silver bells

lucky had become sad with the winter, cold though it was not.

maybe if it had been cold she would not.

it had snowed for her sixth birthday, real snow, not just a few flakes melting when they came to rest, rather a thick blanket of whiteness cold and pure and maleable.  lucky had of course had a cold.  there had been discussion:

she is too sick to play in the cold, she will get sicker.

but her father had a different perspective.  it won't kill her.  when will she get another chance to play in the snow? 

thinking back on it, lucky couldn't remember much.  she remembered the bread wrappers on her feet.  she remembered the feel of packing the snow.  she remembered the photograph of the snowman they built better than she remembered actually building it.  three distinct scoops for the body as a nod to traditionalism she guessed, along with a pipe and scarf.  had there been a hat?  she wasn't sure about the hat.  she sort of thought so, but she wasn't sure.  the thing that stuck in her mind from the small snapshot which only existed there now was the eyes.  they had made the eyes from light bulbs.

why had they done that?  it made a vaguely frightening snowman.

did she miss her father?  was that what was wrong with her?  she didn't think so.

she missed her life with jack.

jack with the beautiful eyes.

jack who she so wanted to understand.

why?  why was this man different from all other men?

and lucky heard the old christmas song on the radio.

out on the plain

i was on a large grassy plain
graising we're quantities of magical animals
i stood in an open spot
feet grounding me to the earth
i called silently
two beasts moved slowly to me
a lithe white horse
and a giant bird
it was like a duck in shape
but the size of a pony

thoughts

yesterday
it occurred to me:
hey, i was thinking in full on magic realism
i must be back to normal
but then
later in the day
i was really really not great
not maybe depressed
but
a little sad
and then, today
i was irritated
all day
i don't know

i asked god for a sign today
but i don't think i got one
unless a broken water main is a sign
but
i didn't have to pee for the remaining five hours of my shift
so
what does that mean

any of that
i don't think it means anything
it didn't seem like a sign

i hope you're good
happy, content, all that jazz
and i hope
i'm giving you
what you need from me

strange dreams

there was a coffee shop
completely remodeled
large open box
floor, wall, ceiling pale textured wood

there was a secret agent man
with a business cover
office park building

there was the place i work now
simple problems
actually fixed
in a way that made sense

there was someone
driving out to buy something
some land, maybe
in a cart attached to the side of a car

i don't know
what any of this means
and there was more i can't remember


i love you
i hope everything is beautiful where you are

imagine, if you want
my arms wrapped around you in an enormous hug
that never really ends
my heart energy opening
wrapping tendrils of light around your energy centers
you, i think, haven't learned to do this yet
so you just open
and
our membranes permeated
spiral together
up and up
until
we are
a rope
stretching
from here
to
the milky way

worries

i worry that i'll
get you into trouble
that my writings imply your actions
somehow
that you have a keeper
and it makes me

afraid
paranoid
angry at
me
you
the watcher

but
i need to believe
need you
so
if that causes trouble
for you

i'm sorry

i guess things got a little more energetic

i could feel you
touching me

and
i flipped around
in an arc of physical prowess
with a speed and agility which, i'm nearly certain
i do not posses

hover

then
slick
and

now now now

you've waited a long time
and this is not a drawn out picture

i want you darling

come
to
me

hi

i go to sleep tired, i wake up tired

and
what i wrote last night
not super coherent
largely escapist ramblings

i wish i was snuggled up to you
and we could sleep in
all day if we wanted to

i'm not picturing an energetic romp of a sleep in
more of a languid, restful nuzzling
and a whole bunch of actually sleeping together

i bet you're beautiful when you sleep

i don't have anything much to say, but i just gotta try to keep talking

i think you like to hear me ramble on
i'm not really sure why
why i think that
or
why you'd want to hear it
but whatever

i wish i had won the lottery
[it'd help if i played]

i'm thinking i'd buy a boat
i don't know why
it's not a longstanding desire
but
i guess the idea of living on a boat has appeal

but so does the road

maybe i'd just head out
if i had a million dollars

or maybe i'd do the homesteading thing
with the bees and goats and the chickens
but
where would that be
have to find the perfect spot for that

i would love to have my whole day be a meditation
i really think it's my natural state
and
having to wind myself up
to deal with the world of other people
that's what makes me stressed and unhappy

i could be wrong

i'm falling asleep
and i don't even know if this is coherent
but
i want you to have something to read
i want to be
there

i should probably go on and buy this deck, huh

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=239524&Date=12%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=431981&Date=12%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=913017&Date=12%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=926931&Date=12%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=959771&Date=12%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

updates

i know i've gained weight
at first i thought i hadn't
because it seemed to just be my waist
and i've built up some ab muscles too
so i figured it just added bulk
but, i think i can see it in my face a little
so i have

and
probably gonna gain a little more
over the next couple weeks
because
in the absence of anti-depressants
i am full on eating stollen and etc on the xmas pastry front

it's not just, anything
it's this hollydaze season in general
i just hate it

after the first of the year
i think i'm gonna do a juice fast
or master cleanse
or something

i stopped believing this year
for big chunks of time
and even when i did
i didn't 100%
so
i backslid a little here and there

not in the meat eating
or the cigarette smoking
i'm still clean there
where i really stopped focusing
was the high density nutrition
it takes work
and
money
and
caring about it

and
i just kinda didn't, so much

so
i wasn't awful
but
i wasn't perfect


on the plus side
the new skin care
did i tell you i got the advanced firming cream too
i don't think i did

i think
i look younger
like, maybe not thirty
but almost
plus
just recently
i've started using the l'occitane stuff
underneath
the firming cream
and
so so happy with the results

thinking about cutting my hair again
it's been, what
over a year, anyway

you don't have any preference for my hair length
i can't imagine that you do
anyway
i won't do that until i've got more time

thoughts toward the end of the year

last year
love you though i might
i could not reach, what was it 200 posts
this year
with everything
easily, over 300 posts
with a fair number additional that i didn't post
for one reason and another

i think, though
that there wasn't any baby
and i'm not sure why i created that
or how
and, of course
that makes me question
if, didn't i just, make it all up

but i didn't
even if i did, see

and i love you
even though i don't understand

have wonderment and joy on your special day
and don't think about me, at all
that's only right

not like i won't talk at you before then
but i'm not gonna say it again

it is what it is

just thinking

sometimes
i catch a little glimpse of something
and it makes my heart catch just a little
maybe
well, not maybe, no
definitely
i had this thought, long ago:

i want him to feel that way about me
no, even before that
before there was any you, really
that is what i want
that emotion
directed at me

and then when i looked into your eyes, i guess
then it had to be you

but
part of what i love about you
besides the fact that you have beautiful eyes
are generally a god damn beautiful pain in the ass
are smart and funny and blah blah blah

you are a sentimental creature
a hopeless romantic, maybe
but maybe not so it's obvious
maybe we are alike in that way

and
maybe everyone else in the world is too
i don't know, who can say
but you are, in a way i get

it's hard not to be romantic about it
because
it's the little things
you have no reason to think i'd ever know about
that
in the end
are what is making me want you the most, right now

ya big lug

i'm not sure what we should do tonight

i've given it a lot of thought
what would he like to read now
what would be the best
or most logical
or whatever
and
i can't decide

my head hurts
and it's happy happy blood time
and, really
i want to curl up on the couch and drink beer

which is actually what i've been doing
and
what i really want to do
that if i had a cheering section i might work up the motivation for
i want to hang my shelves

i've had these shelves, forever
they are antique, i think
and they are from afghanistan or environs

and
i have never hung them
because the guy i bought them from put some handmade
wrought iron hanging hardware on
and every time i go to hang them
i convince myself that i'll tear up the sheet rock
and, i rent, ya know, so i put em back down

anyway
i finally decided

1. where i want them
2. to take off the hardware and use brackets
3. that i needed a cordless drill

now

you gotta understand

i have always wanted a cordless drill

but i do not need one

i now own a ridgid 12v cordless drill

no

not a makita 18v

which is top of the line, more powerful, and was, afterall

the same price (sort of)

but this one is better for the things i might actually do

it doesn't have the large boxy battery on the bottom

so it should get into tight spots better

but

it was all i could do to walk away from more power

and i didn't even stop to think at the time

how funny that kinda was

the sales guy thought i was buying a gift for my husband

but when i straightened him out

he actually asked me if i saw what a pretty color the makita was

really?!

