in progress (still working, but)

i think
most of the baby dreams i've had
have centered around pregnancy
and i admit
i seem to have some sort of fetish
around the idea of fertilization
and all that seed of the womb stuff
which i always found somewhat yucky before
you bring it out in me, apparently
there's that other thing
i was never really into that before, either
it was more of a by request only kind of thing
until i had a dream about doing it to you
and suddenly
it seemed
appealing
maybe with honey from brazil

but when i woke up this morning
it seemed like you'd been in my head
it seemed like you were telling me you loved me
and that isn't the first time i've felt that happen
but it was different somehow
less like you were trying to make me listen
less like you were desperately shaking me
less like you were hugging me tight whispering in my ear: no, stay
more like something else...something...something i still can't quite describe

and the baby
he was already born
i was holding him in my arms
and, i've held babies, i'm not one of those people
who thinks they're gonna break the kid or thinks it's gonna go all bio hazard
but time was speeding up and slowing down in rapid succession
and i was worried i'd shake him unwittingly
gotta protect his precious little brain
and he strained in my arms
like he wanted to fly
and i looked in his eyes
really looked
and he wasn't just somebody's cute kid
he was made of me
and like yeah yeah, whatever, that's why people have kids
but it wasn't like that
it was intense
this kid was intense
and, to be honest, kind of frightening

i dreamed i had a baby

i don't have time now
but this was different
and i woke up
different
hopefull
i'll be able
to
explain

i'll think about it all day

by tonight

maybe
i'll be able to write about it

just blah blah, really

you know the step n tone shoes
they are l.a. gear
which is apparently some brand i should have heard about
and i really really like them
though i cannot attest to their toning ability
they are uber-comfortable

when i had my workout phase in college
i had this one thing
i would walk
and my legs felt springy
i loved that
it was a muscle thing i think
not a shoe thing
but now
i'm getting the same feeling
and
i'm sure it's a shoe thing

but my leg muscles
they haven't gotten sore
so
i don't see how they could be extra tonifying



i miss you


do i love you because you're such an enigma of a pain in the ass
or in spite of it

seriously
when i was like eleven
i read romance novels
(mostly for the sex scenes)
and a frequent plot device

woman loves man who is clearly trouble

is loved by man who is good for her

chooses trouble every time

i always thought:
what the hell is wrong with these women

later in life
i developed a theory:
never be the one who loves more


and
what happened to me

because
we got trouble
right here in river city
with a capital T that rhymes with P that stands for pool


or am i wrong

i meant to write this earlier, but then i forgot and just now remembered

i was trying to
when i went to sleep that is
trying to get into your head
i'm pretty sure i've done it before
but it's been a while
and i guess
i just wanted to be close to you

anyway
i couldn't do it
and then i was tired and just fell asleep

then
when i woke up
i was in a kind of a weird mood
so i was asking for some kind of insight
and
i just fell back asleep
but
i had this dream:

i was in a car
getting a ride
the dream started in the car
so i didn't know
not right away
why
i was getting a ride

this girl was driving

she had on some headset
might have been a hands free
that's what i assumed
and she was speaking japanese

not like she was japanese
in fact
i'm not sure now
i think maybe she was japanese
but she didn't speak japanese
i mean
she was
but not quite right
her cadence was a little off
she had pauses in odd places
she wasn't fluent
and
of course
i couldn't understand her
except
i could
a little
because she was thinking it so hard
i could pick up bits

she was describing
someplace she had been
and i kept getting
sky
she was talking about the way the sky had looked

and i was thinking
she was a little rude
for completely ignoring me
but
as i began to open up to the dream
i realized
we were driving down avenue b
away from my mechanic
toward my house

my mechanic and the several attractive sons and nephews
who have
over the years
given me rides
are all male
and
all greek

so
i do not know where this japanese girl
comes into the picture
and
as i pondered it
i am not even sure
she was talking on the phone
she might
indeed
have been
trying to learn japanese
from audio lessons


and
it was over
i was awake
and wondering
was that really japanese
how could i possibly dream in japanese
even bad japanese
what was that
about

last night's dream

i stayed at this small vertical apartment
one tiny room
on top of another tiny room
and
what i did there
was sort through records
presumably
my old record collection
from whenever
except
i didn't really recognize
anything
not even in the dream

but i slept
and took baths
and
listened to music
for days
and i came away with a large set of digital files

i returned
to wherever i lived
to a new job
i was an assistant manager
for some type of retail or cafe place
i was making the schedule
and i scheduled myself
to work from 5a-5p
giving performance reviews
then i checked with the manager:

i just scheduled myself to do reviews
then it occurred to me that i would not want
the new person doing reviews
might lower morale
do you want me to change the schedule

no, she said
go ahead and do them
it'll give everyone a chance to meet you

but
i had just gotten in
i was tired
it was thursday
the manager never posted the schedule till friday
so i didn't post it yet
because
12 hours is a long day of reviews
it's not like working 12 hours
i always hated doing reviews
i thought i might look over the schedule the next morning
with fresh eyes
and see a better way to do it
and still
get the schedule out
before
they
expected it


don't know what all this means
but
it was clear
and
i remembered it

pouring water

i woke up
i thought
i have to remember that
i have to tell him that

i went back to sleep

i can't remember
what i needed to tell you
so
i would be tempted
just to leave off

except

i have this one image

and
i'm not saying that
i know what it means
but
it is compelling
at least
to me

there is a tub
a really nice tub
maybe like one of those fancy
roman soaking tubs (i think that's what they call em)
and the faucet
it wouldn't shut off
it was just
pouring water
continuously
without end

and
for whatever reason
that made me kind of happy

ritualistic cooking and the chinese bed

i woke up
and
went back to sleep
multiple times
and
this story arc stuck through it all

i went to a grocery
a new one
kind of a health food store
it was really cool
this was probably inspired by actual events
except
as i was walking along noticing some acai cluster (candy i guess)
i also noticed, or maybe it was pointed out to me, shit on my heel
it was extremely sticky
difficult to clean off
i was wearing sandals, so it was my actual heel not just the heel of my shoe

there was more
i know there was more
but my recollection picks up when i get home with the food

i bought an enormous and beautiful chicken
which
even in the dream
i thought was a little strange
because i don't eat meat

so i am washing the chicken
submerging it
changing the water
submerging it again

then i go to prepare the fire

the fire is like something
but i'm not sure what
there are individual rectangular compartments
each with dual jets
about one and one half the size and shape of piano keys
they have letters associated with them
but not musical scales
rather the alphabet a-z
and
i am cleaning them
removing some sort of paper or boxing or whatever
and lighting the letters
that spell something
maybe it's a word
but
i think it's a phrase
because
as i am checking over it
i am returning to letters
which i have already lit
sometimes having to relight them

i will be roasting the chicken
or baking it
and the inside of the oven will have to be lit
before this can occur
all this spelling
serves some other function

reading and apparently spelling
when contained in dream-time
are problematic for the lucid mind
and so i have no idea what i was spelling
i tried to remember, i really did, but all i've got are two letters
there was a d
there was a y

while i was doing all of this and concentrating intensely
my mother came in
with some woman she was coaching or something
there was a bed in the kitchen
the client was sitting on it
and i couldn't figure out why they
didn't just go sit in chairs

and i talked
but i don't really remember what i was saying
i thought i was just talking about what i was cooking
making small talk or whatever
my focus was on the ritual

but

then i was at a stopping point
and the woman was gone
though i didn't remember her leaving

and my mother was saying:
did you have to tell her her outcome
now i'll never get a second consultation

what did i say: i said

you really don't know

no i really don't know

well, don't worry about it then

and we went downstairs and outside
and it was the house on west alabama street
the one i loved the most
and she was the most proud of
because she bought it for 17,000 dollars when she was a real estate agent
it was like it was years ago
before the house next door burned down
there it was
huge
covered with vines
and
out at the street
by the curb
but set up like a display
was chinese furniture
lacquered black
but old: not shiny and crass
comfortable
but slightly austere at the same time
we never had this furniture
but
in the dream
i remembered it with love

she said: you grab the table
i'll get these smaller pieces
you earned it

i looked around
i remembered there being a bed
it was not black
it was a combination of colors, including black
that left the over-all impression: orange
it was carved
and
kind of
but not exactly
a sleigh bed

