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i have rocked celibacy before
there was a time
when i just said:
enough
i don't know how to do relationships
i just won't do them

they were different though

they had as their object
keeping me from being
hurt
or
whatever

and

i was always able to
do me
so
it wasn't a big loss

this one has been different

sex has become more complex
and so it is difficult
to stimulate myself
adequately
in all the ways
that seem now to be necessary
simultaneously

so
while i have
over the last several years
managed to have
orgasms
as such
they have not been the voluminous
ejaculatory
multiple
hallucinatory
kind

so
it just seemed better
mostly
to leave off
and just have the energy kind
which are pretty good in general
though they don't leave one weak and dehydrated
*sigh*

but
i was thinking about the
must have sex before february 2011 thing
and i thought:
well
maybe
i count
and
besides
the whole thing was giving you a little too much power over me

and
i remembered
i have this spoon
that hits, as it were, the spot
and
i mean
i didn't just bang me
i did some stuff before
but
it culminated ok
i think
it could count as sex
standing in the middle of
the kitchen
i didn't see the lotus
or scarab
or whatever folding-in-on-itself yantra thing
that i see
in a really good orgasm
but
it was maybe five or six
and i had to
mop up

so
not bad
not sated
but
much less
tense
now