nite chat: 4:25

ok
first let me say
the music got a little somber
but
the criteria was good not a specific topic
so i hope that didn't freak you out

second i think one of the spirit guides
has got to be joan of arc and then there's got to be
another woman
although
maybe i'm over reaching here
but i really want to have this whole conversation
about female masculinity and trans
and the lines and gray areas
that probably shouldn't go in this story, huh
idk
i don't want it to be all male
but
it is having a kinda bruh vibe
i thought that might kick it up
but i don't want to ratio my characters

but
i don't think that spirit guides are necessarily
all gonna be halos, ya know
and i'm trying to pick my group
and what i've learned from all these
pick your table things that people have been doing
during quarantine on social media
is
for example
pick your passover table
there's one that has gal gadot and natalie portman
and i'm like i greatly respect them
and they are so so attractive
and then i see natasha lyonne at another table
i don't know who the other people are
and i'm like
no
that one
because she is funny
and crazy
and also an actress i admire
since but i'm a cheerleader
so
i'm not picking the popular kids
not for my spirit guides either
they gotta be kinda whack
not sure who clyde is gonna be
but pretty sure clyde was a beatnik name for a square
so he's the bottom of the pecking order for the group


i'm not sure what my last meal would be
i have a lot of things that send me over the edge
maybe
stuffed baked chicken
with mashed potatoes and gravy and
oh god, what vegetable
when i was in des moins
at the farmers market
i had my favorite vegetable experience
they had fresh grilled asparagus
like buttered and salted and grilled
now i liked asparagus even when i was a kid
and very very occasionally had canned asparagus
and i've had it cooked a bunch of slightly different ways
over the years
but
seriously
that asparagus was so good
i literally thought
i could go right now
i'm never going to taste anything better than that
i think it was maybe picked that day
and i think
with food
that makes the difference
but it was fucking well cooked too

i've also had that experience with sashimi
escolar specifically
i've had escolar that was so fresh tasting
with such a beautiful texture
that it had the satisfaction level
of eating steak

but
aged smoked english cheddar
and
recently
i've been remembering
my mom and i used to go to
one of the artists who was in her gallery
she didn't have a lot of money
but she wanted to do a big spread
and she would save up her bacon grease
and she would fry liver and onions
and make biscuits
this was like when i was 11
and although i've had liver and onions
[i mean not for probably 15 years]
i don't think i ever had better than hers

but
i mean
if i'm dying anyway
maybe a new york strip with a baked potato
and a munch of sauted mushrooms
maybe some peas

or
what i seem to be craving
mexican food
although maybe it would have to be some mixture
of new mexico and tex-mex
new mexico mexican food is actually better
but i was raised on tex-mex so it has comfort food qualities

did i ever tell you
i went to a tex-mex restaurant in cedar rapids
i was dubious
but the pictures in the menu looked right
and i ordered like the classic tex=mex
cheese enchiladas with that chili gravy and the chopped raw onions
i mean that stuff is like home on a plate
i was so excited
and then i tasted it
and
no spice had ever walked past it at all
it was just sad-wrong

and
tonight
if i was having my last meal tonight
it would be fried chicken
macaroni and cheese
collard greens
and
banana pudding
[which i'm not usually that big a fan of
but sometimes i want]

oh
and tomato and cucumber salad
with the fried chicken and macaroni cheese and collard greens
but maybe peach cobbler too
but
not ice cream
that's too much with cobbler
i could do a lemon sorbet

i'm weird
i love chocolate
i do
but not chocolate cake
it's too much
i don't enjoy it, too rich
if i get a birthday cake
not chocolate
not chocolate icing
buttercream icing

i love ice cream
but not a la mode, too much
not with cake or brownie or cookie or any of that shit
i don't even like sundaes
and
although i like chocolate ice cream ok
i like coffee better

i like carrot cake
do you know that shit has more calories than chocolate cake
no joke, very unfair
there's a restaurant my mom and i like to go to
we haven't been in a while
january
they started putting the calories on the fuckin menu
what kinda shit is that
ok
fine
i'll have a baby kale salad
and grilled asparagus
which is like almost no calories, right
so i thought
well maybe i can get the healthy carrot cake
no
it's fucking 1200 calories
almost twice as much as the chocolate cake
wtf
it's full of carrots

when i was a kid and we went to the cafeteria
i always wanted custard
i would still rather have custard than
cake or pie
i love custard
and flan
i mean
if i let them talk me into churros or sopapillas or tres leches cake
and realistically i usually wouldn't get desert with mexican food
because it's too heavy
no room
maybe if i ate no chips
but i'd rather have the chips
unless they don't have green sauce
but
if they only have red salsa, say
and i have room for desert
or if i get like shrimp stuffed jalapenos
and they only give you two
so i have room for desert
if i let them talk me into any of those other things
i will be sad
because that is how much i love flan
i like all those other things, a lot
but not as much as i like flan

dairy products win
i use soy milk now in coffee
and i like that actively better
i prefer the myokos vegan cultured butter
but sour cream, cheese, custard
i have not been able to harden my heard to these things


ok
my head hurts so bad
idk when this started
the weather must be changing or something

it's awful
i'm gonna write the poem and go to bed
i love you sweetheart

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:25

i woke up late
but
i don't know if i should be proud of this
before i made toast, which i'm about to go do
i just spent a bunch of time researching the mulberry question
because i watched the beginning first too

i'm gonna go make toast, i'll be back

ok i'm back

apparently you clasp hands, however many of you there are
and do a ring dance around the tree
they aren't bushes
it was originally bramble bush
but that was hard to say
and it was switched to mulberry
possibly also related to the silk trade
silk worms go with mulberry trees

the rhyme may have been used originally
as an exercize song for a women's prison
which had a mulberry tree in the yard
although that seems inconsistent with the bramble bush story
my suspicion is that the bramble bush song was first
the prison warden heard it and used it as an exercize song
and was the first one to write about it, creating the first written record of it
there are a bunch of verses
about this is the way we wash the socks
or whatever
and they have break out groups demonstrate that
apparently also in the children's game

so
you dance around until you are done with the verses
which ends with something about a frosty morning
which is apparently some commentary
on the silk trade being bad that year (sheesh)
and then you go back to prison
or school
whatever

it's like the hokey pokey or go you chicken fat

poem: rococo 4:24

as i back it up
make it less and less about me
it starts to feel more comfortable

and the dragonfly
flies by in my head

and
up up and away in my beautiful balloon


day of the dead is a no brainer for fall--  mexico  november 2
TBD  australia
koningsdag in amsterdam--  april 27
TBD  chicago

there are lots of cultures
and lots of cool stuff
so
this is just where this cohort meets up

i'm pretty excited about this itenerary

i need to figure out the guides
or maybe i don't
maybe it'll be like watching that old steve allen show
i'll reverse engineer it
what do i want the attitudes to be
although
gotta warn ya
all probably pretty salty

this is probably less like a poem
than any of the un-poem-y poems so far

i'm sorry
i tried to clear my mind
it didn't work
it's just this this this

now it might be too much
but that's not usually my problem
my problem is usually
i write it
and it's clean and short
like a poem
or maybe a short story
and
when i start trying to write it longer
it needs more crap
and then i can deal with it
or structure it
or work it out
it gets boring for me
and frustrating

what i need is something fun
fun fun fun
and
maybe it won't work
maybe i can't make myself do it
but
i think i can, i think i can, i think i can

nite chat: 4:24

it's funny
because today i kept thinking
about the scene with the spirit guides
having em kinda bicker back and forth

come on
somebody step up to the plate
she needs a native

why, she's not native
are you sure about that
yeah, i'm sure, i saw her fucking family tree

yeah, but did you see the grandfather
he sure looks native
maybe his daddy isn't really his daddy

look, i'm not interested in some little white kid wants to feel special, understand
we got real kids on the rez need ancestors, dig

right right, but what about all that new age indigo stuff
don't you think that's worth an investment

