a little bed time story

let's-call-her-uma used to work with me
i was attracted to her
in the extreme
but
i never really wanted to sleep with her
i never really even wanted to
imagine
sleeping with her
not really
i just wanted to look at her

no one ever gets that

but i bet you do

the funny thing is
it was her girlfriend let's-call-her-twyla
that i ended up sleeping with

both uma and twyla knew i was attracted to uma
uma used it to her advantage whenever she could
twyla never held it against me
in fact
in a really really creepy moment
she wanted to show me some naked pictures she had taken of uma
which
especially at the point she wanted to show them to me
i really really didn't want to see

they had a really fucked up relationship

uma was from an i'm-gonna-say-wealthy background
and twyla was from an i'm-gonna-say-poor-white-trash background
i have a problem with rich/upper-middle-class people and i always have
i have a problem with poor white trash too
but we were the poor relations...so...

whatever
background

uma and twyla and i went out together sometimes
to the lesbian bar
twyla was tiny
well
maybe not shorter than me
but small boned, slim
somewhere between a pixie and a tomboy
with short strawberry blonde hair and freckles
i had never been attracted to her
i just liked her a lot
but she had been abused or something and she acted out her sexuality badly
she would get drunk, really drunk, on tequila
and sleep with people
(who in her defense were people known to her, not random strangers
but who were not her girlfriend, nor girlfriend approved)
this is how she got her son
for which her girlfriend never really forgave her
but
they were locked
don't you see
together
in
love

one night
twyla got drunk
and she put her mouth on my breast
right in front of uma
and
if i could explain to you all the stuff
that went through me at that moment
i can tell you some of it
all the stuff you'd imagine
fear, confusion, re evaluation, arousal, hey-i-didn't-have-anything-to-do-with-this-uma-please-do-not-punch-me-in-the-face
but also
some sort of weird kink-maternal thing
and the realization that on some deep level twyla must be attracted to me

tequila makes me accessible
hallucinogens make me transcendentally beautiful
whatever

anyway
it unsettled me
things progressed from there

but
whereas
uma was ginger
(for the sake of metaphor)
twyla was maryann
harder to keep at a distance

whatever
background

so she was my friend
and she flirted
and i flirt
but
i like safe flirting
if i'm having fun
or very cerebral flirting
if i'm being serious
but
she was neither of those things with me
and it was disturbing
so i took to teasing her
which, i mean, i'd do anyway with a friend
but
it was more like
when she'd kinda come on to me
i'd be like:


yeah yeah i could get ya any time i want
all i need is a bottle of tequila


and she said to me:

calling a woman a whore is not an effective flirting strategy


only she may not have put it in exactly those terms


anyway
i think i was using that
to try to keep her away
not to try to flirt with her

anyway
so
when we finally, um
got together

she said:
did you notice
i didn't drink
anything