I am recommending that crave Sonoma bbq as tasty in the extreme 

🌧️☕🥐

👾🫚

💚

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I GOTTA go to sleep

BUT

I think I KNOW what's going on

BRICK HOUSE the other day

when I was worried that I MIGHT be

vulnerable qua EXTRA clumsy

that music TODAY 

the UNIVERSE is like picking my

FIGHT intro

I vibed the POSITIVE

I ENGAGED

I had a GOOD time

I got to tell SONNY who

I'm pretty sure has cancer BUT

we don't actually KNOW

I got to TELL her

I had SEEN her work out in the WORLD

& I was happy to see it

& it was BEAUTIFUL

AND

she LOOKS good

& I haven't wanted to keep asking her

HOW she's doing because I KNOW

that's a drag BUT I've been low key WORRIED

about her & I CARE

AND

I'm so so glad she didn't get COVID

& if ALL I had done TODAY

was to make her FEEL better*

that woulda been a GOOD day

BUT I also got to tell Melinda

I love her work

I talked to EVERYONE**

I MET a really nice woman with an Instagram I'm now following

I MET a really nice woman who I ALREADY

knew of because like THREE people

had told me they KNEW

about the open studio

because MELISSA told them

in her NEWSLETTER

she lived in LOS ANGELES

she wrote about the ARTS

reviews or events

IDK

but her mom is OLD so she moved back home

she has this thing she does

SEEMS very LA to me

but it's probably just good NETWORKING

she takes PICTURES

TEXTS them to you

but I got HER number now too

ALTON was walking through

just at that MOMENT

& slid into the conversation

no after party

almost everyone snuck out EARLY

and I was driving anyway

Justin makes a GOOD mimosa

AND

HHC is an introvert's best friend

the weird thing is

at the end of the day

making my last spin through 

I got some song I'm not sure of the name

stuck in my head

I like the musical hook

I gotta look it up

hang on

f*CK does THAT mean

it's METALLICA enter sandman

well it felt HAPPY 

it was JUST that little SAMPLE in my head

*that did seem to be the case

**this is probably not technically true but it is true essentially basically pretty much 

goodnight SWEETHEART 

I love you very much

👾🫚

AND

I need to go to SLEEP

BUT I forgot SOMETHING

I have pretty much decided that

the UNIVERSE is guiding me on* 

BUT

the message was

I got a PAPER CUT from my

pu ehr tea PACKED in BAMBOO wrapping 

I drink this tea like all day

HAVE been for OVER a YEAR

suddenly TODAY I get a paper cut

NEVER before

I wasn't SURE what this meant

my FIRST thought was

oh TODAY I'm super clumsy

maybe I shouldn't DRIVE

BUT

the WALK was NOT perilous

so I DID drive

THEN at the STUDIO

I put that aluminum panel piece

into the FRAME

afixed D rings**

put HOOKS in the wall**

AND

the PIECE is hanging STRAIGHT

on the FIRST try

*I started to say CONTENT but I thought you might plotz

**two of them

I had a STRANGE day

EVERYTHING related to YOU

has been BEAUTIFUL

I saw a billboard

on the way home that upset me

I KNOW they MUST mean you 

RENT the GUN

in the RANGE to USE in the RANGE

NOT

pay forty bucks

TAKE AWAY a f*CKing GUN

BUT

that WAS NOT how I read it FIRST

& I am SO over this whole MACHINE GUN fetish

I was in TRAFFIC so I was stopped

enough to take the PICTURE

ALSO

I think I owe you an APOLOGY

I think I MAY have SEEMED to be saying

something I didn't mean to be saying

🙏🎯💎

might need translation

OR

it might NOT

🎯💎 Is what I regularly use in text communication to mean my version of like

PERFECT but I actually think of it as

HIGH VALUE TARGET ACHIEVED

so what it meant here was like

I hope it WORKS

BUT now I see it could have POSSIBLY

meant other things

which might have caused you STRESS

BUT

on that OTHER thing

YOU make a VALID point

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

OK

well fingers crossed

that I don't have a problem

i already did something wrong

BUT

I think I'm back on track

🙏🎯💎

THAT

was FUN

I HAD to double back

& get a second HIT of the oracle

it was NOT the Steve Miller band

idk who it WAS

BUT

KATZ oracle

I got a bruise on my CHIN

& a skinned KNEE

the HAT seems undamaged

(but I have a backup of the hat anyway)

EXCITING things

feel like they are CLOSE

have a BEAUTIFUL day sweetheart

👾🫚

I gotta go to SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much

👾🫚

I've got to TELL you though

it's a MOM story

I'm in like FULL on I WANT to call it HERMS

BUT that JUST came to me

I haven't searched YET

I was going to GET that woman to SAY something ANYTHING that came from her HEART

I experienced a sort of SLITHER

AWAY from anything I ASKED

BUT

there were moments when I FELT like

SOME sort of REVIVALIST

I EXPERIENCED it as pulling out 

a LITTLE bit

twilighting

MAYBE now there's ROOM

for some LIGHT

I'm NOT sure this is in ANY way

an ACCURATE description

BUT

that's HOW it felt

AND

I feel kinda WEIRD

bringing up PUPPYFISH*

BUT

I'm NOT trying to be all like

SCRUNCHIE face

in ANY sort of way about it

I'm just trying to

FIGURE it out

*WOW, that's like an unintentional double entendre & maybe some sort of Freudian slip

BUT

I keep thinking

about some SEMI epistolary SOMETHING

it ALWAYS seems

kinda dumb

BUT

then very RECENTLY

I saw* him grown up

&

got the name VERY strongly

I do FEEL like it means SOMETHING 

*I really more like conceptualized him-- usually these vision-y things are not very clear**

**in fact it's pretty useless for actually foretelling in any pre-planning kinda way but it does help you know it when you see it

ALSO

you KNOW I'm buying THAT stuff

I'm not SURE what message

the UNIVERSE 

is sending me

with the puppyfish

he's so....

