the CAT 

his numbers are not better

NOW he clearly feels better

so I'm reminding myself that

WORRY helps NOTHING

BUT

I'm GOOD at worrying so

I'm having MIXED results

I had very active dreams

AND

I FEEL unwell

I am coughing UP shit

left and right

which is GOOD I guess

BUT super inconvenient for WORK

which I have to go to in a few minutes

I feel weak and dizzy and brain foggy

and I just want to go back to bed

SO I'm gonna spend the next 30 minutes

trying to get my shit together

set INTENTIONS for magic happy FUNLAND

TODAY is an opportunity

for the universe to SHOW me something

and it's when I stop being open to it

that things get really bad

BUT

I have no idea what the dreams meant

NEWSPAPER

DECORATING

PINK PUBLIC BATHROOM

(with elevated stalls)

discussion about how

in private school I felt super alienated

and in public school I felt super bored

WTAF

be SAFE out there sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

also listening to becoming supernatural

I got that mindvalley app

it's like a micro learning thing

I started the energy/duality thing

I'm a couple hours in

so far

it's what I would characterize as

way below my level

BUT

don't mistake that assessment

I am finding useful info

I haven't spent ANY time focusing on

GROUNDING

I do some

because of my tree and nature stuff

but I'm mostly focused UP

and OUT

and IN

NOT down

if I feel like I need

PROTECTION

I weave an energy cocoon around me

I know HOW to ground

I just never really focused on it AT ALL

ALSO

I NEVER thought

to install a knob to adjust my

ANALYZING

super duper sweet

Because he's absolutely right

all that NOISE makes it hard to hear

AND

that founder guy

is the authorized 

SILVA MIND CONTROL METHOD practitioner

Silva goes all the way back to cholla

in my history

although I never actually learned it

most people probably don't

start meditating

at like 8

so I expect my milage to vary

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I've ordered what I consider to be

kinda expensive clothes

I saw an ad on insta

I've been looking for a TUQUE for a while now

I mostly wear the pink seersucker baseball hat

I really should pull back out the other one

but I really love this one

(it's Isaac Mizrahi-- so is the blue hoody

with contrast trim and floral hood)

I have now three bucket hats

two of them I don't really wear

but I just got a black one with little embroidery FRUITS

(off Poshmark) which I'm pretty sure will be a winner

BUT

I want a TUQUE

and I guess I'm super picky

but I saw this ad on insta and I was like

THAT is my fucking HAT

Long wharf Montauk in CREAM

AND

THEN I saw this sweater

and I'm like, you DO NOT NEED more sweaters

just because it's ❄️❄️❄️🥶 NOW

does NOT mean you need SWEATERS

AND

they didn't have a women's version 

but I NEEDED the edgartown quarter zip

in NAVY

even though the marine is more my color

I really like that kinda gray blue color on me

I like the CONTRAST

so anyway

I ordered that in LARGE men's

which might be too big on top

AND

too small in the hips

OR

it might be perfect

I guess I'll find out

well the CAT was very well behaved

which he typically is NOT

I didn't get to see the vet

(probably she wasn't in yet)

it was 8:15am

and

we were just getting blood work done

I LIKE her though

I didn't originally

there are like three women in the practice

one is maybe my age-ish

and she is BLUNT

when she even vaguely disagrees with me

she gives me an EARFUL

the second one I met

she's nice, she's competent, she's vaguely

whatever yuppie is now

this third one

who I almost always get now

she's young-ish, maybe 35 ballpark

she's from California I think

she's late

she's scattered

moves somewhat erratically

she wears red lipstick

that seems THICK like it's calling EXTRA attention  to how unnatural it is

AND

she is a fucking STORYTELLER

she LOOKS like across between

I'm not SURE who

but I want to throw Phyllis Diller in there somewhere

SHE'S the one who described him as

a UNIT

and she's very focused on

the personality of the animals

and the animal - human DYNAMIC

in the stories

I really missed not seeing her

I have to go to SLEEP

I'm late taking the CAT back

for his follow up

he has a pancreatitis flare up

he seems FINE now

but

numbers still need checking

PLUS

now he doesn't want to eat WET food

which means his crystal shit could ACT UP

I wish mundane life was FUNNER

THAT is a BAD attitude

for the god of CROSSROADS

and TRANSITIONS

I AM thinking about learning tennis though

although 

I'm not sure I can afford to

there's supposed to be a place

like three-ish miles from here

that has indoor CLIMATE CONTROL

TENNIS

I think I need a SPORT

RUNNING seems fun

but

I had problems with my knees

running when I was in elementary school

SO

I can't see that working out

it's just an IDEA really

BUT

I keep coming back to it

ALSO

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

we had almost no customers

so I could work on the order

the whole day

and Vikki had been working on

checking things in

so

all in all

it COULDA been worse

I sat down for MOST of it

by 4:30-5

I was toast

I had a coughing jag

in the Uber home

I'm like

I'm SO sorry

I was sick

I quarantined

I tested and I'm negative

and I was wearing a mask too

OY

the low today is supposed to be

like 45

but it's 35 now

I told them I'd come in at noon

and TRY to stay till 6

but if I'm driving myself

I need to leave like basically now

I don't want to drive on icy streets

I don't really want to pay

for two Ubers

to work 5-6 hours

AND

Lucy texted me a picture of

HALF of the order they want me to put away

the smaller half, apparently

and it is taller than her

BUT

ya know, just do what I CAN

they don't WANT me to relapse

I'm having a hard time

with my attitude today 

I FEEL less crazy today

BUT

I'm probably NOT

I feel like the HERMES archetype

is sorta perfect

I kinda lost some mojo 

when I found out I wasn't REALLY native

BUT

western CIV doesn't even have any

cultural appropriation ISSUES

I'm not sure about the trickster aspect

but otherwise

I gotta go back to WORK tomorrow

it's BACK to school

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I have to go to SLEEP

I'm not sure that I'm less CRAZY

BUT

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

SO

I didn't the DIGITAL tarot thing

which, not gonna lie, I do a LOT

BUT

ask a BETTER question

hey UNIVERSE

I'm about to enter this new TWENTY YEAR CYCLE

got any advice for me

page of WANDS

which I never get, but in this deck specifically

it says

a modern day HERMES

& I'm all like WAIT what did Hermes do again

AND

then of course what I found FIRST was

HERMES

& LOL 

my art might make good scarves

(I did think of that)

