I just woke up from a dream because I had to pee and I wanted to try to get some of it down
So those one section where they were going to get this official to sign something they wanted him to sign by doing this very elaborate stopping some place and having him sign paperwork at a podium while he was talking to somebody which seems far fetched but in the dream I thought it had maybe a 30% chance of success and I was going to help him somehow
Then there was another section where it was me but it wasn't me it was somebody who was maybe a little bit younger than me but not a lot she was maybe like 45 and she was tanned and she had very bleached hair she kind of reminded me of this woman I used to work with at Starbucks named Jan back in the early days when I was first a manager and I was sitting in some kind of a diner and I was talking to this guy who was rich and he had this history of investing in certain types of businesses like one of them was coffee shops and he invested in them not so much because he wanted them as an investment but because he wanted a place he could go that was like you know his special little place or something and I was trying to work him somehow and I don't remember most of the conversation but one line was like what are you going to do when you run out of coffee shops and he's like do you have a coffee shop cuz I guess he sort of knew me enough to know I had this history with coffee shops and I'm like I don't but I might
and then there was the section at the end and it might have been connected with that I'm uncertain but on the radio there was a song playing and it was like I think a famous song or a famous band but it was like when I have my death day party
anyway that's it and I did this all on narration so it's probably garbage yeah I just said gobbledygook and it put garbage so God knows what it did to the rest of it hopefully this is good enough that I'll be able to tell what it says
i live in the ether
between the raindrops
my atoms scatter out
to the four winds
to the seven seas
i'm not contained in this body
and the more i try
to be contained
the more
i hurt
i don't want to be coherent, cohesive, controlled, cataloged, caught
i'm meant to be a wild thing
i've been
for the last few years
so caged by the circumstances, some of my own doing, some not
i haven't written poems, haven't had the soul for it, sold for it not
i'm an old woman
and a little girl
it's the maiden
escapes me
wind
you're meant
to carry me away
with turbulence and
mellow breezes alike
you're meant to lift me off
maybe like a leaf swirling swirling smashing into a tree
maybe like a puff of dandelion scattering dancers on the breeze
but
where are the desert references
where would we be
without we dance
beneath the milky way in the way
only possible on the ocean floor of prehistoric imagination
desert floor blooming in my mind, and the colors run and jump
to become a desert wind
and round and round again
until for closure's sake we must
finally finally
consumate
in a tent, so best
not wait too long
that shit
is not
getting
more comfortable
so
i said i was taking two weeks off
and that's almost up
monday
i have to figure out some new
selling my old stuff on poshmark or ebay
starting a youtube channel
idk something
i thought i had gotten back to myself
but idk about today
today was
i thought maybe going to be promising
with journeying
but then
there was texting mom
and other distractions
and maybe i shouldn't listen to those briefings
and now
i'm sort of panicked again
so my journey was interrupted
and i was about to go take them again
but
i thought maybe i owed you coherency
so imma write a little bit first
then dose
then write some more
i unfollowed that shaman-y chick
and i accepted the follow requests from the people
i worked with that were private accounts
i don't want to mess up my feed
but
i mean
wtf
they're people i care about
i can look at their pictures
in my feed
i'd rather go look at them
all at once
keeping it separate from my feed
but
i don't have that as an option
so fine
i am weird
but i'm not really using it as social media
or
rather
i sort of am
but just for new friends i'm making
but mostly still magazine
i have my feed set up
where almost every picture is
like, like, like, like, like
and
i don't really want my old job
reminders
new life
but
*shrug*
this all makes me sound like a bitch, right
anyway
i was just now in my facebook feed
and i hate it
idk why exactly
but
someone had a post
the song that was the number one hit
the day you were born
is your quarantine theme
and i thought
huh
wonder what that was
so i looked it up
so that's like a sign
things
might get rough
but
that's a sign
and
i'm gonna start writing
something more structured
i'm still gonna write this
[and whose to say this doesn't turn into
something more structured later]
but
i probably need to stop floating and make myself
act like i know what i'm doing
i wanna float
but
the new thing doesn't immediately become lucrative
right
gotta figure this all out
because there isn't money to move to the country yet
and
also
don't know where i'm going
like geographically
or anything
my cat
has almost adjusted to the change
he's very confused
and he's been picking up on my anxiety
but
he's settled back into sleeping
on the blanket
about three feet from me
when he gets freaked out
he sleeps under my chair
he's a sweet boy
and hasn't cut me much
yesterday i was petting him
and i said don't get all riled up
because he does
and then he has to bite and scratch
he gets over stimulated
and
after i said that
i could see the concentration on his face
he was really trying
and that's not new
but
i don't think i've told you about it before
and besides
it really touched me
i figured out what to do about the bra situation
i had these two bras
which i ordered
and i couldn't fasten them up
i wasn't sure if they were too small
or if my arms just weren't flexible enough
because it wasn't a regular bra
it was a camisole bra
but with support
so there was more
arms behind your back-ness needed
than usual
and i almost sent them back
but at that point
i thought i was losing a bunch of weight
which now may or may not
end up being the case
but
today
i thought
i'll just give that bra a try
i believe it would be just the thing
if i can get it on
and
arms all the way back
up and down the like five latches
no problem
so
that's cool
i don't feel good about today in gerneral though
today felt wasted
i'm going to leave this here
and
i just checked
and myrka has no pictures on instagram
she must just have the account so she can look at pictures
so
that works out fine
and
i kinda wish she had pictures
am i not just the damndest thing?!