I MISS him sometimes

that's WEIRD, huh

it's even weirder

that I was THINKING about him

I can't remember WHEN

exactly

BUT

it was in relation to WRITING

something

ARI EL rey

I don't KNOW what it means

BUT

he feels ALIVE

whatever that MEANS

OK

I'm ok

I think the hat kept me from

HITTING quite so hard

my knee is abrated pretty bad

but the pants are undamaged

universal standard

on the short list

SCARED me

I fell

I hit my head

I'm pretty sure I'm fine

BUT

I'm being careful

I had a concussion once

I don't think I have one now

might have a headache that

slows down writing 

the TOP one (I like better) frame 

For some reason

my blog switched on my dashboard

to the picture of the

puppyfish

&

it didn't make me sad

of course I think it's a sign

BUT

of what

I guess I'll know

when I write it tonight

but

I have to come back tomorrow

to finish hanging

and etc

SO

gotta figure it out fast

I LOVE you VERY much

👾🫚

ALSO

I'm NOT trying

to be all

MIND PUZZLE assh*le

I'm NOT saying there's like

a TARGET answer

I was just like IN it

ALL day at work

&

I REALLY wondered 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

AND

I WONDERED

WHAT you would THINK I meant

ONE 

PIECE

at a TIME 

if you would THINK

WHAT

I don't KNOW

I HAVE to tell YOU although

MAYBE it will offend

it is a TREASURED memory

ONE day 

she was standing THERE in the cash wrap

her HAIR radiating GOLDEN 

vibing earth goddess somehow

& I said

you smell REALLY GOOD

she DOES NOT

miss a BEAT

I'm MENSTRUATING*

ALSO 

she brought me FOOD on thanksgiving

she brought it to WORK

she ONLY brought food for ME

like she was making a POINT of it

she had a BOYFRIEND 

she wasn't HITTING on me exactly

it was SWEET

AND

one night I gave her a RIDE home

& she wanted me to come up to her ROOM

wanted me to hear ROCKY RACCOON

leaning across the BED

& I thought

there's a PRETTY good chance

she WANTS me to kiss her

she was like seventeen

I was like TWENTY five

her MOTHER

nearby

I can't say I EVEN considered it

but the IDEA of her

was STRONGER than the ACTUALITY

& I wanted her PURE 

in some way

(to be continued)

*like duh of course I am the incense of ♀️

SO

I see HER answering something

outside the ORDINARY fourteen year old

yet SWEET 

innocent INTENSE

he sees she's NOT ordinary

the ATTRACTION to innocence

it made me think of that OKLAHOMA sunflower

she was smart too

BUT

it was her ESSENCE somehow

AND

I can remember BEING a young woman

or GIRL really

who was RARELY spoken to in a way

that CALLED FORTH anything

& at that AGE

with all that BUILT UP

I can ONLY imagine

I THINK she HAD loved him

for like her practically ENTIRE life

& she WANTED him

I KNOW what she means 

about the EYES*

I THINK she KNEW

he WASN'T going to see HER anymore

because SHE would be CHANGED

SHE was LOOKING for it

& she SAW it

(to be continued)

*though of course not specifically exactly 

how is HEATHCLIFF

is something I MIGHT say

and it's SO good

it sets her up PERFECTLY

ON the OTHER hand if you're all like READING

wuthering heights

THAT one question ANSWERS

how far have you GOTTEN in the STORY

in a BETTER way

I could IMAGINE

REALLY some of what he MUST have felt

WAIT I'm getting AHEAD of myself

I LOVE that it was wuthering heights

I AM HEATHCLIFF

BUT that's what I LOVED about it

I couldn't stand

PRIDE & PREJUDICE

I couldn't make myself read BOVARY

BUT ALSO

as a question

it has the FORMAT of 

the kind of question you asked BACK in the DAY

to find out if someone was gay

YOU couldn't just like ASK

I MEAN I guess technically you COULD

BUT you didn't you sort of DROP*

& see if it gets PICKED up

(to be continued)

*I really want to say hankies

OK

MAYBE I'll just start AT the BEGINNING

that's REALLY kicking it old school

I had this SUDDEN FLASH

that album cover I DESCRIBED a while BACK*

I SAW it

BUT it was the COVER of a book**

BUT

I didn't get anything else

so not SURE what

THEN

I really WANTED to LOOK up

Salinger

& there was this VIDEO it was AMAZING!!!

this WOMAN is 

well, she ISN'T really

PHOEBE -- that was her name, right?

