dreams were weird and really i guess i wanna chat

there was one dream
where there was a telephone receiver
like probably no one has anymore
connected to the heavy curling cord
the dream girl got a call
but there was no phone base
she followed the cord back to a barn
as she walked toward it the cord pulled in
harder and harder until she had to let go, the phone disappearing entirely

there was something dangerous in the barn
and there were people under sheets on gurneys
with wolf masks on their heads

when she went back home
the door was hidden
it just blended into the apartment building wall



there was another dream
i was in my old attic room
but i lived there now
i was so happy to be back there
because i miss it
i did not have the same history in the dream
that i do in real life
i was younger
and had lived alone for all those years
i don't think i knew you either

and
i think i might have been a clothes horse
because i was trying on clothes
for most of the dream

now
i go back to that room sometimes in dreams
but this seemed different
and i'm not sure what it means

maybe i'm feeling like i've lived my life foolishly
like i wish i could do it all again

but
to be honest
i really don't want to have to do it all again
i'm just not sure how to fix it now
and i've been thinking about different weights
i was at different times
charting the ups and downs
so the trying on clothes might have to do with that


i haven't lost more weight
i haven't really tried
i've been eating
and i'd inched up from the peanut butter
and lost it back with the chlorella diet
but
i've been eating
and feeling pretty good about eating
and just maintaining

i want to lose more
but i have been feeling good, physically
and i think i'm seeing changes without weight loss
that might be coming from the stuff i'm eating
like maybe my body is using the extra protein and fat
to work on my muscle and skin
i was a little worried about my skin
it seemed a little loose
so i haven't been in a big hurry to lose more weight
until it had kinda caught up
which it seems like it is, i think
i think the step-n-tone shoes are definitely doing something

i'm still too fat
but it's different

on the one hand
i want to do drastic things
and lose the rest of the weight in three months
but on the other hand
i don't want to do drastic things

i'm not sure which is better
just feeling okay about myself for a while
or pushing to get better

but i am slipping a bit
i've had some eggs and dairy
and i haven't been taking my supplements regularly
specifically royal jelly, dha, and cod liver oil
and i had a pretty poor showing this ovulation cycle


oh yeah, i forgot
i had a dream that i was driving across country
and i stopped in some small western town restaurants
and weird roadside gift shops
none of which i remember very well
but somewhere in there was a potted cactus
about two feet tall
with a beautiful milky pink flower


i hope everything is good with you
that you are happy and healthy and with loved ones
i love you very much