http://www.homedepot.com/Tools-Hardware-Power-Tools-Drills/RIDGID/h_d1/N-5yc1vZc27fZ18g/R-203371443/h_d2/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10053&langId=-1&storeId=10051#BVRRWidgetID

in flagrante delicto

we meet out front
the courtyard fresh and lively
with young people out for the evening

how have you been, i ask
well, you answer
like we were civilized people

but the whole evening is alive
the air humming
and we
we shall eat

i brought you here
because i liked it so much
when i imagined eating with you here before

small plates
many
shall we get
with wine
and we shall see how much we can eat

because tonight is not so much about the fantasy
tonight is about the earthiness
the comfort
the camaraderie
perhaps we shall even talk, a bit

how do you feel, i ask with a soul searching look
how do you feel about roasted garlic spread onto thick warm bread
what is your position on the merits of mac and cheese
waitress, please
bring us plates of olives, salty and divine

beloved
i must know
my heart is fairly bursting
how flagrant, how indiscriminate
is your love of cheese

enter the dragon

tonight
tonight we meet in front
of my childhood fantasy chinese restaurant

everything is red and gold
the nearby shops are black and white deco

i feel better today
i had a good day off
and i feel a childlike excitement to show you
[because i have been celebrating chanukah mostly
with vegetarian eggrolls and sweet and sour shrimp]
this lotus bijou

we walk through the doors into a small entry
glass counter filled with shining almonds atop cookies
the case is lit
the backdrop dark
and then we are led through to the magic
the walkway constricted by babbling waters
running with koi
[goldfish, more likely but the mind edits]
the effect
is like walking across one of those layering bridges
i imagine the breeze
the swirling leaves

to the right
a small cinn-a-bar room
mai tai
singapore sling
other exotic elixirs i am now old enough to consume

i spin myself into a silken qipao
i lick my red lips and click my talons

i am inscrutable

i spin again
and clap my hands together and laugh

look, i say
and i point to the dragon
enormous
gilded
circling around itself

you smile, now
i have charmed you
you
take my hand
spin me in
look me in the eyes

you
are not inscrutable, but
you say nothing

and
we are led to our table

8 case stack

not last night
night before
i dreamed of two case stacks
four each
which is usual
but it came to eight

that seemed significant
but
i didn't write it yesterday

just a little night music

it is with a little shyness that i let you in
into the fantasy italian restaurant of my childhood
it's every nook and cranny, possibly re imagined
and shining in the glittering night
the place of tonight's meeting
maybe it's our first date
or maybe we've had that long ago
but
i haven't felt right
i haven't wanted to
and
i'm not saying it's your fault or anything
i'm just telling it like it is
so now
as i'm seeing you
i'm a little afraid
afraid that i'll be mean to you
shut you out
i feel a little frosted up
like i should have kept having sex
like maybe i couldn't anymore if i tried
and i don't really understand why
what has caused me to change like this
and
i'm crying as i type this

this is way too fucking real

nobody wants to hear this stuff

so
enter my psyche at your own risk, i guess


maybe i'll ease into it a bit
by describing the restaurant

the ceiling is a beautiful midnight blue
with twinkle lights
simulating the night sky
so pretty in a simple american way
the walls are painted with murals, i think
but it's like i can't see them
because the place is full of booths
and between them, for privacy, there are trellises
wound through with grape vine and clusters of grapes

we are seated in one of these booths
and it becomes a slightly shadowed romantic spot
wicker chianti bottle candle on the table
the booth becomes leather like the back seat
of some enormous american car
hunter s. thompson is driving across the desert to las vegas

you seem to shimmer slightly
and i'm not sure if you're really there
the booth is now rounded
so i push around towards you
grabbing your knee slightly hysterically
real enough
ok
and i don't know if it's something wrong with me or what
but i immediately
even though i'm frightened and not relaxed enough to be turned on
i want to run my hand up your leg
i want to see what you will do
i want to feel you already

but that's wrong

you are probably a little freaked out
why am i so weird and distant
and
inappropriate behavior is not gonna yield good results

i feel like a little child
i want to fling myself at your chest and cry
but i don't remember being that out of control as a child
i'm gonna have to pull this together
what the hell is wrong with me

i miss you, i say, but i'm feeling a little like a tornado
i might be unpleasant
you look momentarily uncomfortable
and then you lean in and wiggle noses with me

eskimo kisses for the win

i sigh out a big big cloud of tension
and put my head down on the table for a minute
the table cloth is smooth and cool and right now
the table cloth is my friend

the waiter comes over
you order us a big god damn bottle of wine, just like that
we need a big god damn bottle of wine
and maybe you order us an appetizer
fried calamari or bread with an olive tapenade, whatever
i don't really care about the appetizer
i agree we need a god damn huge bottle of wine

even though this is an italian restaurant
let's make this first glass, at least, carrefour 2007 cabernet franc
because i just had that yesterday
and i loved it
would like to share it with you

so i'm drinking on an empty stomach
and it affects me quite quickly

i love you, i say
but maybe it sounds a little like an accusation
crap, i'm such a fucking girl
you open your mouth
i put my finger on your lips

look, don't say anything ok
if you are gonna tell me you love me too
this is probably not the moment to do that
and if you're gonna say something else
i might punch you in the face

you blink at me
god damn your beautiful eyes
i swoon a little internally
and
i drink another glass of wine

i feel like
at least half of what i think is going on is not, really
i feel like i can't get past
not being the one
even if i am, somehow, afterall

but looking back through my writing
the trouble started in october
or november
so
i'm not even sure it has anything to do with you

it might just be the season of death
and
the having to see my mother, like every week

probably you love me
however much you have loved me
which i had thought was increasing
thought had reached a peak
before the thing i still don't understand
and then
it seemed
maybe
to edge up slightly even from there

what i'm saying is
i believe that you love me
but now i'm not feeling it
and
i don't think that's your fault
i'm not saying you should be doing something

i'm saying
i feel like i'm dying inside
and i feel kind of helpless

and here
here is a problem
because i don't know what to have you say

i mean
what could you say to that

damn

this isn't going how i hoped
i really hoped i'd figure out
something you could say
that would make it all better

i really wanted us to end up
having sex in that black and gold bathroom

that's the ending i wanted to write

well
maybe not the ending
in the end i think, maybe
we drive home and kiss in the rain
but
i wanted to write an illicit sex scene in that bathroom

very strange dreams

with
plague islands
and espionage
and
whatnot

are you ok
because it was like that was all some kind of message

but i can't remember most of it

i was trying to get to rescue a girl
who looked very like a twenties drew baremore
and i looked like stana kativ

weird

signs and signals

my dreams have been jam packed
but i can't remember them
i don't think they're deep
just busy

i ran some errands today
and then
i went for a drive

the clouds were towering cumulus
and the sky was very very blue

there weren't any birds
just clouds and blue
and i asked god for a sign

if, i asked, if we're going to be together
show me two birds flying together
if, on the other hand, we aren't
and i should just live my life
learn to not expect him to someday
be by my side
show me one bird flying alone

and i drove on a while
birdless
then suddenly a bird

wait, really god, that's what you're telling me
one bird
one lonely bird
and, suddenly, there was a second bird

the second bird had been on a telephone wire
it was a smaller bird, and i hadn't noticed it
they flew, briefly, tangentially
and then the second, smaller bird landed back on the telephone wire

did that count
they were flying together, technically

maybe
maybe god just doesn't want me to stop believing
but he's not promising anything

just boring everyday stuff

i went to tjmaxx
i looked around
i always look for bras
because i rarely find them
but when i do they are really good

i picked up this bra
and i'm all like this is a great bra
it was just simple and brown
but i have this like quality radar
and this was a good bra

now remember
the last bra i bought was a 40dd
and this bra, this one here, it is a 42b
but it looked like it might fit

so i tried it on
and it fit beautifully
so good, in fact
that i put my shirt back on over it to see
how it looked with my clothes on

so obviously i'm buying it
at that point i look at the price, $25.
i've never seen a bra that expensive at tjmaxx
although, of course, that's pretty cheap in the real world
and the tag said: compare at $50.
but i looked at the brand and it was la perla

i was thinking la perla is an expensive, expensive brand
so when i got home i looked it up online
the cheapest la perla bra $115.

