there's a sort of buzzing in my stomach.  i'd be tempted to say i'm sick.  but i'm pretty sure i'm just scared.  maybe i'm scared of the "zombie apocalypse", maybe.  but i think it's that there is a finite amount of money and i don't know when there will be jobs.  and, i mean, i don't really want a job.  but i do need money, so there's that.

i'm still getting the vibe that everything is fine, going to be fine, rather.  and i wonder if that means the end result will be good--  like the government will change things, we will get universal healthcare, something.  or if the outcome will be good for me personally.  or if i'm just getting a wrong vibe.  i feel like it's been pretty accurate up til now.  whatever.

for some reason i went looking for jason's high school and college girlfriend.  i wanted to see what she was doing now.  i found her.  she looks the same, but not.  i remember her as so very young.  she's like 47 now.  and whatever, it was just one of those curiosities.  she had wanted to sell out her dreams and start a family and jason didn't want to he wanted to live his dreams and she made him question his special-ness.  she may or may not have had a family but she seemed pretty edgy and creative on the video i saw.  also, though, one of those chronic illness overcomers.  migraines.  fibromyalgia.  i don't know how i pictured her, but not quite that.  but i followed around and found a picture in jason's albums that she took from '91--  a gallery show from PVA.  and above his head is a painting i have. 

no, you cannot have two heaters.

i don't have it because he gave it to me.  i have it because dad had it, and asked my mom if he could store his stuff at her house and she confoundingly said yes.  then he never came back to get any of it.  and i ended up with two paintings--  that one, which i don't have hanging anywhere but i love, and one of a series of self portraits or semi-self-portraits which i don't think had a name, but which i call the shitting angel and have always had hanging somewhere.  it's a large orange-ish male, and you can kinda see a bit of his junk, sitting on the toilet.  the paint is heavy and painterly and it's stylized.  the background is a dark blue-green.  he has wings, but sorta stumpy.  he doesn't look much like jason so maybe it isn't a self portrait.  but i've always thought it was.  i look at this painting every day.  i don't know why, but it is my favorite thing he's ever painted.  he would probably say that it's crap.

the heaters thing.  he was cold and what he had was a small electric heater and he asked his mother if he could have another one and she said no.  i remember when he told me that story.

that kind of your needs and comfort are ridiculous and not something i need to worry about or address was the attitude deborah brought to the table.  i don't know how much of that programming is still stuck in my psyche.  i hope i'm over it, but i feel like i can make a case that i'm not.