i'm writing this kinda willy nilly

i've had these very strange
dream images
that don't
in my estimation
make any sense
but
they are sticking with me
so i want to write them down

but
maybe you will read them
and find them disturbing
so i might not ought to write them
but i can't help it because of this one:

a small red frog
sitting in a puddle
a puddle of red
i'm not sure
i don't think it's blood
the frog seemed undamaged
i thought it might be one of those lick-y frogs
and the puddle a sort of watercolor-ombre-vermillion

the character seeing the frog
not me
some sort of secret agent
in a science fiction world
who picked up the frog
transformed it into a worm-like creature
stuck it into a fruit
and went gallivanting across the universe
going rogue as it were
to return the creature to it's homeland
like it was a sacred frog
she had to engage the help of her old friend
(apparently) angie dickinson
because the authorities were now trying to retire her

i don't understand any of that

it's the frog image that sticks with me
sitting in the puddle
looking up

and
maybe i should mention
one of the tarot decks i use
the seven of stones has a frog on it
which (the frog) sometimes represents cleansing
but in this case it represents motherhood beneath
a rainbow spectrum of indian mother goddess pictogram
which is to say lines with dot and raindrop shapes atop
the frog representing both the pregnant rotundity
and the squat traditionally employed
before the missionaries decided it was too sexual
and strapped them to their backs
legs in the air
not at all sexual
but perhaps one could argue anthropologically
it was about power, blah blah blah

and i thought
would have told you
that i received my first animal totem
from whoever it is that communicates
when i was about thirteen
and i would have told you it was bear
but recently
i've been noticing that i have
all these frogs
some carved wood or stone
some just memories
going back to
catching
and playing with them
as a small child
so i think
really
maybe frog was my first totem
but never officially given
so maybe not really a totem
maybe
more of an animal friend

whatever

the image remains
what do i do with it

what does it mean

and
maybe even stranger
in some ways
while all that was going on
i was in some sort of alternate reality
time bubble or something where i was living
in my aunt's old apartment
which was a tiny garage apartment
i think less than 400 square feet
it was quite, in fact, soundless
with the light streaming in the windows
and i thought:
why did i find this so small
there's plenty of room here
this is just perfect
and look
there's a balcony now
the balcony
just a framework
stand on the struts
or fall through

this seemed fine

but it doesn't seem fine to my waking mind
i had this dream four or five days ago
and i still keep returning there in my mind
it wants to be there
i feel happy in the dream
but i'm worried

i don't know how to go
with interpreting
there is a tree house quality
which could make it just another apartment dream
the lack of flooring
a dangerous thing
or a foundation to build upon
the soundless quality
the obvious floating dreamness
the bubble-like comfortable homeness
some sort of womb reference
or just a disconnect with reality

i know
i was telling myself something

what

but mostly
i want to know
is the little red frog ok