I'm pretty sure I never mentioned it to you yet, but I had the two disc soundtrack album to American Graffiti when I was a kid, and I was pretty serious about it. That book of love song was one that I especially liked. Also teen angel. Very emo.
Now, just now, it makes me think of inscribed in the book of life. And that just opens up a vector of metaphor and current events and stuff. And maybe I've just had a crisis of conscience about the writing thing. I wasn't enjoying it. And, I felt like it was a lot of work to tell my story-- and the thing is, I don't want to tell my story. I don't think I can tell this story about America, now, yet, and to be perfectly honest maybe I can't ever tell it. I just needed a non-verbal way of communicating. I just lost the desire to say things. It wasn't that I wrote something and didn't like it. I liked it fine. I just hated it. I don't expect that to make sense. Also, I'm trying to work through some stuff, life stuff. But I understand you still want to read my writing. Maybe you need to read my writing, maybe it's important to you. And I was writing to you for all those years-- it was when I started "writing" that I started hating it.
I feel like this is a very fundamental we differ. You are a performer and I am not. I do perform, but I have a very different relationship to it. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe we have exactly the same relationship to it, maybe it just seems different to me. Maybe it seems different based upon brain chemistry. Maybe we have different brain chemistry. Or maybe not.
For me, in my experience, from the inside as it were, I just shifted from something I was not enjoying to something I was enjoying in terms of medium, but I didn't notice any large shift. However, I'm sensing that that is not how it seemed from the outside.
I'm sorry to have distressed you, or disappointed you, or whatever is the right word for the lack of connection or passion or drive or stick-to-it-ive-ness, or however to quantify the negative lack of my writing. It just made me happier not to write, so I stopped. It wasn't supposed to have negatively impacted you.
Maybe I'm depressed. I'm not sure that I am, but it is certainly possible-- you could definitely make a case for it with the available data. From the inside it feels like there are a lot of unknown variables and I'm more ok with that than I've ever been before, but as a consequence of that I feel like I am in a different relationship with time and space than I have ever been before. Normally I spend a lot of energy trying to decide how things play out. I'm kind of hardwired to run probabilities to prepare myself to deal with whatever, ya know. If I was doing that I would have blown out the circuits. So I have just sort of taken the next step of radical uncertainty.
I'm just floating here. I'm thinking about what I want my life to be like. I'm discarding any limitations in my thinking about how to get there. I'm looking for inspiration. I feel like the universe has proven that it is willing to provide the answers and I'm looking for the right ways to ask the questions.
I'm in a different mind state. If there are games we've played, then I probably will need to play them differently. It doesn't mean I don't love you. In fact, I like super love you, like to the moon and back.