but where
i asked her
where is

the chinese bed

so back to that dream

i think it was math
but maybe science
that i was failing

that was not so interesting
as the swimming (?) class
it was not swimming
and i'm pretty sure i've had dealings
with this before
it's in a round
stadium shaped building
and there is a tank
but it looks more like a ship
or a seafood restaurant
or something
with nets hanging
and wrap glass

and
i was in the locker room
which was more like a spa
and i was walking around and around
which was a bit like the key arena
and
i kept trying to explain
that i needed help:

i have some sort of dyslexia
no matter which way
i think is the right way
i always end up going wrong
i cannot get to class

they said:
you gotta be kiddin me
it's right there

take me
i said

we don't have time for
your jokes
they said

i'm not joking

it sucked

and

i cut my thumb
chopping onions
cause i have a sharp knife now
(really for a couple-of-three-months now
but this is the first time i've cut myself)
night before last
not a big cut
just a flap of skin on the end of my thumb
but
you know those sharp cuts
they usually heal slowly
so
i put a band-aid on it
because everything caught the skin
and
i hate band-aids
because
usually
when i take them off
the skin is all mushy
and it takes even more time for it to heal

but
when i took off the band-aid to shower
it was healed
with hardly even any scab
it seems like three or four days worth of healing
i'm not even sure i washed it out with soap

isn't that kinda weird
i mean
i've never been prone to infection
but
i don't think i've ever healed that fast
and i've got no coating on my tongue at all
but i'm not even really eating
that many leafy greens

my favorite foods
currently
are
peanut butter
hummus
and
refried beans
which
may be a protein thing
celery
is my only consistent green
with some steamed peas, broccoli, or cauliflower
most days
but not all
bananas
like one a day
but
all and all
i don't feel like i've been extra good

but i guess i'm not deficient, huh

diamond lotus

i had bad dreams
which i might get into later
but i don't have time
now
and
they weren't that bad
just banal bad
failing classes and such

but
there was this one part
that was
kinda weird

so
i'll mention it

something/someone was trying to get my attention:
no, pay attention
look at this

and there was
spinning in the air
above his head
a beautiful
flower
bigger than his head
diamond-like
in it's clear
sparkling
perfection

putting pillows on chairs and talking to david wolfe

i was some kind of decorator
at a furniture store
and i was
matching
pillows
to
chairs
only i wasn't doing it normally
where the pillow goes against the back of the chair
no
i was
placing the pillow on the seat of the chairs
they were hard wooden straight backed chairs
so
that made a certain amount of sense
but the pillows
were
beaded
feathered
extravagant
somewhat millinery
wonders

and
there is some element
missing
something i can't remember
i really didn't want to get up today
and i kept going back to sleep
and
as i would fall back asleep
i kept saying your name to myself
and trying to see
what the letters looked like
i have gotten some interesting images before
using this kinda psychic exercise
the most recent
(about a week ago give or take)
fragments of rainbow lights
shooting off in every direction
like fireworks
but
this morning
i got rock
viscerally hard and a bit craggy
and i wasn't sure
what to make of that
what's the salient factor there
rock
hardness
mountain-y-ness maybe, maybe not
maybe
maybe it's good to go with associations here
although, i'm not at all certain of that, but
but it reminded me of driving through oregon
where there are walls of rock on either side of the highway
i've seen plenty of rock face
in different places
but
today
the rock that was your name reminded me of oregon
but i don't know what that means, really

and i've been a little agitated

maybe you don't get me

then
nobody gets me
and i suddenly want to cry
am crying
in fact

shit

anyway
back to the dream
i was talking to david wolfe
he was saying he doesn't like buddhists
or that they don't like his philosophy
or something
because he doesn't eat fish
this didn't even make sense to me in the dream

i said:
i don't think that there is anything in buddhism
that mandates the eating of fish
and i have good feeling towards buddhists in general
i wouldn't say that i am one
or that my conception of the universe is buddhist
(although i did remember saying that about one big energy/soul
and i think that's kinda like nirvana
when you lose your individual-ness and become one
which used to seem horrifying when i was younger)

i said:
i think
my philosophy
is more in line with taoism, as i understand taoism
that there is one energy in everything
and you can go with that energy
or you can fight against that energy
and the one will lead to greater ease and happiness
and the other will lead to greater struggle and pain
buddhism is more about control of the self
tao is more about learning to just be

(zen buddhism
was heavily influenced
by taoism)

what does it mean that i'm talking to david wolfe
at all
much less about life philosophy

i just did that exercise again
and now your name is
a series
of
martial arts weapons in movement
so this is either
completely useless
or
related
in
some way
i
just
can't see yet

my dreams
and
this
here
now
i mean

and
i just had a random thought
jeff bridges
was starman

a little bed time story

let's-call-her-uma used to work with me
i was attracted to her
in the extreme
but
i never really wanted to sleep with her
i never really even wanted to
imagine
sleeping with her
not really
i just wanted to look at her

no one ever gets that

but i bet you do

the funny thing is
it was her girlfriend let's-call-her-twyla
that i ended up sleeping with

both uma and twyla knew i was attracted to uma
uma used it to her advantage whenever she could
twyla never held it against me
in fact
in a really really creepy moment
she wanted to show me some naked pictures she had taken of uma
which
especially at the point she wanted to show them to me
i really really didn't want to see

they had a really fucked up relationship

uma was from an i'm-gonna-say-wealthy background
and twyla was from an i'm-gonna-say-poor-white-trash background
i have a problem with rich/upper-middle-class people and i always have
i have a problem with poor white trash too
but we were the poor relations...so...

whatever
background

uma and twyla and i went out together sometimes
to the lesbian bar
twyla was tiny
well
maybe not shorter than me
but small boned, slim
somewhere between a pixie and a tomboy
with short strawberry blonde hair and freckles
i had never been attracted to her
i just liked her a lot
but she had been abused or something and she acted out her sexuality badly
she would get drunk, really drunk, on tequila
and sleep with people
(who in her defense were people known to her, not random strangers
but who were not her girlfriend, nor girlfriend approved)
this is how she got her son
for which her girlfriend never really forgave her
but
they were locked
don't you see
together
in
love

one night
twyla got drunk
and she put her mouth on my breast
right in front of uma
and
if i could explain to you all the stuff
that went through me at that moment
i can tell you some of it
all the stuff you'd imagine
fear, confusion, re evaluation, arousal, hey-i-didn't-have-anything-to-do-with-this-uma-please-do-not-punch-me-in-the-face
but also
some sort of weird kink-maternal thing
and the realization that on some deep level twyla must be attracted to me

tequila makes me accessible
hallucinogens make me transcendentally beautiful
whatever

anyway
it unsettled me
things progressed from there

but
whereas
uma was ginger
(for the sake of metaphor)
twyla was maryann
harder to keep at a distance

whatever
background

so she was my friend
and she flirted
and i flirt
but
i like safe flirting
if i'm having fun
or very cerebral flirting
if i'm being serious
but
she was neither of those things with me
and it was disturbing
so i took to teasing her
which, i mean, i'd do anyway with a friend
but
it was more like
when she'd kinda come on to me
i'd be like:


yeah yeah i could get ya any time i want
all i need is a bottle of tequila


and she said to me:

calling a woman a whore is not an effective flirting strategy


only she may not have put it in exactly those terms


anyway
i think i was using that
to try to keep her away
not to try to flirt with her

anyway
so
when we finally, um
got together

she said:
did you notice
i didn't drink
anything

don't have time right now (and besides i wanna think about it a bit) but i have a story i wanna tell you

somethin about a warehouse

i can't remember
most of the details
so really
i guess
i'm just
writing here
for an excuse
to tell you that i love you
and i worry about you sometimes
so please take good care of yourself

i remember i was in a warehouse, worked there i think

and there was something about
the way i was dressed
or getting dressed
or my clothes
i just don't
know
and
i had
a conversation
with my supervisor
about god vs religion
how i believe in the one
but not the other, really at all
how i don't think they are generally related

but then after i woke up i thought maybe that
wasn't good somehow, like maybe, it had really been
you [disguised] in the dream
and you'd interpret it as
losing my religion
or something
so
if
you're
ever hanging out in my dreams
i'm not trying to discourage you
or hurt your feelings-- just in case you'd ever be inclined to think that

i think it's weird that i worry about you misinterpreting my dreams
from the inside
i think
i think there is no good reason to believe
you can see into my thoughts
even if i think them at you very hard

yet still
i think, somehow, that maybe you pop in there
and take things out of context
when my subconscious
is in control

