i asked for help with my story in my dreams, i don't think i got it, but i got this weirdness

you and i were together
not exactly together together
more like having a vacation together
but it wasn't really a vacation because
you had some really big and exciting work
some project you were working on
there were flip-charts at strategic locations
around the room
or maybe suite is a better way to put it
but it is entirely possible
that it was on a boat

and
i wondered about that
because i have always been sorry
that i couldn't meet you on that cruise
around the statue of liberty
but i couldn't get away

also
i think it unlikely that you actually
use a lot of flip charts in your work
unless maybe you are giving a presentation
i mean, do you do your idea work on flip charts
but this was a really strange and different kind of project
so maybe it was necessary to keep
the different sections separate
and yet
still
instantly visible
for cross reference

the bed
was out on a deck
it didn't seem to be visible to anyone else
but it was definitely out in the air
and the stars would be visible at night

sadly
in the dream i never got to actually
sleep with you
i guess that wasn't information my subconscious mind thought i needed help with
but i did have some closer contact
and this is maybe one of my new favorite things
it was like hugging
but with kind of a torquing action
so it became

ok
i could say intimate
that that's kind of obvious and doesn't covey anything
and i could say sexual but that isn't quite right either
it was less about sex and more about comfort
it was about physical need
and emotional need
and being physically together, finally
but in the [god forgive me i'm gonna say head space]
where we were not making love
we were doing things together
getting things accomplished
and not being distracted from that
not wanted to be distracted from that at that moment
but still wanting some form of intense closeness
does that make any sense

also
and this is maybe the weirdest part
the part i'm not sure how to interpret
[actually there are a couple of add on sections to the dream that are really weirder but i haven't decided at this point if i'm even mentioning them]

you had a daughter who was a tween
and she was with us, visiting

and i started off with the kind of thing
that anyone who comes from a fucked up broken home
slash blended family whatever would know
was the right foot to start out on:

i know you might have reasons not to like me
to resent me and my presence here
of course i want you to like me
and i want to like you
but i'm not gonna be so insensitive to your situation
to expect you to give me the benefit of the doubt
just feel how you feel
and we'll see where it goes

she had this bottle
it looked like a small coke bottle
smaller than the smallest actual coke
like maybe three or four inches high
it had liquid in it
but it wasn't coke
so it just had a light green kind of luminous quality
with these lightning-like shapes coming down from the top
it was a fascinating little bottle
and i'd be all tempted to interpret it as a symbol
except that she could zap herself into it
like
i don't know, a genie or something
and she had her own satellite radio inside
it was like having a room that no one could walk in on you
only, apparently, you didn't know about it

so at first you thought that i
had somehow magic-ed her into a bottle
or taught her how to do it
or encouraged her in some way
and i'm all like:
no it freaked me out just as much as it did you
i have no magic shutting-people-up-in-bottles skills

and i'm not sure if she could get out on her own
or if you had to call her out or what
maybe it was a test for you
anyway
i wasn't sure if it was good or bad
but i didn't think she was in danger either way

i just kinda kept looking longingly at the bed


ok
since i mentioned them
i'll try to describe the other sections

in one
i was staying in a different part of the hotel
or whatever
i was trying to get work with this woman
because i needed something to do while you were working
and i'm not sure what it was i was going to be doing
but i had a room i was going to be working in
and i was concerned about her getting a key
i went into the bathroom
because i really really had to pee
probably because i really did have to pee
but when i went into the bathroom
the toilet and the tub were both filled
with large river rocks

in another one
i was working with someone
i'm not sure exactly
some sort of event planning maybe
and someone walked up wanting to buy flowers
and we didn't sell flowers
but we were working with a big bunch of flowers
because we were making arrangements for something
and i made some comment about the person asking for flowers
being all confused about us having a whole lot of flowers
and yet not having any for sale
and my friend told me
that i was something
i just can't remember the word she used
and i said:
when i think of that i think of spoiled little rich girls
and i've definitely not been a spoiled little rich girl
and she said:
really
i don't think of spoiled little rich girls at all
but it had not been a good thing she had called me
i feel confident
and i don't know if my subconscious mind
is trying to say i'm bad in some way or what
maybe i'm saying i'm selfish or something
what would spoiled little rich girls be
unaware of the importance of anyone else
disdainful
snobbish
i've got my disdainful and snobbish moments
you've seen them i'm sure
but i don't think they are overwhelming personality traits
so i only see one place i could be going with that


the third
i know i said it was a couple
but i thought of some more i had forgotten
i was at the hospital
i think my father was there but i'm not sure
and i went to the bathroom
and it was just this one big room
no stalls
and the way it worked was
you couldn't sit anywhere
you just had to hover
of this trough-like thing
and i am not very good at hovering
i know there are some girls who never do anything else
but i'm not one of those
so i ended up getting pee on myself
and there was more
but i don't remember it


then there was a fourth part

you were being cute
and you really were really very cute
where you were kissing me
like we were an old married couple
so it was this sort of
dramatically puckered smack
but there was this whole
facial expression
and stuff
that went with it
and it was just funny
but at the same time
it was sweet, ya know
not like mocking funny
not like sarcastic commentary funny
i'm not sure how to explain it


anyway
weird, huh

oh yeah, i almost forgot

i'm also
going to make a concentrated effort
to sauna every day

i read about a detox protocol
that they used for gulf war veterans
to detox heavy metals

and i'm not doing that
not yet

but it's high doses of niacin
and then intense infra-red heat

this sauna i have access to
it is not an infra-red sauna
i wish it was
i used to go to a shape fitness that had one of those
[one of those circuit 30 min places]
it had a tanning bed too
i could only do 10 minutes in the tanning bed
and it probably wasn't good for my skin
but it had a mood elevating effect

anyway
before i do a hardcore heavy metals detox
i want to study it a little more
because
the niacin and the infra-red caused the release
but i'm not clear on what
binds with the heavy metal to remove it

and
that's kinda important

it's detox time again

and this time i'm doing things a little bit differently

like, i.e. not the master cleanse

but more than just the wheatgrass & chlorella
thing that i've done for several days, several times

i gave it a lot of thought
and i decided
i don't want to be throwing up a lot
so not too much cayenne
although maybe some cayenne
and i want more nutrients
than just lemon juice will provide

and
i want to target skin tightening
scar tissue break down
and decreasing tissue rigidity in general

as well as
detoxifying

and what i have decided will be the centerpiece
for this detox is:
msm

which i have taken off and on
mostly off for a while now

but
of course i don't want to just take msm
and i don't want to 100% let go of the master cleanse model
so
it goes sorta like this:
msm instead of cayenne
royal jelly instead of maple syrup
but
i'm also using those emergen-c packets
[both the heart health & the immune formulas]
probably 2 - 4 packets
which gets in some vitamin a & d & zinc & plant sterols
and the msm doesn't taste so vile mixed w/emergen-c

and i'm still gonna take the superfood powder mix i like
and the wheatgrass and chlorella
[not just for greens and nutrients but fiber too]

but i'm also adding an herbal tincture
[basically essiac formula]
and noni juice
i'm not sure why noni juice
i remembered having good results with it before
and i had a friend who took it while she was on chemo
and swore it helped her
but now i can't seem to find anything anywhere
that tells me what it's supposed to do

my recollection
it's a tonic adaptogen

the essiac
is an herbal remedy
that's supposed to cure cancer
but it doesn't cure cancer
what it does is to help detoxify
the blood, liver, kidneys, lymphatic system
and sooth and tone the mucus membranes

i may eat some salads or green juice
if i get really really hungry
but it is not my intention

my plan was to do 10 days
but i may end up going a little longer
if i have to build up to larger doses or whatever
i plan to use it all up
so if that goes longer than 10 days
that's ok

it will be much more royal jelly than ever before
but i think that's ok

so this is a detox
but it's kind of a health building venture as well
and i'm not sure i should combine those
so i'll have to react to what my body tells me

i think i'm starting sunday
but
i'm easing into it already
i haven't had any solid food yet today
but i'm about to eat something
not exactly sure what

i love you and i really need to write you something special

instead of just going on and on
about
whatever happens to be running through
my head

let me give it some thought

what would you like to read

i've got a bunch of stuff
but none of it has worked itself into
anything
i do better when i have something
i'm trying to say
and
i've just been saying it
so i got no focus for all these wonderful little things
i'd sort of like to use somewhere

i'm just not sure
what would you like to read, really
not just something pretty
and not something all angsty
family saga
yuck
something
a story should tell you something about
life or truth or human nature or something
maybe
or
i don't know

why am i even mentioning this
now i totally have to write something
and i don't know what i'm doing
and that is why i'm writing this
cause otherwise
i totally won't

alright
i reserve the right
to write you a really good poem
but
i'm gonna try to write you a short story

stuff

i'm afraid i'm gonna have several posts today, and they might not any of them be interesting but, you decide

ok
this has been bothering me for
several days and i guess i'll just talk about it

i was talking to this guy i know
and he was saying something about being fat
and i never would have described him as fat
so i was all like:
do you really think you're fat

he's like i'm guessin about six feet tall
and he's like:
i'm blah blah pounds
so yes

now
i have to say
i am fifteen pounds heavier than that
and i am no where near six feet tall
and
blah blah i got heavy bones
and i know i'm fat, still
but it bugs me a little anyway
not a lot, just a little

but
what he says next
that really bothered me

i say something about knowing what he's talking about
or blah blah polite me-too-type agreement
covering my mild irritation
and he says:

but it's different for you as a woman

[wait for it]

it's not as bad to be a little meatier for a woman

now say what???!!

