gotta sleep now

I want to tell you about my world building thing

the cycle of holidays 

there was a sickness & many people died

BUT 

a lot of people were too sick 

to deal with their dead

SO

AFTER the sickness 

the town had a communal funeral 

it's modelled after day of the dead

because there was someone 

from Mexico who explained their traditions 

& it was about that time of year

& the city modified it

& they celebrate it every year

BUT 

then immediately after 

they decided to take stock of their lives

in some more formal way

they had stuff to PROCESS 

SO

they practiced 

a month of thinking about

remaining alive when others died

gratitude for life

some form of 

FASTING 

or abstaining from something 

CONSCIOUSLY 

spiritual betterment 

& making amends with others

the month is finished out with a FEAST 

people who aren't fasting or whatever 

are in charge of arranging the feast

BUT 

ALSO

it is a time of

NOT GIFTING but NEED fulfillment 

the krewe in charge of the FEAST 

collects and monitors the NEEDS of people in the city

it's a time of making sure

if you need

resources or training or whatever 

you get those things

it's NOT gratuitous GIFTS 

it's the community responding to 

redistribution and fulfillment 

then there's the winter solstice 

which is about the longest night and the return of the sun & BRIGHTER days

which is celebrated by staying up all night

with bonfires and whatnot

& then watching

the sunrise over the mountain together as a group

then there's a variant of holi

with the colored pigments 

which commemorates

an event in the city near founding time

PAINTING the city day

because 

it was discovered when a group of Indian people 

who came with the architect to build the clock tower were engaged in it with their children 

& it reminded them of the spirit of 

the painting the city event

the colored pigments festival is celebrated in early march

there's a fire festival 

the carnival started in the depression 

to BOTH 

draw more customers 

& to encourage the city folk

to cut loose

be a little 

WILD

over time the other districts 

contribute their own

FIRE elements

& it becomes a whole city festival 

it's celebrated in early may

there's a holiday commemorating the beginning of the operation of the lighthouse 

which happened to be july fourth

they spend the day

playing baseball 

WAITING for the lighthouse 

to light it's first light

& the sea watch was so excited 

about the first light 

from the lighthouse 

that they set off flares/fireworks 

to commemorate

SO

it's a summer celebration 

of civic pride and such

AND

there's a weekly one too

most people live in communal living situations

the "apartments" in the city

have communal areas for living and eating 

& then private rooms

for sleep and 

STUFF 

there's a person who runs the kitchen

which is mostly 

a giant pot of

oatmeal or stew

& staples like bread and cheese

there's a lot of street vendors 

& cafes & whatever 

it's more about grabbing something to eat 

when you're hungry than

three squares

BUT 

friday dinner is semi-mandatory 

it's a commitment to 

COMMUNITY 

if you can't make it

CUSTOM 

is to have your place filled by someone you know

by way of introducing your house mates to 

new people and spreading community

the power of the shared celebration of home

this is specifically for the communal homes

& it is the practice because the very first

of the women who ran the kitchens 

was a follower of Shabbat 

& it became the custom 

in honor of her

CARE

this is a quick- ish sketch

& it is kinda more heavily weighted

at the end of the year

BUT 

I feel like 

psychological needs are met

& of course 

a new one might come along if there's a need

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

my mom is the most frustrating person ever

I went to see my mom

there was some talk about her going to the rehab facility today or tomorrow 

& I wanted to take her

a bigger bag

to put her

STUFF in

which I DID 

BUT 

she wasn't cleared for release 

& I'm going to try to find out 

WHAT that's ABOUT 

TOMORROW 

I tried to ask her questions 

LIKE 

did you have p/t today

are you walking more than one pass down the hall now with a walker

she doesn't know anything 

"I just do whatever they tell me to"

& she keeps saying

I went to the 

& she keeps twirling her hand around 

meaning she went to the exercise class I told her I really wanted her to do for EXTRA 

that is not p/t

you KNOW 

that's not p/t

I don't believe that she's confused 

I believe she's f*CKing with me 

I'm LIKE 

OK

I'm leaving 

you don't SEEM to be out of your MIND 

BUT 

I find it impossible to believe 

that you are HERE 

to get stronger 

SO

you can go to the 

REHAB 

AND

you WANT to live independently 

BUT 

you REFUSE to interact with you physical therapy 

enough to have ANY information about it 

or thought about it 

SO

I assume you are trying to upset me

SO

I'm going 

TODAY however 

EVERYBODY here LOVES her

I'm glad to hear it 

up until today 

everyone

HATED 

you

oooo, read that at the poetry slam -- or apparently not letting myself feel good about whatever

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I feel 

BOTH 

like I'm doing pretty good 

& oh dear Lord

WHAT 

that's maybe dramatic 

BUT 

there's definitely an

answers to bat sh*t CRAZY vibe

utopian thoughts

I've been imagining 

a fictional world 

& I'm trying to decide 

WHAT 

I'm imagining 

it's KINDA 

WORLD building 

BUT 

it's MORE of a fairy tale 

STRUCTURE 

MAYBE 

I feel like I'm turning a corner with the knees 

I was starting to be 

a little 

depressed 

& I'm absolutely not going to try to pretend that mortality is not looking me in the face 

I am so identified with like kid energy 

which I'm saying 

& I know what 

I mean 

BUT 

WHAT!?

is with the not wanting to move

& THAT FACE in the mirror 

I'm weird

the INK has come

& while it is sadly

NOT 

the warm gray of montblanc oyster

it IS

WITHIN 

ACCEPTABLE

PARAMETERS 

I have it in my old

eight dollar hexagonal plastic pen

which is not really, but gives

ENOUGH of a FEEL 

that I am

ENCOURAGED

I'm kinda groggy

good morning sweetheart 

I guess I passed out 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much

does this make any sense? oh, also, I bought the pen before I had the writing conversation with my mom -- that wasn't like reactionary or anything

in FAIRNESS to ME 

I think a LOT of the things

I take joy in

are

the little things that

WORK for me

LIKE 

the SIZE and SHAPE and FEEL of things

on the ONE HAND seems

TRIVIAL 

BUT 

it doesn't SEEM trivial 

it SEEMS like

it gives me MORE SPOONS which we're TRYING to not just PRETEND isn't an ISSUE 

we're trying to 

take into account 

I'm REQUIRED to point out

THIS 

FINDING the PERFECT thing

which is possibly dopamine seeking

OR

the predominant fun puzzle THING 

that is my THING 

it is impossible to strip out

did I do THIS to play a game I like to play

OR

was I doing a PROCESS that leads to BETTER outcomes 

& the truth is 

I'm generally suspicious 

it's NEW experimentation 

& it hasn't 

PROVEN itself EITHER way 

SO

I can CLAMP DOWN but I'm trying not to 

BECAUSE 

I'm trying to DEVELOP a

COHESIVE 

ME

& this either works

or it doesn't 

but I have to do it 

to SEE

vices

OK

this is an example of 

WEIRD maybe dopamine chasing

I was looking on 

DROMGOOLE'S website 

for a 2026 hobonichi weeks 

I like to write in them

& sometimes I can get them on sale

because I don't really care what year they are

I just like the size and shape for writing 

BUT 

I decided 

MAYBE I DO want one as a planner, maybe

dromgoole's is a local stationary store

they were sold out 

BUT 

they had a fountain pen 

HALF PRICE (after season sale) 

