this is going to be kinda all over the place

what did that dream mean, it's kinda unsettling me

my mom
when we were travelling
admitted something she never did before

her story had always been
she weighed 103 pounds, and
she knew she was pregnant with me
because she gained three pounds
but that i gave her a stomach that never went away
she looked pregnant unless she was super underweight
and, although she was pretty thin usually she wasn't underweight
and by the time i was maybe 12 she was up to a size 10 maybe
probably not on top
and people still argue with me
[well not anymore really, but they did up to ten years ago]
the last time i saw your mother she was pregnant
no she wasn't
yes she was
not unless you haven't seen her since she was pregnant with me
yes she was
whatever

anyway
the imaginary child is named jennifer
and sometimes she's a better daughter than me
but
what my mom admitted
was that i didn't cause the stomach
she always had it
even at under 100 pounds
because, she says, she is so short-waisted that her guts don't have anywhere else to go but out

so maybe that's where part of it came from
but the non-breathing babies has got to stop
it's upsetting


i have this rug
[this is completely unrelated to the dream]
i bought it at a resale shop years and years ago, like seven maybe
and i have never had it on the floor
ok
i've had it on the floor
but it's always too bright or whatever
it's kind of a watermelon color
but classic floral medallion very traditional
and
i don't even want to over dye it
i just want it to look like it's been fading for 200 years
sort of bleached out neutral
this thing is a tank of a rug
i had it in the trunk of my car for at least two years
and it is completely unscathed
i don't know why
it's bothering me right now
i'd really like to use it
all neutral and barely pink
you can't bleach a wool rug
and i don't have a yard i can lay it out in


was that really peanut butter
or was it a different little nut


i still wonder
if when i feel you
it's something specific that you're thinking
or if you're just thinking about me is enough to do it
like also
does the different ways i think of you feel different to you
i know you don't know what i'm thinking
but
does my thinking about massaging your balls
feel different to you
than
when i'm thinking intensely about
how i don't see how we ever get together
how does it happen
how can it happen, really
and how i wish i could read you're mind
and all the other semi-desperate thoughts i sometimes have

does that feel different than when i'm mentally sexing you
or
is it the intensity alone that you feel

because i do believe that you feel it
at least sometimes


i want you
really a lot, you know
and it'll be premenstrual time again soon
i'm expecting happy happy blood time on or about the 9th
so it may get weird
or horny
or both