well it started out as last nigh't dream

i know there was college
again
i've just about decided
college
must be short hand
in my mind
for learning
or something like that
but
i don't think it's conceptually that simple

anyway
i'm studying english now
i guess
but i don't think i'm satisfied
with english
i think
i think
it's a little stuffy

i meet this woman
she's a professor
and she taught for years
in paris
but
she had this mode of dress
it looks like some
somewhat bizarre fetish-wear
but it is
in some ways
really more a form of observance
her outfit
skin tight
her breasts
constrained
reformed
shaped
like hammerheads
frightening

one day
she wanted to stop
but the parisian school
had too much invested in her mystique
which i remember thinking
was kind of style over substance
and camile paglia came to mind
but she wanted to escape
from the trap she had made for herself
grow beyond her hammertits and nailed down rhetoric

and i met her then

and everything about her
flickered
like an old silent film
and

there was this image

she was kissing
someone else was kissing
in the dark
flickering
overlapping
the image folded in upon itself
and then they were kissing
but they weren't

it was art
film
multi media
conceptual

i'm not even sure what to call it

a shadow play
butterfly erotic


and did you know how much i wanted to throw you against a wall
and ravish you when you said you would rue it
i think you did
and you didn't want me too
or maybe you did
did want me to
but you always
want me to stop
you give
quite a clear
actually
it isn't clear at all
at first
i thought it was fear
and maybe
it is a little
but
i think
it's more like
i'm burning you
hurting you
you need to be three rooms away
safe
and
i don't know
that was a long time ago now


but i spend a lot of time
trying to imagine
something
anything
i can do
to

seduce you

i feel this need

to gentle you somehow
to get the yes vibration that i need

but then
too
i get this really strong
rip the damn band-aid off vibration
which makes me uncomfortable for two reasons
it kinda turns me off
and
if i'm wrong
it's all ruined
and
if it's all gonna be ruined
i want it to have been
something i wanted to do
which
as soon as you're backing away
it isn't

i know what your lips will feel like
but your tongue is a mystery to me
it seems to me
suddenly
when i imagine french kissing you
that i am perhaps
too aggressive
i haven't had a lover who wasn't passive
for like 17 years

you wouldn't know how to approach me
and i wouldn't know how to tell you to

but i have these fantasies
where you unequivocally stake your claim
and tell me how you're going to fill me with your seed
sometimes with hair pulling
and admonitions about keeping you waiting so long

i have other ones too

and sometimes you're not active
but i would never say you're passive
you always have passion for me
you always want me

you look at me across a room
and say:
i need you
and
she clenches involuntarily

but you'll deny me too
have no idea what i'm talking about
and
psychologically
you know what the most obvious reason for that is, right
but it doesn't fit the pattern

if we had done it
the first night i met you
maybe it would have been great
or maybe not
but i doubt it would have led to the great passion of my life

which you are
so much more now
than when i first told you

the love has seasoned
like a cast iron skillet

you'd think i'd have a better grasp of the cooking