daniel hasn't responded back yet
but i saw him on facebook
and it's all just gonna be cute pictures of his kids
i slept in
i didn't really mean to
but i went down deep
i had a bunch of dreams too
but i can't remember any of them
i did the poke root + motherwort again
but i added wild alaskan rose oil (hemp oil)
and
thet seemed to do the trick
no weird stuff
but i barely made it in the bed
before i passed out
and then
when i got up to pee
i didn't really wake up
i finally got up
like less than an hour ago
my flower essences are here
i already have dosed them
four drops of each in some water
i don't know if i feel different
i feel different generally
like there's more space inside my body
[i have to clarify
i don't mean that's how i feel
like specifically now
but have been feeling
for the last few days]
i had to get up and stretch
i'm physically restless
and
very a.d.d. today
i haven't even been up that long
i feel like
my spirit is trying to go somewhere
and it doesn't want to have to focus on
staying grounded
my chest was hurting today
and i'm all like
omg, the rona got my heart
but then i'm like shut up fool
you haven't worn a bra for like four or five days
your muscles are probably just sore
and i've had a bra on
since like 4:30 this afternoon
and viola no more chest pain
it is a little tight
but i can't tell that that's any reason for concern
i can breathe
maybe i'll sleep in the bra
i hate bras
i couldn't really focus today
i keep thinking about john prine
i wanted to pray for him
but i wasn't sure what to say
ok god, i said
i'm not sure what's best for him
i guess it depends on a lot of circumstances
that i don't know anything about
but
i don't want him to die
the idea of him dying makes me
just really sad
and i know he's lived a long life
but
he's got more to contribute to the world
right
god's not talking to me about that
i hope you are doing ok
the trip out to the grocery pick up
was more than enough outside for me today
but
i might need to go for a walk
i just can't focus
i've got to get the anxiety under control
sunflower
dandelion
marigold/calendula
elecampane
that's what i'm up to for fairly certain
they're all yellow flowered weeds
sunflower doesn't seem to be medicinal to people
only bees
but the other ones are
i'm having anxiety
i mean
on my surface i'm boppin along just fine
move along nothin to see here
but
inside
there's some roiling action going on
i'm having a big question about my psychic thing
saying everything's ok
how can that be right
then
i'm looking at the shaman in training that i follow on instagram
and, i mean, i'm not even sure i think she's trying
to be a shaman
what i really believe is that she wants to engage in
and lead "drug" ceremonies
not just ayahuasca
but i don't see her doing anything else
i would call shaman-y
so i'm not exactly hanging on her every word
but
she is going pretty hard on the not really a problem
with the zombie flu
like it's all a hoax to take our freedoms away
and
it's making me want to unfollow her
i'm definitely sympathetic to that mindset, generally
but
i started out thinking this was no big deal
looking at the "statistics" that were on the ground
back in february
but as stuff started to come out of milan
the information on the ground
didn't seem to support those "statistics"
and
this morning
my twitter feed
and i know, i know
twitter is not necessarily an accurate reflection of life
but it was blowing up with people in nyc
talking about their loved ones who died last night
and none of these people are dying with their loved ones at their sides
and
i'm gonna have to get this at some point
and i am afraid now
i've continued taking the poke root
i took it the first day
then not the next day
and i've taken it every night since
so, like, three or four times
one drop every time
i feel like it's improving my physical condition
whatever that is
and then last night
i decided to try something
i added 5 drops (which is a very small dose)
of motherwort
which has no toxicity and is good for anxiety
and is heart strengthening
and is good for "woman stuff"
i thought i might be about to start my period
and i'm worried about the virus hitting my heart
so i thought
focus the medicine on these two areas
that i'm concerned about
and then
i lay down in bed
and my heart did weird stuff
i've had it race before
that's a woman thing apparently
but this was not that
it felt like it was off rhythm
and it freaked me out a little
but then
i'm like
it's 5 fucking drops
whatever it is
it's not gonna kill ya
and then
i fell instantly to sleep
that's one of the things ya gotta know about me
i just pass out
i don't usually drift off
i'm like awake
and then
i'm out
i woke up
happy
with a gratitude for life
and all it's beauty
that, seriously dude, i never have
much less wake up with
and so
i'm not really sure how to take that as healer feedback
scary heart stuff
then
heart bursting with joy
maybe it had to clear out some shit
idk
but this is turning out to be
a very freaky
quarantine
i've been searching around
i haven't got
coherent thoughts
i will post something
still floating
Ok
I've been up
for a little while
I stretched out my left shoulder
in quite a satisfying way
I don't seem to have found the analogue
for the right one
I'm gonna take a shower
and then grab some coffee
I love you sweetheart
Stayed up too late
Sleeping in a little bit
I'll be up soon like maybe another 30 minutes
Monday, March 30, 2020
goodnight sweetheart
i'll talk to you tomorrow
probably getting up early again
had somewhat limited success with
not being on the computer all day
my end of the world friend says
painful eye muscles is one of the symptoms
occum's razor dude
shut up
today is day 10
well, 10 and 1/2 now
don't tell me some shit about eye muscle pain
anyway
whatever
i hope you're doing well
i love you very much
so
i have food pickup scheduled
at the heb tomorrow
between 5:30 and 6pm
which was the soonest i could get
they claim to have soy milk
and bread
and broccoli
the eggs were $7.
so i'm going to try to get those from imperfect produce
i'm not quite out of eggs
i'm really jones'n for a mushroom cream cheese omelet
i think between the two places
i might be able to make that happen by friday
imperfect produce has strawberries
doesn't that sound amazing
and lettuce
no cucumbers either place
i have chickpeas and beans
and some canned goods
so
i mean
i'll be ok if the fresh food supply chain breaks down
for a while
but
if that happens
i'm going down to one small meal a day
to preserve supplies
so
i won't be too happy then
mmmmmmm
salad with dressing made from fresh lemon and cilantro and olive oil
with red onion
all that can be mine
possibly as early as thursday night
and
i just had a pear and an orange
what do you think of that?!
i have a bunch of containers of water in the kitchen
in case i needed water
and they have been working
in two spots on the street
but
as far as i can tell
the water hasn't gone out
i ran down to the mailbox in a panic
because i was gonna check the mail
and i forgot until right at 9:00
and
i had a big debate about whether i should wait
because what if i got back from checking mail
and couldn't wash my hands?!