so
i have a really great new bra, cheap
it's basically this one:
http://www.laperla.com/en-us/lingerie/bras/cfilpd905168?e=ad462a63-ef7a-4d76-9fe1-869efc01ac03&f-size=&f-style=&f-variant=&s=relevance

but
secretly i wish it was like this:
http://www.laperla.com/en-us/?ecid=semus1396&gclid=CNSX_Y3V-rMCFcsWMgodMBgAIA

and that i could pull off that look


do you really miss this?

tonight's readings

what is going to happen for me in the next year:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=607258&Date=11%2F25%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=


will i stop feeling like there is just no point any time soon:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=223797&Date=11%2F25%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

did i lie to the puppyfish:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=670269&Date=11%2F25%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

will i ever get my shit together:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=197133&Date=11%2F25%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

what does he think about me now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=479396&Date=11%2F25%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=

i love you

i saw cloud atlas today
and
i thought of you

it's hard, sometimes
ya know
loving you

never really knowing
if this is what it's meant to be like
this distance

some days
i think yes

some days
i think no

some days
i think i missed my chance
that maybe we were supposed to be together
but that it's too late now

but somehow
cloud atlas gave it a little more perspective

i will always love you
and
someday
you'll look me in the eye
and admit that you love me back

but we might be, like, on another planet
and all have, like, implants and whatnot

i don't know, maybe i am crazy

i keep feeling you at odd moments

but
it could be
that there's something wrong with me
i hurt my hand
i think i strained my old tendon tear
it's not torn
but it hurts
and i don't know how i could never have damaged it
in all these years
but now have done something to it

but
after it started to hurt
i noticed, with each ensuing box
that i put most of the weight on my left hand
and direct with my right

i've been feeling
alternating between and old lady and
superwoman
or maybe she-hulk
whatever

but
i'm not invincible
hence the hand scare
even if it was torn
all they did was splint it
and that was a specialist not a regular old doctor

if you really want to make me happy
don't just think of me as a source of amusement
then do something for me
send me images telepathically
you'll know what of, i think
because
my funk is starting to lift, i think
and i need a little sparkle in my holidaze

i'm having a stressful week

i wish
i could hug you
that would make it better, i think

goodnight
stillwater

i haven't said, but i've been feeling you

maybe
maybe you're missing me

i love you
i'm not trying to ignore you

be good
be happy
be wishing me luck

my little fortune cookie

i had kind of an old school dream

like i used to have

i was at some sort of event
maybe it was sports
but i remember
guys dressed like early beetles or monkees
climbing down rung ladders
and
maybe that was connected
so maybe it wasn't sports

anyway
right before it was going to start
i decided that i really had to pee
so
i went looking for a bathroom

i ran out past a hospital reception desk
down a hall
into a big, outdoor amusement park
the bathrooms were
of course, out of order

and this other lady
she says she's going to use the nursing room
and i go to wait for her to finish so i can go next
but suddenly
there are ten people in line ahead of me

this is what i got last night

i spent most of the dream
in various bathrooms
but
that didn't seem to be the main thing

the most important image
the one that sticks in my mind:

i'm looking in the mirror
and i guess
maybe i put on some makeup
my eyes are huge
i have cut my hair
it's kind of a pixie cut with fringe around my face
i am pretty thin too

i look in the mirror
and my eyes
are the kind of eyes
that lock into your soul

so, i don't know what you sent, but this is what i got

i was putting up road signs

like speed zone signs
like a lot of them
on one pole
the speed
it depended
on what kind of wine
i don't really understand that myself
what kind you're drinking while you're driving
or
what kind you'd typically buy

so
signs
wine
speed

then i had another dream
about a coffee shop
and i was going to grind the coffee
i looked on the brew calendar to find what to grind
but when i went to look
there was barely any coffee there
there was enough
but they seemed really low

but i found the two caffeinated kinds
and i grabbed two five pound silver bags
and decided to wait on decaf

so
coffee
but maybe
not enough coffee
and no decaf

tonight's reading

does he ever worry about me when i don't talk for a while:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=104592&Date=11%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i don't know what that means, so one more time:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=276365&Date=11%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

ok, well that sounds like you don't worry, like at all
which might be good or bad
depending on what i mean by worry

so, can he sense when i am unhappy
when i got shit weighing me down
that's unrelated to him
but
which makes me unchatty

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=783711&Date=11%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i guess that means you know everything

i started to write you about my petty little problems
a couple of times already
but they just seem so lame
that i didn't post them

but
i am feeling very distant from you
except in dreams
and
even there
it's more like you're trying to get my attention
that that we're communicating

i'm sorry about that

that dream last night was like the beginning of
a much longer story
and it was funny and poignant with
people reaching out to others that they might normally reject
and it was all because the kinda boring mormon woman
she learned to cook the jewish food
to reach out to her ex-husband's ex-wife
it sound kinda hokey now
but it was a good dream
and
they've been, lately
like stories playing in my head
not like dramas i'm acting in

but
if you want to send me messages in my dreams
[does he]

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=108099&Date=11%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

you might need to think them
really loudly
and keep them simple
[because there's a lot of static and interference in my brain]
images are probably best

what is he thinking about me right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=784994&Date=11%2F4%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

is that good, or bad

the mormon jewish catering company

a big, blue stained-glass window

checking in

i worked all day yesterday
and i have to go in today
plus, i have to see my mom
so
i haven't dropped off the face of the earth

i love you, sweet cream

i didn't tell that story to make you sad

it's just one of my stories

one i hadn't told you yet

i love you

sweetheart

orange

i drove across the bridge, crying.  i knew it should be something beautiful and special, but it wasn't. all i could think:  some version of why is he being this way to me;  what's wrong with me that i am letting myself go down this road.

so.  i drove the streets.  they were narrow.  i saw places i wanted to stop and there was no parking. no parking anywhere.  so i drove down to the water.  it wasn't how i remembered it.  it seemed phony, somehow.  i went to a restaurant, it was expensive, gratuitous, but there was something in the view out the window.  the pilings were old, weathered, slick with scum.  the gulls circled.  that was real.

i stared, thinking about rubbing away the tiny desiccated tube feet of the starfish they bought me when i had been here before.  the enormous golden curtains.  the inflated rubber seal.  was this the place of those things?

i left the restaurant. i walked down the street.  there were t-shirt shops, everywhere.

a woman pulled me aside to offer me something.  she was shorter than me, and older.  she was, it seemed to me, a mexican woman, and this made her legitimate somehow.  like whatever she was going to offer me was a straight up transaction.  i wasn't worried that she would rob me.

do you want me to tell you your fortune?

how much?

to be honest, i don't remember now her fee.

she pulled me back into this beautiful courtyard.  probably it was nothing special.  probably every little courtyard in that city has a tree and a bench and a stillness which i would feel compelled to imbue with magic.  it's how i am.  she invoked a secrecy which seemed out of context.  was she working another gypsy's turf?  and then she told me things.

you haven't felt appreciated.

yes, well, that was hardly a stretch.  i'm sure i didn't seem happy, and really, what woman ever feels appreciated.  she wasn't getting a lot of points for this fortune.  something about things turning around for me.  something about a child.

