i slept in a little

i dreamed
that i had my right nipple pierced
let me clarify
that i have never had any desire whatsoever
to have either nipple pierced
and, really
in the dream
it was not my plan

it just sort of happened

i was in some sort of alternative-palooza
and this guy [?] sticks a needle through me

it didn't hurt
and it was a tiny needle
so then i had a tiny wire through me
and
it was kinda cute, somehow
so i was trying to figure out how to make it work

weird, huh


i'm gonna call my mom in a few minutes
she said she doesn't think she's gonna need me today
but
i'm not sure she's gonna want to be alone
i'm probably going to have to bite the bullet
and have more involvement with her for a while
or else she might go into some sort of negative fugue state

it's probably good that i went on that trip with her
i got somewhat recalibrated to her
and i was able to be what she needed yesterday

it's really unfair
that he went through all that
and then died anyway
but
on my list of ways to die
sitting at the breakfast table, at home, over coffee
not such a bad death

only 64 though, rough

she is gonna have some major readjustment
but it looks like she's gonna be ok
he took a lower retirement payment
so that if he died she'd get like 60% of it
and then there's social security
and the house is paid for

they look ok
we're getting him cremated
which was her idea
but i'm pretty sure that's what he'd want, for various reasons
but
then when we were actually doing it
she kinda freaked out a little
and said something about it being like auschwitz
which took me off guard a little
i have a similar aversion
but it still seems preferable to burial
on a lot of levels
i assured her that it wasn't anything at all like auschwitz

and she asked emily [our person at the mortuary]
or started to

and i could see in her mind
this image of a mass mound of ashes
and she'd just get a scoop of them

and emily said:
you will get all his ashes and only his ashes
so maybe it is a common point of trauma


i love you
please live forever
you can manage that, right

you enjoy yourself as much as you can
because fun adventures are much better, trust me
than sad adventures