but
i reasoned that
probably
the water wouldn't go off instantly at 9:00
i was right whew
i'm a fan of getting up at old regular time
i think the nine and ten hours of sleep days are great
but my regular five or six feels good
when i'm caught up on sleep
i don't think going to bed early enough
to get nine or ten hours
and then get up at 6:30
is in any way possible
that would be
go to bed at 8:30
i didn't even do that when i was a small child
not even deborah
thought it was possible to make me go to bed
before 9:00
and then
all they could do was make me
go to my room
get into bed
with the light off
it
took me at least an hour
to think all the thoughts in my head
before i could fall asleep
i'm getting eye strain from being on the computer all day
every day
so
gonna try to not do that today
sorry for the sloppy copying
i didn't want to just link to my receipt
wasn't 100% sure that wouldn't allow
unwanted access to all
i think it was the vortex angle
that really grabbed me
i walked right by a datura flower essence
from wildroots apothecary
with only a twinge of interest
and datura always catches my attention because
this disc of this album
is forever tattoo'd onto my heart
from the road trip i listened to it on
so
that ties in there too
and
with the whole sunflower thing
i knew it needed to be
i was thinking spanish
but spanish
is spanish
and what i needed was
as it turned out
nahuatl
which was chimalxochitl
but
that turned out to be tied to the sun cult
and human sacrifice
and huitzilopochtli
the god of war
so
i'm all like no no no
and i did a search for chimalxochitl + quetzalcoatl
ok
so i did a kind of shaman-y thing
i guess yesterday
i bought some flower essences
now before you say
that's not very shaman-y
all flakey new age chicks buy flower essences
or
what the hell is a flower essence
or
how is a flower essence shaman-y
let me tell you
i've been seeing flower essences
it feels like everywhere
all of a sudden
and it's probably because i'm looking for tinctures
and if you make tinctures
you might also make flower essences
but
i have found myself to be very dismissive of the whole
flower essence experience
and
i'm not sure why i'm having that reaction
when i was a teenager i discovered the whole bach's flower essence system
at the health food store
and i tried a bunch of them
and
i never felt like any of them did anything
except the rescue remedy
which i found to be incredibly effective
especially in the spray and the cream formats
i'm pretty sure i had those in my medicine cabinet
throughout my twenties
but
by my thirties
i was swayed by the stronger effectiveness of herbal supplements
that i never really looked back
but then yesterday
or the day before i'm not 100% sure now
someone i follow on instagram was recommending
other makers they love
and one of them was a flower essence maker
and i trust them
if they say the shit works
i believe it
so i was intrigued and i liked the name
and it turned out to be a guy
which also intrigued me
because i think of flower essences as being
ya know
pretty heavily weighted toward women
[dr bach notwithstanding]
so
interest piqued i looked through his wares
and i don't need to be spending money
but
read these and tell me i wasn't gonna buy them
1)
For those of us who have struggled with deep rooted ancestral patterns such as addiction, alcoholism, depression etc., this essence unravels the generations of ancestral karma and societal conditioning we have endured. Joshua Tree grants is a new beginning, a better sense of identity and a rebirth into a joyous life ahead.
During the Summer of 2018, I received a distinct calling to travel throughout the American Southwest and make a collection at various vortices. A vortex is an amplified energy point on Earth where people usually experience things like joy, tranquility, insight, emotional or physical healing amongst other things. These areas are known to be great spiritual sites, a lot of times with beautiful scenery that our ancestors revered for healing and ceremonial purposes. Paranormal activity is also very common amongst these sites. This collection will always hold a special place in my heart for the immense and also intense, emotional and spiritual healing it has given me. I invite you to explore the unknown mystery of the American Southwest vortices.
Flower essences are water infused energy patterns or vibrations of the flower stabilized in alcohol. They are used to help us with emotional imbalance. The flower being the highest manifestation of the plant, holds the powerful vibration and essence of the plant. When taken, the essence raises our vibration, expands our consciousness and clears our energy fields of negativity. This helps clear the physical body of any imbalance.
A healthy body vibrates between 62-68 MHz. When our vibration reaches 58 MHz or lower, we become susceptible to sickness and ailments. The goal is to maintain a high and healthy vibration so that we can decrease the risk of our emotional imbalances reaching our physical body and creating disharmony.
I handcraft my essences in Santa Fe, New Mexico using filtered water and preserve them with local Santa Fe Apple Brandy. Each bottle is also charged with Reiki Energy. I only use flowers in the wild or in my own garden, free from car pollution and pesticides. I connect to each plant speaking with the devas or "spirits". Once I've made the Mother essence, I work with the essence to develop a true understanding of the medicine being offered. Note* This is not a tincture!
2)Known for its hallucinogenic properties on a physical level, this plant is ready to take you into the unknown with its energetic flower essence properties. Sacred Datura is a safety blanket of sorts, one you wear when you know you have to deal with darker forces. It shields us in such away, that maybe we are no longer here. Maybe we can now travel into other dimensions and see things in a new light. It helps us shift into newness during times of transition, shamanic journeys or meditation. Let this essence take you on a wild, inter-dimensional ride!
(This is a flower essence. There are no physical parts of the plant present).During the Summer of 2018, I received a distinct calling to travel throughout the American Southwest...
So this press conference is the first one where it seems like the orange one has been touched by a reality
I'm not saying he seems presidential or that I feel at all confident with him at the head of the ship
But at least it seems like he might have realized that something is actually going on that he should be concerned about
And I guess that's something
I'm awake
I had a bad headache and I was having so many exciting dreams that I just went back to sleep when I woke up but I'm awake now
i'm starting to see it now
it's not completely in focus
but, ya know, like with the puzzle and the edges
or something like that
pick your metaphor
a big giant clump of sunflowers
when i was a kid
sometimes we'd drive by a vacant lot
and there would be sunflowers
so big
towering over us
and we'd have to stop
because
even though that happened sometimes
it didn't happen all that often
now
now i can't remember the last time i saw
even one of those giant sunflowers
and i
i am going to live in a world
which is anchored by them
will they be off in one corner
will they be interspersed
i'm not sure yet
but
i do know there will be enough of them
to support life
sunflowers are weeds
they don't need special farmering to survive
and so they will be the rock upon which i build my foundation
sunflower sprouts
sunflower seed butter
antibiotics for the bees
maybe
maybe it's an earth sheltered house
and you come up out from the sunflowers
and you get some of that james and the giant peach action
idk
just
sunflowers
i don't see a big spread
it feels more like a big garden
someplace temperate
where you get a lot of growing season
produce the food
can it
dry it
freeze it
idk
but there's just a souciant
of prepper in there now
there are goats
but
i don't want to eat the goats
i am not a person who is willing to raise animals
just to kill them
or sell them to someone else who will kill them
so i may not be able to have a billy goat
i may have to just have female goats
and figure out how to breed them infrequently
because i cannot have a huge heard of goats
but
there are so many vegetable scraps
carrot tops
radish tops
that i will enjoy adding in to their diet
and
i will find nice chickens
while i feel insecure about my ability to grow food
i feel much more confident about my relationship with animals
can i handle
goats and chickens and bees
possibly not
maybe
i start with the bees
although
eggs and cheese
those seem like a good idea
but
i don't want to overwhelm myself
i can do more in my head
than i can irl
typically
i see it how i want it to be
but
there's always a learning curve
but
the sunflower flag is planted
that is the one great step chimalxochitl
perhaps
i read a lot of personal narratives
on twitter last nite before i went to be
so
i'm in a kind of trying to keep the spirits up mood today
the poke has kinda worn off
i don't feel bad
but
i don't feel very alive
maybe just a tiny tingle of it left
i had strange dreams
i stopped at a donut shop
it wasn't open
because the person with the keys hadn't showed up
but there were employees
all gathered out front
so
i went next door
and james spader was behind the counter
he looked at me
recognized me
and said
pound cake? cheese cake?