oh surely you've noticed that
blah blah blah
and then he's talking about how he likes large women

and i've got all these thoughts
which i will now share with you
because you might want to know the stuff that runs through my head

ok
first
i'm running back all the compliments he's ever paid me
thinking they were legitimate
and i'm wondering if they were, really
cause i wasn't meaning to be flirting with him
and i didn't think he was flirting with me
but now, i'm not sure

second
[and i should mention all this is probably
really simultaneous not chronological]
a sarcastic commentary:
oh yeah, i totally noticed how men were flinging aside
the cute size twos to stand in line to get at me

third
no no no
i know exactly where the line is
because whenever i went under it
i started getting attention i couldn't handle
and i had to go gain thirty pounds in a month
the line is under size 14

fourth
but you want him to find you attractive
[meaning you]
so
you can't have it both ways, can you
either he's attracted to you or he's not
you were with somebody for years and years who was not
and it really really bothered you
so if it's bad to be attracted to you
then where are you leaving him
either the zaftig is good
or he's attracted to you in spite of it
which may be what you want
but it's a slippery slope


and there are certain women who
i think
you think
i compare favorably next to
[i can't say, but i think you know who i mean]
and we are the same type, generally
but she is younger
and in better shape
and
actually
smaller

so where i started out
just vaguely grossed out that i might have
mistaken attraction bias as
actual regard for my skills or attributes
i finished up
feeling like i have put you in a very difficult situation
and i don't mean to

i reason with myself
it is far different to be attracted to someone
than to be attracted to their body
and that, for most people
there are parts that they find more and less appealing
on any particular body

but i find
my thoughts on the subject
are much more confusing than i thought

i mean
how is it even vaguely logical
to want every other male in the world
to see me as totally not a possible sexual object
and any form of flirting has to be obvious
and just as obviously recreationally leading nowhere
but still
that i look good to you
you are supposed
[with almost no additional effort on my part
because all that make-up is phony and gross]
to think i am
beautiful
and
sexually stimulating
and
the mother of your children
[rather, potentially, i guess
but, no
i want you to see that when you look at me]

i mean
that's kinda asking for a lot, huh

so then i start thinking that i should have done more
to lose more weight
to work my problem areas
to be the best looking body i can manage
not that i'm unhappy with my progress
just that i can see
how i judge myself lacking

so yeah
way better to be a girl


something i may not have told you
as i'm thinking about what i find attractive
in people i've been with before
i like scars
i like em a lot
and that is not the kind of thing you be all
freakin out about
oh my god
i don't have any good scars
so that brings things back in perspective a little
people are idiosyncratic
you can't really know what they'll be attracted to

new stuffed bell pepper recipe

when you first go vegetarian
it totally screws up a bunch of
really easy recipes
take stuffed bell peppers, for example
rice + ground beef + bell pepper
and you barely even need any spices

well
today i was trying to decide if i needed to go to the grocery
and i decided no, not if i'm creative
so i'm stuffing some bell peppers

i made a broth to use for the liquid
and i cooked some yellow split peas
[which i've never made before]
and which i bought to make a sort of protein rich polenta
and or protein rich corn bread
neither of which i have felt like eating

i submersion blended the peas
mixed em with bulgar wheat
and some queso left over from nachos yesterday

they aren't done yet
but the filling tasted way better than the beans and rice stuff
i've come up with before

and yellow peas are comparable with beans
bulgar isn't as nutrient dense as brown rice
but it gives a better texture
and the queso is basically junk food
but it added flavor better than sliced cheese
and i didn't use a ton of it

in the broth
i used some of those chiles
kombu [de rigueur]
celery
garlic powder, white pepper
cumin, curry powder
red wine

it came out quite spicy

i've got four bell peppers baking
so i'm hoping to get two meals out of it
two bell peppers is a pretty good sized meal
with a cucumber, tomato, and avocado salad on the side
or cauliflower
those are my two
not going to the store options

i feel kinda silly posting this
but
i felt a little self conscious about my last post
and all the weird food i eat
and i felt like this
was slightly redemptive

i'm sure i told you about my chili escapades
and i haven't really had the guts yet to tackle meatloaf
i was particularly proud of my meatloaf
especially after i pioneered my meat blend
1/3 hamburger + 1/3 dark meat turkey + 1/3 mushrooms
it sounds funny
but it was great
much lower calorie and fat
moister
better texture

but what can i use now
tempeh + mushrooms + ?
i haven't even known where to start
without using fake meat or textured vegetable protein
and i really don't want to go down that path
but the yellow split peas might be a start

turn it and turn it

last night the dreams were
deep and strong
complex
and
i can't remember them

i don't know
maybe
you don't like the food talk

i was wondering today
if the stuff i cook even sounds good to you
i mean
it's got a lot of weird ingredients
the macrobiotic staples have never left
even though i'm not macro
and there's a lot of raw
even though i'm not raw

sometimes
i have these fantasies
that i'm making thing special for you
catering to your health needs
and you love them
and feel really loved

then sometimes i think:
yeah whatever he's just humoring you and then running out for cheese burgers

maybe you spend all your time out
and expect that i'd have a bunch of friends

and i'm all fantasizing about making up
big batches of slaw and borscht and dehydrator cookies
so you'd have things to eat if you got hungry at random times

where is that stuff coming from
maybe
you think the stuff i make sounds yucky
and it's weird
because
although i never wanted to be domestic
some of the stuff i think i want
sounds dangerously domestic

i guess i've put a lot of energy into my food
so it makes sense

if i start dreaming about washing your underwear
and picking up after you
then
i will really really worry about myself

oh yeah, i forgot

this is important

when i cook the fish
i put it in a covered dish
in the oven at 350
i pour some olive oil in the bottom of the dish
rub the fish in the oil
[both sides]
set it skin side down to cook
put a pretty fair dose
of key lime juice over it
cover and cook

today
i was trying to juggle all the other stuff
so i realized
hey
that fish is gonna get over cooked
so i turned the oven off
i'm not sure when
but that played into the outcome
and i will do it that way from now on
and the juice
is a lovely salad dressing
i frequently just toss the fish and sauce
with greens
and call that a meal

so that
is really the fourth trick
just as important as any of the others
because i drizzled it liberally over the tacos

more food talk

i think i finally have a fish taco recipe
i am a late-comer to the world of the fish taco

they are kind of new here
[like twenty years old]
and i though of them as
"california cuisine"
not mexican food

but i had some
in california
at a restaurant bar on the beach
they were like happy hour food two dollars each
ate them while i watched the laker game
and
at first
i thought:
what's with the freakin slaw
it's supposed to be iceberg lettuce and tomato
but
by the time i ate the third one
i was sold

so i've tried to come up with my version
and they've never been that good
but tonight
i think i finally got it
they are not spicy though

naturally they have fish and slaw and avocado, but

the trick is like three things:

cod instead of salmon
[i default to salmon or tuna, normally
but i'm branching out to cod, halibut, barramundi]

no louisiana hot sauce
in the slaw
i always add this
but today
today i couldn't find it so i didn't
and i was reworking the slaw anyway
i can't believe they have no heat
but they are way better

fusion
i added some grilled onion and bell pepper
[in a nod to the fajita taco]

i have put some effort into my slaw recipe, seriously
but this one is the best so far