maybe, but we don't need anybody good for that
hell, send her clyde, he's not busy

i mean, you might not think she's native
but she does, and she's pretty invested in it
i think we should take this seriously

ok, why the hell not, i'm not afraid of a little white girl
she's not related to any of those conquistadores, right
cause i fucking hate them
no, well ok then
i got the cute little girl
i mean, what have i got against white, i'm supposed to come back white, afterall

well, dude, i mean you can be a little much, ya know waht i mean

seriously dude, you were just whinin for somebody to step up
and now i step up in all my feathered glory
and yer saying now it's too much
it is you are are too fuckin much

no no, now calm down
i just mean don't be showing yourself to her
not until she gets older
we really need this one to be like, sane

you are not my boss, for one
you are no fun, for two
and you know good and well
that i'm there doing damage control
for the crappy situation this kid has, for three
so blow it out your ass, but i'll take it under advisement

but i was having a hard time picturing where it was
i mean, not some big cloud-y place
that's supposed to be heaven--  just no
so where then

and then it came to me
when you're riding on the el
is it el or L
anyway there are these apartments
and they have these stair/deck kinda things
that are right across from the el or L
i want to say they are in bucktown
or near there anyway
and i always thought that would be the place to live
sit on the porch and watch the trains

although
that might be loud and distracting
but i just couldn't shake it
that seemed like the coolest thing to me
and then
suddenly
that seemed like the perfect place for my spirit guides
to be having this argument
kickin back
having some beers
watching to see if anybody on the trains noticed them

i know it doesn't make sense
but
it doesn't not make sense either
i mean it's a conference, right
so summer and maybe spring--  chicago
winter and fall--  idk, not america though, i think

whatever
anyway
i'm liking this idea
like interwoven through
and by this idea
i'm not 100% sure if i mean my story
or the spirit guides
or both
i could see it going that way now
there's like my story-ish
and the current bizzaro story
and now i'm seeing the spirit guides almost like a chorus
but not a chorus
they meet at their what semi-annual, quarterly, what, meetings
if it's quarterly then not everybody goes to every one
maybe ya gotta make one or two a year
check in
unless you don't have a person
then ya gotta go to all of em--  ha
there're a few of them
they just got the fomo bad
and they don't want any of these rando lame-o kids
because they don't want to miss out on the perfect kid
so they have to go to meetings
and
something else
they have to add a piece of clothing
or take off a piece of clothing
or something equally silly and embarasing
so everybody makes fun of them

and they're all talking about the bat-shit crazy stuff
that's going on in the world
and sometimes they trade off
or join in as the kids get older

i am really selling myself on this

thank you baby
i'm gonna go do some stuff and then i'll be back
for the poem

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:24

hope you're doing well
i'm going to go drive my car around a little
it occurs to me that it might stop running
well that occurred to me from the beginning
but it's been some amount of time
i'm not sure exactly
since i drove it last
and
i'm not really sure how much
driving you need to do to charge the battery
probably two blocks up to the store
is not enough

so
whatever
i'm gonna do that
it's 90 degrees
which is hot, but not terrible for this time of year
i really don't want to go out though
but
for the first time since whenever i went out last
i am wearing all requisite articles of clothing
bra
panties
shirt
pants
i will be wearing shoes
but right now i'm wearing flip flops
i went to the mail box

i have been seeing other people on social media
write about their experience with this whole thing
and apparently
the sense of scattered, non-focused, unproductive malaise
is pretty common
i wonder why

i mean for really social people
i get it
but i'm not
although
in my dream last night
i started a new job
and i wasn't super happy with it
it was a big department store i think
and they had a wine dept

you are never going to work in the wine dept
they said
that is not included in the scope of your job
that's run by a different division of the company
and you don't work for them

anyway
if i don't talk to you before
i'll see you tonight
love you sweets

poem: they don't teach evolution 4:23

perhaps i should be
my brother's keeper
but my brother is cain
he's coming right at me
i think he's insane

the emperor has no clothes
he's fat and he's orange
i just want to look away
hope for the future
pretend it's okay

but he won't stop spinning
the spin of the drain
and then re-spin the spun
with the craziest non-sense
since hist'ry begun

so get the bleach cain
go get the bleach
no no more for you
(i savor that speech)
just save your own life
(don't worry 'bout mine)
here have a spoon
let your little light shine

xxx

i hated to do it
to "help" him that way
maybe i'm just as bad
yeah that's what you'll say
and in final reckoning say i'm the liar
but sometimes life be like that
and the bed was on fire

more nite chat: 4:23

ok
idk what to do with the information
that the orange man thinks injecting bleach
might just do the trick
also
hit em with some light
i really picturing him slicing someone open
pulling their lungs apart
and then burning their lungs
with super strong lights

what am i supposed to do with that
what

and the shill
i thought she was gonna apoplect
[i made it up
and that's my nick name for her
might not be fair, whatever]
or vomit


i needed the music to be rougher
just for my sanity
so i hope it didn't freak you out


wait
i got an idea for the poem
i'll be back


ok
pretty happy with that generally
i hope you're doing ok
i'm gonna try to go to bed now-ish
sleep well sweetheart
i love you very much

nite chat: 4:23

oh dear god
i was not trying to play the spice girls
i was trying to play this

but i musta done something wrong

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:23

well he did respond to me
he went back to the father (whose birthday is unknown)
of the guy born in 1738
and
there doesn't seem to be an indian, he says
yeah, i say, i feel like a replicant with implanted memories
and he replies

Though now I’m jonesing for a story of two Machiavellian too-clever-by-half eldritch masterminds engaging in byzantine intrigues against each other, preferably while engaging in casual and playful conversations heavy with innuendo and double meaning, and lots of symbolism.

so then i'm like wtf
but i was busy
so then i look at it
and i'm thinking he's talking about
rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead
which i guess is an answer
but
initially it seemed like a non sequitur

because i didn't feel like that accurately represented
the depth of my feeling about it
but
maybe i feel more meta about R&G
that he does

poem: dyslexia runs in my family, i got numbers and maps 4:22

sometimes it's good to laugh
well, really
it's always good to laugh
but sometimes you want to be serious
and sometimes you just do feel serious
whether you specifically want to or not
and then
sometimes
you feel actively sad or depressed or generally low
but really
at any of these time
some comic relief can be a good thing

and, i mean
you are a good-looking man
no doubt about it
but
i find that often people who i think look good
get less and less attractive as i get to know them better
because when it comes right down to it
i might think you're physically attractive
but
it's not your body i'm most interested in
what makes you
so so hot
is that you
are smart-funny
now i admit, i do seem to have a real soft spot
for those unexpected wicked
i rue to call them puns

but
the way you turn things around
your comic bent
combined with your cultural commentary
and whatever else--  that shit you naturally do
that's all gold to me
it warms me, see

and i'm not telling you this
to pressure you to do anything
i'm telling you
because i feel like i've put a lot of emphasis
on how i think you're hot
and you make me feel a certain kinda way
and blah blah blah
but

i feel like i haven't really told you
at least not recently
that that quirky world view
that reminded me of the inside of my own head
that's what got me
that was the hook
and
it probably wouldn't matter what you looked like
suddenly that would be hot to me
understand

is this a poem
idk
maybe not
i mean, for sure it's not sonnetts from the portuguese
sonnet 43

but
i mean
it kinda is

nite chat: 4:22

ok
so
talking
i'm not feeling much like talking
i'm totally derailed on this replicant thing
i have totally decided
that his mother had an affair
that his father was killed when he was a baby
and that he never knew his name
i do not believe that a fifteen year old boy doesn't know his father's name
the father that he lived with up to that point
now
he might have made up the indian thing
and not been prepared to make up an indian name
and so said he didn't know the name
that is possible
but
i just don't believe this story
i like my version better
gran gran knew his mother
and his brothers and sisters
one of his brothers killed himself
gran gran really loved him
and she was good friend, at least when they were young-ish
i think at least through the war with his two year older brother

