why the dad proud thing bothered me
I had a relationship
with dad
for five and a half years
before jason came along
& it was different
than the relationship
they had
& I feel like he's somehow
telling me like
he knows BETTER
he's probably
just telling me
what he probably thinks
would be
something I want to hear
certainly not
anything he would think I wouldn't want to hear
BUT it isn't
what I want to hear
& I don't know exactly why it makes me angry
BUT it DOES
my problem with dad
wasn't that he wasn't proud of me
my problem with dad
was he left me in parked cars alone at night
while he went into strip clubs
to recruit my "new mommy"
he left you in the car in strip club parking lots
well, no sorry, not strip clubs
TOPLESS bars
same thing
SMALLER parking lots
THEN
he was all like
I love you MORE than her
BUT he would tell her
ALL my SECRETS
some of which were
ABOUT HER
so here she is
the EX-topless waitress
fresh from the trailer park
& OBSESSED with
how I am not showing her the proper respect
I am UPPITY
& her goal in life
is to BREAK ME
& HE is making it ACTIVELY worse
I didn't get to this part
because I got distracted
I finally could NOT take deborah
ANYMORE
I went to live with my MOM*
*which turned out to be it's own nightmare
& my dad acted like
I was some bad ex-girlfriend
who broke his heart
BUT he couldn't QUITE quit
TRYING REALLY HARD though
he would make plans with me
NOT SHOW
NOT CALL
when I'd finally get a hold of him
he'd say
I figured you'd figure it out
I wasn't coming
he would be supposed to pick me up
& leave me stranded
my mom out of town or whatever
he NEVER forgave me
I was a miserable kid
I was trying to
make my life
NOT HELL
& that
f*CKing backfired
I LOVED him SO MUCH
& he knew I was miserable
& he couldn't be big enough
to forgive his ten and a half year old child
for not putting him FIRST
OR
WHAT the f*CK ever
his interpretation of event was
BESIDES
he saw my art
I went to f*CKing PVA
& he came to at least one show
I THINK
maybe NOT though
MAYBE
the show I'm remembering
was jason's show
THAT'S the one I remember
HE'S like
looking at a red haired girl
in the same show with jason
YOU don't really have red hair anymore, do you
WHICH YES
I absolutely DID
BUT
it FELT like SUCH a SLAP in the FACE
because he ALWAYS made SUCH a BIG deal
about how beautiful
my red hair was
I MEAN
it FELT like he spent
MORE than the
NEXT TEN YEARS
trying to BREAK my HEART
RIGHT BACK
AND
I DON'T WANT to HEAR
some sh*t about proud
f*CK right off with THAT