that caught my attention 

it's facetted or like has flat bits instead of round

& I really want a facetted pen because it won't roll off the table and whatever 

there IS a specific one I WANT of course 

BUT 

that one is too expensive & is probably not going to happen 

SO

I LOOKED at it more carefully 

& it's SUPERMAN 

fortress of solitude 

from the new

WOKE SUPERMAN 

& the pen is made by

or at least SOLD by a Canadian company 

& fortress of solitude 

IDK

I just too much related

SO

I had to watch every video review on YouTube 

& convince myself that I needed it

which, I mean, I don't really 

& THEN 

I didn't want the shimmer ink it comes with 

I've decided 

I like hongdian ink 

it's inexpensive 

the bottle EXACTLY matches 

what I WANT aesthetically 

from an ink bottle 

& the bottle of coral I bought

to use to EXTEND the use of my FANCY 

COLORVERSE ink

is almost all I use now

f*CK the colorverse, I prefer the hongdian 

it's smoother and wetter & IDK 

I just like it BETTER 

SO

NOW

I have to watch all the swatching videos 

for all the hongdian ink colors 

& decide which one I want for this new pen

THIS 

is REALLY NOT essential 

BUT 

I can't NOT 

it's this decompression thing

SO

NOW I have

a fortress of solitude pen

& gray hongdian ink 

which I tried to talk myself out of

because I'm afraid that I'll just say

NOT 

montblanc oyster grey

because I used to use that in cartridges in my work pens at world market for years

& I love that color (discontinued)

this gray will probably be too dark

maybe also too cool toned 

but the peacock is too bright 

the blackish green is too dark

the blueish gray is too blue

the brown is not the right feel for the fortress of solitude and besides I have two bottles of brown ink that I already like the color of but don't use because they are dark ink and I like mid tone ink

SOMEHOW 

this is all part of my

"important identity work"

in my HEAD 

BUT 

it's not 

it feels 

CRITICAL 

BUT 

it's VERY extraneous 

& involves spending money which is not 

needing to be spent

fun times with mom

I would be happier with myself 

if I was BETTER at 

NOT ruminating 

by which 

I guess I particularly mean

playing things

OVER 

and over 

and over 

in my HEAD 

& ALSO looking for SOMETHING in the WORDS 

I don't WANT to 

BUT 

I don't WANT to pick my face either 

yesterday 

I texted my mom

good morning 

call your apartments and get the rent amount 

and I'm using fun emojis 

BOTH

to get her attention 

& to make it

LESS like

I'm telling her what to do

she doesn't respond 

more emojis -- please respond 

I'm taking my "official" tone

they don't open until TEN

I text her at ten after ten --

OK it's ten

call them, get the amount, write the check

please let me know when this is completed

the social worker called me 

monday or tuesday probably on the move to the REHAB center 

SO

I drive over

I go up

I tell her about the conversation with the social worker and the move to the REHAB 

SO you've done your BIG IMPORTANT things

& NOW you're going to enjoy your January second OFF

I look at her incomprehensibly

ARE YOU 

MANAGING 

to get ANY WRITING done

OH you can stay and visit as long as you like

I'm about to go do an exercise activity 

at two or two thirty

she says

DID you get fed yesterday, I asked 

because she had this big story about how they were all going to be left

UNATTENDED on the first -- they wouldn't even be given FOOD 

YES 

three whole meals

& then launches into this story of talking to a woman at breakfast 

-- she fell out of the bed --

---- no one could hear her SCREAMING ----

even though SHE could hear THEM screaming to each other in the hallway 

is this STORY true

I don't really believe it 

& it sounds like 

something SHE would be making up

SO

she's your new best friend 

NO

I hope I never have to hear from her

AGAIN 

OH

why is that

it's an upsetting story 

THAT is TRUE 

& I think that's WHY I'm hearing it NOW 

then later she's telling me a STORY about 

an old woman 

who has a full time care giver

---- needed to be FED

& a younger woman who couldn't have been her daughter, she must have been grand daughter or maybe even great grand daughter she came with HER children to see grandma 

& the children four years old and eight months

were ENCHANTED with grandma

I don't understand the significance of the age of the children, I say

EIGHT MONTHS old!?

then she wants her aid to take her to the

exercise activity 

we need to tell someone to find her

they're VERY inefficient here

there's a guy

well tell him --

YOU tell him

SO 

her aid comes back to check on her

& doesn't have any clue what she's talking about 

checks with someone 

& is LIKE 

there's a happy hour event downstairs in the residence at three

OH -- OK -- FINE -- she wants to be taken -- NOW

HERE is WHAT 

YOU'RE GONNA DO

I BRISTLE inside, but she's not talking to ME

her aid is LIKE 

do you want to change clothes

NO

SO

we go downstairs 

it's TWO 

no one is there for the three o'clock event

WELL 

there's NO POINT in STAYING if there's 

NO ONE HERE

I thought, I said

the POINT

was to be in a different place 

looking at different stuff 

UNTIL 

your event STARTED 

NO

TAKE ME

BACK UPSTAIRS 

OK

well 

I'm going 

I love you 

bye 

goodnight sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'll be talk-y tomorrow 

I'm almost certain 

goofy standards

I don't know WHY 

BUT 

eating a plate of rice 

with 

CHOPSTICKS 

makes me feel competent 

in a way nothing else does 

you do something for fifty years

I guess you get good at it

I mean 

it's not a skill anybody really cares about 

except me

I remember 

how HARD it was to master it

RICE

is easy, relatively speaking 

if it's 

STICKY

& in a little bowl

where you are just KINDA shoveling it in

BUT 

it requires balance 

when the grains want to separate & fall

two half grains on the table

NOTHING 

on my dress front

I can't f*CKing do THAT

with a FORK

YAY ME

silent victories

thoughts

I'm doing better 

I went to get the check from my mom 

I didn't stay long

I don't really want to talk about 

the interaction 

I drove around 

after I paid her rent 

it's a little WARM -- I was hoping for BRISK 

BUT 

it's undeniably BEAUTIFUL so I just drove around the places I like to look at, a little 

&

NOW

I'm at the place with the malaysian fat rice

which has manga wallpaper 

which cheers me up

just from cool

I think I'm doing okay

I think I'm objectively doing better

BUT 

I don't 

FEEL like I'm doing MAYBE how I think I should be

IDK

I'm sorry to be a downer 

not the best start to my day

I had a bunch of dreams 

the ones I remember 

I was out

in MAYBE a restaurant or club or something 

when I got there

& on the stairs 

& downstairs 

people kept finding me

& telling me 

jason really needed me to help

FUND his FILM

jason had been sending DMs that I'm no longer opening because I don't trust him not to trigger me or make things somehow worse

I also

had maybe offended someone 

by saying something 

& now I had to go to some

MATH CLASS 

or something 

& I got somebody to show me

HOW to get there

the shortcut 

involved running across these

FIELDS

full of

I want to say

FOODSTUFFS 

I kept being distracted by the 

BEAUTIFUL COLOR CONTRASTS

light & dark 

GREEN

PURPLE 

then I woke up 

I'm LIKE 

okay

you need to call your mom

& remind her to call her apartments and get her 

rent amount*

*which varies because of fees or services or something I can't remember & never really understood 