and my paw paw was about 6'2" i think
he was tall
but not like freakishly tall
but they always said he was the runt of the litter
because they were more like 6'6"

my brother didn't even respond back to me
i got him the information he wanted
at great emotional expense to myself
and he didn't respond back
and
it's probably not fair
but i'm mad at him for ruining my
idk exactly

and it was weird
when i told him i didn't know
he was like but your mother is all over the ancestry site
and i'm like i don't think so
she's never exhibited any interest in ancestry
and he's like her name is all over it
and then he spelled her name wrong
and i'm like i think that's a different person

but i texted her
and she's like no i've never been on there
i had a cousin who sent me a bunch of pictures
to identify because they were from my father's generation
but i've not been on there
so idk why
but his like
your mom's all over there
it did not sit right with me

like probably he just meant
i figured you'd know ancestry because your mom's into it
but the way deborah used to be all like my mom was
butting in where she didn't belong came out
like he was saying she had been in dad's family tree stuff
which she wasn't
and wouldn't have been
she would have only been mentioned in her dad and mom's
although, i mean, technically
she was dad's second wife
and my mom
so
it would not be out of line for her to be the fucking family tree
i'm very unsettled
i didn't need this shit

i was gonna try to go to bed early
but
i think it's way too late to make that happen

i love you sweetheart
i guess i better go write that poem

RESOURCES/REFERENCE thoughts

cattle drives

texas-montana cattle drives

trail map

san marco 1912 street map

normal star newpaper page
normal star newspaper page
search page normal star

ok well that turns out to be a college newspaper for normal college in san marcos
have not yet found the "real" newspaper in san marcos in 1912
although unlikely to have actual information
just town background now i guess

it's unlikely that she's running around with baby uncle charlie in tow

but maud's 17 she could totally be watching the other four kids, right

also, he always tied the shoeless joe story in with shoeless joe being an indian, but the only kind of indian i can find any record of shoeless joe being is this
although i'm not sure whether he would have known about that
or indeed whether they were not called naps at that time
also he played previously for the savannah indians
which he may or may not have had any way to know

so maybe it's one of those kids not quite understanding things in a funny way
maybe we've got a ransome of red chief situation
[my god she likes those o. henry stories doesn't she
there was pretty scant reason for that reference]
or maybe he had been teased by kids for looking like an indian and he was owning it or maybe it was something else

he would have been starting school at what 5 or 6 so it was most likely have been 1918 or 1919
hmmmm     can't find anything about spanish flu in san marcos specifically

his alleged father died when he was a middle teen-ager
i find it hard to believe that he didn't know his father's name
if that was his father
and i never never got the sense that he was lying to me
about any of that
now the specific indian tribe i always thought was a little iffy
like either he wasn't sure
or he had picked something he liked
but
as it wasn't something he would have heard of
like in movies or t.v.
i thought there was a good chance that he was kinda sure
because if he were completely making it up
wouldn't it be cherokee or sioux or apache
i mean blackfeet are not the obvious choice

I'm depressed

or something and I have a headache

I decided not to get up

so

I've been in bed all day

I had a bunch of dreams I don't remember

but

this one just popped back into my head

I laid my head on your lap

and I wasn't really trying to be sexy or anything

but it just felt really good

and then you made some move

like physically

that made me think you were a little uncomfortable

so I lifted up

and your pants were open

you immediately

took a cloth or something

and started wiping yourself down

like you were afraid I got lipstick on you

but I couldn't even feel any kinda way about that

because I was looking at you

and what I mostly saw seemed to be balls

but it had this really beautiful

ripply ridge-y texture

that I want to call crinelation, but that probably isn't right

but I was kinda spellbound

and then

like from a distance

you were calling my name

and it was so intense

but then almost immediately

there was this guy

screaming say my name

and surely then he must have said it

but I don't remember that

just this guy

screaming for your attention

over and over

poem: more important things 4:21

i feel hollowed out
i don't know
if
when i sleep everything will
fill back up

i don't know

and i found this hard to write
i still haven't gotten
any money from unemployment
state or federal
and now
they're fixin to open it back up
which
is crazy

there are things more important
they say
than living
like being a wage slave i guess

i have faith
that this is all gonna be ok
somehow

cause that's the word on spirit street
and they haven't steered me wrong yet
but
i can't say i'm not worried
or that i want to go back out

i mean
i can't focus
and i'm not being what i'd call productive
but i do feel like i'm moving forward
into the light, as it were
and i want to see where this soul development goes

i know this isn't a good poem
there are more important things than good poems
there's life, there really is
and i want to grow in the light of the newness

but
i would like to get some checks
before they decide i don't get any more checks
and
i'd like to figure it all out
learn to be happy
and make money
all without going into the plague-sphere

that's not too much to ask, is it

nite chat: 4:21

i've been floating around trying to get out of my
i hesitate to call it a funk
but that was the first word that came to mind
i can't make clear enough the mind fucking quality of this

and
i'm trying to get information
and the youtube doesn't seem to have it
i was just watching someone
say they were channeling quetz'l
and i 't believe it
i'm not sure how much i believe channeling, generally
i believe in it
i just don't think i've ever really seen it done

quetz'l is not one of those heart cutting out group btw
quetz'l was a creator not a destroyer
although i'm not sure i really understand
who he's supposed to be
i think, for me, he's more inspirational
i don't think that the talker is quetz'l

so
if i just tried to channel
or prophesy
what would happen
let me see

i see a mushroom in my head
now i see stark winter-y branched tree limbs
no leaves kinda spooky looking
and then it morphed into a dandelion puff
that will screw them out of four million dollars
someone says
not specifically about the tree morphing thing
i'm getting the subway sandwich logo
but that doesn't really mean anything to me

i fell asleep in the chair

idk
i feel like i need to sleep

let me go write this poem

Okay several things

I feel like a replicant

like I haven't planted memories and they aren't really mine and maybe I'm not a real person

Also I looked back at that dream and waxahachie You know how almost every city you could think of the name of or town there's like one in every state well apparently not waxahachie apparently waxahachie is in Texas

It's close to Dallas

And this is the really weird thing I mean you know it's just a coincidence but are there really coincidences

You know how I said I did not know my great-grandmother's maiden name well it's the same as the county that waxahatchie's in

That's weird right

But it's not a swamp

I think there is a river

So there's a time to run through the waxahachie in a bathrobe carrying a steak

Still doesn't make

And it's still kind of fun to say

And and she was 39 years old when he was born and he does in fairness look like an Indian so I mean maybe his father wasn't really his father I don't know we could make all kind of stories

it is sort of an American tradition that whatever race you look like you are is what you're supposed to be whether that's right or wrong which of course it's ridiculous

And doesn't really help me in the long run because of course I'm so pale I'm almost invisible

But people of Mexican heritage came up to my aunt Joan for years speaking to her in Spanish thinking she was Mexican

And when I was growing up my father was super super dark and I was super super pale and so as soon as I became aware that there were different races I thought maybe he was a different race from me

So all of that is just not of any real consequence but whatever I'm saying in any way

The upshot is that I feel like if we're not now bound to truth

There isn't really any reason not to flesh out this story

I mean I could just kind of wholesale make stuff up if I want

And make a very exciting backstory cuz it's not like I'm telling anybody anyway it's just for me

But then also I wonder

Like maybe I don't know how it works with spirit guides I mean do they get asigned do they pick you idk

Maybe all the native American spirits were like I don't know we don't want anything to do with her she's a pale face and they're like yeah but she thinks she's an Indian come on somebody step up and quetz'l was like I'll take her

She not related to any of those conquistadors

And we had some kind of prophecy

That are Jesus person was supposed to be pale

So I got no beef with her

Maybe that's how I ended up with him

I mean obviously I don't know

but I was thinking this was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me finding this stuff out but maybe it's not

