i'm not sure that the dream is as interesting as the vision

in the dream
there was a wedding
and then there was some bizarre game
where everyone played in traffic
but the traffic was somehow in a field
and the end result was a disturbing number
of mutilated corpses
that needed to be
cleaned away
the bride
sat
dead
still
beautiful

and
i have no idea what any of that meant
but i have watched a few episodes of walking dead
which manages to be really visually excellent
which i would not have thought possible
so maybe that's influencing

but the reishi
i don't know
it's effecting my brain
when i was on anti-depressants
everything was always going to be fine
almost to the point where i could have been
looking at a severed limb and think:
wow
now i'll be able to lay on my side so much more comfortably
but
it was excellent as a short term thing
because it let me
bounce myself out of the grooves in my brain
it let me see how it was not to be
depressed
and when i went off em
i learned that it was maybe the anxiety
which i hadn't really realized i had
which was the bigger problem

and
when i was on weed
i spun myself out into the fabric of the universe
to the point where
i really felt i could astrally project myself
to where you were
see things with you
have you in my head
i had visions
but sometimes
sometimes
i couldn't remember the names of people i knew
i was literally too far out

then
through detoxifying my body
then learning to trust what it tells me
i've had this whole energetic burst
but
there hasn't been much interface
with the universal consciousness
out there
it's all been closer
electricity running through me
spontaneous energy orgasms
but i have very little success with masturbation
which
(to be honest)
i rarely even try
anymore
it's much less satisfying
than the energy orgasms i'm having spontaneously
and
for some reason
i can't have multiples when i'm masturbating
(no energy loop maybe?)
and the singles feel more like a body function
so they make me a little sad

there was a time
when i was convinced
(and i wasn't on weed for this)
that you were sending me thoughts
and i would run to the shower
convinced that you were there with me
in spirit
lean into the wall
and bite my arm to muffle the screams

and
what the reishi is doing
is something like
if the anti-depressants were a sane thing
everything is a little more meta
and it's not like:
oh everything is all okay
it's more like:
maybe
maybe that all was sort of just me
not that you don't exist
not even that you don't think things at me
but
maybe it isn't really a two way thing exactly
what would that mean about me
and my capacity for 3D fantasy
and how could i actively engage with that

does that make sense

not like an:
omg i've just been mind-fucking myself
i'm clearly delusional
why does this have to come from outside myself
i'm such a loser

which is how i might have looked at it

more like:
i'm uninvested in the answers
because if i'm crazy
or have superpowers
or the ways those things manifest have changed
i'd like to use the information to have a lucid experience

i got a thyroid supplement
because i have actually known i had low thyroid activity
most of my life
but it was never low enough to medicate
and i wouldn't really want to medicate
but i decided it needed attention
and i think that decision was the reishi talking
not just the desire to have lost 100 pounds

blah blah blah
the visions are thin on the ground
generally
but last night
i had a sort of visitation
which could totally be the state between awake and asleep
but i had something that felt real
it was my son
and i was calling him zeke
which is a name i've always really liked
but it's not like i thought:
oh i'll call him zeke
i'm not even sure if i'd name him zeke
(it rhymes with geek
is that really wise)
but somehow that was his name
and he hovered around me
and then he went inside me
like:
here's a little preview for both of us
of how gestation might feel
we'll be psychically linked
only it wasn't words or anything
it was very strange but cool
he's really old but really new at the same time
and maybe
he's just a
potential reality
can't say
if so
he wants to be potentiated
he sought me out
bonded with me
but there is an element of fantasy
at least after the fact
because i see him now
[in my mind's eye]
with your beautiful soulful eyes
and that floppy green hat