i'm awake

i'm a little concerned about the string of

ten or slightly over ten hour sleeping

 

I love you very very much

I'm going to bed

💋

 that sounds like even a bigger freak show than i imagined

I'm up

I dreamed we had an argument

It was pretty heated

and

It was over the phone

I was at a train station

We were supposed to meet there

You weren't there

so I was calling to see if you wanted me to go on to some other location closer to where you were

and you said you were busy

Weren't meeting me

Said I should just go wherever I wanted to

Do whatever

And I was like

but the whole point is that I'm meeting you

This was your idea

I don't enjoy arguing

I don't understand why I dreamed this

I feel very disoriented

I'm going to sleep for a little while

I hope all the packing is going well

I love you very much 💋

All right I'm up

I'm heating up some leftovers

I hope you're doing all right

I love you

💋

I realized that technically I have not been awake all that long

But I'm maybe all turned around

Or maybe kind of hungover from stress

But I'm exhausted I'm going to go to sleep for a little while

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Okay I'm up

I've only been up for like maybe 20 minutes or so maybe 30

Long enough to feed the cat

And make coffee

I haven't really checked anything yet

I have no idea what's happened in the world in the last almost 12 hours

I hope you are doing good

I love you

I'm gonna sleep

I love you very much indeed

💋

 apparently i didn't tell you i went to sleep

i thought i had

sorry

i slept and i'm up

i'm not gonna watch the convention

i am watching the circus

i love you

i hope everything is ok

It's possible I misunderstood what they said

I just heard an update that they said they were expecting flooding and power outages in Arkansas The storm is definitely going to move into Tennessee after it leaves Arkansas but I don't believe they are predicting power outages and flooding in Tennessee I'm uncertain that's what I thought they said to begin with but then this last time it sounded more like Arkansas it's down to a cat 2 hurricane now

I'm sorry possibly none of this is interesting to you

But I mean this could have been me

And I just I can't stop although I will say that this chat feed is doing nothing to maintain my faith in humanity

They just showed a 10-day forecast and they're not expecting much rain just scattered showers which in Houston you might get any time in the summer

But the temperatures the lows are 79 and 80 everyday and the highs are 94 and 96 everyday and of course once the dry air goes away those of all be feeling like triple digits

I don't normally watch a lot of weather I normally get my weather from my phone unless there's weather apocalypse but I love the way she says and of course those will all feel like triple digits

It reminds me of LA story is that what it's called

It is right

Where he's like Sunny and warm sunny and warm sunny and warm

Like everyday

Only here it would be like unbearable sun unbearable heat unbearable humidity just stay your ass inside of the air conditioning unless you want to die

only now we're all like oh thank God it's unbearable son and bearable heat and just stay our asses inside

Because it would be unbearable son unbearable heat and trying to clean out everything that got jacked up by the hurricane otherwise

no potential flooding in rain in Tennessee and Kentucky

So there's some roads that are impossible near the Bolivar peninsula which is on Galveston island I don't I'm looking at it but I don't understand what happened it's just covered with rocks so maybe they were high waves and it washed the rocks from the side of the highway up onto the highway they're saying high island near the Bolivar peninsula but I am unfamiliar with what high island is

But yeah I can't think what could have done that except for high waves washing rocks from the side of the highway up onto the highway

so even though the hurricane didn't get anywhere near Galveston it still kind of f***** it up

And there was some report that there were 150 people who were staying in Cameron which is where it hit in Louisiana in RVs which I can't imagine that they're okay

Cuz I mean 150 mph winds and RVs just do not sound compatible and the storm surge they've only been they've only got measurements for 11 ft but a the storm surge wasn't supposed to be highest where the hurricane hit it was supposed to be highs to the right of it so maybe Cameron really only did have storm surge of 11 ft but they've only got surviving instrument that gave them that measurement so it could have been higher in other places and they the instruments just got broken

But yeah it does not look good

And in a way the gulf coast is one big environment so if you jack with any part of it you have impact on all of it one way or an2other

But they're expecting it to stay a category I think when it hits Arkansas they're expecting it to still be a category 2

Looks like the piney woods is getting a lot of rain they may have some flooding

But the west side of the storm is never as bad

They don't really have information yet I guess from Louisiana on the the dirty side of the storm

But with Harvey what happened was the storm stalled out and it just stayed and stayed and stayed and we were on the dirty side of the storm and it just dropped bands and bands and bands of rain

But this storm is not expected to stall there's no weather system that looks like it would cause it to stall so while they'll get a s*** ton of rain and they'll probably have some flooding and they'll have a lot of winds too wow that water is pretty high in the back Bay in Galveston

Anyway the storm's going up into Arkansas and then I think it's expected to head off into Tennessee and all the way to the East coast but it'll just be rain there

And the remains of Marco is another thing that helped it not come to us Marco just kind of dissipated didn't really do all that much headed off towards New Orleans but it had something to do with the storm getting pushed in a way that it didn't come to us so thank you Marco

And there's a dry low front that's over Texas that's come this way that's also helped push it away from us but as a consequence our temperatures are probably going to be higher

I thought I had seen forecasted 90° for yesterday which would be cooler but what I just saw was 100° but dryer

so it probably won't actually feel any hotter

The West end of Galveston is pretty flooded That's from back Bay and also from high waters because they don't have the seawall down there

Oh Jamaica Beach everybody had richer friends that had beach houses at Jamaica Beach so I stayed out at Jamaica Beach several times when I was a teenager

If you have friends in Tennessee they are expecting it to dump a lot of rain on Tennessee and there may be flooding and power outages

or maybe not but that's what they're saying they're saying that they're not expecting it to to break apart very quickly that it'll still be a cat 2 in Arkansas 

and at 7:00 tonight they're expecting that the winds will have gone down to 110 degrees instead of they're 130 now

Possible I said the last time a storm this strong came through in Louisiana was in 1880 but that's incorrect

It was something called the last island storm in 1850 something

So I've not really been able to pull myself away

I've looked through Instagram a little on the breaks

And I started watching the show but I didn't get very far because the break ended

Galveston has a lot of back bay flooding from winds

But they get that

I mean it is for sure flooded but it's not flooded like it would be if the hurricane went there

And the storm you remember how I told you it powered up so fast

Well they were explaining that where the warmest part of the gulf usually is is over closer to Florida and if it had powered up there it would have hit us but since for some reason the warmest part of the gulf is over closer to where we are that made it turn before us

and it has to do with the winds and stuff he explained it but I didn't really understand

Galveston is so nice

I mean in a way it's not in a way it's a s******* but they're walking around the strand and it's really pretty there

But it could have come here and it could have been really bad

I thought we were 70 mi from the coast but we're more like 50 miles from the coast apparently so we would have been lake Charles

But we're not yet to the middle of the hurricane season That's the middle of September

and we usually don't get a storm in fact I don't think we've ever gotten a storm after the middle of October

But there's a bunch of stuff starting in the Atlantic I think it might be all the way over close to Africa at this point but it's headed this direction so I don't know we might have some more storms

And it occurs to me that since the hurricanes are based on warm water

and this isn't the first time this occurred to me but it's occurring to me more viscerally now since hurricanes are based on warm water global warming is going to just amp them up so rather than having a bad hurricane every 20 years it's going to be more like every year or two maybe more than 1 a year

So maybe the gulf coast isn't safe as a place to live I mean it's not

I have California isn't safe

I wonder where is a safe place to live where you're not going to have to worry about weather issues or drought because with global warming I think there's going to be a lot more problems with drought and water becomes an issue

I just wonder where is the post-apocalyptic paradise

I don't know if you're watching any of this

Probably you're not

But the guy in lake Charles right now

That's what it's like to be in a hurricane

no it's going to get worse it's been getting worse progressively over the last 30 minutes but it's it's not to him yet the eye hasn't gotten to him yet so it's going to be getting stronger and stronger until the eye gets there

And then when the eye is over you it's just like spooky

And then you've got the other half

I'm sorry that I'm not paying attention to you

This is the strongest hurricane to hit Louisiana coast since 1886

It was just 7 mph short of a category 5

 ok

i missed that last part

i'll have to go back and watch

i wasn't sure it was coming back

and i had to watch the weather news

i was too freaked out

the storm has been getting bigger and it was almost a cat 5

as of six

they now think it will be cat 5, or within a few miles an hour of it

but

good news

it has shifted a little east

and the storm has tightened up

so

they aren't sure if there will be anything left of lake charles

but

we might not even get much rain

i feel so weird

like antsy and  a.d.d. and guilty

because lake charles is just a town trying to get by

it's not someplace that i personally feel connected to

but

people take trips to lake charles to gamble

i've heard about it all my life

and i've driven through it a lot

i wish there was something i could do to protect them

but

i'm so so grateful that it's not coming here

so, the guilt

i can't concentrate

i'm not sure whether to have a coffee

as a comfort food kind of thing

or

just start drinking

it's supposed to hit land about midnight now

i think it slowed up some

which is how come it was able to power up

i've got salt water taffy to stress eat

idk how you can deal with the fire thing

i'm sorry you have to leave your beautiful bunker

it looks like such a dream house and the bunker has a really nice roof

i think i'll start with coffee

i love you sweetheart

Okay I'm up now

Sort of

Well they're not expecting it to hit us

They're forecasting it to miss us completely

But we're still in the watch zone or warning sound or something

And I just saw a forecast that said that it's mid-range category 4 now so the storm surge is going to be 20 ft and is unsurvivable