no no you don't get it, i said.  i think i'm too old.  this was four or five years ago.

no.  you're not. don't worry, women are having babies into their fifties now.

right.  whatever.  but i didn't say it aloud, no point in being rude.

do you want me to give you the magic blessing.

how much is that?

sixty dollars.

no, look, i only have forty dollars left.

it's ok.  don't tell my sister.  i like you.  it's enough.

and, i hadn't really meant that.  i had meant that i only had forty dollars left and i was in a strange city and needed to hang on to my money.  i didn't really believe in her blessing.  but i was carried along in the flow of events and i just couldn't stop.

she pulled smooth rocks out of her pocket, maybe eight, maybe ten. maybe twelve.  they weren't rocks she picked up off the ground.  they were quartz and flourite and i'm not sure what all.  she kind of rubbed them down the sides of my body.  she made some hand movements.  it all sort of ran together into some sort of surreal moment, culminating with her pressing the stones into my hand.

keep them, she said.

she told me the initials of my mystery man were j.s. the most obvious, innocuous initials possible.  and then.  then it hit me.

j.s., that was me.

and i had to laugh, as i walked away holding my stones.

i love you sweetheart

i was kinda wound up earlier today

and i was talking to violin major
[actually i just found out today that she was a violin major
before today
she was just sweet little-girl-voice girl]

i was wearing my hoodie
and
i guess the juxtaposition of me in a hoodie
was worthy of comment
[i look like a hoodlum or something]
so she commented that
it was really not all that cold

so i went into this spontaneous story
about the cold and the wind and sweater sale signs
yesterday

and she said:

wow
that was a really mundane story
but something about the way you told it
i could not pull myself away

me:
it's a gift

i love you blue

my mom is weird

i went out with her today

the way she is dealing with his loss
is beyond bizarre to me

she's been going through his things
she found a nudie magazine dated after the point
at which she made him promise to get rid of them all
[like 4 years ago
and there's a private story that goes with that
which i will not share]

but
so
she's decided
that she didn't really have a marriage
and
she doesn't even want his ashes

but
she actually had an affair
like 20 years ago
and that's not an issue
that's his fault too
[i, of course, did not bring up that fact
i don't even know if she remembers it]

i remember it though
because i was the one who had to tell her
that her anger and jealousy
over what her "friend" was doing with some young girl
really needed to be toned down
or even the step dad was gonna figure it out

i've been thinking of him fondly
and he put up with her for all those years
and now
i guess the only way she can deal with it
is to feel better off without him

i think it's really sad


please god

maybe i ask for a lot already
but
if you could see your way clear to never making me
even one little bit like my mother
i would really really appreciate it

and
maybe, while you at it
throw a little something her way
to fix whatever's wrong with her
she had a really really fucked up childhood, i know
and i have to believe that she just can't help it

omg weird dreams, but i can only remember bits

the first time i woke up
i remember thinking:
those were really strange bad dreams

but i went back to bed
because i felt unwell
and didn't have to get up

[except that
now that i work a regular schedule
for the first time in my life
if i sleep late
i tend to have trouble going to sleep]

i really don't like the regular schedule much
i know i should

anyway
i went back to sleep

and i dreamed
i had gone home to my family estate
which was in, i don't know, italy maybe
it was out in the country
and there wasn't much to identify which country
but the impression i get is italy

i was younger than i am
and beautiful in a dark and wispy way
and i had a what, lover, i'm not sure
he was impressive, for sure

and
i was thinking i was going to live in this apartment
kind of separated from the rest of the estate, practically
like a separate entrance, etc
and the workers were building this barrier
using metal plates
which said something about laundry
like panels from a washateria

and
i thought:
hey, that's kinda ugly
but then i just started thinking
how i could paint them, or whatever

but then
it turned out that i couldn't have the apartment
and it didn't look like happily ever after was coming
easily
or
any time soon

there was more
lots more
lots of little subtle things
that might have held the key
but i can't remember them

so, catching you up

tuesday
i think it was tuesday
that would be the 16th
started happy happy blood time
and it really was

i think that last premenstrual thing was
maybe the worst i've had in a while
and maybe
it was sadder because of my step dad
i don't know

but tuesday
i was walking to the bus stop
and i had to stop in the esplanade
because the sunrise took my breath away

i was just lost in it

i've seen a lot of sunrises
but, i mean this one
the sky looked like an ocean and the clouds were
these pinky golden rippling waves
radiating outward from
the whatever-it's-called-now philip johnson tower
jutting upward ever upward
you could have stopped time

and that's when i thought:
god damn
it's like super duper anti depressant happy happy blood

but now it's all done
and
well, actually it was over yesterday morning
they're so much more manageable now

and
i bought that cleanser
the expensive one
which i can't really afford
and i love it

but
i've been a little mood-swing
not so you'd notice
but i'm telling myself
things that i don't want to hear

and then i'm blissing out on how much more
fulfilled i am for learning to love unconditionally

and then i'm making arguments for
whether i'm a real adult or not

so either i'm all self-actualized or i'm a fuck up
and i can make the case either way

hello france

and
damn, russia
w'sup
no really

've got some stuff i want to catch you up on

but
i have to run now

i will try to write later

it's not important
or time sensitive
it's just stuff

i love you

do not visit post of 8/28/11

apparently there is possible malware
on the site for the photo i included

i tried to revert it to a draft
but i just keep getting pop ups
and it won't let me

i doubt
any harm could come to your computer
from looking at this post
if you did not go through to the photo's homesite
but

better safe than sorry

so i looked up nutter butter on urban dictionary

and maybe i won't call you that again
which is a shame
because
it worked so nicely
and
sounded so cute
like
i'd never call you cookie
but
a type of cookie, why not
but not all cookies have cute names
and
of those, how many are appropriate for a man
not many i think
so
new challenge

i love you tim tam man

goodmorning

nutter butter man

i love you

like melted butter
like freshly baked bread
and
i'm having very impure thoughts
because
i
can multi-task the worry and the heat
til the season
comes every month
i'm going to bed now
i'm going to try to see you in my dreams
if
i've made you unhappy or bored
with any of this
then
i'm sorry
but
i think
you're probably pretty tough
and i
am not very bad
and, anyway
i think you're used to me now

what i'm really jones'n for is
laying my head on your chest
your arm around me
breathing with you
feeling the flow of you energy
and
maybe other things

i've been thinking about it

probably
i'm a buzz kill
why can't i just be all fun
but
the thing that's worrying me now
is that you think, maybe
that i think
you can't handle your shit
and i never thought that

i think
you might not have the girl perspective
and, i think i'm probably right there
but why would you

i love you
i think you're great
i'm in no way trying to tell you anything different
nor
am i trying to tell you what you should do

what i'm doing
is, mostly, worrying
that i might fuck up somebody else's life
i'm not talking about debbie heather

and
my fantasies don't hurt other people
but
if they are realized they might
and i guess i'm just more sensitized to some than others

we don't have any plans
i don't know what's going to happen

i feel like what i should want for you
is that you not lose any one minute, ya know
and i feel selfish
that what i want is a family with you

and i know how all that worked out for me

that, last night, was a lot of talking

i hope i didn't bend your ear

i love you very much sweetheart

love you

i want things
and i wonder
what would it be like to live with you
what kind of a daily rhythm would we have
would i spend all the time i spend writing to you
doing something else
writing something else
would i spoil you
and then wear down and not want to do all those things anymore

and what about
the one
the one that makes me think
i should just stay away because
i would never want to hurt her

could he balance all that

because i'm prepared to be hated
any scenario
in which i get my dreams
automatically means i will be a bad guy
and i guess
it kinda still surprises me
that i want you that bad
and i guess
i worry


i'm expecting happy happy blood like right now actually
so i'm worried a little bit more
than normal