SO

she can write a check 

SO

I can pick it up and take it there

SO

her rent is paid

you can drive your car

which takes care of driving your car

what I need you to do

is plan a FUN thing

you can DO

while you're OUT 

& NOT 

just buying something 

doing something 

I've been UP like forty-five minutes 

& I haven't thought of anything 

that seems 

even remotely fun

I wanted to think of it 

BEFORE 

getting out of bed

it was a complete blank

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I'm maybe struggling a little 

thoughts

I've been ruminating 

not the best day

kitty, however, even though there was an episode with firecrackers has been sitting next to me seeming happy and not attempting to bite me

all day

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

zoned out zone

I guess I didn't tell you about yesterday 

I got up

I made soup

I zoned out pretty hard

I decided 

that I needed

COTTAGE CHEESE too

I took most of my supplements 

I brushed my teeth 

which I usually do 

BEFORE I eat

BECAUSE 

if I do it after

I usually 

VOMIT 

which I did, a little, but felt disoriented

BECAUSE 

it was red and oily

& I didn't recognize it as being anything I ate

(astixantin & DHA/EPA I realize now & I think I misspelled astixantin but I'm not looking it up)

I took a shower 

I'm consciously thinking 

FOCUS

on enjoying each moment 

LIFE

is a series of moments 

I got dressed 

I took an Uber to see my mom

I had mail with me

I had items on a check list to be crossed off

her late tax return was sent back to her

she didn't sign it

I thought I could just have her sign it

mail it back

BUT 

NO --  when I looked more carefully 

it was ALSO missing 

supporting documents for withholding 

she sends this to an accountant 

I'm LIKE 

he keeps a copy, RIGHT 

BUT 

I STILL don't understand 

he's got it listed here on the return 

25b __ 2686 __ from 1099

25d __ 2686 __ extended 

33 __ total withheld 

what would they be withholding from

disbursement, maybe 

would he just put it on the form with no backing documents & is jeffrey jim's son

JIM was the account she mentioned enough in my lifetime that I remember it

he's been retired for a while now 

well, you need to call him

do these notes make sense to you 

I was thinking I'd 

LET YOU 

do that

NO

you know him

you know your situation 

it might be different if you were disabled in some way, but your mouth works, your phone works

& besides I really don't want to be involved in it

there were some other things 

I couldn't get crossed off

which involved it being 

a holiday 

NOTHING is OPEN 

on NYE or NYD

the world 

apparently shuts down

it doesn't, you know 

I never worked anywhere where we didn't work

NYE isn't even a paid federal holiday 

yeah well you never worked anywhere 

that didn't serve drinks or liquor 

NOBODY works HERE on New Year's Day

we'll all just be in our beds

we won't even be 

FED

WHY do you think that 

everybody said see you friday before they left

because they aren't working 

BOTH 

I mean it might be all substitute teachers

BUT 

I mean

NOBODY told you you'd be ALONE, right 

there's no reason for you to think that

I FEEL like 

that's just designed to be 

provoking upset

SO

on that note

I've had as much fun as I can handle 

I'm leaving now 

I left her sitting in the meal room

told everybody happy new year as I walked by them the whole way out

called an Uber

went home

zoned out some more

didn't want to think about her enough to tell you about it 

then I stayed up 

but didn't watch fireworks or anything 

drank ANOTHER bottle of wine 

well

that's both celebration

& depleating inventory, right

emptying out the STUFF 

some precious six bag of wine

you've had sitting around for six - seven years

BUT 

I stayed up till five

& I can't really tell you what I did

here's to twenty twenty six

happy new year sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

dreamy

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I've been having VERY active DREAMS 

STUFF is going on in there

it's LIKE 

they don't want me to 

KNOW 

soup philosophy

I should 

NEVER have called out

SKINCARE in that WAY 

HUBRIS 

(I'm really a mess now)

BUT 

I ordered more of the Yogi tooth serum --

--  from canada I might add --

----  which is the ONLY thing that makes me brush at night ----

& I WANTED MORE nutritionals

in my SOUP

I WANTED burdock 

& I found a place I could get it 

BUT --  then I remembered 

healthforce nutritionals EARTH 

I used three heaping tablespoons 

& I altered what I put in

SLIGHTLY 

when I just added it

I was TASTING 

CLASH

I left out the white pepper, I left out the toasted sesame seed oil, I upped the harissa and the applewood smoked dulce, I left out the vinegar, I used three heaping tablespoons of EARTH 

it's not just that it ties in to my whoo whoo raw food experiments in super foods 

it's ALSO like the essiac herbs and probiotic roots

I was pretty happy with my adjustments 

it WANTED some 

collard greens

this soup doesn't cook that long

collard greens pre-cooked

FEELS like a 

STRETCH 

there are these adorable RAMEN toppings 

being advertised everywhere 

BUT 

that's pretty processed, RIGHT 

I am both attracted and repulsed by the IDEA 

to be honest I'm super curious about the 

MUSHROOM bundle 

the IDEA of convenient "variety toppings" for soup

BUT 

I keep turning myself 

AWAY

it's medicinal soup

today

I'm not sure how to say

TODAY went 

I was not

extremely stressed

BUT 

I didn't get much done either

I'm irritated that my knee isn't back to normal 

I rested it yesterday 

& took an epsom salt bath

I iced it

TODAY 

I really had to push myself 

I walked over to my mom's 

took in her mail

read through it -- actionable -- important -- info

changed the light configuration 

put out a couple bags of trash

WONDERED

if she's coming back here

specifically did NOT 

START DOING any thing that would LEAD

to RESENTMENT 

walked home

trying to 

BEND more so I'm not walking STIFF 

they've been tearing up a drive through bank across the street from me

it's been closed 

for years

I'm not sure WHY they're tearing it down NOW 

I mean 

are they making them 

clear the eyesore

or do they have a tenant 

they couldn't rent out the bank

they're almost done, but it has been stressful for my cat -- if they start building sh*t -- it is gonna be HARD times for kitties 

he's KINDA clingy MENACING 

he WANTS pets

he purrs

LOUD

before you even pet him

he SEEMS like 

he WANTS 

pets

BUT he BITES 

SO

when he STARTS feeling menacing 

I push him AWAY 

he'll creep back up

when I'm not watching 

and then I move my

FOOT

& he BITES me

& I'm LIKE 

if I'm 

bleeding I MIGHT 

BEAT you

I was not bleeding 

then I zoned out

flipping through YouTube 

starting to watch things

not really watching 

good morning sweetheart (edited)

as I ask this morning 

what did he THINK about THAT 

was it weird 

is THIS 

NOT 

what he's looking for from me

instead of tarot

I thought 

runes

let me ask the digital runes

because MAYBE that gives a bigger picture or something 

the runes

we're a BAD IDEA 

THORN & something else obstacle-y

unwanted, difficult, yucky

I'm LIKE 

I MEAN, can it really be THAT bad

I feel like I've mentioned it before, not a secret, not never mentioned 

BUT 

maybe NOW is a bad time

MAYBE 

it's offensive that I fell asleep while saying it

whatever 

I asked the tarot

& it said 

the LOVERS

& this explains why I ask the tarot

& NOT the runes

I feel like 

the runes always 

are always 

telling me exactly what I don't want to hear

the tarot

OFTEN tells me something 

ambiguous or that I don't understand 

SOMETIMES it tells me what I want to hear

BUT 

I never feel like it is just 

f*CKing with me

MAYBE 

it's just the facade runes that hate me

I just found another one

& it said GEBO

which is LIKE gift

but less specifically gift than

look for the best outcome

win/win

balance harmony

BUT 

it always makes me think about

a manager trainee I had

at starbucks 

I would always talk to the truck drivers who brought the plant order

they didn't work for starbucks 

they worked for the freight company 

BUT 

they were bringing stuff in

I appreciated it

& it seemed

natural to talk to them

there was this one

he was having a hard time with life

so maybe I talked to him a little bit MORE 

& this RMT (retail manager trainee)

