hey

i've had a really strange day

i can't remember my dreams
so i don't know if they were
strange
but
all day
i've been kinda twitchy
and
like a space cadet
and
sometimes
i wonder
when
i have some reaction to the world
that just sorta seems to come from
some
something
out there somewhere

i wonder
and maybe i should think i'm crazy for wondering
if it's got something to do with how things are with you

there are ways
in which i have never felt
as connected to you
as i did before
before something
someone
happened
like
maybe you can only be spread so thin
but
maybe
i just feel
something different than i did
and so i experience things differently
maybe i'm more psychically shut off
for sure
i'm less open
since i don't get high
i used to do that
pretty much every day
but i stopped that
a month or so before the cigarettes
and it's been
like about three times since then

i know i feel you sometimes
know when you read something i've written
but
like today
i wonder if you were having some sort of agitation
or if that's all just some unexplained brain chemistry for me
i don't know
and
i'm not saying
it's a vital national security issue either way
it just interests me

i also wonder sometimes
if you have any physical reactions from any sort of psychic link
maybe you don't
maybe
it's all conceptual to you
and that's okay too

really
conceptual
is already so much more
than i've ever found before
and you might say:
well, maybe you didn't really look that hard
and
maybe you'd be right
i wasn't really open to it
i like to do stuff alone
when i was travelling around alone
that was fun for me
i really enjoy my own company
eating out alone
people are embarrassed to do that
i love it
sometimes i try to fantasize about what it would be like to
live with you
and, really
i think you probably have a full dance card
are out doing things all the time
and maybe that'd be great
or maybe it wouldn't

maybe
and this seems likely
we'd have some period of adjustment
figuring out how to have together time and alone time
and if we were really lucky
it would sync up in a way that we both loved
i've never had that though

i picture you
not talking
much of the time
and i wonder
am i then running off to the computer
to write you things
maybe
and
at this point
i'd sorta hate to lose this
and maybe that's the craziest thing of all