it's all got to do, i think
with my belief that we are somehow connected
and i wish i understood what i really mean by that

maybe we were together
in a past life
i used to believe in that
but
more and more
i am less and less certain
of the distinctness of the individual soul
more and more i feel that we are all parts of a bigger energy
which i like to call god

maybe there is a big pool of collective unconscious
from which we all draw
well
that all just confuses
what our connection to one another could be
outside the framework of our current timeline

there is something though
something that makes me feel you
through space and time
those energy orgasms
they come from you
but i don't know
if you know
that you're sending them when you're sending them
maybe
it's resonance

but
i don't know
that doesn't seem quite right either
whatever

there's a part of me
right now
that's snuggled up to you
cheek to shoulder blade
fingers wandering
across chest
stomach
tracking back up to hip
and down thigh
hovering
feeling for the subtle energies
to indicate
where next
and now
i'm rolling over you
in a way that is wholly non corporeal
pushing against you
cupping silken flesh
shifting their weight gently within my hand
stretching flexing my fingers
to broaden the scope of gentle reach
but never with any particular goal
tonight
tonight
i am gentle
it's late
and we're tired
i kiss you
feeling the slight fullness of your lower lip
and i try to remember how i used to do this thing
and
i keep my hand from your buttock
which i want to know
it is dark
i can't see
and
clothed
i can tell nothing
i restrain the blind woman in me
i rest the palm of my hand against the small of your back
and i don't need to remember the lip thing
because you are kissing me
and you have your own lip thing
and i have the lips for it
and we aren't even using our tongues
it's all very much
about the touch of skin
that is what i'm feeling
tonight
and
it could go so many ways from there
maybe we just fall asleep like that
in a state
more of deep intimacy
than high arousal
maybe
maybe there is forever
to learn you by touch

warning graphic content

i have rocked celibacy before
there was a time
when i just said:
enough
i don't know how to do relationships
i just won't do them

they were different though

they had as their object
keeping me from being
hurt
or
whatever

and

i was always able to
do me
so
it wasn't a big loss

this one has been different

sex has become more complex
and so it is difficult
to stimulate myself
adequately
in all the ways
that seem now to be necessary
simultaneously

so
while i have
over the last several years
managed to have
orgasms
as such
they have not been the voluminous
ejaculatory
multiple
hallucinatory
kind

so
it just seemed better
mostly
to leave off
and just have the energy kind
which are pretty good in general
though they don't leave one weak and dehydrated
*sigh*

but
i was thinking about the
must have sex before february 2011 thing
and i thought:
well
maybe
i count
and
besides
the whole thing was giving you a little too much power over me

and
i remembered
i have this spoon
that hits, as it were, the spot
and
i mean
i didn't just bang me
i did some stuff before
but
it culminated ok
i think
it could count as sex
standing in the middle of
the kitchen
i didn't see the lotus
or scarab
or whatever folding-in-on-itself yantra thing
that i see
in a really good orgasm
but
it was maybe five or six
and i had to
mop up

so
not bad
not sated
but
much less
tense
now

random mental wanderings (i can't remember last night's dream and i think it was important)

there was something to do
with a car
[WOW really amazing, a car you say]
and a diner
and some system
or secret organization
but it's just too washed out to remember
which pisses me off
because i know it was different

and
for something to be different
now
might be important
hopeful
at a time
when really
i could use a little

sometimes i know
and i just won't listen
but
now
it's like
i got no idea what's gonna happen
what pattern and shape it's gonna take
i just have this firm belief
that there are certain things i gotta do
even if they don't make sense
and
certain things
that when i think about doing them
i get so sad
that i know they can't be right

it would make me happier
if they all coalesced into a somewhat coherent picture
but
they do not

not at all

have you ever seen the movie
children of men
well
i've been thinking about it lately
the michael caine character
the one who lives in the safe house in the woods
when i saw that film
saw that house
what he did for people
saw him getting shot
the whole thing
i had this visceral reaction to it
that
somehow
that is
what i always thought i'd be when i grew up

which is patently ridiculous

because
i wanted to be
a dancer
an actress
a celebrity of some sort on the talk show circuit
a dancer again
a singer
an artist
a college professor
somebody who could pay her bills
somebody who could afford to buy a little bit of cool shit
somebody who took pride in what she did
a writer
a lover
a mother

but somehow
behind all of that
based
i guess on my gen x social inculcation
a firm belief in a distopic future
and my own natural tendencies toward
shamanism
hermitism
anti-establishment
whatever
= underground railroad
very strange

don't know why i'm telling you this

the even funnier thing is
when i would get really sad
or life became unmanageable
i would always soothe myself with thoughts of suicide
but
as from a few years ago
when i started to think of myself as a vessel
now
i don't even think that's funny
i would fight for life now
and that is so foreign
to my personality
that i'm not even sure who i am anymore

maybe
maybe i've really lost my mind entirely

but a desire to live and create life
hardly seems like a crazy thing
at least out of context
but the distinctly
sarah conner-esque
with just a soupcon (sorry no cedilla)
of old testament
feelings i have about the theoretical child
are maybe kinda crazy

i do keep trying to talk myself down
i just seem to be so sure

i got two different messages
at two different times
with specific information
one said:
as long as you have sex before february of 2011
you will have no problem
(uh oh)
although
i guess
technically
it didn't say with whom
*gasp*
(i have no plans to get laid)
or that any issue would come specifically from that
(but i ovulated today instead of the third, so...)
(god, i'm not even a chick now, that was such a woman thing, hmmm)
the other one said:
you'll have your daughter when you're 46
might all be bs anyway
who can say

doesn't look like i'm gonna sleep tonight

if it's all pretend
it's still real
but just so you know
i really really wanted to have your baby
and that's kind of a big thing for me

what the hell is up with me

from the moment
i first looked into your eyes
i have longed for you

sometimes
it has been
very specific
the longing

sometimes
just a crashing wave
of amorphous
aching
need

i have ached
ached to hear
just
one
real
word

well
really
maybe three

that can't be
explained away
taken back
as just my imagination
or delusional longing induced mania

i try to work around it
i never go a day
without thinking of you
have ceased to consider sex with anyone other than you
even an option
which
to be honest
freaks me the fuck out

in some ways
i feel i know you very well
in others
i worry that you are a complete stranger

and
maybe
you want me to think it is real
because
you believe that if i think it's only a muse thing
i won't maintain the intensity
that would make sense

which word should i take you at

what should i believe

if there's some special set of phrases
something you need me to say

i have been unable to say them

but
i have told you that i love you
and that
whatever it is you want me to be
i would try to be that
if you would only tell me

and
i have said from the beginning
or at least i thought i had
that i have needs
specific needs
really
just
one
specific need
in order to get the
what feels like the
whole rest of my life started

and
i get that that's difficult
and
i have tried to work around that
but
sometimes
i have to know something
and i ask
and then there's big trouble


i'm so in knots right now


what i want is for you to stroke my hair and kiss me and tell me that there is something that we can have together

sure
i'd like that to be a life together with a child and a home

but
what doesn't seem clear
what doesn't get through
is
i am not shopping around for a relationship
i am not trying you out

for better or worse
you're the one
and
maybe
for you
i'm a very needed ego boost

only now
maybe you're mad at me
or maybe
you're mad at something completely unrelated to me
and i just make it all about me
because i need to be upset
because then i get to pretend
you care

do you have any idea
how not able to deal with this
and yet still clinging to the dream
i have been for three years

can you see why
i would find it hard to believe
that you really want anything real from me
please tell me you can see that
(i mean you don't have to actually tell me)

i run scenarios
and i am shocked
shocked
by the bad deals
i would be willing to accept
if you were only willing to negotiate openly

i don't understand

the only frame of reference i have
that fits the pattern
is that you want to manipulate me
into doing things
which you can then
when they blow up in my face
say they were my own decisions
and walk away from

but that doesn't really fit the pattern

what's wrong with me
that i'm so scary that no man who loves me can talk to me unless he's drunk
what's wrong with me
that i still love someone so much who doesn't even want to say out loud
that he loves me [and i truly believe that he does with all his heart]
because why
because i'm going to entrap him?
because i'm going to ruin his status quo?
because i'm really that frightening?