So it's good they evacuated Galveston

and they're thinking that storm surge is going to come 30 miles inland

Which I guess is why they called for voluntary evacuations of southern ZIP codes in Houston

Because essentially Houston goes all the way to Galveston more or less

So it looks pretty bad

But as of right now they don't think it's going to hit us

I'm going to go wash my face and take a shower and get all clean just in case if everything goes out you don't want to be starting that all sweaty and yuck

Certainly if the power goes out in Houston now that would be pretty bad

Because the days are mostly in the mid-90s

With a real feel of over a hundred

I can get a little cross breeze in this apartment but it's really not enough unless it's boosted with a fan or something

At the beginning of the pandemic

I was opening the living room window and the kitchen window of which there is one of each

I'm putting a fan in the kitchen window

To kind of suck the air through

And that was working great

For March and April

But you know by May you pretty much have to go with air conditioning

So that's the really unfortunate part about the power going out

But maybe it won't

Anyway that's where I'm at

I believe their forecasting

A couple inches of rain and about 40 mph winds

For us as of now and I think they're expecting the storm to make landfall somewhere around I think they're saying eight now when I went to sleep they were saying more like six but I think they're saying eight now

That's just the beginning of the storm I think but at least it'll be obvious where it's coming by that point cuz they can shift up to the last minute

with hurricane Rita they thought it was coming straight for us here

And they called for I guess it was voluntary evacuation I don't know

So people went and got on the freeways and highways and it was just one giant traffic jam and people ran out of gas sitting in the traffic and if they storm had come here they probably would have died which is why they can't really do those evacuations like that

But I didn't evacuate

And it didn't even rain that much but Port Arthur was jacked up pretty bad they weren't expecting it because it shifted at the last minute so they were kind of prepared but they weren't super prepared and a lot of people just got lost in the storm surge which was pretty bad like their families didn't know where they were and stuff

So it's unlikely to come here but still not completely out of the woods

But pretty much you shouldn't worry

I'm going to bed now

I love you very much sweetheart

 i'm sorry

i have been completely zoned out

i went down a rabbit hole

researching cleansing oils

gonna work on a play list now

it's all going to be ok

 my zip code is not recommended evacuation

idk where exactly it is, but south of me

if the storm shifts

again

there could be fifteen foot storm surges

which equals bad flooding for all those low lying areas

and, of course, winds

now

they're projecting further east than they were this morning

but the storm is projected to be stronger

so

we'll see

i'm not super stressed about it

i mean, i am a little ptsd, but not too much

i sort of watched the convention, but not with any attention

every time i faded in

i was offended or incredulous or some other such emotion

and i just didn't have that much room for it

 

I'm going to sleep for a while

I love you very much sweetheart

Please take good care of yourself

Everything is going to be ok

I'm going to sleep for a while now

I hope you're still doing okay

I love you very much

💋

Okay I'm sort of up

I dreamed that I went to work

It wasn't quite like my work it was somewhat different but I went there

And I did some kind of thing on the empty register

And I was thinking man I've spent months trying to forget how to do all this stuff but I guess I didn't

And then I went to the wine department and it looked really bad

And there was this guy there and he was looking for something for dinner with his wife

And I recommended these beef fillets

and he's like well this would be perfect if we just had some eclos wine

And so I just looked around in the case stock that was standing right there and magically there was some eclos wine

and I handed it to him and said here you go do you want me to take this to the register for you He's like no I got it and I'm like okay well thank you I hope you have a wonderful dinner

And then I went wandering off

And the manager

It wasn't Dennis

Because Dennis had moved on to another store or something

was talking to somebody and he was trying to train on something

and I kept headed around to the wine hallway and the restroom which are in the same hallway

Any kind of came up behind me and he's like hey were you helping somebody

We didn't exactly put it like that he said something like did you do that

And the customer was telling somebody what a fabulous job I had done

which was something that never seemed to actually happen when I worked there

People would tell me that I had done a great job but they would never you know compliment me to the manager or send a good Yelp review about me that never really happened

Which I didn't care that much about I didn't think

This guy was like ratting me out by telling somebody what a great job I had done

And I'm like yeah I guess I did I'm sorry

And he's like hey it's what you do

And I was like well I used to

And it turned out it was like a $200 sale and they were having a hard time making small sales so they weren't displeased

He's like but you probably shouldn't do that

And I said I probably shouldn't come here

So I went to the restroom

And I left the store

But instead of being in a parking lot

It was in this giant grassy field

And I just started running

But I had this awareness of myself and I was not in the body I'm physically in I was in a younger kind of tallish lean body

For whom running across a large grassy area that might contain divots that could catch your ankle and potentially cause you trouble

well it wasn't any trouble for this person she was just running and running and running

And then in the midst of running

This other guy was running

And they crossed paths

And it became kind of a race

And he got in his car he was ahead of her

And she got in her car

And they were both kind of old cars that weren't necessarily in the best shape

But he turned over his car

And she turned over her car

And then they were kind of racing out of there

like maybe they were going to go somewhere together but did she even know this person I don't know

Anyway I woke up

Because I had to pee

and I'm sure there were other dreams but that's the only one I remember

Okay I just kind of fell asleep in the chair I didn't really go to bed

And then I spent a lot of time looking for an anti acne spot treatment

And I couldn't even tell you what else

What I meant to tell you earlier

When I was out driving around charging up my car battery because I think if you don't drive it then the car battery will just go dead

But I'm not exactly sure how much you have to drive it

so I just sort of drove around for a while

And it was my intention to pop into Ulta real quick and get more of the Clinique

because I tried to order it from Clinique and they don't have it on their website so I don't know if it's being discontinued or what

But then I was going to order it on the Ulta website and I'm like I'll just go in

but they didn't have a sign in their door that specifically said they were open they said stay in your car so maybe they're only doing curbside but when I was online I was not able to order that item and pick up

That's not really important I'm just explaining why I was on line so long looking for items

But the important thing

I drove by my old work I didn't go all the way like to the front but I could see the back of it from where I was

And it looked like Carl was taking out trash and I thought about it and

As soon as they open back I would have had to go back to work

But there wouldn't have been any hours

And they're probably still aren't any hours

So I would not have been making enough money to pay for anything

Because I was already having a hard time with it with the way they had cut my hours before

And I just had this sense of overwhelming gratitude

I mean everything is open here

They've all got big banners saying we're open

Which I assume means that they aren't getting a lot of business because people are staying home or they don't have money or you know all of the many reasons that they might not be getting business

But it's just like you know

Kind of a cluster

It wouldn't let me say c**********

And I didn't want to bother to go back and type it

But there's a very real way

In which there are currently two realities going on

That driving around I was actually concurrently aware of and it was disorienting

because at first I thought well am I the only one that's staying in my house

Am I the only one who's terrified

And when you go out it certainly looks that way there are people everywhere

By which I mean cars everywhere

And even though we have a mass ordinance

And they'll find you or something if you're not wearing a mask

I saw people not wearing masks

And I mean it didn't look to me like Carl was wearing a mask taking out the trash

Although maybe he took it off to take out the trash

But I don't know

But if everybody's got to have a big sign to tell you they're open

That means they feel like they've got to make a big point of it

So that means they're knocking business

Not getting business

This thing all the time gets what I say wrong I think I probably have too heavy of an accent

So I don't know

and it's my plan to watch the Republican convention

I never used to do that last year was the first one I ever watched and the only reason I watched that one was I was really expecting the Republicans to pull some s*** because they were talking about and not letting them in and overriding the nomination and I really thought maybe

They were going to do something

To stop Trump

Cuz there were a bunch of never trumpers at that point

But of course nothing exciting happened

Or nothing good exciting anyway

And I'm going to watch it this time

Not because I like the Republicans because I do not

but I'm just really curious to see what kind of s*** show they're going to put on

But I may not watch all of it

I don't really want to watch it

But I'm really curious

Anyway so today has all in all been a very disorienting day and being outside was weird

Cuz I mean I've gone to the mailbox a few times

I haven't really gone outside

I mean I guess I went to the store a couple weeks ago

It's not the same

But I'm so grateful

And my fancy radio came

So if there's a hurricane and we lose power for 10 days like I did the last time there was a hurricane

not with Harvey because that was a hurricane but it didn't hit here

I'm pretty sure I didn't lose power at all with Harvey or maybe I did for like 30 minutes or something but I don't think so I don't think I lost power at all

My mother did

But even if I lose power for 10 days like I did last time

assuming that radio works which I haven't checked out yet

It has a solar power panel on it

And it can recharge a phone

So in addition to the whatever you call those little charging boxes then I have a couple of