cabbage eviscerated into tiny little shreds
onion tiny shreds
jicama tiny shreds
toasted sesame seed oil
brown rice vinegar
umeboshi vinegar
black sesame seeds
white pepper
spike seasoning

eight - thirty

at eight-thirty i feel you
i lay in bed alone
covers pulled up to my breast bone
my head is vaguely pounding
and i shift my neck on the pillow
to try to stretch it out or pop it or something
i can't remember my dreams
though i am barely awake
and then
you're there

i feel you first
as an energetic wave
tumbling over me
then pulling me in it's undertow
contracting inward
and then rolling outward

i check
and find
dampness
were you with me in dreams
or
is it just the spill from this last wave

i think about you

thinking about me


eight-thirty

the last few evenings
i've felt you too
a couple days ago
with the force of plate tectonics
till i went off to the bath

tonight
it was later
and but brief

i wonder if it's all in my head
F4

in the beginning
i used to be sure it was you
but now
i think that then it was just the drugs

i kind of miss the drugs
but
mostly
i don't really think about it

but if you only knew the things you did to me
when first i thought you wanted me
in the big chair outside
underneath the stars

and i soared above you
you were in your mother's yard maybe
not sure, but somewhere like that, with others there
and you freaked and said:
not here
i can't do this now
and
that was when i started
calling from a safe distance

but it's been so different
the last couple years

i can rarely see inside your head
never project to you
and maybe
it is the lack of drugs
or maybe
i'm afraid to intrude
or i don't know

maybe i'm just letting you
come to me instead
and you do

mostly in electrical spasms


and i'm thinking about the way
when i'm near you
we don't occupy separate space
i don't feel attraction or repulsion from you
the way i normally would from another
which is why i'm never sure
with you
because
i just feel us
as the same energy
same frequency
but
never
that sort of invasive tension

and i think it must be like that for you too
because i'm never pushing into your space either
i'm so controlled and yet so permeable with you
it sounds bizarre
but it feels
somewhat
like
home

and i wonder if the lovemaking will
lack the awkwardness that everything else with you has lacked

but
as i sit here drinking my shiraz
i just want to be
close to you

my cooking exploits may only be exciting to me

okay
so remember how i went to the farmer's market
i got that big bag of dried chiles
i never did say what i got them for
and
sure
i'm gonna use them for a bunch of stuff
but
i specifically got them for borscht
i was using the chili flakes
like the kind one uses on pizza
but i thought i'd try
extended simmering
of large dried peppers
to flavor the water
before
starting the soup proper

so i did that
with kombu
[cause i don't make soup without kombu anymore]
for about an hour and a half
four large chiles
and a 4x4 sheet of kombu
with some garlic powder and white pepper

and it was pretty tasty just like that, actually

i added more water
three enormous beets, diced
some more galic and white pepper
the left over juice from preserved lemons
and some nellie & joe's famous key west lime juice
[my go to "lemon juice"]

and it was too full to add the onions

so i let it cook down for another thirty minutes

i took the chiles out
because i down want them dropping all their seed
i just wanted them for flavor
and two hours is plenty of flavor

i added one big sweet yellow onion
some lemon/orange pepper
and some shiraz

it's been cooking a while now
it tastes sweeter than is maybe optimal for me
but i don't add sugar or anything
i've never used key lime juice before
normally i use lemon juice
and apple cider vinegar
and i have trouble getting it tart enough
no problem this time
perfect on the tartness scale

i'm gonna let the onions cook down
then i'll strain it
maybe eat the beets for dinner
and chill the soup
i have some pickled beets that i can add
if i want chunks later

but mostly
i don't add dairy
i don't add chunks
i just
chill
and drink

i was trying to think what i think about marriage

you see
i want to marry you
have wanted to since forever

but
i'm not really sure
what i mean when i say that

i've always been uncomfortable
with the whole patriarchal framework
and i disagree on principle
with involving the government

so
just on that basis
i should not want to get married

but
it isn't just that

the whole planning, expense, and psychosis
that i find vaguely nauseating
i don't have a bunch of friends
and i don't want my family there
[that sounds harsh i know
but it's how i feel]

so
why
am i surfing websites
looking at ketubahs
[http://www.etsy.com/listing/69258281/talmud-page-ketubah]
why do i want to be under the chuppah with you
glass breaking

what is it that i actually want
not some community event
[which is what i think i'm supposed to want]
not an occasion to wear a fancy dress
[i can't even picture myself in a wedding dress]
not a legally binding contract
[saying you got trouble to get rid of me]
not some sort of religious act
[invoking the laws of moses and all]

so what exactly is it that i want

i guess
it's some sort of
symbolic transformative moment
that i'm looking for
but of a specific kind
because
i think we've had transformative moments

do you understand this

is it all emotional


it's not that i want to own you
or control you

i'm not now
nor have i ever tried to tell you what to do
i might tell you what i want
or what i need
or what i think is right or fair
and then i might wait forever
for you to decide that you are willing to do that

or i might give up and decide that you'll never
be willing or able or whatever

see

i know you love me
i have known it for like
coming up on five years
but what that means
to you
to me
to the nature of reality

that's the part
i'm never completely sure about

and i get now
that maybe it wasn't like it was for me, for you
or maybe it was but you deal with it differently

anyway
maybe you don't remember meeting me
and maybe i was just a very abstract love
maybe you felt like you had to do or say
things that weren't true
to keep me interested

but
surely we are beyond that
so there is never any need
to tell me what you think i want to hear
if what you want from me is limited
i will not hold that against you
i know girls say that kind of thing
and it is almost always a lie

but let me explain:
i want what you want freely to give me
if i feel like i'm forcing it from you

[whether it is a big or small deal]
it makes it tainted

and i want to feel free to give to you
if i feel like i can't trust you

[see above]

so
if you want the perfect longing of never having
i get that
and
if you love my mind
but you don't find me physically attractive
i get that

telling me either of those things
would not make me stop loving you

and i'm not saying that either is the case
but
do you understand

i cannot believe it has been forever
and we aren't bored with each other

preserving my love for you
is more important than the form
of the expression

i don't know if you
know what i mean or not

maybe i'm blah blah-ing so much that i'm just making you insecure

but i'm confident that this trait
is not something you understand well
or have experienced
like ever
so
i'm just trying to make it clear
like i thought i had
but
am now sure i didn't
years ago

what perhaps is true-ly random

last night i dreamed
i cut my hair
or got it cut
really
and
somehow
with the cutting it got thicker

i was happy
there was probably some other stuff, too

today
a guy was startled when i told him my age
he thought i was a couple years younger than him
and he's six years younger than me
that felt ok
although
secretly
i want to look 28
i don't know why 28
i don't think that's particularly realistic
but there it is

i'm not as sore as i expected to be
from my fall
which is good

they are supposed to be opening
a soccer stadium
within walking distance
from where i live
do you think
i can learn to like soccer

love you very much

i don't know what this means

i went to the farmer's market today
i woke up with a headache
got a late start
blah blah
blah

i asked for a sign
i think i got more than one

i bought mostly fruit
tomatoes and cucumbers
apricots and guavas
figs and finger bananas
strawberries
avocados
some dried chilies
a huge bag of hybiscus tea
a few vegetables
but apparently
i want fruit, mostly

don't think there's a sign there

when i was leaving it started to rain
this might be a sign
as we have had no measurable rain for over 100 days

but my car doesn't like the rain
and it was about 4 and there was traffic
so stop and starting
and it tried to die
[and i specifically said no car signs
so even though this was disturbing
i don't think it's a sign]
so i pulled into a parking lot
and i sat there for almost 3 hours
asking my music player to answer questions for me randomly
and singing

i didn't actually find this boring
but it did reinforced how much i hate traffic

the answers it gave me were
nothing short of amazing
like the perfect answers sometimes
perfect song for the answer
sadie brown and sarah and when i asked it
if i was the love of your life

