCKS
& sand
it's
VERY striking
LOOKING into the neighborhood from
the busy street
driving by
I'm pretty pleased
I only left grass
in the block
with the
elementary school
SOME of the yards have grass
MOST are that sand-y shade
I am going through
the different
VERSIONS
my town hall is eastern euro across from
the german train station
they don't match
BUT
they KINDA work together
north eastern US
ALSO
I ENJOY building
the environment
there's a TRANSIT center
& there is going to be a
SHOPPING district
there's a DECO department store
which employs eight hundred people
that's a signature building
from the german pack
it's gonna be the
center piece
I'm telling myself
this is going to
help me
MOVE
from talking about INTERNAL blah blah
it describing a thing I built in my HEAD
possibly I'm kidding myself
did I ever tell you about
the amusement
PARK
I mean that was LIKE fifteen years ago
the JUMP LIFT elevators
played Dan Bern songs
LOUDLY
I ENJOY to
BUILD worlds
MAYBE
I'm having trouble with
SOME aspect
of the Munchee
I WANT to tell you stories about THAT
Wednesday, March 26, 2025
WHAT'S up with
THIS GUY?!
I've been thinking about this thing from my past
charlotte met one of my
german class friends
who I was pretty
good friends
with
I was in the campus bookstore
with ONE of them
& the OTHER
BUMPED into US
the quickly
AGREED
that you couldn't talk to me about
ANYTHING
OR
I would just tell you
how you were
WRONG
because I had JUST seen a
DOCUMENTARY
ABOUT it
it
HURT
ME
&
it didn't make
SENSE
if somebody tells me
ABOUT
something
I f*CKing
ASSUME you have an interest in that thing
SO
MY natural REACTION to THAT
would be to tell you
ABOUT
the DOCUMENTARY
I've just SEEN
SURE
BUT
whatever I'm telling you about the documentary
HOW is that ME telling you
YOU'RE WRONG
THEY
BOTH
AGREED
I'm some kind of insufferable
KNOW it ALL
MAYBE
they were
JOKING
periodically I take it out
& reassess
I dispense TOO
MUCH information
NOBODY likes information, maybe
I told donna
WAY too MUCH
STUFF
about coffee, and wine, and the scientific research into nutritional
health initiatives
she TOOK a FEW
NOTES
& she STARTED
with making me teach her
HOW to BREW
a french press
OH
speaking of being
BIG
BUT
still getting easily hurt
ALTHOUGH
in fairness, at that point I wasn't that big
when I was in elementary school
they would make us
RUN laps
for PE
& my
KNEES
would do this thing
LIKE
it slightly bent the wrong way or SOMETHING
it hurts
& I'd end up
JACKING up my knee
I CONTINUED to
have issues with my knees
SO
even if I hadn't been built like a line backer
DANCING probably
NEVER could
WORKED
BLAH blah blah
I just found out
ADHD
TENDS
to "hyper-mobile" stretchy sh*t
WHICH
maybe can present as sh*t bends the wrong way
obviously
SPECULATION
my mother explained it
THUSLY
your WARRANTY
RAN OUT
when you were
thirteen
I don't KNOW what I think about today
I FEEL like
therapy went
BOTH
good & bad, somehow
AND
I just KINDA
shorted out
it went all over
it thought
a BUNCH a things
I'm NOT depressed or sad or hopeless
I'm not JUMPING around
I'm generally
FINE
BUT
I don't think
I can articulate
ANYTHING COHERENT
I don't think
THAT is
I feel KINDA
WEIRD about that
I think
I should already be asleep
I'm going to donna's
I think I just became
UNMOORED
AGAIN
I just am NOT sure
WHY
I couldn't get my therapist to
UNDERSTAND
WHAT
I was talking about
& THEN
I couldn't make the security guard understand me
AND
it's HOT
& I FEEL FAT
it's just not
SYNCHRONIZED
I'm at the wrong frequency
I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶
goodnight sweetheart 💋👾🫚🍀❤️
Tuesday, March 25, 2025
Monday, March 24, 2025
ALSO
what I mean about my mom
not wanting to contemplate the ramifications
I tend to judge
I don't WANT
to JUDGE
I tend to think
everyone has this SPARK of the DIVINE
I WANT that to be TRUE
KINDA
believe it
UNTIL I
come face to face
with the
I'm LOOKING and I CAN'T SEE it
& THEN
I don't LIKE
where I GO with THAT
THAT'S what I MEAN
NOT
that I can't acknowledge that
she can't really love me
PROBABLY
I WANTED to UNDERSTAND
BUT
I don't FEEL like
ANY of it is
HER
really
I have a hard time explaining it
I don't know what direction to go
in fact
Donna and I have been talking for a while
& I think we've identified each other
as having similarities
we both have red hair
we're both
KINDA
not
very
girlie
she does have a kid though
& three grandkids
we've been talking politics
the pandemic LOCKDOWN affected us both
pretty hard
in fact
I guess we first started talking
when she had her show at archway
that was all stuff she did
in LOCKDOWN
I bought a couple works on paper
& she had more she said
I could look at
she's about fifteen years older than me, I think
she's had some aging stuff
that KINDA
took her by surprise
I think
with her bones
I was talking to her
about all the things I'm trying
to mitigate damage
I expect to have
she asked me
what makeup I had worn last time
I looked pretty tired today
BUT
I'd looked great last time
I found this
SO FUNNY
I can remember a time