my life makes no sense

not even a little


and
if you don't love me
or
you don't love me anymore
i have absolutely no ideas
about how to start putting the shattered pieces of my soul back together
so i really hope that is not the case

i'm so confused

also

i feel as though
i should be kind of
embarrassed
that
i kind of like
ed hardy
i mean
not every ed hardy
but the general concept

is that wrong

i mean
i'm not talkin about buying it
or wearing it
(although i could see a watch maybe)

i feel like i should be embarrassed
to admit
that i even like
looking at it

and i think
that might be a little strong, huh

and
while i'm discussing
bizarre
inappropriate stuff
when i was in vegas
i desperately wanted to buy you things
at the king baby store

www.kingbabystudio.com

and
where do you suppose that
comes from

imelda makes a come back

it has been bugging me
when i said i could have lost more weight
i don't like the impression that that leaves
i don't really think i should have
i mean
i'd like to snap my fingers
and have my best body option like now man now
but i think it's better
healthwise
the way i've been doing it

that being said
the reason
perhaps
that people are noticing i've lost weight
is that i had finally gotten some smaller pants
one of my genius shopping traits
i buy things that will stretch or whatever
and so
i've been still wearing
what now look like clown pants
and the new pants
are black linen like the ones i had
so i bought them
figuring they'd fit in 10 pounds
but they didn't
but they do now
now
don't get me wrong
i am still fat, okay
but
i'm liking it anyway
and pulling up the pants is getting irritating
so
today i bought more clothes

but i did not plan to buy shoes
but today i bought 3 pair
which is more than i have bought in
wow
like
3 years
combined
maybe four

and okay one pair has been on the agenda for awhile
a step and tone kind of walking shoe
but they're kinda pricey
and i'm spending all my dough on freaky food
but i found some for $20 at ross
they are like LA Fitness or somethin
so they probably won't last forever
but sketchers don't have a great track record with me either
and the ones i want are $200
whatever
blah blah blah

but the others
a pick stitch platform wedge clog
and an honest-to-god-heel
not like a spiked heel
but
back when i was younger
i had some beautiful shoes
i liked em so much
i had em in 2 colors
they were made by etienne aigner
who is not like jimmy choo
he doesn't have groupies
but he made clean understated shoes
with goddamn genius instep gussets

but for high-instep-girl they were awesome
but i got rid of them years ago
convinced
i'd never wear heels again

but today
shining at me from the clearance section
of tj maxx
soft leather shiny black etienne aigner 3 inch heels
and they fit kinda like a glass slipper

*sigh*

weird dream imagery

i can't remember everything

but i do remember
there was a cat
at least
i thought it was a cat

laying in a small pool of water
under the water
raising up occasionally
to breathe

but then it hadn't come up for a while
and i was doing something else
only vaguely aware
of the strangeness
of the cat
in water
but
i wasn't worried about it
it wasn't being restrained
the water wasn't deep

but then someone else came in
and i became aware of the cat again
was going to mention it to the other
and realized aloud:
it's been under a while
and there are no air bubbles coming up
oh my god
is it dead

we pulled it up
it was not a cat
it was a child
lifeless

there was another part
which
if i remember it
i'll add later

the pool was rather uterine
and we weren't as freaked out as seemed warranted
so i don't know

what the hell
does it mean

some sort of stream of consciousness

they say
if you become vegan
you won't get enough protein
and i was worried about that
and then i wasn't
i figured
if i lost some muscle
maybe
i'd be prettier
(seriously)
and it is possible that i have lost muscle

i had to lose 50 pounds
before i actually looked
like i thought i looked before
which is such a guy thing that it makes me laugh
and it's possible that when i reach my goal weight
i might actually have a pretty decent body
i can see the potential for it
but i'm possibly deluding myself in the same way
whatever
it doesn't do me any good to feel ugly
and i don't
but i find it hard to believe
you found me attractive before
that might be selling you short
and i don't mean it that way
i mean i wouldn't want to hit that, really
even though
in reality
it has only been with untouchable objects of desire
that i have ever thought like that
and there are plenty of cute fat girls
who look good fat
but i'm not one of them

but fat is such a good armor
and food is wonderful
there was never any incentive

and i probably could have lost more weight by now

but i haven't
i've only lost what i've lost
but
since i've been doing the thyroid thing
even though i've only lost 10 pounds
it seems to be making a difference
people are noticing
which is gratifying

and
i'm not sure what i'm saying

i used to think
i wanted to be wanted for other than my body
and that's true
but it wasn't as true as i thought it was
i found it depressing to be with someone
who had no physical attraction to me
so i worry
and
if you really understood how much
it might make me make more sense

i know it's crazy
i don't do anything to make myself
girlishly attractive
i am downright uncomfortable if i get hit on
i must send out signals to that effect
but
i really want you to think i'm beautiful

is that a chick thing

i got this eyeliner
(shocking, i know)
and i kinda painted it on
and
i didn't like it
it looked unnatural
but
my eyes were freakin huge

so
i guess
i could make more of an effort
like maybe
occationally

i'm writing this kinda willy nilly

i've had these very strange
dream images
that don't
in my estimation
make any sense
but
they are sticking with me
so i want to write them down

but
maybe you will read them
and find them disturbing
so i might not ought to write them
but i can't help it because of this one:

a small red frog
sitting in a puddle
a puddle of red
i'm not sure
i don't think it's blood
the frog seemed undamaged
i thought it might be one of those lick-y frogs
and the puddle a sort of watercolor-ombre-vermillion

the character seeing the frog
not me
some sort of secret agent
in a science fiction world
who picked up the frog
transformed it into a worm-like creature
stuck it into a fruit
and went gallivanting across the universe
going rogue as it were
to return the creature to it's homeland
like it was a sacred frog
she had to engage the help of her old friend
(apparently) angie dickinson
because the authorities were now trying to retire her

i don't understand any of that

it's the frog image that sticks with me
sitting in the puddle
looking up

and
maybe i should mention
one of the tarot decks i use
the seven of stones has a frog on it
which (the frog) sometimes represents cleansing
but in this case it represents motherhood beneath
a rainbow spectrum of indian mother goddess pictogram
which is to say lines with dot and raindrop shapes atop
the frog representing both the pregnant rotundity
and the squat traditionally employed
before the missionaries decided it was too sexual
and strapped them to their backs
legs in the air
not at all sexual
but perhaps one could argue anthropologically
it was about power, blah blah blah

and i thought
would have told you
that i received my first animal totem
from whoever it is that communicates
when i was about thirteen
and i would have told you it was bear
but recently
i've been noticing that i have
all these frogs
some carved wood or stone
some just memories
going back to
catching
and playing with them
as a small child
so i think
really
maybe frog was my first totem
but never officially given
so maybe not really a totem
maybe
more of an animal friend

whatever

the image remains
what do i do with it

what does it mean

and
maybe even stranger
in some ways
while all that was going on
i was in some sort of alternate reality
time bubble or something where i was living
in my aunt's old apartment
which was a tiny garage apartment
i think less than 400 square feet
it was quite, in fact, soundless
with the light streaming in the windows
and i thought:
why did i find this so small
there's plenty of room here
this is just perfect
and look
there's a balcony now
the balcony
just a framework
stand on the struts
or fall through

this seemed fine

but it doesn't seem fine to my waking mind
i had this dream four or five days ago
and i still keep returning there in my mind
it wants to be there
i feel happy in the dream
but i'm worried

i don't know how to go
with interpreting
there is a tree house quality
which could make it just another apartment dream
the lack of flooring
a dangerous thing
or a foundation to build upon
the soundless quality
the obvious floating dreamness
the bubble-like comfortable homeness
some sort of womb reference
or just a disconnect with reality

i know
i was telling myself something

what

but mostly
i want to know
is the little red frog ok

i learned something today...