BUT

ALSO

I read the wiki/god

& I think that's pretty SOLID advice

I wanted so bad to take a picture, but I didn't want to jinx it

I tested

AND I am no longer CONTAGIOUS

it's like TWENTY FOUR DEGREES outside

I didn't GO OUT walking today

slept late

ROBITUSSIN & elecampagne tincture

protein

my CAT has inextricably

learned to FETCH

it's FREAKING me OUT 

a little

I had a TALK with him*

he's very smart & toys tend not to

be good for long when compared to HUNTING

which is what he wants to do

BUT

he genocided the LIZARDS 

and he has gotten more fearful of CARS 

I TOLD him

I want to play WITH him

(and maybe if there was any way he could

THINK of)

SO

now he brings the little foam ball

& drops it at my feet

& I throw it

& he RUNS

CATCH

and I will be damned if that CAT

doesn't BRING the damn BALL 

BACK 

& drop it at my feet

*he plays in secret and stops if I see him

OK

I'm going to TRY

what I FEEL like is again

to EXPLAIN why I FEEL like

I'm SOMEHOW

NOT

doing what YOU want me to do

and WHY

I WANT something FROM you

BUT somehow WE are

NOT ON THE SAME PAGE

OK

BEFORE I met you

I LOVED your MIND

I LOVED your INTENSITY

THEN I met you

and I had that COSMIC LIGHT SHOW

and you became TIED INTO my MISSION

I got THOSE TWO THINGS

INTERTWINED

BUT

you ARE NOT attracted to me

you are living a HAPPY and IMPORTANT LIFE

with people who LOVE and depend on YOU

I DO NOT have a sex drive at all anymore

I can't have children

and I can't put up with a bunch of BS

SO

if I was supposed to be your wife

I FEEL like that's OFF the table

PLUS

if you were PRETENDING not to KNOW me

AS A PATTERN INTERUPT

the ONLY reason for THAT

is to STOP my chasing after SOMETHING REAL

BUT

THEN I FEEL like I am supposed to be

still TANTALIZED with the FANTASY of FUCKING

AND

my TRUST is DEGRADED to the point

where if you were OFFERING yourself to me

and I HAD any desire

I WOULD NOT BE INTERESTED

I might be able to just

FEEL the LOVE

in ANOTHER context

BUT

NO while I am undergoing

internal RESTRUCTING

what I REALLY want

RIGHT NOW

is to UNDERSTAND

HOW any of this relates to my MISSION

and/or

what kind of ACTUAL relationship we CAN have

I thought maybe

it was some kind of CREATIVE partnership

BUT

idk

I FEEL like

if I knew what I wanted

WHAT I needed

I could MAYBE mold all this INTO

a reality that was EMPOWERED

BUT

I FEEL like you are specifically ALWAYS

keeping the INFORMATION

I WANT away from me

if YOU want SOMETHING

FROM me

and you AREN'T getting it

TRY SOMETHING

DIFFERENT 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

and SINCE I'm a monster

I ALSO got

18 month old GOUDA

in little CUBES

& PRETZEL CRISPS

AND

I had to make an eXtra LAP

to AVOID buying

the BOX of la vielle Ferme rose

which was SO wonderfully

ALT reality

FULL CIRCLE 

that I ALMOST could NOT not

YEAH

OK

I have been RESISTANT to comment

PROBABLY

you have NOTICED

I don't KNOW whether I'm SUPPOSED

to take that as MOCKING

AND

I'm not SURE

whether it bothers MORE

that you'd MOCK me

OR

that I COULDN'T tell

I REACT

with DIFFUSE anger

I CANNOT deny

that it IS catchy

OH

WOW wait

BODY no THAT read DIFFERENT*

*than I MEANT it

I'm wearing JEANS a size TOO

BUT

they ARE warmer

BUT

when I WALK they ride 

DOWN

there is SOMETHING about

the FEELING of this

that is like the PHYSICS changed

I have GROWN unused to

PANTS you can actually feel

then I pulled OUT these 

athleta CARGOS I thrifted on eBay

they were a little BIT tight

they're windbreaker-y

they are not without FLAW

BUT

ATHLETA is moved from TESTING to

approved SHORT listed

ANYWAY

I LIKE the CARGOS

it got me thinking about PANTS

& it's COLD

I'm trying to DECIDE

if THIS is the type of thing I wear

I USED to always wear a size TOO

I went to WHOLE FOODS

in THIS

MASKED UP

I didn't test*

*I am a monster

NO ONE is wearing masks

I feel like the vibe is

back to NORMAL

I had to drive the CAR

I have this fun CIRCLE thing I drive

and I'm outta the COCOYO

and KOMBUCHA

and HARISSA

and I had a 🔥need for hummus &*

*healthy FAKE triscuit

I am a monster

THAT all mixed together

SOMEHOW 

ALSO

be the CHANGE

I called my MOTHER

she's a GROWN woman

I don't want to ENCOURAGE helplessness

I don't want to let her get HURT

but I hadn't PLANNED it

it was an OH YEAH (too BAD I had that* gummy)

