so what surfaces

talk all you want
about magical thinking
i've sewn your shadow to me by mistake

what shall we make of a windy wendy house
a strong hazel broom for the dust
head over heel
jack and jill
water pail

and spoon
crazy mambo dances
to the moon, man, and beyond

can we go out into the wilderness
and bring the vision


home

don't freak out

if i'm not making any sense today
i'm a little high
and maybe a bit drunk too

just let it wash over you
and see what surfaces

tonight's reading

somehow this answers and fails to answer all my questions

but this is us

just to clarify

i'm not saying i want to do fillers

i'm pretty happy with the results i'm getting
and
i wasn't bad to begin with

however
i'm late with happy happy blood time
so i'm worried that i may be building up toxins

it is a seasonal change
and sometimes it does that
to readjust to the moon phase it likes better [seriously]

so i'm not freaking out yet
but the fact that my mind goes there naturally
lets me know
i'm not 100% comfortable
with
even just the rubbing of frankenstein cream on my face

whatever

you probably weren't worried

i've had a weird day

i couldn't sleep last night
or i didn't try very hard to go to sleep
and that happens with some regularity
i'd normally just go to work on three hours sleep
but
i woke up with a migraine-esque headache
and again i'd normally just go to work
but
i didn't

i decided i needed no to
and i thought i'd spend the day
writing to you
but
i didn't

i felt bad
but i couldn't go back to sleep
[repeated texts]
so i mostly watched videos on youtube

i watched this whole documentary about this woman in romania
having a 158 pound tumor removed
but it was voice-over-dubbed in russian
almost an hour

then i watched plastic surgery videos
i am shocked and amazed to see all the things fillers can do
i been religiously
putting baby collagen growing serum on my face
boom
five minutes with filler

that botox is some messed up shit though
i'm not doing that, ever

i wanted to talk about some serious stuff
but now
i don't want anything heavy

i'd like to just collapse against you
i'm not even sure i could handle anything much else
but i do wish i could kiss you
and
maybe we could flop down onto something comfortable
and watch something mind-numbingly beautiful
or have the kids run back and forth
over the top of us
till we finally pull them down into a big heap with us

that's what i want to do tonight
we'll have to conceive them on another night

i love you

what will he think of that post

nope, not that either

i watched the boxing episode of battlestar galactica last night
and all the dynamic between starbuck and lee
some of it i only understand intellectually
it seems all tied up
with their
past
in ways completely foreign
some of it i find just confusing
but
when they are fighting
until each is so exhausted
that they are holding each other up
so the fight won't end
and
starbuck says: i missed you
lee says:  i missed you too
and she smiles
because she realizes that something vital is intact

that
i understood viscerally

i wanna tell you what happened on my official visit

i was worried
i really didn't know what to expect
the dist manager k. came by early to make sure
i guess, that he knew what he was going to be walking into
it wasn't perfect
it wasn't bad

he asks me sample questions
he gets my answers
he tweaks my answers
[he doesn't care about this visit]
he tells me:
now they may have feedback for you
try not to take it personally
[he isn't addressing this to me, specifically
he doesn't know me
it's more of a general warning to a junior officer]

he comes back with them
them is my arch nemesis [the chick i gotta ask for dough]
and one of the buyers, let's call him pete
handshakes all round

pete turns to me and says: what's working for you
and i tell him, in some detail

he starts telling me about company exclusives
i mention one that's been doing extremely well
he mentions some awards another line has won
gold for the cab and the chard and silver for the pinot

really, i say, i think the pinot is the best one
i think so too, he says

he takes a picture of my sake display
blah blah blah

they have a plane to catch
handshakes all round
the district manager says:
i'm gonna be seeing you
[only he says it like that means something]

he takes them out
he comes back
he shakes my hand again
you were really great with pete, he says

he was a lot of fun
i answer back

he stops
he looks quizzical:
yeah, he's a good guy i guess
we just come from different worlds
i'm operational

[i'm not really sure what i'm supposed to take away from that]



i sort of think it was a good visit

i hope you got to read that

because i didn't feel comfortable leaving it up
i don't think it's a good story
but i do think
it makes me feel exposed
and
yesterday i found out i had some kind of inspection today
and that also made me feel vulnerable
and
that wasn't what i wanted from that story
it's too much wind up
i thought maybe i could weave it
but
it loses the poetry
it loses the zen


maybe you're unhappy that i didn't finish
i'm sorry
and i feel awkward now

ok so i've been trying to decide how to approach that story

and
i'm just getting myself confused
and further and further removed
from the actual story
so
here's what i'm gonna do
i'm gonna
imbibe
and then i'm gonna write
and
we'll just see what i get
not claiming it will be the story
but
i'm gonna start it the way i decided to write it
and
we'll see what happens
and you'll see
writing in real time

go

it occurs to me that i left out something, possibly important

the question i asked god

was
yeah yeah, blah blah blah
give me a sign
we know we know

but, i remember now there was more

i was muttering some small bit about
work

so this might have been
about what
about career

counseling

i asked god for a sign today, and i guess i got it, but it kind of traumatized me

thirty-year-old sushi guy
i don't think i mentioned
is a student
he's in junior college

and i guess he's in an english class, or something
so he asks me to read "his paper"

he makes some comment about it being late
but how if it's amazing he can get away with it
and he talks a little bit about what a good writer he is

so
i'm thinking
ya know
that it's a finished paper, and he just wants
i don't know
advise about making it perfect

but
i mean
jesus christ on a popsicle stick
this is not even coherently a paper at all

he read an essay
which, in fairness, i haven't read
but, even so, i think he is speaking to what he read
but
is it possible that he really thought that that was a paper

i think i may have not been a very good friend
i tried to give him useful advice
but
i don't think that's what i should have done

it was the first moment
[reading his paper, that is]
in which i was profoundly grateful that i did not become a college professor

it began with the most passive version of not really saying anything that i think i have ever read

'it is the case that in life there are many things which are beyond the control...'
but it wasn't clear if that [or anything else in the first paragraph] was an assertion of the author of the essay or the author of the paper.

anyway
he's talking about a victorian essay on finding what one truly likes
or something
and he was saying that the author was gay
and he had a subtext [i'm paraphrasing]
he was asking his readers to consider what they really liked
rather than liking what they were told to like
and, i mean you get it
it could be an interesting paper, or not

but
he seemed to be supporting his point
by using outside sources to say the guy was gay
[yes, he says, that's what he's using the outside sources for]

and i flash back to high school
what do you know about what this teacher expects, i ask him
because i got into all kinds of trouble
trying to make assertions about the motivations of the writer
english teachers don't usually want you to really make you own assertions
they usually want you to collect a group of approved scholarly types
who have already had your thoughts, and quote them

and
i tried to explain to him about passive sentences and why it really is better
to have a subject, verb, and object
and how much stronger a short paper it might be
if he stated, oh, like  in his essay "blah blah" M. Blah states blah blah blah
and when he does that what he is really doing is blah.
and then proceed to show with examples from the text
those points

so
what we learned here is: i'm a bitch, right
i mean
if he didn't know that stuff
probably
i should have been nicer to him

but
how do you get though high school without learning that
he took me by surprise

but
i had a similar experience with my mom a few weeks ago
she is taking some sort of public speaking coaching
and she had written a speech
she wanted me to proof read it
tell her what i thought
now
my mother can write
she understands that
she just didn't really take into account who she was talking to
she's making a shell argument
because she's trying to convince people that they need to be more creative
only she doesn't really care about that
what she really wants is to sell them lessons

