so
years ago
like when i first started working here
i did this thing
where for lunch i would take chlorella and wheatgrass tablets
and i would lose about 5 pounds in the week
i'm not sure i'm gonna do exactly that
at that point i was standing at a register all day
so
i didn't need any energy
but
they are both detoxing
and nutrient dense
so
i ordered those
and
hatcho miso
which isn't my favorite flavor-wise
but it is detoxing and nutrient dense

i figure i need a lot of detoxing
and internal anti-aging

i ordered baby dulse too
mostly because i want to jazz it up
but
also detoxing and nutrient dense

also that other stuff

i need to drop about 30 pounds
detox
dna repair
i'm on a regime of supplements
but
i'm gonna have to go back to some of the old ones briefly

i gotta do nattokinase and serrapeptase heavy for about a month
msm heavy for about a month
then
let the dust from that settle
maybe do the master cleanse for like 3 days

i'm gonna do mostly brown rice cooked in bone broth
and a green vegetable for dinner
as much as i can

i've started back with nut/seed butter toast for breakfast
and i prefer walnut
[which is very nutrient dense]
but today i had hemp heart butter
on my dave's killer 21 grain bread
and
it really held me

i only had a corazon bar for lunch
they are pretty tasty
oatmeal and phytosterols and banana
and then i wasn't even that hungry for dinner

but
i had a setback with my legs
they've been doing pretty well, generally
so much so that i have stopped taking every single thing i was doing for them
including eating all the organic fruits
which i stopped doing sometime in november
when i freaked out about my money situation
besides it wasn't really working for me
that stuff was coming on thursday
but my monday or tuesday sometimes it wasn't any good
i was throwing a bunch of it away

so
lunches have strayed from bars
to naughty things i enjoy to eat
like popcorn

so
my legs
they swell a little
and they are sometimes a little pink
but today

today
my right leg looks sunburned
it is red and slightly purple-y
it doesn't hurt
i worked on it all day
but
it worried me

i went to the drug store
and i wanted coco butter to put on it
but there's no fucking coco butter without a bunch of crap in it
and i know better than to put "fragrance" or alcohol
on my irritated flesh
you'd hear me psychically screaming where you are

so i got shea butter 100% raw
which is acceptable
i didn't want to use coconut
i didn't feel like that was the right thing
even though it has anti bacterial properties
i don't think this is a skin infection

i also got compression socks
which i hate exponentially more than regular socks
but i just put one on the right side
the left leg looks extra good after the shea butter massage
except
looking at it in the light
the strong light
imma have to figure out how to shave without destroying my
fragile leg skin
my hair is invisible
and so doesn't ever bother me at all
but
if you get a strong enough light on it
it's visible
and it shocks me
because i never ever see it
or even feel it because it's thin and sparse from waxing
so
like if i run my hand along my leg
i don't feel hair
if i look at my leg
i don't see hair
if i shine a strong light on it
i kinda make that vampire in the light hissing
blocking my face action

maybe some kind of electric razor
i'll have to figure it out
because now i'm grossed out

it might just be all the heater action
that's what set everything off before
like a straw that broke the camels back action before

so
anyway
that what i'm doing today

hope your day was good


i have a cica serum
that i found oh so fucking cheap

i used it for the first time last night

and then again today

and everything is almost gone

so

we'll see

what tends to happen now is it clears up

almost totally

and then i do something that aggravates it

use a mask

or an acid toner

so

i think imma stick to the two masks that i'm pretty sure

are 100% safe

merle norman miracol

and

earthwise beauty sungod

and

pa'akai [compromising with no beauty water]

and physical exfolliation [i have a sample of african botanics buchu

which is wonderful]

i think, with the retinol

i'm going to

rather than try to get closer together

and then i have to keep up with the days

i'm going to compromise by doing it twice a week

so it'll hit 3 and 4

and

if it seems not to want it

i'll just skip that dose

not just go to the next day

anyway

that was a long way of saying

i might use the cica serum on my leg

but i will not be taking it internally again

i don't want to be psycho

i feel like my moods are pretty manageable now

i just realized my spellcheck is gone

that's fucking weird

i typed manageable without the e and said

no there should be an e, right

and there was no spellcheck

i had to look it up on my phone, huh

anyway

most of this is not interesting

but i'm obsessed with working out these

protocols

what is the most effective

least expensive

most emotionally gratifying skincare

that will clear my blemishes

and make me not look older than say 38

i wanted 28

but i've given up on that

and

of course the training protocol

is exciting

i worked on that all day

goodnight sweetheart

i love you very much

I'm starting to fall asleep in the chair again

And I still have a super bad headache

So I'm not going to really write anything right now

I like the new updates

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

message from the universe?