no no, i said
that's a largely apocryphal tale
what do you have that's new
and he picks up this fairly large disc shaped thing
that was maybe a coffee cake
with maybe some berries
but also one of those weird
geletinized layers that you find in japanese deserts
which are great in context
but seemed out of place with this coffee cake thing
so i walked to the side to wait for my drink
and there were so many people waiting
it was a crowd of people
and they were complaining about having to wait
and
i'm like
you know you can make your own coffee at home, right
i'm having 12 grain bread with peanut butter
and
this bread i got from imperfect produce
they carry a few pantry items
i looked for bread because sometimes they have dave's killer 21 grain
but
what they had was sprouted raisin bread
so i thought, hey it'll give me a more desert-y item
that's what i thought
but
it is the healthiest tasting bread i've ever had
dense, no sweetness, no cinamon that i can detect
the raisins only bring it up to the level of sweetness
that you'd expect in regular bread
i am really into it
i think it's vegan too
because i read the ingredients
and there's no mention of eggs or milk
but there is prune juice
also
it is made in a facility which is free from peanuts
or tree nuts, and there was something else
there is, however, gluten
i'm keeping it in the fridge
because bread like that will grow mold fast
haven't really gotten any news today
my briefing just said
meghan mccain is having an existential crisis
So no pokeroot tincture tonight
Today I'm doing propolis tincture and reishi tincture and the feather catcher immune support tincture
All immune boosters but none specific
And we'll see how I feel when I get up in the morning
I bet I'm not going to feel as good as I felt when I got up this morning
But I don't feel bad now
And although I could not manage to cough up what I felt like I had in me that I needed to cough up from allergies and whatnot I don't think I've been coughing today so in general I think I'm in pretty good shape and today was day 7 I think
I may go Sunday or Monday to do curbside pickup at the grocery store to get some more soy milk and fresh food stuffs
I guess if I'm driving to the store and I'm popping the trunk open and they're putting it in and then I'm coming home I'm not having any contact I just have whatever contamination is on the box
when I was walking around I was staying way more than 6 ft away from people I don't think 6 ft is nearly far enough
and Monday the water is going to be off from 9:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. because they're doing some kind of work on the water mains which is super inconvenient when you're home all day but there's clearly some kind of leak so and and there's not going to be any time when there are going to be a bunch of people home so it's not like there's anything they can really do about that
This is all pretty weird
But I guess the most ironic thing is that since I now order my toilet paper from mail I always get a whole bunch of it at a time so I'm not really in any danger of running out of toilet paper which seems to be everybody's biggest fear I mean it's hysterical the restaurants here on their take out stuff are saying hey if you order will give you a roll of toilet paper with it I've seen a bunch of places doing that
But also this building has pretty old plumbing and so I've had to learn to use as little toilet paper as possible anyway so that the toilet will flush it down so that's all been conspiring in my favor as it turns out
I'm going to bed now I hope you're doing well I love you very much
i just want to point out
the poke root is zipped up in a first aid kit
and it is a different size anything else in that kit
the tinctures i'm taking regularly
are out on my table
they is no possible way that i could
get them mixed up
also
i have a tendency to triple check things
but
the possibility of a mix up
is why it will remain zipped up tight
do not worry
i had an apple
i was leaning pear
but then i went apple
it was really good
what are your favorite vegetables?
like i'm trying to imagine this garden i have
where i suddenly have the ability to grow things
which is not a talent i've observed in myself heretofore
what are the some not large number of vegetables that i'd grow
i'm not 100% sure
collard greens
broccoli
i think avocado might be my favorite
but that won't grow everywhere and also
i think the tree takes a while to mature
but
just imagine having an avocado tree
and a citrus tree
like, in your yard
what kind of paradise would that be
cucumber
tomato
maybe a variety of lettuces
tomatoes are tricky
maybe i could trade for those
goat cheese for tomatoes-- that seems fair, right
peas
green beans
some type of squash
i mean maybe summer squash and winter squash
also i forgot
if i'm doing a whole sunflower thing
then sunflower sprouts too
brussels sprouts are one of my favorites
and they are the most beautiful thing ever on the stem
you've seen them, right
if i'm having soup then i need carrots and celery
but idk if i need to grow those things
i feel like i wouldn't eat enough of them
unless i juiced the celery
carrots are very sweet to me
i like em
but only really in small doses
although, pickled
so idk
i feel like my most eaten veggies are
peas
broccoli
collard greens
brussels sprouts
and
salad type veggies
avocado
lettuce
cucumber
tomato
potato i like
and i do eat
but i eat more brown rice now
i do enjoy a nice roasted mixed root vegetables
and i really like beets
i rarely buy them
but
if i grew them i would definitely eat them
and
i guess
the trick is
when do you grow what
so you've got stuff to eat all the time
and
canning
canning kinda scares me
i didn't grow up doing that
onions and garlic
it's just fun to think about
i revived an old playlist to add new stuff to
none of that will be interesting to you
i'm not recommending it to you
i may have some more nite chat
but that's all for right now
ok
low level of sexual arousal
remains unabated
but
i think i recognize this feeling
i think
unless i'm crazy
this is what it used to feel like
to be alive
but
omg
i want you in me
today might be distracting
i'm having four pieces of toast
instead of two
two with sunflower butter
two with regular cow butter
and coffee wit soy milk
my head does hurt a little
in fairness
but
i think that's weather related
and it's not new
toast is delicious
i love toast
i still have bread and soy milk
and today
today i am going
at some point
to have a piece of fruit
i'm not kidding, i'm fucking giddy
is it possible
that my depression and low
to non-existent sexual desire issues
we somehow related to my lymphatic system?!