I mean if I think that finding out your DNA doesn't tell you anything about yourself because you know who you are well if I worked that backwards then I would be telling myself that I am who I am I'm this replicant who has these fake memories but they're not fake to me they're real to me so the fact that they're not true doesn't mean they're not foundational to my personality

So whatever you know

recalculating: 4:21

ok
so the one defining fact at the core ofmy personality
isn't reality

i pondered that

and
i say
so what

follow me here
like it or not, i'm an american
and one of the things that has defined americans
arguably more than anyone else in the world
is their penchant for re-invention

if he were alive today
he'd be 107
and he didn't give me a lie
he gave me a story

and
it was an incredible gift
and it's not even sensible
to ask whether it's the greatest gift anyone ever gave me
because in a very real sense
it is me

so
thank you paw paw

for giving me a better back story

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:21

ok
i'm super super super unhappy now
so
you know how i've never taken a dna test
because what is it gonna tell me that i want to hear
right
well
my brother send me this facebook chat
hey
take a look at this family tree [name removed] is making me do
does this look right?

well
there's all kinds of shit i don't know on there
including my great grandfather's name (allegedly)
which is [name removed]
and i'm all like
i don't believe this name

quintin was a name that deborah batted around
for both of you and dad never liked it
if it had been a family name
you'd think that would have been mentioned

also
the family story was always
that he was killed and thrown in a ditch
for being an indian
and when i would ask what his name was
paw paw always said he didn't know

he was wanting me to tell him
his father's name
so
mostly trying to disprove this shit
i go looking around
and
i find that it's not wrong
and they have his father
and on and on
and they are not indians
any of them
lilly white
but
oh joy of joys
my great great grand father was a civil war veteran
uh huh, that

i mean i knew i wasn't enough indian to count
but i'm not
not at all and i'm crushed
crushed

i am from a whole pack of liars
and
i'm so mad
i could spit

Okay I just woke up

And I had a pretty remarkable dream experience that I didn't really realize at first that it was such a remarkable dream experience I had to kind of put two and two together

I was reading off of a page

The guy I was talking to he couldn't read it

And I was thinking he couldn't read it because it was very small print

But after I woke up cuz I had leg cramps and I had to get up and stand on them and say ow ow ow ow ow bunch of times

But like one of them was just the name of a book

Which I can't remember was the book about a cat

And one was something equally short and unimpressive

One was a quote

but I don't think it's a real quote I think it was something I made up in the dream and I can't remember exactly what it said but it was something like there's a time to hurry and there was a time to rush and there's a time to go really really fast and then there's a time to run through the swamp only gave the name of the swamp and it was like waxahachie

And then it was something else weird like in your bathrobe carrying a steak or something like that

I thought that was pretty cool in the dream however I think it was something not that I made up it was definitely not something I made up in the dream it was a saying

But I thought it was really funny

And right now

I just closed my eyes and I got an image of a woman holding her shoes in her hands and walking out into what's probably a stage

And saying dinosaurs is Spencer's

poem: oh just go eat a bomb pop 4:20

i looked out the window
i'm not sure what i saw

today
i saw a video of a care-giver hugging and old man
and my first thought was
no, unsafe behavior
my first thought

the millenials, or hell
maybe some of them were zoomers
think biden can't win without them
and maybe they're right
or
maybe he can't win with em
i'm not sure

do you really think
they're willing to let he-who-shall-not-be-named
burn it to the fucking ground
because all their demands weren't met

i mean
i feel em, i do
i been feeling like that most of my life
and sometimes i vote third party
i really want us to have a vibrant multi-party system
i feel their
the difference between corporate democrat and republican
is not enough of a difference
i do
but jesus on a fucking popsicle stick

and maybe
maybe the "good guy" is a rape-er
i read some stuff, might not be true
but it sure sounded like a credible story
i'd like to say it should be checked out
but
i'm not
because, ya know what
the bad guy is a rape-er too
so, whatever, it cancels out, and that makes me sick to my stomach

how did it go from looking like it was gonna be a woman
like almost for sure
to being the old white dude who thinks
marijuana is a dangerous gateway
that he can work with republicans
and that he's just a hugger of women and he should keep on with that, really
maybe not, maybe he understands
that he's not supposed to say that
but not how it's not being a "sensitive" feminist brother
it's about respect, or not

and the bad man said
un-ironically, i think, and if it wasn't
does that make it better
or worse
i cannot tell a lie

i'd like to make that true
pump him full of truth serum
find out what he thinks is true--  how ironic is he really

nite chat: 4:20

this has been another scattered mind day for me
i've been locked on social media
but
even that has been hard to absorb
it's funny
because monday has seemed to be a very
like "monday" sort of day
since i haven't been going to work
but for the last couple of years at work
monday was a day that i didn't have a lot of time
but i had a pretty good list of things that i had to accomplish
so i had to really be on my game
so
it's not like i'm used to monday being
this kind of ho hum whatever
still hung over from the weekend
kind of slacker day
not at all

i had to wear a bra
for like the third time this month
i haven't worn makeup at all
but my skin is still almost cleared up
 it's quite disheartening
i mean, it's not that it looks so bad
it's just that i want it to be clear
and healed and not a pain in the ass
that's all
i just want my skin
not this bullshit hormonal skin
but
it's really not that bad
i shouldn't complain
but
i probably will
i should do a mask

i feel like something's coming
i could be wrong
i've had several things that seemed like they were coming
that just shriveled on the vine

but
my brain keeps whispering
grackles grackles grackles
at me
so maybe it's ready to go back to that
or maybe it has a new idea related to that
idk
just don't try to push me
because that makes me not want to do it
i don't know why
but
i've always had that problem

i just has a little piece of skin kinda hangin on
by my cuticle, it seemed quite loose
so i was just gonna pull it off
and it pulled a long line of skin off the front of my middle finger
it's quite painful, and i'm not quite sure how
i could have so misread the situation
ouch
i really thought i was competent for that level maneuver

also
i think the only band-aids are the natural-y
bio-degradable ones that won't stay on
and are completely useless
but i'm gonna go see, right now
be right back

yeah
that's not going to stay on
there's just something really weak about the adhesive
but whatever
i'll try to be gentle with it
it's mostly so i don't scratch it or pick at it
also so the salve will stay on
and nothing get's in it
but i'm not so worried about getting something in it


it was weird to see a car with people in it
when i was on the stoop yesterday evening
it pulled down the street
crossed at the light
stopped
and some girls got out
like they were looking for a party
going to a party
idk
it was like something i recognized
but don't even see much around here
under normal circumstances
which these aren't

there was a protest
i think it was yesterday
i saw it on social media
and it said:  do better texas
and i'm all like where is that
i don't recognize that place
it was at the capital building
you'd think i'd recognize that
but i'm not sure i've ever looked at footage
of my state capital
i mean, surely i have
but maybe i haven't

i mean texas has thousands of miles
filled with almost nobody, there's no way
no possible way that there aren't gonna be a few
stupid people protesting
i mean
the funeral pyre guy is an office holder


i feel unsettled


i'm just gonna try to write the poem now

i have no idea what i thought i was posting
but
i never saw that at all
so
it was a surprise to me
weird
note to self
don't look at your phone until you're awake
i guarantee you i'm not taking that note though

poem: iii 4:19

maybe
maybe i filled my brain too full
and now i don't know
which direction to go
that feels
like a different reason to be confused

and i say
here's to new reasons
we've milked all the old reasons already
let's revel in the new
and who would 'a thunk it anyway

don't you hate it
when people are vague
yeah i'm talking about me, but i think we knew that

but
i must 'a done something right, huh
and it turns out
9th of march i put tipping point in my library

nite chat: 4:19 [part 2]

so
if the poem doesn't make sense
don't worry
it's for me
i needed to write one
and that's what came out

i love you very much
sweet dreams sweetheart
i love you very much

nite chat: 4:19 [part 1]