[cause i realize i might not be
it could be that girl from when you were 12
or it could be
well, somebody else
but you know i want it to be me
like by a landslide, not even close]

anyway, so i asked it, and
the answer made me breath a little harder

but when i got back to the house
i was carrying in all my bags
and my cat got under my feet
and my pants were falling down, too long
and the rug was flipped back slightly
all of which
in some combination
i went sprawling to the floor
and landed hard
on my right breast

so now i'm really sore
and tomorrow it will really really hurt, i think

i soaked in some epsom salts
turned over in the tub
and thought i felt you with me

when i asked my computer player
how you were feeling about me
because i thought maybe
something
since i thought i felt you
but it says
you think i'm breaking up with you

which i don't think you think
but just so you know
i am not

feeling from the depths

i don't remember
what i dreamed
i remember
the feeling

like
a
hug

a
needed
hug

and
i don't
know

if
i know
why things are what they are, or
what any of it means, or even if it matters
that i understand any of it, because, maybe it
only matters that i
love you

can be with you in spirit
even when my body
isn't

and tonight, beloved
i imagine the feel of denim
touching you
through your clothes
tentatively, like a girl
let me spin the bottle
meet me in the closet
for however many minutes in heaven it is

paint the story of your love
on my flesh

what shall we use for paint

we could pick berries
into the rolled upward end of a t-shirt
crushing them in one palm
on the grass by a stream
a creek

i roll into you
all the beautiful exploratory boy-girl moments
that i never really had
and never really knew i wanted

i will lick dewberry juice from you


another night
we can be grown up

still talking, probably not making sense

what i think i had planned to talk about
was shifting schedules
and time

where i feel you
from a distance

what happened the last time
the emperor card
started showing up for you

things not visible

and why

thoughts, and i've only got a few minutes so there may be more later

i was reading that book about the exodus
and it was poetic
and beautiful
but intense
so
i had set it aside for a while
but
i'm reading inventing jewish ritual
which i really really love

and today i read a section
which referenced
what i'd already read in the other book
in relation to a ritual among lubavitcher women in ny
their use of tambourines
in 1994 when their rebbe was dying
and they thought he was coming back
moshiach

it being their responsibility
to keep the faith, as it were
and the whole thing again
with the little fishes

and i'm not sure why, but
i wept

i was in public too
reading while having lunch
and it wasn't anything to do with belief
in a moshiach
because, as far as that goes
i think i only very weakly believe in messianic consciousness
or, well to be honest, i'm not really sure how to take all that
i'd have to err on the side of:
o. k. ummmm
if asked

so it wasn't any burning religious fervor

so i'm not sure what it was

but i suspect
it had something to do with you

so
do you suppose
i should take that as a good sign
or a bad sign
because
i really am not sure what emotion that was
i'm going with moved
but

i don't know
i don't really believe their messiah is coming
and that made me sad
maybe for them
but maybe for me too
that i don't believe

this wasn't really what i planned to say
and now i have to go

and there's something i'm worried about that i can't ask
and even if i could how could you answer

so
just imagine
i'm bringing you a jug
half full of little fishes

i find that image so evocative

ok so i said there'd be more later, so i'm back

the touch screen maps
were part of some system
i was working with this guy
to set up some sort of fan based system

i was asking him:
what is the thing
the thing that'll take it to the next level
i was concerned that the guy we were building it for
should finally get what it was he wanted
from his life
his career
not because i wanted it
not even because i wanted to say
that i had any part of it
i wanted it for him

then
i was hanging out with the family
and the sunflower was part of the family


today
i wondered about that
and i wondered
if you read it
if you wondered
if i had something i was trying to say
and i didn't, naturally
it was a subconscious manifestation

but
i wondered:
does she represent a part of me
or
am i saying i'm too old

maybe

i could actually make either case

i also thought
because i still actually think
crazy as it may be
that some part of you was thinking of me
as an oklahoma sunflower
and i picked it up in my dream

because i really, actually think
that our minds are partially linked
that's not some metaphor
it's just
that
it's not a complete and perfect link
so only things you think very strongly
are at all clear
but
those are not the only things i pick up

anyway
maybe that isn't [any of it] right

i certainly can't tell you what you're thinking right now

my meditative attempts just now
brought up my second grade elementary school lunch room
with the mondrian prints
and some performance of a snoopy play

i had brownie meeting in that room too
after school
and school photos were taken there
actually
it wasn't just mondrian prints
there were prints from a bunch of artists
but those
are the ones i wanted to know who painted them
badly enough to go examine the print closely
piet mondrian

i didn't like girl scouts
i think i thought we'd camp
or learn wilderness skills
but it was just weaving pot holders and
making piggy banks out of bleach bottles
and selling cookies
it was total crap

we bought my clothes at sears on main st
or at woolworths

i got my ears pierced at the end of that year

is any of this something you wanted to know
i don't know why i'd think of that stuff

really wild dream

can't finish now
but i gotta get this down

there were touch screen maps

there was a really pretty
and nice
and young
woman

who

had had your baby
i'm not sure what connection that gave her to me

i was a little bit jealous
but she was one of those oklahoma sunflower girls
sweet and blonde and impossible not to love
only she'd been groomed in california
so she was flawless as well

and i thought:
maybe she's better
she seems to have unlimited energy

she and the toddler also
seemed to be nudists

i said something to her about her
superior energy and stamina
and she said:

don't be silly
all you need to do
is massage the energy point on your ring finger
see, like this
[and she showed me]

more later gotta go

so today i went to synagogue

i was kinda scared
so i started with what i thought would be
biggest and most anonymous most reform-y
it's supposed to have like 1700 families membership
i figured i'd get lost
but there were not more than fifty people there
and the first thing i got asked:
are you a member

but the little flyer thingy said:
guests welcome

so when i got asked
i was prepared:
i am what you'd call a guest

but, i mean, everyone was nice

but i didn't know the songs
and i don't know the communal prayers
and the parshat discussion didn't move me

the only thing that did move me
was when people got up to say their yahrzeits
it made me want to hug them


i have very limited experience with religious services of any kind
i tried to go to metropolitan community church for a while
to try to meet someone
but then it occurred to me
that what i'd probably meet was a christian
so i kinda lost interest then
but the music had notes
and even though i can't really sight read
it helps

i might
i'm working up my nerve
go tomorrow
to the second oldest
which is a (i understand fairly liberal) conservative synagogue
which is actually supposed to be the largest member base
in the state
i think

i have actually been there before
when i was in college
i went with kelly
but all i remember was this:

everybody looked at me like i was dressed like
the whore of babylon
and men and women sat "together"
on opposite sides of the room
and i was so uncomfortable
i just wished
i could fall through a hole in the earth

so this might be a good week to go back

is it wrong that i really prefer english
is it wrong that if i have to sing in hebrew
i feel like i should at least get to sing quarter tones

i was not feeling it
i wanted to feel it
i just wasn't

random stuff

sometimes
random coincidences
seem so prescient that i think
they can't any of them mean anything
or they all do
or some of them
or none of them
or some combination

but
when you've seen something
maybe dozens of times
and suddenly
you see something

that never meant anything
and suddenly it does
but
in a way
that reminds you
of other things
that meant something
in something that was not itself without meaning
it can get pretty confusing, actually


totally unrelated to that
or
maybe, really, it isn't...hmmmm

i am so happy with my new thumb
i never realized how much i worried it
rubbing and mashing and irritating the knot

i've been trying to remember to be
specifically grateful
for each time i notice
a decrease in chronic pain
an increase in flexibility
because that's just right

but
i never realized
that the thumb was much of anything

just
now
the absence
makes me realize
it was almost continually painful
just on such a low level that it never really registered

lack of pain
makes me happy

i dreamed something i thought was interesting
but i can't remember now
i'll write more later
if i can remember

do something nice for yourself today
i'm not with you and i can't
but i'm feeling the kind of bubbling of
whatever it is
that would make me want to do something special

i'm about to see my mom
which might suck it right out of me
so i wish it for you, now

inky blankets and diamond stabbings

i was a detective
or
possibly
i just worked for a detective
not totally clear on that

there was a couple in the office
they were shopping for a blanket

that seems out of place
in a detective office

they were looking at
a crocheted number
not like granny-square crocheted
like all one color
all one texture
black, with a sheen like fresh ink

and i wanted it

the texture made it
ripple across the bed
in a way that drew me
magnetically
distractingly

then they were gone
and i don't know
they must have gotten the blanket
because it was gone
but there were other blankets
and bags of stuff
scattered

and one of them had a bag of diamonds in it

i don't know if that was a strategy
or what

but a guy came into the office
and he went right to them
i fought him
and he stabbed me in the hand

in the side of my fist
down at the base of my palm

i continued to fight him off
and maybe i cut him
or maybe he just
was gonna come back
with fire power
but he left

i had to pee
probably because i actually needed to
but i was trying to stay asleep