And I have a car phone charger

Which I also haven't tested out

So hopefully

This time I won't lose communication

Hopefully I can charge my phone and I'll have internet that way

With Ike I swear to God it was just awful not having internet

I'm like addicted to internet

Anyway I'm going to sleep for a few hours and then I'm going to get up and do laundry

Which I really really don't want to do

Oh I forgot to tell you

I found

A mountain and gets

Malin + Goetz

Spot treatment that has salicylic acid and sulfur

it's one of those kinds that you put a q-tip down into so that's a little less convenient than just having it be some kind of gel you can smear on top of things

But it should be more effective

So maybe rather than just kind of working

As opposed to most things that don't work at all

And the clinic that kind of worked

Maybe it'll actually work

The papaya oil I really like it

But I did get more breakouts

Which was made because it was overstimulating things I don't know

It wasn't too bad

then I saw this thing on the internet where it said if you use an oil cleanser and you just rub your skin for like 5 minutes or something that all your blackheads will just pop out

So I tried it

and although it supposedly works for everyone it didn't work for me

probably because most of mine aren't really blackheads they're probably closed comidones

So anyway I kind of fell off the wagon with picking

Cuz I was pretty stressed out

I've been kind of stressed out

So I kind of picked the s*** out of my face

I was telling myself at first I hope just a little

And I might know please please don't pick my face

But I just kept doing it

And there's a point at which you've done it too much your skin gets really irritated

But the stuff was loosened up and I just couldn't stop myself

So I just cleaned it out really well and I put the vitamin c on it

And then after I got up I did it again

it's not nearly as bad as I was afraid it was going to be

But I was just thinking at that point

You know it would probably be better if you just drank

Maybe you need some kind of therapy

Cuz it's really self-destructive behavior

And then I checked my email

And Texas's doing the Trump plan with the $300 a week

And I got to tell you I was really happy

And then I was like see you didn't need to destroy your face

So I mean I don't know how long that's going to last and I don't know if it's really going to happen but they said it is

So we'll see but that did lessen my stress

But I watched more video of people driving through fire

And that scares the s*** out of me

So just know

I don't think I have any control over forest fires or where they go or any of that

I don't have any delusion that I have control over that

But I wish I did

Cuz I just want you to be safe

I mean everybody it's not like I want even the trees to get hurt I love trees

In fact if I'm being honest I like trees better in general than I like people

But I'm thinking about you

I'm always thinking about you anyway

But I'm trying to think whatever kind of protection your direction might be within my capacity to have

And I don't understand about sweeping the forests

Does he honestly believe that it's possible to sweep the forest

Or desirable

I mean if you swept up all the leaves that would f****** the biome

Plants and animals kind of need there to be leaves they are decomposing

And assuming that it was even a desirable thing to sweep them who would pay all the thousands of people that would be necessary to sweep the leaves in the forest

What kind of ultra stupid s*** is that

anyway whatever I'm going to go to sleep for a little while I love you very much

And I really don't have a good explanation for why I didn't go to sleep before

I just don't mind very well

So normally when I go to sleep I just fall right to sleep

But today

And I'm guessing it was because I took a shower and went out and did things

My body said no it's not time to go to bed

We just got up

Although I had not and I was tired

So I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep

And I eventually got to sleep but it was like almost one

And then my alarm went off at like 4:00 or something because that's what time I had planned to get up

And that wouldn't necessarily have woken me up except there was this unbelievable that sounded like it was a physical creature slam and it's way down the street

So I changed my alarm and I got up and peed

And determined that the world wasn't ending

At least probably not this particular moment

And then I went back to sleep

And have been up for almost an hour or write about an hour I'm not sure but I was really hungry and had to eat something

And to be honest with you I feel weird

I suspect it's because I had so much trouble going to sleep

And then maybe didn't sleep well

But I am super groggy and slightly dizzy I kind of disoriented

You seem still to be okay

And I'm really happy about that

I had some really good dreams or I don't know if they were good but they were interesting

But by the time I was coherent enough to operate the device they were just gone if any of it comes back to me I will definitely let you know because I know it was interesting

But mostly I'm just glad to see that you're okay

I don't know whether to drink coffee and try to get to where I feel coherent

It might help my headache

Or just a force fluids for a little while and then go back to bed and get up in the morning I'm leaning more towards that one

I don't really like to do laundry at night in this complex

because the laundry is just kind of poked over into a really dark corner

And although I know it's dangerous

I don't like to leave the door unlocked

because then I could leave and come back and somebody's in the house and I can't I can't do that

And it's a pain in the ass to have to keep using keys when you get your hands full and stuff so I don't like to do laundry at night and I need to do laundry so I'm leaning towards just going to bed and getting up in the morning-ish time

I love you very much sweetheart

It's all going to be okay

Okay I went to the grocery store and I stocked up for the hurricane

Oh and now the trajectory of the hurricane that was going to Florida has shifted and so potentially both hurricanes might be coming here

now I'm prepared enough for it that probably neither of them will come here

But who could say

When I wake up or tomorrow morning depending on how things go I'm going to do some laundry

I have plenty of clean clothes but I don't have any clean underwear and all the things I like to wear around the house are pretty ripe

So probably good to clean that all up just in case

I'm quite frankly it needs to be done anyway

I hope you're doing okay

I don't know exactly where you are

So it's kind of hard to track

I know they have evacuated parts of your county

But I'm guessing not you so far although I'm going to check it again

Please be safe!

I love you very much!

I love it

I remember you standing in the crepe place

Telling me you wanted to be a country singer

Only that's not what you said I don't remember exactly what you said because I was shocked

And my first thought was

Oh I don't like country

Which of course was never true I always liked country I listened to lots of country even when I was a kid

I just didn't like a particular kind of country that was popular at some point when I was making my decisions about what kind of music I liked

Like when you make that list about yourself when you're a teenager or whatever I don't know

And I don't know whether I registered any of that

at that point was when you were telling me that you couldn't read my face at all

But then

Subsequently

It was more like elements of

But this

Is silver wings

And heart of gold

And some of my favorite songs are on it

I dreamed about a strange place

I mean it was this town

This community

And some of the details now are unclear

But there was this I don't know if it was the same person

It was the sky that on the one hand seemed very likable but insecure and he wanted people to go to a party at his house that was like all he wanted

he wasn't popular at his job and he didn't have a lot of friends and he had this vision that if he could just have this party all of that would turn around

so he did all this work and spent all this money you know putting in a pool and doing all this landscaping and planning it all out and taking out loans and whatever

But then when there was the actual party he seemed like he was a different guy entirely

He was kind of unpleasant and

He had this painting that he would do most of

But then his son would finish it off

Which was ostensibly the design you know like when you do a sometimes a ribbon cutting Phil have had a picture the whole time with what it was going to look like

It was kind of like that

Except then suddenly they were being really nasty

but there just weren't very many people at the party so I don't know who they thought they were impressing but there was this kind of like mastermind thing about it

And then also

There was something about a girl

Someone

And I sort of think it was the sun who was a really sweet seeming guy kind of shy whatever

She was going to go out with him

And there was something about keys and not letting anybody at the office see the keys

And yet somehow he managed to codedly tell somebody that this girl was going out with him

In a conversation about the keys

It's not clear to me now but it was fairly subtle and it was another case where like the father had seemed to be this really sweet person but in fact he was horrible it made it look like that that was kind of had the sun was too

And then there was also

Like going on at the same time in the same community

There was a large it was a Jewish event but I'm not 100% clear now if it was a holiday event or if it was just kind of a social event

But there were people who were talking about the things that needed to be done to keep it kosher

But the people they were talking to some of them understood all the kosher rules but didn't follow them and some of them legitimately didn't know the kosher rules

But the people who were talking were talking as though the people who kosher rules must just not be following them because they didn't understand them as opposed to that they just did not choose to follow those rules because they practiced Judaism in a different way

So it's kind of a weird multi-layered thing

So the whole dream was about all these different like layers of understanding and meaning and revealing and concealing