i don't worry that you love me, though
i feel that
all the way from there to here
and
it never went away this time
which makes me happy
but also
a little sad
inexplicably

deeper thoughts

and i wanted to make sure you understood me
i don't mean that i think i have nothing to contribute
to people or the world or whatever
i just don't think i have a speaking tour topic
i mean
yeah sure
i could find something to talk about
but a really good speaker has something that they've done
or that's happened to them
that has a universal or epic quality
otherwise
it's teaching
not lecture circuit
[that's just my opinion]

one of the things that drives me crazy about my mother
is that she's so means to an end oriented
when we went to the chinati foundation
she came away from that
and her take away was:  how can i get a big grant
to display my beautiful artwork

it makes me cringe
she never does anything just for itself

maybe this doesn't make any sense to you

my problem
[well, one of them]
has always been that i want to do it for love
and all that money stuff
and the people who don't get it feeling like they
have some right to tell you
as though they could do it themselves
had any understanding
or asking me to explain what category of thing this is
like they'd even understand my explanation
like they need to know what they're looking at before they see it
can't they just experience it

that stuff always kinda ruined it for me
if i could just produce it
and not have to do the other part
or know about it even
probably i'd be fine

but
for her
she only does it to sell it
it's not about her, a part of her


i don't get her
she doesn't get me
i really don't want to take this class with her
i meant to call her tonight
because i think it's a thursday night thing
but i didn't

i was talking to my new friend at work
her mom went off and left her with her dad too
so we were swapping "walk it off" war stories
but she so has me beat
he dad tried to tell her she just needed a band aid
but the school nurse had seen it, made him take her to the doctor
she had to get 38 stiches

i was talking to 30-year-old-sushi-guy
and he was saying that i didn't seem all that broken up about my stepdad
and i was all like:
look, he was a good guy, i loved him
but we don't have any baggage

and he's like:
so he didn't raise you at all
and i'm like:
no, my mom didn't hook up with him until i was 13
and he's like:
and you were already raised by then
and i'm like:
yeah, pretty much

truthfully
i was kinda surprised that it was my mom he was interested in
and he just treated me like a child
because
that wasn't the experience i was used to
but i said something like that to him
and he looked all creeped out

and
he had a stepdaughter who is like 11 or just turned 12
and he introduces her as "my daughter"
when he first did that
really before they were even married
i expressed surprise:
she's ok with that
[not in front of her obviously]
but he just couldn't seem to understand
when i tried to explain to him:
she has a dad
i would have been super offended
she's all good? ya'll have talked about it

so this 12 year old was at the wedding
all make-upped and heeled
hair dyed dark
and looking like 16
and
i honestly don't think he gets it

cut marks on her wrist too
pointed out by another of my friends
who i sat next to
and i'm all like:
they don't look bad
what, you never cut yourself?

thoughts

so
the dressing
is underway

i researched the interwebs
and
it seems ones counters the too much vinegar
with some form of sweetner

my testing revealed maple syrup to be the clear winner
so i've got, so far

5t toasted sesame oil
5T real maple syrup
2 cloves garlic smushed but not chopped
4 dried mushroom pieces
[porcini, but grown further north in birch forests
and so called something else]
about 6oz aged balsamic vinegar

i'm gonna let that steep
i will stain out the pieces of mushroom and garlic
and mix with wine or water or both
not sure yet


i love you
and eggs
they are adorable, small ones
like robin's eggs and such
and they seem very symbolic
although sometimes i'm not sure
i think they can have more than just the obvious meaning

i keep getting this card in readings:
http://www.gaiantarot.com/fourofair/

sometimes
there can be a lot on my mind

this is only chat, right now

i made hummus again
i got lazy and made it a little simpler
i think it's better
i'm really close to what i want

the pesto
excellent on pasta
it was too strong to eat with a spoon
but really good when using a little bit
i guess that makes sense

i'm currently trying to figure out
an oil free [or nearly oil free] balsamic vinaigrette

i love you

good morning pumpkin

have a beautiful day

good night sweetheart, but first, blather blather on

i had breakfast with my mom
and she wants me to take a class with her
i had planned on having to do something like that
and was trying to figure out something "good for her"

but she
preemptively
wants to do some sort of
speaking tour prep thing
which i always thought i'd be good at
if i only had something relevant to offer
neither does she, though
but she thinks she can lecture on creativity, i think
and
although i've never thought she was very creative
i think
i might have high criteria in that regard

i read something
about your scientific method
and
i gotta say
pretty smooth stuff

but you have totally ruined me for the normals

also
i watched a documentary on buddhism (sort of, more like on temples, but whatev)
and
i'm wondering how you feel about vajra as a middle name

ari'el vajra

i'm not married to it, but i like what it means
and i think the hebrew is like barak or barakim or something
plus
i like that vajra has ties to both tantra and tibetan buddhism
plus
lightning bolt and diamond

but
maybe a mixed metaphor
and not a baseball reference
and i had thought, maybe, yehuda

i mean
i know it's not something i need to be worried about

i just don't believe in this four name thing that's so popular
and
names are power
but
vajra kinda violates my other rule
about not saddling them with sunset or whatnot
or they end up bad

and
it oughta be like  ari el rey or something cool
hey, el rayo

although, maybe that's more of a nickname
ari / el rey / el fuego / el espada / el zarza

i don't know why the spanish is cool
but the sanskrit is not
maybe it's not manly enough sounding to my western ears

maybe that's a daughter middle name, but i had the k name all set for that eventuality
cause then the nickname was dax
which is nerdy isn't it
but it sounds good, and by then no one will know


i miss you

this is sort of a test

i think i just felt you read this
or
maybe you just thought about me really hard
but
whatever
i changed this
from what it was earlier
so
if you read it
then
you know i know
and
if you didn't read it but you just thought about me
then
you know i felt that

either way

i love you very much

i love you

have a great day

i'm thinking of you
and
i hope i didn't break the mood
by calling you my adorable little pain in the ass
i've said it before
but
whatever

if it was a buzz kill, i'm sorry

probably not
but
it's bothering me
so

there you go

i want you to have nothing but happy thoughts right now
plenty of time for blahness later
and it makes me feel a little better to think
that you're being happy for me
since now is not a super happy time for me

xoxoxo

maybe i overshare

if so
i'm sorry

it occurs to me
maybe i do

i love you like a house on fire

and
i've got nothing to say
right now

xoxoxo

good morning sweetheart

i love you

good night sweetness

i hope your day was awesome and beautiful
and filled with all the joys of nature

i had somebody telling me
that i seem saner
calmer
and
less likely to take things personally
than i was just a few years ago

and
i think that's directly relatable to you

i've had to deal with a lot of emotions
i've had to not take an awful lot of stuff personally
and etc, in order to love you
and
since not loving you didn't seem to be an option
i guess i grew into a calmer more together person
to deal with you
my adorable little pain in the ass

also
i think
i am becoming the person i want to be for you
if that makes any sense
it's like
because i truly believe that you love me
i'm more solid
need less from anyone or anything else
does that make sense to you

i'm not sure it makes any sense

but
i'm better with you

i can tell you've changed
but
i wouldn't presume
i think there are a lot of factors there

but to me
you seem more confident
i won't say younger, exactly, but more vital
more like you're riding a wave
and it might just be that things are going better for you
but
i like to think
it makes me happy to believe
that i make you feel better about yourself
give you at least a little of that confidence
even if it's from a distance

i love you  מותק

i slept in a little

i dreamed
that i had my right nipple pierced
let me clarify
that i have never had any desire whatsoever
to have either nipple pierced
and, really
in the dream
it was not my plan

it just sort of happened

i was in some sort of alternative-palooza
and this guy [?] sticks a needle through me

it didn't hurt
and it was a tiny needle
so then i had a tiny wire through me
and
it was kinda cute, somehow
so i was trying to figure out how to make it work

