the only thing i remember

from last night's dream
was driving into Los Angeles
down Wilshire
there was no traffic
and i was trying
to decide where to stay
the hotel I like
or
a hostel
I keep trying to make myself
stay at
in Santa Monica

i only remember two things from my dreams last night

1) trying to make clothing from fish skin


2) space prom


hope you are happy and healthy and good
love you

and

I'm sorry
I let pesach get away from me
I thought it was starting Saturday night
then I found out
no
it already started
and I didn't do anything for it
it is
my favorite
but
I'm just not used to holidays
and I guess I'm not competent to keep up with them unless I'm really paying attention


this year
I was planning a whole thing
about how
even though there's no archeological record
it is symbolically important
but
I don't seem to be demonstrating the importance
*sigh*
I'm sorry baby
I think I have to be happy
and have more hope
or less depression
to be
jewish-y
I think
I'm still not doing so well
although that dream was s hopeful sign
and I'm better today
but
I just didn't do a whole Passover thing
sorry


i love you though

dream creations

i dreamed
i made this book
it wasn't really like a regular book
it was more like an installation
it was a story
but it stretched out
each page
along a wall

some of it was painted paper
some of it was more constructed
with felt
or fibers
with words
or images
mostly in intense shades of blue

and
it was about
love
and devotion
and loyalty
and
overcoming obstacles

and maybe disease
which is somewhat worrisome

but
it was awesome
and i was proud of it


don't know
exactly what to think that means
but
i guess it's good, huh


hope you are happy and healthy and good

i got a flat tire

I'm not sure why
but
I was going to deal with I yesterday
but
then it started raining again
and I just couldn't deal
so I'm bussin it
but
I'm still
so tired
I just don't understand

i love you

it's a strange relationship

with buzz
it was like he recognized me
when he first saw me
and there was a kind of love at first sight thing goin on
but
with Neptune
it's not like that
he's sweet
he likes affection
he seems very smart
and it's like
we're learning what the other one likes
and trying to adapt to it
so
I guess it isn't really weird
I guess it's good
but
maybe not what I'm used to
for instance
he doesn't like to eat from bowls
he likes plates
but
he somehow managed to communicate that
probably his foster mother fed him on paper plates
he can smell buzz
and it makes him nervous
but
he found the shoes that I bought
since buzz
and those are his
also
he has found the only spots buzz never really sat in
and those are the spots he likes
he said likes to be coaxed to eat
like shmee did
he knows and answers to his name
which he can't have had more than
a couple months at most
he's a good cat
 he doesn't feel like my long lost friend
but
he wants me to be happy
and
that's more than you have a right to expect
from a cat
he lifts up his paw
in this way that piglet used to
but
I'm sure it means something different
and his tail
is
probably transmitting signals to space
it is thin
and pointy
and, actually, not the kind of wide rudder cheetah tail that i find so beautiful
but
it is so so very active
and he does this straight up and vibrating thing
that looks like a space antenna
I swear
I think
he's gonna be a good friend
and I'm gonna enjoy learning what all his signals mean
so
I'm sleeping better, already

it might not make any sense, but i feel less depressed

i went to two petsmarts
i saw him at the first one
he's not that dramatic looking of a cat
sitting in a cage
and he seemed older
but he's only about a year old

his sign said
he was rescued from the pound on the day before they were gonna kill him
that he almost died there from depression
because he lost his home and family

that made me stop
he was huddled in his cage
like:  i just gotta get through this--  distant
but when i opened the cage he came up to me
pushed into me as i petted him

he's a very muscular wiry cat
and it turns out
not too big
he seemed a lot bigger in the cage

he is lean
and muscular
and his fur isn't soft or sleek
but short and wiry and no nonsense
and i loved the feel of him
something powerful and bad ass but still affectionate

very different from buzz
and when i stopped petting him
closed the cage door
told him i needed to meet some of the other cats
he went back to his huddled pose
glaring:  i guess you're just like all the others

and
none of the other cats i met
did anything except make me compare the experience to him
and
i thought:  i should wait
think it over
be sure what i'm doing
because i thought i wanted a bottle fed baby kitten

but
in the end
i went back and got him
hopefully that's the right thing to have done

i tried to take a picture

but they just all look scary
I look different
when I'm depressed
I guess
I love you, though
not trying to ignore you

hi

I fell asleep on the sofa
headphones in
listening to ink videos
I looked at all kinda things
trying to find
talkative
but
ink is where I ended up, I guess
the lightning woke me up
it's raining to beat the band


I went to the galleria after work today
after work
I didn't really want all the people
but i wanted to wander
and i wanted to go to the fountain pen store
which seems to be gone, or moved, or something
I went to where I thought it was
it wasn't there
I looked on the directory
that's where it said it was
I don't know
so
I gave up and went to sephora
I found an eye shadow brush
nice, their brand, just what i was lookin for
only $16. -- not bad
but
I wasn't done wandering
so I looked and looked
and I bought a powder foundation
Nars all day luminous powder foundation
which wasn't in my plan
I was planning bare minerals blemish correcting
but
I love Nars
and I haven't had any Nars for years
and
I am a difficult color to match
but
when I was looking at Nars
the lightest, Siberia, seemed too light
and the next one, Mont Blanc, just looked so beautiful
the sales girl came over


I'm just trying to decide if this is the right shade for me, I heard myself saying
I can color match you
ok, I said, but I'm wearing a powder foundation now and it's not the right shade-- we'll need to clean that off
she wipes off a swath of cheek and jaw
rubs Mont Blanc into my face
wow, she says, that just disappears into your skin-- it's a perfect match-- look
I look in the mirror
there's a section of my cheek that looks great
yeah, I say, it looks good
I go to check out


I head back to my exit, but a slightly different route
there is an Israeli makeup cart I didn't know to avoid
I haven't been to the mall in a long time
he pulls me over
do you wear makeup
yes, I say
what kind, like Mary Kay
no, not like Mary Kay
like bare minerals
well, yeah sometimes
he has a brush out and is trying to paint my face with mineral makeup
I look at him
I really don't want to do this now
I'm feeling slightly hysterical
he lets me go
look us up on line, he says
as I try to get while the gettin's good
I only get about 15 feet when I tall attractive woman in a very short form fitting dress hands me a sample packet
I say thank you and try to keep walking
we do facials, she says
that's great, I say
let me show you, she says
not now, I say, but I'll keep it in mind
I can show you on your hand
no thank you, not now


are you Jewish, she asks me


now, tho took me by surprise
she's Israeli
why is she asking me that
is she gonna give me a discount if I am
it's like a life long dream to be mistaken for Jewish
which is a silly dream I know, but....
no, I'm not, I say
that seems the safest answer here


really, she says, I just thought
because of how you're dressed


and my first thought was
but my collar bone isn't even covered

when you are prone to depression

normal sadness
or
sometimes other emotions
can slip into depression
like a damaged joint might slip out of place
without as much force
as a healthy one
and today
I don't feel raw and sad
I feel depressed
cold
vacant
apathetic
I still feel like I might cry
but
it's less specific
more global
and
I would do almost anything
not to have to go to that god-forsaken place
just to crawl back in bed
sleep
did i tell you
I just found out my boss
whose last name is mays
but I didn't ask
even though I wanted to
is like the great nephew of Willie Mays
he sees him at family reunions
every two years
six degrees of separation
or something