And outward display

Versus in ner feeling

It was quite beautiful and complicated but kind of hard to describe

And the paintings they they kind of look like hockney

Or something

They were definitely representational but they were not very realist

Not quite like hockey More abstract than hockney

I feel like I haven't done a good job at all

But it was a very interesting dream

I'm going to sleep for a little while

I love you very much sweetheart

look at this 

so much to worry about

i'm gonna start by saying

you do whatever you need to do

to keep yourself and your family safe

i love you

it feels a little post apocalyptic though

inland hurricanes in the mid-west

california's on fire again

and

oh yeah, i hadn't forgotten it was hurricane season

but two at once is unusual (1933 the last time, apparently)

plus one's headed right for me (potentially)

you can't ever say, not for sure

because they can shift direction and mostly do

but it's five days out and i gotta check the hurricane supplies

all i can think of now is

water

green drink powder (gatorade or powerade)

tequila and margarita mix

tuna and bread

i have soup and stuff

i have a camp stove and propane

but, realistically

if there's a hurricane and the power is out

i'm not gonna cook shit

it's supposed to be twenty years between hurricane hits

like, almost, clockwork

carla, alicia, allison,

but then ike and harvey

ike was less than ten years from allison

allison was really a tropical storm that stalled out

so

that made harvey the almost twenty year

except that it wasn't a hit for us either, exactly

but

the whole climate change thing has gotten it all out of whack

i was worried about climate change before

i had to start worrying about all this

i don't have the same sense of things there

i don't have a real understanding, like you have

having been a long time resident there

i know things get dry

and i know about the santa ana winds

which i found frightening

i've driven in california and seen things burning on the side of the road

and then there were pictures

and video footage

of that shit that looked like driving through a volcano

or hell, or something

fires scare me way more than hurricanes

realistically i'm like seventy miles inland

it's unlikely to make it this far at a cat five

so while sure i could die

it's a lot more likely that my roof will be ripped off

my car will be flooded out

everything i own might be destroyed

but

it's just as likely that it'll hit beaumont or something, ya know

if it hit's beaumont

i probably won't even be on the dirty side of the storm

and we might not even get flooding here, maybe

although regular rain causes flooding, so who can say

whereas, if there are fires

what's stopping 'em?

they could go everywhere, burn everything

but

they don't

most of california is still there

even with the fires and the mud slides and the earthquakes

but how though, i don't get how

and where are the murder hornets

they aren't telling us about them

but that doesn't mean they went away

and

now i'm afraid of portland style para-military at the polls

am i gonna have to worry about rubber bullets at voting

no vote by mail in texas

you can get one if you have an "excuse" for why you can't vote

but fear of covid doesn't count

california is voting by mail

but how will that work for evacuees

maybe they aren't sending out ballots yet

so much to worry about   

I'm worried that you may have been evacuated now

I hope you're okay

I love you very much

 cory booker

comparing themselves to

the people voted off the island on survivor

i like cory booker

i wasn't sure i liked him at first

he comes across as, at least he did, at least to me

when he's talking as a politician

kinda slick and a little phoney

but

when he's speaking as himself

or lately, idk

he seems very genuine and charming to me

less in this segment specifically than, say

when he was speaking earlier

 ok

that line made it all work for me

after talking about biden making her cry

our current presidet has made me cry too

but it never had anything to do with his kindness

 i like julia louis-dreyfus (although i'm pretty sure i mis-spelled that)

but

i'm not sure the joking thing is working for me

 i turned on my computer and saw there was a show

i haven't seen it yet

i'm watching the convention

i love you very much

Okay I forgot to tell you I went to sleep

But I did about 9:00

And now I'm up

But I'm wondering if maybe I had some things that I said that were bad somehow

Because I had some really bad dreams or yucky dreams anyway I don't know

The first one that was this guy and he was kind of weird and he carried around this big thing that was wrapped in canvas or something

But you didn't know what it was

And then one day he fell and his pack kind of broke apart and there were these dead dogs in it that look like I don't know they had had some kind of necromancy done on them or something and they just broke completely apart from the impact of fall and one of the loose bones I saw it move and wiggle its way into the ground like it was a worm or something

And then I wasn't sure on the timeline whether this was before like a flashback or whether it was after and he had somehow recovered

but he went around and would like lure these dogs away from wherever they were

A lot of them in this flashback seem to be in parked cars but at night

and he would like to say this thing to them that didn't make any sense like see your dog and he's a dog

Anyway that was weird I don't know what it means

I bet I had a package delivery or some stuff that I apparently ordered and it was like an inflatable crocodile with some other kind of animal inside of it and you could use it as a pool float or a lamp

Which is weird

But then I had this other dream that seemed even weird

He goes to this it's like a dentist sort of

With the woman that he loves

But this is like her ex

I don't know if there's some ulterior motive like they're trying to get some dirt on him or trying to run some kind of spy operation I don't know I got the impression there was but no specifics

So the dental / oral surgery guy

He is doing stuff that specifically hurts this man

In a way that seems gratuitous to me

But then he puts him under

And he starts doing all kind of hypnotic suggestion to him

And at first

He's having him perform oral sex on the girlfriend

And she has got a lot of hair

And he has got a mustache and a beard

And it's all messing together

In a way that I am finding an attractive

As I don't know the narrator of the dream or something and I'm I don't want to see that

but I'm also kind of horrified that they're doing this I'm not a suggestion and I want them to stop

And I don't understand why the girlfriend is going along with it

But then they give him this if not a suggestion or has crawl naked through a hallway of a school

Because out in the yard of the school there's some kind of plant he's supposed to gather and bring back

but then he's in the hallway of the school and he has some things that he's gathered but they're like all bugs

And then the bugs are crawling around

And then suddenly I'm feeling what the guy is feeling and there are these things that might be leeches or something I don't know I don't think they're slugs I think there's something more nefarious than slugs

And they're crawling on his / my leg

And I'm like get them off me get them off me get them off me get them off me

So that's not good and I never have dreams like that I don't know what that's all about

And that's why I wonder if I might have said something that was sounding bad that I didn't mean to be bad and then you're upset somehow

So somewhere in there there was something about cats

 the video segment before nancy pelosi

is like a pre-fight boxing bio

 CLIMATE CHANGE

 and tonight

gun violence

crying already

 i'm gonna sleep for a little while

i love you very much sweetheart

 ok

i do want to say something about colin powell at the dnc

i'm not a fan of anyone who was part of that administration

i think powell was kinda roped into some stuff

that he may not have been comfortable with

but

it doesn't make him any less a part of it

and he gave them credibility

so, he did real damage

i'm not keen on him being part of the dnc

however

i'm in general approval of the whole

let's bring in the fucking republicans

because

social psychology has shown again and again

that people are more likely to do something that they

might not normally do

if somebody else does it first

it frees them to do it

and

i want the people who voted for 45 last time

or didn't vote last time

to say

i can vote for a democratic candidate

i can vote for someone who might be difficult for me

and, also, i would like there to be at least a little detente

between democrats and republicans to remember that we're all people

that's my hope

I've been watching

Democratic National Conventions

since 1976

not every single one maybe

but most of them

and

I think this is my favorite one

that's not a small statement 

wow 

McCain

making me cry

and

now

this Joe and Jill stuff

Ady Barkin

Crying again

well

that was the best

and the great state of blah blah

I've ever seen 👍

and

I don't know who the person hosting tonight is

maybe they've said

and I just missed it

she looks familiar

but

idk

OH

IO

Tonight

for some reason it took till

the old lady from the Philippines

immigrant to Hawaii and delegate

before I started crying

I just woke up

I have a really bad headache still or again I'm not sure

But had a really kind of amazing dream

Okay there was a scroll in the dream

And her friend had recommended this movie to her

And she just turned it on in a random spot

And there were these two women who were out on a field

And one was rimming the other one

And she's like I'm not really into this

The person who was watching the film I mean

But then at some point in the future she went ahead and watched the film because it had been recommended to her as really good

And there was a lot of stuff I don't remember in the film

But there was a coffee shop

And there was a guy who worked the coffee shop or went to the coffee shop everyday or something

They knew him from the coffee shop

I know a lot of things had transpired

And one day they saw him

And I guess he had been hitting on them for years

So they walked in the coffee shop arm in arm

Holding hands

Arms around one another

Just generally seeming like they were a couple

But they hadn't been a couple

And then they went out for a drive in their car

Or it was one of their cars

And they got to this field

And the one girl is going to do something kind of dangerous

Any other girl was wanting to do something to brace her

And that's what one of the girls wanted

And it was this whole very complicated and intricate exchange

It wasn't just some kind of random sex act in a field

I had some very like mystical significance that I can't now explain to you

And then the camera panned

And it's two girls

I had somehow been transmogrified

Into two boys who were lying in the front yard of a house

Which happened to be my grandparents front yard

And then the other guy

Had been transformed into a different guy who was laying separately in the yard

And it was like a film reboot or something

But it was part of the same film

And it was kind of magical

But I can't explain exactly why

And it wasn't really like Mulholland drive where the character changes but it kind of was but it kind of wasn't

But there was something very significant

Because the girls have changed

but then that other guy had changed too he was still a guy but he was different somehow

Like purified somehow

But also I think younger

And also I think gay

so I don't know what all that means but it was as a dream pretty remarkable

and then it was immediately followed by a dream

Where I was trying to get to somewhere

And someone else was driving

And they didn't know where they were going

And I was trying to get my hands on the map

All of a sudden we drove along and the ground just kind of fell out from under us

And I was like oh crap

But it seemed to be okay The car just kind of fell but it didn't seem to be impaired it seemed to just continue to drive along

I was like oh see that would have been just enough for me I don't think I would have driven after that

The driver was like oh it's fine

but I didn't really think it was fine and then they were wanting me to give them directions based on the map that I hadn't even figured out yet