so she starts out with an argument meant to persuade non-creative types
only she doesn't fact check
so there are things that are just wrong
and then she seems to get bored with it
like, whatever, i gave you enough reasons
and starts talking about how our inner creative self might be our soul
[which, under normal circumstances, i might say: hell yeah, cool
but coming at the end of this let's-appeal-to-the-left-brain attempt
made me want to dismiss her entirely]

i told her it would be a stronger argument if she chose her audience
although i'm thinking now
you could do a two pronged argument
if you set it up that way
that might even be stronger, in fact
appeal to a mars and venus type dynamic
show how creativity training could benefit each type respectively


so
i'm asking you now:
what is wrong with me

what is this experience supposed to be telling me

untitled

have you thought about me
have you
do you still dance with the lollipop kids

is there a shiver spot
on the tightrope
between
here and
now

i psychoanlyze
myself

and last night i dreamed of baking brownies
with cacao and ice cream, and oddly, mayonnaise

you had built up
bar by bar a structure
made of dough or sushi, particle or wave

i had to finish it
perfect the edges
fill the gaps
to win the second round of i'm not sure what

then i was baking
eight perfect bars

that was where the brownies came in

the cards say
who's your daddy

do you want me to write you, mr okada

the once and future

it's 4/20
and i'm celebrating
it's been a long time, and i don't remember
this exactly either

and
i miss you
or
maybe my imaginary you
sitting around
talking
being together

would that be anything like i imagine
because
i imagine you definitely
a particular way
and sometimes i think you see how i see you
but i'm not sure how much of it you really see

you're interesting
not that you talk a lot necessarily
but you have thoughts and observations
that are off beat and slightly random
in a way i find stimulating

but i realize now
i don't write you much dialog in my head
for good or bad
it's mostly tone

you know a lot more about me
how i think and what i like
and what i might say
i feel like that, anyway

do you feel like you know me well

yellow glass heart sutra [i'm writing you a story, i hope]

about a week ago
i was in an overlapping place in time
and
the key
was a yellow glass pendant of kwan yin
heart sutra etched behind her in chinese in the background

the story, i hope
is the overlapping

i don't think this can have been you

because i don't think there had been enough time
for you to have read it
and gone to sleep
and
dreamed it at me

so
maybe
it's me
or
it's god
or maybe
you just thought it at me
really hard

i can't be sure which i believe
but
here's what i dreamed

i was having a stressful dream
i had forgotten to order paper coffee cups
and scott was yelling at me
then i was eating
some kind of exotic tofu dish
when someone
let me know there was a problem with another vendor

then i was sitting at a table
telling someone
that i had a test the next day
and i didn't know what it was over
that there was no hope of better than a C
because i was going to just go off my general knowledge

suddenly
a handsome man leans in:

you and i
we are going to get some cacao smoothies

and i'm all like ok

and then
this woman
who i don't recognize
who has been talking to a group in an adjoining area
she comes over and starts berating me
for not attending to what she's been saying
apparently she's my boss
and she's giving me the test tomorrow

and then
it was 6am
and i had to get up to go to my
wow we just told you about it on friday
work meeting
on my day off

and i said to myself

we are going to be getting cacao smoothies

but
then i thought
maybe it was god
finally deciding to answer me
about what my next step in life needs to be

i've been having very stressful dreams

please send me some
filled with
what you want "us" to look like
i'm not askin ya to tell me, understand
i'm askin ya to dream it at me

today is not going well

i had nightmares
i damaged my eye somehow
in my sleep
it is red and scareing me
i am working 4am to noon, or whenever
i need a hug
today
so far
sucks

i'm doing laundry and i just realized something

all those colorful clothes
that i ever mentioned
i don't wear them at all
i'll go to brown, plum, gray
i will on occation go to blue or ocher
but i just will not wear
no matter how good it looks
brights and patterns
or, really pastels
orange shirt, once
sleeveless patterned shirt/jacket, never
blue and orange tie dye, twice
but once was to sleep in
i proved my lesson again
do not buy those things
i just cannot be comfortable in them
weird, huh

i hope you get what i'm trying to say and don't just think i'm being stupid

i'm feeling very grateful for you today

even if
this is all
it's still pretty awesome to love you
and to get to use my imagination in a way
that i never would have
without there being you
and
i was thinking
that i need more
but
that can mean
a lot of different things
not just what i want it to be
and
so
grateful
rather than
whatever

paris review

i was in the barnes & noble
i don't usually go there
but today i just got a wild hair, and that's where i ended up

i checked out the news stand
because
the way you like the newspaper
i enjoy magazines, journals really
and i haven't read a magazine since i don't know when
or read a book
i'm a little too a.d.d.
or i couldn't really see
or
something

anyway
i decided
in that sort of sudden and solid way
that sometimes overtakes me
that i want to read the paris review
like from now on
and
this issue is the 60th anniversary issue

i think i've been picking it up
and then putting it back
for 30 of those 60
enough
already
i bought it

i haven't read it yet
but
i looked to see who the interview
was mark leyner

i don't know mark leyner
and i thought it would be fun
like an awesome tie in
for my first time reading the paris review
to read a book by the interviewee
his newest [2012] is the sugar frosted nutsack

and

i think

i'm gonna like it

i can't remember the question

everything is strange

it' happy happy blood time
and nothing seems calm or rational
i'm assuming you're ok
i'm assuming we're ok
i keep feeling you
or i think it's you
maybe it's me
and you seem agitated
be happy
you have a good life
you'll be fine no matter what happens
i love you
very much

sign posts

last wednesday i had a conversation with god
well, i talked
look god
i don't know whether
i can't hear you because i'm too embroiled in working
or because i'm less crazy
or maybe it's that you think i've gone off track
you disapprove of my actions
or lack of actions

so
if you could give me some sign
something to let me know
something
i'd really appreciate it

so
i went to work
and i had to do this change over thingy
and i had a packet of signage and whatnot
now i had been most concerned with the part of the packet
that let me know what i needed to order
and where everything had to go
because normally i barely get it in enough time to order that stuff
and this time it came in plenty of time

but
i didn't open the packet to take everything out
i just took out what i was concerned with
saw that it looked like the right amount of stuff
and didn't worry about it

however
when i went to put up the feature signs
they weren't there

and i knew they were theoretically
in a folder somewhere, reprintable
but i couldn't find where
and i was freaking out

i wrangled sushi-thirties-guy into helping me look
and, eventually, we found them
then
i had to reprint them all
and i still got done pretty much on time

so
what was the sign in that
i mean it was all about signs

i'm not sure

then yesterday, on the road, i asked god
if he's upset with me and wants me to turn around
show me one large bird
[i had been seeing solo large birds all the drive up]
if he's not upset with me and everything's ok
show me two little birds flying together

i saw not one bird of any size
the whole way home

so
hey god
does that mean
neither of those fits
or
you aren't speaking to me anymore

so now i'm unreasonably worried
that you are pissed with me
even though the whole thing was just some shit i made up
so why would you be mad
but then i told you about it, didn't i
so maybe you're mad about that
and radio8ball is down

so i'm frantically asking the cards
and they are fucking with me, totally

but here's what they say you feel about me, right now

and now

and now

and those aren't bad, actually
but earlier they were all bad
and
before that
it said that you were involved in a very profitable
or potentially profitable
i'm gonna say
networking session
when i was wanting you
and that it was better for you to have been where you were, really

