thoughts, and i've only got a few minutes so there may be more later

i was reading that book about the exodus
and it was poetic
and beautiful
but intense
so
i had set it aside for a while
but
i'm reading inventing jewish ritual
which i really really love

and today i read a section
which referenced
what i'd already read in the other book
in relation to a ritual among lubavitcher women in ny
their use of tambourines
in 1994 when their rebbe was dying
and they thought he was coming back
moshiach

it being their responsibility
to keep the faith, as it were
and the whole thing again
with the little fishes

and i'm not sure why, but
i wept

i was in public too
reading while having lunch
and it wasn't anything to do with belief
in a moshiach
because, as far as that goes
i think i only very weakly believe in messianic consciousness
or, well to be honest, i'm not really sure how to take all that
i'd have to err on the side of:
o. k. ummmm
if asked

so it wasn't any burning religious fervor

so i'm not sure what it was

but i suspect
it had something to do with you

so
do you suppose
i should take that as a good sign
or a bad sign
because
i really am not sure what emotion that was
i'm going with moved
but

i don't know
i don't really believe their messiah is coming
and that made me sad
maybe for them
but maybe for me too
that i don't believe

this wasn't really what i planned to say
and now i have to go

and there's something i'm worried about that i can't ask
and even if i could how could you answer

so
just imagine
i'm bringing you a jug
half full of little fishes

i find that image so evocative