thoughts

i wish
i had an awesome body
for you
that i could dance
a wild flamenco
that i could incite you

and maybe
maybe someday
maybe someday all of that will come to pass

i can picture it, you know

i had
at one point
one of those tortoise shell combs
that the spanish dancers always had in pictures
and
i would paint a beauty mark on my cheek
paint my lips red

i always wanted a beauty mark
and i have one now
but it isn't what i wanted
it might be
i think it is, in fact
almost exactly where i painted it, initially, eleven years old
but
when i was older
i realized, optimally it would be in the curve of my lip
about a half inch down, a quarter inch over from where it is
and, of course
flat and dark
rather than slightly raised and the same color as the rest of my skin
the one i painted on
was really a dot of eyeliner pencil

i am beautiful
i've always been beautiful
even when i was hiding it really well
i'm just not as beautiful bodily
as i'm supposed to be

and
to be honest
i've never really wanted to be
i feel uncomfortable with that female power thing
the idea of bringing you to your knees
demanding things of you
taking
doesn't feel good to me
and maybe you want that
maybe
maybe if i had done that

i think maybe guys like that
maybe that's why you're crazy for her

i always thought
if i could just bring myself to be a dominatrix
i could make a fortune
and there was a time when i thought i hated men, it should be easy
but
i still couldn't
couldn't begin

but maybe, someday
we can role play
and rather than being the things i feel comfortable being
i'll be the thing that's threatening
the thing
the thing men have always wanted me to be
and i'll be that thing for you

i mean
i don't mean to mislead you
i am, since about twenty one, sexually dominant
just not with that kind of energy
and by that i don't mean whips and chains
i mean that other thing
i don't have a name for it

you know what i am, right
and
what i am
has an animal danger all it's own
and you want that, you want me
but you're scared of me too
and i think you're scared of me in several different ways

so, i don't know

can you handle me

because
right now
i thinking we're in tombstone
or deadwood
in a saloon
and you're picking a girl to go upstairs with
any type of girl
and i embody that

what do you pick

this is not your life partner you're picking, understand
you're picking tonight's girl

i 100% believe in my ability to do this