which is not the degree of specificity that i frequently get
so i'm inclined to think
psychic flash
but hey
who can say

anyway
whatever
i hope you're good
and
i wish i knew
what all my signs and lack of signs
mean

i'm sorry my darling

i thought if it was meant to be
we'd find each other
but
even if you wanted me
the people
and the sun
are too much for me
and i just feel beaten down
and i hardly got out of the car
i guess i'm not any fun any more
a place can't impress me
unless it is both
naturally beautiful
and
almost completely empty

i would turn around
i'm not that far
but
i don't believe you ever
expected to meet me
unless it was through
appropriate channels

maybe i'm wrong

i feel you very strongly all the same
i love you like wildfire
but
i'm crying a little
so close
and yet
so far

editing parnassus

i was compiling a book
i wasn't writing it
it was for
a class
maybe
but not like for a grade
more like a teaching aid

i wish i could remember what

i know there was something
about
apollonian and dionysian

about form and performance

and
maybe that's a sign of something
maybe i'm working on something

10

i feel you out there

but i don't know what you're thinking

i fell asleep on the couch and i just had a really bad dream about my father

i forgot in the dream that he was dead
he wanted me to come with him, somewhere
i was busy doing something with a friend
i told him i needed to know where
we need to go and see the father, he said

you know what
no
i don't wanna do that now

and then
we were in a screaming fight
about how i'm sorry i'm such a disappointment
to both my parents

i'm having trouble typing half asleep

anyway
he got into a mud hole
and spit bones at me, or something

so
i'm all freaked out now

blah blah blah

so
the dreams were bad
but i don't remember much
i know my mom said she was gonna come to live with me
and that i needed to start saving up for my skinny dress [?]
and i had a job hanging fruit shaped air fresheners in porta cans


i figured out a way around the fact that i can't afford that eye cream
i've been using samples
which consist of little foiled squares you tear open
each one is 1ml
she told me to use each one for a week
[i feel a little bad not buying it from her, but
i cannot afford the $150. for 20ml]
so i found a pack of 30 samples for $30.
which i can afford
i don't really get a week out of the 1ml
i only get 5 days
but still this is almost a 6 month supply

sometimes when you can't afford the golden ticket
you have to find another way to make it work

i am testing a sample of a new skin cream
and i'm really liking it
i can't find a complete ingredients list

all these asian skin care products are a little sketchy on the details

take an adequate amount
makes your face feel embraced
makes face shiny and smooth

but some of these products are all big on science
i'd like to know what they actually do for your skin
so
i keep looking up bits and pieces of the puzzle
hoping i can figure out how to find out what i want to know

juvinity, for example, is a french ingredient
stops cell senescence

i've been using this stuff since beginning of january
and i love it, a lot
gonna keep using it

but it would have been great not to have to work so hard for the info

i had really bad dreams last night

and i have some stuff
that i want to tell you
but
i feel
constrained
and
it's confusing

the seduction of a fireplace and a heated floor

today
i saw a fireplace
well, it wasn't really a fire
it was really all l.e.d. lights, and it wasn't very satisfying
not in itself
but
it made me remember something

i once stayed in this little sort of attached cabin motel room
and it had been kinda spa-ified
it had a fire
which was a gas fire, but with stones
so it had a very satisfying look
but the bathroom was the best
it had heated floor stones
and the floor and shower and counter
were all beautiful stone

it was
amazing, actually
and it felt good
and it was the second place that i really thought:
this is a setting i'd really like to, you know
and
at various times
i have imagined us having a honeymoon there
although, since then, i've thought up some other places

but
i thought of that again today
and i wanted to tell you about it

and
i've wanted to tell you other things
that i couldn't find a way to say without sounding whiny
and i don't mean them whiny
so i didn't say them
but now
i have a context
a location

this april marks the fifth anniversary of my
quitting smoking
and quitting sex
and
i have been thinking about it
not the smoking, i don't think i could do that anymore
it makes me kinda nauseated when i smell it
but
i miss the sex
and
if i had realized that it would be five years
i don't think i would have stopped

and
i'm not sure it's something i'd find easy to pick right up again
is it like riding a bicycle
or
what

and
i thought that, for sure, we'd eventually get together, ya know
but, if you want to know the contents of my head
i'm not thinking it's really likely, anymore
and
i had a long talk with myself in the shower today
about all the things that might have led you to do that thing
and how none of them are probably gonna change
how you really are owned
by somebody else

and
i mean
none of this is new
and
i'm pretty sure i've told you all that stuff before

but then tonight i was out at dinner
and i saw that fireplace
and it made me think

of us
in that cabin
our first time
and it wouldn't be just like it was our first time
in an awkward and tender way
it would be my first time

and what would we do
what do i even like anymore

the thing i always liked
craved, really
was the energy
to feel the waves of energy travel
through my lovers body
to pass them back and forth
fully permeated
but then
i cannot lie
i like the friction too
it just isn't the first or the best thing

and
that being the case
i'm not getting better at sex by going it alone
and i'm not really going it, much
probably once or twice a month i make an attempt
just to satisfy the bodily need
when it becomes too strong
and it isn't really very satisfying

and
i think it's changed me

do i seem changed
i worry, sometimes

look, i say as i dance around

look at the way my white hairs
are co operating to be the most adorable
little bright highlights

i had been uncomfortable with them at first
had considered covering them with blonde
blonde would make better highlights, obviously
except
to make them blonde
i'd have to dye, or rinse, or whatever
all my hairs
not just the offending white ones
and
though that wouldn't change the color, as such
i decided it would, in all likelihood, change the tone
so i didn't
i just let it be
to preserve the beautiful color of my hair
until such time as there was too much white for it to be beautiful hair anymore
and then
then i'd reconsider the whole concept of dye

the whole mass of hair was beginning to look
better
it had been looking a little rough
frizzy, dry
i'm tempted to use words like grizzled
though of course that's not fair

i'm using a new shampoo and conditioner
i have no idea what they are called
who makes them
what they contain
they have a serum-like quality
and the bottles are purple with a phoenix bird
or at least i see it as a phoenix bird

i dance around again, shake my head
you love me you know, i say smilingly
yep, you found me out
what ya gonna do about that

hmmmm

what are you doing?

because either you are
thinking about me
with intensity
or
i need to go to the doctor
because
things have been
roller coaster-y
in a good
but
distracting
way
like
you're bringin the heat

very strange dreams last night

driving all over kansas
looking for something


i love you
i don't think you sent me this dream though
i think
i wish
i knew
what you think
future
distant future
looks like

that time revolution came!!!!!!!