the bathroom in the office was up by the front doors
they were broken and wouldn't lock
and people were trying to come in

i was alone
and i was telling them:
wait just a minute
i'm the only one running the front
let me just pop in the restroom really quickly
then i'll take care of you

i went into the bathroom
and tried to figure out what to do



kinda scary, and
when i got stabbed
i didn't bleed at all
and
when i'm looking at it now
[my hand]
i can see that
when i make a fist with my left hand
it pulls in and makes a weird jagged dent
pretty much where he stabbed me
i'm sure i'd notice that before
but it was still weird to see it like that
the other hand doesn't do it

and
would that still be a blanket
if it's all crocheted
or would it become an afghan

i have a bunch of thoughts, so here is where i blah blah

all my blah blah sounds kinda dorky

i keep deleting it

some is torah portion stuff:

this week
is the spies sent to canaan

and wandering another 40 years
not because they're lost
but
because
they are lost
children of slavery

and
it made me feel
closer to you, strangely
and
i'm not sure
never sure, really
if you get me completely
but
i had this moment

these two guys i know
they were talking to each other
while i was talking to someone else
and then i turned
and they both
shut up
and
looked vaguely guilty
so maybe they were talking about me
who can say
and
i said:
you know even if you were talking about me
it's fine with me
because there's nothing wrong with me

and
it wasn't awkward or anything
but i realized later

it wasn't really them i was telling

and
i'm not sure why i'm telling you this now
something to do with
giving people ammunition
and how they don't really understand me

it's hard
people not understanding me
but it doesn't always work against me

i never told you this
but i had
sort of
a plan b
i had this sperm donor all picked out
he was a scientist
from israel
with strawberry blonde hair
and
i don't know if you know
but the donor profiles
they're like playboy or penthouse
they tell you
he has pianist hands
and plays sports and guitar
stuff like that

but i could never do it
and now
he retired his juice
so i really can't

and
i don't know why i told you that either
maybe the kid thing works out
and maybe it doesn't
but
for whatever reason
it's gotta be you

so you just be
however you need to be

hey, ya know what

i love you

and

even though

i'm not a bad writer

i hope

that also

i'm not a bad ego stroker

cause i never said i was against that

just that i was more than that

don't know why i'm telling you that

but

you're still a pain in the ass

please take care of yourself

weird stuff that probably only interests me

ok
so
the other day
maybe four or five days ago
i noticed that my thumb hurt

i have this spot on my thumb, that
gets irritated occasionally
when i was like 23 or 24 i got this
i wanna say wart
and
i cut it out
with a razor blade
twice
so
i've had this little knot of scar tissue
and sometimes it gets irritated

so i thought it was just that

but then
it got to really hurting
so
i looked at it
and it's got this big bubble of pus
coming up under it

so i figure i musta gotten a splinter or something
and not noticed because
the skin is so thick and callus-y
so blah blah blah
i soak it in hot salt water
and i try to find something that'll puncture it
but i couldn't
without slicing it open
so i just went to sleep and went and got a needle the next day

and
you know me
i was thinking
what the hell is this shit supposed to be telling me

so i punched it four or five times
drained it
soaked it in salt water some more
and there was a hole underneath the knot now
which seemed to be healing fine

but today
today there's a white ring around the whole thing
and i'm all like:
what the fuck is this now
so
of course

i pick at it

and the whole thing comes off
knot and all
and
i have completely new skin
that twenty year old knot
gone

and
i never did find the splinter
or whatever
so
i really don't know what that was all about

breathing under water

shavuot, thoughts

i wrote this whole long thing
but it wasn't very good

i didn't make cheese cake
i didn't want it for myself

what i really wanted was to make it
for you
to eat it with you
taste the milk and honey

in my mind
the first fruits
coming at the end of the count down
festival of weeks
standing at sinai a bride
with the torah some sort of cosmic ketubah
all swirled together with my love for you, beloved
it all assumed a magical realism quality
which, here, without you
i have failed to bring off


i have been thinking about you


and tonight, beloved
it is your skin
your face
there is some quality now
which is refined
starkly handsome in some way
that makes the man you were eight years ago
seem unappealingly under-ripe

and i stand at sinai
feel the rush as the world spins
through space and time
my neshama in the very breath of god

and i pray
i am black but comely
may it please you that he long for me
that he forever seek and find the taste of milk and honey
and i also, our tongues eternally joyful

i touch your cheek
twine my fingers behind your neck
and finally kiss you
with fearful trembling
at the offering of first fruits

random writing

a homeless woman gave me
a beautiful
large
cutting
of purple wandering jew today

i'm not sure why
i was talking to someone else
when she came back and left it for me
i didn't see it until she had already left

i tend to see it as a sign
of what exactly, i'm not sure


i've got shit going on with me
have had
for a while
that
i keep thinking is coming from somewhere else
maybe you
if you're sending
thoughts
images
emotions
through the ether to me
maybe that's possible

maybe i've just lost it completely
i'm having these long periods of electricity
like you're working on something ongoing
rather than just the surge i get
when you read something
or whatever

sometimes i have thought i knew what was going on
and then i thought of something else
which made me question
whether i have any clue

it may be
that none of this makes any sense to you
that you have no idea what i'm talking about

in fact
if i wasn't crazy
i'd probably know
that it's all in my head

even though
i guess
technically
i'm kinda old
i feel like i'm always just a little bit
more naive when it comes to you than i really should be

i have this new title swirling around in my head [may be inappropriate, but] feels right

i have this story that's trying to write itself in my head

i am almost afraid to write it though

it's about going to see my dad
several years ago now
some stuff i never told you

and
really
i don't think the whole thing can be about that
i think it just has to start that way
but
it's disturbing to me
so i both really want
and really don't want to write it

which means, maybe
that it has the potential to be good

the title that wants to stick
but only if it's a longer work:

half kaddish for rain

and it starts
[i only like to write in poem-y format]:


it wasn't the first thing he asked me
there were greetings
there was small talk
my mother had had her [artificial] christmas tree up all year
i had seen her the day before
he and i both looked at the wreath, unadorned
the one concession to the season
just a mild indication, really
that any sort of life
still existed anywhere

and when i woke the next morning
he was painting watercolor ornaments
cutting them out
hanging them
on the wreath

now
he said
now we're ready for next year

no no no
my brother said
scattering the effort
and bursting the bubble of the moment

maybe it was after that
or maybe
maybe it was the first possible moment
on the first day
i can't remember
so as i recount it
i place it after this first touch

he asked me
and i had answered
before i knew i heard the question right

can i brush your hair
yeah okay i said aloud
but
really
it felt more like:

dear god yes, please

and that
was when
the whole thing
started to fall sideways

in case you've never heard michael wex

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHv0bHWBuJA&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzR4IqwojTY

rabbi akiva @crackerbarrel redux

it's not that i'm more learned
it's just
that
what i've got seems
all current event-y

i was on the road
i stopped

now
i like cracker barrel
it reminds me of places
the little country places
my mom and i would stop when driving back to her parent's house
where you'd sit down and they'd bring you a basket of biscuits
before you even ordered
with butter
and honey
and
you could buy jerky
and quarts of milk with cream rising to the top

cracker barrel reminds me of stuckey's
with it's jarring orange-ness
and it's kitschy crap and candy

spliced
with those beloved country food memories

somehow
it works

or at least
it had until now


i was on the road
and there just isn't that much
i can eat, anymore, at the ol' cb
but i stopped
in louisiana
for the coffee
and
just for the record
no louisiana coffee for cb
just whatever they serve wherever

whatever

but i took in my book
i'm reading three
but i just took in one:
entering jewish prayer
cause i'm trying to understand what it's all about

now
i don't know if this is pertinent or not
but, in the spirit of full disclosure
i had just been listening to
just say nu
in the car
more because i love michael wex' voice
than for any real yiddishkeit
but
whatever
i think i'm somewhere between a pisher
and an alter cocker
when i walk into the ol' cb

and, i mean, i've bought cds there
i count on them to have classic country
or
at least
something good enough to be background noise

but
what they lacked in coffee
they apparently planned to make up for with
christian music

not gospel
not bluegrass
not oh brother where art thou
just big honkin no musically redeeming value christian music

so i'm looking at my three menus
trying to find something i feel okay about eating

and i ended up getting a fish sandwich
and then that felt weird
cause it was friday
and it was like i was encouraging them

