what the hell is up with me

from the moment
i first looked into your eyes
i have longed for you

sometimes
it has been
very specific
the longing

sometimes
just a crashing wave
of amorphous
aching
need

i have ached
ached to hear
just
one
real
word

well
really
maybe three

that can't be
explained away
taken back
as just my imagination
or delusional longing induced mania

i try to work around it
i never go a day
without thinking of you
have ceased to consider sex with anyone other than you
even an option
which
to be honest
freaks me the fuck out

in some ways
i feel i know you very well
in others
i worry that you are a complete stranger

and
maybe
you want me to think it is real
because
you believe that if i think it's only a muse thing
i won't maintain the intensity
that would make sense

which word should i take you at

what should i believe

if there's some special set of phrases
something you need me to say

i have been unable to say them

but
i have told you that i love you
and that
whatever it is you want me to be
i would try to be that
if you would only tell me

and
i have said from the beginning
or at least i thought i had
that i have needs
specific needs
really
just
one
specific need
in order to get the
what feels like the
whole rest of my life started

and
i get that that's difficult
and
i have tried to work around that
but
sometimes
i have to know something
and i ask
and then there's big trouble


i'm so in knots right now


what i want is for you to stroke my hair and kiss me and tell me that there is something that we can have together

sure
i'd like that to be a life together with a child and a home

but
what doesn't seem clear
what doesn't get through
is
i am not shopping around for a relationship
i am not trying you out

for better or worse
you're the one
and
maybe
for you
i'm a very needed ego boost

only now
maybe you're mad at me
or maybe
you're mad at something completely unrelated to me
and i just make it all about me
because i need to be upset
because then i get to pretend
you care

do you have any idea
how not able to deal with this
and yet still clinging to the dream
i have been for three years

can you see why
i would find it hard to believe
that you really want anything real from me
please tell me you can see that
(i mean you don't have to actually tell me)

i run scenarios
and i am shocked
shocked
by the bad deals
i would be willing to accept
if you were only willing to negotiate openly

i don't understand

the only frame of reference i have
that fits the pattern
is that you want to manipulate me
into doing things
which you can then
when they blow up in my face
say they were my own decisions
and walk away from

but that doesn't really fit the pattern

what's wrong with me
that i'm so scary that no man who loves me can talk to me unless he's drunk
what's wrong with me
that i still love someone so much who doesn't even want to say out loud
that he loves me [and i truly believe that he does with all his heart]
because why
because i'm going to entrap him?
because i'm going to ruin his status quo?
because i'm really that frightening?


my life makes no sense

not even a little


and
if you don't love me
or
you don't love me anymore
i have absolutely no ideas
about how to start putting the shattered pieces of my soul back together
so i really hope that is not the case