i was trying to think what i think about marriage

you see
i want to marry you
have wanted to since forever

but
i'm not really sure
what i mean when i say that

i've always been uncomfortable
with the whole patriarchal framework
and i disagree on principle
with involving the government

so
just on that basis
i should not want to get married

but
it isn't just that

the whole planning, expense, and psychosis
that i find vaguely nauseating
i don't have a bunch of friends
and i don't want my family there
[that sounds harsh i know
but it's how i feel]

so
why
am i surfing websites
looking at ketubahs
[http://www.etsy.com/listing/69258281/talmud-page-ketubah]
why do i want to be under the chuppah with you
glass breaking

what is it that i actually want
not some community event
[which is what i think i'm supposed to want]
not an occasion to wear a fancy dress
[i can't even picture myself in a wedding dress]
not a legally binding contract
[saying you got trouble to get rid of me]
not some sort of religious act
[invoking the laws of moses and all]

so what exactly is it that i want

i guess
it's some sort of
symbolic transformative moment
that i'm looking for
but of a specific kind
because
i think we've had transformative moments

do you understand this

is it all emotional


it's not that i want to own you
or control you

i'm not now
nor have i ever tried to tell you what to do
i might tell you what i want
or what i need
or what i think is right or fair
and then i might wait forever
for you to decide that you are willing to do that

or i might give up and decide that you'll never
be willing or able or whatever

see

i know you love me
i have known it for like
coming up on five years
but what that means
to you
to me
to the nature of reality

that's the part
i'm never completely sure about

and i get now
that maybe it wasn't like it was for me, for you
or maybe it was but you deal with it differently

anyway
maybe you don't remember meeting me
and maybe i was just a very abstract love
maybe you felt like you had to do or say
things that weren't true
to keep me interested

but
surely we are beyond that
so there is never any need
to tell me what you think i want to hear
if what you want from me is limited
i will not hold that against you
i know girls say that kind of thing
and it is almost always a lie

but let me explain:
i want what you want freely to give me
if i feel like i'm forcing it from you

[whether it is a big or small deal]
it makes it tainted

and i want to feel free to give to you
if i feel like i can't trust you

[see above]

so
if you want the perfect longing of never having
i get that
and
if you love my mind
but you don't find me physically attractive
i get that

telling me either of those things
would not make me stop loving you

and i'm not saying that either is the case
but
do you understand

i cannot believe it has been forever
and we aren't bored with each other

preserving my love for you
is more important than the form
of the expression

i don't know if you
know what i mean or not

maybe i'm blah blah-ing so much that i'm just making you insecure

but i'm confident that this trait
is not something you understand well
or have experienced
like ever
so
i'm just trying to make it clear
like i thought i had
but
am now sure i didn't
years ago