well
it wasn't really today
it was some day this week
and
to be honest
i'm kinda sorry i learned it

you see
i never liked peanut butter
but at some point along the line
after i was grown even
i discovered that
that i like peanut butter candy
reece's and the like
but
i never equated that to actual peanut butter
i figured it was like any other candy
it doesn't really taste like what it is
well not what it's called
but that doesn't really matter
because
you know what the candy flavor means
whatever

but this week i discovered
quite by accident
that
peter pan peanut butter
tastes exactly like candy
and
even the small jars are not that small
and now all i want to eat is
peter pan peanut butter
and these gooey organic dates
unlike anything i've ever had before
(normally i can kinda take or leave dates)
but the chick at the organic co-op asked:
chewy or gooey
and now i wish i'd bought
more than one container
the dates at least are healthy
but that peter pan is like crack
or somethin


luckily
i'm luring myself away
(from consuming it for every meal--
i had my first peanut butter and jelly sandwich this week)
with this new sort of pilaf i came up with
gaba brown rice
black quinoa
hiziki
black sesame seeds
and tonight i had a sauce/broth with it
liquid aminos with saki
it's really healthy
and good
and

this is silly

but i really like the way it looks too

the last two nights

i can only remember
a very little bit
of some dreams
that had
i think
quite
a bit
of
information, which is to say, i'm sorry
i can't remember more of it, but
.......................anyway
...................night
...............before
.............last
.......was all
.....,,just

a walk

through some holiday some holiday in the park
like some maze of winter wonder
...............and i wish
..............i could
..........remember
.....specifics
...but
no


last night was much more

complicated, i

i remember
lying
on a
bed

looking into the eyes of a small child
but i don't know if it was my child
or not it was
your child
of that i'm confident
a little girl

and
i think i had gone back to school
to be certified in something
and i'm not sure if that was working out
and i think for one reason or another
that i was going to be separated
from the little girl

and
i think this was you
lashed out with some sort of power
in rage over the risk of
the separation
and
shattered
half
a
city
block


what do you suppose that means
when i woke up this morning
i was kinda freaking out
because it had
(the falling of the buildings)
this very tower-esque quality
and i tried to read the cards
over and over again
trying to calm myself down
but it's like i've got a short, lately
and it all bounces around
giving very choppy answers

it's like some sort of psychic a.d.d.

and the last time i asked for a sign

it seemed like the answer i got was a doozy
but i have no idea how to interpret it

i went to whole foods
the one i walked to before
only i drove this time
and they overcharged me
which they almost always do, actually
and it's usually only a dollar or so
and i used to never notice until later
and i just blew it off
but i have started checking before i leave
since it seemed to be a pattern
and
sure enough
only they had overcharged me
by like six bucks
and that was after the two bucks i caught at the register
and i started to just huff
but then leave
because the
customer service desk was closed
and i'd have to get back in line
and also some martyr complex
or victim mentality
or somethin

but
i didn't
i told myself:
that's really stupid
and
i ended up getting this guy
who's all like:
oh yeah what we usually do is give you the first
item of two that we screw up on free and then
the second one we give you the difference
blah blah blah
my refund was
fifteen dollars

for my trouble

so what's the moral of that story:

always shop in the wealthy part of town ?!?????!

i mean
there had to be
a serious message
in more than double your money back

and i'm gonna tell you about the dream... but first

i want to catch you up on stuff

i was sick
full-on
actually
sick
and i still am
a little
i pretty nearly lost my voice
and i have
residual
fluids
yuck
but
i never really felt as
oh-my-god-just-let-me-die
i used to get with the flu

that's one thing

also
for new years i tried a new wine
and i do believe it is my new house white
(my house red being the 14 hands red blend)
it is called evolution: lucky edition
and i have to admit
i was tempted to buy it just for the name
but i don't usually drink white wines
because they are too peach-y
or too acid
or too something
and i just like red wine
but
steve the wine vendor guy said:
it's a blend of 9 wines
it's not too anything
so i chanced it
you should try it, it's great
and i know champagne is traditional for new years
but
whatever

i discovered a new food
i hadn't ordered any of that stuff
(can't get it at the store)
so i got some raw tahini
(well it's got some cashew too)
some umeboshi paste
some black sesame seeds
and i mixed all that together with
trusty old brown rice vinegar
and
it's delish
but i don't know what to tell you that it tastes like
cheese
i'm going with cheese
but
i could totally thin it and use it as like
a thousand island-esque sandwich spread
or
if i stretch my imagination a little
it's kinda like a very relish-y mayo-y tuna salad
also
i had this pot-luck thing to go to
so
i made mac and cheese
and i forgot how much i love mac and cheese
which i actually made with cheese
i wanted to use smoked gouda
but the cheap grocery
doesn't carry it
so
i went with (a little) velveeta and (mostly) chipotle jack
and truffle oil
and margarine
coulda used more cheese
but it went over well

so i'm not completely out of touch
with "normal" food
if you call truffle mac and cheese normal

and
i've been buying pre-made hummus
because it's way easier than skinning chickpeas
and besides
the few times i tried
the texture was all wrong
and blah blah blah
but today
i made some pretty decent hummus
with
believe it or not
kombu
and umeboshi paste mixed in
the taste wasn't perfect
but the texture was spot on

and maybe
this isn't super interesting
but it is the stuff
that's getting me excited
so
i felt the need to jabber on

i had a very very strange dream last night

i was at some sort of
conference
or convention
or something
and

i'm hesitant to tell you this

i picked up some chick

who might
or might not have been
someone i used to have a relationship with
but
we didn't actually have sex
or anything
we just went back to the room
and lay together in the extremely narrow bed

there were these guys
sleeping on the floor
in this hallway
or alcove
or something
which was weird
but
it didn't seem to be all that strange
not in the dream
because i was talking to them
joking
friendly
not to the point of flirting
but comfortable

there was a guy
but it wasn't you
who was all
disapproving
and wanting to know all my whereabouts
i can't remember specifics
maybe
maybe i was splitting my energy
maybe i was just avoiding
but
i wasn't too happy with either of them

but
it felt like
some sort of compilation
of bad relationship bullshit
but without much emotion attached

so i went
out to the bar
and i start to talk to the bartender
but
for some reason
everything i say is too dangerous
he won't let me talk in front of others
so
for every line
we had to leave the room
and it was pissing me off to no end
what the hell did i say, anyway

so
and this is the weirdest part
even though the things in the dream were all not happy
i was very happy as i faded in and out of sleep
because somehow
i had the impression you were with me
though i wouldn't say you were in the dream
it was like
any second
you were going to appear
so i kept snoozing as long as i could

and i found these shoes
not even vaguely
something i'd wear
i have very specific shoe criterion
in real life

(not like when i was younger
and apparently aspired to be imelda marcos)

these shoes
in the dream
and i mean, i was very excited about them
square toed
ballet flats
with a bow (jeez)
black with a kind of pick stitch pattern
they fit perfectly
and i was trying to ask the bartender
about them
but then i had to wake up
so i never got the shoes
nor did i see you in the dream

and even though i woke up with a headache
i continued to have the residual feeling that
you were with me
not like a ghost
i can't explain it

and what the hell did that dream mean
there might be bits i can't remember
which might be important or clarifying
but i tend to think it was pretty sketchy

trying on hats

i was trying on
some hats
or
caps
really
i don't tend to think
i look good in most hats
but i like them so i keep trying
cause i think maybe they might, ya know
and sometimes they do look good
and sometimes
sometimes i buy one
but then it's too funky
or anachronistic or whatever
so then i never wear it
just baseball caps, sometimes

anyway
i was trying on these caps
not ball caps
the kind i've seen some other girls wear
and i don't like them on them
so i don't even know
why
i was trying them on
just for comparison
i guess

and this girl was with me
i sorta don't like her
she's sorta a bitch
but what're ya gonna do

i asked her:
how does this hat look on me
bad huh

and she was all like:
no it's good

and i'm all:
do i look like a hipster

and shes:
more like maria von trapp from the sound of music

that thyroid stuff really works

i've been taking it
like three days
and i've lost six pounds
i'm opening the capsules
under my tongue
first thing in the morning
and they have dessicated glandular stuff
with rosemary
(and other stuff)
they kinda remind me of liver
but i have to take them on an empty stomach
and i know it takes capsules
more than 30 minutes to dissolve
and i eat breakfast now-a-days
so i gotta do it that way

but
i'm very excited
i am now
thirty pounds thinner than you have ever seen me
which is not to say thin
definitely a ways to go still
but i'm pretty pleased with the progress

and you should see my skin

i mean
it's not twenty year old skin

but it makes me smile anyway

and
how is it that when i was a kid
i had a posed smile i could do for pictures
but now i don't
i just have my real smile
and it squnches up my whole face
how the hell am i gonna get any head shots

i'm not sure that the dream is as interesting as the vision

in the dream
there was a wedding
and then there was some bizarre game
where everyone played in traffic
but the traffic was somehow in a field
and the end result was a disturbing number
of mutilated corpses
that needed to be
cleaned away
the bride
sat
dead
still
beautiful

and
i have no idea what any of that meant
but i have watched a few episodes of walking dead
which manages to be really visually excellent
which i would not have thought possible
so maybe that's influencing