WARNING: i learned a new skill and i used it a lot

it's good
and i've found out more
[exciting boring girly stuff]

i'm not sure which order i should tell this

ok
yesterday i had another headache
and by the time i got off work, i really needed to wander
so i went to ulta3
i tried on a bunch of eyeshadow
and i bought 2 colors
cargo: yukon and stila: black diamond

and
i think i might actually wear these, really

so then i had to clean it all off
a bunch of times, actually
with exuviance cleanser
which is a line i'm short listing because of this
[this is background]

so
i go home
and my package is at the back door
very excited

so
i mean
of course i put it on right away
and it feels pretty good
but i still had planned to wash my face and etc later
except that i fell asleep on the sofa

and when i woke up
my face felt great
except, i had forgotten about the time revolution serum
so i was trying to remember what i'd put on my face at ulta
just that cleanser
wow i guess i gotta buy that stuff it's awesome
which made me a little sad
because i'm kinda into my evening cleanser
and if i wanted to change i kinda want the eve lom now
[although, when i was younger
like before last fall
i pretty much always wanted cleansers that
are creams you rub on and tissue off
no water involved]

so anyway
i woke up a little more throughly
and remembered that

1. it was the new time revolution
2. it was free
3. i have a full sized bottle

so then i started doing more research

and, apparently it is a copy cat

of estee lauder's advanced night repair

i guess the patent ran out

and it's a cult classic

i mean, i remember my mom using that when i was in high school

i tried it then

and thought:  well this doesn't really do anything

but, hey, my skin didn't really need doing then

and besides

missha didn't really just copy

they improved on it

but seriously

this is so good that it makes me want to try

more time revolution stuff

i don't know

at least their other dupe

which is for this cult classic

anyway

i'm very excited

i want you tonight

it's pretty bad
i want to feel your skin
on my skin
i want
to hold you
and
i want to learn
how our bodies fit
together
and
together
come on baby
justify my love, or whatever
throw them to the lions
[it's possible that that is way too obscure]
if you got it
you can smile
now come
here
sweetness

just blah blah

i've had a headache all day

i also need to take my ginseng

i am still playing with my skincare
but
i think i will not end up with a bunch of steps
and
i think i will be doing this facial on all days off

i'm trying to decide if i have to abandon the snail cream
or if i can work it in somehow
if the little kernals of sebum it brings out
which i tend to pick at and get spots
if those are a sign of purifying the skin
or if they are irritation

the sleeping mask
[which was a delux sample, ie. small]
is the product i really like
it's only 15% mucin, but it has all kinda stem cells and baobab extract
it's slightly ointmenty texture and it seeps right in
it feels very hydrating
and i was using it last week as a first step after cleansing
not as a sleeping mask
and
i think i don't like toners
so i cleanse with this kick ass cleanser
i've been using it since beginning of january
it like eats your face and then soothes it with mucin
[which is what started the whole snail craze for me
only this isn't snail mucin
it's some kind of phyto-mucin]

then i put on a thin coat of snail sleeping mask
then the serum made by the same people as the cleanser
[isa knox x2d2 recovery 28 day turnover]
then ddf advanced firming cream
[which is super expensive {$130.}, but i bought from amazon for $35]
i've almost used that up, but i really like it

if i wear bb cream, or sometimes at night
i do the shea butter-tamanu mix
but if i don't wear any makeup i've been doing that combo
with eye cream samples from history of whoo
which are nice
but
not something i will be able to afford i think
and not amazing, anyway

at night i use the l'occitane oil
and then either the isa knox serum and ddf
or the shea butter-tamanu

i'm kinda obsessed
i want to find the perfect routine
the one that will make me age in reverse

i have another thing coming from missha
http://www.missha.ca/index.php?page=shop.product_details&flypage=flypage.tpl&product_id=588&category_id=13&option=com_virtuemart&Itemid=29
i get it free for their birthday
because i ordered $100. worth of stuff
which it doesn't seem like i'm really able to use
so fingers crossed with the night repair
[canadian site had the best description]

i really like the isa knox
and they have an "elastic" cream
that i am tempted to try when the ddf is done
the packaging is not all that appealing
http://www.amazon.com/Isa-Knox-Elastic-Power-Cream/dp/B005H4AW1Q

what is with the purple
and gold and fancy shapes
i know it shouldn't matter, but i would like them to look more
neutral, minimal, whatever
this is an appealing looking product to me:
http://www.evelom.com/on/demandware.store/Sites-evelomgb-Site/en_GB/Page-Show?cid=20120911_CleanserVideo

and
this is what i'm basing my facial upon
[i've never used eve lom]
except mine doesn't have mineral oil
and i use different essential oils
manuka, tansy, yarrow
but
why can't skin care look like this
beautiful, simple

i'm weird huh

what is he thinking:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=799179&Date=2%2F24%2F2013&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=571503&Date=2%2F24%2F2013&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

thinking, working, groking

date night

i'm having a little trouble

i picture us on a boat
first i thought a sailboat
but
i don't know how to sail
and, anyway
i don't want us to be busy with maintaining the environment

so then i thought ferry
but then
we are going somewhere
and i thought about the ferry from seattle to
what is it, bainbridge island
but
i don't want it to be going to dinner on the ferry
i want to be on the boat

so
then i thought:
well what does that leave
cruise ship, slightly yuck factor there

anyway
maybe it's a big boat
not as big as a cruise ship
and there aren't many other people around

fine

there is a band, somewhere nearby
playing softly
some vaguely

and

yeah the lanterns are good

keep the lanterns

lose the onlookers

and

dancing was what i was thinking

maybe not exactly like this

i pictured it

a little more

holding and swaying

maybe

maybe looking into your eyes a little

and then

the ship is out

away from the land

and the sky has been a little foggy

but then it clears, suddenly

or maybe we just look up just then

because the music has stopped

and it's natural to look

the stars are swirling and the sky is midnight blue

and then

like reflections from another world

the aurora borealis

glittering green

you take my hand

you know i love you, right

you ask my hand as i stare enraptured at the sky

it's nice to hear you say it though

i smile

and what would you like to do about that romeo

so this is the question i'm asking myself

am i giving you what you need
to be productive

do you need specific things
or just
ya know
love

do you need
specific kinds of attention

is it better for me to focus on you
the nest in the treetops
or
is it enough
to hear all my boring stuff

because i have tons of boring stuff
but
i figure
it's boring
and maybe will do in a pinch
so you know i'm still talking to you

but
i'm guessing
what really gets the creative juices going
needs to be a little more mentally stimulating
than the kick ass new facial i just invented

but
today
i'm sensing that you want something

or
maybe it's just projection

i want to go someplace

so i'm going to have to make up something

so
be looking for that later

good night sweetheart

did the thumb thing in my dream mean something bad:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=437454&Date=2%2F18%2F2013&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single


so, i guess no

is he in any way irritated with me:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=393404&Date=2%2F18%2F2013&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single


i guess that could really go either way, but
i'm going with no

upsetting dreams

got assignment to write about construction
it was giving me some trouble
and then
it seemed like every female character
got the top part of her thumbs cut off

what does this mean

i feel you so strongly right now

i dreamed i had facial piercings

i had one
on the bridge of my nose
that made me look
quite frankly
beautiful
younger
and sparkling

but then
i had an unfortunate additional piercing
they cut my cheeks
and put these little bone ornaments under the skin
which created these little pockets

this'll never heal up
i'll have these little pockets
on my cheeks
forever

the bone ornaments were kind of cool

i love you

red ginseng

is better than anti-depressants
it is not
good
or
normal
for me to be depressed
for that long
if I'm not thinking about sex
for months at a time
please urge endocrine tonics
i felt more normal after a tiny spoon
of red ginseng in my tea last night
than i have felt since fall

i ordered more maca last night

had you been near me
you would have been in danger of attack
last night

happy valentine's day, sweetness

bunny

this isn't so much a long complicated dream
although
i am prone to those
and there is an element of science fiction
but
i think the way it made me feel
was the most important thing
but
there may have been some message in there for me too