this morning

when I opened blogger

it was on "somatic shrine"

which I think I made private

and

regardless haven't written in for years

it opened to 01/12/12

it had a picture of the puppyfish

and it said

"hi"

I've been haunted by this all day

how the hell would that have

just happened

to come up

I don't even remember putting it there

if I'd been looking

I'd have looked under

puppyfishing

or whatever it is

my first choice was taken

so it's slightly off

God my head really hurts

Cold flash is a thing

I looked it up

I've never heard of cold flash never ever ever ever ever

And I think as far as night sweats mine are pretty mild and actually it might just be that I was wearing a ton of clothes and a ton of blankets and I'm on a Tempur-Pedic mattress that holds in heat

But the things I'm calling night sweats or when I wake up and I'm all sweaty and my clothes are wet

I've never actually had it be so bad that I had to change bedding but maybe I'm just more hardcore than the average woman

But even being warm when I'm sleeping is kind of unusual at a point in my life when I was trying to do that temperature fertility tracking what I found was when I wake up in the morning my body temperature is like 68 or something

So my natural sleeping is like kind of corpsey

although in fairness at the time I was sleeping with a guy who had a waterbed and it turned out he was not using the heater in the waterbed because he was hot all the time so it was wicking away all of my body heat

so probably in the mattress that retains heat I don't get that cold

but to wake up hot and sweaty is not a common thing for me even in fairly hot weather unless you know I don't have a fan or anything going

so if I wake up sweaty I call it night sweats but it may not technically be that intense and to be honest with you the nights what's really don't bother me that much but that cold flash thing that was kind of scary I mean

I just could not get warm and I was shaking like I had some kind of palsy

Anyway I'm still cold

Normally I take a leisurely hot shower

But today I'm like rushing through and drying off and putting on clothes because I mean I was cold when I got out of bed because I was all wet

And I don't normally need the temperature to be 70 in order to not be cold

Well I mean maybe that's not true

Maybe when I'm taking my shower and stuff I always need it to be like 70 to not be cold but I'm not wet anymore

I'm just a little concerned that today is going to be unpleasant

But oh well

I hope I hope your day is good at least

I love you sweetheart

Ok

Working Theory

COLD FLASH

followed by night sweats

YAY!

Still have a headache

but

I don't think I'm sick

Okay maybe I'm getting sick I don't know I now have on socks I hate socks I hate socks and pants and a shirt and a hoodie that I have zipped up and the hood pulled up and I've been standing under the heater vent and it says that it's almost 70 now but I still am shivering too much to type so that's not good

So my head hurts really bad but I don't feel sick specifically hunt just feel like I can't stop shivering

I really hope I'm not sick because my mom her immunity is not so good I didn't I don't go out with her if I think I might be sick but I didn't but now I'm not so sure so I guess we'll see how I feel in the morning I'm the opening person so I can't actually call out if I am sick so I hope I'm not sick and don't feel all that super coherent but I have been kind of short on sleep though I feel like I got a lot of sleep on Saturday night

so I'm going to go get under my whole blankets and polar fleece blankets and see if I can get warm since standing under the heating vent and standing under the heat lamp in the bathroom didn't do it although it's better it's better and now my head feels kind of hot but I'm still shivering a little

I'll let you know in the morning

I love you

And I dictated all this stuff because I couldn't couldn't text him besides it's too much so I tried to kind of edit it while I went but if I missed something then don't get upset

Good night sweetheart

I went to dinner with my mom

On the one hand she looks really tired and her face is more wrinkly

On the other hand she doesn't have all these horrible bruises all over her arms her arms look great

Because since she's on it all plant-based diet she's getting more like vitamin k or whatever and they've cut down her Coumadin so she's not all blood thinned