i'm not the type of person

to lose a child, and then go right out
looking for a replacement
I was sobbing and saying I never
ever
wanted another
and
it wasn't planned that way
but
in the past
the cats would find me
and
so
there would almost always be two
but
it didn't work that way this last go round
so, for the last six, seven years
it was only one
and now there's none
and it's only been a week
and
I'm looking at cat rescue sites online
not because I'm getting a cat
not right now
but
like
because I have to remind myself
that there will be another cat
at some point
because
it's so empty
and it feels disloyal
and
bad
no one could ever replace my baby
my little Zen kitty
who
if he's in my soul cohort
and was just lucky enough to get to be the cat
this time around
is probably sitting in the reboot room
saying
dude, tubular

i am upset about my cat

i'm not doing too well

I just let a customer make me cry
that hasn't happened since my dad died

i hope

you're doin ok
Shaq was just in my store
and i thought of you

i love you

i'm so sad

I've been drinking all day
slowly
I keep seeing him
I'm not sure how I'm gonna take it

i had to schedule the reaper

11:30 am tomorrow

well

I busted out that 1.7 liter bottle of tequila
the one I bought when you broke my heart
and my father died
I drank more than half of it back then
and in the ensuing years
I've had recreational margaritas
like three or four times
I think
I'm gonna buy
another bottle
probably not that big
one can always buy more
if necessary
but
tequila
helps
sometimes
the cat's not dead
he's ok-ish
for now

hoping to get my car back today

I hope you are doing ok
I feel exhausted and a little overwhelmed
the cat is a little better
but
I can't really go into
the forms of intervention he requires
but
he was catatonic for a whole day after
and I have to do it again tonight
anyway
fingers crossed
sorry to be cryptic
love you

doll dreaming

I fell asleep on the sofa
petting my cat
and I dreamed
about antique stores with giant doll houses
I woke up
my back hurt
I had to go to actual bed
I dreamed
a really strange dream


I went somewhere with you
and I was injured, so I was in a wheel chair
and we saw a show or something, together


then you were talking to Norm MacDonald
who, in the dream, was your friend
he was telling you
that you really shouldn't be seen with me
and you were telling him
I wish I could remember the exact words
because it was beautiful


I was you light
or something like that
but you elaborated


he looked at me
he fucks everything up
all his opportunities


yeah, maybe, I say
I've certainly noticed a trend
but
what can I say
I love him


I'm not sure
if Norm was happy
or exasperated with that answer

very groggy today

and
I'm upping my msm
I stopped taking everything while I was sick
except the sick meds
and
I haven't been able to get everything
back to how it was before
but
I was on very minimal
maintenance dosages
so
whatever
I feel dehydrated
and
unmotivated
I want a back massage
and a pep talk


I love you
have a good day today sweetheart

it doesn't make sense

I came in later
I got more sleep
I'm more exhausted
achey {sp?}
I'm just less into this whole change-over thing
I want my ink to come
I want to play
I have to figure out which purse
I (of course) want a new one
I have one I like
but it's rigid and the locker was destroying it
I have one I don't like the handles on
it was a gift
maybe
I could get it altered
pretty sure the shoe hospital does that
not sure what it'd cost
or
maybe I could get a bigger sakroots bag
don't know
don't want to be here


love you

i started writing with a fountsin pen in college

I found one at the drug store that was five dollars
cartridges were cheap too
fun colors
pens and inks
I would get this recycled paper
that just sucked up the ink
and take notes galore
I could switch the cartridge without missing a beat
but
at some point
they stopped selling my five dollar pens
and although I have had others
including some expensive montblancs
I don't really like to carry around expensive stuff
I feel more comfortable
if it doesn't have to be precious


so
finding these inks
that come with a free pen
is quite exciting
but
then I ordered a twenty dollar pen too
not too precious
but
I love fountain pens
and I haven't written with one in years
I got on this manga pen kick
and
kinda lost my way
plus
since I've had the smart phone
and the tiny purse
I haven't been carrying a journal
but
I miss it
it's a thing, ya know

i'm at work

isn't that crazy
and like
wrong

i woke up to pee

and
I'm dreaming about fountain pen ink

i'm working overnight today thru wednesday

I'm not enjoying it all that much
but
whatever
it isn't that bad either


love you

good morning sweetheart

have a really good day
ok
I'm going to try
to have a good day too
maybe the act of trying
will make it better

i dreamed i went to a french gynecologist

I was younger
and thinner
and he handed me a small comb
with hair dye to dye my pubic hair
kind of a burgundy color
then he filled me up with
some kind of foam
and
I think I got some kind of shot
I looked at myself
in the mirror
and
I was pleased


I'm not sure what that's about
I did see a scary commercial
for vaginal atrophy
last night
before I fell asleep
on the sofa
but
I had this dream right before I woke up
just now


there was also
short order cook
my dad shitting on the floor
of his therapists bathroom
refusing to clean it up
and swimming poorly in deep water


so
what does any of that mean

so, not today

today
he's full of fluids
appetite stimulants
antibiotics
but
sooner rather than later
my little guy
is going away

kidney failure

he just got up, walked to his food bowl

and ate like he had an interest
that might be a good sign
maybe

i'm really worried about my cat

he's been getting gradually thinner
which isn't good
it isn't necessarily bad
as such
he's getting old
he's officially the oldest cat I've ever had
he's sixteen
he's got spina bifida
which I didn't know when I got him
but I have known for roughly thirteen years
and
I didn't think he was going to live to be old
but
he seemed fine
until wednesday evening
and he really hasn't eaten or
drunk much
since then
he seems very wobbly on his feet
he seems super frail
I don't know if there's anything wrong with him or not
but
by the time I get off work tomorrow
there's only emergency vet until Monday
he will be mad at me for the vet
and it might just be unnecessary
but
he might be sick
he might need fluids
or
he might just be dying
I'm afraid if I take him
I might end up
ya know
not coming home with him
but he doesn't seem in pain
I am not ready
I love this cat so much
I'm not gonna get over him


god please let my cat be ok

released without paneling!

my favorite kind of jury duty
plus there's the sweet free metro
and that juicy six bucks
that comes in the mail
so you have it to savor and look forward to
seriously
I would rather they kept it
 put it to good use
six bucks is not enough to change anyone's life
but hundreds of six bucks add up
anyway
waiting for tea shop to open
celebratory tea


my prayers were answered
I prayed for released without paneling
YAY

it didn't end up so bad

I was able to lift ok
I didn't get comparatively all that much done
but
it wasn't so busy
that I was running around, either
like on the Friday that made me so sick
I have to sleep now
so I can get up super early
to catch the bus to jury duty
sigh
they better not pick me
I can't handle it
but
next week's overnights got pushed to Q2
very excited
[second quarter, at least 3 months]


love you

i still feel so bad

I'm just praying I don't have to lift much
Tuesday I didn't seem to be able to at all
and I was uncertain on my feet
yesterday
I was sitting on the sofa
and I was so exhausted
I fell asleep
sitting up
I don't feel good about today
not at all