SO

it was like

did I hear you SAY

you're SAFE

you LOVE me

you're glad I'm doing BETTER

& if there is ANYTHING

UP to & including

$

just LET you KNOW

is THAT what I hear

is that what YOU MEANT

YES

THANK YOU

that really MEANS a lot to me

TEN out of TEN

DELIVERY --   4/10

blah blah blah

well I don't WANT you acting like I'VE

SAID the wrong thing 

& made YOU upset

well then DON'T say the THINGS

that I TELL you UPSET me

I WISH I had a recording

GOLD 

*totally farm bill legal 

my BREAK tonight 

is HARD

and I'm CRAVING a ridge in my forehead

I'm so alienated from this new body

they're like a size TOO big

REALITY FLIP

my FAVORITE things to do on the ROAD*

ask the UNIVERSE a question

find a station that PLAYS music

THAT song

HOW is it the answer to YOUR question 

*pretty sure there was ONE more good ONE

REALITY FLIP

I read through what I WROTE

AND it reminded me of the best COMPLIMENT

I ever got (my opinion)

that I was like AMELIE

so I thought hey

the guy who did THAT

WHAT ELSE

only ONE thing

(2022) dubbed & subbed

BIG BUG

& I said MORE THAN ONCE*

THIS is disturbing

I think it is OFFICIAL

I LIKE French film

GENIUS

(highly recommend)

too MANY visuals

*should be 45° <

LOOK

I'm giving you a directive

AS YOUR COACH

if you are still there

and you CAN

go to the JAZZ BRUNCH

INTERACT with at least THREE people

who are wearing an article of SILVER clothing

TWO people who DO or SAY something

that SPECIFICALLY attracts your ATTENTION

and ONE person

that all of THAT

POINTS you TOWARD

THEN

every morning

(when you first wake up)

THE FIRST SEMI COHERENT THOUGHT YOU HAVE

CREATE a POSITIVE ACTION for it

I know that SEEMS random

and it KINDA is

BUT

it's a SERENDIPITY generator

YOU HAVE to ALLOW

ways for the MAGIC to ENTER

YOUR PATTERN

so just as an example

you WAKE UP and you SEE a BIRD

you could say

BIRDS have the MESSAGE for me today

AND

notice where you see BIRDS

REAL birds

pictures of BIRDS

EVER DETAIL interpreted HOWEVER broadly

OR

MY NECK HURTS

rephrased WHAT can I DO TODAY

to ENHANCE the OPTIMAL CARE of my NECK

eXtra points for

SHIT on the EDGE of

WACK

there's another one of those FREEZES

the temperature HERE won't be

as COLD as the LAST one

BUT

they are being sure to say

WE EXPECT RECORD POWER USAGE

and then they are ALSO saying

WIND should be HIGH

to COMPENSATE

if the natural gas freezes up or WHATEVER

WE SHOULD BE FINE

BUT

NOBODY believes them

so RUN on the STORES etc

WEATHERPOCAYPSE

just letting you know

I haven't really

MAPPED your weather situation

I KEEP HEARING about BLIZZARD

and I'm assuming THAT

is farther NORTH

than where you will be

PLEASE be CAREFUL 

possibly none of that made any sense

I just had the REALIZATION

because I thought it was

like a HUGE step forward

and I DO think it IS and all

BUT

my point was

this, what FEELS like a NEW THING

is ACTUALLY

an EXTENSION of a skill

I ALREADY had

I don't do it much anymore

because I avoid people

but it's part of

THAT THING I DO

I've just NEVER stripped out

my values AND the story

(in this case a negative one)

and given new MOTIVATION

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

thanks for letting me TAG along

that GUY

he took a picture*

AND

I said to him a REALLY strange

but ALSO uncharacteristic thing

HANG on to THAT

it's gonna be WORTH something SOMEDAY 

*of us

I was thinking about SANTA CRUZ

and that GUY

he was like a YO-YO champ or

SOMETHING

and I got him TALKING

and he had some super ROMANTIC story

if you just TWEAKED it a little

SO

I DID

AND

THAT made me THINK about

that GIRL studying OWLS

I REALLY liked her, she was NICE

I think I made her the HERO of the night

THAT felt so good

AND THEN I REALIZED

it's THE SAME thing as

what I was so proud of myself for

with the PEACH TREE

BUT

like in REVERSE*

*MAYBE 

man, I look rough

I feel kinda rough too

is the murakami well-ness of this

apparent in this photo

I've never photographed it before

because I didn't think it would translate 

LOOK at the GLOW of this woodgrain 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

I CAN'T remember

what the TAROT reader in SANTA CRUZ said

about the color GREEN

or MAYBE

it's that I don't remember

EXACTLY what it 

meant to me THEN

her GUIDES were using it

GREEN that is

as some sort of CROSS-REFERENCE

BUT over TIME

it's just become a SHORT-HAND

I THINK she said:

SOMETHING about the COLOR

GREEN makes you FEEL

CRAZY

I UNDERSTOOD

WHAT did that mean THEN

I thought it had to do with my EYES

CHANGING color

in RESPONSE to my desire for

GREEN EYES

was there MORE 

I was THINKING about rewriting

the BALLOON story

BUT

then I thought about the PEACH TREE

AND

I REALIZED something

I couldn't UNDERSTAND

how he could CUT DOWN the tree

because for ME

THAT equates to KILLING

not just like a TREE

TREE for me equals AT LEAST

something he CARED for NURTURED

BUT

maybe he DIDN'T see it that WAY

if it was ONLY like a THING

like a RIGHT NOW one of many POSSIBLE things

SUDDENLY

I see SO many POSSIBLE reasons

his STATED reason: it was killing his GRASS

my THEORY

he WANTED the tree

NOBODY else thought it was a good idea

then it PRODUCES FRUIT

and SUDDENLY it's everybody's tree

MAYBE

it wasn't even want to be all like

I WIN 

the TREE was a 

GOOD idea

NOW you get the NO TREE 

like YOU WANTED

MAYBE

TREE and ME against the WORLD

was a DYNAMIC he 

ENJOYED

I've been thinking about*

man, now I HAVE to do that

CAPITALIZATION thing

I REALLY like it

*the SIMPLE explanations

for DIFFICULT things, and I kinda

LIKE the idea

I have had a BAD headache

most of the day

the weather is doing CRAZY stuff

in the night 

I had to turn on the A/C

it was so HOT and humid

TODAY

when I pushed myself to WALK

it was SO COLD

with TWO shirts and a jacket

oh, and a HAT

I had to go BACK in 

and get a HOODY

THEN

I couldn't MAKE myself walk 

in the SHADE

I just ended up WALKING

back and forth in the SUNNY

PARKING LOT

just BACK and forth

back and FORTH talking to myself

like a CRAZY person

OTHER PEOPLE walk around the neighborhood

and people work in the BUILDING

so people would come OUT occasionally

I frequently TALK to MYSELF

NO one ever SEEMS

THAT frightened

I dreamed that I was

SUPPOSED to be writing

a final PAPER

(end of semester unprepared variant)

