i have a bunch of thoughts, so here is where i blah blah

all my blah blah sounds kinda dorky

i keep deleting it

some is torah portion stuff:

this week
is the spies sent to canaan

and wandering another 40 years
not because they're lost
but
because
they are lost
children of slavery

and
it made me feel
closer to you, strangely
and
i'm not sure
never sure, really
if you get me completely
but
i had this moment

these two guys i know
they were talking to each other
while i was talking to someone else
and then i turned
and they both
shut up
and
looked vaguely guilty
so maybe they were talking about me
who can say
and
i said:
you know even if you were talking about me
it's fine with me
because there's nothing wrong with me

and
it wasn't awkward or anything
but i realized later

it wasn't really them i was telling

and
i'm not sure why i'm telling you this now
something to do with
giving people ammunition
and how they don't really understand me

it's hard
people not understanding me
but it doesn't always work against me

i never told you this
but i had
sort of
a plan b
i had this sperm donor all picked out
he was a scientist
from israel
with strawberry blonde hair
and
i don't know if you know
but the donor profiles
they're like playboy or penthouse
they tell you
he has pianist hands
and plays sports and guitar
stuff like that

but i could never do it
and now
he retired his juice
so i really can't

and
i don't know why i told you that either
maybe the kid thing works out
and maybe it doesn't
but
for whatever reason
it's gotta be you

so you just be
however you need to be