ok, i'm about to go to bed

but I just reread that last post
and I'm not sure it made sense
I did not go to work today
but I think I messed myself up
going Thurs and Fri
I got the dr note
on sat
not sure I told you about that
I'm cleared to return to work Tuesday
then I should have wed off still I hope
then I have jury duty Friday
and then the overnight madness begins


love you

i just ordered, and ate, the most food i've eaten in a week

brown rice
broccoli
something called shrimp bun
which I expected to be, like, ya know, dim sum
but which turned out to be like a salad
and soup
I feel a little overwhelmingly full
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday
I had energy to make food
but
Thursday, Friday, Saturday
not so much with the eating
also
I love powdered Gatorade
I love it
lemon-lime salty goodness
I think
I'm almost not dehydrated anymore
I'm not faking
I'm really still sick
probably shouldn't have gone to work
but
you can't just take off work
anyway
I may get some repercussions at work
but
I'm I destroy myself
it's not like they're gonna help me out
and
I think I have to work
possible three overnight periods in march
starting with the first week
sucks to be me


love you

running 102.2 fever

going to the doctor
well, the clinic in the CVS
I'm not sure what they're going to do
but I'm hoping for cough syrup
it doesn't take as much to mess me up
and I'm already coughing so hard my back hurts
I forget how bad flu can be
I was probably working all day yesterday
with 102 fever
that's why it was so hard to function
but I felt like I needed a doctor's note
to not go in today
and i felt like
that was the best plan

i love you

i feel like i might pass out any minute

I'm going to bed
I probably should see a doctor
but they just give you antibiotics
which do more harm than good
unless it's bacterial
I feel really shitty

i didn't go to work today

and i didn't go to the doctor either
I did promise to find a doctor to go to
if I don't feel any better tomorrow
but
I already feel a little better, so
yesterday I slept a lot
today I went back to bed
but got up three hours later
to check in at work
and I felt hella dehydrated
so I'm up and forcing fluids
I greatly increased my milk thistle
well, I say greatly
I normally take one in the morning and one at night, but today
I took two in the morning
two more when I called in at work
two more just now
and, depending on how long I'm up
I'll do that once or twice more
also I'm taking echinacea and golden seal
so I'm covered
whatever this is
that oughta knock I out
if I'd been a little more together yesterday
but whatever
I wish the headache would go away
but
it is better
and I haven't taken anything for it
because it's counter indicated
with other stuff in doing
so I'd rather not
if I can stand it


I'm excited because I'm starting a new anti-inflammatory protocol
bromelain and quercetin
which is nicely multi tasking


love you

i called in sick today

I woke up with a migraine
and my back all seized up
like the kind of body ache you get
with really bad flu
I didn't really need to be there
I am ahead on ordering
and almost out of funds
so I just called in sick
I've been sleeping off and on all day
I still don't feel at all well
not sure what's wrong with me
I'm going back to sleep in a few minutes here
hope you had a great day
if I don't feel better I'm not going tomorrow either
but then I feel like I should go to the doctor
and I'm not doing that
so
whatever
goodnight sweetness

it probably would have been more special

if I had left the house today
but
I don't like to go amongst the humans
if I don't have to
I didn't do laundry
and I didn't make my buffalo cauliflower
because I didn't get hungry again
so
I don't know
I need more face masks
I hope
you're not
angry at me
for what I said earlier
but
it's just true
goodnight sweetness
hope you had a good day

i haven't been getting enough sleep

and I've been falling asleep on the sofa
and then not sleeping well
and
I guess
as a consequence
my pain level is eeking back up
I was going to sleep late
but
when I got up to pee
I almost couldn't stand
which wasn't my legs fault
it was my feet
and
I've had that
off and on
since college
like some kind of planar thing
except
with most people that doesn't go away
but with me it does
anyway
I went back to sleep
and i just got up


wow
happy valentines to me!


I've got stuff I was gonna do
and stuff I need to do
and now I need to add an Epsom salts bath to the list


but
from the extra sleep
the pain level is way down


YAY


I thought about doing this whole
mimosas and fancy breakfast thing
but
probably not, now


I don't know why I'm playing with valentines
this year
I don't usually care
but
this year
it seems fun
and
I've had some trauma
and soul searching
this year already
and I don't know what I really believe
but my life is not the best
and I'm unclear on how to fix it
and
I need extra love right now
so
I'm giving myself valentines
I guess
although
sleeping late
doing laundry
taking a bath
cooking
this is shit I usually do on Sunday


so I'm not sure how I'm moving this to special
but
I AM


I had really weird dreams
that should have been disturbing
I don't think I want to say
out loud
it sounds bad, I think
I don't think it was about you at all
so maybe I can keep the horror story to myself


happy valentines day

no analysis

ok.  so here's what needs to happen:  i need a sign.  not a sign about him.  a sign about me.

i need  a sign that'll make my life make some kind of sense.

i throw two grapefruits and a couple raw food bars in my lunch bag and slam out the back door.  while the car heats up i write you that that's what i'm doing--  asking god for a sign.  the car doesn't like to back up when it's cold, but today isn't too cold.  fingers crossed.

so,to reiterate. god.  i need a sign today that explains my life.  i need it to make sense.  thanks. :)

i back up.  hardly a shutter.  i drive to the end of the row, turn, turn again.  now i'm headed to the exit.  i'm almost there when i get a text.  maybe it's the boss man texting me to say he's late and i will dodge the bullet of being late two days in a row.

i stop.  i dig out the cell from my tiny little purse.  it's kyle, my new wine rep.

"i will be delivering your order today so do not be alarmed when it does not come by regular delivery."

"k"

my car gets three radio stations well:  104 KRBE top 40 hits, Sunny 99.1 and The Bull 100.3.  none of these would beon my short list, but it's a ten to twenty minute drive depending on traffic, and, besides, whatever, i've grown used to them.  i flip trough until i find a song.  Oh no.  not that one.  why can't it be the boat song.  that makes me laugh.  whatever dude, you say that to her now, but are you really gonna feel that way if you never get to do anything except her?  and thirty years she might not look that good in either dress.  but i'm deflecting.  it hits me.  it's too close to my book of symbols.

my pain level was higher today.  maybe because yesterday was the last day of the furniture sale, so i was pulling furniture for people all day yesterday.  the door is unlocked when i check, which is unusual, but which reduces my embarrassment for my lateness, fifteen minutes, which is extremely late for me.  i go clock in seventeen minutes late.


i check the beer wall.  we don't really need anything.  i should get something.  because we'll sell beer over the weekend for the superbowl.  maybe they'll be some new seasonals.  i check the email.  markdowns thursday.  no signage for chocolate beer which might or might not be on sale for the all chocolate is on sale day.  glad i ordered up on that.

"did you see the email from megan about how you were number one"

"are you talking about the case sale thing from the other day?  i saw that.  but i'm only 80 units up on the woodlands, so not that impressive."

"they're beating you in percentage, but you are beating them in sales."

"well yeah.  but not by the kind of numbers it should be.  the heights is definitely hurting my sales.  what i don't get is why they are keeping track of percentages.  why is it better if more of my department sales are case sale sales--  we make less money on them.  is it just to show we're pushing the program?  and, if so, does college station not push the program; i thought they were program pushers from way back but their percentage is only like thirty."

"they aren't old enough."

"to have money to buy a case?"

"to buy alcohol.  they're college kids."

"but then they don't go into the percentage at all, it's case sale total to dept total."