And she seems like she is doing really good

She said she feels really good

She was supposed to go for a consultation about a procedure that her doctor wants to do for her defib

what she's had for years and she has a pacemaker

I can't remember now what the procedure is called but they go in and they shock the back of your heart and it doesn't seem strangely enough to be a very risky procedure it's like outpatient

Except of course that she's old and they have to give you sedation they don't use full on anesthesia but they do sedation

Her doctor told her it's the same stuff that Michael Jackson took to go to sleep like that's going to mean something to her it doesn't even mean something to me but I guess it does make clear that it's less anesthesia than sedation

anyway she was supposed to go for this consultation and she never called me to tell me what happened so I was asking her but she didn't go

Which I was not invested in her having weird procedures so I get it I wasn't following up because I wanted to make sure she was doing it I was following up because I wanted to know what was going on

So but she told the doctor that she was afraid and she wanted to wait and would it be possible to wait and he said yeah they could try the food thing for another 6 months

And I mean the doctor that put in the pacemaker and her previous doctor seemed to think she had defib she had a pacemaker everything was fine they weren't even really checking up on her at all

so that makes one wonder does that mean she didn't need to be checked up on that everything is fine or does that mean that they didn't give a s*** and we're pretty incompetent

This guy I don't know he started off seeing her every week and I think that's good because he was taking her off medication and doing all kind of stuff and that requires actual monitoring which for a while it sounded like he was not doing but now maybe he's doing it she said he puts all her information on a website that she can go and look at all her diagnosis and stuff and I had asked her last time if I could have that link so I could look at it and see hemmed and hawed and seemed like she did not want me to

Anyway it's freezing here well not technically technically it's 46 degrees but that is very very cold and I have a really bad headache because I think there's a front coming through or something and I have to go to work and I only got like 5 hours of sleep last night so I'm going to bed now

I love you very much ❤️

I'm sorry

I got really sad and didn't have anything to say

I fell asleep in the chair again

goodnight sweetheart 💋

❤️

just so you know

I didn't pick it for song content

specific songs are not important

just time and place

and

quality of video

I'm not trying to tell you

something

I was just having a moment

hope that helps 

i love you sweetheart
i gotta go to bed
but i'm thinking of you
have fun with the rest of your night

i never snapped to the bowing thing
pretty cool

I dreamed

I had to start setting up beer displays

in my house

I don't want to do this, I said

no one is going to see them here

and I don't want to look at them

also

I had an odd painting arrangement

it was small, like 9"x12", paintings

organized into a large rectangle on the wall

3x4 of them I think

then

I was a commedian, I think

I was Asian, I think

my father was Asian

I think I was male

my father didn't think I was funny

and he was going to beat me with a golf club

he kept talking about the impact the golf club was going to have when it hits my bones

also there was something about a box

cutting away the sides of s box

while still maintaining the structure

not very happy dreams

But

I really want to see you

I'm gonna figure it out

I love you sweetheart

idk currently things look bad
i'm working on alternate income stream ideas

i should not have gone to dallas
dallas is a bad omen place
i'm never going there again

i had been wanting to go to colorado
and i had this trip all planned
then i realized
i could in no way afford it

and i should have realized how much less money i had than i thought
i tried to ask you if i should skip it
but you didn't understand

and other stuff

but
blah blah blah

last night

when I got into bed

I actually felt your lips

kissing me

the sensation on my mouth

I don't remember ever feeling that before

I've felt like I was holding you

I've felt various bodily sensations

but

I can't recall kissing

isn't that kinda strange?