i was thinking today
how crazy it sounds
that you might send me dreams
that the dreaming is somehow a place
where we are able to communicate

i am probably crazy

and
probably
all this time you have thought
it was some kind of metaphor
but it wasn't
i really thought you could communicate with me that way

but
not lately
lately
i've been struggling
i feel like i'm a metaphor
like
can i give you what you need from me
and
what is that, afterall

and
i don't know
ya know

god won't talk to me at all
and
i've been a little afraid of going sane, ya know
i don't want to be sane
my life's not good enough for sane


so
anyway
this dream
there were babies
they weren't born yet
maybe they were being grown in some sort of brave new world-ness
but i don't think so
i think
i think they were just metaphorically interfaced
for the sake of the dreaming

they were in baskets
like large picnic baskets, sort of
not so different in shape from some of the carriers
people lug their bouncing bundles around

wrapped in white linen
like table linen in a restaurant
[maybe they were buns]

and we were discussing this one baby boy

he had been cooking a while, i guess
and he was big
my younger younger brother was three ounces shy of eleven pounds
this baby wasn't that big
but
he was
at least he seemed
done, so to speak, ready to come and play

they didn't know who he belonged to
they weren't sure what would happen to him

i went to the basket
i peeped in
i rocked the basket slightly
felt his weight shift
i smelled him
i crooned to him
and he reached out to me
with mental tendrils
like we could belong to each other

even though, i think
he might be someone else's child

i think, maybe
it could have been the puppyfish
but i'm not sure

but
i thought
you sent that dream to me
like
even though
it makes no sense
you don't want me to give up on
that dream

try to write it later

most amazing dream
baby boy
so
good

my skin

this is just to catch you up
i don't really expect you to find it enthralling
but
this is what i'm distracting myself with, lately

the korean skin care didn't really work out as planned

maybe
because missha is not a good enough brand
or maybe just because they use a lot of fragrance

fragrance bad m'kay

but
i was getting negative reactions
and
it was like my skin was saying:
ackkk   too may chemicals

so i started cutting back products
but then
i was at the whole foods
and there
calling out to me from the shelf
unrefined, handcrafted, raw shea butter
fair traded to boot, for $8.95
so i got, as well, a small bottle of tamanu oil

i've been hand blending those together
and slathering it on my face

i was a little afraid

shea is protective and moisturizing
tamanu can be drying because it is healing--
anti-acne, anti-bacterial, anti-viral
pro-regenerating new skin

shea sinks right in and dissapears
tamanu is thick and kinda gloopy, and green

and i've been putting bb cream over that
both so i look a little more normal
and
from an inspiration
i saw [when i was looking up makeup tutorials]
a documentary clip about how marilyn monroe transformed herself
with the help of a makeup artist
to go from pretty girl to icon

and
one of the things they did
was slather a thick coat of vasoline on her skin before makeup
which kind of glowed through
making her luminous

i was afraid that i might break out in horrible acne
but
i think my skin is getting better and better

i just worry that i'm not doing anything firming
because, i'm not worried about the wrinkles
i've not got more wrinkles than most of the women i know
who are in their early thirties

and
it's not like it's all slack either
but
it isn't tight and full like it should be

so today i am giving myself facial
i made an hibiscus steam
and then a hibiscus, honey and camu camu mask
[the idea behind this is vitamin c
which boosts collagen production]

i did the first mask with just those ingredients
and i mixed the left over with a clay mask i had
and i'm doing that now

fun fun fun

well
not really
but it's more like research

i don't mean

specifically sexually
except
when i do
mostly
i mean, maybe
maybe he only wants me small
or larger than life
maybe
maybe my quotidian charms lack sparkle
and for that matter
maybe he needs a keeper
and while i want to be a keeper
that isn't the kind
i mean

i worry

that you want me
but
you don't want me
in differing ways
depending
on what
i'm worrying about
maybe
you don't want me
the way i want to be wanted
do you
ever
worry about that

i love you

thinking about you

good morning sweetheart

i feel you this evening

i'm thinking about you

and how i love you, and stuff
i wish
i knew
something
a particular content
from your thoughts
not sexual stuff
just day to day stuff, really
but
in the future
like
our time travel
date

turns out i've got 1 more week

but
as of last week
11.2%
so
i didn't think i'd make it
but
it looks like i have
yea me

huh huh

good news and bad news on the skin care front

good news:
the overnight cream
as it turns out from researching the new zealand site
has not only ginseng, reishi, and medicinal herbs
it has honey and snow lotus

the snail cream is good
i think
but
i think i'd rather it smelled like slime
it's perfume-y
and i hate that
it's sticky
and i'm not mad about that
but it is soothing
and if it has a positive impact
it might be first string


and the bad news:
that eye cream
the one i have fallen in love with
it was at tjmaxx because shiseido discontinued it
it's been in their line forever
and they discontinued it

did you know
shiseido is the oldest still existing cosmetic company
1872 or something

but
it'll take me close to a year to use that one up
probably
so
whatever

my skin is looking pretty good

exciting snail mail

i got my missha order in the mail
finally
the snail creams seem very light
and very scented
i'm not sure how they are going to work
but
i tend to pick my skin care experientially

how does it smell
how does it feel
and
i don't think i'm gonna be giving up the l'occitane regenerating oil
even if it's not korean
in fact
i found a night eye cream
which has been highly rated
at the tjmaxx
and i think i'm in love with it
and it's shiseido [japanese]

probably it isn't any more important that they all be korean
than it was, when i was younger, that they all be the same brand

the sales women were always telling me:
it will be a sign that you're grown up when you can stick to one line
but, really
each line has wonder products that draw people in
but no one line is awesome at everything
and
if it's gonna make me react when i use other lines
it's full of too much junk then
i say: hah

but
while i was waiting for the snail cream to arrive
i bought a toner and emulsion which i love
truthfully, maybe i love the toner from sooryehan better
[they gave me a sample of the moisturizing ginseng stuff]
but this emulsion is like the l'occitane --  skin love

[although that is the only l'occitane product i feel that way about]

but this toner emulsion work together really well and smell so beautiful
red ginseng kinda herby and woody
they are firming

i got a 5 ginseng serum from the same place as the snail cream
and it smells ok, not awesome, but it's moisturizing
like for seriously dry skin
and i got a free gift with all this stuff
an herbal medicine line overnight cream
which is revitalizing, with ginseng and reishi
so i was excited
because, really

i would like to get all the things my skin responds well to
ideally in one product
[but no one seems to make that]

ginseng, reishi, seaweed, lotus, royal jelly, chlorella growth factor, dead sea minerals, immortelle, that's all i can think of right now

strangely
the things that should be good, just everyday things
olive and soy
my skin hates them
when i hit say 30
and started looking for skin care
they would always steer me towards the soy
but my skin, apparently, either has plenty of estrogen, or
can tell the difference
it will break me out with horrible painful bumps
olive just irritates, and will not absorb
it's like my skin rejects them

my tummy likes them fine though

so
now i have too many products, maybe
and i have to figure out what my routine is

the cho bo yang revitalizing serum with the gerum sul overnight cream
which i put across my nose and cheeks
feels really great

the snail cream
doesn't feel like much, kinda sticky
the toner and emulsion snail stuff is completely absorbed and dry
on my hand [lower slime %]
so those can layer in somewhere without incident