weird, huh


i'm gonna call my mom in a few minutes
she said she doesn't think she's gonna need me today
but
i'm not sure she's gonna want to be alone
i'm probably going to have to bite the bullet
and have more involvement with her for a while
or else she might go into some sort of negative fugue state

it's probably good that i went on that trip with her
i got somewhat recalibrated to her
and i was able to be what she needed yesterday

it's really unfair
that he went through all that
and then died anyway
but
on my list of ways to die
sitting at the breakfast table, at home, over coffee
not such a bad death

only 64 though, rough

she is gonna have some major readjustment
but it looks like she's gonna be ok
he took a lower retirement payment
so that if he died she'd get like 60% of it
and then there's social security
and the house is paid for

they look ok
we're getting him cremated
which was her idea
but i'm pretty sure that's what he'd want, for various reasons
but
then when we were actually doing it
she kinda freaked out a little
and said something about it being like auschwitz
which took me off guard a little
i have a similar aversion
but it still seems preferable to burial
on a lot of levels
i assured her that it wasn't anything at all like auschwitz

and she asked emily [our person at the mortuary]
or started to

and i could see in her mind
this image of a mass mound of ashes
and she'd just get a scoop of them

and emily said:
you will get all his ashes and only his ashes
so maybe it is a common point of trauma


i love you
please live forever
you can manage that, right

you enjoy yourself as much as you can
because fun adventures are much better, trust me
than sad adventures

well. i'm seriously considering throwing the lightning card away

i've been getting lightning
again and again
sometimes
when i ask a specific question
it won't show up
but it's just a few down
and
i gotta be honest
i thought it was probably to do with us, somehow
so
i asked question after question
and it would all be rosy, except
except for the lightning

but
this morning
my stepfather
who had been mending nicely
through the woods for sure by now
just slumped over drinking coffee
and when my mother found him he was dead

he's dead
so i helped my mom with the funeral home and stuff
but
she's pretty tore up

maybe i shouldn't have told you
maybe it will make you
less happy

but
it shouldn't
it's ok

i love you

i love you baby

have a beautiful day
i love you very much

goodnight darlin

all i wanna do is.....

good morning baby

i hope everything is good
running smoothly
just the way
you like it

i'm thinking about you
i love you very much
and
i'm really proud of you

maybe it's silly for me to tell you that
maybe you're not doing anything
especially proudifying
or
maybe you are
i'm not sure how you feel about it
so
i'm airing on the side of telling you

you are special
you're like
my magic man

i love you pumpkin

i've been feeling you this evening
well, off and on really all day
that's about as good a massage as you could get
without actually touching, that is

i was thinking the other day
about how totally screwed i'm gonna be
if i'm crazy
and really i'm having seizures or something
but
i consider the consideration to be
at least partial proof
that i'm not crazy

and
although it was a very physically demanding week
i really think my problem is dehydration
or rather
not enough hydration

tonight
tonight i have a headache
and, really, i don't expect you to have much energy
but
i'm going to be rubbing you down
with oil
and
whatever happens
happens

i went to see this movie celeste and jesse forever
which was kind of funny but also kind of sad
but they did this thing with a tube of lip goo that was
adorable

good morning sunshine

i had very strange dreams
and
not really pleasant ones

i hope your night was better

i moved from table to table
with a big group of other people
building garnish for plates
for a banquet i was going to have to attend
at the end of the week

but then there was other stuff too

something about
children's books
some lady was looking for them
and the woman i was standing next to
said:
they're putting her at our table
like that should have upset me
but mostly
what i thought was:
who are you again

the children's books
because i did find those for her
were in big stacks
it was a history series
done in cartoon/comics style:
black and white line drawing
kinda reminded me of lynda barry

then i ended up
at a rehearsal banquet
with a girl and her daughter
whoever this girl was, she was super close to me
and her daughter was my niece, basically

the daughter was saying i had promised her [something
i can't remember what]
and i was saying:
and look now here we are
but she felt like we were here because her mother was
in some sort of beauty contest
but
i was still claiming to have been part of everything
i really felt like i had pulled the whole thing into existence
through sheer force of will

finally, in exasperation
i turned to my beauty queen friend and said:
all this pre-game stuff is bullshit
can we please just go to santa monica

i don't know what that means
any of it


i love you brick

my body hurts

i love you
and
i mean
it's not like i don't want to
but
more than sex
i would kill for a full body massage


be safe
i love you very much

good night, love

good morning vaqero queso fresco

i have to go to bed

i love you
juice

i love you sweetheart

i hope everything is beautiful

i got some indications
that there may be
something
not quite
great
going on with you, but
no indication
that you
were
bad

so
i hope
everything
brightens up for you

wander, but don't get lost

i love you angel

goodnight
beloved

good morning angel-y-toes

goodnight beloved

i love you sweetness gravy

this card has been coming up
in readings about you

http://www.gaiantarot.com/aceoffire/

i'm not sure
what to think this means

can you get high on garlic?

i think
maybe
a little too much garlic in the salad dressing
it was really good, but
mostly what i could taste was garlic
and then
it was like
i could feel the energy of it

i've felt you today too

and
beautiful ovulation stuff

but
when i got done working
and
it went pretty well
i had help
she supported me that way at least
but when i got done
my skin seemed kinda slimy
like i was sweating out yuck
and
i've really wanted a facial
[which i haven't had in probably at least 10 years]
so i went to ulta and bought some stuff

i wanted this exfoliating cleanser that was like $45
DDF, i think it is
but that's ridiculous for a cleanser
http://www.ulta.com/ulta/browse/productDetail.jsp?productId=xlsImpprod1400118

especially since i wanted a good mask
so i ended up with:
http://www.mariobadescu.com/Enzyme-Cleansing-Gel
http://www.eclosbeauty.com/facial-scrub/
http://www.purminerals.com/Mineral-Mudd-Mask-With-Pascalite

and that worked pretty well
followed by one of my favorites
http://usa.loccitane.com/very-precious-regenerating-concentrate,82,1,29206,262897.htm

i don't use it all the time
but i keep coming back to it
because oils seem to do better for me than cream

the blackheads, they were bothering me
and my skin was looking a little fine-line-y
if i do this every few days for a while
i think i'll look resurfaced
my exfoliator was not working for  me
[and it's not like i always remember to wash my face
much less moisturize]

probably this isn't interesting to you

but
i feel better
and, maybe you like product
your skin looks pretty good to me

well, i'm up drinking coffee & eating oatmeal

but
i overslept a little
so
i'm a little rushed

why oh why
was it not important enough
for my boss to remember
that
every stick of fixture
had to move today

i mean
she isn't making me come in early
i had to do that to myself
because
going in at 8a
there would be no way to accomplish this

i would take it personally
but
that's just how she is
you can't take it personally
unless you just want an excuse to be offended

but this right here, what i'm doing
changing my schedule at the last minute
for the needs of the store
she would not do it herself

this would be great for me
if i liked to feel superior
but
i just feel like i have character flaws
which make it impossible for me to do less than my best
no matter how little sense that makes

i love you

i have to go to bed now

because
as it turns out
i have a reset
that no one told me about
so
i'll talk to you
when i get up
about 1:00a

i love you very much

food adventures

i typically make lunches
on days i'm off
i've been happily eating something i call, in my head
ambrosia salad
because it tastes like i think that hideous
gloopy stuff should taste
i make it with shredded wheat
grapefruit, shredded coconut, and
in this latest incarnation
dried cranberry pomegranet blend

i figure this is something that only i would like
but a girl at work asked to try it
and she said it was delicious
which
made me happy
a little
i haven't really had other people eating my food
and
when i'm writing it to you
a lot of it sounds weird to me


but today
today i made sushi rolls
i made the first one
and it looked good
but it tasted like, pretty much nothing
i used brown rice, cucumber, radish, avocado, and smoked salmon
[so i wouldn't have to worry about sushi grade]