writing SIMPLE descriptions

of DIFFICULT things

AND

I was having TROUBLE with it

I was ALREADY

several days LATE

I had FORGOTTEN about it

I was trying to UNDERSTAND the assignment

I was planning to write it

OVERNIGHT 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

he stepped OUT into the darkness

maybe to smoke a cigarette

maybe just to BREATHE the night air

do you REMEMBER me?

first the voice

then a vague shadow

then the FIERY unfolding of ephemeral WINGS

he swallowed

MAYBE he nodded

it was dark, WHO COULD SAY

we are different sets of CELLS and circumstances

I perhaps NEED you

in order to travel through EVERY point at once

maybe I DON'T need you

maybe you are just the CATALYST current

maybe there's ANOTHER way

I have a MISSION 

but the instructions were like SERIOUSLY weak

it was all like

WE CAN'T TELL YOU 

because anyway it wouldn't make any sense

until the TIME OF DOING 

GOOD LUCK

thanks, you TOTALLY got this

then a WHOLE BUNCH of shit happened

then, one day, I'm kind of just minding my own

BUSINESS

and BAM

I get hit with some COSMIC LIGHT SHOW

YOU HAVE MET ANOTHER ONE

I spent the next TWENTY YEARS

trying to figure THAT SHIT out

I MEAN LIKE CRAZY, right?

am I supposed to CRASH into you

or SLIME our HEADS together

I SEEM to be 

POWERING UP

I STILL don't know the FRACKING MISSION

BUT

I would REALLY LIKE

to think

that the ONLY OTHER ONE

was an ALLY

SO

CREATE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE

or WHATEVER 

I WALKED into a COFFEE SHOP

earlier THAT DAY

the guy behind the counter ASKS ME

how I am

AND I really have to PEE

came in to the coffee shop SURE I would

FIND a LOO

BUT my quick scan of the room has

produced NO EVIDENCE of said

I say FINE but in a TONE which makes a liar of me

I LOOK into his eyes and I SEE

the FOCUS of his ENTIRE BEING

assess and prepare to pivot

AND IT FRIGHTENED me

that I would have CARELESSLY ACTIVATED

NO NO, I say, I'm FINE, really

I've just been walking around for a long time

AND

I REALLY need to pee

I can help with that, he says

and leads through this like vaguely

CYBER PUNK experience

that could have been it's own adventure

IF

THE EARTH wasn't already SHAKING

DON'T misunderstand

I'm NOT saying

he was 🔥

I'm NOT saying HE thought I was 🔥

SPECIFICALLY NOT

AND

I was like SHIT

is that what I'M like?

THAT'S INTENSE!

I didn't know that was POSSIBLE

JUST FRACKING WOW

BUT SEE

I got the #GREEN sign

I got EYES sign

AND

THEN YOU

SO

for some reason

I think that the CONTENTS

of your BRAINS while this SCHRODINGER'S MOMENT

UNFOLDS

SHOULD be

KNOWABLE 

it wasn't a very long walk

I was a little shaky

and

NOW I feel like I might vomit

I'm glad I did it though 

they got Cornhole and fuzbal for the Zs I guess

outdoor stereo playing

I'll take you there

amazing wind chimes

I'm awake

happy birthday to me

I had what turned out to be

a reasonably cold shower

and that reminded me of 2007

back near the beginning of the journey

I'm gonna try to walk a little

you look beautiful

👾🫚

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 

👾🫚

OK

I feel like if I DON'T talk

then I'm being some kind of way

BUT

if I DO talk

I'm ALSO being some kind of way

SO

I DON'T KNOW what is the right thing

is it ONLY about how we feel

is it not ALSO about how we THINK?

I find myself

Uh oh like three things at once

some of them about you

some of them about me

SO

since I don't feel SAFE asking ANY of those questions

I will forge on with THEORY

which is really question two

in the form of a discussion

How close am I

How close are you

To who we REALLY are

insofar as THAT is even a THING 

I'm confident I've imbued you with traits

YOU don't have

I don't think they matter

When I say I love you

I'm sure you have imagined things about me

that are not true

probably they don't matter

I'm less sure

I can remember reading something you wrote

before I had ever met you

and thinking

I WANT THAT TURNED TOWARDS ME

I said that 

probably literally aloud 

I probably actually said DIRECTED

alliteration is poetic license

SO

NO MATTER WHAT

I am NOT complaining

AND

I find myself asking myself

WHY do you NEED to know what is going on

We are venturing off question two

ON TO

one of the questions I don't want to ask myself 

WHY can't you just GO

AND

I think it has to do with ME

I would say

I want to know

WHAT I'm doing

BUT

I'm not sure that's true

Because if I DO know what I'm doing

and it isn't X

then I might not be able to actually DO it

because I was always trying to

get to know you

I was never just whatever, ya know

SO

if I go

I have to believe X

and then if X isn't true

I'm DESTROYED, right

THAT has been my model

NOW

the PERSON I love

I SHOULD be able to see them

without all that BS, right?

BUT I don't have THAT model yet

I had one more in the old model

AND

it BROKE me

I'm trying to put myself back together

AND

I want YOU in my future

I MEAN ACTUALLY

I want you in my present, too

BUT

I am in this present moment

FEELING

as though 

I DON'T want to do THAT

LIKE THE REASON you acted like you didn't recognize me

was like a PATTERN INTERUPTION

like you wanted to FREE ME

BECAUSE you care about me, really

like, ya know, we

and then we figure out

what that means

and how we are

understanding that

it may actually be necessary to not be together

both because

you know

and because

the day to day maybe kills the POETRY

or

because we might be whatever

dramatically impractical in our love strategies

or just a variety of things

coming down to steps

shown work

blah blah

X

is this making any sense?