but the reishi
i don't know
it's effecting my brain
when i was on anti-depressants
everything was always going to be fine
almost to the point where i could have been
looking at a severed limb and think:
wow
now i'll be able to lay on my side so much more comfortably
but
it was excellent as a short term thing
because it let me
bounce myself out of the grooves in my brain
it let me see how it was not to be
depressed
and when i went off em
i learned that it was maybe the anxiety
which i hadn't really realized i had
which was the bigger problem

and
when i was on weed
i spun myself out into the fabric of the universe
to the point where
i really felt i could astrally project myself
to where you were
see things with you
have you in my head
i had visions
but sometimes
sometimes
i couldn't remember the names of people i knew
i was literally too far out

then
through detoxifying my body
then learning to trust what it tells me
i've had this whole energetic burst
but
there hasn't been much interface
with the universal consciousness
out there
it's all been closer
electricity running through me
spontaneous energy orgasms
but i have very little success with masturbation
which
(to be honest)
i rarely even try
anymore
it's much less satisfying
than the energy orgasms i'm having spontaneously
and
for some reason
i can't have multiples when i'm masturbating
(no energy loop maybe?)
and the singles feel more like a body function
so they make me a little sad

there was a time
when i was convinced
(and i wasn't on weed for this)
that you were sending me thoughts
and i would run to the shower
convinced that you were there with me
in spirit
lean into the wall
and bite my arm to muffle the screams

and
what the reishi is doing
is something like
if the anti-depressants were a sane thing
everything is a little more meta
and it's not like:
oh everything is all okay
it's more like:
maybe
maybe that all was sort of just me
not that you don't exist
not even that you don't think things at me
but
maybe it isn't really a two way thing exactly
what would that mean about me
and my capacity for 3D fantasy
and how could i actively engage with that

does that make sense

not like an:
omg i've just been mind-fucking myself
i'm clearly delusional
why does this have to come from outside myself
i'm such a loser

which is how i might have looked at it

more like:
i'm uninvested in the answers
because if i'm crazy
or have superpowers
or the ways those things manifest have changed
i'd like to use the information to have a lucid experience

i got a thyroid supplement
because i have actually known i had low thyroid activity
most of my life
but it was never low enough to medicate
and i wouldn't really want to medicate
but i decided it needed attention
and i think that decision was the reishi talking
not just the desire to have lost 100 pounds

blah blah blah
the visions are thin on the ground
generally
but last night
i had a sort of visitation
which could totally be the state between awake and asleep
but i had something that felt real
it was my son
and i was calling him zeke
which is a name i've always really liked
but it's not like i thought:
oh i'll call him zeke
i'm not even sure if i'd name him zeke
(it rhymes with geek
is that really wise)
but somehow that was his name
and he hovered around me
and then he went inside me
like:
here's a little preview for both of us
of how gestation might feel
we'll be psychically linked
only it wasn't words or anything
it was very strange but cool
he's really old but really new at the same time
and maybe
he's just a
potential reality
can't say
if so
he wants to be potentiated
he sought me out
bonded with me
but there is an element of fantasy
at least after the fact
because i see him now
[in my mind's eye]
with your beautiful soulful eyes
and that floppy green hat

this holds the spot for something i haven't written yet

there's a lot going on in there
(my head i mean)
and i have to get up early
i feel altered by the reishi
and lack of sleep
so we'll see
if
i dream

i'm reading this again today

and
i'm sorry
if it's scary
on oh so many levels

i don't mean for it to be

i just know that i can be difficult

i wasn't trying to make you the keeper of my

experience


what i was trying to say
was more like:

it's okay to tell me

you don't ever need to just shut down and tune out


or whatever
does that make sense

i would never say:

make it stay this way forever

it hasn't even been the same way for this amount of time

whatever

i need to shut up

i'm not sure if this is interesting

i ordered this slightly freaky food

dried hunza apricots
apricot kernel butter
reishi/shilajit/ormus tea

and i totally love them

i was going to do this cleanse
but i couldn't get all the elements together
and maybe, too, it was a little too weird

so
what i've ended up doing:

toast (hemp or multi-grain)
with apricot kernel butter
unfortunately
it needs a buttery flavor to make it delicious
so i'm cheating with smart balance light
my original plan was to eat it on celery
which tasted pretty disgusting as a combination
i love celery now, weird huh, didn't used to

i read this thing
about how cancer is really like
scurvy or pernicious anemia
(a metabolic illness)
and the remedy is B17
(which might be true, or not, can't say)
and we get B17 from seeds and pits and kernels
which we pretty much never eat

so i'm doing the toast thing for breakfast
the dried apricots and celery for snack or lunch
depending
i've got to figure out something to go on the celery
i don't like peanut butter
and i cannot have hummus with every meal
i mean
i could but i'm trying not to
i have my eye on this fermented kelp product i just found
and black sesame butter
but i don't have them yet

the tea tastes kind of like coffee, kind of
but i've been mixing the powder
(it's a powder)
into my pu'ehr tea
and i love it
hopefully it won't overstimulate my spleen or whatever

and i sometimes find myself
thinking
of special foods
i imagine would be extra special healing for you
which, for me, is maybe freakishly domestic
but then i think:
he probably won't want to eat for healing
which makes me sad
because i'm a believer

but that whole wanting to make you special food stuff
scares me, to be honest
i've never never ever not once in my life
had a relationship where i did that type of thing
i've done it (sometimes) for myself
but the idea that my desirability as a mate
might rest on having the dinner ready at a particular time
freaks me the fuck out


and i generated all of that
it came from
wanting to do for you

which i want you to let me
but not that you demand it of me
and would you
my gut feeling is no
or yes
what i mean is
that you'd kinda roll with it
that you know too
how that stuff
can be a comfort and a joy
when it comes from love and fun
but that it's a cold comfort trap
when it becomes an institution

mostly
mostly i don't think about that kind of stuff
mostly
i have focused on whether we will be compatible
in other ways
the ones i think are way more important

but i was thinking the other day
and i want to tell you:
the normal average person does not get to have
the moon-eyed goofy teen-aged quaking type of love
for years with the same person
they do not get to develop that love
so that life becomes a story
that you want to read the next chapter
that you never want to end
and i've had that
and i don't know
how much of that was me
how much of that was you
how much of that was fate
i question my sanity
frequently
but i never question
whatever this is
and i'm serious
whatever it is
i don't want it to ever end

so do me a solid
and don't ever let me ruin it
ok

i'm not sure when or where this started

i know
the origin
of some of the bits
but it would take too long

and i'm not one hundred percent sure where
this might all take place, i mean, it seems
to be near the sea, but it seems to be some
where desert-y

and the house is stucco or something like it
a long rectangular room
fireplace
kilim rugs
a large dog
maybe a wolfhound
or something like
the house is on a promontory
and it's the kind of deserted landscape
where one leaves the doors open
and the wind whips through

i have angora goats
i make cheese from the milk
there are fig trees
and i have a small garden

my dog and i
take long walks along the sea
which is not an ocean with big rolling waves

there is almost no furniture in the house
i think there's a long table against one wall
the kitchen and bathroom are
i think
physically separated
from the room which is the rest of the house
and the bed
is a built in niche
that separates the big room
from a small study
that you only reach by getting out the other side of the bed
i don't know if that describes it
the bed is draped off too

it's very stark
and
solitary
and i think i only go into town
every once in a while
to sell wool
or cheese
or pick up supplies

and
now that i'm thinking about it
there doesn't seem to be any obvious way
to incorporate other people into the fantasy

do you suppose
that really
it's more of
an inner landscape

or do you suppose
that i really
am
that much
of a hermit

i have been thinking about my dream life and wondering if i'd be any good at it-- i'm gonna go take a bath and come up with something coherent

to say about that
or
possibly
something else entirely

scribbling

be safe
where
ever
u
r
u
r
loved

this might be interesting, or it might not

i look for signs

and
really
i think they are better
when taken
as they occur

naturally
or whatever

but
sometimes
okay
maybe often
i try to ask for signs

which is one thing
when i'm asking for a sign
but
is a different sort of thing
when i'm saying something like:
if x is true
then show me a pregnant woman in a pink shirt
if y is true
then show me someone in a buc-ee shirt

and then i see a pregnant woman
in a burgundy shirt
and i'm like:
hey, that's not really pink
so then i see one in a sort of mauve sweater
and i'm like:
that's not really pink either
and i picture the pink in my head
and then i see a pregnant woman
in exactly that shade of pink
and i'm all like:
good that thing i wanted to be true
is so totally true

