i'm not sure if this is interesting

i ordered this slightly freaky food

dried hunza apricots
apricot kernel butter
reishi/shilajit/ormus tea

and i totally love them

i was going to do this cleanse
but i couldn't get all the elements together
and maybe, too, it was a little too weird

so
what i've ended up doing:

toast (hemp or multi-grain)
with apricot kernel butter
unfortunately
it needs a buttery flavor to make it delicious
so i'm cheating with smart balance light
my original plan was to eat it on celery
which tasted pretty disgusting as a combination
i love celery now, weird huh, didn't used to

i read this thing
about how cancer is really like
scurvy or pernicious anemia
(a metabolic illness)
and the remedy is B17
(which might be true, or not, can't say)
and we get B17 from seeds and pits and kernels
which we pretty much never eat

so i'm doing the toast thing for breakfast
the dried apricots and celery for snack or lunch
depending
i've got to figure out something to go on the celery
i don't like peanut butter
and i cannot have hummus with every meal
i mean
i could but i'm trying not to
i have my eye on this fermented kelp product i just found
and black sesame butter
but i don't have them yet

the tea tastes kind of like coffee, kind of
but i've been mixing the powder
(it's a powder)
into my pu'ehr tea
and i love it
hopefully it won't overstimulate my spleen or whatever

and i sometimes find myself
thinking
of special foods
i imagine would be extra special healing for you
which, for me, is maybe freakishly domestic
but then i think:
he probably won't want to eat for healing
which makes me sad
because i'm a believer

but that whole wanting to make you special food stuff
scares me, to be honest
i've never never ever not once in my life
had a relationship where i did that type of thing
i've done it (sometimes) for myself
but the idea that my desirability as a mate
might rest on having the dinner ready at a particular time
freaks me the fuck out


and i generated all of that
it came from
wanting to do for you

which i want you to let me
but not that you demand it of me
and would you
my gut feeling is no
or yes
what i mean is
that you'd kinda roll with it
that you know too
how that stuff
can be a comfort and a joy
when it comes from love and fun
but that it's a cold comfort trap
when it becomes an institution

mostly
mostly i don't think about that kind of stuff
mostly
i have focused on whether we will be compatible
in other ways
the ones i think are way more important

but i was thinking the other day
and i want to tell you:
the normal average person does not get to have
the moon-eyed goofy teen-aged quaking type of love
for years with the same person
they do not get to develop that love
so that life becomes a story
that you want to read the next chapter
that you never want to end
and i've had that
and i don't know
how much of that was me
how much of that was you
how much of that was fate
i question my sanity
frequently
but i never question
whatever this is
and i'm serious
whatever it is
i don't want it to ever end

so do me a solid
and don't ever let me ruin it
ok