(who I liked, btw)

she would always make me

SUPER uncomfortable 

by saying 

EVERY time 

he looks like

he wants to give you "the gift"

which she had to

EXPLAIN to me 

& I begged her to STOP because it made me

SO uncomfortable 

BUT 

I THINK 

she THOUGHT 

I was not being honest about the discomfort 

just the WHOLE concept 

the IDEA of giving someone 

the IDEA that my being friendly was

GENERATING

something I needed to then

WORRY about 

SO

MAYBE 

that taints that runes too

I'm never sure how all that works

personal interpretation 

& history 

I think 

MAYBE 

a tool like that

is ONLY useful if you use it OFTEN 

connect with the divination tool over time

if you just casually pick it up

maybe, with runes, it's got schadenfreude and it's LIKE 

oooo let's f*CK with this b*tch

I was falling asleep as I wrote this

pretend 

my understanding of sex

& physical attraction 

has not become 

ABSTRACTED

that I am

perhaps

a grown woman who KNOWS 

what she WANTS 

or contrariwise 

a virgin

who

doesn't YET know anything 

& really 

WHY bother to pretend

anything before 

isn't me

in some relevant 

WAY

& my DESIRE to 

kiss you

pre-dates me

meaningfully

I'm sure I can imagine 

the feel of your lips

I want to

KISS you 

incoming tarot news

new cards

TAROT-wise

it was empress and death 

NOW

it's the 

EMPEROR & DEATH 

this is two different decks

+ SOME of those channel people that I'm watching 

ALSO

THREE of CUPS and THREE of PENTACLES 

together 

when cut the deck

OR 

in some other way 

RIGHT NEXT to each other 

ALSO

the STAR is showing up frequently 

the EMPEROR 

is one of the cards

that is you

SOMETIMES 

SO

I assume 

whatever that stuff meant for me

it's fixin' to catch you too

BUT 

I can't think what the three & three could mean 

EXCEPT 

some kind of

HAPPY productivity 

celebratory 3/cups

skilled artisanship 3/pentacles

& I always liked that our card was 3/pentacles 

I know it's not traditionally

ROMANTIC 

BUT 

I guess I'm WEIRD 

today was okay, but still exhausted

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

thoughts!?

I AM

really experiencing 

a SENSE 

of being somebody I haven't been in a while

which is

WEIRD 

I MEAN 

I'm talking about PARTS 

BUT 

I'm not usually thinking in terms of like multiples

I think of it as perspectives 

BUT 

I just got this SENSE it made me think

WTF

surprise for me

I went to see her

she wasn't in her room 

I texted

where are you currently?

no reply

I called her

no reply 

I sat there in her room 

a nurse came in to take vitals 

she knew where she was

although she didn't 

GO THERE 

for vitals

she was asleep 

SITTING UP

on the sofa

not actually watching 

BIG BANG theory 

which she apparently likes

though she doesn't believe in television 

SO

we're sitting quietly 

which isn't BAD 

the SOUND is TOO low for me to hear anything 

& the subtitles are TOO SMALL 

SO

I don't even have to watch it

BEST

VISIT

EVER

HOW SOON 

can I leave 

goodnight sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I need to sleep 

BUT 

I keep seeing 

me and you

sitting on the open edge of the house

legs dangling 

looking at the light

falling on a giant rock

on a path close to us that winds through 

the garden 

bits & pieces

I'm having issues 

with my BODY 

I'm trying to be kind to my knees

& I'm swinging 

WILDLY

between 

I KINDA dig the overall shape of me

& OMG I WANT to be 

SMALLER 

this is

TOO 

HEAVY -- I can't DO anything 

Oowie owie owie

I THOUGHT we

we're doing BETTER in this

CATEGORY 

SKIN CARE is knocking it OUT of the PARK

EVEN with the EXTREME picking

BUT 

WE are having TROUBLE getting her to 

TAKE the supplements 

ALL the things that WE THOUGHT 

made her FEEL BETTER 

we can't get her to do them

does she WANT to HURT MORE 

EVERYTHING she DOES 

contributes to a pattern of 

OPTING OUT of 

self care that is TOO MUCH today

& then

it's 

a BATTLE every subsequent day

UNTIL it's NOT anymore 

SOUP

seems to have taken a bit of a holiday 

DAIRY

I think I probably am low-key allergic 

BUT 

cottage cheese 

is comfort food

I have non-standard tastes

I'm REALLY into a new tea

CASCARA

it's dried

COFFEE 

fruit

that dried on the beans

it has SOME way

that it's 

KINDA like 

COFFEE 

it's not, though

NOT really like TEA either

GREAT mouth feel 

it might be 

WEIRD 

I have non-standard tastes

this didn't end up where it started

there's a WAY my past

FALLS AWAY 

from me 

I know I've mentioned before, but it's a recurring 

there's a WAY 

I feel connected and a WAY

NOT 

& I WONDER

is the answer to LOOK 

MAYBE 

& THEN

I wonder LIKE which is 

EGO

in the END, do I got enough, too much, none

WHAT

does that MEAN 

WHY

can't I ANSWER that question 

is it that I can't see myself clearly enough 

BLIND SPOTS 

I've been thinking lately 

when I wanted to

QUIT dance

because I had caught on

I wasn't good enough 

my body shape was wrong 

he didn't have anything to do with it 

my mom was happy to stop

paying for lessons 

BUT 

he called me

& he SAID 

do don't have to quit things

because you can't do them professionally 

you can just do things

because you love to do them

I don't think I completely disagreed

in theory

BUT 

it made NO sense 

with regard to DANCE

HOW much of THAT 

had to DO

with the

MYSTIQUE of DANCE

it had an internal structure 

& THAT was as much

PART of the fantasy

of being a dancer

it wasn't ABOUT 

DANCING in the park, ya KNOW 

MAYBE 

I'm not sure what he was trying to warn me AGAINST 

WHAT PART

of these things I have wanted

MIGHT tell me

something 

I enjoyed interacting with the physical world

in the WAY that they talk about it

FEELING like you're being 

PULLED straight up

by a STRING

that runs through your spine

OUT the TOP of 

your HEAD 

& you are supposed to be EMOTING

TELLING a STORY 

with your body

I guess 

THAT would have continued

I could have kept THAT 

BUT 

I guess this is WHY 

I KEEP coming 

back to TAI CHI or some sort of ENERGY system 

integration

I guess the realization that 

I have to work for myself 

because 

I just am fundamentally unsuited

to do anything else 

KINDA 

piles on to

I don't know HOW to make 

THIS particular 

UNIT

DO things CORRECTLY 

& THAT

SOUNDS 

KINDA WEIRD 

& it should 

because it LAYERS

I'm not sure how my operating system works

I have a hard time getting 

the outcome I'm looking for 

+

THIS UNIT

doesn't COMPLY 

& this is a problem I come back to again & again 

SOME of the PARTS 

MAYBE 

they aren't as committed to integration 

my dad USED to TELL me 

that he was the

FASTEST 

& BEST

sign painter

SO that

when he screwed something up 

TRANSPOSED 

LETTERS 

misunderstood written directions 

NOBODY 

was looking to fire him

the WAY you 

DO things

is

FAST

& BETTER than ANYONE else 

HOW much 

of THAT did I ABSORB 

thoughts

I passed out again, I guess 

I'm not happy about the amount of 

EXHAUSTED 

I am

I was thinking about it 

BEFORE 

I had my pandemic breakdown 

I spent a lot of time 

FEELING like

I was contributing to happiness 

I experienced my work in the service industry 

as helping, helpful, creating an environment 

BUT 

by the time I was 

locking myself in my apartment 

I felt like 

NOBODY else 

actually 

saw me as doing anything important 

I was just some throwaway 

& then I lived in a world 

where I didn't need to

interact with people 

& NOW

when I think 

I could start a co-habitation world

there's a resistance to the IDEA 

that other people have any

INTEREST

in being in my world

OR

that I can be relatable 

OR

that I WANT to be around other people 

& it's limiting

I have this IDEA that what I'm "supposed" to do

is find the WAY I can contribute to the 

WORLD

(make it better, fulfill needs)