"they don't have our customers, they just have a bunch of people wandering through

"oh, i finished that paperwork."

"what paperwork?"

"the stuff you said i needed to have finished before wednesday when you left town.  you probably saw it was in there, but i wanted to let you know that that's all of it."

"yeah, every once in a while i say something managerial.  tell kevin i said something managerial monday."

we had actually had the conversation on saturday.  i had told him i might not finish it on saturday.  i did, in fact, finish it on saturday.  i had just forgotten to tell him it was all complete when i had seen him on monday.



kyle came with the order.

it had gotten messed up somehow and he didn't want to have it not come again.  so he brought it in his truck.  he's on like his third week.  apparently he loves to come to my store.  from my perspective he comes in, i give him a sheet of paper, maybe he upstocks a little.  i've had almost no interaction with him.  but from his perspective i am one of his few non-diva accounts.  i'm fun.  i spent maybe fifteen or twenty minutes talking to him.  there is no way he's over twenty five.  he told me about his other accounts.  and i said "now that you've made the standards clearer you can expect me to be much higher maintenance in future."  he laughed.

but i've hear this stuff before.  brittany, the one before the one before him--  she quit back in october, maybe--  she was trained in social work, but when she moved here ended up getting a job for republic.  she quit right before the most profitable time of year because they were all just too mean.  "not you,"  she said  "you're great, but a lot of them are just really really mean."


and then it was just one beer rep after another.

usually i text em, "anything new?"  they tell me, i text em the order.  i got in that habit because i didn't have time to deal with em.  and the orders weren't all that big.  and blah blah.

but they all came in today, and none of them had anything new or impressive to tell me, but it took a lot of time. by the time i was through i was almost two hours late for my lunch.

i was hungry.

i sat down.  i started eating my grapefruits and playing with my phone.  a few minutes later they are paging me to the wine dept.  i am eating my lunch.  i do not go.  then sergio comes to tell me there is someone in my dept.  "i'm eating lunch,"  i say.

"it's a rep from southern star,"  he says.

"well, send him back here,"  i say.

a few minutes later denis comes back to tell me there is someone in my dept.

"it's a gentleman from southern star, and he would just really ,like to meet you."

"well, i'm eating my lunch.  he can come back here where i am to meet me, or he can wait ten minutes and i'll come out there to meet him--  his choice."

denis is a new supervisor, and he gave me a look, like it maybe wasn't appropriate to behave in the way i was behaving.  but here's the thing.  i don't order from them.  i don't work for them.  these are company reps who at best will tell you what their new products are, or offer to do a tasting for you.  at worst they will act like you work for them and start a big debate about how much product you do or do not have, where it is, how old it is, etc.  the law says i get an uninterrupted thirty minute lunch.  that rarely happens, but i'll be damned if i'm missing my lunch for whoever this guy turns out to be.

he doesn't come back.  when i go out, in exactly ten minutes, he's long gone.



so i'm working on stuff.  and i go to the front of the store, i can't remember why., but no sooner do i get there than i hear this voice,  "excuse me, we need help."

it is a blind couple with large labradore service animals.  "of course, how can i help you?  is there something i can help you find?"

"i want to buy a candle for my mother."

i took him to candles, picked out scents close to what he was describing for him to smell.  that was pretty easy.  then he wanted a "plate" for the candle.  luckily we only had two.

"this one," i handed it to him "is a small mosaic of mirror, does that make sense?"

"yes i remember mosaic, i know what that means."

"it is only a little bigger than the candle base, but there is enough room to catch drips, if there are any, but this type of candle tends not to drip.  it is $2.99.  this one," i again hand it to him, "is bigger, it has a coppery finish with a green patina, it has a design etched into it, it looks kind of aztec.  it's $6.99.  it's pretty.  the other one is pretty too;  it's simpler."

he chose the lavender candle and mirrored mosaic "plate"

"ok.  what else can i help you find?"

"last time i was here, you had some paperweights with animals in them."

"oooo i'm not sure if we still have those.  let me find out."

i go ask michelle, who just came back from mardi gras and seems like she had a good time, if she knows anything about paperweights.  she takes me to a stack of five.  all of them are scotty dogs.

"we have this one kind left," i tell him "they are all scotty dogs."

"oh, i wanted a labrador."

then, we look at bells.  lunch bags.  the entire contents of the home office dept.  this is where i found more paperweights, including one with a labrador puppy which was half price.

we did a sketchy run through the gourmet dept.  looked for soda made with cane sugar.  ended up with coconut water.

we looked at all the toys.

we looked at tea kettles.

we looked at bath accessories.

we finished up with more candles.

well, so far

my boss told me
I am the only employee he has
that is irreplaceable
which is nice, I guess
but
I'm not sure
what it says about my life

today

I am asking god
for a sign
that makes sense of my life
which feels to me, right now, as though
it doesn't make much sense
I will write you something tonight
based on what happens


I love you
I hope you have a beautiful day

legs

when I was in college
there was a stage I went through
that I think of as my exercise addiction stage
and
at that point
I marveled at the way my legs seemed
springy
like
rather than impacting the cement
I seemed to bounce
like tigger or some shit


but
the last few days
I am having a concomitant experience


I'm not springy
but my legs
they feel like normal legs
not like some heavy shit I gotta drag around


I feel
physically
like
almost


no don't jinx it


good


like
maybe
I might pirouette through the store


I'm not sure why
maybe it just reached a tipping point
I've been getting better


so
cool

weird dreams

I dreamed about this room
I can't remember all the context
but
they took me to this room
which was bliss, or whatever
there was a guy there
plugged in
so to me it just looked like coma
but
that's what he wanted, supposedly
then, somebody with me
again, I don't remember who or why
or who they were to me
just the action of it
drank a bunch of swigs of this
like juice or something
and just winked out of existence
supposedly, he became part of the room
so
since it was bliss
is supposed to be like
dying and going to heaven


the room just didn't seem that damn good


lot of pattern and texture, though


there were more dreams
I was a police officer
I had to go to a party
where something had happened
I knew the people
and I didn't want to go


driving winding roads at night


then before I woke up
I was failing to sell people coffee beans
couldn't help them
partially because they were the kind of customer who will not be made happy
and partly
because I didn't seem to have any idea what we had-- stockwise
what is your most recent blend
I didn't know


then
we were closing
but then it was a house
and the bedroom didn't get cleaned properly
the wrapper was still on the spray cleaner
I'm opening them
collecting litter
preparing to clean


the dream is telling me
or the meta dream
a new way to sign my name
where the last letter becomes a 7
is more powerful
will bring me luck

it's one week til my birthday

and you'd think
maybe
I'd be unhappy about it
but
I'm not
I'm excited
which makes no sense
nobody is throwing me a big party
and I have to work
but
I still think
wow, it's my birthday,  cool
hopefully I'll do something fun
probably should start workin that out now
but
there's always birthday cake
which is awesome
and for some reason
49 seems cool again
which hasn't happened since 41 or 42
I think
whatever
I'm falling apart
and aging
but
maybe I'll get a penata or play pin the tail on the donkey like when I was a kid
who can say
I can't
it's a very real possibility

next week is a promo reset so weird hours again

don't freak out
I don't know when the internet will be fixed
I will be getting up in the middle of the night
and going to be in the afternoon
I might be grumpy
plus
I have to go to dinner with my mom
on Thurs or Fri
after I'm done
but
you are not the source of the grumpy
even if I get grumpy
which
ya know
I might not
it went pretty good last time
so we'll see
should have gotten up early today
but decided to sleep late instead
yesterday
I went to tjmaxx and they had "free people" there, which I was inclined to just pass by as a trendy brand, but
they looked so slouchy bohemian
I had to try them on
and I found one shirt I liked
I bought two
they are navy blue
same shirt I mean, just quantity two
I do that when I find a shirt I really like
it's part of how I wear the same stuff for years and years
well, and I wash everything on delicate

i love you

I'm a little worried about you
but
I'm not sure why
hopefully everything is ok
and
you had a great new year

super tired

took a half a melatonin
goin to sleep
love you
have a good night sweetheart

i love you once, i love you twice, i love you more than beans and rice

my phone says
day after thanksgiving
all day
for some reason
I think this is very funny
but
it's probably not really
all that funny
but
I'm taking my laughs where I can get em
today, at least