but

I'm not complaining

it was amazing

more please

💋😁

💋

❤️

goodnight sweetheart

💋

talking heads is pz's fault

but I'm not mad at it

ooo I just saw this one

I know it'll be stuck in my head

i woke up with the worst headache i've had in months
but
somehow
and this is weird with a bad headache
i kinda felt good
so
i staggered around and drank my soy-milkcoffee
[it's like almost half soy milk now]

but, wait
i'm making it sound like i did all that before i peed
which isn't true
i alway pee first
sometimes i look at my phone before
sometimes i check my skin before
but
i never go make coffee before i pee

when i was a teenager i once slept 17 hours without getting up to pee
now
i very rarely sleep more than 5 hours without getting up to pee
wow
this got off track

when i went to pee
i realized
i'm starting my period

i had really thought there was a good chance that wasn't gonna happen again

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

💋

💋

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i fell asleep in the chair
and then i fell down a rabbit hole
(choline)
anyway

i've been using retinol
i've used it before
never, i think, in a particularly high concentration
but
the green beauty people made me think i should avoid it
but
i have aging and breakouts
which will not resolve
and retinol is a cure for both of them

so i'm back on the juice
5% retinol
and i'm trying to acclimate my skin to it
no rush, ya know
so i'm up to every four days
and i haven't really had any peeling, but
the breakouts did increase slightly
and i think i'm a little drier
but i think my skin type has never been dry or oily
i think it's always been (sort of normal/combination)

i don't have problems with "oily"-ness, but i do have pore issues
sebum plugs in my pores
which mostly present as blackheads
and little bumps
which i pick
my more recent hormonal issues have led to some cystic bumps
but not in large quantity
i always had small pores
but the aging thing makes em stretch out
which exacerbated the clogged pore thing
but
i feel like i've almost beat it


if i had a dollar for every time i've said that

but
i'm both ever optimistic about my experiments
and desperate to feel like i can control some aspect of this menopause crap
and plus like i sublimated my sexuality into skin care rituals  = )
but
i put these hydration elements on my skin
and follow with a beeswax based salve
and
now
i'm convinced that if i just had a morning cleanser that would remove
what has got to be softened sebum plugs
i will have the last piece of the puzzle

it's tricky though


and
it's made me think about the first time i tried skin care

i was in second grade
and i somehow got my hands on a pink jar of mary kay night something
which was weird because there was avon everywhere
i think deborah had friends that sold it
but no mary kay
yet here it was like magic
and
it was basically pink Vaseline
i doubt i washed my face before hand
maybe i did
and then i smeared a little bit of it all over my face
massaging it in
it felt
i don't remember
efficacious maybe

i woke up with three little whitehead pimples
the tiniest, least threatening, little pimples you could imagine
i scraped them off with my fingernail and moved on

this cream was apparently for "older women"

and
my whole life i've had to walk this line
of things being too heavy for me
or too stripping
i didn't have problems, exactly
but
i always liked milky moisturizing cleansers
and a very light moisturizer
or maybe just a serum

now
i'm slathering on the heavy occlusives
to keep the hydration in
because i've maybe always had a problem with dehydration

it's still good skin, though
and glow-y
today i put on makeup to cover the spots
and i thought
i don't think that looks nearly as good
maybe i could just find a concealer
i really don't want to cover it up


i love you sweetheart, sleep well

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i haven't been able to write the sex scene

i woke up this morning
and
i tried to masturbate
i haven't in a long time
and
i thought i'd give it a go
it was not completely unsuccessful
there was lubrication
which i was worried might not happen
that's what i've been reading
and
i did [sort of] finish
but it was weak
and i'm not a one time girl
i mean
i typically would not consider less than three or four
to be even marginally finishing

but
ya know
i'm out of practice and i may need to buy a device
anyway
that didn't put me in the mood the way i hoped it would
but
it did make me feel kinda warm and cozy
and ya know
i told myself how much i loved me and stuff

so then
what i really wanted to do
was go to coffee shops
and walk along canals
and
live in a canal boat with you
and
i tried to work sex into those places
i was originally thinking of locations
and
it just ended up being a like joyful romp through the happytown
happy to be alive, moments of joy
spinning down the street in the sunshine

i had a great day with you
but every time i tried to work things around to sex
it just seemed sort of heavy and intense

i'm sorry
i know i said i would write it
maybe you were really looking forward to reading it
but i couldn't


