some sort of stream of consciousness

they say
if you become vegan
you won't get enough protein
and i was worried about that
and then i wasn't
i figured
if i lost some muscle
maybe
i'd be prettier
(seriously)
and it is possible that i have lost muscle

i had to lose 50 pounds
before i actually looked
like i thought i looked before
which is such a guy thing that it makes me laugh
and it's possible that when i reach my goal weight
i might actually have a pretty decent body
i can see the potential for it
but i'm possibly deluding myself in the same way
whatever
it doesn't do me any good to feel ugly
and i don't
but i find it hard to believe
you found me attractive before
that might be selling you short
and i don't mean it that way
i mean i wouldn't want to hit that, really
even though
in reality
it has only been with untouchable objects of desire
that i have ever thought like that
and there are plenty of cute fat girls
who look good fat
but i'm not one of them

but fat is such a good armor
and food is wonderful
there was never any incentive

and i probably could have lost more weight by now

but i haven't
i've only lost what i've lost
but
since i've been doing the thyroid thing
even though i've only lost 10 pounds
it seems to be making a difference
people are noticing
which is gratifying

and
i'm not sure what i'm saying

i used to think
i wanted to be wanted for other than my body
and that's true
but it wasn't as true as i thought it was
i found it depressing to be with someone
who had no physical attraction to me
so i worry
and
if you really understood how much
it might make me make more sense

i know it's crazy
i don't do anything to make myself
girlishly attractive
i am downright uncomfortable if i get hit on
i must send out signals to that effect
but
i really want you to think i'm beautiful

is that a chick thing

i got this eyeliner
(shocking, i know)
and i kinda painted it on
and
i didn't like it
it looked unnatural
but
my eyes were freakin huge

so
i guess
i could make more of an effort
like maybe
occationally