so
i feel like i should make something clear
although i would not consider myself
like a strict utilitarian or anything
the reason i say that i probably have a moral imperative
to kill the horse to save the people
is a largely utilitarian argument
and
i do still remember utilitarianism

i re-read those articles
and they were much less interesting than i remember them being
i remember being blown away by philosophy
in that
i was pretty much uniformly told
that my problem was that i think too much
and here were people telling me
no, you don't think enough

i read the google car one
and that was like an ethics walk by
it really only reminded you that an ethics algorithm
was like a thing

i'm saying that i wouldn't kick the horse to death
but, if you showed me a bunch of pictures
or let me talk to the political prisoners
i might kill the horse
in a way that was not pain or fear inducing to it
i'm not sure
i feel confident
there are some animals i might kill given that circumstance

i am
in other words
not taking a straight-forward animal rights stance
i have a confusing
and, i'm just going to say up front
not consistent philosophy about animal rights

i'm not a philosopher
and i don't demand of myself that i maintain a perfectly consistent
philosophy about, well, much at all

i generally have allowed my psychology to fuck that up
i think that people do a lot of what they do
based on unconscious or emotional or instinctual
"lizard brain"  "monkey brain" reasons
and then use the "big brain" to write the justification

which is kind of why i said
use whichever reason you like
on the horse thing
i'm not doing it
and i can make whatever case i want
but
to some extent that will be dependent on
factors other than anything i might say
i realize that that's a little oblique
and
i'm not saying it's not important to make cogent arguments
i just don't 100% believe that anyone
knows all the motivations for their actions

and this is an understanding i have come to
at least in part
since i have left university
although i will say that emotion and motivation
was one of my favorite classes
and i never took abnormal psych
which is crazy
that's the one everyone want s to take
i took (let's see if i can remember)
intro to psych
human sexuality
social psych
research methods in psych
psych of personality
cognitive psych
child development
emotion and motivation
the individual in society (psych/poli sci knowledge integration)
i'm pretty sure i took something
called something like
i can't remember what it was called
something like normal psychology
like healthy person psychology
with like the hierarchy of needs
and self actualization and that stuff
but
since i can't remember the name of it
it's possible that i'm conflating
personality and motivation
but
i was pretty sure i had 30 hours
not sure
it was a while ago

this is what i did for college

actual example

another, related example


a modern updated piece (for regular people not philosophers)

the clydesdale dilemma: 4:19

ok
i found another one

i feel like
there is a moral imperative
it would be my ethical duty to kill the clydesdale
in order to save all the political prisoners
i should do that
but
i would not

i love horses
and especially those large workhorse type horses
like when i was in kentucky
i went to some horse thing
i can't remember what it was called
and i had like a moment
with a percheron
whose name
strangely
turned out to be dan
i'm not making this shit up

i had like a connection with this horse
not in some kind of creepy way
but it was intense

i look at a pretty lythe horse
and i think
i might hurt it
but i look at a clydesdale or a percheron
and i think
we could go somewhere you and me
let's get out of here

political prisoners should be freed
but to set up a situation where someone is freed
by the death of another
is not a legitimate way to go about things
and
i could not make myself kill a horse
by kicking it to death
even if
i could accomplish it in the time frame
which is 20 minutes
so
use whichever justification you prefer

i'm not doing it
i'll just go to hell
for not saving the people
because i can't see them
and
the horse
is right here looking at me

i shall be released 4:19

it occurs to me
that perhaps i'm not understanding the question properly
is it that you will experience
the experience
of the particular relief
or just the type of relief without the experience
there may be a distinction that i'm missing

when i work hard
for long periods
and my body hurts
lying in bed
very infrequently helps
i very rarely wake up in the morning
feeling refreshed and good
which is why it has been so nice and unusual
so
i don't even really understand that experience
i don't know what you're talking about on that one
so
i have to discount it out of hand
that's a no go from the start

now
one of the lovely things
which the menopause seems to have brought me
is a closer relationship with my bladder
i understand that pregnancy does this too
in slightly different ways
but
for a little while there
i was having trouble holding it

and
i get on the computer
and i think
yeah yeah just a little while longer
and then, suddenly, there was just not any more time
and i would clench
and try to get up
and
before i could get to the bathroom
it would be leaking out of me

i found this
some combination of disgraceful and horrifying
so i started doing some things to try to improve it
and i don't
knock on wood
seem to be having the leakage issue anymore
but
the suddenly
still happens
so
i know the agony
and of course
i've had long road trips
there was one where i was stuck on a bridge
in louisianna
i think near lake charles
where i had had to go for a while
and then suddenly traffic was stopped
and it was another hour and a half
and i started
seriously
trying to figure out how i would pee
into something
how could that work
and when i finally pulled in to a gas station
super hyper ultra clenched
that pee
that pee was semi-orgasmic
plus with the relief of not having the humiliation
of having to try to clean piss out of a rental vehicle
so
if we are strictly speaking feelings of relief
sensations of relief
minus the actual thing we are doing for the relief
then
i'd have to pick the peeing one

however
if the question is as i understood it
which experience would we rather have
i can go two days without eating
it's not the best
but
in high school
several times
i didn't eat for like five days
and then i'd eat a candy bar
like
to get high
before i had drugs
the experience of eating delicious food
is one of the reasons for living
even if i'm not particularly hungry
that's one of the reasons i'm fat, see
the sensory experience of eating
so
it's not that great as a "form of relief"
it would be second
since the bed one doesn't make sense
but
if we are ranking the experience of eating
after a prolonged period of not eating
heightening the sensory experience
of the already very high up in the list experience
vs. the  experience of peeing
after a prolonged period of not being able to
the experience is only relief
there is no euphoric element
so
for me
it is an inferior experience

if food is like
just fuel
no erotic element
no euphoria
then
i can well imagine the release element
would change the equation
i can remember
when i was a kid
researching information about sex
reading that an orgasm
feels a lot like
peeing
when you have been holding it a long time
and
i thought
wow, that seems lame
and
indeed
my orgasms are not much like that
or, at least, they haven't been in the past

who can say
what they will be like now
that weak little one was
now that i'm thinking of it
kinda like that

ok
now i'm just depressing myself
an orgasm
is meant to be a psychedelic earthquake
a near out of body experience
maybe not for a guy
maybe that would be painful
but
for me
if i remember correctly
is like an alien download
with this kaleidescopic clicking pattern in my brain
and then all the body stuff
which is a completely different kind of
like exploding tension
not centralized in the genitals
and not flowing in the way of even an intense pee

and
i'm not gonna get that back, am i
i've probably lost that forever

self-immolation 4:19

is something i have thought about
it is a very important form of protest
in the asian world
however
my experience with western reaction to it
is somewhere along the lines of
well they are just crazy
and therefore
i don't need to know anything else about it
so
it doesn't serve the same function
in the western world
and
i mean
it has to fucking hurt
i mean
maybe it's over fast
but it doesn't look that fast
and like three minutes
if it's that fast
can be a very long time, very long

i would not now
even consider this form of protest
given the society that i'm living in
and
of the many ways i've considered killing myself
i always try to rule out excruciating pain

i imagine blowing your brains out
would hurt
and
if you don't do it right
it would be horrible in a variety of ways
but
it seems like, at least, it wouldn't be that hard
not to fuck it up
not like say
shooting yourself in the chest
that could go wrong easily

opening a vein
that might be easy to fuck up
but it's not supposed to be a painful way to die
lie in a tub of warm water and just bleed out
seems like less mess
comparatively
than the blowing your brains out option
plus you don't need a firearm

and you see where i'm going
i've spent a lot of time thinking about killing myself

and
when i decided to go after you
my answer to myself of the craziness of it
was that i could always kill myself if it went badly
i didn't care
i was ready to go
but
the damnedest thing
i got attached to life
and now the idea of dying
doesn't sound that good

and when you said the counting backwards thing
i almost said no before i heard any more
like
from the jump
i don't think i can do it
numbers are hard to focus on