I know

I don't actually know

I know

I don't actually know

maybe I'm difficult for you

I am not trying to blame you for anything

but I'm not looking to apologize either

I'm off and on

having a little bit of

a psychological break

I think maybe the spinning between realities

might be a little bit of a super power

BUT

I AM NOT STABILIZED

SO

if you can help

I'd appreciate it

AND

if you cannot

FAIR ENOUGH

if I reacted to shit quickly

we wouldn't be looking at 20 years

it was the first time I didn't CRY

ANGER

until I understand

last time

I cannot work up

enthusiasm for

next time

and

it makes me not want to talk

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 

I dreamed

I can't remember most of it

but there was one part

I needed to use the bathroom

and

it was covered in this pink

STUFF

some girl

thinking she was all sexy, or whatever

had covered her body

with some pink unguent 

which had somewhere between hardened and congealed

and I was trying to clean things

enough to use 

AND

I was just thinking

SEXY is GROSS

when this grace jones vibe woman

came up behind me

and kissed me

four times

up my arm

from wrist to shoulder

and said

SOMETHING about PERSON

there was another dream

involving long walks

at night

ornamental parks

(maybe like cemeteries, but without any ghost energy or whatever)

but maybe involving religion

or cultural importance of some sort

it seemed important

BUT

I can't remember

and then there was something

about meeting someone

somewhere

BUT

we were not communicating

we were not on the same page

and it wasn't working

I've had

1 cup of tea

4 oatcakes

2 handfuls of golden berries

I want something else

don't know what 

3 oatcakes

3 handfuls of golden berries

1 packet fish jerky

50 chlorella tablets

4-5 cups of tea

1 liter Icelandic water

2 small bowls of split green peas

1 grapefruit 

1 piece of cinnamon cake

lung congestion seems better

nasal congestion seems worse

but

some front blew through

it rained

so

might be allergies

still too exhausted to walk

BUT also rainy day 

I'm NyQuiling

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 

I dreamed

I went various places

from my supposed life

and they were all CHANGED

BEYOND RECOGNITION

but then I went to my gran Gran's house

and my family was completely different too

and I was standing

it's hard to describe where

my paw paw had completely enclosed

the side of the house

where you used to have an exit in the kitchen

through this little pantry room

which I now suspect he added

and his bedroom had an exit too

I think

but I know that whole room was added

it was enclosed

to create a big laundry room

with storage and whatnot

then

you'd exit that room

out to a still semi enclosed area

that was the beginning of the back yard

(sort of) complex

which stored pots and plant paraphernalia

it was all very dark

and kinda dirty

in reality

I suspect it hadn't been approved

and so it wasn't maintained

by gran gran

but in my dream

it looked different

I always liked my paw paw's room

because it looked like a cave

he bought trophies at thrift store

and lined the shelves with them

and he had his 

JIGGY MACHINE

which was like some sort of belt massager

for sore muscles

and his putting machine

GOLF was his life

BUT

in the dream

it was a small bright room

with two parts

a bedroom and an office-y type area

with a big window I was looking into

and then I looked out

toward where the laundry room

would have been

and it was a huge lodge type room

with incredible beams

not heavy beams though

somewhere between like barn

and fantastic arabesque

AND

I'm like

OH I want to LIVE HERE 

OK

I got hungry

I made a salad with an avocado

a tomato and some olives

heated a bone broth

(Dr Kellyann Thai lemongrass)

4 oatcakes

2 handful of golden berries

a cup of tea

50 chlorella tablets

and another almost liter of Icelandic water

I'm exhausted

I'm NyQuiling

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 

OK

I have had

2 cups of tea

330ml of coconut water

almost 1 liter of Icelandic water

3 oatcakes

3 handfuls of golden berries

1 packet of fish jerky

and 50 chlorella tablets

I am full

I do not feel sicker

but I feel more brain foggy

AND

LESS FUNCTIONAL

not only do I not have energy for walking

I do not have energy for showering

standing

OR 

sitting

I'm going to lie back down

I can't get the link to work on my phone

BUT

it's the clam plate orgy title

I may have also read

Subliminal Seduction

but I'm not sure about that one

NOT still in print

BUT people are still buying and selling them

Wilson Bryan Key

I feel like

SUBLIMINAL

AND

SUPER-NORMAL

AND

Whatever you call

the HOT BUTTON

BASAL GANGLIA 

WORD MANIPULATION

are like the key pillars

of our society

AND

I'm not sure why

I'm thinking about that

BUT

MAYBE it's IMPORTANT 

SUPER-NORMAL STIMULI

I'm waiting not to forget this

it's important for

a variety of reasons

I don't think I ever told you

when I was about 12

I read this book on advertising

I don't know if it's still in print

hang on

I slept a long time

I feel sort of dazed

sorta dehydrated

not better

I made tea

but I didn't feel like I had

the energy to stand there and make broth

and MAKE is like

open a package and heat it

SO that's sub-optimal

I dreamed that I was being hunted

and I was hiding in the back corner

of an open garage

laundry hanging to block my view

not sure what happens if they find me

GOOD MORNING

AFTER NOON

😶‍🌫️

Sexy proof of life shot

YES I have been wearing these same clothes

for DAYS 

He's very sweet when he's asleep 

I took NyQuil

I'm going to bed

I hope I can go for a walk tomorrow

I had chips and guac with that salad

I really appreciate pollo loco

I wish they had the sweet plantains

otherwise they are A+

highly recommend

Ben and Vikki are better 🧲🧿

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

🖇️

I made food I couldn't eat

the TEXTURE was exquisite

it was sad to have to throw it out

it's strange that my sense of taste drives forward UNABATED

when your sense of TASTE

is SIXTY PERCENT smell

I've lost my sense of smell

which is SO disconcerting

BUT

on the plus side

I've coughed up some speutum (sp?)