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

so now you're wearing a tuque
and a peacoat
you're sidling up to me
askin me if i've seen the "white whale"

have i ever been to the spermaceti room

i have not


up till now
you've had your coat pulled close
hands in your pockets
squinting
you've said aaaaarrrrr more than once
but now
you lean dramatically against the wall
all your weight on one hand
your coat falls open
you shift your hips popping forward
you are wearing thick canvas sailor pants
the kind that button up on both sides of a front placket
they are wide leg and not especially form fitting
but
as you push your hips forward
something is moving in the front of your pants

maybe it's an eel
some dread sea serpent
hell, maybe it's animatronic

i think of the bull in urban cowboy
shit, that's mixin metaphors

it's just the urge to ride
i guess

i gotta go to bed now
please come dance in my dreams
i'm pretty into this concept

i love you sweetheart

so
you've been dancing around in my head
you're up on an gantry
which completely circles the room
i'm in the lower room
which is dark
and smoky
and slightly strobing
[somewhat based on early 90s pacific street]
but also
not like that at all
the chairs look like giant peyote buttons
and there are brightly colored phantasmagorical images
swirling around
which might be an elaborate light show
or might be hallucinatory

you have traded your pixelated block edit
for an enormous cod piece
it's a prickly cactus
with a flower at the end

which is ridiculous
but
somehow
mesmerizing

weird fantasy stuff that i saw in my head last night

when i was thinking about you in suspenders

suddenly i saw you
in the suspenders
and
some sort of like chaps
there was a point in my life
when i saw men in chaps
semi frequently
and it's kinda weird to see a grown man
walking down the street with his ass cheeks exposed
but
the front was always covered
and
i can't now remember how that worked
if the front was leather
or jeans
but

in your case
for the sake of this fantasy
it was the front that was uncovered
so
like your leather fetish suspenders
were holding up these leather chaps
and your man parts were exposed

i found that enjoyable
although the focus was a bit hazy
i, apparently, have a pretty clear idea
of what kind of penis i like
though i haven't really seen that many of them
and i'm very hesitant to paint myself a picture of yours
because
i guess i still think i might see it someday
and i don't want to ruin it
but having painted myself into a corner


i didn't picture the actual sex, either
i guess it was enough to watch you
strutting around
in leather chaps
but
i guess i should mention
not like leatherman black leather
no
and not assless

it had a more cowboy vibe
rawhide leather
and jeans
with your leather suspenders
and

your slightly out of focus
slightly morphing member

which now
i'm kinda picturing as a mildly pixelating block edit


so
some sexual thoughts
weird
but
present and accounted for

= )

this is stuff i would edit out, but maybe stuff you should know, so yucky outtakes

i slept super late
in fairness
i was up super late
after i fell asleep in the chair
i was up another few hours
off and on

the last few days
i've been hormonal
i started to say depressed
but
that doesn't cover it
it's been
hopelessness and anger
and wistfulness
some other less nameable states

there's been some mucus down there like there might be
something still going on
and that
gives me some emotion as well

i'm trying to get this hormone stuff down
pregnenolone and progesterone
and maybe i need estrogen
my body is demanding lots of soy milk
i actually feel better since i'm back on the soy
after the eggnog of xmas

i want to see you
but
full disclosure
i'm not sure when i'm gonna be able to do that
my finances are pretty bad right now

for the record

I like the suspenders

I wasn't trying to put you off em

they just startled me

but

now

I miss em

i fell asleep in the chair again

didn't get to hear you

hoped it would be archived

I hope you had fun sweetheart

I love you

very much

you're so adorable 

goodnight sweetheart

💋

💋

goodnight sweetheart 

I love you very much

I love you

I love you sweetheart

I don't know if you expected me to be there

but

I never said I could be there

so

I hope you're not mad at me for that

I gotta go to bed

I'm holding you in my dreams

i love you
i'm so sorry
*deep hug*

i'm doing a week of raw
to try to get myself back on track
i may do a week of raw a month
or
i may just try to replace
a lot of my regular food stuffs with raw versions
i may then do
like a week of bone broth
or vegan
or
some other stuff

i ordered some used cookbooks
i had this cookbook that's gotten lost somewhere over the years
daily specials from the moosewood restaurant
it's all soups and salads from their daily menus
moosewood is a vegetarian restaurant that's run by a collective
in Ithaca NY

so
i ordered that, hardback, an old library edition
the one i had was paperback
so this should last better
i also ordered
a low fat
and a cooking for health
cookbook
also used library editions
the first one should be here tomorrow
the other ones are coming book rate
so
sometime soon-ish
the health one
the lowfat one
the daily special one
i saw this one on an tv talk show with the author
when i was a kid
and
then when i was looking for a cookbook later i recalled it
but
there were other one
which looked more interesting
so
i've never bought the broccoli one
ok, maybe i wasn't a kid exactly
i was remembering more like 79 and it was 82

i love you sweetheart
meet me in dreamland

Cheesecake

Cherries

Modus Transportati

California Coastal Architecture

Do this don't do that, can you read the signs

I fell asleep

in the chair

in the midst of writing this

here's hoping

her rockin my dreams

PS

Tender

Tinder

Whaaaa?!