frequently i try to keep track of how long i'm doing something
by counting forwards
and frequently i get lost in the counting
and go from say 49 to 60 or 80 or i don't even know what
because my mind wanders
so
if it was 300 and my life depended on it
maybe i could do it
but
if it was 3000
because, for example, i can't now remember which it was
maybe i could do it
but
if it's a choice to seriously risk my life
for $25,000
then i say fuck you, no

that's a good chunk of change
it'd be nice to have

but i'm not at the point yet where it's my survival either way
and there might be other options at that time

my life is worth more than $25,000 to me

and
if i'm going to do a do this or die deal
i want to be shot
not burned alive 

standing on the moon: 4:19

ok
actually i have given quite a bit of thought
to the idea of standing on the surface of the moon
and
truthfully
i feel like i can construct it
convincingly enough to write about it
from all the footage i've seen
and the strange real life landscapes i've trod
and
this ten minutes on the moon
is such a me thing that i'm surprised i don't pick it
because a lot of the core experiences that i would write about
didn't necessarily have a lot of duration of experience
what they have is intensity of experience

there are two reason i do not choose it

i really would love to spend a year in europe
not even going all over, necessarily
but
the kind of week in europe
two weeks in europe
that i might possibly be able to pull off
would not give me the experience i'm looking for
i want to live on a boat along the canal in amsterdam
and maybe someplace in sweeden as well
i would like to have some crazy experience in iceland
chat with an old god, perhaps
maybe see a bull fight
i don't know if i can handle it
but
ya gotta have those hemingway homages
i want to learn something about basques

i don't really want to fly there
i hate to fly
if i could take a ship
i think i'd rather do that
but
i guess if i was going for a year
maybe i could suck it up and fly


the other reason
i am terrified of an oxygen free environment
the idea of having
a little bit of fabric
between me
and horrifying death
doesn't sound worth the experience
ten minutes
what am i gonna get on the surface of the moon
in ten minutes

WOW!

and
it would be a great wow
but
i feel like i can pre-imagine 75% of that wow
and, in the end
i'd rather have the hundred smaller wows

poem: untitled 4:18

i want
to be romantic
to say words that will make you swoon
eyes roll back in your head breath belabored
but
what i feel
is the strength of your arms
my head on your chest
kissing the top of my head and telling me
you're safe

as i breathe in the warm scent of you
and memorize the rhythm of your heart
you're safe

from the wraith of illness and death

from the fear that i don't understand us

from my demons
from your demons
from anything that isn't us here now

because
now is the only time
and now and now and now

i want you
and i want the romantic-y
two ships pass in the night stuff
i want to see and do the things i've become a little afraid of
because

i don't just want that

i love you sweetheart
i'm going to bed

sweet dreams

more nite chat: 4:18

so
how is it
that i still
after thirteen years of telling you about myself
i still have stuff to tell you
i mean, partially, that's cause i have new stuff come up, ya know

i had collard greens with dinner
and when i put the extra away
i stained out all the greens and put them in a big to-go soup container
then i filled up the remaining space with the pot-licker
and i was going to put the remaining liquid
in another to-go soup container
to make miso soup with
but
it didn't seem like enough
so
i just picked up the big damn pot
and drank it out of the pot
seriously
i didn't dirty a glass or bowl or anything
i just upended the pot
and drank, what, like 14 ounces of collard green broth
that's how hard core i am

oooooo sexy, right

and i wanted donuts
but all this talk of tequila
and the actual experience of the collard greens
[with cajun spice]
makes me want savory
and
this is what i want
the lemon roasted potatoes
and idk what else
maybe just a bunch of those
they are amazing
i love spanakopita, but i haven't had theirs
it's one of the places you can order from
and i only ever order those potatoes and a greek salad
or green beans

i have eaten at the restaurant a couple times
it's not far from me
but
it depresses me
because it used to be a restaurant that i loved
that's gone now
which interferes with my enjoyment
of the new place's very good food

so we can order those potatoes
and whatever you want
and we can drink whatever we like
we could do that as a picnic on the floor
or
we could build a fort
or
we could do something else--  your pick

while we eat
we could watch something
or we could listen to music
or we could just talk
but
sometimes it's nice to do one or the other thing
with the food
because then you don't have to worry
about talking and eating at the same time
and
then there's something to talk about
if you picked the watching or listening thing right

probably
i should go on and write the poem now

i might write more later
i left a place holder
just in case

night chat: 4:18

i have a bunch of beer and wine here
i should probably drink it up
i don't remember the last time i had either
beer or wine
i know i had beer at grayson brewing
and then i know i had beer
trying to find
something similar
so
i guess the last time i had beer
was whenever the last time i said i had beer
i don't remember wine either
i guess
probably the last time i mentioned it

i just
if i'm going to bather to drink
want margaritas
or
just tequila
if it's good tequila
and
i don't do the lime and the salt
that's for bad tequila, cheap tequila
if it's worth drinking
it should be sipped
is what i say

but
it was a journey to learn to appreciate it
and i sort of wanted to take that journey
with fine scotch
but i really just don't like it

rum
is too sweet
but it's nice every now and then in coke
but, if i'm having something in coke
i think i prefer tennessee sour mash whiskey
like jack daniels or jim beam
there are others
they might be better
but
i've never taken the deeper dive there

before i started drinking tequila
i drank vodka
kamikazis
specifically
which takes us back to the 80s
i have had the odd one off
other drink
mostly if i'm someplace where
it seems likely to be the best choice
mimosa, bellini, sangria, bloody mary at brunch
and if we're going back a while
daquiri
hell
if i went to new orleans right now
i might get one of those big cheap daquiris
in the big slurpy cup action
or
i might just not drink

i do
on occasion
like absinthe
but that's more about getting messed up
than about drinking
which seems an odd distinction
but i stand by it

i'm serious about tequila
i have on multiple occations
gotten tequila flights to taste different options
and
although i did do that with rum in florida
that was more of an homage to hemingway
i would like to drink his signature rum with lime
and maybe a little sugar?
and i could
but
if i'm being honest
i wouldn't enjoy it all that much


you know those "squirt" type drinks
where it's a little squeezy bottle you add to water
well, they used to have a margarita flavor of that
that was heb brand
and
although i am opposed to those things generally
i did buy the margarita flavor
until they discontinued it
and
i was so sad
[i wasn't drinking it very often
mostly i drink iced tea, unsweetened
i'm not prepared to be drinking sweet drinks
on the regular
even if they are artificially sweetened
which the heb margarita was]
but
when i ran out and went to get more
and there was no more
i hunted and hunted until i found
this
which i bought in august
and i think i might have finished two boxes
so
that may end up being my end of the world mixer supply

it's only partially about the alcohol
the whole margarita thing for me

i think this is probably way more information that you wanted
about my drink preferences

gee
how fucking romantic
really

It's so beautiful outside

It's like Seattle or Portland came to play

It's all drizzly and cool and foggy

And that's not really normal for here ever

Sometimes it's drizzly

Sometimes it's smoggy

But I had to make more coffee because it's coffee drinking weather yay

quotidienne: coffee + toast 4:18 edited

ok
i had peanut butter toast today
got some fresh ground from imperfect produce
on sprouted 7 grain bread
with coffee with soy milk
yum

i have made jello
i don't recall it being complicated
i think you have to use boiling water though
and i'm sure the amount of water is important
other than that i don't recall

curiosity got the better of me
i thought the most likely person
i would have been going to see was helen reddy
because i was super into that song

so i looked it up

and yes

she was there that year

now my second guess would be freddie fender

and he was not there that year

but he was the next

so

i could be wrong

but i'm pretty sure it was helen reddy

a lot of people here go to the rodeo

like every year

and i did go to the livestock show

and carnival sections a bunch of times

not every year

but i only went to the full rodeo

a few times

and i think

the last time i went was barbara mandrell

i'm not including a song here

because she didn't hold up as well for me

and

i think i always liked her more as an entertainer

than as a songwriter
i don't think she was a songwriter, was she?