which I've NEVER been

like even competent at doing

so there's that

not sure about the walk

that might be pushing things

we'll see after I eat something 

OK

I can mostly breathe through my nose

Coughing has not been a big issue

I'm hoping tomorrow I will feel good enough

to take a walk

AND

maybe I'll start with

Elecampagne (sp?) tincture

& poke root tincture

to clear my lungs 

and lymph

My birthday is coming up

I hope I'll be COVID negative by then

57

I've been thinking I'm 57 for like

6 months

SO I have to remind myself that I'm not

turning 58

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 

Also

I'm listening to Atomic Habits

and I fell asleep listening to some Australian woman talking about

How to be a Life Coach

idk if that affected my dreams

MAN

I WANT MORE PROTEIN

I found a fish jerky that I really like

which is not full of sugar

I don't think I've told you about it yet

NEPTUNE is the brand

Sea Salt and Juniper is the flavor

The company has a really GREEN CONSCIOUS

Like MISSION

PLUS

25g protein

560 mg Omega3

160 calories

1g fat

10carbs

Highly recommend

getting ready to watch Biden

I had dreams

AND

remembered them past waking

unlike

recently I've known I had them

sometimes I think they were about you

BUT

I can't remember them

these were not about you

I was in some small town

I was at some place

talking to the person running the place

which was some sort of retreat, maybe

AND

there was a library she had built for her daughter to run

BUT it wasn't actually run by her daughter

this really cool Asian woman ran it

I started talking to her

AND

she seemed like someone I might want to

actually be friends with

I went all over this town

I can't remember all the stuff

The Library was a BIOGRAPHICAL library

it collected information about people

obscure stuff

and not like books necessarily

I was really enjoying the whole experience

AND

then I realized

I'm contagious

I should be quarantined

I maybe fucking these people up

and I didn't know what to do

I wanted to carry on with these people

visit regularly

MAYBE even move there

BUT

HOW could I fix this

It's not like I purposely did it

I was just like behaving normally

BUT then remembered

I shouldn't have been

Ben and Vikki are very sick

I didn't make them sick

but I think I read the email when I was up

before going back to bed

so between 12:30 and 2am

I had my standard food (not sick food)

Beremeal Oatcakes and Golden Berries

with a little bit of CHEESE

my whole life

when I'm sick

and then I feel better

I want Cheetos

but then I eat Cheetos and I feel worse

I had actually kinda forgotten Cheetos exist

My new craving is egg roll 

from Ambassador Chinese Restaurant

SPECIFICALLY

so it's textural

CRUNCHY

and I think must have to do with 

FAT

or CARBS

or maybe just high calorie

it was too late for egg roll ordering

but the CHEESE went over well

wasn't CRUNCHY though

I have some CRUNCHY salmon skin

I'm maybe gonna eat now

I finished my chia pudding

I'm super proud of my strides in chia pudding

Use boiling water

For the first bit and stir

it softens the seeds

then I use coconut water

and finish with either kefir water or kombucha

I think anything carbonated would work

the carbonation puffs it slightly

then I mix in a couple tablespoons of COCOYO

Stevia drops 

approx 3 drops per tablespoon of chia used

Cinnamon

CARDAMOM

Sometimes Ginger

This Stevia is some special medical grade

they use (in larger than I am using quantities)

for Lyme disease treatment

it doesn't LOOK pretty

but it is ENJOYABLE

and I DO NOT like chia pudding

Yesterday I did have my chia pudding

but I had bone broth too

TODAY

I'm gonna risk those chips

OH

I forgot

I also had 50 chlorella tablets

TOCHI

is the brand of salmon chips

GLUTEN FREE

8g protein

5g marine collagen

90mg omega 3

140 calories

9g fat

6 carbs

it's definitely a snack food

not like an everyday thing

The best flavor I've had is 

Roasted Egg

which I was almost afraid to try

Highly recommend 

I can breathe through my nose some

and I have managed to avoid coughing

TOO MUCH

I think I'm on the mend

VERY fatigued, thought

took NyQuil and slept earlier

ate chicken soup

NyQuiling again

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

_30.6

I really thought

I was gonna gain weight

I ate stuff

Christmas cookies

Cheese popcorn

Chama Gaucha (sp?) Brazilian grilled meat

I ate small amounts, mostly

Because I'm used to that with all the fasting

AND

I was like

this has been great

BUT

I'm so looking forward to going back to

Eating very little

I felt stuffed

like a little Christmas sausage

And I didn't eat a lot yesterday

BUT

I don't think I gained 10 pounds

Over the holidays

And then lost all that yesterday

What I thought would happen

was my body would reset

to a higher set point

and I'd start seeing better results

AND

that seems to be what happened

I still feel really sick

BUT

it's moving into my lungs more

and I have that weakness in my vocal chords

SO

TODAY

the goal is to minimize coughing

👾🫚

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much ❤️

👾🫚

I hate to talk to you about my mom

BUT

I was really looking forward to telling my therapist

AND

he was sick yesterday

cancelled

I will probably still be quarantined

the following week

AND

I'm so proud of this

I have to tell you

NOW

BACKSTORY

once I really got it in my head

that nothing she says

is tied to how she thinks or feels

it's just designed to get some outcome

it affected me

I started seeing her as a hollow shell

she was dehumanized slightly

and I felt like my boundaries were

becoming aggressive and/or punitive

THAT was another reason I went to therapy

HOWEVER

I started seeing positive results

SO

good?

Anyway I'm trying to lean into it

while not becoming a monster

good luck?

Therapist Approved

ANYWAY

I said something

AND

she said something about me being a redhead

And I'm like

is that supposed to be bad?