and then two days later
i see a tween in a buc-ee shirt
and i'm like:
crap
i can't remember what that was supposed to mean
but i think it was somehow contradictory to the pink shirt thing
and i mean
the pink shirt thing was
about my being able to have a baby
and the buck-ee shirt was somethin to do with beaver
but i can't remember what
and
there was a canadian coin with a beaver on it too
so
does that constitute sign of the beaver
or what

and then i have to
stop
and wonder if i'm all crazy and shit
but if you're worried about it
then you're not
right
whatever
crazy
not crazy
i just really want to remember what the buc-ee shirt means

happy thanksgiving

you know how people have a ton of left-overs after thanksgiving

well
i've never actually cooked a solo thanksgiving dinner before
and
while
if i'm cooking for me
i would know
i could eat one sweet potato
or a bag of brussel sprouts
and maybe somethin else small-ish
when i'm making
thanksgiving dinner
i apparently think
eight sweet potatoes
two bags of brussel sprouts
a pumpkin and half an acorn squash
and
five quarts of sorta french onion soup
seems about right

it doesn't even look like i've eaten any of it
i'll be eating this shit all week
good lord
what did i think i was doing

on the plus side
it was all really tasty
except
the soup wants rosemary

the sweet potatoes were the best thing
i learned from my past experience
this time i soaked the apricots overnight
and pureed them in the blender
before trying to mix them in
and pecan butter is delicious
and i had that maple syrup left over from the master cleanse
but they are really rich
so
it's good that they are delicious
because i have at least ten servings left

when i finish up this food
i think i'm gonna do some sort of cleanse
but i haven't decided what kind yet



i hope your day was everything
you could have wanted it to be

hey

i've had a really strange day

i can't remember my dreams
so i don't know if they were
strange
but
all day
i've been kinda twitchy
and
like a space cadet
and
sometimes
i wonder
when
i have some reaction to the world
that just sorta seems to come from
some
something
out there somewhere

i wonder
and maybe i should think i'm crazy for wondering
if it's got something to do with how things are with you

there are ways
in which i have never felt
as connected to you
as i did before
before something
someone
happened
like
maybe you can only be spread so thin
but
maybe
i just feel
something different than i did
and so i experience things differently
maybe i'm more psychically shut off
for sure
i'm less open
since i don't get high
i used to do that
pretty much every day
but i stopped that
a month or so before the cigarettes
and it's been
like about three times since then

i know i feel you sometimes
know when you read something i've written
but
like today
i wonder if you were having some sort of agitation
or if that's all just some unexplained brain chemistry for me
i don't know
and
i'm not saying
it's a vital national security issue either way
it just interests me

i also wonder sometimes
if you have any physical reactions from any sort of psychic link
maybe you don't
maybe
it's all conceptual to you
and that's okay too

really
conceptual
is already so much more
than i've ever found before
and you might say:
well, maybe you didn't really look that hard
and
maybe you'd be right
i wasn't really open to it
i like to do stuff alone
when i was travelling around alone
that was fun for me
i really enjoy my own company
eating out alone
people are embarrassed to do that
i love it
sometimes i try to fantasize about what it would be like to
live with you
and, really
i think you probably have a full dance card
are out doing things all the time
and maybe that'd be great
or maybe it wouldn't

maybe
and this seems likely
we'd have some period of adjustment
figuring out how to have together time and alone time
and if we were really lucky
it would sync up in a way that we both loved
i've never had that though

i picture you
not talking
much of the time
and i wonder
am i then running off to the computer
to write you things
maybe
and
at this point
i'd sorta hate to lose this
and maybe that's the craziest thing of all

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

i'm at this concert

the really strange thing
is
that there is
like a sports announcer
but not sports
you know
because
it's
music

but this guy
he's really famous
and old
and
at first
he doesn't like it
this music that's playing

it's too fragmentary
in it's melodic signatures
and it's unlike
the musician's other work

but i'm listening
and i'm hearing
like
the negative space
and
some sort of
underlying structure

this is kinda hard to explain

anyway
it's genius
breakthrough
somehow
the step he always needed to take
and
i'm blown away
and just frantically thinking at the commentator

just listen

and
finally
he does
and he says
pretty much all that stuff i just said
only better, clearer, golden, so the world knows

and
then
there was a really bizarre section
something to do with cake

i don't have time now, but later, i will write my dream from last night

and maybe some ramblings
depends
the dream
might be hard to decipher
but
definitely
somethin
for you later

the menu

so i'm testing recipes
and
brussel sprouts with chestnuts
rocks so hard
it's almost thanksgiving all by itself
i was pretty happy with preliminary rice
which i made without the thick shitake core
(to save a bunch of time
and cause i wanted to try
my walnut butter and brown rice vinegar sour cream)
do not scoff
it has changed my life
i use it in creamy salad dressing
and taco salad
and now
if i want a cream of mushroom soup rice
(yes my mother liked to cook with campbell's soup)
so sue me
i still miss that chicken/rice/cream of mushroom soup thing
occasionally
but
i think the rice is overkill
especially if i'm having bread
that's double grain
unnecessary
i'm also toying with the idea
of pecan butter in the sweet potatoes
with or without the dried apricots
i won't have time to test that
but
i'm pretty sure i made it with apricots before
a really really long time ago
and my recollection is
wow that was a lot of work
and
really
marshmallows are tastier
so
i was thinking
maybe pecan butter has a more similar flavor profile
i just thought about the apricots
because i've been reading about the hunzas' diet lately

http://www.alkalizeforhealth.net/Lhunzadiet2.htm

so ideally
it would be apricot pit butter
but i can't get that except online
(i don't think)
i just keep trying to figure out something cranberry
i have this thing i eat pretty regularly:
grapefruit + shred coconut + goji berries + shred wheat
(grapefruit is one of my favorite foods has been since forever)
and, if i ever associated those fruit salad-y things with tg
i'd totally throw in cranberries and call it a day
but i never did
and double grains
and desert seems like the obvious cranberry place
since it won't go with anything
but
no no no no no no
wait
i got it
cranberry-type kir/mimosa-y things
like a champagne punch
totally
i was gonna have that
14 hands
hot to trot
washington state red blend
and i still might, too
you should really try it
it's only like $9 a bottle
and it is seriously some of the best stuff going
i don't really need pie
if i'm having pecan butter in my yams
not really
i really want biscotti
but i think i'm unlikely to start making biscotti
for the first time
on thanksgiving
and
it's not very nutrient dense
and
it takes a long time

actually i just looked it up
and it doesn't take that long
so i make it on monday
it's not nutrient dense
but it is hella lowfat
and i love to dunk it in coffee

i don't know
i think a holiday
needs a special desert

will have to finish this later

i had this incredible dream

i got a job

at

quasi national geographic

there were yeti to pet

i was all

freshfaced and collegiate

with a ponytail

jogging

it was

so

much

fun

well it started out as last nigh't dream

i know there was college
again
i've just about decided
college
must be short hand
in my mind
for learning
or something like that
but
i don't think it's conceptually that simple

anyway
i'm studying english now
i guess
but i don't think i'm satisfied
with english
i think
i think
it's a little stuffy

i meet this woman
she's a professor
and she taught for years
in paris
but
she had this mode of dress
it looks like some
somewhat bizarre fetish-wear
but it is
in some ways
really more a form of observance
her outfit
skin tight
her breasts
constrained
reformed
shaped
like hammerheads
frightening

one day
she wanted to stop
but the parisian school
had too much invested in her mystique
which i remember thinking
was kind of style over substance
and camile paglia came to mind
but she wanted to escape
from the trap she had made for herself
grow beyond her hammertits and nailed down rhetoric

and i met her then

and everything about her
flickered
like an old silent film
and

there was this image

she was kissing
someone else was kissing
in the dark
flickering
overlapping
the image folded in upon itself
and then they were kissing
but they weren't

it was art
film
multi media
conceptual

i'm not even sure what to call it

a shadow play
butterfly erotic


and did you know how much i wanted to throw you against a wall
and ravish you when you said you would rue it
i think you did
and you didn't want me too
or maybe you did
did want me to
but you always
want me to stop
you give
quite a clear
actually
it isn't clear at all
at first
i thought it was fear
and maybe
it is a little
but
i think
it's more like
i'm burning you
hurting you
you need to be three rooms away
safe
and
i don't know
that was a long time ago now