but it was that weird time for country

i'm gonna go dance around some

i love you sweets

poem: -------> 4:17

when i grow up
i want to scrawl my mark
across the face of the moon
people will see it
but
they won't know what it is

how did that get there, they'll say
is it proof of alien life
is it a sign from god

what does it mean


i don't know why
this comes to me right now
as something i want to do
when i grow up

whatever that means


also
not necessarily when i grow up
i want very much
to
kiss
you

nite chat: 4:17

i really hate when i do that
i get myself into a frame of thought
and then
i don't want to be in that frame of thought
and then
i have a difficult time
because i'm hyper aware
and over thinking and second guessing
and whatever else

if you read that other thing
then you read it
i stand by it
i just
don't want to go there

i am thinking of

ya know what
i don't know what's wrong with me
i'm just gonna write the poem

i love you sweetheart
i hope
you have had a good evening

no coffee + toast, just this

I'm watching the mayor

he says for the most part we're going to continue to do what we've been doing through the end of May

They have a task force working on looking at all the facts and the numbers and the charts and everything and they're going to have another press conference on Monday to tell us what modifications or changes they might make to that

Also

Tito's vodka has been making hand sanitizer instead of vodka He's like some people are disappointed so they just dropped off 120 cases of advisor to the city

They're using an analogy for the idiots

The virus is a truck and it's driving along going 85 mph and it wants to go faster

And if we don't continue to apply the brakes it's just going to go out of control and crash

I'm pretty happy with that analogy

Wow they had to switch out the interpreter for the deaf I guess the other one's hands got tired

Wow burglaries are up 30%

The police chief was talking

They had at one point 200 policemen in quarantine

Office of emergency Management is talking now

Well he didn't really have that much to say

Oh White House gave us some hand sanitizer too

somebody just asked him if he was in lockstep with the governor and he said oh that's a pretty strong statement He's like let's just say I agree with his statement that we should close schools for the rest of the semester

I I really like him.  we have term limits but he was just reelected in 2019 so I think we've got him for a few more years.

He's like we need ubiquitous testing we need faster results testing we need contact tracing and I agree with all of that stuff but I don't think Governor Abbott thinks we need any of that stuff and what's his f*** thinks we should throw everybody on the funeral pyres so I'm sure he doesn't think we need that.

The testing is the key piece he says and once you have that then you can determine how fast you can go.

See see we have a coherent leader in the city but the city is predominantly blue well purple but the state leadership is all like drinking the Kool-Aid.

Somebody asked him about the he called it a makeshift hospital but I guess it's a field more like a field hospital outside the NRG stadium he said now we're talking about opening everything up so we just built that is that sending mixed signals and the mayor was like look we're trying to be proactive Make sure we had the hospital space that we needed and because of the measures we've taken we didn't need as many as we could have needed but that doesn't mean it wasn't a good idea to do.

He's like you know we canceled the rodeo.

He's like you know we looked at what was going on in Washington State and some of the other places and we said well you know it's possible that our hospitals could reach capacity and he's like and you don't want to be in a situation where you've overreached capacity and everybody's like well why didn't you do something so it's better to overprepare than to underprepare so that's what we did.

So you see from these questions that people are asking You can tell that it's entirely possible and from all the protests nationwide with the freaky red hat people that you know where this is going is if it doesn't all blow up and get the worst it could possibly be in everybody die they're going to say oh this was all the big hoax and we didn't need to do any of it That's where I'm afraid it's going.

Somebody asked him are you making masks mandatory now and he's like let's say it's a very strong ask if I'm going to make it mandatory then I we'll be making them available to low-income and high-risk groups.  Because when you make a mandate you have a correspondent responsibility to make things available to people who may not be able to afford them.

F*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f***

Somebody just asked him if the governor is saying that everything should open back up which it's looking now like he's going to then will you open everything back up and he's like well you know he's the governor so his rulings trump mine and everybody has to take responsibility for their own decisions but I just want to say that this virus has not gone away and we need testing.

The health department guys talking now and he's saying that if we could do track and trace we wouldn't need to shelter in place but we need more testing and he was talking about Singapore and how how Singapore locked everything down but then things started to level off and they open back up and then they had a big problem and they're studying that because it's a completely different culture and they want to see kind of what they did wrong and what they did right since that seems to be the direction the state is going.

Health department guy says this virus since you have the asymptomatic shedders You really have to be able to track and trace where there's no way to get ahead of it.

So I mean these people are all talking sense.

The mayor says he wants doctors to become vocal advocates for what is the best thing for public health because you know he knows they're busy and they're doing a lot of important stuff but they need to contribute to the political dialogue so that the politicians don't make decisions that are not in the interest of the doctors and then we all end up paying the price.

And now he's off to go to a virtual prom so I mean that's kind of nice and he was also driving around to churches and writing down license plates of people who were churches since they weren't locked down so they would know that he did not approve cuz he told him not to gather.

So I don't know if that really made me feel less nervous or not because even though the people locally seem to be sensible I don't have any faith in the governor man I miss Ann Richards

Okay so now I'm about crazy man talk in the press briefing

So I'm awake

And while I was asleep the Texas governor decided we're reopening everything

and the person he put in charge of the task force to reopen everything is the throw your grandparents on the funeral pyre guy

So I can't imagine that won't go well

poem: 4:16

to be clear
i have seen dead man
but
it's been a while
and
if i'm going for a western
probably
i should go for
something out of the ordinary

although
i remember seeing
i think it's called duel in the sun
with gregory peck
when i was a kid
and i don't remember
really anything about it
but
what i remember
i think
is that i'd get more out of it now
so
maybe
that would be a good one to watch as well

or

maybe not

nite chat: 4:16 [part 2]

that's what i should have watched
i should never listen to anyone
not anybody i know, anyway
i mean, it wasn't a bad movie
but
how much better would this have been

also
i really need to see

and

incredibly

i know i talk about my ghost dogs

but

i had them before the movie even came out

i got them

when i went on spring break

and i said to myself

where will no one go for spring break

fredricksburg

which was true then

but not any more

i stayed at the dietzel motel

and i had a type writer

and a big blank book

and paul simon's graceland

and i listened to it again and again

and typed out sections of lyrics

and cut out pictures from

i don't even know what

and made these meditative collages

of images and poetry from graceland

and

the food was a nightmare

because i was trying to be vegetarian

and at that point there was only texas german food

and

i bought the ghost dogs

and they have been spirit companions ever since

but they're  in a drawer now

because my cat always knocks them around

if he can get to them

i loved the whole album

but that song captured something for me

this is the story of how we begin to remember

this is the powerful pulsing of love in the veins

after the dream of falling and calling your name out

these are the roots of rhythm and the roots of rhythm remain

and the ghost dogs

they hold the memory of all that

how we begin to remember stuff

they are charged with that energy

i still have them

30ish years later

and i was very sad when i though the kitty had lost one

at work

they had a satellite radio station

or somethin

and it mostly had the same songs over and over

until you'd get so sick of them

that you couldn't like the song anymore

even if you'd liked it to begin with

and then periodically a few would drop off

and a few new ones would come on

although

they mostly weren't new

they were old ones coming back

and graceland was one of them

and

no matter how many times i heard it

i never lost the desire to hear it

there's a girl in nyc who calls herself the human trampoline

sometimes when i'm falling flying or tumbling in turmoil

i say whoah so this is what she means

i love you

i should really go ahead and write that poem

i guess

i should probably go to sleep

chocolate covered pretzels

are good btw

i

need

you

nite chat: 4:16 [part 1]

today was good
i had homemade nachos for dinner
no going out and with margaritas
but much smaller ones
the giant pickle jar margaritas are for bad bad days
plus i did end up only having one of them