I FEEL confident enough NOT to look it up

BUT I take this seriously 

thank God YES

I would be MAD at myself

& THAT

isn't really WHAT I mean

I MEAN she was TALKING

& I could see it

I could be BOTH of them

I had that experience SORT OF

in a final exam in CHICANO history to 1910

one of the ESSAY choices was

SOMETHING LIKE

describe the morning of a CHICANO woman

in some circumstance***

& it was like I was THERE

I almost didn't FINISH the f*CKing exam

I couldn't STOP

AND

it was not the last question

WELL this was different

but not MUCH

all these OTHER things HAPPENED

but I REALLY only want to listen to****

talk about THAT

(to be continued)

*I think I told you about it 

**I couldn't see it very clearly though I know it was broken pieces of mirror on the pavement spelling out the words but I don't remember what was reflected in the mirrors

***I honestly can't remember 

****Freudian slip?

I'm having a HARD time

making THIS a coherent THING 

I LOVE you VERY much

sweetheart

sweet dreams

👾🫚

I have lived here

for YEARS

& I just talked to the TREES

TODAY

told them how important they are

in my DAY to day

did you UNDERSTAND

the Salinger thing?

it's pretty

indirect

BUT

provides me with something

that GIVES me

a LOT of HAPPINESS

I HOPE you understood 

I LOVE you VERY much

👾🫚

WAITING/Salinger

would be the 🔥

SO

I'm picking that one

I didn't even want SEX

I wanted COFFEE

I'm not saying

I didn't enjoy any of it

HOPE

& belief

are NOT the same 

OK

something you would have

no particular WAY to know ABOUT me

if anyone PROMISES me anything

it pretty much

MEANS nothing

in my EXPERIENCE people SAY whatever

& maybe they mean it 

when they SAY it

OR

maybe they don't

but it doesn't translate to MEANING

BUT

when someone SAYS

I NEVER promised you blah blah

whether that's TRUE or not

the MEANING I associate to THAT is

BAD ACTOR

MOST people it's pretty easy to tell

what you can EXPECT

BUT

you NOT so much

you never quite give me enough

POINTS to make a line, ya know

which is COMPLETELY understandable

BUT

a little SKETCHY too

if you know what I mean

AND

I don't know how AWARE you are of your PATTERNS

BUT you radiate I NEED YOU

pretty LOUDLY when it's been a while

and you insinuate things

which I KNOW aren't promises

and which UNIFORMLY do not come to pass

THEN

when I complain that I didn't get

what I NEEDED out of the experience

the vibe I get is BAD ACTOR

I never really base my understanding of

my relationship with anyone

on what they SAY

SO

I TRY to leave

you clearly want me not to

that's what I KNOW 

BUT

I KEEP coming back to

HE BROKE MY BRAIN he doesn't CARE about me

enough not to just WILLY NILLY

BREAK MY BRAIN

he FULL ON triggered a DOOR SLAM

& then he wants to CRITIQUE the outcome

which DID NOT include

the DOOR SLAM he SO SO clearly ASKED for

THIS has been a big problem for me

WHAT the f*CK did he THINK he was doing

I don't actually believe that you WERE

trying to free me

& it's CLEAR that you didn't get

whatever the expected outcome

AND

I tried to use everything that I know about you

but I kept getting STUCK

SO

my best GUESS is that you thought

if I just HAD the MOMENT

& lived through it

that it would like RESET or something

BUT

that isn't how I operate

I'm NOT a free flowing in the MOMENT person

YOU think I am because I SEEM like that

from the OUTSIDE

all those little "in the moment" things

are like meditation one with the UNIVERSE

& I am looking for messages ALWAYS

I think for you

the POSSIBILITY of the moment

anything could happen

is part of the EXPERIENCE

BUT

I haven't really ever experienced any of our time

since well at least the last time

you looked at me

LIKE you were happy to see me*

in this way

SO

it's been like he needs me

I love him

I have to go

and he will do the thing he does

and I will cry

oh what fun

AND

I say I'm not going to do this again EVER

and then you radiate I NEED YOU

& I can't make you suffer

ALTHOUGH

I don't actually believe you ARE suffering

I have TRIED to explain

if I experienced our time together

the way you do

I'm sure it would be different

BUT

I CAN'T not try to make it MEAN something

and I'm not lying or making up all that

MISSION from God shit

I think you think I AM

BUT I'm not

SO

always constantly

HOW is this the mission

NOT

oh look at the pretty boy make nice words

oooo fun fun he like me a little mmm mmmm

SO

whether it was helpful or not

I took the mission of being your muse

your guardian angel

WHATEVER else worked it's way in there

I did all that with the driving FORCE

that NO ONE ever asks for

AND mostly no one WANTS

BUT

YOU DID

but I didn't actually have much FUN

I don't want to be RESPONSIBLE for you

any more

I KNOW you didn't ASK for that

BUT you didn't refuse it either

if that makes any SENSE

I KNOW that probably a lot

of what you think and feel about me

is an ABSTRACTION

it's LIKE a creative ritual

and that dovetails nicely with my

SHAMANISTIC thing

AND

the reason I specifically said things

like I know you need to NOT

tell me things

so that I can maintain belief

was because I KNEW

it was NOT true

but

I didn't WANT to KNOW

HOW not true it was

I KNEW what I KNEW and I didn't

WANT to know anymore that that

BECAUSE

I KNEW what I KNEW

for whatever reason

YOU NEEDED ME

& THAT was ENOUGH

my mother said it was all you USING me

way BACK

when I was trying to be friends with her before

AND

I gotta SAY

that saved your BACON

MORE than once

because my MOM doesn't know

SHIT about human interaction

if she says it

it has BY DEFINITION

GOT to be WRONG

PLUS the tarot reader in SANTA CRUZ

the second reading

inextricably LISTEN to the ANGELS

& I'm all like

the f*CK ANGELS?!