that seems far fetched
and yet
even knowing that the world is in bad shape
ok
so i'm going to try something
i got this herbal first aid kit
it has echinea tincture
which i may need
it has plantain salve
which i probably don't need
i have a bunch of salve
but
it's supposed to be like nature's band aid
so i am curious to try it
it has motherwort
which reduces anxiety
and also helps with menopause-y hormone stuff
it has yarrow spray
which is a styptic
but would also make a good throat spray
because it's anti-blah balh
it has st john's wort oil
which is supposed to be good for pain topically
skullcap which is supposed to be helping you sleep
but i also happen to know it is anti spasmotic
very helpful with cramping
and that it does not lessen sexual desire
which was what i bought it for back twenty years ago and more
and
it has poke root
now poke root is slightly toxic
but
it will clear infections
and clean the lymph
several herbalists have listed it as an end of the world
medical kit must
and
i'm thinking it's something i'll take
if i get the zombie flu
but
i don't really want to wait to take it until i'm dying
and
i do have some congestion
which i've almost cleared with the elderberry and elecampane
but
i'm gonna try out the poke root tincture
and i thought about it
and you take one drop in a glass of water
which might not really be enough
but imma not push it
so
imma take this one drop in a glass of water
before i go to bed
and then when i get up
i will go for a walk
to help circulate my lymph
and we'll just see what it does
i will not take a bunch of other stuff
i'm being respectful of the medicine
i'm telling you about it
but
you should not worry
there is no way this is too much
for a normal weight person
which i am not
it's an experiment
i've tried all the other tinctures
it see how they work with my body
and i need to try this one too
ok
so what i did
i didn't think that was fair
just say hey i'm doing this thing that might be
a little sketchy
and by the way goodnight
so what i did
was i took it and i've waited for it to have long enough
to have an effect
and
it has
and i think i feel something
but it might be psychosomatic
it feels a little buzzy
in my lymph nodes
just a little
and
there's a foggy alertness
not dissimilar to alcohol
this is probably psychosomatic
but anyway
i'm fine
so
there's no need to worry
i just thought
ya know
even though it should be safe
better to try it while i still have health insurance
and am right around the corner from a medi clinic
that isn't yet full of corona virus medical emergency
so much more cautious
than when i was young
although
i was probably never
super reckless
so
we'll see if it does anything
i love you very much sweetheart
sorry
that took a super long time
the imperfect produce was delivered
and i had to wash everything
it wasn't even that much
previously
in my life
the way i washed vegetables
and i'm not saying this is right
was to run them under water
like
to wash off any loose dirt
but
i've never used even veggie wash
maybe i soaked things
many of my dreams were in foreign language
i was trying to get an advanced degree in math
or maybe physics
but
in, say, hungarian
then i was on the street
and people were speaking spanish
i can get a little spanish
it depends
in my imaginary future home
i have a huge patch of sunflowers
sunflowers have something in them that's like
antibiotics for bees
and then too
sunflower butter
i'm trying to compile a list of herbs
that i can grow
and it turns out
lots of herbs are good for multiple things
it gives me something to research, for sure
when i was growing up
i always kinda imagined i'd be a post apocalyptic healer woman
and maybe i've just revived that fantasy
but
when i saw
i think it was children of man
those people with the safe house
and the strawberry cough weed
i thought
yeah, kinda like that
although
that was a lot fancier
and less healer woman
but
still
it resonated
you look good
i love you very much
I'm awake
I slept through my alarm
or
more likely
I turned it off
crazy dreams
crazy
goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much
i'll talk to you in the morning
but not super early
because it's late
so the weirdest thing in all of this
is that
still
what i'm getting psychically
is
everything is fine
you are where you are supposed to be
everything is fine
today i had miso soup with dry toast
i really pulled out the stops on the miso
in addition to the stuff i used last time
i added a roasted dandelion root tea bag and
cumin powder, and umeboshi vinegar
just so it would have all the tastes
and extra nutrients
it was really good
i haven't really heard a lot of news today
i did hear that the cheesecake factory is leading the revolution
ok
i got a briefing
$500 billion for the corporations
we don't need oversight of any kind
sure no problem
$600. for a worker
must be a typo
and then they're all going home
no more help
no more bravely leading the "wartime"
and
in new york they are bringing in refrigerated trucks
to use as morgues
so let me start by saying
i love you
i went down a rabbit hole today
and didn't do as much talking as i intended
but
i have a plan for my exercise system
as much as i like tahitian dance
i've never quite mastered it
so
i think that isn't going to be the focus
and as much as i like working out with videos
that's a little problematical
unless i move my laptop around
which i don't really want to do
so
i can use my phone, absolutely
but that's pretty small
so my plan is to use the videos
but just sort of as reference
working toward designing routines
that i can do in like twenty minute segments
multiple times a day
some more exercise-y
and then some more like dance routines
that i can just do with music
so i'm more or less just dancing around
i think that will be the most fun
i don't want to do anything that builds muscle
and i do want to increase flexibility and core strength
so i think calisthenics and pilates are the way to go
with the excercise-y bit
and
the dance part will be kinda a blend
i have to kinda work out choreography
so maybe i need to pick some music
this might end up being really fun
i just have to actually develop the habit
of getting up and doing exercises
i love you very much
i feel less worried
please be safe
goodnight sweetheart
ok
so
the county shut down all non-essential business
i'm not sure if that was because the city wouldn't
or if that was just to emphasize scope
there are a bunch of little cities
that aren't technically even suburbs or anything
within the city of houston
and they have differing rules
about what houston can tell them
but they're all within the county
so it might be that
or the city might not have been willing
because there has been quite a bit of
houston is open for business
kind of crap
i haven't hear any briefings yet for the day
i have been tooling around on the internet
i'm getting myself more worried
and now the idea of you going out and playing tennis
stuff like that seems too risky
i'm not telling you what to do
you're a grown man
and you need exercise
and whatever
but it worries me
i'm going to pretend you aren't doing that
i'm going to pretend you do p90x or somethin
i'm trying to decide if i should go for a walk again today
there's a really pretty neighborhood if i walk west instead of north
but
i feel kinda creepy walking through a neighborhood
i mean the walk yesterday was mixed use neighborhood
so some residential apts and townhomes
but lots of businesses too
walking through a little neighborhood of families
with kids playing in the yard and such
doesn't feel right to me
and
i mean
i guess i could walk up fountainview
but that's a busy street
with no shade cover
and it's almost 90 degrees
that's not gonna be fun
so
idk
maybe i'll just exercise
i thought it would be great to have two weeks off
i thought
oh i'll take a little vacation first
but it's been not more than five days
and i wish i was working
just from a moving around standpoint
i may look for a virtual museum tour or something
so i can be having the visual stimulus
of walking around, at least
i wish i was in a trailer in marfa
although
if i'm doing medicine woman stuff
i may need to be in the woods
and i never wanted to live in the woods
the wood seemed more dangerous
because you can't see things comin at ya
although
trees
so idk
i'm not sunburned
the mineral powder did an ok job
when i was walking
a lady bug landed on me
and i saw a monarch butterfly
so it seems like it was a lucky walk
i have some fruit coming on thursday or friday
from the imperfect produce
which i have been skipping
but had the foresight not to cancel
i really want fruit
more than cakes or cookies or any kind of junk
what i really want is a piece of fruit
i didn't buy any
because, as a rule, i don't eat that much fruit
unless i'm specifically doing it for lunches or something
and i had gotten burned out on it
now
now i'm craving it
i'm grateful for tinctures
that lingering lung thing
is almost gone
that's a few days
the usnea tincture from keetnafarms
tastes so much more alive than the other one
they seem like very good people
and their tinctures are very effective
but they are more alcohol-y tasting
and they seem more like medicine than life force
i want to make tinctures
i always wanted to raise goats
and maybe chickens
and bees
but now i want to be a full on
what?! witch
no, not witch
somethin else
now that i've felt that life force
i want to do it too
i can't talk about what the orange one said today
he doesn't care about the people
he only cares about wallstreet
but
i don't think he's right that we can do both
i'm not even sure that he actually believes it
he just thinks he won't get re-elected if the economy crashes
what happened to the "war time" president?!