i think i went from low maintenance to high
but
i really am enjoying this stuff

this morning

about 9am
i thought i felt you
pulling at me, like
why, why is there nothing

i'm sorry
i haven't been writing
and i did say that i felt a story coming on
but
it isn't here yet

and
i don't know

i just
feel like

i lost something
and
i found something
and
i'm not sure what you think will happen
and
i'm not sure what i want to happen
and
i'm not sure what i can deal with

but
i can't be darling right now
i can't be a flower

on the other hand
i'm not bitter or angry or anything
i'm just confused about what's real
and
what i was always supposed to know was pretend
but didn't know
and
what was each of us, perhaps
painting ourselves into corners

and
i feel very young
and
i feel like everything is too late for me
and
i think you probably made your choice really
and
i don't know how i really fit in

and
i love you like crazy
but it is wicked boring to say this shit to you
this is not what you want


you can get the blah blah blah
i'm sure
elsewhere


i had this dream the other night
i was at someone's house, some girl
like a high school sleep over

and i went to take a bath
the bathroom had a long glass case
with some small collectible figurines [or something]
which i thought was kinda creepy

but i got in the tub
and i lay in the warm water
and i could feel it
and it felt really really good

i started to touch myself
and
it was
not quite a male thing
as i was pulling on it
thinking how good that felt
i was carefully examining the facts of it
and it was not a male thing
but
i was thinking it was too much like one
that you wouldn't like that at all

and then
it went away
and i was back to normal

only i wasn't too happy about that either
i would have liked to finish
see what happened

i want to know
what crazy things you think of

i think you miss me, a lot, and i think you think about me
i wish i knew what you think about
and what disturbs you


what does he really want from me right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=457775&Date=1%2F21%2F2013&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=248916&Date=1%2F21%2F2013&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=799735&Date=1%2F21%2F2013&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

so the new cold remedy soup will be korean soft tofu stew

i made it today
and
it was easy and good
i'm not sure i made it exactly

i went to the food court
attracted by the words soft tofu
thinking it would be all veg
and i got a veg one
but mostly they were meat

i really loved it
so i thought i'd try to reproduce it
i didn't get soft enough tofu though
but it was still delicious

it's toasted sesame oil [this is my recreation]
with garlic, onion and red pepper powder cooked in the hot oil, briefly
then i added some shrimp paste
and this awesome liquid veg broth to hot water
and stirred it in

one small carrot grated in
two handfuls snow peas
couple of cups of either shredded cabbage or bok choy
brick of tofu cut into cubes
[it's really supposed to be some special soft tofu
like clouds in the bowl
but my regular tofu poached in spicy broth was nice]
and
a package of enoki mushrooms

when i turned off the heat
i stirred in some white miso

super fast, super easy
and i was surprised that i didn't have to experiment more
to get the flavor i was looking for

love enoki, love them up, yum

i love you

i hope
you are ok
and you know that i love you

and all that good stuff

the girl in my dream was writing a book --

called

in repair
although i remembered it as in process
until i looked at what i had written down

i was listening in my sleep
to haruki murakami's
after dark
which i've had for a while, unheard

so, i went to work today, and it was all different

one of the supervisors interceded
for me, i think
on my helper's behalf
so she won't have to leave

my regional purse strings
who had said:
that $2000 you got there is all there is
[after i had restocked last week
and bought promo items]
apparently
didn't say that at all

what she meant to say was
she couldn't fund overages that were not for
ad items, basically

and though i'm not thrilled
that is different, very
because
the ads drive business

also
one of my coworkers made me cupcakes
which i wasn't there to eat
and
they did not save me one single cupcake

but, really
it was the thought that counted
but i will totally have to make her something now

the conjuring of trees

i dreamed that i was
needing to
i'm not sure exactly
prepare a town, maybe

there was a town
and
all the land surrounding it
was open farmland
and
it needed a woods

i'm not sure why
but
i thought, in the dream
for the enjoyment of the townsfolk
and so there would be some
beautiful gateway on approach

so

i had my daughter conjure trees

it occurs to me that i don't ever define terms

i just figure everybody knows
what a comp is
but
just in case

comp
[when i use it here]
means sales $ this year
compared to sales $ for last year, same period
which here
is the entire year

i haven't felt much like talking

i've been tired
exhausted, really
and
maybe depressed
although the extreme irritation
is passing since the holiday

but
i still feel out of sorts
like my life has veered
careened, really
and is hanging dangerously over the edge of something

i alternate
between imagining you
holding me
touching me
and
crying softly

to distract myself from that
i have become obsessed with my skin care
and
korean skin care specifically

i took off today
because i was up and down last night with leg cramps
and
my back has been spasming since saturday
and
just when i reach my ridiculous goal of 10% comp
[ridiculous because i'm the only one who cares
and i don't work on commission]
i have reached it, i only need to hold onto it for the next three weeks
till the start of the new fiscal year

and they decided to give me a budget, for the month
of less than what i sold last week
and they are letting my helper go

so
i decided
why am i killing myself

i spent the day researching snail creams

i love you
i don't know how much i'm gonna be writing
but
i have been feeling a story coming on
so
maybe soon
i have something for you that's worth reading

silver bells

lucky had become sad with the winter, cold though it was not.

maybe if it had been cold she would not.

it had snowed for her sixth birthday, real snow, not just a few flakes melting when they came to rest, rather a thick blanket of whiteness cold and pure and maleable.  lucky had of course had a cold.  there had been discussion:

she is too sick to play in the cold, she will get sicker.

but her father had a different perspective.  it won't kill her.  when will she get another chance to play in the snow? 

thinking back on it, lucky couldn't remember much.  she remembered the bread wrappers on her feet.  she remembered the feel of packing the snow.  she remembered the photograph of the snowman they built better than she remembered actually building it.  three distinct scoops for the body as a nod to traditionalism she guessed, along with a pipe and scarf.  had there been a hat?  she wasn't sure about the hat.  she sort of thought so, but she wasn't sure.  the thing that stuck in her mind from the small snapshot which only existed there now was the eyes.  they had made the eyes from light bulbs.

why had they done that?  it made a vaguely frightening snowman.

did she miss her father?  was that what was wrong with her?  she didn't think so.

she missed her life with jack.

jack with the beautiful eyes.

jack who she so wanted to understand.

why?  why was this man different from all other men?

and lucky heard the old christmas song on the radio.

out on the plain

i was on a large grassy plain
graising we're quantities of magical animals
i stood in an open spot
feet grounding me to the earth
i called silently
two beasts moved slowly to me
a lithe white horse
and a giant bird
it was like a duck in shape
but the size of a pony

thoughts

yesterday
it occurred to me:
hey, i was thinking in full on magic realism
i must be back to normal
but then
later in the day
i was really really not great
not maybe depressed
but
a little sad
and then, today
i was irritated
all day
i don't know

i asked god for a sign today
but i don't think i got one
unless a broken water main is a sign
but
i didn't have to pee for the remaining five hours of my shift
so
what does that mean

any of that
i don't think it means anything
it didn't seem like a sign

i hope you're good
happy, content, all that jazz
and i hope
i'm giving you
what you need from me

strange dreams

there was a coffee shop
completely remodeled
large open box
floor, wall, ceiling pale textured wood

there was a secret agent man
with a business cover
office park building

there was the place i work now
simple problems
actually fixed
in a way that made sense

there was someone
driving out to buy something
some land, maybe
in a cart attached to the side of a car