BUT

then there was that reading

with the ANGELS TAROT

NOTHING can dissuade him from 

LOVING you

&

I KNOW how long men's attention span

about some rando woman is

&

I KNOW you aren't as young and 🔥 as you were

BUT I'm SURE you still have women

INTERESTED ENOUGH

& I was NEVER trying to be 🔥

it CAN only ever have been ME

not my LOOKS or whatever

PLUS

I'm NOT easy

I'm HELLA difficult

I just don't think there's ANY way

you don't KINDA love me

BUT

then I get BAD ACTOR vibe

& I don't trust you

AND I don't really WANT

oooo oooo pretty boy make nice words

he like me a little mmm mmmm

ya know

I WANT some sort of MEANING

I'm flexible about WHAT it is

AND

I'm trying to get to the place

where I say

I have need for MAGIC

this makes magic for me

& I can take that magic and use it

to CREATE something else

BUT

I don't want to be USED for my magic

which I have a shit-ton of

& people have used it ALL MY LIFE

BUT

I was telling the therapist about

some of my super powers

&

WHEN I said it

it became clearer

I have this way of holding all possibilities

AT ONCE as real

it's kinda a QUANTUM thing

& I can hold em SPINNING for a long time

BUT then

I don't always pick the REALITY

that's best for me

& tony robbins

showed me

that I COULD

& THEN I had

SINGING in the RAIN in my head

& I THINK I might be able to

ANCHOR to it

SO

DON'T give me bad actor vibes

& I won't be responsible for you

RESET

(I think)

*2009

it's therapy day

I ALREADY have some revelations

BUT

I still have to go to therapy

MORE later

I don't really feel like talking tonight

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

👾🫚

I guess

I just really wanted to know

if you were really

my friend 

I LOVE you

I have to THINK

there has got to be a way

to explain

what I FEEL

WHAT I'm TRYING desperately to explain

I'm NOT trying to be DIFFICULT

BUT

I just wrote a big thing

and I don't think it

was SIMPLE or even particularly

COHERENT

SO

let me try after I eat something

I had like three hours of sleep

I have a headache

I'm not at my most eloquent

in the meantime

please try to remember

anything I've done

that you liked in the past

because I'm not saying

there won't be any thrill factor

I just don't want THAT to be my

DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC ya know

& I'm NOT promising it

SO

what I'm HEARING is

you don't WANT to listen to me anymore

so GO AWAY?

YOU don't WANT to be

the ONLY OTHER person I CARE about talking to

UNLESS there's the THRILL factor?

OR you're saying

do what I NEED to do

& you'll be here for me?

I can think of NO context

in which it makes ANY

SENSE

that I have UPTOWN GIRL stuck in my HEAD 

SO ANYWAY

gotta go to sleep

WORK tomorrow

HOPE 

that didn't just SOUND crazy

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

AND

I'm thinking I've said all this BEFORE

but SOMEHOW it seems NEW

AND THEN it occurred to me

SIMPLE explanations

for DIFFICULT things

it's different

it's THE DIFFERENCE

now, of course I can see HOW

I could have it ALL wrong

BUT I still don't KNOW what

LIGHTER trick

SO

have we got THREE now

& when I met YOU

I LITERALLY had a COSMIC LIGHT SHOW

that's not POETRY

so I was CERTAIN you were connected

to my THING I was supposed to do

I VOLUNTEERED I just got WEAK instructions

BUT

I instructions DID seem very CLEARLY

YOU will KNOW it WHEN you SEE it

AND

that I met ANOTHER ONE

what the FUCK does that even mean

another WHAT

BUT DUDE

I was in LOVE with your MIND

I was attracted to you

WHAT was I seriously supposed to DO

AND

I don't feel like that was the WRONG thing

I still don't know

BUT

I mean I can see

HOW I've kinda

LEVELED UP

or gone insane*

*for real for real

WELL

I wasn't sure what to TALK about

but I am in the flow I guess

SO the universe sent me

DAD

I've told you dad stories

BUT

not for a while

I don't remember what I told you ALREADY

he had this thing he did

REALLY upset me

he would say

when I DIE I want you to put me

in a HEFTY BAG

take me out in a FIELD

& BLOW ME UP

I would TRY to explain

IF I try to do THAT there will be

NO way to PROVE

that I DIDN'T KILL you

that did NOT dissuade HIM

I would TRY to explain

this conversation is UPSETTING me

that did NOT dissuade HIM

this was NOT a ONE TIME thing

it went on FOR YEARS

UNTIL I figured out

what to SAY 

to HIM

JASON

by the way

NEVER got him to stop

although perhaps it didn't bother HIM*

the NEXT time**

he made with the BLOW ME UP

I LOOKED at him

& I said

WHEN you DIE

I am going to HAVE YOU BRONZED

and PROP you in the corner

NEVER mentioned again

the BLOW UP thing

was related to this message

he was always trying to give me MESSAGES

but they were often GARBLED

(possible WORD SALADS)

OR

disrupted by the STARING OFF into space

BUT

he could get the whole BLOW UP message

without losing the thread

it was ABOUT

IMPERMANENCE not becoming ATTACHED

to THINGS

or PEOPLE

& I mean I GOT it

THAT'S how I knew what to SAY to

STOP him, ya know

I THINK he was schizotypal

or SOMETHING like

he had had a BRAIN injury

his SISTERS said he had a personality change

AFTER

the COMA

when I FINALLY figured out

was in that SAME period of time

EIGHT-ish

I DON'T know

what it was ABOUT me THEN

*although he sort of implemented my plan without knowing it

**to be honest I'm not sure I thought it up ahead of time and this makes it sound that way

SOGGY TIMES

my triumphant Eddy Bauer

these PRETTY BIG logos

are like 3/4"

MAYBE

this is a can't miss thing

ONLINE PRICES

are frequently different

GRANDPA

I have a jacket I bought on eBay

I REALLY like it

I think it's a second it zips the other way

from every other jacket I have

the THINGS is

I like that SO MUCH better

I wouldn't think it would make a difference

NEVER wore a CUP

on third base

YOGI 

I HATE the dh

WILBON is lazy

& should be tested for SANITY

POOH --> GODFATHER

ARI MELBER

TAYLOR SWIFT

is the BEST thing that EVER

happened to football

--WILBON

hall of the VERY GOOD

BASKETBALL

30 & 13

why is this hydration the new HOTNESS

the MONKEY

has a part in the ICE MAN COMETH?