so
i decided that sushi must have sauce of some kind that i can't see
so i made one
toasted sesame seed oil, wasabi powder
rice vinegar, mayonaise, salsa verde, "that green sauce"
chipotle salt, black truffle salt, smoked paprika
"slap ya momma white pepper blend"
garlic powder, ginger, and
a little worchester sauce
because i had no fish sauce
[which is what i really thought it needed]
because worchester has some anchovy or something

not too bad
they look nice
they taste, alright, i think
i guess i'll let you know tomorrow

i'm also going back to salads for dinner
[so i'm not carbing up before bed]
but
i've been bad for a while now
about using store bought dressing
which is full of crap

so
i made myself make dressings
well, one isn't finished yet
it is my best recollection of a diet dressing
i got from harpers bazarre or mirabella like twenty years ago
it has no oil at all
but it needs to steep a while
it's fresh garlic and fresh ginger chopped really small
[i just got a ninja master prep
to replace my blender
long, bizarre story]
with lemon juice
apple cider vinegar
and
i put some fresh rosemary in there too
i may put some salt too
after it's steeped for a while
i may mix it with apple juice
[which is what i think i remember]

the one i'm gonna use first
is the garlic ginger mix
with some toasted sesame oil
brown rice vinegar, with a little cider and ume too
a little truffle salt and soy sauce
and a half package of dried oyster mushrooms
all reduced to a coarse paste
spooned into a used dressing bottle
and then filled with water
so it's only 2-3 Tbs oil for the whole bottle

it's really not bad
it still maybe has a little more vinegar
could be a little smoother, less tart
i may still tweak it

but they're not all full of canola oil and preservatives, etc.

so, better

i might have to make a ceasar
i love ceasar
but the store bought is vile, even paul newman brand

i love you honey

good morning australia

i got my first aussie visit
my map is pretty green now

united states and russia are the most frequent visitors
but
i think i have regular readers in
england, germany, and india

i've had nibbles from the pacific rim
but i've never been sure
they weren't just passing through

but
i'm stoked about australia

welcome
make yourself at home

i fell asleep on the sofa

and
i was having these amazingly vivid dreams
about
driving to mexico
and this sunset
and snow
and

visiting this man
a painting mentor from the past
[in the dream]
listening to a tape
experimental
sound speeding up and back
down and forward
cleaning a mirror over his sink

hearing a recording of a bunch of people
who knew him from a variety of different places
many of whom i knew and loved
we're all meeting here
on christmas
if you don't celebrate
spend the whole day
if you do
just drop in
it'll be a thing, you know

and suddenly
i had memories
of years of these get-togethers

and the painter looked at the tape of music
which i thought was genius
and he said:
oh no
don't listen to that


i don't know what this means
but it was
intense


i love you

oh yeah

and
i love you sweetness


what is he thinking about:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=396094&Date=9%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single


what does he want me to know:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=736345&Date=9%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i really like this new girl at work

she's funny
and off-beat
and
a really bad influence
like
between us
we are an h.r. call waiting to happen

if maybe like religo girl happens through

like
the other day she says she wants to go see madame butterfly
which as it turns out is a new ballet rather than the opera i thought
and i'm all like:
i will totally go to any ballet anywhere anytime
[cause i got no one interested in going]
and she's all like:
yeah the girl is laying in the bed
and the guy's all [and she kinda mimes him jumping her]
and i said, hey that's my kinda ballet

and
before i even think
i'm saying:
now, you know they are not gonna have live insertion at the ballet
and she cracks up
but not like the totally new
maybe 22 year old
and completely unvetted new guy in the break room

see, bad influence

today
i am totally exhausted
with mountains of crap to move
cause i'm doing this change-over
and shit was delayed, and whatever

she comes up and says:
is there any way i can help you
and i'm all like: yes, i could really use some help

so she wanders off
and
a few minutes later she says:
are you sure there's nothing i can help you with

bitch, i said yes
i know that's not the kind of thing that's believable
coming from me
but
yes, please help me

so we move a bunch of boxes
and
i'm making my
i'm-lifting-the-boxes-noise
and she's like:
watch out, or you'll get muscles

oh, you haven't seen my arms
[so i show her]

that's just like a dude
ooo and look at you're veins
i bet the doctors love you

yeah
it's cause i'm transparent pale
when i was a kid you could play trace the vein

she just has comebacks to everything
and
she's teasing me
but
not in an annoying way
which is rare-ish

i love you

i have this weird feeling
that i did something bad
like
i upset you or something
now
i can't think
what i could have done
but
just in case

i love you
and i didn't mean to do anything

probably
i'm just paranoid
because i'm feeling a little stressed
because of work
and
i'm going in really early
and
i have that
i-got-up-too-early-and-i-feel-slightly-nauseated feeling

and
yesterday
wasn't stellar

anyway
take care of yourself

i love you very much

this morning, i got a round of applause

i had to go to a meeting
and
i didn't wear
what i'd normally wear
mostly
because i haven't done the laundry yet
but
maybe, partly
because i wanted to wear my new orange shirt

i wore a khaki shirt
which is a knit
[i like knits]
i've had it for 18 or 19 years
but i never wear it
because it is khaki and only comes mid calf
but
i keep it
because sometimes you need something khaki

so
khaki waffle knit skirt
orange shirt
[sheer orange with built in cami]
and brown sparkle tone up thongs
that
that's what got me
a round of applause

when i went to bed

it was like
we weren't synced up
and i tried to meditate to get things together
but
i passed out
before it really got going

i exhausted myself
dreaming

i kept hitting snooze
and
i was driving
wandering through
narrow winding streets
in mexico

i felt like
the whole night
had been some deep
psychic journey

but
not necessarily
a sexual one


[happy happy blood time
must have started about 2pm
so i was off
about a day and a half]


i hope
everything is ok
this is one of those weird days
but
everything should be good for you personally


i love you my darling sock monkey

running late, can't talk

later

i just watched black swan

i didn't see it when it came out
honestly
because i thought it would depress me

it was awesome

just a few minutes ago, driving in the car

i felt you
rubbing your fingers across my lips
across my jaw
down my throat

i love that

so, here's what happened

i had taken 1/2 a melatonin
because i had slept late
and that tends to mean
that i won't be able to sleep
and
i'm still not feeling right
so i needed to sleep

so
i got into bed
and it was exactly like i could feel you
getting in next to me
and
sort of snuggling against me

but then
we were in front of the fireplace
and i took some extra time
to imagine something comfortable for you to lay on
and then
i sorta
mounted up
wrapped my feet under your thighs
and started to rhythmically squeeze

and this line of fire
spread around all the walls
like a gas jet
and the world was on fire

i started moving

you were rubbing your hands
over my breasts

then
i guess the melatonin hit
and i passed out

i love you

i'm going to bed now

i'm imagining you with me

but i'm not scripting it

we'll just see what happens

good night, dear one

well, yesterday, i felt sort of sick

i had chills
and nausea
not very sexy
which is why i didn't write

i don't know what's up with me

but not the wild horniness i sorta expected
but
i haven't started yet
so
who can say

i had weird dreams
maybe i was homeless
i know i was walking around with a shopping cart
and something
something about these shoes
like tennis shoes
but a tribal woven fabric

i hope
that homelessness thing
is not some sort of bad indicator

and
i hope you're ok
and not trying to send me some frantic message
that i didn't get
it was a sort of fever dream
even though
i'm pretty sure
i didn't
don't
have fever

i love you papi

but if we ever live together

let's have a fireplace

if i could sit around the fireplace
talking and drinking wine
i think
that
would feel like heaven

yeah, so, just for clarifcation

my drunk negotiations
not totally
conveying my meaning

what that really meant is
hey
there's not way, right now, that i have
the fine motor control or motivation
to properly see to your needs myself
but
i'm open to a variety of sexual option
which i will now list

i feel like i made it sound like
the only time you get to drive is if i'm
too fucked up
and that was not what i meant to say

so, the mad housewife

it's supposed to be a sweet wine besitos
but it's unbalanced to my taste
sweet-ish
but with an edge
it was a get-er-done type wine
not terrible

