random mental wanderings (i can't remember last night's dream and i think it was important)

there was something to do
with a car
[WOW really amazing, a car you say]
and a diner
and some system
or secret organization
but it's just too washed out to remember
which pisses me off
because i know it was different

and
for something to be different
now
might be important
hopeful
at a time
when really
i could use a little

sometimes i know
and i just won't listen
but
now
it's like
i got no idea what's gonna happen
what pattern and shape it's gonna take
i just have this firm belief
that there are certain things i gotta do
even if they don't make sense
and
certain things
that when i think about doing them
i get so sad
that i know they can't be right

it would make me happier
if they all coalesced into a somewhat coherent picture
but
they do not

not at all

have you ever seen the movie
children of men
well
i've been thinking about it lately
the michael caine character
the one who lives in the safe house in the woods
when i saw that film
saw that house
what he did for people
saw him getting shot
the whole thing
i had this visceral reaction to it
that
somehow
that is
what i always thought i'd be when i grew up

which is patently ridiculous

because
i wanted to be
a dancer
an actress
a celebrity of some sort on the talk show circuit
a dancer again
a singer
an artist
a college professor
somebody who could pay her bills
somebody who could afford to buy a little bit of cool shit
somebody who took pride in what she did
a writer
a lover
a mother

but somehow
behind all of that
based
i guess on my gen x social inculcation
a firm belief in a distopic future
and my own natural tendencies toward
shamanism
hermitism
anti-establishment
whatever
= underground railroad
very strange

don't know why i'm telling you this

the even funnier thing is
when i would get really sad
or life became unmanageable
i would always soothe myself with thoughts of suicide
but
as from a few years ago
when i started to think of myself as a vessel
now
i don't even think that's funny
i would fight for life now
and that is so foreign
to my personality
that i'm not even sure who i am anymore

maybe
maybe i've really lost my mind entirely

but a desire to live and create life
hardly seems like a crazy thing
at least out of context
but the distinctly
sarah conner-esque
with just a soupcon (sorry no cedilla)
of old testament
feelings i have about the theoretical child
are maybe kinda crazy

i do keep trying to talk myself down
i just seem to be so sure

i got two different messages
at two different times
with specific information
one said:
as long as you have sex before february of 2011
you will have no problem
(uh oh)
although
i guess
technically
it didn't say with whom
*gasp*
(i have no plans to get laid)
or that any issue would come specifically from that
(but i ovulated today instead of the third, so...)
(god, i'm not even a chick now, that was such a woman thing, hmmm)
the other one said:
you'll have your daughter when you're 46
might all be bs anyway
who can say

doesn't look like i'm gonna sleep tonight

if it's all pretend
it's still real
but just so you know
i really really wanted to have your baby
and that's kind of a big thing for me