(there's some part of that that I don't get)

NUTS are a trigger food for me

DETROIT

at 1.7 the MAILBAG theme sounds like a HARPSICHORD

PRE-GIAMATTI level merlot sales

CHAUCER

perhaps to say I miss TK

is NOT quite accurate

I don't miss HIM so much as

I miss being a part of the conversation

YOU know what I'm talking about

I haven't been

since ya know

because I was HURT

& it takes up time

& he rubs me the WRONG way

& that's not really the universe I

want to inhabit

BUT

it's really the only way

to watch the whole thing for

something I WANT to watch develop

I assume the FEELING is real

&

I think something IMPORTANT happens

on that show if you know what I mean

ALSO

I was gonna listen to aTK

the NEW one is FINALLY up on audible

I kinda MISS him

I got caught up in the NEW season

of REACHER

which is probably something

you wouldn't EXPECT

BUT

I listened to a couple of the BOOKS

and I saw the MOVIE

DIDN'T like the movie

THIS actor, though IS right

and the FIRST season was

NOT bad

or GOOD with QUALIFIERS

NOT something I would like RECOMMEND

THIS season MIGHT be more watchable

BUT

I'm not REALLY recommending

I JUST really want to say

WHAT I am drawn to ABOUT

REACHER

he WAS some kind of 

military SPECIAL investigator

THEN he quits THAT

and just FLOATS

he goes WHEREVER

WHENEVER

& wherever he goes

it's LIKE a modern day WESTERN

he wanders into town

goes to a THRIFT store

BUYS a new suit of clothes

TROUBLE

finds HIM

& he rights the WRONGS

SOMETIMES 

in a special forces MEETS

VIGILANTE justice way

but still

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

the "yuppie" vet CALLED yesterday

to check in on KITTY

she is doing her thing

WHEELS come OFF the BUS

bedside manner

BUT

then OMG she took the TIME

blah blah blah

it meant a lot

BUT

I still haven't recovered from Wednesday

talking to her DID let me CLARIFY

I thought they gave him the FIRST B12 shot

they had NOT

SO

I did THAT today

I was a LITTLE freaked out about it

BUT

I asked

is there ANYTHING

I could ACCIDENTALLY do

I mean I've watched them GIVE shots

NO

pull up the skin on the scruff of the neck

push the needle IN at forty-five degrees

if it's NOT

coming through the other side

your GOOD to go

I have a WEIRD thing about AIR

in needles

SO I didn't need any prepping for THAT 

I already KNOW my THRESHOLD

is less than ANY professional

because I WATCH them

I had a HARD time

FEELING

whether the tiny needle WAS

REALLY the f*CK in

I did NOT enjoy THAT

BUT

this cat was a ASSHOLE

and NOW

he's my little FLOOFY DANGER

SO

WHATEVER ya know

this WAS the right size 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I FEEL like I've told you

this story BEFORE

&

I DO hate to feel like

I yammering on the SAME story

AGAIN & again

I can't help myself

my father made me a chalkboard

NOT a LITTLE one either

he got some chalkboard PAINT

I'm pretty sure

PRETTY sure

it was GREEN (hah)

like maybe it was THREE feet

by four feet

IDK it was something he BUILT

(it was maybe a little janky

but we built Jason's crib-- I helped

and it was round so you could roll it

instead of having to carry it)*

it has legs

it had a CHALK ledge

I had an IMAGINARY class room

I loved THAT thing

I wish I could REMEMBER what I was teaching

I was in THIRD grade

THAT was when I got the kinda WEAK instructions

I KNEW the CLASS was IMAGINARY

BUT

I was pretty sure I was TALKING to God

on the REGULAR

it was MOSTLY me talking

I ALSO

had this VERY strong like CRAVING

for a TWIN with this weird like

SENSE

that, even though that was IMPOSSIBLE

there WAS one somewhere

YOU are all tied into THAT

I have written you into my MEMORY

I look BACK

& I have filled YOU in there

you were like 16

AND

THEN 

I see myself ACROSS the street

DEBORAH has one friend from her CHILDHOOD

that she kept up with

for a while she lived in a TOWNHOUSE

we when over there to help

PAINT

or something

but I wasn't actually doing THAT

they had a copy of

the GIVING TREE and I read it

& I CRIED

and I have cried pretty much EVERY time

I've thought about the GIVING TREE

since then

I'm NOT crying now, though

SO

MAYBE it's that I think ABOUT it

at TIMES when it will TEND to make me

the friend's husband was a disc jockey

the mighty Quinn--

which CONNECTS to that DYLAN tribute

that is MAYBE my favorite ROAD album**

AND

RECENTLY I watched this YouTube

with this therapist who specializes in

NARCISSISTS talking about

how the giving tree was a HORRIBLE book

should NOT be allowed

because it GLORIFIED a narcissistic relationship

and some nasty shit about shel

BUT

I thought you are MISSING

SO MUCH

I mean I can SEE her point

I'm PRETTY sure

even at eight

the boy AND the tree

the BOY and the tree

the boy and the TREE

AND

the kind of ALLEGORICAL human exploitation

of NATURE

SO

I mean YEAH but

REALLY

AND THIS is the story now

it's WEIRD that it went this way

BUT the thing I am REALLY VIBING on

is this SENSE that I have

that I SAY something

AND

then it turns out to MEAN THINGS

that are ALSO true

BUT

MAYBE I didn't realize that when I SAID it

AND

the TASTE of mountain dew

& I need to look into the JUNG CENTER 

*my point is he was a pretty fair woodworker(ish)

