i'm afraid i'm gonna have several posts today, and they might not any of them be interesting but, you decide

ok
this has been bothering me for
several days and i guess i'll just talk about it

i was talking to this guy i know
and he was saying something about being fat
and i never would have described him as fat
so i was all like:
do you really think you're fat

he's like i'm guessin about six feet tall
and he's like:
i'm blah blah pounds
so yes

now
i have to say
i am fifteen pounds heavier than that
and i am no where near six feet tall
and
blah blah i got heavy bones
and i know i'm fat, still
but it bugs me a little anyway
not a lot, just a little

but
what he says next
that really bothered me

i say something about knowing what he's talking about
or blah blah polite me-too-type agreement
covering my mild irritation
and he says:

but it's different for you as a woman

[wait for it]

it's not as bad to be a little meatier for a woman

now say what???!!

oh surely you've noticed that
blah blah blah
and then he's talking about how he likes large women

and i've got all these thoughts
which i will now share with you
because you might want to know the stuff that runs through my head

ok
first
i'm running back all the compliments he's ever paid me
thinking they were legitimate
and i'm wondering if they were, really
cause i wasn't meaning to be flirting with him
and i didn't think he was flirting with me
but now, i'm not sure

second
[and i should mention all this is probably
really simultaneous not chronological]
a sarcastic commentary:
oh yeah, i totally noticed how men were flinging aside
the cute size twos to stand in line to get at me

third
no no no
i know exactly where the line is
because whenever i went under it
i started getting attention i couldn't handle
and i had to go gain thirty pounds in a month
the line is under size 14

fourth
but you want him to find you attractive
[meaning you]
so
you can't have it both ways, can you
either he's attracted to you or he's not
you were with somebody for years and years who was not
and it really really bothered you
so if it's bad to be attracted to you
then where are you leaving him
either the zaftig is good
or he's attracted to you in spite of it
which may be what you want
but it's a slippery slope


and there are certain women who
i think
you think
i compare favorably next to
[i can't say, but i think you know who i mean]
and we are the same type, generally
but she is younger
and in better shape
and
actually
smaller

so where i started out
just vaguely grossed out that i might have
mistaken attraction bias as
actual regard for my skills or attributes
i finished up
feeling like i have put you in a very difficult situation
and i don't mean to

i reason with myself
it is far different to be attracted to someone
than to be attracted to their body
and that, for most people
there are parts that they find more and less appealing
on any particular body

but i find
my thoughts on the subject
are much more confusing than i thought

i mean
how is it even vaguely logical
to want every other male in the world
to see me as totally not a possible sexual object
and any form of flirting has to be obvious
and just as obviously recreationally leading nowhere
but still
that i look good to you
you are supposed
[with almost no additional effort on my part
because all that make-up is phony and gross]
to think i am
beautiful
and
sexually stimulating
and
the mother of your children
[rather, potentially, i guess
but, no
i want you to see that when you look at me]

i mean
that's kinda asking for a lot, huh

so then i start thinking that i should have done more
to lose more weight
to work my problem areas
to be the best looking body i can manage
not that i'm unhappy with my progress
just that i can see
how i judge myself lacking

so yeah
way better to be a girl


something i may not have told you
as i'm thinking about what i find attractive
in people i've been with before
i like scars
i like em a lot
and that is not the kind of thing you be all
freakin out about
oh my god
i don't have any good scars
so that brings things back in perspective a little
people are idiosyncratic
you can't really know what they'll be attracted to