so then
while i'm waiting for my food to come
drinking my coffee
trying to get
over the fact
that i got four hours sleep the night before
wishing i could have gotten by
on my
fresh strawberries
saviseed, chocolate maca, & sprouted buckwheat granola
and papaya, guava, & oat bran dehydrator cookies
feeling like everybody in the joint is staring at me
probably
because i look like a female version
of the guy from the unbelievable truth

and then
rabbi akiva said:

study is more important than performance

and
i thought i might be okay, afterall

if only i could remember and describe the dreams i've had in the last few days

i don't know if they mean anything
but
they certainly have been
packed with stuff

astronauts
bodies of water
multiple perspectives
stuff
stuff
stuff

and
strangely
last night
or, more accurately
this morning

someone ordering coffee
with two eggs
and
coconut
but
like
in the drink, like:

grande
two egg
coconut
latte

and the barista said:

i don't care how weird your drink is
just
get the
calling order
right


what do you think
that
means

i went up to the attic, put on my blue silk shirt

stuff

i don't feel like me
maybe i'm getting sick
maybe i'm having an identity crisis
maybe it's that i've hardly spoken to you
for like ten days

whatever the reason

i feel weird

scatter-brained

i had the beginning germ of a story
in my mind
i was excited at the prospect of writing it for you
and then it just vanishes from my head

i think i'm sleep deprived
and i've had bad dreams
and i drove on i-35
and nothing blew up
but it was a toll road

i asked god for a revelation
and i just felt like i was separated from myself
in another dimension

i feel like i was gone for an eternity
and it wasn't even very long


i miss you intensely

i don't think i'm me anymore
if i'm not talking to you

it's not that i didn't want to finish that post....

although
all the stuff the title might have
made you imagine
might be more exciting than
the original thought

i might
when i've read more
have to write a story

i've been on the road
and
have not had internet
don't have consistent internet now

i worry
that if you don't hear from me
you think
i've quit you
or am injured
or something
though
maybe that isn't the case

but
my new cards
they say
you aren't worried
not at all
like
that you're really really happy

in some new level of happiness

so
i hope they're right

i love you
and i've been thinking about you constantly
even if i've been quiet

rabbi akiva @ the cracker barrel

tonight, beloved, it is your legs

and
in particular
your gait

so very

rue full

no beast of burden you

and on the ship she read i will fear no evil

lounging on deck chairs
letting me go where i would
staring at the running water
contemplating shuffleboard
the swimming pools were all filled
with water from the sea
which burned my eyes
and deterred swimming
i entertained myself

until
someone from the crew
propositioned my mother

at which point
she decided i was not safe
i was nine
and without breasts
but

suddenly

my vacation was cut short

she attached herself
to a married couple with a son
more or less my age

i didn't like him, particularly

my days became
endless ping pong

my evenings
evil under the sun
murder by death
until i rejoined my mother
for exquisite meals
and
what i knew even then
were bad floor shows

he seemed to like me
marginally more than i liked him
and it may have been a form of rudimentary flirting
or it might have been something else

but he was continually and forever
calling me:
moose

which i hated
volubly

until
he just said it one time too many

at which point
i walked up to him
grabbed a big bunch of shirt
and pulled him to attention:

if you call me moose
one more time
i'm gonna beat the crap out of you

after that
she seemed to have time for me
mysteriously
again

i love you

more about the cheesecake....

ever since
i decided
to make cheesecake
i've been having these wild ideas

the first to come to me
almost instantly:
smoked almonds

what???!!

no, wait

it came to me in a flash
rather than graham cracker, or whatever
though
maybe not only smoked almonds
that might be too salty
the trick
i think
would be to find
unsalted
(or very lightly salted)

and
brie
not all brie
just enough
and honey

it took me a while to decide honey
because
believe it or not
i considered
for a long long time
the possibility of a savoury cheesecake
like as the main course
with like a wheat pilaf

and i'm definite about the wheat
have to do the wheat

but
you know
cheesecake is meant to be sweet
and the milk and honey thing
that's just right
maybe marble the brie and honey in

and
for some reason
maybe i just want salty
but i'm thinking about quiche with olives and feta
which would be good with the pilaf
but
hello
green vegetable much

but
i have a strong feeling
for fresh figs

maybe in some sort of salad

that might be too much going on at once

can you tell
i really enjoy this

all done with mirrors, apparently

i had no idea
that book
it's taking me places

the redemptive power
of passion

reflecting
lacanian
je
into a future

moses didn't believe

and
it was the women
with their little fishes
and mirror games

600,000

don't break my thighs, moses
turn your head
and see the burning bush

it's all in what you see

so far loving that book....got new tarot cards too

guess i wasn't supposed to tell you
just wrote this long long post
about my new cards

and

plans for finally learning
to make cheese cake

and

something to do with
merkabah

but

then my system shut down
for updates
that i didn't see coming
and i lost it

so
maybe i wasn't supposed to tell you

which i haven't, exactly
now

just stuff

i got this book
the particulars of rapture: reflections on exodus
which i'm excited about
i'm hoping it's my speed
it's by
avivah gottlieb zornberg

i was going to get
have been looking at for about a year
(without being able to quite make myself buy it)
the murmuring deep: reflections on the biblical unconscious
and i may still
but not right now

i hope i like her writing as much as i think i will
and then maybe i'll read them all, eventually
but i'm taking this as my point of entry



i have to tell you something:
i don't like ritual or set prayers
that may be part of the reason
i've never been comfortable with religion

i talk to god
all the time
in my own words
and the idea of saying someone else's proscribed words
sets my teeth on edge

and
the idea that i need a special place to talk to god
i'm not so ok with either
i got into the habit
as a kid
i think
of pretty much always talking to god in the bathroom
cause you're unlikely to be interrupted there, i guess
plus
you're not really needing to divide your attention
and
it's not like you'll forget to go there
it just seemed like, obvious
however, i imagine, that's probably profane, or whatever

don't get me wrong
i talk to god other places
like
wherever i am when i got something to say


it occurs to me
this bathroom revelation
might open up a lot of stuff, contextually

...and rip torn as the dark knight

today

i thought about you
wondered what you were doing
today
today it was your ears, beloved
the twist
the curve
the way the sun shines red
through the tender conch
i have tried to paint them
but
their beauty defies me
i am so transfixed
i forget even
that ears are ripe for nibbling
they are the very david of ears

along with his soulful eyes
i hope he has your ears
she can have my ears
which are quite fine enough and feminine
she can have my eyes too
how disconcerting
to look into those eyes
she will be a challenge
she will look into my very soul

does it ever frighten you

it won't frighten him though
he'll just open his eyes wide
and i'll fall into them

don't let me spoil him

tell me i should spoil you instead

you're much more ornery
it won't hurt you any

smoke dreams

i was travelling
going to a festival
i had the living out of the car thing
solid

but i'm not sure what kind of festival it was
but there was weed
and a bong
and
though it's been three years
i guess
i still remember how to inhale
hard and pulling deeply down
then clamping down
then relaxing
feeling the thc enter my bloodstream

there was more, i know there was more

i was selling something
but not at a booth
through some sort of centralized vendor
the girl running that told me:
none of your sales are going through
i adjusted something
something to do with communication lines
then everything went through

but
there was this girl
she was hanging all over me
really irritating me
her name was debbie
and i'm not really sure how to interpret this
but
she had her finger up my ass
right out in public
and
i didn't want to be in private with her
i wanted her to leave me alone
so
even though i was out in public
i removed her finger
and told her to keep her finger out of my ass


i find this section
kinda confusing
and marginally disturbing
how am i supposed to interpret that


then i was in a house
in a neighborhood that i wasn't too sure about
i'm not sure if i thought it was dangerous
or just that it was maybe really run down
but
it didn't really seem that run down
and there was a deck
which gave it a ship-like quality

i went out on the deck
other people were out on their own
so it had the feeling
of ships sailing in close proximity
and there was a sort of camaraderie
not too close
but comfortable

and the light had the most unusually quality
not as shady as dusk
but not as colorful as dawn

it was a bright darkness

and i could see

a lovely place
i hadn't known existed

i got somethin but it didn't have much to do with decor

i got some general impressions
before i even got into bed

whereas i had been thinking in waking hours
of a draped version of this:

http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=56501&parentid=BAYNOTE

the general impression i was getting was more like this:

http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=960063&parentid=BAYNOTE

not specifically that bed
just something big-solid-wood-sturdy-imposing
but then
i got pretty much nothing else of the room
what i got was
reiteration
of why the bed needs to be big and sturdy