And I didn't seem to be able to really read it

But then we all of a sudden were in some city

and I had no idea what city it was but it was someplace I'd never been before like I don't know somewhere in Ohio maybe

and then we got to downtown and they pulled into this like shoot kind of thing

And I'm like where are you going now

And there are like well this is the subway and I'm like this is the subway you just drive into the subway

but yeah apparently that's what you did You drove into the subway and then you took this car

And it took us to some amusement park

And I'm like this is where we're trying to get to an amusement park

Because I don't believe I thought I was going to an amusement park

But I was wearing this very elaborate historical costume

I'm not really sure what period it was from

It was very comfortable though

Maybe I don't know I don't think it was regency but maybe it was

It was white I know that

And it was long I know that

I had to go to the restroom so I was looking for the restroom

And I found the restroom and I walked in and it's like a room

But there are a bunch of women in it

Like having a tea in lecture and doesn't seem to be a restroom at all

And there's white curtains all around the walls

So finally I think well maybe there's something behind the curtains and I start looking behind the curtains

Behind the curtains there are these drawers that look like they slide out from the wall

so I start pulling them out to see what's in them first what I pull out is a bed

And I'm like okay well that's not useful

And then somebody else pulls one out and it's toilet

And I'm like really that's the bathroom system there's no privacy

And everybody just kind of looks at me like what's my problem

And I'm like o-kaaaay

And then I woke up

I'm going to bed now

I love you very much

I'm sorry I've been such a drag

I'm trying to snap out of it I swear

 this

right here

about the train guy

i'm crying again

 this is interesting

i like this

it's like a zoom meeting between biden

community leaders

and

the we the people need

this progrm seems very informed by pandemic communication forms

it's not a seemless format as i kind of expected

it seems like a zoom convention

with the little episodic inserts that are less zoom

and more about connection

more like if you were with people

and the outdoor scenes are emotionally lifting

for me anyway

i haven't really been out of the house properly for months

and then interviews

i'm not sure what i was expecting

but

it wasn't this

 is that los angeles in the background

it occurs to me that

most cities

i probably can't identify

i pretty much have to have a landmark building

i've been to l.a.

but

i'm just not sure

 ok

this is the state of me

i started crying shortly after we the people

then i thought

kinda propaganda-y

but

i'm still crying

wish there wasn't a prayer

why eva longoria

Bad bad headache

Sleeping a little more

I'm going to sleep now for a little

I love you very much

i have issues with my thoughts

 It's raining here.  It's been raining for a while.  Which is kind of funny because earlier I found a video with a simulated twin peaks diner and I think it had rain in the background and I almost set it to play in the background.  I wanted rain.

I still feel a little in-a-funk-y.  However my fictitious skincare brand has a first concept product.  I'm almost out of my miracol mask, and although I have plenty of other and nicer masks, I am considering whether or not to buy a new one.  Why?!  I really like it.  It reduces breakouts and has some positive benefit for blackheads (not enough, but some) and it also has anti-aging benefits.  It's fast (like fifteen to twenty minutes instead of thirty minutes to an hour).  Most masks will tell you some crap like ten to fifteen minutes, but most masks will not really accomplish anything unless they are used for thirty minutes or more.  This one, once it sets up it has had some effect, for reals.  Most masks that fight breakouts will dry your skin, not this one, it leaves your skin soft and toned and like lifted and just really nice.  It smells terrible, it feels terrible, it's gloopy and sticky and a pain to wash off your hands.  There is nothing nice and spa-like, nothing at all, but it works.   It's got red dye and parabens--  it's bright pink why does it need to be bright pink?!  It's got a pretty short ingredient list.  It was one of the original formulas that Merle Norman created for her skincare line.  She was a chemist, or she trained as a chemist, I'm not clear which but she knew what she was doing.

It's got albumen.  So it's like an egg white mask except stronger because it has just the protein albumen, not whatever other stuff might be in egg white liquid.  My mother used to run after me and smear egg whites on my face when we were at her parent's house and I had blackheads as a kid, and they never did a damn thing for the blackheads or my face--  they were just gross.  This mask gets much much tighter.  But the thing is that the protein is also amazing for older skin.  So this mask works for all ages.  Now it was originally too tight for me and it kind of irritated my face, but then I read somewhere that the original instructions were to clean face with the cleansing cream (which is like cold cream, but more like a stage makeup cold cream that like ponds) and then after cleaning it off put another thin coat on your face before putting the miracol on.  This is like a game-changer.  The oil gets down into your pores and the mask bonds with it and it helps pull more out of your pores, plus it protects your skin from the irritation of too strong of tightening action.  I don't use the cold cream.  I have.  I like it, but it's all mineral oil and though that works great it doesn't feel nice and the green police say it's bad for you and blah blah blah. I know that mineral oil is fine and it removes makeup better than anything else and the eve lom, in fact has mineral oil and I love that, but I'm kind of rationing that because I'm not wearing makeup and blah blah.  Whatever.  There is also urea which the green people also don't like,but which is an amazing moisturizer and supposedly a mild exfoliant.  It also has elderberry powder which is an anti-oxidant and maybe serves some other skin regenerative purpose, at least I'm pretty sure it's elderberry, it might be elderflower or I might have the thing wrong--  it's the latin name and I didn't look it up just now.  

I was toying with the idea of trying to make a version without the dye and stuff.  I thought maybe I could use aloe instead of water.  I was trying to think what other things I could throw in there.  I'm picturing it in a small paint tube, which at some point morphed into a silver oil paint looking tube with a parchment-y label--  quite against my will,that's just how it looks in my head now.  The mask that comes out is not quite opaque, it's slightly translucent, and the color keeps shifting.  It has this slightly paint-like tack to the texture but it's nice and non-gloopy.  I started off thinking canadian glacier clay,but then I wound my way around to pollen (which is also high in protein)--  but might cause allergic reactions, to manuka honey.  I'm just not sure.  Honey might cause it not to tighten properly.  

But then.  My whole fantasy was shattered because I had this thought.  Buy this and this and mix in whatever ingredients you want to try, but surely that will work and give you more masks than you could ever want.  And that probably will work.  And it might be as good or better, dunno.  Or I could just buy another mask for $22. rather than spending a bunch of money on ingredients.  That sukoyaka suhada is supposed to be the best stuff ever, but it probably has parabensin it too.  Korean skincare doesn't have parabens but a lot of Japanese skincare does.  There is not a consensus on paraben danger.  New products are largely made with other preservatives, but older formulations are not all being reformulated.  {I just checked and it doesn't have parabens.]  So, idk, whatever. 

I wound myself up into a huge thing, and then I wound myself out of it.

The bex lilas thing, I'm not sure what that is.  When I woke up it was in my head.  Could be it's the name of the brand.  Could be it's a character name.  Since I have to start over on the book idea, maybe it's got a name for the character now, dunno.

Bex Lilas pronounced Bex rhymes with hex and Lila's is lee-lah.

I'm going to sleep for a little while

I love you very much sweetheart

treasures in the mail

 So I got the facial oil and I really like it.  It doesn't really absorb very well, though.  It feels very smooth and silky and all but it takes hours to absorb.  I figured papaya oil would be light and absorb quickly, in fact I even thought it was described as a light oil (might be mis-remembering).  I really like it though.  I've been trying not to pick and I mean I am so so close to having everything healed up. Also limited red spots of healed stuff.  This is either going to take me over the edge and fix it all up, or it will over-stimulate it and start the whole process over.  Fingers crossed.

When I went to my mailbox to get the oil there was a check from the Department of the Treasury.  I wasn't sure what that was about.  I filed an extension, so even if I will get a refund (which I'm quite certain I won't) there is no reason that it would be here now.  I've been keeping mostly up with the news and I've heard nothing to indicate that there is any more stimulus coming (and again even if there were it wouldn't be here now).  I scratched my head.  I sprayed it with disinfectant. I opened it up.  $13.48.  Weird.

I mean, the amount is recognizable to me, but not why I'm getting it now.  Let me explain.

Last year or maybe it was the year before, I'm not totally sure now, I filed for an extension.  When I paid it I owed 'em like $150. or something.  So I paid that.  And before when I owed 'em money, if it was less than $400 then I didn't owe penalty.  But this time apparently I did.  So whatever.  The government says you owe 'em money, then you owe 'em money.  But when they sent it, the bill I mean, was right before the shut down.  Not the c'v'd lockdown, the government shutdown.  So, I was both pissed off about that and wasn't even sure there was anybody there to receive it.  So I didn't send it right away.  It was for like $10.  Then I forgot about it.

One day I got a phone call when I was half asleep and I pressed screen.  And this whole thing came up about how the irs was taking me to court and whatnot.  And I'm like wtf.  I was pretty sure it was a scam.  It was, as it turns out, but I didn't know about it as a scam at the time.  It just didn't make sense.  I had paid them why would they waste resources takingme to court over $10. without, ya know, like sending me another bill--  it hadn't been that long.  So I thought I'd just call the irs and clear it up, but i couldn't get through, and I started to panic a little.  So I busted out the letter they sent with the bill and it said you could pay online.  I thought it was possible that the penalty might have increased, since I didn't pay right away but I wasn't sure how much, so I paid them $25.  They sent me a refund check for $13.48 which I never cashed.  But I figured, if they were sending me a refund they must be content that I had paid them what I owed them and I forgot all about it.