Gratefullness

i didn't grow up with a tradition of gratefullness

by which i mean

we didn't sit around the table on Thanksgiving

each declaring to the other

for X i am grateful

for Y i am grateful

it was food

and football

and family fighting, generally

sometimes followed

by poker

[five card draw, mostly, sometimes blackjack]

or monopoly

[i like to be the thimble]

[my father always cheated]

and

maybe it's too late to start with the gratefullness

i don't know

maybe start small

today

today i like coffee
and eye balm
and mood altering lipgloss
and supplements that keep me functioning

[reasonably pain free]

hot dang o.g. veggie burgers

[which i'm having for thanksgiving dinner]

smoked cheese

[ditto]

technology

and

you

fell asleep on the sofa

gonna go ahead and get up fairly early
because I have to got to work at 5am on Friday
(but then I get off at 2 or 3, hopefully)
I meant to write you something
I love you
so much
sleep tight baby

omg omg omg

Damien is gonna make me a wig
I have been wanting
don't laugh
pink dredlocks
for, like, years
but
I'm not even gonna try to do that to my hair
but
he knows how to make wigs
I'm very very excited
I'm not sure how fast all this I gonna happen
but
I think YouTube girl
is gonna have a persona
I don't feel represented, somehow
don't freak out

i'm likely to have a very stressful day today, but

I'm thinking of you
and
I wish you a beautiful day
I'll try to do something for you
tonight
but
I'm not sure what I'm gonna have left
so
no promises
but
virtual warm snuggles
and big mugs of coffee

i had crazy dreams last night

I wanted to tell you about them
but
I can't really remember
it's been rough at work
I worked 7am to 8pm
came home, ate, fell asleep on the sofa
I know the dream had Beaujolais Nouveau
that's work related
and some girl I was making friends with
every time we found out something about each other, it was the same
but
there was a bunch more stuff
I think, physically
I'm holding up pretty good
I have been reducing supplements
and now I hardly take any (comparatively)
biotin, vitamin e
boswellia, horse chestnut, msm
cordyceps, sometimes cayenne
nattokinase
but smaller quantities
or less frequently
except the nattokinase
that's two every night
because it seems to work better at that dose
to keep the tight ouchies outta my veins


please be careful
I love you

i need something

it might be a drink, nah
it might be drugs, nah
it might be homicide, hmmmmm
but I don't want to go to prison
I am having a super
extinction event
day
already
and I'm supposed to go to dinner
with my mom
right after work
aaaaakkkkk

i've been thinkin about you baby

makin love
in some kinda tempest
everything whippin all around us
or
inside a giant clam
at the bottom of the ocean
except
the texture of the clam
it's not all cold and slimy
it feels like a tongue


I got
all kinds of crazy thoughts
and
all kinds of want you badness

i love you. happy day to you

today has been seriously whack!

i'm doing a promo reset this week

so
it's gonna be all jacked up hours
and then
maybe some next week too
because god knows when the new fixturing
will get here
and
mandatory meeting
crack of dawn Sunday
and blah blah
happy holidaze


I love you baby

i dreamed i was back in colledge

I had missed the beginning of the semester
due to health issues, I think
so I was going to classes
to see if I was still enrolled
and whatnot
I went to this one class
and I guy I used to work with
who is not someone I'd want to be in a class with was there
the professor asked if I had any questions
and this guy says:
tell her about connectivity
so
he starts talking
and drawing on the board frenetically
about the energetic connections
between seemingly unrelated things
but after he spend the whole class on that
he says that the class isn't about that
so I still don't know whether to drop the class or not

and mouse ran along-side

it's been a long time since i've seen you in my dreams--  but i did last night.

we were driving across country in a van with two women i don't know--  i'm not sure whether i knew them in the dream.  we were talking.  i was explaining to you that i'm having a hard time believing that we will ever be together, and that without that belief i degenerate.

i explain to you all the reasons that, logically, it shouldn't really matter.  we love each other.  there is no guarantee that we will be happier all cheek and jowl than we are at a distance.  i don't know how happy she makes you, maybe you need her.  maybe you wouldn't be as happy with me, and you would come to resent me.

--  i've been thinking about this stuff like a constant loop in my head, unless i'm actively distracting myself from it--  it's one of the wonders of depression [which is why i think that that's what's going on]--  plus, i don't want to cause the kid any pain, or damage your relationship with her, and i can't help but think of all the ways that things could go bad on that front [although, california state law does somewhat limit how bad it could go with the kid--  but then it also ratchets up how expensive it could get with the other part of the equation], and, i guess when all is said and done....

so, anyway, trouble believing is a problem.

you are driving me to work.  that's weird.  and i'm not going to my regular job.  in the dream i work for a clothing store--  which i haven't done since i was seventeen.  [then i worked for miller's outpost for about three months.  i folded the jeans the right way once and ended up having to do it everyday all day until i was allergic to denim.  i really hated it.  it was stupid and boring and i said i wasn't ever going to do that again, and i haven't;  although, if you have the right, clothing sales job you can make hella dough;  i used to have a customer/friend who won a lamborghini selling clothes in the "women's" {as opposed to like junior's which is smaller sizes} department in saks.  that was not salary, that was perks, the lamborghini.

so, anyway, you were driving me to work.

i was not working in my usual location, they were sending me to another store for the day, and i wasn't really sure where that store actually was.  so i was stressed about the time and the place and us and really every aspect of the time space continuum, really.

and i was telling you that it didn't even need to be true--  i just needed to be able to believe in it.  because i could not continue to exist without the belief in us.

i'm sure you were talking to me, but i don't remember anything you said.  that's weird too, huh.

anyway, at some point there was traffic;  we were crawling along at a snail's pace.

that is when i noticed mouse.

mouse was running along the side of the highway dragging an electrical plug in his mouth.

back story

http://katzcoffee.com/proddetail.php?prod=CRBJMORG%2FFT


I saw this in the grocery store the other day
I read the blurb on the back
and it made me cry


