i just realized something

i have no idea whatsoever
what
i'm going to eat for thanksgiving

it was really my only holiday

and i'm not sure how it works now

i might have gotten tofurky
if it had happened earlier in my food journey
but
i'm now feeling
that processed soy fake meat
is worse
than carcass

and
i mean
i could just eat the turkey
festival meat seems to make some sense
and i eat fish
sometimes
so
what's the big deal
but

i don't want to have a feeding frenzy

i don't want to eat that stuff or that way

maybe someday

but i'm not far enough removed from it
not yet

but
it's my one holiday

and
maybe
it just comes off as whine-y
(if so that isn't how i mean it)
these are choices i am making, not restrictions
i'm not all orthorexic
or whatever
i'm mostly eating what i feel drawn to
which varies
but
i feel repelled by the idea
of turkey
or tofurky


i keep thinking it'll come to me
but i'm gonna have to shop soon

isn't that weird

how do you celebrate a festival to stuffing your face
when you don't like to do that anymore

i thought about fasting
but that seems too reactionary

so i can go
harvest festival
with squash and root vegetables and whatever
or i can go
raw mock turkey loaf
(which i got a whole foods and it's delicious)
but i have not perfected making it yet

it needs to be all special and ritual-y
not just something that tastes good

maybe some sort of mushroom rice for earthiness
and sweet potato baked with apricots for sweetness
maybe some sort of soup served in a small baked pumpkin for savoriness
and seeduction bread with a little goat cheese schmear

does that hold together, i'm not sure

and what about a green vegetable
brussel sprouts with chestnuts
that sounds good
and seems seasonal
i'm tempted to go asparagus but that's spring, right

is that all too heavy
or just the right amount of heavy
it doesn't seem right
but i'm not sure what's wrong with it