i love you sweetheart
i gotta go to bed
i was looking for stuff
but
it will have to wait
til tomorrow

*kiss*

yeah?!

the other day at work
my finger was feeling like i jammed it
i didn't have any recollection of jamming it
but that's how it felt, ya know
my pointer finger on my left hand
so i was holding it up
and kinda stretching and bending it
ya know, kinda puttin it through it's paces
wondering if i had arthritis
this guy comes up to me and asks me:
what'd you do to your finger?

so i tell him about it feeling jammed, but blah blah not probably
he says:
can i see it?
in what struck me at that moment as, well
let me just say
my brain seems to have added

i am a practitioner of traditional chinese medicine
(or chiropracti, anyway)

so i hand him my arm

he looks at it

and
he jams his right pointer finger into a point
just above my wrist
hard

and i'm thinking:
OUCH!
(but, ya know, it always hurts when you find the messed up spot)
and
(that could totally be a meridian)

but then
i'm thinking:
NO!  OUCH!
and i'm like:
that hurts!

and he presses in

and my brain is like ABORT!  ABORT!
and i am trying to pull my arm free from this man
who has suddenly become

inscrutable


and he looks at me:

i think there's something wrong with you

I really like the version of RS with all the wood block and interesting percussion

and minor key piano

was just listening

I fell asleep in the chair

and I woke up to a commercial for

Zoey's extraordinary playlist

which seemed to be like the whole thing streamed

there's this scene where everyone sings HELP!

I haven't heard that song for a long time

it really holds up

I'm not sure she's a good enough actress to pull off this show

she sounds sarcastic inappropriately

but she's cute

it reminds me of the buffy musical

but her mother is Mary Steenburgen

who is a truly wonderful actress

and their relationship

mother-daughter

makes me a little jealous

I love you very much sweetheart

I fell asleep in the chair again

I love you

Ok

so

I'm still super stressed

and I don't know what you want to know

I'm kinda ok with the barren crone role

I was ambivalent about kids until I met you

with the exception of a little bought of crazy at 27

I wanted to have kids with you

but

honestly

I'm not sure I could start with that now anyway

and

I mean, it might change

but

right now

if somebody said happy mother's day to me

I wouldn't even cry

but

I am a little worried about the

night sweats and hormonal issues generally

and I don't want you to lose interest in me

but

I have never said anything like holding you to account

and

I really hope you could tell from context

that I wasn't saying that

otherwise

I don't think anything I said was new

so I can't see you being upset

but

I'm extremely agitated that you are

so

Def a good day to see Mom

I love you sweetheart 💋

I'm getting stressed out again

I'm just trying to talk to you

now I'm worried

my having a headache is not code for something else

I was just telling you about my day

I love you

I am paranoid

just

know

I love you

I'm not trying to say anything inconsistent with that

I can't write now

gotta get ready for work

Into account

NOT HIM to account

my headache has never gone away

I did eat some cheesy scramble and some hash browns

I talked to my mom on the phone

we're going to dinner tomorrow

I hope you're doing ok

I used the umbrian clay mask

I like it

it's not too drying

and it's claims of energizing the skin

may be accurate

I took a very long shower

I could almost not stand to get out

anyway

I still have a headache

and I'm not really sure what else I did today

I fed the cat a bunch

he seemed agitated

and extra hungry

I can't explain why, I've no idea

but he was adamant

he's been trying to not hurt me

but today I really tried his patience

poor Kitty

It was great to have two days in a row off

usually that doesn't happen unless I'm on vacation

my whole working life

such a shame about the headache

anyway

no big deal

I wandered yesterday

I begged today [vegged- edit- damn auto correct]

tomorrow I have to see my mom

circle of life

or something

I love you sweetheart 

💋

I'm not going to brunch

I woke up with a very bad headache

and I'm not going to waste brunch money on a day where I can't enjoy it

I hope you're feeling good

no headache

do you get headaches?

