my mom is weird

i went out with her today

the way she is dealing with his loss
is beyond bizarre to me

she's been going through his things
she found a nudie magazine dated after the point
at which she made him promise to get rid of them all
[like 4 years ago
and there's a private story that goes with that
which i will not share]

but
so
she's decided
that she didn't really have a marriage
and
she doesn't even want his ashes

but
she actually had an affair
like 20 years ago
and that's not an issue
that's his fault too
[i, of course, did not bring up that fact
i don't even know if she remembers it]

i remember it though
because i was the one who had to tell her
that her anger and jealousy
over what her "friend" was doing with some young girl
really needed to be toned down
or even the step dad was gonna figure it out

i've been thinking of him fondly
and he put up with her for all those years
and now
i guess the only way she can deal with it
is to feel better off without him

i think it's really sad


please god

maybe i ask for a lot already
but
if you could see your way clear to never making me
even one little bit like my mother
i would really really appreciate it

and
maybe, while you at it
throw a little something her way
to fix whatever's wrong with her
she had a really really fucked up childhood, i know
and i have to believe that she just can't help it