the seduction of a fireplace and a heated floor

today
i saw a fireplace
well, it wasn't really a fire
it was really all l.e.d. lights, and it wasn't very satisfying
not in itself
but
it made me remember something

i once stayed in this little sort of attached cabin motel room
and it had been kinda spa-ified
it had a fire
which was a gas fire, but with stones
so it had a very satisfying look
but the bathroom was the best
it had heated floor stones
and the floor and shower and counter
were all beautiful stone

it was
amazing, actually
and it felt good
and it was the second place that i really thought:
this is a setting i'd really like to, you know
and
at various times
i have imagined us having a honeymoon there
although, since then, i've thought up some other places

but
i thought of that again today
and i wanted to tell you about it

and
i've wanted to tell you other things
that i couldn't find a way to say without sounding whiny
and i don't mean them whiny
so i didn't say them
but now
i have a context
a location

this april marks the fifth anniversary of my
quitting smoking
and quitting sex
and
i have been thinking about it
not the smoking, i don't think i could do that anymore
it makes me kinda nauseated when i smell it
but
i miss the sex
and
if i had realized that it would be five years
i don't think i would have stopped

and
i'm not sure it's something i'd find easy to pick right up again
is it like riding a bicycle
or
what

and
i thought that, for sure, we'd eventually get together, ya know
but, if you want to know the contents of my head
i'm not thinking it's really likely, anymore
and
i had a long talk with myself in the shower today
about all the things that might have led you to do that thing
and how none of them are probably gonna change
how you really are owned
by somebody else

and
i mean
none of this is new
and
i'm pretty sure i've told you all that stuff before

but then tonight i was out at dinner
and i saw that fireplace
and it made me think

of us
in that cabin
our first time
and it wouldn't be just like it was our first time
in an awkward and tender way
it would be my first time

and what would we do
what do i even like anymore

the thing i always liked
craved, really
was the energy
to feel the waves of energy travel
through my lovers body
to pass them back and forth
fully permeated
but then
i cannot lie
i like the friction too
it just isn't the first or the best thing

and
that being the case
i'm not getting better at sex by going it alone
and i'm not really going it, much
probably once or twice a month i make an attempt
just to satisfy the bodily need
when it becomes too strong
and it isn't really very satisfying

and
i think it's changed me

do i seem changed
i worry, sometimes