Now, I haven't been super law of attraction-y recently.  But the last few days I've tried to get back on the bandwagon.  And today I get a check from the government.  I guess maybe somebody decided to check for any way they could send people help and started looking for refund checks that hadn't cleared and re-issued them.  Like maybe I didn't get it and they aren't valid after six months so I couldn't cash it now.  That's the only thing I can think of.  Probably gonna cash this one.  It's not much, but it's the thought that counts. 

I love you very much sweetheart

I'm gonna sleep for a little while now

this might not be interesting either

 ok

i wanted to write to you

something about

my mother and her crazy idea

that there were some mailboxes that were not

real mailboxes

this was something

from when i was a teen-ager

or maybe early college

but

i have been scattered between the news

and there was some thing about the q thing

[which i don't want to write here because i don't want

there to be any possibility of someone coming here for that]

that said it tied in with the nine-eleven truthers

and that threw me into a tailspin

because i completely think that was a conspiracy

and i'm not alt right

and i'm not a bunch of other stuff

but it threw me into a tail-spin

plus i was confused about another thing, maybe

because of a lack of knowledge

and

then too

i had to work on my fictitious makeup line

i've decided

it's got two lines

a sea line and a flower line

and the drawings on the bottles are different colors

i think the sea line maybe has drawing in white

and the cap is white too

the cap is smooth not that ridge-y texture

but the ridge-y texture is mirrored in the label

maybe

and the flower line is yellow drawings and a yellow top

but now i want both lines  *sigh*

it's like i have a bottle bouncing around behind me

i also had a crazy idea

to make them all sort of inter-changable

or use-together-able that i had kind of discarded

but

they would all be pretty together if you like rainbow colors

and i think those ugly drunk elephant packages are different colors

which was maybe why i thought no

but

for some reason now

i want something in red packaging

so there is maybe a cleansing oil

or balm and maybe the balm could be in a tube (fun)

i mean maybe there is both

and you'd pick one

and then you have to have a foaming cleanser

but i don't much like those

sometimes i like soap

but the zoomers don't use bar soap

they think it's gross

so maybe that's in a tube as well

i don't know how difficult or expensive tube packaging is

but the millenials and zoomers really like the tube packaging

so maybe heavy on that for as much stuff as possible

but i really like the tubes too

all the products that i have gotten a glimpse of in a picture

and chased around to find out what they are

have been in tubes

besides, reminds me of paint tubes

you could do a gel toner too, it could be in a tube

great for travel lixirskin is all in tubes, mostly

but then the jars are so pretty

and i like jars for some things

maybe that works out later, i've got myself sold on the tubes

so bottles you've got cleansing oil, maybe

and i'm tempted to say skip the toner

just have essences

and

a sea essence with kelp bioferment and marine collagen

and or sea silt (i really liked that sea silt serum)

no no no

kelp bioferment and marine collagen are too obvious

sea silt and astaxanthin, maybe

and i've been thinking about the serum bottles

and i went back and forth

but ya know what is the most handy to use

and this was a great product to is this dropper-y thing

also great for travel

not very glamorous, though

and the ingredients in that, i mean corn oil and cororants and fragrance oh my

and it is, i kid you not, never gonna go bad

because it's got like six preservatives

but it is super nice

man

that makes me want it, remembering how nice it was

and it's got good stuff in it

i'm trying to use clean stuff and that has parabens and whatnot

but if you put a really really good label

and it's super fun to use

and not breakable

and travel friendly

maybe it would fly

in fact you could do smaller tubes

i'm getting kinda excited about the paint box angle

 And now instead of hearing about Biden/Harris we are hearing about disappearing mailboxes and destroying sorting equipment.  They are really pulling out all the stops to stay in the news cycle, but isn't it counter productive to call attention to things that non-democratic voters will also really dislike.  I mean, like wtf.

 Ok.  Another question.  Why can people not get this Latinx thing right?  If you understand what it's about it should not be this hard.  Latino/Latina is gendered.  Latinx is ungendered.  It makes it possible to say "people" without making women just be part of men.  If Latino is pronounced  la-teen-o and Latina is pronounced la-teen-ah then Latinx is not pronounced la-tin-exxxx.  Come on people. Wouldn't it logically be la-teen-iks.

I'm gonna sleep now

I love you sweetheart

i think i enjoy to design things, or something

 I would like to create a skincare line, and I suppose I could, but it would be a little expensive to start up and also I might, no, I for sure would, need to learn more about formulation.  A lot of people seem to be doing it on Etsy though.  But the problem with me is that I don't think I have a very common skin situation, so it's not like I'd be creating the products to fill a niche need.  I have very fiddly needs.  I've found that I can't really, at least any more, just use the same thing every day, which is what I'd kind of like to do.  It needs exfoliation, but not too much.  It needs actives, but not too much.  I really would like--  at least in theory to be able to--  have three or four things that I could use every day morning and night with maybe a mask added once or twice a week.  Probably I don't really want that.  Probably I love to try new things.  But the idea of creating the perfect line for me with all the things I love that work for my skin is very appealing.  Chlorella Growth Factor and SeaKelp bioferment and Propolis and cloudberry oil and black cumin oil and carrot seed essential oil and manuka essential oil and blue yarrow essential oil and wow there are a lot more things.  And designing the packaging would be difficult--  well,I guess it wouldn't if I was making a budget line on Etsy--  but if I was doing like something nice, where the packaging is supposed to help sell it would be tricky.  My taste is not typical.  For example this is what most women seem to think is beautiful packaging--  not just that product, but the whole Tatcha line.  I don't like the way they look at all.  I just spent a long time down a rabbit hole looking for an equivalent product that I do like the look of which was stupid because I'm not talking about that product I'm talking about the design of all the packaging, which is pearlescent and either white or purple.  I think that what I hate about the packaging is the shape.  And I think outer people really like the shape.  I like more apothecary shapes, but mostly more squared but not...

This, I like this!

I'm not crazy about the label but I like the squared off bottle and the black cap and the design on the glass.  I also like this tube packaging and this shape jar, especially with this lid.  I really like the texture of it.  Now I like a good squared jar too, but with this one you wouldn't have all the corner action, plus it's just so pretty.

This isn't interesting, just kind of how my mind goes when I'm stressed

 I'm feeling a little stressed, I guess.  I am not feeling all that talk-y.  I want to talk to you.  But I think the things I want to talk about are mostly not likely to be interesting to you.  My excitement for a new cheap skincare product that I hope will be almost as good as a really expensive skincare product that i love.  Well, I've started, I might as well tell you.  I have this stuff, I buy it in very small jars and it lasts a long time so I could argue that it isn't that expensive, but it's expensive.  I've talked about it before.  The Truth Treatments C Balm.  It's tetrahexyldecyl ascorbate.  The lipid soluble version of vitamin c.  It's one of those "medical grade" skincare from a formulating pharmacist and it really not only makes your skin glow like a hundred watt bulb, heals up whatever you got going on that needs healing, but it also builds collagen--  or at least i feel like it does.  But, like I said, it's 'spensive.  And I like to buy things from small business on Etsy and such rather than buy from Amazon or wherever, but I was looking for the tetrahexyldecyl ascorbate, which used to be a very uncommon ingredient but maybe isn't quite as uncommon now.  You can find plenty of ascorbic acid serums now but I can't use them they irritate my skin.  You can find other forms and some of them work for me, but not like this.  Maybe that's just because it's such a strong concentration or the formulation or whatever, but I cannot be using this every night or I will run out fast.  I found this serum brightening serum and it seemed like a winner.  I am a read the label kind of girl.  And this has the tetrahexyldecyl ascorbate but it also has carrot root which might be as good as carrot seed essential oil but should be good anyway.  The papaya seed oil might be slightly exfoliating, but it's an oil so I'm feeling like it won't be as irritating.  Whatever.  I have high hopes.  The eye serum I got from her is my favorite eye product, currently.  I had that eye cream which worked the best of anything but I am having an aversion to creams of any sort right now.  I feel like they will break me out.  

Anyway.  I'm excited about that, it should be here tomorrow, maybe.

The cat is pacing around.  He's acting like he wants to eat, but he doesn't usually eat until 4:30 or 5 and I feel like I just fed him an hour or so ago.  Maybe not, maybe it was two hours ago, but I don't think so.  I don't know why I'm so obsessed with skin care.

Yeah, I just had to feed him.  He was standing at the door screaming.

I bought, months ago now, maybe a year ago, a "sonic shaver".  It just seems like a small shaver but now that I have used it, it does seem different, so maybe, but it's battery operated, so maybe not.  Anyway, I don't like the idea of shaving my face, but the peach fuzz is more than it was when i was younger and also more on one side than the other and either of these things alone would be enough to cause me to freak out, ya know.  Then though,on top of that there are the antennae.  They grow cyclically, so what I would tend to do is shave those off and then pluck them as they grow back.  Sometimes if you catch 'em at the time they are slightly less painful.  That was not the case the last time, so I've been watching them come in and getting less and less happy about it until i just busted it out.  It was easy and painless and i shaved my arms while I was at it because I now find that hair extremely unattractive as well.