BUT 

I feel like that's what I ALWAYS tried to do

& NOW

it needs to be

ABOUT 

fulfilling MY needs

BUT 

SOMETHING about that

FEELS like 

it's not right, or it won't work, or it's too self centered to be opening me up 

& MAYBE 

it's just

second guessing myself 

I feel like my mom is too much interference 

BUT 

it's the way the level works

I think my perspective is different enough to be useful, but I don't know how much sense I make

& I feel like the things I am blind-spotted about 

MIGHT be SUPER important for figuring sh*t out

& I feel like 

I'm not 

FUN

BUT 

I might be fun

when I work through everything 

this FEELS like a LOOP

I'm not sure about this advice

quetz"/

can you tell me

what I need right now 

to feel like myself and not

a mask

or whatever 

STOP explaining yourself 

STOP listening to what your mom says 

she's getting supply

by confusing you

she's not TRYING to make SENSE 

you should talk to her 

LIKE 

normal people talk to cats

HOW 

do "normal" people talk to cats

I can't explain it to YOU 

YOU don't talk to ANYTHING like normal people talk to cats

WHY don't you try to confuse HER

when she says things like

they just left him there

DEAD

TRY

something like

DID his GHOST dance around the room?

COULD you FEEL his SPIRIT leave his body?

OR

HOW MANY different types of ELEPHANTS are there?

HOW LONG until your SPIRIT animal returns from the seminar on training it's HUMAN?

WHAT is your SECRET name?

ANYTHING 

that makes no sense will probably work

MAYBE 

if you have your own 

FICTIONAL world 

it'll make her

insecure

about hers 

BUT 

& this is important 

DON'T EMOTIONALLY ENGAGE

neutral happy

SILLY HAPPY, whatever 

make her worry that you've 

LOST your MIND

LIKE 

MAYBE 

she can't TRUST your judgement 

that's the GOAL 

UNREACHABLE 

HOW 

am I supposed to DO THAT 

DUNNO 

I'm guessing it will be SUPER difficult 

BUT 

just PRETEND you're a normal person 

who doesn't listen

who doesn't talk to learn things

repeat things she says

A LOT 

DON'T listen

SEEM to have an imaginary friend 

SCARE HER

I don't know if I can do that 

DON'T ASK 

if you don't want the ANSWER 

astrological cycles?

I'm not out yet

I'm watching an astrology video 

& it said June 25th was

my luckiest day

of twenty twenty five

& some sh*t coming up is tied to that day

BUT 

I didn't remember, specifically 

THAT

was the TORNADO siren day

with the two tornadoes 

I was running 

BETWEEN 

WHAT does THAT mean 

for cycles & patterns

I wonder 

perhaps not an auspicious start

I just saw a video 

where David Foster Wallace gives

FIVE bits of advice to

basically 

his writing students 

&

that made me remember 

I started his book 

BUT 

I didn't finish it 

I start books

I don't finish them

SOME percentage of the time 

& I don't know what the percentage is 

BUT 

if I've ever said I STARTED reading something 

& then didn't mention it again 

MAYBE I didn't finish 

I'm pretty mentally scattered

& I am not trying to get credit for having done

WHATEVER 

I'm KINDA anxious today 

I was planning to go 

SEE my mom

BUT 

I think I need some 

OUT in the WORLD time

I just have to make myself get out there

sitting around the house 

is not that good for me

& I seem to be transforming the empathy engine 

into some kind of internal

SELF EMPATHY 

integration tool

& I'm not sure 

WHAT to make of THAT 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I am feeling anxious & jumpy

I don't want to listen to 

CRAZY sh*t from my mom

& I FEEL 

whether I'm right or not

as though seeing her

will DAMAGE me

WEIRD 

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

I started picturing quetz"/

in one of those

high roofed

JAPANESE traditional houses

quetz"/

was rooted in the tea pit fire area

BILLOWING up 

to fill 

the room

panels pulled back on two garden walls 

& it was this extraordinary thing

LIKE 

being 

inside and outside at the same time 

I thought about that all day

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

spirit of christmas

I passed out

I was writing you something 

I don't think I got very far

then

this is my

SECOND waking up -- let me explain 

at EIGHT o'clock 

I heard a KNOCKING on my front DOOR 

I was dead asleep 

BUT 

I guess 

the highly activated nervous system is intact 

SO

I'm out of bed

& I'm hobbling quickly 

yelling

COMING 

as I go

I GET to the door, I OPEN the door

it's KINDA misty 

disappointingly warmish -- which is to say, regular for Christmas here -- believably magic-y

BUT 

nobody there

I look around 

the amount of time

since the LAST 

KNOCK

is not enough time

to get far enough away from the door 

to not be visible 

I would have heard 

a CAR

SO

I'm not imagining magical scenarios 

I FEEL like 

I KNOW what happened 

yesterday 

I gave my neighbors a bottle of wine 

anna 

occasionally brings me

a paper plate with

some kind of 

PASTRY 

sometimes it is "extra" of something she baked

sometimes it is "extra" of some

eastern european version 

of little Debbie's

& I take these off-hand offerings

& enjoy them

& THINK 

I'm not sure HOW to reciprocate this

the last time my battery was 

SUPER DEAD

drago 

took me to the mechanic supply store 

brought me and the battery back

& installed the battery 

it was confused and stressful 

& not the more or less seamless experience 

that I would have had if I called triple A

BUT 

it made me FEEL something 

& then I tried to bake cookies 

& they weren't great

SO

I got him some from the store 

brown butter chocolate chip cookies 

(which I know are good)

BUT 

that didn't FEEL right 

and last week, I THINK, for sure some time in this last stretch of psychological drama

I NEEDED CHOCOLATE 

(medicinally)

& a box of weird mochi-like bitter chocolate balls

with some kind of honey based filling

that SEEMED like I wouldn't like it

but turned out to be

AMAZING 

a whole box

that's not 

"extra"

that's definitely EXTRA

& I'm LIKE 

F.I.O.