I'm gonna try to find the story now
hold on


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8P71bF4nRDM


this is pretty much the story
and this made me cry again
but I might be able to find
another version you could
just read quickly
hang on


http://www.katinkahesselink.net/other/mouse1.html

i feel you today too

I love you baby

today, i swear to god

I can feel your lips on me
languidly kissing
my neck
my shoulders
my breasts


it's a little unsettling


but
I don't want it to stop


the tarot
this morning
said you were thinking good stuff about me
I figured you'd be
I don't know
miffed


but
I guess not

holiday theory

driving to work
i heard adele
now, i've got nothing against adele
but
i always feel like she was
according to the industry
supposed to fill the slot left by amy winehouse
and, for me at least
adele is no amy winehouse

so then
i really really wanted to hear amy winehouse
here, see what i mean:

this was the first song that came up on my phone
youtube amy winehouse
and it illustrates my point, i think
but it's not just
not the bad girl good girl thing
not that

adele sounds like she is giving it all she's got
and doing a creditable job
of mainstreamish good

amy sounds like she is giving it
nothing
no effort
she can do it shit faced for god sake
and there's that kernal of stylistic genius

now, i mean, i'm not saying she isn't giving any effort
i'm saying it seems effortless


i woke up with a headache
and i really didn't want to go to work
and i really didn't work that hard today

but
amy got me off on the right foot i guess

and
they were setting christmas
and that always pisses me off
can't we get through fucking halloween, even
but
there's this buddha ornament
in a pink robe
with butterflies
and suddenly
i wanted a pink christmas

now
we did the tree
and the presents
we just didn't do santa, or jesus, ya know
when i was a kid
but
i haven't
since i've been grown
it has seemed stupid, at best
but

when i was a kid in the 70s
maybe you remember
they had those flocked trees
in crazy colors
and every year i would peek into that special tent
and be like
let's get a pink one
let's get a purple one
let's get a black one
and nobody was ever having any of it

it was gonna be a plain ole tree that would sit in the window
and look just like everybody else's tree
plus those were way more expensive

and
before i got all into you
and found it meaningful to try to connect to judaism
my previous plan had been
if i have kids
i'm gonna pick one holiday from every major culture
that i can relate to
and celebrate that calendar
so that
the kid will have a generalized multicultural understanding
and the best cherry picked holidays
and
whoever they meet
they got one holiday in common
see good, right
except they overlap sometimes
and
it could get a little disjointed

and the idea
id to use the holidays
to achieve human actualization goals
i like the whole concept of passover as
i was a slave
what am i enslaved to
what am i being set free from
where is the promised land i'm headed for

i think the concept behind lent is really good
in that you are giving up something
that you decide is bad for you
purifying yourself by abstaining for 40 days
but
i'm uncomfortable with
whatever jesus has to do with that
i think it's some significant thing
i just don't know

ramadan is fasting
which isn't quite what i'm going for

and sun dance is too intense
couldn't translate to childhood experience

maybe there is something
something buddhist, maybe
but that would be all the time
and my whole theory
is
varry the focus
hit something important with each holiday
so
by the time they're grown
they have all the actualization tools just built into the calendar, ya know
but
fun
and, like effortless

i really like the idea of carnival or mardi gras
paired with lent
but
doesn't that seasonally overlap with passover
i think it does

well, this year for example
lent would have ended april 2
and then passover started april 2 or 3
i don't think that works

i can't find a muslim holiday that works for me
so, in practice i'm not sure it works at all
plus then
you don't get the flow of the seasons and such

i don't know why i have to figure this out right now
probably because i'm writing you something

but
i have to go to sleep

i've been having very active and strange dreams
but i haven't been able to remember them

goodnight sweetheart
 i'm not sure how coherent this was

it's the weirdest thing

we're putting out Christmas ornaments
which normally puts me in a grouchy state
but
I'm having this weird desire
to buy a pink Christmas tree
and decorate it really wildly
completely non christmassy


I'm dreaming of a pink Christmas?
and I'm in a really good mood
but I have a terrible headache
it makes no sense

i'm working on something

again, just in my head
I've been feeling you today
and I feel like writing you something
but I'm at work
so not too soon

las vegas

all day on youtube it's been popping up ads for the bellagio
now, at first, i thought that might be because i looked up something
about the too faced vegas nay star dust palette
which, by the way, may be the greatest thing since sliced bread and all
but i don't want it
don't like it
but
everyone else loves it so i was trying to figure out why i don't

not that i think i should like it, just because everyone else does
don't get me wrong
and it has two colors i absolutely love
it's just the rest, not so much

anyway
if that was why bellagio was popping up
i would think they might have branched out to other vegas establishments
it seems like other places would be paying for ads

and then i thought
what the hell, maybe i'm supposed to write something about it

i've been to vegas exactly once
it was a work trip that was morphed into a small vacation
and the trip was kind of momentous
i drove with the computer equipment in the trunk of the really nice rented G6
i had planned to stop in sedona on the way
i had a lot more interest in sedona than in vegas, to be honest
but
i hit bad weather
there was a blizzard blowing in
and as i wound around the mountains in sedona
the dash board flashed low traction at me
and i thought i might just slide off the side of the mountain
could have happened
i made it to flagstaff for the night
and i wrote to you
you might remember

the next day
i dug the car out
found the one highway that was actually open
and continued
because it couldn't happen without the computer equipment, which i had
that was the scariest driving experience i've ever had
it had been plowed
at some point
but
it was icy
and choppy
and uneven

and while sliding off the side of the mountain
had had a certain poetry to it
this was just stressful and all kinds of coulda ended badly

until it warmed up somewhere around the nevada border
and then it was nice easy highway
the hoover dam was
well, it was impressive
i expected it to be ugly
and i'm not, at least theoretically, a fan of damming rivers
but
it felt like a huge energy generator
which is, i guess, exactly what it was
i drove into town right at sunset
there was some giant billboard set against the smear of fiery light
i can't remember what it said now
but at that moment
it seemed like a message from god
and i said to myself, i like this place

then
i got down to the strip
it was all lit up in the dark
and i thought
this doesn't look right
i guess it's pretty
but it's all wrong

i was staying in paris
i thought that would be
well, shit, i probably thought it would be a place i could wander around and think of you
which it sort of was, but i didn't really like it
the job i had to do was at the wynn
and when we had to go take the euipment and find the ballroom where we'd be
that was when i found king baby and wanted to buy you things
in my mind, that's the kinda stuff you need, i guess
i wanna deck you out with t-shirts and leather and skull jewelry
i don't think i bought anything in vegas
maybe i did
i can't remember for sure
but i don't think so

i went in a really nice sephora, nothing
all the shops in paris, nada
i don't like to gamble
so i didn't do that either
i think i bought some drinks, well, i for sure did that
i may have eaten at the paris buffet three times
and it was good, really good
i wandered through all the shops in the venitian or whatever it's called
and i really meant to ride the gondola
but it was all so so very FAKE
i didn't enjoy any of it
well
not completely true

i could see the fountains of the bellagio from my window in paris
i like that
i'm pretty sure that's right
it occurs to me now
i may have just watched videos about it
and i'm not 100% sure
i know i didn't make it into the bellagio to see the chihuy installation
even though that would have been something i would have wanted to do
because
i didn't want to be on the strip for one second more
no matter what that meant i missed
i hated vegas
i never plan to go back

when i was leaving
i had to stop to buy pepto
because my stomach was so upset
i was afraid i might shit myself on the road
and
as soon as i left the tourist vegas area
and entered the real vegas where people live
i started getting that feeling that i liked the place again