 

 ok now, question:  wtf with the birtherism. I mean, it was pretty unbelievable with Obama, but Harris wasn't born anywhere exotic or complicated she was born in fucking Oakland, Ca.  Also, the idea that she might not be a citizen because she had immigrant parents, wtf.  In America if you are born in America you are American full stop.  Isn't that part of the shit they're always complaining about Mexicans for, supposedly, coming here and having babies so they can get citizenship as parents of citizens.  Do they really think they can have this both ways?  Also the idea that Harris is a left wing candidate is ridiculous.  She is possibly more law & order that is ideal.  Also, if she is so leftist then why did 45 give money to her CA AG campaign?  He doesn't even live in California.  Is it really possible that they have no dirt on Biden/Harris?  Mad Nasty Woman and Sleepy Joe is the best they can do?  Are all the operatives working for Lincoln Project?  I thought this whole week would be Biden/Harris news cycle, and quite frankly I cannot believe that this stupid racist bullshit is taking it over.  Why is the media letting this have so much oxygen?

 i love you

it's about the kraken

 i dreamed i was being let go from work

and i was dismantling displays

and 

i had a room of stuff

karl asked me what i wanted to take

i picked up like four things

throw the rest away, i said

sorry i didn't post it earlier

it wasn't the fun i wanted

and

i'm being distracted by the news

I'm about to go to bed

I'm planning to dream about

Cool stuff

then

I'll tell you about it

I guess

I should write about

the kind of stuff

I write about

instead of trying to write

like the novel about this period of history

I guess

my quirky worldview is what I've got going for me

I love you very much

you look really good

and you sound really good

goodnight sweetheart

I love you so much

edited

i'm confused, maybe

or maybe i'm not

it's confusing

I've got the legend of Yasiel Puig stuck in my head

Are you okay?

There were these giant pools like they look like man-made swimming pools on the surface of the moon but giant and was four of them two were round

They were just in like a four formation like you know {hashtag} tic-tac-toe one two three four grid that makes sense right

That was just very delicate process to get to the right pool and then to get to the bottom of the right pool and then defined

The person who would cut your hair

But it was like this kind of shamanic experience where there could only be one person okay cut your hair and you had to pick them and they had to be the right one because you had some kind of lifetime bond with your hair cutter

that sounds super ridiculous now that I'm saying that out loud

But in the dream it was all really important and really detailed and really I don't know cosmic

I'm going to sleep now

I love you

I hope you get some good sleep

Goodnight sweetheart

Almost forgot

Sleeping now

💋

quotidienne: coffee + toast 8:10

 i dreamed about

coffee shop, i think

only people were going back to college

and

i was changing clothes in the back of a van

before i went in some big house

to meet some important person

and

i was meeting some kid going back to college

at a noodle shop

and

there was more, but i don't remember

mr sluggo

he often strays from the kitchen a little

which made me nervous at first

because the carpet powder

does it really all get vacuumed up

has at least baking soda

and maybe other thing that might not be good for mr sluggo

but

he seems fine

i figure he knows what he's doing

but last night

he was out about halfway between the kitchen and bathroom

which granted

isn't all that far

but was about two feet further out

and put him in a shadow

i could have stepped on him accidently

i told him how glad i was to see him

and how fine he was looking

but

that maybe be careful about blending in too good

the cat looked at him with interest when he first showed up

but now

mr sluggo could be invisible asfar as kitty's concerned

he leaves these beautiful glistening tracks

even when they dry they continue to have a slight ethereal sparkle when you catch them from the right angle

did i tell you i thought he was transforming into a leaf during the day

and then

when there were two mr sluggos

there were mysteriously two leaves

my mind was properly blown

 i was going to go to bed a while ago

but

i didn't

i have like eight more scenes

i have to write

unless i'm forgetting one

or i think of a clever way to condense them

i was surprised it was that many

but

that's the information i have to get in

i am actually looking forward to getting through this part

i'm ready to get on to funner parts

mr sluggo and the night kitchen

but

it's not all going to be fun with slugs

i hope you had a good day

i love you very much sweetheart

and i realize i'm not writing much dialog

but this book isn't really about dialog

i hope not every chapter is as information dense as the first one

i feel like every little bit i write is a whole short story

and i'm not certain that i should have

put the stuff about the toilet being stolen

i may change that

i want it to simultaneously maybe be

a mystery about the actually missing thing

and the metaphor of a stolen america

so

that part may end up having to be changed somehow

if it doesn't work

with the later on stuff

anyway

if you don't like it

then

i don't know what to say

i'm feeling pretty good about it

but i'm not sure

oh well

goodnight sweetheart

i love you very much 

here's a piece of it i was having trouble with/out of sequence/And yet somehow

She was in a dream, and she was aware that she was in a dream.  She walked up to a table with two people sitting there, but she got the impression that they weren't exactly people, there was something kind of otherworldly about them, they weren't exactly in focus.  On the table was a stack of what looked like lucite tablets, possibly holographic, with what at first seemed like circular cuts in them going all the way around without meeting at the end which would have made them fall through.  However, as she looked at them closer they seemed more like zen enso or the writing of Arrival  aliens.  She felt like she was beginning to get some understanding of them, they were case files.  Whatever, she had run out of time for this analysis, they were asking her questions.  What can you tell us about the golden toilet, they wanted to know.

Well, it's an art piece by Maurizio Cattelan commissioned by the Guggenheim.  It's an installation piece that's an actual functional toilet made out of, i think, 18 karat gold.  They had it set up in the Guggenheim as an installation for people to actually use as a toilet.  They offered it to 45 as an art loan but he declined.  Oh yeah, and the title of the piece is America.  What can you tell me about it?

It's been stolen.

She couldn't stop thinking about it after she woke up.  She looked it up. It had been stolen.  It had been loaned out to Churchill's birthplace.  It had disappeared.  There didn't seem to be any leads.  

I dreamed that I was being interviewed

Buy some sort of entities

I don't know if it was spirit guides or if it was star people

But they had this like tablets with almost complete circles cut out of them but not complete so they were like cut but they wouldn't fall out

And those were the other people

Instantly knew something about the other people

And I instantly knew how I fit into that group

And then these entities are gods or whoever they were they started talking to me

But I don't really remember what they said

Okay that story is not going to be done by tomorrow

I've got a thousand words about that are full on written down

But I'm still having a little trouble working out a few things

And a thousand words is only like three three and a half pages

And I'd really like it to be at least 12

I got my physical lot 49 in the mail and it's first chapter is only 12 pages so I don't need it to be you know 25 or 30 like I said initially but I still haven't really thought of a good way to introduce the spirit guides ahead of time

And maybe I don't need to

maybe if I ride it the right way it's perfectly legitimate for her to be just like calling out for help and you don't have to have had this whole backstory of the whole life of communication

Because that isn't really what this book is about

so I'm playing it out different ways and trying to see how it works out

but I think it's more likely that it'll be Monday or Tuesday before I finish

Now on the plus side I think this first chapter is a little trickier because I'm setting things up

And so hopefully some of the other chapters won't be so hard

But that's probably wishful thinking they probably will all be somewhat tricky

And I realize that the thing that I said oh I want to get this down and then what I actually wrote was I don't know planer

But I decided that if I had shorthand and I had amusement park that was a pretty egregious mixing of a metaphor

And that what I wanted to say was shorthand

Also I really wanted it to be as non-specific as possible

Because I don't want to talk about my job in this I don't want it to be about me in my job me bitching about my job me talking about all the ills of corporate America That's not what this book is about

So I realize that in that section I really did do quite a bit of editing in place

and I realized that my mother says that that's against the rules and you're not supposed to do that but I don't really give a s*** what she says

In point of fact what happens when I write is I start writing and I get a little ways in and I go I'm not really interested in this I don't like the way this is going this isn't something I would want to read and then I kind of lose my enthusiasm for writing it

and if what I do is I just sit down and write a bunch of stuff as it comes to me and then it is n't getting interesting that's not the path I want to go down

although I will say that I really really want to chain smoke and pace I really feel like that would improve the writing process ever so much and I'm not doing that I'm not going to do that but I'm having a desire to do that

and I realized that I haven't written a book before but I did a lot of writing when I was in college that was successful

as opposed to a lot of the writing I've done since I've been out of college and it has not been what I would call successful

And what I did when I did the successful writing was I worked out through my head until I had a very clear grasp of what I was going to say and then I would write it in the moment so that it both had an element of plannedness and spontaneousness

much in the same way that if I'm going to go to some sort of important thing and have to talk to somebody I prepare but I don't plan exactly what I'm going to say I just think about all the issues and get my thoughts really clear on the issues and etc

So I'm going to trust that I know more about how I write than my mother does because I just do