& I got them a bottle of 1000 STORIES burbon barrel aged zinfandel 

I walked over to where they were sitting 

in the car port next to mine

HEY

I can't really bake pastry

but I THINK I can pick a TASTY wine

it felt like 

maybe too much or not enough or trying too hard

BUT 

my delivery was definitely 

CASUAL 

& USUALLY 

there are european pastries 

that I want at christmas

BUT 

this year I didn't THINK about it

BUT 

when there was a KNOCK that disappeared 

I KNEW it was the neighbors 

& NOW

I pfeffernusse and stolen 

in a manageable 

quality 

I can enjoy with some coffee

❄️❄️❄️

improperly stored wine

I decided to open some wine

I have some bottles of 

Buena Vista Carneros Pinot Noir 2007

which was a good year

& I liked the wine

pretty well

BUT 

I don't have a cellar, pristine climate control, or

WHATNOT 

SO

I didn't know what to expect 

BUT 

it's not bad at all

I haven't let it

BREATHE 

properly

&

there is a little sour note

SO

probably it isn't that great, really 

BUT 

it's WORKING for me 

right NOW 

we don't usually spend holidays together

she DID leave a message 

as it turns out 

what is the POINT of having messages 

if you NEVER 

LOOK at them

I've CALLED 

THREE times in the past THIRTY minutes 

NOW

I'm GLAD I didn't hear that BEFORE 

IF

she is in hospital 

or skilled nursing, whatever 

she's SAFE

I'm not 

ON CALL 

anyway 

she got SICK of ME and was like

well thank you for coming 

which was

GREAT 

I wasn't any fun at all

she SAID at lunch

there was an old guy sitting across from her

he kept nodding off 

every once and a while 

somebody would

come by

tell him

you need to EAT mr whosit

she's like 

& they just left me there

TRAUMATIZED 

WAIT 

WHY were you traumatized 

they just LEFT him there

DEAD

WAIT 

since WHEN is he dead

he didn't 

MOVE

WHY

would they tell him to EAT 

if he's DEAD

chasing damson flies

BUT 

then when I ask her what she had for lunch

chicken + noodles + carrots 

SO

& this is consistent for her

ACROSS TIME 

she doesn't remember the story she TOLD 

SO

she doesn't fill in that she only got

dry leftover turkey 

because 

she doesn't remember that for a lie to be

BELIEVABLE 

at ALL 

you have to continue to tell it

they cancelled all the activities 

BUT 

she had BOTH

P/T & exercise class 

& she went down stairs and did a puzzle 

SO

MAYBE 

some of that is TRUE 

OR

maybe none of it is true 

she called me 

because 

she THOUGHT I couldn't find her

you thought I was in the building 

WHAT did you

THINK I was doing

chasing damson flies

she isn't tied to reality

I was planning to go see her

BUT 

then she called me

the first time

she was

demand-y

on the message 

I didn't pick up

I listened to voicemail 

&

I then really didn't want to go 

THEN

she called BACK 

sounded weepy on the message 

I really HOPE you come see me

THEN 

she called BACK

& either didn't leave a message 

or my voicemail was FULL 

by then

it was awkward 

& she told a variety of stories 

she didn't get coffee

because they hate her

they started making the holiday food EARLY 

& she had had the same turkey

for every meal

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP I'm holding you tight through the transmutation

I love that color combination 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I feel like 

I'm not quite telling you 

the STORY 

BUT 

I WANT to tell you

something 

that is

awesome 

& I hope I'm able to 

put it together 

in the way

I'm imagining 

I should be asleep 

I'm planning to go see her briefly tomorrow 

I don't WANT to 

BUT 

some part of me feels like I 

SHOULD 

I haven't maybe told you 

all the things you might want to know 

BUT 

Imma get there

I don't know if this works or not

OK

SO there's a RADIO 

I'm thinking it MIGHT be real radio

or it might be in a DREAM 

& MAYBE at least

SOME of the

TIME

the radio is an antique radio 

that's broken, not CONNECTED 

to any SOURCE 

of electricity 

BUT 

it crackles with static sometimes 

sometimes it starts telling stories 

late at night 

that wind their way into

DREAMS

there's a place

it's another version of the number five munchee 

it's not exactly a coffee shop 

it's not exactly an oracle

it's some kind of 

PLACE

maybe it's internal

maybe it's a quantum hub

BUT 

it's

a

PLACE

where

quetz"/

is mixing up some sort of 

what you 

NEED

quetz"/

can take different forms

BUT 

the main one 

is twisting 

vibrating 

shining uncomfortably white

can't quite SEE it 

though you're looking right at it

FEATHER-Y

but somehow 

unsubstantial 

& at first I thought the main character was a detective, but THEN I THOUGHT maybe 

we don't know what the main character is 

there's a need for integration 

& this quetz"/   might be part of the integration 

& it's moving like one of those sock wind puppets

dispensing wisdom 

like some cosmic bartender shaman

MAYBE about

whatever 

TODAY 

REQUIRES 

I want to FIND 

some way to make this

WORK

as a sort of surreal simulacrum of

internal processes

to represent 

internal

integration

this is a change from what quetz"/     was before 

some sort of hybrid webverse daemon & mythic abstraction 

NOW 

it's MORE 

guardian God

indwelling 

DIETY

UNchained CORE ENERGY 

so it's not the empathy engine 

BUT 

maybe I talk to it about the empathy engine 

OR

maybe I tell it my problems

with empathy in the world

I thought about making it more concrete

& I thought about making

the radio tell a STORY 

& then the detective 

goes to the park

& runs into a

girl with a 

LOCKET

that represents the sense of optimism and belief

that 

was once felt about the world & this country

by

she had had it thrust upon her

by

what SEEMED like an 

ANGEL 

at the hospital 

she took her hand

SAID 

there is a god who loves us

& it's all gonna be okay 

& then she and the detective 

HUNT for the person who 

IS that optimist

BUT 

I wanted it to be

as it turned out

less concrete

BUT 

MORE personal evolution-y

I KINDA want you 

THERE

MAYBE I'm telling you the story of what happened 

or maybe I can get you in there somehow 

you are always with me

in some quantum-y

entangled way

I MIGHT have this more clearly defined and workable that before 

OR

I might be kidding myself 

I spent a long time 

THINKING 

about 

it

thoughts

in fairness 

yesterday was not

OBJECTIVELY 

harder

BUT 

subjectively

exhausting and not really interesting enough to talk about 

which I guess is a strange configuration 

I love you

I think I'm writing something 

but now I've got tusk is that from then or a new element

it's possible 

something is going on 

BUT 

it's also possible 

that I heard 

some

piece of it in a commercial 

& since it was a 

SONG

I loved 

my SUBconscious 

REconstructed it

DRIFT AWAY 

I mean

who's that by

driving 

I had 

drift away 

stuck in my HEAD 

I think

that was one of the SONGS 

I used to LOVE 

when I first went to LIVE with my mom 

OR probably not 

PROBABLY 

it was BEFORE 

she was dating some guy

or friends with some

GUY

& I was with her for the SUMMER 

& I'm at his house

watching 

the GONG show

my memory 

doesn't make SENSE 

anyway 

I associate 

the gong show

which

I liked

& whatever that memory was 

with drift away

& LIKE 

maybe two more songs 

I'm not sure what 

that means 

I think it means something, but I don't know what 

quetz'/

ya KNOW 

I was just thinking about 

the number five munchee

& the oracular tender

& THAT made me think about quetz'/

& my experience of seeing 

actually seeing 

him/her/it

FLUTTERING 

above me at work 

but I remember the feathers being colorless

& THAT 

made me wonder 

about his white feathered octopus 

it's our personal gods/guardians

MAYBE 

I had KINDA dropped that thread

hard day

I'm sorry 

I just realized 

I haven't written anything today 

I accomplished 

things

BUT 

I'm still 

DECOMPRESSING 

thoughts

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm not SURE if I DID the FUN thing yesterday 