I don't even know

good morning sweetheart

I love you

I went to the mall

Although truthfully I spent the majority of my time in Sephora

I think I tested every essence they have in the place

But what I bought was fresh umbrian clay soap bar

I had some of that years ago and I liked it but it's kind of messy but I thought I'd like to try it again

and then I didn't go to any of the new coffee shops I was going to go to or cafes or whatever because I stayed up late and then I slept late

So I decided to go to the coffee shop by Nordstrom in the galleria while I was in the galleria

And that was okay the coffee is pretty decent and I had a almond croissant that was really good actually I like almond croissants and I don't have them very often at all it's probably been I don't know several years since I had the last one

But you know I was thinking I really miss Caswell Massey

I don't know if you're familiar with them but they're America's original apothecary I mean like waybacks 1700s founded

They used to have this little like well I would call it a kiosk store but it was completely enclosed it wasn't like a cart or something and I used to go there every time I went to the galleria in like the 70s and early 80s but I feel confident it was gone by the 90s not sure exactly when it left

But I used to go there and they had all this amazing stuff and everything I bought from there was just amazing I had a cold cream I got one time that was cucumber and something elderflower maybe that was supposedly the same formula that Sarah Bernhardt tried when she was here and loved and had like cases of 2 England so she could use it all the time and I had some of that and I really liked it but I didn't really wear a lot of makeup at that point so you know it took me a while to go through it and then when I went to get more they had changed the formula and it was more like cold cream

I'm sorry that wasn't really clear it was cold cream to begin with but it was kind of an ointment-y texture originally then when I got it again it was more like ponds Cold cream which was not nearly as exciting

I like apothecaries

Who used to be one in Westbury square as well but it was I thinking independent one I got a perfume from there one time that was carnation and it was so good it was like spicy smelling and I couldn't ever remember a carnation I had smelled having really any smell at all but this was spicy in really nice

I went to Urban Outfitter and they have, I'm not kidding you, got pond's Cold cream and it's been I guess rebranded and now it's calling itself ponds balm cleanser or something which is really smart because it is essentially the same thing as a balm cleanser although it's not really a balm texture

I went in Aveda haven't been in Aveda for years but that you used to be a place I really liked

And they had a guy in there doing caricatures of people what is very strange I mean totally out of keeping with the whole vibe of the place which used to be almost like you'd walked into a meditation Temple and they had brewed up tea that they would give you and it was just a whole experience

I don't know I guess I was kind of wishing that I could do you know just for a day travel back in time and do some of that stuff that I used to do that just doesn't exist anymore not anything major or earth-shattering just like a little things

And I looked at the clothes in the windows and some of them I really liked although not necessarily for me and then some of them on like who would wear that so I don't know I feel kind of out of touch

I haven't been to the mall since whenever the last time I talked to you about going to the mall was so I don't know I know I went at least once last year but it is possible that I only did go once last year or twice I don't know but not very many times

And I was talking to I think it was Dennis about shopping and he doesn't buy hardly anything online apparently

But I do I mean I really do by almost everything online

But I think I may be going to look and see if there are any apothecaries left

Also when I was in Sephora I just kept looking around at eyeshadows too and oh my God there's so many really brightly colored eyeshadows so many and I mean I know that's been a trend for a while but I kind of thought it was over

maybe I just changed who I'm watching I don't know but I mean I thought we were in a kind of a no makeup makeup thing now put all the eyeshadow palettes are like bright bright bright bright ultra-bright

But I just kind of want one color that I can brush over my lid like I used to that would look pretty until I could use some of my many many eyeshadow brushes

I was trying to look in Nordstrom's as well it was a color I used to like I think it was Laura Mercier although they should have had that at 2 for also I think it was called like candied walnut or candied pecan or something like that but I didn't see it but of course people change their colors periodically and I would probably still rather have a more natural brand