when that would have offended me
I'm LIKE
I'm wearing basically the same thing today
BUT
I was better rested
& wearing concealer
I told her all the stuff
the concealer isn't really concealer
it's tarte Amazonian clay 16hr full coverage
I use that if I need coverage anywhere
the rest is light reflective pigment
which I love
I think it looks more natural
it might not
I might look like a f*CKing light bulb
it doesn't really matter
I project whatever
I FEEL like
I do it for ME
NOBODY really
LOOKS at you
they just
FEEL
your
VIBE
I mean they MIGHT see you
BUT
it's really not that common
at least it seems that way to me
I'm not sure what's going on
with donna
I MEAN
obviously
she wants help
BUT
she might be
ALSO
trying to get to KNOW me better
I'm not sure
if I'm really available for friendship
REALLY
I KNOW that sounds WEIRD
I DO like her
I just don't have a lot of bandwidth
MAYBE I will
BUT
not really right now
BUT
it feels like
GOOD practice
& I AM KINDA enjoying the
ORGANIZATION
she has a nice space
& she has it well laid out
it's REALLY just
DETERIORATED over time
& she could do it herself
BUT
it's demoralizing
& I have this
LIKE
SPECIAL ABILITY
to fit things into spaces
I am not really sure what is special about it
it's JUST the WAY that
MAKES SENSE
to ME
BUT
I've been TOLD it's somehow
SPECIAL
SO we'll GO with THAT
I am NOT finding it
BORING
ALSO
in FAIRNESS
those conversations
we're small mentions, not something
I FOCUSED on
& NOBODY ever
SEEMS to
UNDERSTAND me
it's ANOTHER case
LIKE
when I'm translating myself and it causes offense
SO
LIKE
to ME
WE'VE COVERED it, but I understand that
MIGHT not even be right
BUT
it seems extra sh*tty to say
BE LIKE I WANT
when he's all
psychologically f*CKed UP
over his mother's death
Sunday, March 23, 2025
SO
LIKE
when my therapist mentions
HOW fabulously wealthy
he is
it BOTHERS me
WHY
I'm NOT SURE
there's a BUNCH of STUFF
BUT I'm not sure if anything I might say
would be the thing, ya KNOW
SOMETIMES it's
talk-y talk-y
it's RUDE
I've explained to him
my FEAR
he's describing, sometimes, his leverage
as head of the estate
OVER his family
I find THAT
a little triggering
AND
WHILE all this is HAPPENING
I'm LIKE
SHUT UP m*therf*cker
don't CHARGE me
to rub my face
in your
PRIVILEGE
BUT
I don't SAY that
WHY
I MEAN
I have TOLD him
I have ISSUES around this
I have told him I haven't really worked
THOSE issues OUT
I'm pretty sure
I made clear I wasn't particularly interested in
WORKING through them now
SO
I'd have to maybe BE confrontational
& THAT
MAYBE FEELS like
ACT LIKE I WANT you to
SO
MAYBE
you see how I'm wondering if
it's SOME kind of
WEIRD transference THING
I MEAN
I think I like him enough
& FEEL like
it's just not worth
SAYING SOMETHING
BUT
THAT MIGHT be a PATTERN in me
I MIGHT need to re-evaluate
BUT
SURELY
being confrontational is not a virtue
it FEELS like
getting caught up in something irrelevant
EXCEPT
if it bothers you
it MEANS something
I don't think it's jealousy
BUT
I could be wrong
I have this weird conglomeration of STUFF
LIKE
ALL the TIME
I hear some version of
I'm not good enough
BUT
NOT like
I don't have x,y,z SKILLS
LIKE
I'M NOT GOOD enough
I am FUNDAMENTALLY FLAWED
if people KNEW
HOW I REALLY am
blah blah blah
I don't really understand that
I don't mean to be insensitive about it
I GET it
I have insecurities
ABOUT
THINGS I have trouble with
ABOUT
THINGS I have no aptitude for
BUT not MY SELF
there's a WAY
in which I
FEEL myself as
idk
ETERNAL, DIVINE, part of EVERYTHING
ALTHOUGH
NOT THAT DRAMATICALLY
NOT
believe it or not
IN RELATION to anyone else
I DON'T think of myself in COMPARISON
ALTHOUGH
of course, I guess I DO
ALL the TIME
BUT
SOMEHOW
that's DIFFERENT
MAYBE
it's an ATTITUDE difference
MAYBE
I'm just CONFUSED
or full of sh*t
NOW
POSSIBLY
this is one hundred percent true
POSSIBLY
it was something
TOLD to her
to HURT her
BUT
the REST of the STORY is BAD too
& the ESCAPE from it
was a determined
BATTLE
EXCEPT
she never really escaped it
I GUESS
I'm not sure
the reason she looks immediately
for the THING she can TAKE AWAY
is because the ONLY WAY
she can DEAL with
PEOPLE
is
some kind of POWER or LEVERAGE
she can't*
*at least I'm postulating she can't; I haven't ever seen any evidence that she can
put herself in someone else's perspective
EMPATHIZE how someone else
would FEEL
SHE doesn't LIKE
THIS here NOW
she can't be at FAULT
NOTHING is her
FAULT
BUT
in this CASE
FAULT would not come up
WOULDN'T LOOK
that DEEP
SHE doesn't LIKE
THIS here NOW
SHE has a LEVERAGE
ALWAYS
YOU
BE the WAY I LIKE YOU
SHE DOESN'T WANT
to KNOW me at all
it doesn't
MAKE SENSE to me
it's LIKE
it isn't possible for her to KNOW me
& MAYBE
SOME of that is
I'm this weird type of person that it's hard to know
BUT
I don't FEEL like
she KNOWS anybody
& THEN I'm LIKE
DO YOU
REALLY know anybody
& I'm LIKE
WHY are you being an apologist
& I'm LIKE
I'm NOT comfortable with the alternative
AND
I'm not even comfortable with
the EXPLORATION
to FIND the ALTERNATIVE
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