not like carpentry or fine finishing just like nice competent cut and assembly 

**although this is SO tangential & yet there somehow anyway

I can remember

being three or four

and

WATCHING adults eyes

this is how much TIME I have

before they stop listening

I REALLY don't think I was a NORMAL child 

the whatever

SIMPLE explanations for DIFFICULT things

has had some traction

it SEEMS to fit my skill set

AND

different people*

have TAKEN AWAY different messages

AND

I feel like THAT is LIKE a sign

HOWEVER that is 

SO SO SO very preliminary

that it DOESN'T give any help with implementation

BUT

I think that HAS GOT to be

like a CORE concept

AND

though I FEEL like this is not bad forward movement

it just doesn't eliminate MUCH 

*Not a statistically relevant sample set

the children

it's just a REALLY long lead time

the therapist

is REALLY bullish on the LIFE COACH thing

AND

truthfully that MIGHT be the

right DIRECTION for like a first step MAYBE

BUT

I'm not yet CONVINCED

when I think back through my LIFE

I'm not entirely certain that

COMEDIANS haven't been

some of the MOST influential

ALSO

I think SOMETIMES those messages

get THROUGH in a way that others don't

HOWEVER

in a world as self selecting as the current one

I'm not sure that anyone who doesn't

ALREADY think they agree with you

EVER even listens

SO

this has to be something I enjoy

that I have some aptitude

because the ONLY way I succeed

is that it is what I WANT to do

it can't be a "job"

it HAS to be a CALLING

(to be continued)

I FEEL like

I'm getting CLOSE

(although I am unable to further qualify)

to a *

I think I am either WRITING or

SPEAKING

as the primary DELIVERY 

I NEED to NAIL down the MESSAGE**

VISUAL art obviously has SOME roll

BUT

it might be BRAIN exercise

OR

it MIGHT be important

ALL these interactions with PEOPLE

I felt like it was an IMPORTANT step

BUT

there's a way

I feel like

meh

SO

there's a way in which it was a like

PLACEHOLDER

it's training for human interaction

NOT necessarily like

the END GOAL

I think we ALL knew that

BUT

I also THINK

this is a thing I'm INVENTING

I THINK I have to make things BETTER

and I'm NOT sure

I think I have to give a message

and I don't think I can do that with painting

OR

unless I was doing children's books

THAT is still on the TABLE

BUT

(to be continued)

*ALSO unable to further qualify 

**ALTHOUGH that's really more complicated than how that sounds because 1) message like MISSION 2) implementation of MISSION 3) steps, $, blah blah

I slept through my alarm

I tried to resume hhc vaping last night

and my lungs

do not support that decision

I didn't have anything exciting from work

BUT

I will say

EVERYONE I talk to has just had 

or everyone they know

has just had covid

I think it's pretty inevitable

PLEASE manage your health

I think the vaccine is brilliant

AND

I'm super grateful for the ones I've had

BUT

I didn't get the anti virals

I DID do enough of a web search to find out

I could get them at Walgreens clinic

but I needed to show some 

liver and kidney function test

which I didn't have

AND

I could have done an online Dr visit

which might have alleviated that requirement

BUT

at that point I didn't feel

SICK enough that it seemed WORTH the trouble

BEN, however is 94 and not healthy generally

He got sick after I did

he DID get the (plovacid?) 

and he's honestly doing ALMOST

as well as me now

(covid-wise anyway)

SO

consider it

perhaps in a way I did not

AND

about that other thing

I'm not asking

I'm telling

which since you know how

YOU feel

shouldn't be problematical

OR ANYWAY

I didn't THINK it was

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

Baseball Supernaturals

*

The Corrected Ledger

Modified Baseball

Baseball's Uplift/ing Heroes

everything after

LOOKED FUN

silencio

(hope that's a word)

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I had coffee at the vet

I said f*CK it when I got home

AND

ORDERED SUSHI

So

I'm not sure how well I'm gonna sleep

but I need to sleep

because I have to go to work tomorrow

I really don't want to

but they need help

and I wanted to help them

it's just not as much fun as I hoped

but I feel much better

I'm still coughing

but not MUCH

AND

it really wants to be productive

Yesterday I walked to therapy

in the light rain

and then walked over to tamashi

I had that Malaysian thing again

then I walked to the coffee

(on the way, doesn't count as eXtra)