I ordered tim Hortons

the egg & cheese biscuit was

really good 

BUT 

donuts are really too sweet

SO

I ate too many

& I think sugar doesn't really agree with me

the Boston cream 

which were on special offer

we're SUPER tasty though

SO

I guess that was my fun

I spent like four hours with my mom

TODAY 

& THAT wasn't fun

BUT 

I DID get her to call her brokerage to make SURE I am listed as beneficiary 

NOT 

because I'm all that concerned that there will be anything 

BUT 

I don't want to have to do probate 

& THEN 

when she finished THAT 

I was LIKE 

gotta go, see ya

which might be bad optics

BUT 

whatever 

I'm not trying 

I'm TOO 

depleted from having to deal with her

to worry about whether she's at all happy with ME

don't care

not enough of an *ssh*le to abandon her 

BUT 

not putting on a show

NOT 

pretending anything anymore 

I had golden slumbers in my HEAD this morning

OK

I was so anxious 

I was afraid I was gonna sh*t myself 

BUT 

I talked to the social worker 

& I know the REHAB hospital she's going to next

& that they don't have a date yet

her physical therapist just came and got her 

& said she was gonna walk her around the hallway 

SO

seems like things are going okay 

at the meeting 

the feeling I had was that

she might be dumped on the street

on three days notice 

& I had to get my sh*t together 

I'm STILL anxious 

& you know how they have those things

where they say

You have three words to say to your younger self 

I stand by the two I always think

RUN AWAY 

although, honestly, is that really better 

run away lifestyle is hard

need extra sleep

I'm going to try to get some clarification from the social worker tomorrow 

& I'm exhausted 

SO 

Imma try to sleep now 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

merry christmas from your therapist

I WISH 

I had BET somebody 

my therapist 

would cancel 

I guess it was Monday he contacted me

I'm coming back this

WEEKEND 

I can see you 2/16

I'm LIKE 

THIS weekend is at the END of the WEEK 

2/16 is tomorrow 

he's like, OH I got distracted 2/23

& I almost said UMMM 

do you REALLY 

THINK 

THAT

is in ANY WAY realistic 

to EVEN pencil in 

BUT 

there was no REASON to be a b*tch

BUT 

as I predicted 

he's NOT 

LEAVING his sister 

who just had 

some kind of health crisis 

RIGHT 

BEFORE 

Xmas 

NO one in the CONSORTIUM 

was willing to take my bet

& if I'd WALKED down 

to his office 

& EXPLAINED the last few months to that security guard -- who I think is named Michael

I'm confident he would not have taken it either 

& NOW

I'm having thoughts like

I don't want to spend 

the first thirty minutes of my session 

having him catch me up

& THEN 

I don't know if it is even worth it 

to try & catch him up

I feel like I've come to far

& not even SURE 

I can remember who I was then

SOMETHING 

about the wording of his text

put me off a little 

it was like hey

hope you're hanging in there 

(then the stuff I knew about the sister)

merry christmas 

I'll be back in town 1/3

& I'll text you

a day you can come in

there's nothing specifically BAD about it

BUT 

it's bugging me 

thoughts

ALTHOUGH 

I'm finding I'm curious about 

"the strategy"

SO

MAYBE 

I'm corrupted

I AM

KINDA idealistic goody goody

BUT 

I'm ALSO 

sarcastic and jaded

I'm WEIRD I guess 

stuff

I just saw a video of that Australian sixteen personalities girl with types on speed dates and I've never been on a speed date

BUT 

I think she's not wrong on this one

& she put INFJ first

which was nice

one car down on the driving

one to go

good morning sweetheart

I don't guess I said goodnight 

I thought I did 

BUT 

I guess I just passed out 

TODAY 

I'm taking it easier than I planned to originally

I'm gonna drive the cars

&

I'm gonna try to do something 

FUN

BUT 

I'm not going through papers

or hauling stuff to goodwill 

or the dumpster 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

my head hurts

& I'm in need of a massage 

which I probably won't get 

& I'm KINDA weepy

with plugged ears

& runny nose

BUT 

I'm about to make something to eat 

so maybe I'll feel better then

lucky signs

I looked it up

& a more conventional reading of

the EMPRESS and DEATH 

is TRANSFORMATION 

like BIG life transformation 

& it's a ten year

& snake year

the shedding of the snake skin

& NEXT YEAR is a one year

& HORSE

I am a horse so theoretically it should be

a good year

& it's my Jupiter return 

I THINK 

because jupiter will be in Leo

& that's my birth configuration jupiter in Leo

I'm pretty sure 

the year I met you was a jupiter return 

I'm feeling off

TODAY 

I mostly rested

I took a long bath

I slept till ten thirty

I did a tarot reading just a little bit ago 

& I got the EMPRESS 

& DEATH

again 

WHAT 

does that MEAN 

I thought it was about 

how I don't connect 

connect-y enough 

BUT 

I got the 

FOOL 

TOO 

I KNOW I haven't been 

my normal self 

if I have a normal 

which I'm not even sure about 

BUT 

I don't know what 

I'm doing wrong with the advice

EMPRESS/DEATH 

as the answer

passed out

I fell asleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

stream of consciousness, I guess

I started watching that video again 

& I realized 

some stuff in the early part

might sound 

BAD

I was eating soup

& BASKING 

in not freaking out ness

& it SEEMED profound at the time 

I can't remember WHY

NO

that's not quite true

there were a bunch of little things 

that KINDA hit

BUT 

there was this part like halfway through ish

HOW 

I was gonna say things

that were

MEANINGFUL to people 

& that is specifically 

something I'm 

TRYING 

to do

I'm watching it again 

& it's already 

sort of been mentioned 

I FEEL like 

things are changing 

I'm not sure what is gonna happen 

AND

I'm KINDA 

TRUSTING that

I want to FOCUS on 

that the universe is in the process of 

taking me where I'm going 

& spending time 

WORRYING 

playing out bad scenarios in my HEAD 

will MAKE them TRUE 

BUT 

then this evening I say that australian woman

who does the sixteen personalities 

who doesn't like INFJs

she had ONE on nightmares 

INFJ nightmare --

INCOMING -- JUMP SCARE

but then there isn't one

& I LAUGHED 

I thought that tracked

BUT 

then she had, DREAMING 

&

I didn't laugh 

it made me

question 

myself 

she had a woman 

OH FIREFLY 

I have followed you to the magic grove

& here is Excalibur 

that can ONLY 

be taken from the rock by someone who is worthy

I AM WORTHY

& then Arthur pops UP and says -- THIS is MINE 

& she says

NO IT'S 

NOT 

I MEAN 

if the magical firefly led me there

I'm afraid 

I'm not 

taking some RANDO's word for it

BUT 

it still made me feel

the "you are nothing special" 

that deborah told me

what SEEMED like regularly 

though it was probably 

FEWER times than

it felt like

dis-identify with the archetype 

it's a fair criticism 

I guess

BUT 

I'm unable to laugh at it

because it ignores what I consider to be

a strength

the ability to still be able to believe in myself

when so many 

don't believe 

in themselves at all

& I do have battles sometimes 

BUT 

I MEAN 

MAGIC FIREFLY 

DUH

weird dreams

I mean the dreams last night

we're bizarre

my brother was in one

BUT 

I don't really remember 

there was something about his thumb

& a hat I think I tore stuff off of

IDK

I was moving around 

it seemed like

a campus

MAYBE 

maybe a very hippie campus

OR post apocalyptic 

there was a Volkswagen beetle 

that was being used as a 

TOILET 

& you push a button

and the waste just goes out the bottom 

I went to a class

it was in a trailer 

the front living room part was the classroom 

& the prof lived in the back

I was having trouble 

CONCENTRATING

so I went out

onto the plywood ramp out the door

to gather myself 

then I went back in

& apologized

said I had a hard time focusing right now 

& I would TRY 

& I would leave if I couldn't help being distracting 

I had heard the shower 

while I was outside 

& I asked 

someone 

sitting next to me

she sh*t her diaper 

& was cleaning up 

they said

I'm really tired and I'm going to bed early I'll try to articulate more tomorrow -- I feel like a rollercoaster ride