i don't know if this is just my fantasy working
but there seems to be a lot more rolling around
than i remember ever doing before
even in the kissing stage

so i don't know if that was you
hell, it's entirely possible that
every psychic thing i think you've sent
is all my imagination
maybe you don't even believe in psychic communication
either way
the campaign bed does seem a little flimsy
i have traditionally leaned more toward platform beds

anyway
i guess you know
whether you sent anything out or not
so you get the scientific results

have a beautiful day
much love
and thanks
for rolling around with me

i love you

hope everything's good
had some random stuff
i was gonna say
but
the most important of it was:

hey, i love you


i'm hoping tonight
i'll dream about the bedroom
cause i'm liking the decor theme
and the bedroom
is a tricky one
because, ya know
you have to walk that line between
restful enough to sleep
and
temple to passion

so
if you want
send dream thoughts my way
which i don't know if you know how to do
but i'd be fun to try

just send the thought out
it's sort of like a psychic pneumismatic tube
if i get it
you'll know
because you'll recognize it in what i write

see
super scientific

i'm totally not kidding

i should be asleep in 15-30 minutes

choosing a table and kitchen redo

i was in an old apartment
i was trying to fix it up
i had apparently already done the bathroom
and i was trying to edit
the dining...
i'm gonna call it a nook
because
even though it was a room
it was small
and
really half of it was gonna have to be
something else

but there were two tables
neither of them was quite right, somehow
but i thought both of them were beautiful
but they belonged to my mother, apparently
and she wanted to sell them
but it was like she was selling my childhood
i felt emotionally attached
wanted to hang on
even though they didn't work
i have a desk like that
i keep wanting to replace it
because it just doesn't work
but it's got too much history for me

i keep thinking i'll refinish it
fancy it up
use it as a dressing table
but
who am i kidding
i don't need a dressing table
maybe if i have a foyer
whatever

one of the tables
had a bentwood oval
to rest the glass upon
one had beautiful carving
i was leaning towards the glass top
because it leaves a more open feel
and it was a small space
but now i'm realizing
maybe what it really needed was a booth
maybe i could build in a U-shaped banquet
with under storage
and use the glass table
hmmm, maybe

then i moved into the kitchen
and
it had a super high ceiling
but it was all plaster dust and messed up
and i wanted to paint the top eight feet
and wall paper the bottom whatever it was
five or six
with some easily cleanable stuff
but then too
i thought
maybe i should do a drop ceiling
hang stuff
for extra storage
but
i was totally not competent to do that alone
the benches
i could have done
although
power tools
kinda terrify me
because
i have a tendency to the clumsy
and one of my dad's friends cut off three of his fingers
with a saw when i was a kid
they sewed em back on
and they worked
sorta
but
it made a scary impressing
so
maybe i wouldn't
or
maybe i'd use a hand saw and it'd take forever
(ooooo there'd be no storage with this option
but old fold down wooden stadium seats
would be really cool
though less practical, i guess)

but
i think a drop ceiling is a two man job
but that be cool
a wooden grid, say
suspended down from the high ceiling
although
maybe not
because
if i could reach it without a ladder
it might be a head risk


damn it
where am i going with this
i was so excited about this apartment
and now
i'm not sure if my ideas work

oh well
probably not a very interesting post, then

movies and mooses

i dreamed i was living in some sort of communal living arrangement
and i was trying to find a place to put my books

what do you think the books represent
i always seem to be worrying
about those books

anyway
i think i ended up stacking them against the wall
in a walking closet

and there were two cats
one was my cat
one was a stray
we were trying to integrate
mine was a black cat
and the stray was too
but i could tell them apart immediately
even though they had identical markings

there was this topiary mattress
that one of the cats
shredded
eviscerated

which was not going to make it popular
but i kept wondering:

what is the point of a topiary mattress
it's not like mattresses are so pretty
that you need a shaped one on a decorative wrought iron post

i have no idea what any of that's about


there was this couple
the girl reminded me of sharon tuttle
one of the computer book department people
i used to work with at the book store
and the guy
i'm not sure who he looked like

they had a pet moose

they laughed and said:
our gift is the sign the moose wears:
not insane

which i guess meant they were kindly letting you know
that it was not a dangerous moose

and maybe that means
it is finally time for me to tell you
my moose story
so maybe i have to write it
i hate to
i've been saving it
it involves ping pong and mean-ness

i totally can't play ping pong
but i used to could
when i was like ten

i guess ten was a big year for me


anyway
right before i got up
i had this really weird dream

i use my cell phone as an alarm clock

i'm not really sure why
i have an uber loud german brass windup clock
i have a tweeting bird clock i got in chicago

i have an awesome shiva clock i got in santa fe
(but it never worked)
when i got home with it and put batteries in it
it was not singing shiva songs
only the clock part works
which pissed me off

wow, that was a long aside, i guess i needed to vent

cell phone clock

so it had gone off
the first time
i got up
fed the cat
got back in bed
it's gonna ring in thirty minutes

normally
it either goes on the bedside shelves
or on the bed next to me
but today
i was laying on my back
and i just held it on my chest
which led to something
it wasn't much like a dream

i took a video of myself laying there
a sheet covering the lower half of my face like a veil
actually
it started out with a black screen
and you could just hear me
then you could see me
and i looked kinda scary
kinda like those ads i keep seeing for hanna
then i got up out of the bed
and walked to the sliding glass door
slowly
and filming myself
but there was some kind of music playing
and i'm not sure how to describe it
it was heavy
multi layered
and maybe appropriate for a horror film
but beautifully haunting too
and maybe i was wailing
or maybe it was just the music

then
when i got to the window
i played it back
watched the whole thing

it could have happened

it was quite like an out of body experience


anyway
weirdness

dreams were weird and really i guess i wanna chat

there was one dream
where there was a telephone receiver
like probably no one has anymore
connected to the heavy curling cord
the dream girl got a call
but there was no phone base
she followed the cord back to a barn
as she walked toward it the cord pulled in
harder and harder until she had to let go, the phone disappearing entirely

there was something dangerous in the barn
and there were people under sheets on gurneys
with wolf masks on their heads

when she went back home
the door was hidden
it just blended into the apartment building wall



there was another dream
i was in my old attic room
but i lived there now
i was so happy to be back there
because i miss it
i did not have the same history in the dream
that i do in real life
i was younger
and had lived alone for all those years
i don't think i knew you either

and
i think i might have been a clothes horse
because i was trying on clothes
for most of the dream

now
i go back to that room sometimes in dreams
but this seemed different
and i'm not sure what it means

maybe i'm feeling like i've lived my life foolishly
like i wish i could do it all again

but
to be honest
i really don't want to have to do it all again
i'm just not sure how to fix it now
and i've been thinking about different weights
i was at different times
charting the ups and downs
so the trying on clothes might have to do with that


i haven't lost more weight
i haven't really tried
i've been eating
and i'd inched up from the peanut butter
and lost it back with the chlorella diet
but
i've been eating
and feeling pretty good about eating
and just maintaining

i want to lose more
but i have been feeling good, physically
and i think i'm seeing changes without weight loss
that might be coming from the stuff i'm eating
like maybe my body is using the extra protein and fat
to work on my muscle and skin
i was a little worried about my skin
it seemed a little loose
so i haven't been in a big hurry to lose more weight
until it had kinda caught up
which it seems like it is, i think
i think the step-n-tone shoes are definitely doing something

i'm still too fat
but it's different

on the one hand
i want to do drastic things
and lose the rest of the weight in three months
but on the other hand
i don't want to do drastic things

i'm not sure which is better
just feeling okay about myself for a while
or pushing to get better

but i am slipping a bit
i've had some eggs and dairy
and i haven't been taking my supplements regularly
specifically royal jelly, dha, and cod liver oil
and i had a pretty poor showing this ovulation cycle


oh yeah, i forgot
i had a dream that i was driving across country
and i stopped in some small western town restaurants
and weird roadside gift shops
none of which i remember very well
but somewhere in there was a potted cactus
about two feet tall
with a beautiful milky pink flower


i hope everything is good with you
that you are happy and healthy and with loved ones
i love you very much

thoughts as the water boils, almost a story

so i'm in the kitchen heating water for tea. used to be i'd use a bodum kettle, but it's getting old and turns out to use too much electricity so i switched to stovetop. stovetop is gas. i use this little pot i think was designed for turkish coffee, but stainless. whatever. it's just the right amount of water. so. like i said. i'm heating water for tea. it hadn't yet boiled when i noticed something floating. yuck. i thought maybe it was a spider. is it bad luck to kill spiders? however, it was not a spider, when i fished it out it was a fruit fly. definitely not my fault. had to have flown in. how long do i need to boil the water to kill fruit fly germs? i wasn't sure.