i don't know
what any of this means
and there was more i can't remember


i love you
i hope everything is beautiful where you are

imagine, if you want
my arms wrapped around you in an enormous hug
that never really ends
my heart energy opening
wrapping tendrils of light around your energy centers
you, i think, haven't learned to do this yet
so you just open
and
our membranes permeated
spiral together
up and up
until
we are
a rope
stretching
from here
to
the milky way

worries

i worry that i'll
get you into trouble
that my writings imply your actions
somehow
that you have a keeper
and it makes me

afraid
paranoid
angry at
me
you
the watcher

but
i need to believe
need you
so
if that causes trouble
for you

i'm sorry

i guess things got a little more energetic

i could feel you
touching me

and
i flipped around
in an arc of physical prowess
with a speed and agility which, i'm nearly certain
i do not posses

hover

then
slick
and

now now now

you've waited a long time
and this is not a drawn out picture

i want you darling

come
to
me

hi

i go to sleep tired, i wake up tired

and
what i wrote last night
not super coherent
largely escapist ramblings

i wish i was snuggled up to you
and we could sleep in
all day if we wanted to

i'm not picturing an energetic romp of a sleep in
more of a languid, restful nuzzling
and a whole bunch of actually sleeping together

i bet you're beautiful when you sleep

i don't have anything much to say, but i just gotta try to keep talking

i think you like to hear me ramble on
i'm not really sure why
why i think that
or
why you'd want to hear it
but whatever

i wish i had won the lottery
[it'd help if i played]

i'm thinking i'd buy a boat
i don't know why
it's not a longstanding desire
but
i guess the idea of living on a boat has appeal

but so does the road

maybe i'd just head out
if i had a million dollars

or maybe i'd do the homesteading thing
with the bees and goats and the chickens
but
where would that be
have to find the perfect spot for that

i would love to have my whole day be a meditation
i really think it's my natural state
and
having to wind myself up
to deal with the world of other people
that's what makes me stressed and unhappy

i could be wrong

i'm falling asleep
and i don't even know if this is coherent
but
i want you to have something to read
i want to be
there

i should probably go on and buy this deck, huh

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=239524&Date=12%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=431981&Date=12%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=913017&Date=12%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=926931&Date=12%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=959771&Date=12%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

updates

i know i've gained weight
at first i thought i hadn't
because it seemed to just be my waist
and i've built up some ab muscles too
so i figured it just added bulk
but, i think i can see it in my face a little
so i have

and
probably gonna gain a little more
over the next couple weeks
because
in the absence of anti-depressants
i am full on eating stollen and etc on the xmas pastry front

it's not just, anything
it's this hollydaze season in general
i just hate it

after the first of the year
i think i'm gonna do a juice fast
or master cleanse
or something

i stopped believing this year
for big chunks of time
and even when i did
i didn't 100%
so
i backslid a little here and there

not in the meat eating
or the cigarette smoking
i'm still clean there
where i really stopped focusing
was the high density nutrition
it takes work
and
money
and
caring about it

and
i just kinda didn't, so much

so
i wasn't awful
but
i wasn't perfect


on the plus side
the new skin care
did i tell you i got the advanced firming cream too
i don't think i did

i think
i look younger
like, maybe not thirty
but almost
plus
just recently
i've started using the l'occitane stuff
underneath
the firming cream
and
so so happy with the results

thinking about cutting my hair again
it's been, what
over a year, anyway

you don't have any preference for my hair length
i can't imagine that you do
anyway
i won't do that until i've got more time

thoughts toward the end of the year

last year
love you though i might
i could not reach, what was it 200 posts
this year
with everything
easily, over 300 posts
with a fair number additional that i didn't post
for one reason and another

i think, though
that there wasn't any baby
and i'm not sure why i created that
or how
and, of course
that makes me question
if, didn't i just, make it all up

but i didn't
even if i did, see

and i love you
even though i don't understand

have wonderment and joy on your special day
and don't think about me, at all
that's only right

not like i won't talk at you before then
but i'm not gonna say it again

it is what it is

just thinking

sometimes
i catch a little glimpse of something
and it makes my heart catch just a little
maybe
well, not maybe, no
definitely
i had this thought, long ago:

i want him to feel that way about me
no, even before that
before there was any you, really
that is what i want
that emotion
directed at me

and then when i looked into your eyes, i guess
then it had to be you

but
part of what i love about you
besides the fact that you have beautiful eyes
are generally a god damn beautiful pain in the ass
are smart and funny and blah blah blah

you are a sentimental creature
a hopeless romantic, maybe
but maybe not so it's obvious
maybe we are alike in that way

and
maybe everyone else in the world is too
i don't know, who can say
but you are, in a way i get

it's hard not to be romantic about it
because
it's the little things
you have no reason to think i'd ever know about
that
in the end
are what is making me want you the most, right now

ya big lug

i'm not sure what we should do tonight

i've given it a lot of thought
what would he like to read now
what would be the best
or most logical
or whatever
and
i can't decide

my head hurts
and it's happy happy blood time
and, really
i want to curl up on the couch and drink beer

which is actually what i've been doing
and
what i really want to do
that if i had a cheering section i might work up the motivation for
i want to hang my shelves

i've had these shelves, forever
they are antique, i think
and they are from afghanistan or environs

and
i have never hung them
because the guy i bought them from put some handmade
wrought iron hanging hardware on
and every time i go to hang them
i convince myself that i'll tear up the sheet rock
and, i rent, ya know, so i put em back down

anyway
i finally decided

1. where i want them
2. to take off the hardware and use brackets
3. that i needed a cordless drill

now

you gotta understand

i have always wanted a cordless drill

but i do not need one

i now own a ridgid 12v cordless drill

no

not a makita 18v

which is top of the line, more powerful, and was, afterall

the same price (sort of)

but this one is better for the things i might actually do

it doesn't have the large boxy battery on the bottom

so it should get into tight spots better

but

it was all i could do to walk away from more power

and i didn't even stop to think at the time

how funny that kinda was

the sales guy thought i was buying a gift for my husband

but when i straightened him out

he actually asked me if i saw what a pretty color the makita was

really?!

http://www.homedepot.com/Tools-Hardware-Power-Tools-Drills/RIDGID/h_d1/N-5yc1vZc27fZ18g/R-203371443/h_d2/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10053&langId=-1&storeId=10051#BVRRWidgetID

in flagrante delicto

we meet out front
the courtyard fresh and lively
with young people out for the evening

how have you been, i ask
well, you answer
like we were civilized people

but the whole evening is alive
the air humming
and we
we shall eat

i brought you here
because i liked it so much
when i imagined eating with you here before

small plates
many
shall we get
with wine
and we shall see how much we can eat

because tonight is not so much about the fantasy
tonight is about the earthiness
the comfort
the camaraderie
perhaps we shall even talk, a bit

how do you feel, i ask with a soul searching look
how do you feel about roasted garlic spread onto thick warm bread
what is your position on the merits of mac and cheese
waitress, please
bring us plates of olives, salty and divine

beloved
i must know
my heart is fairly bursting
how flagrant, how indiscriminate
is your love of cheese

enter the dragon

tonight
tonight we meet in front
of my childhood fantasy chinese restaurant

everything is red and gold
the nearby shops are black and white deco

i feel better today
i had a good day off
and i feel a childlike excitement to show you
[because i have been celebrating chanukah mostly
with vegetarian eggrolls and sweet and sour shrimp]
this lotus bijou