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

🫶

it was a research-y day

when I was cleaning out her house 

I found paperwork 

that I was like

I MAYBE 

NEED

THAT

& I put it in a accordion file

I've been looking up

LEGAL STUFF 

about power of attorney 

& guardianship

& it was seeming like it was gonna be 

a REAL HEADACHE 

SO

then I'm LIKE 

well, I think the will is in there

let me look

in 2016

when she had the will drawn up 

she ALSO had

a power of attorney 

& a guardianship

drawn up

she just never gave them to me

& it has her lawyer's info too

there's still stuff to do 

BUT 

my stress just got

BETTER 

okay I'm really going to bed now goodnight sweetheart

I was thinking about 

WHEEL you to CANADA

today

& that great story 

about mis-heard SONGS 

whittle you to kindling

it made me

HAPPY 

snow in hot places

ANXIOUS 

& terrified 

are

MAKING an APPEARANCE 

still not asleep 

gotta stop 

thinking

thinking 

TOO much 

gotta HOLD

the JOY 

the day it sn❄️we'd los angeles

and then he said that thing

I FORGOT the

FIRST part

he had christmas music

which normally 

I KINDA 

like

but this year I'm right off it

& they were PLAYING let it snow on the RADIO 

& I SAID let it snow ❄️ 

let it snow ❄️

I've been taking Ubers

to see my mom

& I've been thinking 

it was because I didn't want to deal with parking 

& walking further on my knees

BUT 

I think 

it's actually for the

RANDOM HUMAN interaction 

the guy who brought me home today 

his daughter 

is SIX

she wants to see

SNOW 

for christmas 

she doesn't understand 

WHY

it doesn't snow here

LIKE 

in the christmas MOVIES 

SNOW 

is 

pretty 

MAGICAL 

you could take her somewhere it snows

yeah, I was thinking of Colorado

is it snowing now in colorado 

I'm not sure 

I think SO 

I was in keystone once for a conference 

in APRIL 

there was STILL snow on the ground 

I think colorado sounds 

WONDERFUL 

& there ALL IN to

OUTDOORS 

so there's 

LOTS 

of STUFF to DO 

outdoors 

it's a LOT the RESPONSIBILITY 

it's the first 

TRULY 

PERMANENT 

commitment 

I MEAN 

I guess they'll be 

ADULTS 

but

yeah

I'm exhausted

well

I had the meeting 

BUT 

it wasn't exactly what I thought it was gonna be 

I've got a LOT of RESEARCH to do 

she just wants to b*tch and complain 

she doesn't really want to 

ENGAGE with REALITY 

her physical therapist 

says

she CAN stand

she just seems to be 
AFRAID 

she refuses to do anything except what she is made to do

& she is in charge 

SO

if she tells them 

NO 

they can't make her

she's verbally abusive 

I was having a conversation with her

you know how if you're rude to a waiter

they might spit in your food

WELL 

these are PEOPLE with FEELINGS 

you NEED to treat the with RESPECT and 

NOT be calling them

"dumb b*tches"

when you're screaming that at me

you don't think they can ALL HEAR THAT 

can you just ACT LIKE a NICE person 

if they do something that hurts

can you not just SAY

that HURTS 

PLEASE 

do x,y,z instead of what you're doing 

I ate & I was gonna go gather trash at her apartment 

BUT 

I think my head hurts too bad

I think I'm just going to go to sleep 

get up in the morning 

to do research 

I'm not going to go see her tomorrow 

I may watch a show to decompress 

I'm not freaking out anymore 

BUT 

I AM a little overwhelmed 

NOW

anytime I'm talking about anything to do with 

REALITY, basically 

she says I'm being 

MEAN to her

I'm KINDA over it

she says they are

BEATING her

& MUTILATING her

show me a bruise I say

look at my butt, she says

she has been complaining LOUDLY about 

constipation 

they're giving her laxatives

& monday they gave her an enema 

which she said had no effect 

on monday night

then today she says

she had a five hour ordeal enema yesterday 

she didn't have another enema

& I'm SURE they didn't spend five hours 

giving her an enema on monday 

she bruises very easy

she has no bruises

since she lies constantly 

I don't believe her

this whole thing is likely to get

WEIRDER

before it gets better 

I talked to the doctor who comes once a week 

she's gonna give her a mild anti-depressant

there's an exercise session 

EVERY DAY

BUT 

she's been refusing to go to that

the same way she's 

REFUSING 

everything else

I told the activity director 

that i'd REALLY 

REALLY 

like her to do that EVERY day 

BUT 

they can't MAKE her

MAN

I really wish

she would do things in her own best interest

good morning sweetheart, I hope you have a beautiful day

I dreamed 

we were in our early to mid twenties 

& at some kind of

RETREAT 

or something 

& we slept in the same bed

& it was very 

INTIMATE

& cool & stuff 

we didn't have s*x, I don't think 

BUT 

we bonded

& it's all kinda fuzzy

BUT 

I feel better 

this morning 

exhausted, going to bed

I'm going to talk to the social worker tomorrow 

assuming the meeting is still happening 

I did find her Charles Schwab statement 

& she doesn't seem to be lying about 

having money

I will talk to her

& probably 

her lawyer

if I can find him

I don't really think I can live with 

turning her over to the state

or whatever 

BUT 

I don't want to be 

TRAPPED 

into anything 

& I don't trust her at all

SO

IDK

what is going to happen 

BUT 

I'm trying to keep an open mind

I'm not signing anything 

until I feel like I have a handle on it

BUT 

I don't want to be the worst person ever 

EITHER 

I didn't go see her

& I didn't try to call back

& if she & marian worked out

something on their own to cut me out

THAT

is A OK with me 

BUT 

I don't think power of attorney 

gives me the power to make her go into a nursing home if she doesn't want to 

I think it gives me power 

to act FOR her

BUT 

NOT 

OVER her

& I'm not sure that helps

because she WANTS 

OFTEN 

contradictory sh*t 

or crazy sh*t

& I don't want to hear it anymore 

ANYWAY 

I'm exhausted and I'm going to bed

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

I hope to be more fun

hopefully soon

goodnight 

❤️

weird dream

I forgot to tell you about my dream 

I had my old car

brick red

buick century

& I had it full

of bolt action rifles 

the wooden handles matched the car

they were visible through the window 

& the lot was full of national guard, or something 

somebody I was conspiring with

had, I think, explosives

in their car

& they

we're

freaking out 

BUT 

it was fine

nobody noticed anything 

I'm not sure what we were going to do 

we didn't do it in the dream

utxhfxlgdvitdhr75#+&$(&"63@+

I was going to the SNF to see my mom

BUT 

then her friend marian 

called & was wanting to know my mom's 

attorney because my mom wants to get a power of attorney drawn up

& I don't think I want to do that

it says I have to pay her taxes

& manage all her affairs 

& probably not get

PAID for it if I'm family

I don't want that

I realize

I could then put her away

which is I'm SURE 

why this hasn't happened before 

BUT 

I don't feel like 

this is good for me

she can't remember her lawyer's name

I'm freaking out 

FREAKING OUT

MAYBE 

I will go see her tonight 

MAYBE 

I'm done for today 

I sort of think 

I'm going to her apartment to try to find

STATEMENTS

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 

SEND positive vibes my way

FREAKING OUT