And she's like oh yes blah blah

And I'm like

well my father told me red hair was the BEST color hair

AND when they tried to tease me

in first grade

for having red hair

I LAUGHED at them

Said they were just jealous

AND

My Mother used to tease me until I would cry

AND when I asked her why

she said it was because I reacted so BEAUTIFULLY

BUT

she NEVER 

teased me about having red hair

SO

I refuse to believe that that is even 

a REAL THING

to tease about

And she thought about it a second

and laughed

(a laugh you could imagine someone laughing if you caught them in a logic puzzle, maybe)

And I'm like

Yeah

that's funny

Not sure if the yeah that's funny was

Additive or a weak moment jab

uncertain how much of this she can process

BUT

some of it gets in

I texted her early this morning

to tell her to take a COVID test

and she doesn't have it

OK

I think I'm ok

I mean I suppose it could all go to hell

but

I felt sick yesterday

and

they asked me to come in the work

because Lucy tested + 

Donna is sick

I bought some stuff from Lucy on Thursday

and

on Saturday I was in the studio

and heard Lucy dropping something off

at Donna's door

Blah blah COVID

BUT

I still didn't think I had it when I got sick

I got up at 4:30

so I could assess

and I'm like

I should take a test

AND

BAMM

but I'm not super sick

I've walked up and down the stairs

a bunch of times

When I had flu last

I maybe had one stair trip a day

SO

I think I'm trying to say

Don't Worry

I'll be fine

AND

I believe that to be true 

Hey

just so you know

this latest COVID variant

is like, I guess, extra contagious

I've been pretty careful

haven't been around folks much

but

I have COVID

SO

please be careful 

I honestly just thought I had a little cold

OR

VERY bad allergies

with maybe a little sinus infection

I'm not running fever 

I am up to date on vaccines, though

not sure if this variant is in there

I think so 

not sure 

LIGHTER

SO

I don't know that any of this

actually went into a "decision"

EXACTLY

BUT

here goes

I have issues

and I knew I was gonna have issues

because I have all this stuff

BUT

I was not expecting what happened exactly

and then I couldn't shake it

I couldn't work it out by myself

so I thought THERAPY was a good idea

BUT

I didn't really want to talk about my issues

because they aren't normal

and I don't have any reason to think

some rando is qualified to arbitrate my shit

ya know

I just wanted help

figuring out what I WANT

ya know

AND

I didn't talk about you

BUT

I kinda did in an extremely oblique way

There is all this stuff about friendship

and CONNECTION, I say

PEOPLE don't really contribute much to me, I say

if all that STUFF is right

I am gonna need like a whole strategy

for finding THE PEOPLE

THOUGHTS?

AND

He's like what do you want from friends

AND I'M ALL LIKE

I JUST WANT SOME MENTAL STIMULATION

every once in a while

BUT

I'm not asking you about what I want

I'm asking you about your professional opinion about what I need

AND

he busts out

ONLINE

HUH, I muse

that is what I DID DO

BUT

it all seemed a little fast and loose

ya know

He's not really prepared to do what I want him to 

I want to analyze THINGS

but I have issues and baggage

and I'm not objective

Blah blah blah

which is I think part of why I want the vegetal mother to tell me how to fix my shit

in some ahyahuasca (sp?) ceremony or summat

I'm looking around for guidance

and the books he's recommending are not cutting it

I found one

everything it was saying was

like exactly what I wanted to hear

I wasn't just looking for the actual meat in a sea of watery gravy

IT WAS ON POINT

it was called The 12 WEEK YEAR

however

when I got to VISION

I didn't have one

YES, of course that is my problem

I kinda knew that

BUT

NOW I really know it, right

SO

I tried some other books but NO

AND of course

I ended up just acknowledging that 

the VISION GUY is Tony Robbins

and felt weird about it

BUT

I wasn't wrong about it

I've been listening to 

UNLEASH the POWER WITHIN

ALWAYS MAKE DECISIONS from a PEAK STATE

I wasn't planning on going ape shit on you

I was planning on figuring out

exactly what I needed

setting boundaries and blah blah

because I have shit glomped on

that's cultural

that's daddy issues

that's my own excuse/justification process

I had to parce that out

BUT

I've been in a PEAK STATE a lot lately

AND something set me off

and I was all like

I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS

Blah blah fuck you

And he was right

I DID know

BUT

that was the BEGINNING of the process

He has a whole thing

That is ESSENTIALLY the same as my

YOU HAVE to ACTUALLY WANT

(to CHANGE)

NOT JUST WANT TO WANT TO

Except he calls it a must instead of a should

AND he talks about ways to get there

which I'm familiar, ya know

BUT

it was VERY helpful to have it

TALKED TO ME, somehow

IT'S NOT ENOUGH

TO STOP

YOU HAVE TO REPLACE the thing you NEED

or you throw yourself into the problem

you are using the behavior to AMELIORATE

SO

IF YOU ARE AN ADDICTION

(which is a model we have used

for a long fucking time)

WHAT can I replace you with

NOTHING

BUT

it was BROKEN

so I couldn't just CONTINUE

or STOP

I TOLD the therapist

I DID KNOW what I wanted to do

BUT that it wasn't a thing I could do

SHAMAN

He's like

OH that's a THERAPIST

You could get into a program

and be doing therapy almost right away

with supervision

YOU WOULD BE AWESOME

I'm not sure I would like that

I say

I'm not looking for something I CAN DO

I'm looking for what I WANT

I couldn't articulate quite what I wanted in SHAMAN

that was distinct from helping with

(Big Complicated stuff)

BUT NOW I CAN

It's ANALYSIS, yes

BUT

it's ALSO

MYSTICAL

POETRY

ART

There's a NECESSARY

ELEMENT of CREATION/CREATIVE ENERGY

AND

GOD GAVE YOU to ME

AND ME to YOU

it doesn't have to do with petty quotidian

BOY -- GIRL STUFF

THE ENERGY RUNS THROUGH THAT

BUT

it's MORE than THAT

BUT it all got SO CONCENTRATED 

and PERSONAL 

in the pandemic

AND

MIXED IN

AND THEN

I had that I HAVE COMPLETELY FABRICATED

THIS ENTIRE THING

there was even one reality

where your wife was thanking me for my service

because

I had fabricated everything

you never cared about me at all

but had my shit foisted up on you

BUT

it was helpful fodder for the mill

ya know

and that was a pretty low moment

all the whole listening to CONSTITUTIONAL SCHOLARS podcasting

there was more

BUT

I couldn't not tell you that I loved you

I HAVE THIS THING

ABOUT NEEDING to BE THE ONE

AND

I was what amounts to

COSMICALLY BUTT-HURT

MAYBE

(probably an over-simplification)