and then i opened tabali reserva syrah
that i bought like a year ago
and
not impressed
but i added some of my good belly probiotic
blueberry acai juice
and
boom
sangria-ish
not bad

and
holy crap
veggie patch makes a kick ass falafel
i used a tortilla [jalapeno cheese]
like they did at the food shark in marfa
with a slaw
made with cabbage
toasted sesame oil
umbosi and rice vinegar
eden shakes
and a little tahini
with diced grape tomatoes
and avocado
and it was great

i'm kinda drunk
and you can totally be on top tonight, if you want
if i have another couple glasses
you could maybe even do that thing guys always wanna do
that i'm usually a little too tense for

or we could just spoon and fall asleep
i'm not fussed

i'm having a crappy day

and you are the only thing that is making it better

i've felt you several times

and
this morning
i asked god
to show me a window into the future
will it always be like this
or
will we ever be together
and
whichever way
will it be good

what will it be like

but
god hasn't answered me
or else
i haven't understood

it's not that we've been distant
but
he's been quiet
and
puppyfish has been quiet

my cat's having problems
work has kinda sucked

i feel bad
not like sick
just bad

it needs to all get better
i need to adjust my attitude

maybe i'll have some wine
i have some funny wine
called mad housewife
i don't really expect it to be good
but
i didn't pay for it
seems a shame to waste good wine on a bad attitude

i hope your day is going better
i love you honey

i love you

thoughts

i wish
i had an awesome body
for you
that i could dance
a wild flamenco
that i could incite you

and maybe
maybe someday
maybe someday all of that will come to pass

i can picture it, you know

i had
at one point
one of those tortoise shell combs
that the spanish dancers always had in pictures
and
i would paint a beauty mark on my cheek
paint my lips red

i always wanted a beauty mark
and i have one now
but it isn't what i wanted
it might be
i think it is, in fact
almost exactly where i painted it, initially, eleven years old
but
when i was older
i realized, optimally it would be in the curve of my lip
about a half inch down, a quarter inch over from where it is
and, of course
flat and dark
rather than slightly raised and the same color as the rest of my skin
the one i painted on
was really a dot of eyeliner pencil

i am beautiful
i've always been beautiful
even when i was hiding it really well
i'm just not as beautiful bodily
as i'm supposed to be

and
to be honest
i've never really wanted to be
i feel uncomfortable with that female power thing
the idea of bringing you to your knees
demanding things of you
taking
doesn't feel good to me
and maybe you want that
maybe
maybe if i had done that

i think maybe guys like that
maybe that's why you're crazy for her

i always thought
if i could just bring myself to be a dominatrix
i could make a fortune
and there was a time when i thought i hated men, it should be easy
but
i still couldn't
couldn't begin

but maybe, someday
we can role play
and rather than being the things i feel comfortable being
i'll be the thing that's threatening
the thing
the thing men have always wanted me to be
and i'll be that thing for you

i mean
i don't mean to mislead you
i am, since about twenty one, sexually dominant
just not with that kind of energy
and by that i don't mean whips and chains
i mean that other thing
i don't have a name for it

you know what i am, right
and
what i am
has an animal danger all it's own
and you want that, you want me
but you're scared of me too
and i think you're scared of me in several different ways

so, i don't know

can you handle me

because
right now
i thinking we're in tombstone
or deadwood
in a saloon
and you're picking a girl to go upstairs with
any type of girl
and i embody that

what do you pick

this is not your life partner you're picking, understand
you're picking tonight's girl

i 100% believe in my ability to do this

i must have been eleven

because i didn't start that school
until the fall
of when i was ten
and
that book came out
in the fall, as well

i hope you are happy and healthy
and
enjoying your little blessings

i'm thinking about unimportant things that happened years ago

and
maybe that's not interesting
but
i'm running with it

i was thinking about something
someone may have said to me, or
more probably
it wasn't really directed at me at all
it was just a passing comment
that i somehow latched onto

and it's resurfaced now
causing a kaleidoscope of memory
and
questions
and
if i were a really good writer
i'd get a story out of it
but
i don't know

this passing comment
was something to do with being in a parade

and i thought:
why is she telling me that
hasn't everyone been in a parade
like, a bunch of times, what's the big deal

but
if i force myself to think about it
probably not
probably most people don't

so my memory
is about the first time i was in a parade
and the skirt i wore
and how that skirt made me happy


the first parade i was ever in
was the st patrick's day parade in my hometown
which is a pretty huge parade, actually
i was going to this small weird school
and somehow we were in it

so what i remember most was jumping in and out of the back of a pickup
and the skirt which i think i wore with a mexican peasant blouse
there was nothing particularly irish about my get up
nobody seemed to care

i think the only parade we ever went to see was
one time
the rodeo parade
that would be a good parade to be in

but every year when the trail riders trotted by outside my workplace
i always felt like it was the best parade ever
and it always kinda took me by surprise
and
for me
that's the best parade

this skirt was blue
very blue, dark blue
not navy, not ultramarine, maybe midnight blue
it had tiers of flounce
it wrapped around, so it had a little give as far as stride and whatnot
and it was floor length
kinda gypsy-ish

i was ten, i think
and i think i had just read a romance novel the gypsy from cadiz
[wow i found a review, cool]  https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/tamsin-hamilton/the-gypsy-from-cadiz/#review
and i had always kinda had a thing for gypsies
in a limited child-like way
but
i knew this was the st patrick's day parade
so i was trying to channel some sort of
irish potato peasant energy into the twirling and flapping of the skirt
i thought maybe i was a little irish

this is going to be kinda all over the place

what did that dream mean, it's kinda unsettling me

my mom
when we were travelling
admitted something she never did before

her story had always been
she weighed 103 pounds, and
she knew she was pregnant with me
because she gained three pounds
but that i gave her a stomach that never went away
she looked pregnant unless she was super underweight
and, although she was pretty thin usually she wasn't underweight
and by the time i was maybe 12 she was up to a size 10 maybe
probably not on top
and people still argue with me
[well not anymore really, but they did up to ten years ago]
the last time i saw your mother she was pregnant
no she wasn't
yes she was
not unless you haven't seen her since she was pregnant with me
yes she was
whatever

anyway
the imaginary child is named jennifer
and sometimes she's a better daughter than me
but
what my mom admitted
was that i didn't cause the stomach
she always had it
even at under 100 pounds
because, she says, she is so short-waisted that her guts don't have anywhere else to go but out

so maybe that's where part of it came from
but the non-breathing babies has got to stop
it's upsetting


i have this rug
[this is completely unrelated to the dream]
i bought it at a resale shop years and years ago, like seven maybe
and i have never had it on the floor
ok
i've had it on the floor
but it's always too bright or whatever
it's kind of a watermelon color
but classic floral medallion very traditional
and
i don't even want to over dye it
i just want it to look like it's been fading for 200 years
sort of bleached out neutral
this thing is a tank of a rug
i had it in the trunk of my car for at least two years
and it is completely unscathed
i don't know why
it's bothering me right now
i'd really like to use it
all neutral and barely pink
you can't bleach a wool rug
and i don't have a yard i can lay it out in


was that really peanut butter
or was it a different little nut


i still wonder
if when i feel you
it's something specific that you're thinking
or if you're just thinking about me is enough to do it
like also
does the different ways i think of you feel different to you
i know you don't know what i'm thinking
but
does my thinking about massaging your balls
feel different to you
than
when i'm thinking intensely about
how i don't see how we ever get together
how does it happen
how can it happen, really
and how i wish i could read you're mind
and all the other semi-desperate thoughts i sometimes have

does that feel different than when i'm mentally sexing you
or
is it the intensity alone that you feel

because i do believe that you feel it
at least sometimes


i want you
really a lot, you know
and it'll be premenstrual time again soon
i'm expecting happy happy blood time on or about the 9th
so it may get weird
or horny
or both