it's like talking to someone with multiple personalities
in the way that there is a different story line every day
except
it's alway the toxic narcissist
i texted my mom
she didn't respond
ok, for 11 minutes
i wasn't really worried
but i called her anyway
she sounded a little groggy
she fell asleep in the chair
and before you make any reference
to genetic similarity which you could not step back from
i will point out
she has a fancy anti gravity chair
in which she actually sleeps
some percentage of the time
not
not at all
like me falling asleep bolt upright
so she's groggy
and she starts coughing
me: why are you coughing
her: i drank a glass of juice before i fell asleep
me: why would juice make you cough
her: i guess i'm thirsty
me: i don't understand, is there some connection between being thirsty and coughing? i don't think that makes sense. [this is not a little my throat is dry cough].
her: well, i don't know
me: do you really think that's why you coughed or are you just saying that.
her: i don't know.
me: how long has it been since you had contact with another person
her: well, i went to the grocery store yesterday
me: *hard hard sigh*
her: it was the time they had set aside for the elderly.
me: but. i thought. you were ordering your groceries.
her: you shouldn't worry so much.
me: should i not? why should i not worry?
her: because it's not good for you
me: ok.
her: have you gotten any communication from your company.
[i haven't told her i've been laid off, but she knows it closed and now she wants to know i'm not sure what exactly]
me: i've been laid off by my company
her: they laid you off
me: not because of the corona virus
her: why didn't you tell me i've been thinking you were going to work
me: it more or less just happened, i was going to work, i didn't want to worry you.
i have to go outside today
not because i'm not enjoying being cooped up
but because my legs are starting to swell
i'm spending too much time sitting
gotta walk around
i was wondering if i should put on makeup
to which my first thought was wtf
but then i realized i need sun protection
so i'll probably compromise with mineral powder
last night i became obsessed with the idea that
i do not have enough tincture
the second round have not arrived
and rootgirl hasn't even shipped yet
but it's a specific herb i suddenly feel like i need
osha (bear root)
but i can't find anybody i trust
there are surprisingly few people with osha
which i thought was odd
until i found out that it's been over gathered
so then i'm not sure i should even be looking for it
but
i still feel a strong need for it
which might just be an obsessive thing
i texted about my check this morning
i, apparently, am not the only one without direct deposit
and they have a team of experts working on it
no briefings or new reports today so far
grateful for that
i've had weird dreams the last few nights
which is probably to be expected
but
i didn't
or
at least i expected them to be
idk more nightmare-ish
night before last
i dreamed that i was
trying to fill a box with popcorn
using just my hands
and the side of the box was bent
and not really functioning as a retaining wall
and your wife was watching me
making commentary about my lack of progress
not a nightmare
not upsetting
but not very fun either
last night
it was more complicated
i was at work and i had a bunch of stuff to do
but they weren't giving me any time to do it
and then
it changed
and it was this weird scene
where i wasn't me
and i was talking to a guy who kinda reminded me of uncle freaky
and there was this whole
like
mexican stand off quality to the scene
i think he was just back from prison or something
and
it turned out
he did a bunch of stupid shit because he thought
i was about to reject him
and he scared me away
because he did a bunch of stupid shit
and
we ended up laying on the ground
and he said
can we just pick back up where we were
and i said
i don't think so
but
maybe we can go from here
except
what i actually said was
maybe there's still hope for the moon
and then
i thought of you when i woke up
see
so not bad dreams
just weird and idk what they mean
i'm not actually having coffee and toast
that's just what this category is called
i had oatmeal with raisins and apricots
with hemp hearts and oat bran added in
and maharantha banana peanut butter
and coffee with soy milk
oh
and the oatmeal was cooked in oat milk
cause i gotta use that up before it goes bad
i'm feeling a bit depressed today
and
the friday go out to pick up the check
looks like it's cancelled
they're closing down
and now i have to worry about how i'm gonna get that check at all
i don't have direct deposit
and they seem to think everyone has direct deposit
and the corporate types aren't in
so
will it get mailed to me, idk
i'm trying to be a squeeky wheel
the severance won't come for twenty days
because that makes sense
so
i'm a little worried that they're gonna fuck me
i got a briefing from a friend today
who's pretty sure the world is ending
and i haven't fact checked yet
but
he says if everyone in texas stays home for three months
like lockdown, not social distancing
that there will only be 1000 deaths and 170,000 hospitalizations
but, if we do anything other than complete lockdown
then something apocalyptic happens
i don't seem to have retained those numbers
but, ya know, really really bad
so maybe i don't want briefings either
i decided to see if i was right
that the fairly expensive dr roebuck's copper peptide serum breaks me out
hoping against hope that it wouldn't
so
i was right
and yesterday my face was a painful mess
which i'm recovering from quickly
with the centella ampoule
which really is a miracle product
but i wish i hadn't tested it
my face was completely clear
and now it's ugly again
and it hurts
so
grateful for skin 1004 madagascar centella ampoule
that's goin in the end of the world kit
continuing cool weather
[although there's a warm front coming
is that what you call it?