we walk through the doors into a small entry
glass counter filled with shining almonds atop cookies
the case is lit
the backdrop dark
and then we are led through to the magic
the walkway constricted by babbling waters
running with koi
[goldfish, more likely but the mind edits]
the effect
is like walking across one of those layering bridges
i imagine the breeze
the swirling leaves

to the right
a small cinn-a-bar room
mai tai
singapore sling
other exotic elixirs i am now old enough to consume

i spin myself into a silken qipao
i lick my red lips and click my talons

i am inscrutable

i spin again
and clap my hands together and laugh

look, i say
and i point to the dragon
enormous
gilded
circling around itself

you smile, now
i have charmed you
you
take my hand
spin me in
look me in the eyes

you
are not inscrutable, but
you say nothing

and
we are led to our table

8 case stack

not last night
night before
i dreamed of two case stacks
four each
which is usual
but it came to eight

that seemed significant
but
i didn't write it yesterday

just a little night music

it is with a little shyness that i let you in
into the fantasy italian restaurant of my childhood
it's every nook and cranny, possibly re imagined
and shining in the glittering night
the place of tonight's meeting
maybe it's our first date
or maybe we've had that long ago
but
i haven't felt right
i haven't wanted to
and
i'm not saying it's your fault or anything
i'm just telling it like it is
so now
as i'm seeing you
i'm a little afraid
afraid that i'll be mean to you
shut you out
i feel a little frosted up
like i should have kept having sex
like maybe i couldn't anymore if i tried
and i don't really understand why
what has caused me to change like this
and
i'm crying as i type this

this is way too fucking real

nobody wants to hear this stuff

so
enter my psyche at your own risk, i guess


maybe i'll ease into it a bit
by describing the restaurant

the ceiling is a beautiful midnight blue
with twinkle lights
simulating the night sky
so pretty in a simple american way
the walls are painted with murals, i think
but it's like i can't see them
because the place is full of booths
and between them, for privacy, there are trellises
wound through with grape vine and clusters of grapes

we are seated in one of these booths
and it becomes a slightly shadowed romantic spot
wicker chianti bottle candle on the table
the booth becomes leather like the back seat
of some enormous american car
hunter s. thompson is driving across the desert to las vegas

you seem to shimmer slightly
and i'm not sure if you're really there
the booth is now rounded
so i push around towards you
grabbing your knee slightly hysterically
real enough
ok
and i don't know if it's something wrong with me or what
but i immediately
even though i'm frightened and not relaxed enough to be turned on
i want to run my hand up your leg
i want to see what you will do
i want to feel you already

but that's wrong

you are probably a little freaked out
why am i so weird and distant
and
inappropriate behavior is not gonna yield good results

i feel like a little child
i want to fling myself at your chest and cry
but i don't remember being that out of control as a child
i'm gonna have to pull this together
what the hell is wrong with me

i miss you, i say, but i'm feeling a little like a tornado
i might be unpleasant
you look momentarily uncomfortable
and then you lean in and wiggle noses with me

eskimo kisses for the win

i sigh out a big big cloud of tension
and put my head down on the table for a minute
the table cloth is smooth and cool and right now
the table cloth is my friend

the waiter comes over
you order us a big god damn bottle of wine, just like that
we need a big god damn bottle of wine
and maybe you order us an appetizer
fried calamari or bread with an olive tapenade, whatever
i don't really care about the appetizer
i agree we need a god damn huge bottle of wine

even though this is an italian restaurant
let's make this first glass, at least, carrefour 2007 cabernet franc
because i just had that yesterday
and i loved it
would like to share it with you

so i'm drinking on an empty stomach
and it affects me quite quickly

i love you, i say
but maybe it sounds a little like an accusation
crap, i'm such a fucking girl
you open your mouth
i put my finger on your lips

look, don't say anything ok
if you are gonna tell me you love me too
this is probably not the moment to do that
and if you're gonna say something else
i might punch you in the face

you blink at me
god damn your beautiful eyes
i swoon a little internally
and
i drink another glass of wine

i feel like
at least half of what i think is going on is not, really
i feel like i can't get past
not being the one
even if i am, somehow, afterall

but looking back through my writing
the trouble started in october
or november
so
i'm not even sure it has anything to do with you

it might just be the season of death
and
the having to see my mother, like every week

probably you love me
however much you have loved me
which i had thought was increasing
thought had reached a peak
before the thing i still don't understand
and then
it seemed
maybe
to edge up slightly even from there

what i'm saying is
i believe that you love me
but now i'm not feeling it
and
i don't think that's your fault
i'm not saying you should be doing something

i'm saying
i feel like i'm dying inside
and i feel kind of helpless

and here
here is a problem
because i don't know what to have you say

i mean
what could you say to that

damn

this isn't going how i hoped
i really hoped i'd figure out
something you could say
that would make it all better

i really wanted us to end up
having sex in that black and gold bathroom

that's the ending i wanted to write

well
maybe not the ending
in the end i think, maybe
we drive home and kiss in the rain
but
i wanted to write an illicit sex scene in that bathroom

very strange dreams

with
plague islands
and espionage
and
whatnot

are you ok
because it was like that was all some kind of message

but i can't remember most of it

i was trying to get to rescue a girl
who looked very like a twenties drew baremore
and i looked like stana kativ

weird

signs and signals

my dreams have been jam packed
but i can't remember them
i don't think they're deep
just busy

i ran some errands today
and then
i went for a drive

the clouds were towering cumulus
and the sky was very very blue

there weren't any birds
just clouds and blue
and i asked god for a sign

if, i asked, if we're going to be together
show me two birds flying together
if, on the other hand, we aren't
and i should just live my life
learn to not expect him to someday
be by my side
show me one bird flying alone

and i drove on a while
birdless
then suddenly a bird

wait, really god, that's what you're telling me
one bird
one lonely bird
and, suddenly, there was a second bird

the second bird had been on a telephone wire
it was a smaller bird, and i hadn't noticed it
they flew, briefly, tangentially
and then the second, smaller bird landed back on the telephone wire

did that count
they were flying together, technically

maybe
maybe god just doesn't want me to stop believing
but he's not promising anything

just boring everyday stuff

i went to tjmaxx
i looked around
i always look for bras
because i rarely find them
but when i do they are really good

i picked up this bra
and i'm all like this is a great bra
it was just simple and brown
but i have this like quality radar
and this was a good bra

now remember
the last bra i bought was a 40dd
and this bra, this one here, it is a 42b
but it looked like it might fit

so i tried it on
and it fit beautifully
so good, in fact
that i put my shirt back on over it to see
how it looked with my clothes on

so obviously i'm buying it
at that point i look at the price, $25.
i've never seen a bra that expensive at tjmaxx
although, of course, that's pretty cheap in the real world
and the tag said: compare at $50.
but i looked at the brand and it was la perla

i was thinking la perla is an expensive, expensive brand
so when i got home i looked it up online
the cheapest la perla bra $115.

so
i have a really great new bra, cheap
it's basically this one:
http://www.laperla.com/en-us/lingerie/bras/cfilpd905168?e=ad462a63-ef7a-4d76-9fe1-869efc01ac03&f-size=&f-style=&f-variant=&s=relevance

but
secretly i wish it was like this:
http://www.laperla.com/en-us/?ecid=semus1396&gclid=CNSX_Y3V-rMCFcsWMgodMBgAIA

and that i could pull off that look


do you really miss this?