i let someone talk me into watching the unforgiven
with clint eastwood
actually directed by him too
i was so gung ho on the west
i thought sure, western, why not
but it started with that horrible scene
where the whore gets her face all cut up
and
i just didn't bounce back from that
it was all about him
and his past
but
i was kinda like fuck that
so
i didn't enjoy it at all
i mean
i guess it was good
but
i didn't like it

i started those songs
because they were brought up for me
from the music played

i've apparently got the hn song coded
like we are the champions and we will rock you
or tainted love and where did our love go
hn just goes with jo
and you almost had to listen to jewel
but
she didn't hold up as well

so i listened to the briefing
texted my mom
watched a movie
was on social media

also
imperfect produce arrived
and i had to bleach everything
and
i have honest to god snacks
i have more chips (so i could have nachos again)
dark chocolate covered pretzels
dried mango
dried cherries
although the cherries might go in some oatmeal

my phone is trying to be helpful again
periodically google sends me an email
letting me know that my useless phone assistant is not
useless
your personal assistant can play you cooking music, try it
i punch the try it button
it is truly horrible music
still useless
what other cooking music ya got i ask her
i say her because she has a female sounding voice
and she has not mentioned anything about pronouns
she does her usual
here are some things i found
like on the internet
you have to be real careful how ya ask that one questions

please play some reggae music
that she gets
but
not very well
in fairness, she's not picking this shit out herself
ok, i think to myself
what is a type of music that i don't know much about
and so when they pull out their weak playlist
i will not be disappointed

please play me some dubstep

it was great
must learn more about dubstep
if that is the weak list, i want the A list
ok
i listened to three random songs
but still

for the record, here are the knives

https://www.etsy.com/listing/760644946/handforged-kitchen-knife-japanese-style?ref=user_profile&frs=1


https://www.etsy.com/listing/749331400/handforged-kitchen-knife-japanese-style?ref=user_profile&frs=1


and
i have a coupon
which is probably what started the
whole internal debate

poem: /word/ 4:15

today
was a weird day
and i hope that none of
the next few days are like today
not at all
like the emotionally fucked up day
that was today that's what i say

tomorrow
will be a wonder of a day
like none we've seen recently
tomorrow will fly like the thunderbird
with a mighty cry, frightening the wicked
and not just the wicked ones
the evil energy too
that would bring
sadness
to me
and
you

nite chat: 4:15 [part 2]

ok
i feel better now
i might want another drink
but
i'm much calmer
so
maybe my hormones are off a little
or
maybe i'm about to have a period
who knows
regardless
i ate some tuna and crackers
which is the closest thing to stress eating i could manage
i had the large margarita
i watched some calming videos
i still feel stressed
but i do not feel like i'm going to rip out my hair
or run screaming from the building
so
incremental improvement is acceptable

i have always had the dreaming thing
i told you when i was a kid
it was like i had trouble getting back
i've always had stuff that talked to me
when i was four
standing on the tree
and something was talking to me
i thought it was the tree

later
after i'd learned some stuff about god
i thought it was god
but it never said it was god
so
maybe it's spirit guides
idk

when i went to the tarot reader
in santa cruz
who was psychic
they were tellin her stuff
and she was interpreting
she couldn't just say what they said
and her interpretations were not accurate
but the stuff they said was
but, ya know
then you have to wait for it to make sense
i've never been one to throw in a bunch
if i have a strong feeling, fine
but if i don't know
i just say
idk what that means

like she told me all that stuff about the angels
and that made me think she was full of shit
because i don't believe in angels
but
it turned out it was the angel tarot
in the reading i got later

that was the message
also
the five golden rings
she was trying to make it the olympics
but i knew what that was then

a lot of the stuff
that the green witch was saying
about looking up spells and making them personal
but then eventually working your own spells
or whatever
the point is you can make em up
well, i never called what i was doing spells
and i still don't think they're spells
but
for example
if
i'm going to cross a busy street that i think is a dangerous situation
or i'm feeling nervous about driving
or something where i need physical protection
i don't just ask god to protect me
i visualize a cocoon-like thing winding up around me
so i'm completely surrounded by white light silk thread
no body taught me to do that
i do it instinctively

that sigil hand gesture that i did when you were hurt
i thought it through
but
i didn't "learn" it anywhere
probably somebody else does it
because it makes sense
but, ya know

i don't think of myself as a witch
i think of myself as a shaman
although
shaman is a position that
1)  trains with the previous shaman
2)  is defined in relation to a tribe or something like not a solitary practitioner
3)  has a much more performative role than i am comfortable with

so
idk if it makes any sense to think of myself as that
although
i  do

and then
i've got that whole thing with the quetz'l
that doesn't fit in with any of that
i don't know what's up with that
i wouldn't make it up
because it feels very culturally appropriating
like i feel slightly uncomfortable talking about it
but
it's there
whether it's politically correct or not

and how does that fit in with god
good question
or shamanism
no idea

i link this for interest not because i've fact checked it

ok
well it's getting late
i should write that poem and get to bed

I guess just because I'm moving around doesn't mean I have to stop writing

I felt really good when I got up this afternoon

But now I feel like I want to cry

And I'm not sure if that's just because of the human interactions I've had today

Or if something else is going on with me

But it hasn't been that long

how did I go from feeling like I had made some sort of psychological breakthrough

To feeling like I now had to be afraid for my life

S*** sucks this sucks

And I feel like I have an interacted enough with you today that you're going to be feeling neglected

And it wasn't my intention to do that

I also don't know how what I did took up all day

Amounts not that uncommon of an occurrence now but it's starting to kind of worry me

I mean was I with me all day

I talked to people

I made a barley stew

I was on social media a bunch

I was on Etsy for a long time looking at knives

Like chef's knives I don't need any more knives

But I was debating there's this knife maker guy that I like and I was debating well if I got this knife would that be a lot like the other knives if I got this knife would that be different than the other knives

And I don't need any knives

And I cannot afford to be buying stuff

I might need to have a drink

I just do not seem to be able to get my s*** together today I don't understand I was doing so good I woke up I was happy

I had a headache

But apparently that's just a thing

The weather is beautiful just beautiful it's cool there's breeze it's really nice but did I go for a walk I did not go for a walk what did I do

I don't know

and when I have a huge chunk of my day just disappear I say to myself I start saying things to myself like could you have some sort of multiple personality disorder

like is maybe another personality coming out and taking over your day and that's where you went

But I don't think that's accurate

I mean I wouldn't know I guess

And certainly I have different perspectives in my head but I don't think any of them are taken over and eating up my time

I think that's like maybe a paranoid neurotic kind of worry by someone who

Hell I don't know whatever the f*** I'm like

I was supposed to be happy all day damn it and I feel cheated

And it's not your fault

And I'm not trying to gripe at you I'm just talking

And normally I wouldn't tell you this kind of stuff but I'm trying to tell you my whole stream of consciousness now

So I don't know I think I'm going to have to compose more discipline and I really don't want to do that

And I don't really want to be drunk

What I really want is to be stoned

But that's not legal

And I don't have illegal access

so even if I wanted to break the law which I'm not saying I do

I could not

So tequila it is

nite chat: 4:15 [part 1]

ok
i didn't listen to the press briefing
but
i did get a briefing from my
end of the world friend
and
i'm considering
not listening
to any more briefings

also
my mom went on and on
about how we can go on a trip together
and
she wants, of course, to go to sanibel
which is a long fucking drive
and, also, i don't want to go on a trip with her
and, also, it is not safe to go on trips

wtf is going on
everybody is acting like
the country is opening back up tomorrow
my end of the world friend
is gleefully describing the stacks of maga corpses
that are gonna happen when everything
opens back up before the peak is even through
i'm just worried the twc
is gonna try to make me take a grocery store job
and my mother is suggesting we fly to europe

i don't want to talk to people

i'm still writing this
but i need to walk around for a minute

the only reason in texting her every day
is that i don't trust her to not be dead
not because
i want a bunch of contact