eight - thirty

at eight-thirty i feel you
i lay in bed alone
covers pulled up to my breast bone
my head is vaguely pounding
and i shift my neck on the pillow
to try to stretch it out or pop it or something
i can't remember my dreams
though i am barely awake
and then
you're there

i feel you first
as an energetic wave
tumbling over me
then pulling me in it's undertow
contracting inward
and then rolling outward

i check
and find
dampness
were you with me in dreams
or
is it just the spill from this last wave

i think about you

thinking about me


eight-thirty

the last few evenings
i've felt you too
a couple days ago
with the force of plate tectonics
till i went off to the bath

tonight
it was later
and but brief

i wonder if it's all in my head
F4

in the beginning
i used to be sure it was you
but now
i think that then it was just the drugs

i kind of miss the drugs
but
mostly
i don't really think about it

but if you only knew the things you did to me
when first i thought you wanted me
in the big chair outside
underneath the stars

and i soared above you
you were in your mother's yard maybe
not sure, but somewhere like that, with others there
and you freaked and said:
not here
i can't do this now
and
that was when i started
calling from a safe distance

but it's been so different
the last couple years

i can rarely see inside your head
never project to you
and maybe
it is the lack of drugs
or maybe
i'm afraid to intrude
or i don't know

maybe i'm just letting you
come to me instead
and you do

mostly in electrical spasms


and i'm thinking about the way
when i'm near you
we don't occupy separate space
i don't feel attraction or repulsion from you
the way i normally would from another
which is why i'm never sure
with you
because
i just feel us
as the same energy
same frequency
but
never
that sort of invasive tension

and i think it must be like that for you too
because i'm never pushing into your space either
i'm so controlled and yet so permeable with you
it sounds bizarre
but it feels
somewhat
like
home

and i wonder if the lovemaking will
lack the awkwardness that everything else with you has lacked

but
as i sit here drinking my shiraz
i just want to be
close to you