maybe a slow count to sixty.

and my mind could have gone anywhere, but it took me back to ten years old. in the kitchen boiling water for tea. not my tea though. tea for the stepmother.

there is something distilled in that moment.

i hated her. plain and simple. i thought she was stupid and worthless and evil. the very first cuss word i ever used was the first one i ever learned and i would sit in the dark in my closet and call her that word over and over like it gave me power. she had migraines, or maybe she didn't, they certainly seemed to be conveniently timed.

maybe i've told you this story before...

anyway, one day she had a migraine and i had to make her tea...

we had one of those whistling tea kettles. it always sat on the stove. it had a little water in it. i didn't dump that water. it was going to be boiled; whatever was in it had been boiled. it didn't really occur to me to check it. i boiled the water. it whistled. i shut it off quickly. she had a migraine. i put the tea bag in the cup. i poured the water.

three large swollen cockroaches floated to the surface.

i hate cockroaches.

i stared at them.

i needed to make the tea over. there were cockroaches in the tea. she would yell at me for taking too long if i started over. there were cockroaches in the tea. she had probably heard the kettle. there were cockroaches in the tea.

i fished them out.

i took her the tea.

she thanked me.



she deserved it.

yes yes, fine. she created an environment where doing the thing i actually wanted to do was the one thing most likely to avoid punishment.

our only win-win.

and i won.

i would not have given my worst enemy cockroach tea. but i wasn't going to be yelled at for saving her from cockroach tea. fuck her. drink up.



and it really isn't like that was my finest moment.

but in a way it was...

...58...59...60

well, something weird, i don't know about good, but different

i dreamed
i was trying to get somewhere
i had a dream vacation planned, or something
but i was snowed in everywhere
i couldn't get to the airport
i couldn't get to my destination
and time was running out

i don't know what that means
but it doesn't seem good

but it wasn't like a nightmare, either
just like i was trying everything i could think of


but
this next part
i don't know, really don't know
what to make of it


i was standing in my kitchen
and i really needed to pee
so i did
like right there
and it just kept going and going
hot and yellow and making a giant pool on the floor
and i thought:
man, this is going to be a huge mess to clean up
and it reminded me of the time i saw the percheron piss
and it was like i couldn't finish
it just went on and on
but in a very releasing sort of way

when i was a kid
i read a book that was supposed to explain sex to kids
and it described the feeling of an orgasm:
the way you feel when you pee when you've really got to go

which i sensed at the time couldn't be right
and later
after i finally had one
made me wonder if that author had ever had one

so i'm not saying
this was orgasmic peeing
but it did feel good
and
other than the clean up
i wasn't all shamed up about it

so finally i finish
and i go to get clean up stuff
and my father comes along and puts down a rug
and some wicker furniture
right on top of it
i'm watching the pee soak into the rug
which is at least a thick cotton washable rug

and
i'm not sure whether it's weirder
that he put a rug and wicker chairs in the kitchen
or the fact that it was my father who did it

what do you suppose that's all about
sheesh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBMcc9l6Jw0

last night i went to see just go with it for reasons other than that i thought it would be a brilliant tour de force

but i find i have thoughts...
and
i'm not sure they would have continued beyond walking back to my car
except that
i have a tendency
(unless i really have to pee)
to watch all the credits
(i figure those people deserve it
and often i want to see something with the music
which is usually listed last
and
sometimes they'll show you something
at the end
so i watch
usually)

and this time i saw that just go with it
is what i think they're calling now
a re imagining of
cactus flower

and i'm all like:
wait
what
no way

so i guess now i'll have to watch cactus flower again
goldie hawn totally stole the show in that film, as i recall
and i'm not sure it was planned that way
cactus flower is to almost famous
genetic book ends
somehow in my mind
and maybe that doesn't make sense
but it was just
the way my brain works

the point is
brooklyn decker
just pretty and nice
but nothing in the personality department
couldn't be (to me) the same movie
which, of course, isn't how that works
they'd be basing that on the plot or something not the movie
which surprisingly
even against
adam sandler
nick swardson
nicole kidman
and bailee madison (who gives everyone a pretty good run for their money)
brings out something amazing in
jennifer aniston

which is maybe sad
because this isn't a great movie
but she was incandescent

now
i've never been a big jenifer aniston fan
she's always been fine:
cute funny kinda one dimensional but good at her thing, ya know
i would never knock her
it's hard enough to get a thing to be good at in hollywood, ya know

but i am specifically trying to support this little trend they got going
the over 40 actress in romantic leading roles trend
i think it's a good good thing
and i'm willing to see
stuff i wouldn't go to see
to support that trend
the proposal for example
which actually turned out to be worth the price of admission
for betty white's performance
(sorry i could never like golden girls betty)

anyway
brooklyn decker
seemed like a set up really
as a pale by younger version of aniston
who may have had some work done before this film
i hate to say that
and i don't mean to sound like a bitch
it's just that i've looked at her a lot
specifically because
i've been thinking of getting my hair cut like that
for actually
like a couple of years now
and i just can't decide
her face is so much squarer than mine
and i'm afraid it will make me look like a campbell soup kid
so i've looked at her face pretty intensely
and
she doesn't look different
just sort of perfected

so what i'm saying:
if she had work done
it was fucking good gad damn amazing work
and everyone should run not walk to her surgeon

and
i don't mean to remain firmly focused on the physical
really i don't, but it is important here for the sake of the over 40 thing
to mention:

once jennifer aniston took off her clothes to reveal
her 40 something bikini clad body
every time brooklyn showed up after that
i couldn't help being all like:
oh yeah, is she still here

but she wasn't just
the most beautiful piece of meat there
which frankly
would have been a cultural victory in a way
she also came across as a real person
even though the situation, hell, the whole movie, was uber contrived

adam sandler is charming and has played romantic lead before and better
there is here nothing really new or inspired about his performance, except
after their kind of accidental date
where she needs him to pretend to be her husband
the way he has needed her
except
in her case
it is to make herself look good to an old sorority "friend"
the date was pretty good
aniston and kidman is a combination i would never have thought of
but wouldn't mind to see again
but
the walk down the hall
when sandler and aniston are returning from her lie to his
his realization
that he likes hers better

pure gold



i'm not saying
that i'm going to rent her back catalog
but
i wouldn't be surprised
to see something astonishingly good from her in the future
and i'm gonna try not to miss it

don't have much time right now

dreams were all full of
potted plants
don't know what that means

and large spaces
with wooden beams

coconut
palms
chocolate
trees
and
some
overarching reason
for all of this to be together
sometimes in elaborate planters

a glittering black guitar case, for one
and i was
poor

trying to figure out
how to finance my own
beautiful tree

not sure what it all means
but i needed to get it down
before i completely forget it


i love you very much
take good care of yourself

for a while now, i've been having complex dreams which i subsequently could not recall; but last night might be the weirdest of all

i was in a park
or
some place
naturally
beautiful

i was
on a blanket
i was
talking to a little girl
telling her a story, i think
but having a conversation too
to get a sense of what she wanted, in a story

what was coming out, it didn't make much sense to me
and i can't remember anything that was said in this process

then
i stepped away from the girl on her blanket
i looked down at the ground, and sort of concentrated
and big pages started to appear, like
maybe 2' x 2'
and
right there in front of my eyes
they were binding themselves up
creating this enormous book
children's book


then from there i got up and walked over to
what seemed like kind of a sacred spot in the park
so maybe it wasn't a park because i don't think parks
have sacred ground

anyway

when i got there i knelt
and
next to me
was an indian
i don't know
was he an actual man
was he a spirit man
but
i did know him

tell my ancestors i love them
i'm sorry i'm so pale
it might give me privilege, but it isn't wanted
i hope i bring honor

he might have said something
i can't remember

hey, i found it...

http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=963191&catId=SHOPSALE-FURNITURE&pushId=SHOPSALE-FURNITURE&popId=SHOPSALE&navAction=top&navCount=84&color=015&isProduct=true&fromCategoryPage=true&templateType=E

and it is a really beautiful sofa