I was all tied up in the concept of 

CONSENT/ABUSE

Because those are VERY REAL

for me

BUT my BOUNDARY SETTING

is SOLID

it just shouldn't really apply

in the same way

to 

MAGIC 

Good Morning Sweetheart

the glowing green

has stopped

I don't think I can articulate fully

right at this moment

BUT

I will

👾🫚

I remembered the next question 

AND

I'm not asking it

not right now

WHO KNOWS

MAYBE

MAYBE I will ask it

MAYBE I won't

NOT TONIGHT

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 

OK

I know it's new years eve and shit

BUT

reality just cycled through

like several shifts

I'm not sure

what is the appropriate thing to say

for new years eve

I got so befuddled

I forgot the next question

but then I wasn't sure if I was asking 

there is, of course, more

BUT

that question is the first GATEWAY 

there's not much point

I, of course, want to charge into all the questions

BUT

I'm NOT 

open loop, thank you

in progress

I'm not trying to be objectionable

let me clarify and explain

Robert is the one

he was pretty rape-y generally

I'm not saying you

violated me

I'm absolutely NOT saying that

I initially

conceptualized it as

the CURSE

then

I thought you either

couldn't trust me

OR

had made a very specific promise

to yourself or another

about

specific 

words

OR

behaviors

THEN

I thought

you were concerned

someone would see something

BUT

over time

I have arrived at this IDEA

the Josephine factor

AND

whether that is

IMPORTANT

to the EXPERIENCE 

in progress

how important is the "Josephine factor"

...and the best part was

when she woke up

she didn't even know...

I feel like you perfected that

BUT

the cognitive dissonance is too much

my brain actually went to

if he loved me

this could not be happening

not like this

it is actually easier to believe that

I have imagined the whole 20 years

besides

I'm sure you've never woken up

to somebody just fucking you

like you were a corpse

BUT

I have

and it's somewhat traumatizing

I have feels

intense feels

and

I think I need more therapy now

I want to continue this conversation

ALSO

I want you to know

I'm not telling my therapist about you

because

I'm not asking for his opinion

OR

I don't want to just sound too insane

OR

SOMETHING

but I'm not

I love you 

in progress

Thank you for being the love of my life

Thank you for giving my life purpose for 20 years

Thank you for letting me know what it was to really want something-- to claw my way up from wanting to die

I'm not sure what happens now but I wanted to tell you that-- 👾🫚

I'm confused

I guess you could say generally

I'm spending a fuck-ton on therapy

I'm not sure if it's helping or not

whatever it is you want from me

I'm not sure if I can

I'm not sure if I will

I'm not sure if I want to

Because

IDK what it is

I don't know why you pushed me for like two years

to get me to come see you

so that you could show me

it doesn't matter

and

you don't care whether I'm there or not

BUT

I'm in the existential crisis

the one I would have

planned to

kill myself over

I'm NOT

KILLING MYSELF

AND

I'm still trying to have a relationship with you

BUT

if I'm doing something "wrong"

then

just fuck you

in progress

WHY

and since when

is CHRISTMAS a

FIREWORKS holiday

WTSF

LAST NIGHT too

I walked over and cooked for my mom

I watched HMS Pinafore

(all male cast)

Now watching Holiday Inn

not the movie

a stage production

might watch Golds's Balcony next

still in progress

this is my new sushi place

replacing sushi choo choo

I just had Malaysian food for the first time

BUT

it will not be the last

I love the little crispy anchovies

and the FAT RICE

probably more fattening than optimal

BUT

I like it better than the sweet Thai coconut rice

ALSO

I had a yellowtail & jalapeno roll

AND

I'm fucking stuffed

I decided to go easy on myself for the remainder of the year

FOOD JOY MODE

I just saw this and I don't want to forget

The wound is the place the light enters you

-Rumi

I think I painted this in college, in oil, and it's not like major or anything, but I liked it enough to hang it up

I really do like it

I can't remember how much

I told you

of my concerns for my feet

it was mostly a fascia thing

as it turns out

and

I'm really happy with them now, generally

in progress, still

_32.4

in progress

in progress

I have been listening to this book

The 12 week year

AND

it's speaking my language, somehow

BUT

I don't have the VISION

SO

I'm leveraging that work first thing when you get up thing

like brainstorming like

AND

Today's practice:

What if you started a religion

like your spirit guide (or whatever) suggested when you were a kid

What would that look like

EMPATHY & ENGAGED THINKING

are the traits I most want to build 

RESET ENGAGEMENT AROUND FOOD

it's important!

and food restrictions is the wrong angle

because it makes people look for loopholes

---that's the problem the benefit is from the embrace of food as something larger

---that restrictions/rules/mindfulness are appropriate/beneficial/character developing

---but the specifics are unimportant and so should be individual choice (&changed whenever too)

SEASONAL DEVELOPMENT CYCLES 

HOLIDAY REBOOT

RESEARCH:

---MARIE KONDO

---PELOTON

as inspiration

THE WAY THIS WORKS

CINNABON MODEL

---make it delicious

---perfected to meet even wait time

---never needs reformulation

HABITS & ATTITUDE

MOST PREDICT

HAPPY LIFE

SO 

It's the development of a framework

of HABITS

---HAPPY

---EMPATHETIC

---THINKING THINGS THROUGH/making decisions about the way you will use self imposed restrictions for development and growth

THOSE KIND OF HABITS

AND

I MEAN HABITS

BUT

the people who don't want HABITS

don't want religion

RELIGION IS HABITS

in progress