when i was, i don't know nine, ten, something like that
my mom took me to disney world
i didn't like that either
it was hot
you had to wait in line
and
it wasn't worth it in the end
it wasn't fun

now i grew up going to astroworld
which i did think was fun
we had to wait in lines
it was hot
and i would cry at the end of the day when we had to leave
so i can't really explain

my mom liked it ok
she had been kinda mad at me for the freedom train i think
where we had waited in line for hours
to see the coolest thing ever
that she thought was kinda boring i think
and it didn't last very long
and it was kinda cold for that line
which, let's be real, just could not have been that cold

goodnight sweetheart, i love you

moonlight

i hold you hand as we stare up into the night sky
i haven't quite put the words to it, i say
i'm trying, but there seems to be this sticky silken web or net or something
that keeps the right image just beyond reach
it'll come to you, you say, and you put your arm around me

the air is this strange amalgamation of hot and chill
that doesn't make any sense
but
i'm not really used to sensible weather
i huddle close to you
i feel your body heat
a fireside inside somewhere
calls me
i want to crawl inside of you
lounge on your bear skin rug
i stare up into your eyes
and i swear i see a flickering

now i realize i have not been speaking
it didn't seem to bother you, but
how was your day, i ask

it was good, can't complain, but
i thought about you and me and this
all day

i sigh, but in a happy way
and reach my arms up behind your head
pulling myself up
or you down
or possibly both, i'm not sure
i only want our lips to meet

then your arms are wrapped around me
touching the bare skin of my back
and it's like i'm burning slightly

our tongues are touching
it's so
wonderful
whoever thought up tongue kissing
they should get some kind of award
i push myself against you
hoping that i'm aiming
and without too much pressure
you moan slightly
my head swims
i may pass out

bed, you whisper
in this strange tone
like maybe you're asking
if that's ok location-wise
maybe i'd prefer the kitchen table
or bent over the bathroom sink

bed.  yes.  comfortable.  now, please

you smile
you're so beautiful
you take my hand and lead me there
like some kind of fairy tale

i took double the maca today

trying to amp it up a little
I don't want to be boring
I feel boring
anxiety is great, huh


I think I feel you
might be the maca
not sure


I'll try to write you something
later


I love you

hi

i'm sorry i haven't been much fun

I don't think I mentioned
my knee was involved as well
but
I'm like 80% back to my
75% back to normal
that I was before
or there abouts
the maca isn't doing anything at all anymore
so
between those things
I don't think
I've been
too much fun
and
I'm sorry about that
also
I feel some anxiety, generally
so
I guess that's gonna be what I get this month
for happy happy blood time
which I coming
in about a week
so
joy
I've had crazy crazy dreams, though
I wish I was having romantic dreams
I'm doing what I can

i fell yesterday at work

and I was really worried
that I might have damaged myself
somehow
but
I'm happy to report today
that I seem fine
just a little sore
I kinda tried to catch myself
which is bad and i know better
so I impacted my left hand
and I was worried it was sprained at first
but it's ok
I was clumsy as a small child
so I learned to fall well
but I was pretty preoccupied yesterday

i love you

I hope you're happy and healthy
and doing ok

are you imagining things

I feel like you are

today, today i wish

we could stay in bed all day
sleep
and
play
not worry about anything
just do
whatever the spirit moved us


I want to feed you
fruit, specifically
I want to rub mango on your nipples
and lick it off
maybe, I want to have whatever the sexy version of a food fight would be
I want to be sticky with fruit juices
so when we contact we stick
all the different sensations
opposite of slip and slide
then
sugar scrubs
we probably have to leave the bed and go to the bathroom for that
something that smells really good
so it's like all over body massage
but also exfoliation
so our skin will be extra sensitive
for whatever's next
we wash it off in the shower
if you're into that, you could wash my hair
and showers are nice
I don't think I've done that
taken a shower together
for like 15years, at least
the water and your hands
I could do any number of fun things to you
depending on what you like
in the shower


this is fun

growling, oh the snarl

you
come up behind me
your arms wrap around me
you squeeze
a little too tight
your hands clutch my breast
tight and hard with a slight kneading as
you bite my shoulder, my neck
you growl
low
a feeding beast
and i moan
wet from the sound of you
the touch of you
your hungry mouth

you bite my fiery wing
you pull them back
pinning me

then you enter
biting down on my shoulder
squeezing harder on my breast
growling

and i scream

it hurts
but it doesn't hurt
you are in control
but you are completely out of control
and i am not afraid

i am

consumed

i'm going to bed soon

I'm going to imagine
and
ya know, it's kinda funny
because I go back and forth
sometimes I'm wildly fixated on sex
sex with you
and/or imagining specific things
but then
other times I think things like
I don't even care about that
I just want to hug him
or kiss him
or cuddle with him
like it's very specifically not sexual
but
mostly
there's some kind of flow between the two
and I guess that's normal


concomitantly
I have this fear
that either you only
see me as whatever
or
you only love my mind
and
I have to talk myself down, sometimes
from either position
and
I guess that's normal-ish
given my circumstances
I want you to want me
which is unusual
but
I don't want to be whatever


I'm not sure this is making any sense


I've already fallen asleep on the sofa


I want everything from light frothy sweetness
to really kinda hard core sweaty stuff
but
I don't want the indelicate stuff
to make you think less of me
I'm not sure why it would
but
I seem to worry about it
it's weird


but
I'm going to fall asleep
after
thinking of you and touching myself
I want you bad
but
I want the non-sexual stuff
with the same sort of longing
there
maybe that explained
some of the crazy

i love you

I am feeling
this like overwhelming swell
of affection this morning
I wish
I could like lounge around with you
I'm not feeling particularly frisky
but
I just imagine
a sun-filled bedroom
and a really comfortable bed
and maybe some tunes
maybe later we'll walk to the park
or go to the museum
but right now
it's just us
together

i missed a jim jarmusch film

that, in and of itself
not so bad
but
it's vampire themed
maybe you saw it
only lovers left alive
I saw a clip
on black phoenix alchemy lab
where I haven't been for
clearly
years
anyway
seemed like somethin
we woulda seen
so I'll try to get my hands on it
soon as i can


I love you
I miss you baby
you rock my world
not even jokin

i did somdthing crazy

I subscribed to ipsy
normally I don't believe in that kind of thing
but it's only $10 a month
and I'm hoping I'll get wild stuff
for preferences
I put:
hip and edgy
club goer
vintage style
world cultures
so, we'll see
I wont get anything until October
which is kinda a bummer
but
I'm gonna be purdy

i love you

that's it
that's all I want to say
right now

the scene

it's dark
it's a club
normally I wouldn't like that
all the people
but
tonight
I do
people are wearing white
not me, you understand, but others
and the lights are reflecting colors
as they flash by
it's crowded
anonymous
let's say
we've taken x
so my joints are springy
and I want to dance
colors are bright bright bright
even though it's dark
and I want to know you
from the depth of every pore


in this world
we aren't afraid to be seen
but
the energy in the room
intensifies things like an orgone generator
I run my hands over you
unabashed
you look at me the way you used to
before you were afraid
it's too noisy
we can't talk
but
we can't keep our hands off each other
and
maybe we've had a few jello shots as well
because
in addition to the x
I feel that alcoholic edge of
oh god, I'm not even sure what I might do
will tonight be the night I have sex
in a public bathroom
I find that mildly revolting
in a germy kind of way
but
it might just be necessary
because
dear lord
I think I need you in me NOW


you know somebody, though
and there's this room

i just got up

I woke up around 7:30 or 8
but I went back to sleep
I guess I was really tired
that's a lot of sleeping


