so today i went to synagogue

i was kinda scared
so i started with what i thought would be
biggest and most anonymous most reform-y
it's supposed to have like 1700 families membership
i figured i'd get lost
but there were not more than fifty people there
and the first thing i got asked:
are you a member

but the little flyer thingy said:
guests welcome

so when i got asked
i was prepared:
i am what you'd call a guest

but, i mean, everyone was nice

but i didn't know the songs
and i don't know the communal prayers
and the parshat discussion didn't move me

the only thing that did move me
was when people got up to say their yahrzeits
it made me want to hug them


i have very limited experience with religious services of any kind
i tried to go to metropolitan community church for a while
to try to meet someone
but then it occurred to me
that what i'd probably meet was a christian
so i kinda lost interest then
but the music had notes
and even though i can't really sight read
it helps

i might
i'm working up my nerve
go tomorrow
to the second oldest
which is a (i understand fairly liberal) conservative synagogue
which is actually supposed to be the largest member base
in the state
i think

i have actually been there before
when i was in college
i went with kelly
but all i remember was this:

everybody looked at me like i was dressed like
the whore of babylon
and men and women sat "together"
on opposite sides of the room
and i was so uncomfortable
i just wished
i could fall through a hole in the earth

so this might be a good week to go back

is it wrong that i really prefer english
is it wrong that if i have to sing in hebrew
i feel like i should at least get to sing quarter tones

i was not feeling it
i wanted to feel it
i just wasn't