but i spend a lot of time
trying to imagine
something
anything
i can do
to

seduce you

i feel this need

to gentle you somehow
to get the yes vibration that i need

but then
too
i get this really strong
rip the damn band-aid off vibration
which makes me uncomfortable for two reasons
it kinda turns me off
and
if i'm wrong
it's all ruined
and
if it's all gonna be ruined
i want it to have been
something i wanted to do
which
as soon as you're backing away
it isn't

i know what your lips will feel like
but your tongue is a mystery to me
it seems to me
suddenly
when i imagine french kissing you
that i am perhaps
too aggressive
i haven't had a lover who wasn't passive
for like 17 years

you wouldn't know how to approach me
and i wouldn't know how to tell you to

but i have these fantasies
where you unequivocally stake your claim
and tell me how you're going to fill me with your seed
sometimes with hair pulling
and admonitions about keeping you waiting so long

i have other ones too

and sometimes you're not active
but i would never say you're passive
you always have passion for me
you always want me

you look at me across a room
and say:
i need you
and
she clenches involuntarily

but you'll deny me too
have no idea what i'm talking about
and
psychologically
you know what the most obvious reason for that is, right
but it doesn't fit the pattern

if we had done it
the first night i met you
maybe it would have been great
or maybe not
but i doubt it would have led to the great passion of my life

which you are
so much more now
than when i first told you

the love has seasoned
like a cast iron skillet

you'd think i'd have a better grasp of the cooking

just a little snatch of dream

you looked
just like
someone
i can't remember who
not like yourself, really
but not unlike
either
there was some
component
animal magnetism
a lankiness
that you have
maybe
more in my mind
than in reality
in the dream
you were some actor
i don't much like actors
as a rule
but
that wasn't bothering me

we were at a party
trying to be alone
in a group
and
we were succeeding
we were mingling
working the group
but we were so locked
energetically
it was like we were

you know

right there
in the middle of everyone
but no one could see

i didn't look like me either

while you had that:
you know what they say about thin guys thing
pulsing around you
i
was
i'm not even sure how to describe me
venus on the half shell
a sunflower
glowing
not some mata hari
not some barbie doll
but i'd have to call me femininealthough
i hate that word
it was a really good thing
as illustrated
in the dream

and

at one point

we were standing
close to one another

maybe we were even talking to other people

and i felt you


like a key
in the lock


and
it took my breath away

i just realized something

i have no idea whatsoever
what
i'm going to eat for thanksgiving

it was really my only holiday

and i'm not sure how it works now

i might have gotten tofurky
if it had happened earlier in my food journey
but
i'm now feeling
that processed soy fake meat
is worse
than carcass

and
i mean
i could just eat the turkey
festival meat seems to make some sense
and i eat fish
sometimes
so
what's the big deal
but

i don't want to have a feeding frenzy

i don't want to eat that stuff or that way

maybe someday

but i'm not far enough removed from it
not yet

but
it's my one holiday

and
maybe
it just comes off as whine-y
(if so that isn't how i mean it)
these are choices i am making, not restrictions
i'm not all orthorexic
or whatever
i'm mostly eating what i feel drawn to
which varies
but
i feel repelled by the idea
of turkey
or tofurky


i keep thinking it'll come to me
but i'm gonna have to shop soon

isn't that weird

how do you celebrate a festival to stuffing your face
when you don't like to do that anymore

i thought about fasting
but that seems too reactionary

so i can go
harvest festival
with squash and root vegetables and whatever
or i can go
raw mock turkey loaf
(which i got a whole foods and it's delicious)
but i have not perfected making it yet

it needs to be all special and ritual-y
not just something that tastes good

maybe some sort of mushroom rice for earthiness
and sweet potato baked with apricots for sweetness
maybe some sort of soup served in a small baked pumpkin for savoriness
and seeduction bread with a little goat cheese schmear

does that hold together, i'm not sure

and what about a green vegetable
brussel sprouts with chestnuts
that sounds good
and seems seasonal
i'm tempted to go asparagus but that's spring, right

is that all too heavy
or just the right amount of heavy
it doesn't seem right
but i'm not sure what's wrong with it

i looked to see what movies were out and i saw/ that they made a film/ of for colored girls

which i may
or may not
go see
i'm not sure yet
but
it did make me remember something
i had forgotten

ntozake shange
she taught at the university i attended
and
i signed up for an acting class she taught
i wasn't really wanting to act
so much
i just wanted to study something with her
and
blah blah blah
i'd had intro to theater
where we did some improv and shit
i figured i could handle it
although
the thing that i do
i think i already knew
wasn't acting, exactly

so i show up to class
and we do improv
and i'm supposed to be standing at a bus stop
and
when it's over
she uses what i did
as an example

of business
(little physical shit you do to fill in the space)

and i think:
well
maybe that's good
or maybe that's bad
but it's not nothing
so
cool

but then she starts talking about her philosophy

how she had a girl once
who was supposed to be playing
downtrodden
and she just wasn't believable
cause
ya know
she was all like
upper middle class
and pampered
and shit

so the way
ms shange
got her to the place she needed her to be
for the performance
was to improv

a gang rape

and then
you know
they had to calm her down
for about an hour
but she never came across all privileged
anymore



and it was all i could do
to stay in the room
until the end
of that
day


i ran
not walked
to drop that class


acting
wasn't an art
i wanted to suffer for
and
i figured i
really knew
all i
needed
to know
about
ms
shange

my thoughts are so scattered

i keep thinking
all these fragmentary thoughts
i keep not being able to remember my dreams
i've been exposed
and exposed
to illness
and
i'm not exactly getting sick
it's really weird
my glands in my throat are swollen
have been for almost a week
and i have been having headaches
it's like i'm processing the toxins
but it's very different
and my brain has been functioning differently

i need to go to sleep now
so i have to make this short-ish

i've been thinking about
fantasies
that i had
at various times
over the last few years
and becoming
overstimulated

one involves breast milk
and you
and i wonder
i wonder a lot
how out there you might be
or maybe not
maybe
when i mention all the freaky things i mention
that seem pretty normal to discuss
which for me
are
inextricably grounded
in theory
identity politics
whatever
but
how would i know
maybe
you have completely different frames of reference

and
hey
i'm getting
that most people must not start off
with all the boxes they don't want to be put in
but i felt more comfortable with that than
i would have with building myself a box and labeling it

and
it's totally ok if i'm not making any sense
i'm running with it
i'm sorta sick and stuff

i just have all these puzzle pieces
and rather than focusing on the bit of picture
that i can see
i've been focusing on the other stuff

in some way i guess i haven't done before
not just filling in the picture
i guess
maybe

what are the things
you think
but
don't say
or maybe
you don't have a million things buzzing around in your head
maybe
it's all imediate and tactile

i have this fear
that i inspire love but not desire
but i'm not sure if it has it's basis in reality
and part of me is very concerned about that
and part of me isn't

and all this
remarkably
as crazy-making as it sounds
has me in a semi-constant state of arousal

and i think:
what if
what if he's much less complex than you think he is
what if he's provincial
and then i shift everything around in my head

it's like i suddenly realized
how much there still is to learn

i found this, and since i threw out the whole dom thing a while back...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeidIZvh7zg

i don't enjoy psychological control
so i can't see myself as a dom
or a sub
for that matter

i was very attracted to the concept
of negotiation
and consent

i like the aspect of role play that brings out
the bits and pieces of who one is
but the idea of scripting
doesn't seem improv enough to be real life like
but the idea
just the idea
of knowing
exactly what a lover needs
not so much physically, really
i mean to work through something
or get at some layer of desire or kink or whatever

that seems to me to be the opposite of psychological control
but maybe it's not
maybe that is some sort of control
i don't know

i haven't really done as much of that
as i think i'd like
but i don't want
ever
to feel like i'm forcing anything
i find that like a super yuck

but you see the perspective, right


i have had a few submission fantasies
well, no, maybe just one
that i would call actual submission
and it's very halloween actually
i've had it since i was maybe 13 or so
before i read the claiming of sleeping beauty series
i'm in a ritual
with witches
running in circles
dancing around a fire
and they pick me up
bodily
i've completely submitted to the frenzy
and they impale me on
it varies

strangely
when i was in germany
in some museum i now can't remember which
there was this carved wooden sculpture
with an enormous phallus
and i had this really strong reaction to it
like i recognized it
like it was calling to me

i dreamed i was in college, again, but i was all buying tshirts and halloween cookies and taking comfort in p.e.--weird, huh

was that last dream too freaky and intense