that's probably the reason for the headache
which continues unabated]
trees
when i step out onto my stoop
i am under the sheltering arms of several large oak trees
i love them
oh crap
the orange one is talking again
what is the maximum word that isn't death that happened
rape? torture?
no, i'm not going to commit to not profiting personally i didn't take the salary and nobody thanked me
omg
where do i start?!
i think he is completely out of touch
but, ya know, he's a wartime president now
this one isn't so much information light
as reality light
my throat hurts a little
i've been taking my temperature
a couple times a day
and it has not been elevated
i'm going to bed now
be well
i love you
so
i'm still not selling myself on proust
or virginia woolf
i'm considering some other options
on the road: the original scroll
which, the sample at least
i liked better
you may have heard of it
it's his original manuscript as it came out of him
before editing
but
i think it will make confinement harder
there's a burroughs trilogy
the last thing he wrote
1981-1987
which i had never heard of
the whole country is mutating from a radioactive epidemic
sounds promising
the reviewer on audible
made me laugh
they said: burroughs is weird, but you knew that
but
then
i'm considering moby dick
i sort of read it before
audiobook
but
not really
because i was listening to it as i went to sleep
so parts of it i heard a bunch
and some of it i didn't hear
but
i loved it
and they have one narrated by frank mueller
the weather
is amazing
and
probably this should be cross referenced with stealing signs somehow
because when i got out of the car to go sign my paperwork
the sky just opened up with pelting rain
but
i'll just mention it here
with the fact that
58 degrees!!!
that is so so perfect
and drizzly or overcast
it's like coffee drinkin weather
i opened the windows yesterday
i never do that
not on the ground floor, anyway
and
it was what i'd really have to call lovely
i mean, that sounds hokey and all, but...
and cucumbers
i'm grateful for cucumber and tomato salad
crunchy and delicious
i don't know how much more salad type food i'll be getting
maybe i need a grateful heading
but that seems kinda trite and overdone
but
cucumbers and cool breezes are really the most
to use an old turn of phrase
also, who knew, but sunflower butter, delicious!
i'm gonna have to go out friday to pick up my last check
i may stop by the grocery store
we'll see
i was going to stop by friday
but there was a long line and they were only letting people in when someone came out
with the idea being 15 people in the store at a time
which i'm not sure i understand
i mean, i kinda do
but then there's the outside line situation
and they kinda lose me there
anyway
i drove by, saw the line, and said, abort
by the way
that f. scott fitzgerald letter that's going around the interwebs
i heard someone read it
and i was like
i don't think that sounds like f. scott
so
of course
i had to research it
the thing on the internet is fake
i thought as much
it's not nearly well enough written to be
and it seemed anachronistic as well
but all that almost begs the question
what should i read
i mean
i could tackle proust, maybe
but
would i like that
i had a philosophy professor
she re-read the novel formerly known as remembrance of things past
every year
it was like a touchstone for her
to check in with herself somehow
she did a similar thing with the waves
only not as often as every year
she is the professor that i had the most respect for
of all the professors i had
and i have often thought i should read those books
but whenever i have actually moved that direction
i have stopped and said
i don't think i want to do this
maybe now is the time
maybe audible
[maybe that's cheating
but how comforting, to be read to]
i realize for you this is like a week in
but
i was working wednesday
and i had to go in yesterday
and i had outside things i had to do
so
today is like day one or two
i'm not sure how to count it
so maybe i won't do a numeric count
maybe it's not all about day 1, day 2, day 3 day 4, day 5
i'm listening to the daily press conference
i'm finding it hard to hear it
like my brain phases in and out
i think whoever it was that said
these are really rallies, not press conferences
has a point
but
idk probably they should be happening
if only we could trust that we weren't being lied to
also
they seem very information light
it feels like a waste of my time to listen to them
is that a bad attitude, do you think
i feel like i could get a short briefing on them
i feel like the consumption of "news" about the zombie apocalypse
could swell to fill every available minute
obsessing over media
social and otherwise seems like a dangerous time suck
but, omg! if i have to listen to him talk about what a tremendous job unprecidented! he is doing compared to like washington, lincoln, et al we are so fucking lucky to have such leadership i may not be able to do this
i feel like i have some responsibility to keep up with
what's going on in the world
ok
so
i'm back to this format, for now
i have a process, whenever there's anything
that's like a known unknown or whatever
i need to feel like i've got some kind of handle on it
so, tinctures
yeah i think you heard me right
i'm immune boosting
we're all doing out semi-crazy stuff now
and i have dayquil and nyquil and tussin
but what i felt like i needed
was tinctures
in my mind
first i approached it more like medicine
the feathercatcher apothecary
i had used their immune bosster at christmas time
and i didn't get sick until after christmas
and it might not even have been really sick
it might just have been exhaustion
so i ordered more of that
and i ordered the frunutta zinc + c
the kind of vitamin that melts under your tongue
that was when i was still working
and wasn't thinking the zombie thing
[here i'm mostly using this so no one finds this on a search]
so just the same thing i would do to try to avoid flu
but now
when i realize it zombies
i needed more
and
it wasn't just important what herbs
it was important from where
and from who
does that make sense?
so i found the one from eugene nourish wholeness
and she won
i feel like i could feel her energy through the interwebs
she won out over rootgirl
who had a much slicker product
which wasn't what i wanted right then
i wanted full on made-with-love-ness
i got
elderberry elixir
mullein tincture
elecampane tincture
and
burdock fresh root tincture
they are much less professional than any tincture
i've ever had before
i'm not meaning that in a bad way
the elderberry and the burdock are full on thick
and you can't taste the alcohol
like i'm wondering if i should be refrigerating them
but the fridge is full
full!
