my thoughts are so scattered

i keep thinking
all these fragmentary thoughts
i keep not being able to remember my dreams
i've been exposed
and exposed
to illness
and
i'm not exactly getting sick
it's really weird
my glands in my throat are swollen
have been for almost a week
and i have been having headaches
it's like i'm processing the toxins
but it's very different
and my brain has been functioning differently

i need to go to sleep now
so i have to make this short-ish

i've been thinking about
fantasies
that i had
at various times
over the last few years
and becoming
overstimulated

one involves breast milk
and you
and i wonder
i wonder a lot
how out there you might be
or maybe not
maybe
when i mention all the freaky things i mention
that seem pretty normal to discuss
which for me
are
inextricably grounded
in theory
identity politics
whatever
but
how would i know
maybe
you have completely different frames of reference

and
hey
i'm getting
that most people must not start off
with all the boxes they don't want to be put in
but i felt more comfortable with that than
i would have with building myself a box and labeling it

and
it's totally ok if i'm not making any sense
i'm running with it
i'm sorta sick and stuff

i just have all these puzzle pieces
and rather than focusing on the bit of picture
that i can see
i've been focusing on the other stuff

in some way i guess i haven't done before
not just filling in the picture
i guess
maybe

what are the things
you think
but
don't say
or maybe
you don't have a million things buzzing around in your head
maybe
it's all imediate and tactile

i have this fear
that i inspire love but not desire
but i'm not sure if it has it's basis in reality
and part of me is very concerned about that
and part of me isn't

and all this
remarkably
as crazy-making as it sounds
has me in a semi-constant state of arousal

and i think:
what if
what if he's much less complex than you think he is
what if he's provincial
and then i shift everything around in my head

it's like i suddenly realized
how much there still is to learn