And I gather some bad s*** happen today but I haven't really been on Twitter and I haven't really watched the news and I don't really know what's going on

So not sure how I got to be so late

But I'm going to go to bed and love you very much and I hope you have a good sleep and I'm going to think about things and imagine after I sleep I will have a clearer idea about what I want to do about the things I'm trying to work out in my story

that part that I posted today I realize it wasn't very long but I really had a lot of thoughts about how deeply I wanted to go into it and then decided that on the detail of my actual job I wanted to go pretty shallow in the detail

So anyway again I love you I hope you get some good sleep I'll talk to you in the probably not super early morning I'm going to try to not sleep a whole lot but just enough that I'm coherent

I'm in bed and I've got ideas I want to get down

Work had become a shorthand of itself for her it was always kind of a amusement park ride and currently she was in the trough of the roller coaster waiting for it to go back up

Mondayshe had a little less than an hour to walk the department pull all the signage from the email and blast from the weekend straighten things up make notes about what she needed to order Read email and corporate communications review any ups coming sales or promotions right orders and make note of anything she needed to do catches catch can the rest of the day then she was potentially unregistered the rest of the day

Tuesday Walk the department straighten things up makes bases for things that were coming in receive orders put away orders have a little more flexibility with when she did what because there might be more coverage and for sure there was the young manager who actually believed she had things to do I would pretty much let her do them Tuesday was a good day of the week

Write beer orders

Catch up on things

Wednesday she was usually off

Thursday they were orders to write sometimes but the amount of time she had available to do her actual job had been so diminished that she tried not to do orders on Thursday for Friday she tried to get everything ordered on Monday so at the very least any order there was would be very small and easier to put away on Friday when they would be busy and she would have to put out signage for email blasts restock everything for the weekend but that would be likely to be other things operationally that she would get pulled into from other departments and there was always the registerit's pretty much tells you about Thursday and Friday

Saturday she had a tasting which for many years at her job had been the high point on the roller coaster where you can look around and see everything and you have the excitement

She had built up a customer base that would come on Saturday for an amazing tastings and people would buy a full cart full of wine a various sorts but because of a unfortunate competitor down the street her wine was no longer competitively priced and because of a manager who came from a small store and didn't understand the value of tastings and didn't like wine and didn't seem to much like her what she could taste had been diminished and so that customer base had stopped coming saying you know we can get this kind of tasting two different wines we can get something better than this at any grocery store and they stop coming and some of them had already stopped coming because the people who bought that much wine at a time were going to spend more so in a way when the regional vice president had decided to discontinue tastings the kind of made sense

However now they had a new fearless leader who came from more upscale brand who believed in tasting and customer interaction and Nordstrom  level of customer service

With a labor plan which called for the department had to be a cashier predominantly

And the store generally to be run was slightly less than the fewest number of people possible to get the job done

So it seemed impossible to her that anyone making any of these rules had any idea how anything actually worked at the store level

Which quite frankly was not new

i love you, goodnight sweetheart (edited)

 i talked to my mother on the phone

she said she missed my voice

and i put her off for several days

but finally i just had to

so we talked for several hours

and then i couldn't go to sleep

or

do anything productive

i'm about to go to bed now

i hope

i'm thrown off

i love you sweetheart

goodnight

oh

and i read her a little of my story

and about a page of lot 49

and

then i made the mistake of asking her something

what does the dream at the beginning tell you about the character

and then i waited

and she's like

are you asking me a question

i can't answer questions

but then she proceeded to tell me

your words flowed really well

it sounded more like a finished work than arough draft

i think the standard accepted way that you are supposed to write is not to edit as you go

you should just be writing not editing

and i'm like that's what i'm doing

that's how my writing comes out

i'm just thinking it out

and planning before i start writing

but i'm not stopping the flow once i start

i don't think

i should have read her any

she reads

and she has always wanted me to write

but idk

it always seems like she doesn't understand me

or doesn't like it or something

anyway

whatever  

rough draft

 Liberte egalite fraternite the toothbrush glass motto cried out to her as she brushed her teeth and toweled herself dry.  Now the cat would be fed.  He ran halfway down the stairs then stopped.  I'm king of the stairs he glared up at her.  Working at cross purposes again I see, she said, now please try not to kill mommy or how will you ever get breakfasses, and obviously seeing the sense in that he moved on to the kitchen for first breakfast.  There would, of course, be second breakfast before she left.  This had been negotiated by kitty, which is what she called him although it was not his name.  When she first brought him home from the rescue in spring of 2016 a fully grown cat jaded by the system, aggressive and taciturn--  nicknamed she later discovered in a phone conversation with his foster mom the donald for both his aggression and his orangeness--  they had had differing opinions about his role.  She wanted affection, companionship and was dismayed when he did not greet her at the door when she came home from work.  She had explained to him that she would feed him when she came home, entering through the kitchen, and that she was willing to call him a minimal number of times, but that she expected him to greet her.  He had complied, he wanted the food afterall, but over time it had become the ritual she had noticed to be enjoyable between herself and her previous companions of the cat persuasion.  Kitty, however, had later reasoned that going away was categorically equivalent and hence was owing if celebrated.  She could not argue, and what is more she did not wish to argue, she was happy to comply, and so had begun what would later be formally named the living document.

She got in her car, let it warm up, and drove to the exit gate.  She hopped out and entered the code in the pad.  She hopped back in, closed the door, drove up enough to engage the sensor, then put on her safety belt before pulling down into the decline where she could see the oncoming traffic.  This had become more of a dance recently and the word hopped is used ironically.  This used to be a process in which the only conscious process was to be close enough to the key pad to avoid getting out until the window motor ceased functioning.  She had taken it to the shop.  They could not find a part for the 1995 window.  She had found the exact part on eBay and returned to the shop triumphant only to have the installed and totally functional part do the same thing less than six months later.  However, this time the window stuck in the full upright position and so was only extremely annoying.  Drive-thru was largely more trouble than it was worth.  Every time there she didn't use a drive-thru she had a small flashback to her lost voice months.

She had been very ill in 1997, or maybe 1998.  She couldn't remember the exact sequence.  She had had the flu.  An especially bad flu.  She remembered the coughing that made her hurt so bad she couldn't sleep.  She had gone to the Clinica and they had given her a prescription for codeine cough syrup which gave her nightmares but calmed the cough sure enough.  She must have taken off work, difficult as that was to believe, and she had been in bed with the vaporizer going in a room with real wood paneling on the walls which created the best possible sauna-like environment.  One evening she had been laying in bed, next to her the man she had lived with for several years, watching Conspiracy Theory, when he noticed that she wasn't making any sense.  He had checked her temperature and it was so high he had somehow gotten her into an ice bath.  The whole experience had frightened him so much she had heard a lot of stories about it, but she only had fragmentary memories of either the bath or Conspiracy Theory.  Anyway, one thing and another, there had been complications and she had ended up losing her voice for about six months to the extent that she couldn't be heard over the speaker at a drive-thru.  The phone had been difficult too.  This was much less inconvenient than that. 

Work had become a shorthand of itself for her.  Monday:  less than an hour to walk the department pulling signage from the weekend sales, tidying things up, making note of what needed to be ordered, reading email, reviewing upcoming sales and promotions, placing large vendor orders, and making note of anything else she needed to do catch as catch can the rest of the day.  Tuesday:  walk the department straightening things and making room for the incoming order stock, read email, receive orders, put away orders, place small vendor orders, catch up on items from Monday.  Wednesday:  usually off.  Thursday:  read email, place large vendor orders if necessary.  Friday:  read email, print signage for weekend sales, walk the department putting out signage, tidying, making room, adjusting placement for sales, receive large vendor orders, receive small vendor orders, put orders away.  Saturday:  read email, restock department, prep for customer interaction event, cycle count activity, host interaction event, clean up, restock key items.

So she was at the register.

She was in a dream, and she was aware that she was in a dream.  She walked up to a table with two people sitting there, but she got the impression that they weren't exactly people, there was something kind of otherworldly about them, they weren't exactly in focus.  On the table was a stack of what looked like lucite tablets, possibly holographic, with what at first seemed like circular cuts in them going all the way around without meeting at the end which would have made them fall through.  However, as she looked at them closer they seemed more like zen enso or the writing of Arrival  aliens.  She felt like she was beginning to get some understanding of them, they were case files.  Whatever, she had run out of time for this analysis, they were asking her questions.  What can you tell us about the golden toilet, they wanted to know.

Well, it's an art piece by Maurizio Cattelan commissioned by the Guggenheim.  It's an installation piece that's an actual functional toilet made out of, i think, 18 karat gold.  They had it set up in the Guggenheim as an installation for people to actually use as a toilet.  They offered it to 45 as an art loan but he declined.  Oh yeah, and the title of the piece is America.  What can you tell me about it?

It's been stolen.

She couldn't stop thinking about it after she woke up.  She looked it up. It had been stolen.  It had been loaned out to Churchill's birthplace.  It had disappeared.  There didn't seem to be any leads.