besides
if i put them in the fridge i will never take them
idk why
but there is ample evidence from the past
the burdock also has bits in it
it's kinda freaky
the elecampane is clear and alcohol-y
and actually really strong i think
i've had this cough
for like a year or two
because the allergies are so bad
there is a constant nasal drip down the back of my throat
but
i've been using cough drops since
idk, november maybe
i had to get sugar free though
because regular cough drops have too much sugar
or something
they make my teeth hurt
anyway
i've been taking this stuff prophylactically
but
you're not supposed to take much elecampane
and i haven't been taking much but
i have been taking enough to cause
my body to be trying to expel
i am the worst at coughing stuff up though
so
it's a little irritating but
i'm getting there
the mullein
is somewhere in between
it's thicker than the elecampane
but not chunky or anything
so
i'm taking those but
somehow that still didn't feel like enough so
i've ordered more
and now i've really got to stop
i decided
i needed a propolis tincture
i wanted that before i even knew about the zombies, i think
and i gave in
so rootgirl has a propolis tincture
i ordered that
i needed some kind of mushroom tincture
and i "needed" something from wildroots so that dovetailed nicely
in an oregon reishi tincture
but
then
i had to have keetnafarms
i ordered usnea
which turns out to be the same thing
as old man's beard
which i already have from feathercatcher
so
oopsie
but energetically
different place, right feathercatcher is from new mexico
rootgirl is from ukiah wildroots is from portland keetnafarms is from alaska
ideally
i'd like to have something from maine
or newfoundland
i've never been there
but i feel very connected to it somehow
but
the seaweed is from maine
that's gonna have to be enough
no more tinctures
no more
when i came home yesterday i was a mix of emotions.
none of them were like, oh fuck what did i just do. but the weren't all rainbows and ice cream cones, ya know. and i'm not sure how worried to be about this whole "zombie apocalypse" thing-- and by calling it that i'm not meaning to make light, that's just the cultural sigil i see burning in my mind-- i'm taking i'm taking it seriously; i'm about to shelter in place for two weeks.
but what i mean to say is that i'm distracted and not firing on all cylinders as i pull up to the gate of my apartment. i have this whole process i have to do to get in the gate now which is annoying. my driver's side window does not go down. the mechanism broke (wore out) and the mechanic couldn't find a part. so i found one. i was so proud. they put it in and it worked for another few months and then it too stopped working. at least it broke in the up position this time. so i can't go to a drive thru or just stick my card out the window to open the gate. unless there is someone ahead of me, which honestly, there often is, i have to get out of the car.
but yesterday, when i drove up to the gate, it just opened. like it was a motion sensor gate-- which it emphatically is not. the maintenance people and the front office people all drive around in golf carts because this is an enormous complex. so i'm scanning 360 looking for anybody who could have opened the gate for me. so i can wave thanks, sure. but also to just due diligence the not a crazy person angle. because this is such a huge huge sign
going through the gate. and it's opening for me easily
it's what daniel said to me as he was walking me to the door
to leave
imma write something less work related right now
there's a sort of buzzing in my stomach. i'd be tempted to say i'm sick. but i'm pretty sure i'm just scared. maybe i'm scared of the "zombie apocalypse", maybe. but i think it's that there is a finite amount of money and i don't know when there will be jobs. and, i mean, i don't really want a job. but i do need money, so there's that.
i'm still getting the vibe that everything is fine, going to be fine, rather. and i wonder if that means the end result will be good-- like the government will change things, we will get universal healthcare, something. or if the outcome will be good for me personally. or if i'm just getting a wrong vibe. i feel like it's been pretty accurate up til now. whatever.
for some reason i went looking for jason's high school and college girlfriend. i wanted to see what she was doing now. i found her. she looks the same, but not. i remember her as so very young. she's like 47 now. and whatever, it was just one of those curiosities. she had wanted to sell out her dreams and start a family and jason didn't want to he wanted to live his dreams and she made him question his special-ness. she may or may not have had a family but she seemed pretty edgy and creative on the video i saw. also, though, one of those chronic illness overcomers. migraines. fibromyalgia. i don't know how i pictured her, but not quite that. but i followed around and found a picture in jason's albums that she took from '91-- a gallery show from PVA. and above his head is a painting i have. no, you cannot have two heaters.
i don't have it because he gave it to me. i have it because dad had it, and asked my mom if he could store his stuff at her house and she confoundingly said yes. then he never came back to get any of it. and i ended up with two paintings-- that one, which i don't have hanging anywhere but i love, and one of a series of self portraits or semi-self-portraits which i don't think had a name, but which i call the shitting angel and have always had hanging somewhere. it's a large orange-ish male, and you can kinda see a bit of his junk, sitting on the toilet. the paint is heavy and painterly and it's stylized. the background is a dark blue-green. he has wings, but sorta stumpy. he doesn't look much like jason so maybe it isn't a self portrait. but i've always thought it was. i look at this painting every day. i don't know why, but it is my favorite thing he's ever painted. he would probably say that it's crap.
the heaters thing. he was cold and what he had was a small electric heater and he asked his mother if he could have another one and she said no. i remember when he told me that story.
that kind of your needs and comfort are ridiculous and not something i need to worry about or address was the attitude deborah brought to the table. i don't know how much of that programming is still stuck in my psyche. i hope i'm over it, but i feel like i can make a case that i'm not.
Wednesday, March 18, 2020
ok
so this is what happened today
he said
the company has decided not to go ahead
with the job elimination process
at this time
we would like you to stay on
doing your same job
for an unspecified amount of time
at least two weeks
and then we will go ahead with the layoff
for whichever one of you it is
if you don't want to continue
we can go ahead with it now
so i said
can i think about that for a little while
which surprised him
so i took a couple hours
during which i was working
maybe not that long
maybe an hour and a half
and at first i couldn't think about it
my brain just wanted to focus on working
but
i made myself stop
i'm weighing all the variables
and then i asked
i really need some guidance
could you weigh in
and it said you know you've been needing to leave you know you are having to do it the hard way do you want to be the hero of your own life or do you want to be a pussy who clings to things that are over pathetically out of fear until you end up not even getting the severance?
so
i have to go in friday to fill out paperwork
and then i'm unemployed
So
Maybe I will get fired tomorrow
Or maybe they will decide to just kind of wait it out and see if the city shuts them down
in which case they could probably let us all go or put us on furlough or something and they don't have to pay me severance
So in retrospect with the way things are perhaps I should have taken the buy out when they offered it to me
but I didn't know it was all going to go down like this so you live and learn
but they did call and say that the store hours are changed so my hours tomorrow have changed so I don't have to go in until noon
And I just don't know what I expect to happen I was sure that I was going to get fired tomorrow
but I was like well you know at least then I'll get the severance thing and I'll get to stay home and not be exposed to contagion and disease
But now I think they're not going to pay me and they're just going to jerk me around and make me work getting exposed until the city shuts them down and then I got nothing