I was dreaming
I was a DJ or something
some sort of underworld party queen
it was a roaming party
for secret agents
and arms dealers
and i don't know what all
but somehow
it was about mushrooms


I've been taking cordyceps mushrooms
for a while now
and they have made a huge difference
in my energy level
how I feel
but
so much so
that I'm trying to decide
what is the next mushroom supplement
reishi, chaga, or something less obvious


I think
that's where that part of the dream comes from


I love you
I hope you slept well

i fell asleep on the sofa

and I'm a little muddled
I don't think I can write something
which I had meant to do
I had a tiring day
my fantasy tonight
would revolve around massage
but I had meant to make it sexy
even though I'm tired
I wish I was touching you right now
but
I'm not getting poetry
I'm getting desire for hot tub
maybe we're in a cabin in the mountains
 I'm sorry
I'm fighting sleep to write this


sleep with me
wake up with me
let's have breakfast in bed

tonight let's

lie in the dunes
and stare up at the milky way
the power of the silent empty ocean
crushing us into it's sandy bed
I love you, I say
and you squeeze my hand
because the bird flew away with your tongue
I hope he brings it back
because I want to kiss you
but
in the mean time
I press my forehead to yours
in the rapture of psychedelic union
I love you, you thrust
as I bite your lips, gently
you kiss my salty tears
wept for your tongue
you thrust emphatically
no, I don't need to say anything
you know, you know
love you
love you
until my eyes roll back in my head
I scream
I writhe
I pray to the great feathered one
you release in contorted facial splendor
and with such force
that I can feel the tide come in
I lick your face
and lie back
into the bed of stardust

please dream with me tonight

I want to
sway
your arms around me
I want to kiss you full on the mouth
taste your honeyed mouth
as you whisper
words of love
I want to feel your body
your heat
move through me
like a runaway train
make me scream your name
I dare you
make me believe in magic

desire

you know
it's really weird
I think I must be feeling better
because
it's like a constant craving
and i thought that had waned
with the whole ridiculous celebacy thing
I don't really know what I believe
but
there's still a hungry creature inside me
resurrecting for Halloween
it's really romantic and all
but
it's super inconvienient

thank you

for
starting
and stopping
and, theoretically
starting again later
I mean, damn

are you doing something?

because
either you are or there is something wrong with me
I swear to god
I can't work like this
I'm about to have to stand
in one spot for three hours and talk to people
and
I'm having
full body
electric
somethin
for the love of god
stop until five
or
I may lose my mind


I want you
so bad
right now
I'm almost unable to function

i love you sweetheart

I'm cycling back
I'm gonna try to get up extra early
the next couple days
because I've got one of those promo change
weeks next week
but I switched some stuff already
so, maybe
maybe it won't go so rough


I've been toying with the idea
of doing another BRIEF bout of gotu kola
but not right this minute
I'm doing really well
but
I can't really tell that the ho shou wu did anything
or the pine bark extract
the noni seems good
but
turns out to be an abortificant
so
probably won't be on the list
so
I think the boswellia works
horse chestnut, definitely
cayenne
but
I can't find anything else
that repairs tissue
and build collagen like the gotu kola
and i still have a little scar tissue on the outside
I'm sure I'm not fixed on the inside either
but
I don't want to be psychotic
so
I'm gonna keep looking
I really don't know why it had that effect
on me
nowhere does it list
mood swings as a side effect


anyway
I'll warn you if I do
and I'll do radio silence
if necessary


I wish
I could hug you
and kiss you
and stuff


I got a real estate book
before I spent money on course work
and
it's really not that interesting
so
I'm not really any further along
with the financing
I am healthier though, I think
so that's something
I wish
I wish
if wishes were fishes
one fish, two fish
goldfish
ish

so, i wonder

what you think
I don't know
when I change
from waiting for you mode
to full tilt mode
because
if
you
think there won't be any change
I think
you're wrong

real quick

I said I don't give a shit about this job anymore
and that's true
but
I don't want to go into the whole devolution
the big thing
they clamped down
so
I was priding myself on having the best beer selection in town
well, not any more
I can only order approved products
I've got like
less than half
and blah blah whatever
but
see
I don't really care about what I make
money wise
I have to be the best
and
they won't let me


but
the weird thing is
the whole store is down 7%
because driving sales is not the focus
following the rules is the focus


and this new manager
he wanted to promote me
but I don't want to be promoted there
supervisor is a shitty job
the only reason to be supervisor
is to try to be manager
and I have over 10 years of management experience
if I want to be manager
I'd get there faster by applying somewhere else for a manager position


this is not my first rodeo


he also wanted me to be supervisor
so he could make me keep doing my current job, plus that job, for, if I'm lucky, a couple more dollars an hour


this is not my first rodeo


when I had my review
he went on and on about how great I was
when I asked about my developmental areas
he gave me a flippant answer about
hairstyle or something
clearly not taking me serious
like
seriously, you have no developmental areas
then
I get a meets expectations
and I'm like
I'm sorry NO
because I have always gotten exceeds
and he just told me I can't improve, right


and he says
well, that still represents a pay increase


seriously
he thinks I'm gonna just be happy to get
like the lowest pay increase possible
I'm like no
that rating is not consistent with the review I just received
do you seriously think that's what I deserve?


so he goes back and adjusts it
we only get raises once a year
and my big increase is now .40


whatever
anyway, I'm getting out of order
i just recently discovered the store was down 7%, because i don't care about the store
i only care about my dept
and i really don't care about that
but my not caring
is still more
ya know
and
i was sure I'd be losing sales
hand over fist
and i was budgeted to be down 3%
but
now I'm up almost 5%
and this was the hard part of the year


I'm ranking 30 out of like 240 in the company
which is roughly the same as last year
i lead our district
though our district manager still can't remember my name
and he was throwing it up to me
when new guy took over
that the south Dakota stir was doing almost as much as me
with less inventory
and I'm like yeah, but do they have 15 competitors within a stones throw of them
I'm trying to lure people in with having better selection
you have too much beer
he says
so
still
with nothing
I'm 30 and they're 38
they are $8,000 behind me
same as last year
but the store's down 7%
and I'm not really trying
and it hit me
something i already knew


i really pour myself into whatever i do
and i can't really not be successful at it


and it's just a shame
that I'm wasting myself
on these ungrateful bastards


and i started praying really hard
to know what to do next
I'm willing to make money, i said
I'm open to it
i want to profit from hard work
because
clearly I'm incapable of not
i tried
and i just worked smarter
got better
made them more money


anyway
so
real estate
I'm reading books
it looks like you can do the classes on line
it's 180 hours
but I'm unclear if that's like
it will take 180 hour
or if it's credit hours
but
it needs to be
the shortest amount of time possible
I'm not doing this bullshit any more
dragonfly said 2years and it's been
almost 2 years
and life starts now
whatever
no more fucking around