then home

I need to get more exercise

I need to fast again

but I'm not pushing it

BUT

ya know

it's weird

I LIKE my body

I don't mean I look at it and think

THIS PERFECTION

I see things I think are transitional

they ARE better

AND they WILL be better

I see a lot of

NOT actually all that BAD

like general shape GOOD

fat PERCENT too high

the things that seem like they might

NOT resolve without intervention

seem MANAGEABLE ya know

the BELLY seems less disproportionately ick

I have gained a few pounds

and I've had too much sodium so I'm

retaining fluid weight

but my clothes fit fine

I don't look all puffy

I look ya know

within acceptable parameters

vaguely like someone else

but not COMPLETELY unlike myself

CUTE kinda

I put this look together

and I'm like, what would I call THIS

and I had no idea

I had this short neutral paisley dress

with a vertical ribbed 

spacedyed collared 

sweater (?) shirt OVER

seersucker baseball cap

charcoal heather leggings

hipster raincoat

AND

my gran gran and my Aunt Joan

the women who taught me

what a young lady should

ya know

would have SAID

THAT is an ILLEGAL amount of PATTERN

I'm like

it IS TOO MUCH

BUT the CODE I'm going for

is FUNCTIONAL

wait 

wait wait

wait wait wait

FUNCTIONAL PERSONAL 

so the things aren't supposed to be

matchy matchy

and if they clash a little

that kinda underscores the vibe

(sorry, the vibe is FAVORITE PIECES)

((extra sorry oh look I just have stuff I love to wear and I wear whatever piece I need to fulfill that function))

that didn't quite convince me 

if you were in a museum and you saw a painting

with THESE patterns

do you think it would disturb you

make you think

WHY

NO

then it is NOT too much

BUT

THAT HIPSTER RAINCOAT

my therapist is all like

ARE you SAFE to WALK in THAT

WELL DON'T STICK YOUR ARM UP

I'm gonna have to have it ALTERED

I'm not sure what that SAYS about ME

YOU LOOK

GREAT!!!

He's on his heater blanket

AND

he has his ball with him 

well

CAT has the triad

apparently cat's internal organs

are more interactive than dogs or human's

and they get this inflammatory cascade

which can make everything shut down

I got "yuppie" vet today

AND

she's all like

blah blah blah

THEN the WHEELS come OFF the BUS

which is a nicely VIVID metaphor

SO

either he will get BETTER

(that's all ME)

or he'll get meh

or

it'll go all to hell

depending on whether the steroids set off

one of the several issues that they CAN

BUT

my old doctor told me

you have to take into account

how they are acting

AND

I think he's having a reaction to the food protein

he's PRONE to inflammation

I think he'll

be better than she predicts

I wish I had Phyllis Diller vet

I get to learn cat shot giving

gotta be easier than giving fluids

which is to do with needles

but then holding them still while the saline goes in

this is just B-12 in the scruff of the neck

I feel like I'm gonna vomit

just from the adrenaline come down

AKK

OK

I'm at the vet

I'm not sure if that would have gone off ok or not

at 2 they seemed to think the radiologist

would be here at 5

so

I started getting him ready

which involves trickery

and he's SMART

so different trickery EVERY time

got here 4:20ish

doc walked in 4:24

so timing was GOOD

not sure how long it's going to be

or if I will get to talk to doctor

 292

metabolism?

up to my neck in tech

I've seen that better late than never

COMP CAKE

TRASHY FAVORITE beach 

beach 🏐 I enjoy to watch

I was not good at it in elementary school

out in the wild

PGA son

ep113

Ed from cowboy bebop

sushi

salad

dried golden berries

I'm not sure I have talent no one knows about

ha. good answer. 

idk I'm not sure 

peanut butter on pancakes

COKE but mostly ceremonially

watched more BB but

again not all that relevant

PLUTO jokes

on the back of toilet

OK look

today was therapy day

I'm fine

or

as fine as I ever am, right

I have paper moon stuck in my head

AND

I feel like that's a sign

BUT

I LOVE the fuck out of that movie

SO

there's NO WAY that's a BAD sign

cat getting ultrasound

traveling med guy

at my vet on wed

they might know when he leaves

the place before

they might have a ballpark

at some point

first check in is 8am

gotta go to sleep

on call for cat ultrasound

8am

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I love the part

on baseball radio

when they say

blah blah percent of the time

in blah blah scenario

I ❤️ that shit

I gotta say

I AM feeling kinda crazy

I've always been afraid that

I might actually BE crazy

HOWEVER

I have TALKED to therapists

AND I have always said

(to myself I guess)

if you're the one who thinks you're crazy

you're probably NOT

ALSO

I understand that this might

come off like I'm trying to say I'm all smart

or something

BUT

I don't think I'm even saying that technically

BUT

even if that were

I'm telling you I don't think that either

but maybe faster or something

I don't know

but that is how the world seems

SOMETIMES I don't know anything

I think my brain still goes really fast

then it's looking for something to connect to

I'm broken in some ways

AND

I may or may not be crazy

that's why you know more about me

than anyone else

you're the only one

I've ever really wanted to tell

blah blah blah

Understand?

I also apparently leave out steps

so I'm difficult to follow

I really try not to

BUT

I'm never really sure

anybody understands anything I ever say

I always thought you understood me

but 

then

anyway

I'm not sure how you might be understanding this

I'm in a weird mood 

SO

I was all like

I've been sick and I feel like

I went through some kind of

mental journey

I don't have anything I really want to

talk about

and I'm kinda interested in adding random elements

SO

how about you ask me questions

Oh, ok, I like random elements

I have a question

when I ask you a question

you look off to the side

and you say

welllllllllllll

and then you launch into

a cogent sometimes eloquent speech

what are you doing during the welllllllll part

you seem like there's a process at work

are you managing how you are perceived

welllllllllllll

I mean I'm sure there is an element of that

somewhere in there

BUT

that makes it sound like I care how I'm perceived

and I really don't

MOSTLY I am just recalling 

AND then trying to figure out what

the person I'm talking to

REALLY wants to know

SO

it's a lot of assessment of the person I'm talking to I guess

he seemed to think the distinction between

what they want to know

and what they REALLY want to know

was VERY interesting

WELL

people don't usually ask

what they really want to know

and it's just more efficient

I don't like to talk about myself

WHY

because people don't listen and they don't understand

people don't contribute much to me

and I don't like to feel like a dancing monkey

going through the motions to entertain them

he didn't seem to quite get it

OK

let me try an example

and see if that helps

when I was at Starbucks I would be having my

review, say

and they'd say

you should speak up more in meetings

BUT

when I was actually in the meeting

They'd say

OK we are going to do (whatever)

And I'd be like OKAY

what are we going to do when blah blah happens

and they'd look at me like I was CRAZY 

TWENTY minutes later

Somebody else would ask it

THEY were a GENIUS

the person next to me would say

didn't you ask that 20 minutes ago 

and I understand now that I was

asking an implementation question

in the comprehension segment

but I didn't see that then

I just started running the program

finding the catches

where it would break down

SO you're just way ahead of everybody

yeah, I guess

IS THAT LONELY

YES

I have no idea

what I'm going to talk about

in therapy today

I feel like

I covered a lot of ground

without him

and didn't miss him at all

BUT

my theory about people doing therapy

not because it really does anything AS SUCH

but because it fulfills

intimacy needs

or rather

it DOESN'T actually

it just kind of fits in the receptors

I realize what went into my psychological break

AND

the INTENSE spinning

no compass

the NEED didn't go away

just the OUTLET

I can't talk about any of THAT

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

playoffs all day

DYNASTY

golf

great up and down

Michael take it away

LIV

a SIXTY

SO MUCH GOLF

CC 

nautica story planned forward

I use coconut water

mutton flavor

I give Nigel a 🥐

WILBON disappointed?!

WHAT are you doing buffalo

OF ONE

LIONS & TIGERS & BEARS

NEVER

WILBON vaguely dissing W

if you're not watching this with a jaundiced 👁️

TK sets sail to hell

WOLF MOON

ep 273

johnny Walker blue

ANIMAL HOUSE

the women's college in that is modelled after

Bennington

where I probably should have gone

wanted to go

well

it's raining all week here

I think

I was about to leave to go to work

and Lucy called to tell me

don't rush

I had asked to come at 10

instead of 9

because it's a long day

and I'm still not 100%

it's not like don't rush

is a very specific directive

but whatever you know

I'm having another cup of tea

I had another weird day yesterday

I fell down a kesey rabbit hole

I listened to the next MICRO

and he's all like

you get grumpy when you grow

and I'm like

I don't understand what you're talking about dude

BUT

THAT made me grumpy

and I was still trying to work out

DREAM messages

I watched some plays

that I didn't even really enjoy

just to break the thinking cycle

THEN

I saw that one thing

and it made my whole day

SO much emotion

ENERGY

have a beautiful day sweetheart

I love you VERY much

👾🫚

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

INCANDESCENT!!!

OK

the dreams were all

tied up with you

I somehow wrote you into

my younger college days

and then

I also wrote in a friend girl

not sure how that relates to you

but it does somehow

ALSO

I was having them look me up

and they could not find me

because I had two degrees

and somehow

that messed up the search

no no I'm saying

philosophy 91 (fall semester)

psychology 94 (spring semester)

and then something about

a will and paperwork

THEN

a bunch of videos of surveillance

images of me in that 23 yr old period

then some more with the friend

THEN

the dream ended

or the last thing I remember

I was standing with you in front of the college

side by side

arm around shoulder or waist

an old school station wagon drives up

and you're like

THIS guy is a SPECIAL customer

he buys something every week

and the guy has brought like

Merry pranksters or something

a la kesey

and he had written something he wanted

us all to sing

and then I woke up

with dancing in the dark 

in my head

I'm not sure how to parce that all out yet

it's been a WEIRD day

I dreamed there was a BIG dumpster

right outside my door

AND

I was moving a BUNCH of furniture

out of a fireplace

I slept late

the cat slept ON me

I was brain foggy

& I listened to the next few

MICROs and

I hit an odd point

he's taking about looking in your head

CLEARING out your head

BUT

my meditative body doesn't have shit in it

and if I'm listening

MEDITATIVELY

thoughts don't come up

if I'm listening

I'm listening

I'm continuing

BUT

I'm not certain that we aren't wired

diffently

AND

I think THAT kind of reaction

is maybe not useful

in an interesting way

I walked today

not much

I DOUBLED up the pants

I wore some QUINCE leggings

with the ATHLETA windbreaker-y cargos

sweater, sweatshirt, hoody

walked back and forth

in the sunny parking lot

FORGOT

I also dreamed

I was looking through

(in the dream reality)

my grandmother's stuff

I could pick some stuff to take away

I picked this thin flask-like vase thing

and I was looking at

some kind

of electrical equipment

AND

I was like

I don't GET this

WHAT does it DO

and a couple came up and said

oh these younger millennials blah blah

I'm all like

I'm an OLDER X

and they're like

well then you should KNOW

I FEEL like

my brain is restructuring

BUT

I'm not sure what it's doing exactly

it's a little UNSETTLING

I love you sweetheart

sleep well

👾🫚

I KNOW you had

or ARE HAVING fun

I don't have anything

EXCITING

to ADD

I just have to say

I REALLY wish I coulda seen 

what I KNOW was awesome

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