So I don't know

I had a good time I guess

But more like a to be continued good time

Like it got me thinking about stuff more than just kind of what I was experiencing in the moment it was more of a history thing like that time machine action going on again

Which I guess is partially just to getting older thing but it wasn't like oh it's so sad this stuff isn't here anymore exactly

I mean it kind of was that

But there was another element to it I'm not sure exactly what that element is I don't know if it's that I'm wanting to write about it or if it's that I'm wanting to figure out some way to update that and if it's an updating that does that mean I want to open an apothecary or I just want to find one to shop at or what exactly

I don't know I don't know but the wheels are turning you know something's happening in there that's a precursor to something

I'm just not really letting myself know what it is I guess which I find kind of fascinating I'm looking forward to seeing where I go with that

Also like right now there was something else I was going to tell you about I switch paragraphs because I was going to tell you about this other thing but I completely can't remember what it was

now that's not that unusual for me I've been doing that my whole life because my brain just runs a little faster than...

But used to be once that stuff was gone I would you know I can walk around I could look at the things that I've been looking at when I thought of it and sometimes if I actually saw the thing I had been looking at it would pop it back into my head and I would remember it almost always it was just gone and maybe it would come back later and maybe it wouldn't

But lately I can just pull that stuff back up I just think and I kind of look through my head and I can find it not every single time but a lot of times and so that's making me wonder is my brain functioning better now

I don't think I'm taking anything that should make it work better I mean I'm taking some vitamins but this was happening I think prior to that

Like I remember one of the things I was going to tell youlike when I was a kid my feet were always going to sleep my leg would go to sleep I would be sitting in a chair I would be sitting on the toilet I would be sitting somewhere and my leg one or the other of them would go to sleep sometimes all the way up to my buttock

but I was thinking about the other day and I can't remember the last time my foot went to sleep or my leg went to sleep I need you just like never happens

And it cannot be that my circulation is better so I don't know what that means and I can't remember when it stopped happening so I don't know if it's like well when I developed a lot of muscle then suddenly it wasn't I don't know but is that weird

Something else

But I can't remember it right now

I love you

I may write some more before I go to bed especially if I remember whatever that other thing was but it's pretty late

And I'm going to brunch tomorrow I love brunch so I may not write anything else tonight but I want you to know

I get confused a lot

Because sometimes it's hard for me to know

What's important and what's pretend and you know it's hard to have a baseline sometimes

So I carry this like multi-level matrix in my head

And sometimes I don't know how deep to go how complex to interpret you know the signs and symbols of the universe you know what I mean

So I can tolerate pretty high threshold of uncertainty

And I don't know if that makes sense to you or just confuses you or what

But I can't really believe how deep it all goes and how inescapable

There's a very real way in which you are like a drug for me

And there's another very real way in which I really feel like we were together in a past life and I'm just trying to get us back there or back together

And there's another way in which I feel like I might really seriously be crazy

And I don't know whether any of that makes any sense weather it's good for me weather it's bad for me

I also have to take him to account

well I'm not going to enumerate all the things I need to take into account that's boring and ridiculous

There is an aspect that I wish I knew the answer to because it seems contradictory

But you know one way or another

To infinity and beyond

I stayed up late

I went down a rabbit hole looking for something

But it didn't find what I was looking for

It's my birthday

I'm old enough that I probably shouldn't be excited by that fact

But for some reason I have an unreasonable childish glee

And I tried to think of something brilliant to do tomorrow but I think I'm just going to kind of wander

There's a film I kind of want to see at the museum but I really don't want to go down there at night and there's not a lot of parking and then I'll be wandering around by myself in a really dark area I just don't want to do that

but I guess I could take a cab or take an Uber but I don't really want to do that either

and I'm pretty sure this film be released on video or something at some point so I can see it later pretty sure this is not my only opportunity to see it

it's supposed to be raining bad weather tomorrow so I may not end up going out at all but I can kind of want to do something just not a very structured something

So I think I may be going to go to the mall

Unless I can talk myself out of it

Also want to go to a cafe

But have not decided what Cafe

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much

💋

if you've been thinking

physical thoughts at me

I've been feeling them

and

I think it's helping

so

if you could keep doing that

I'd really appreciate it

I'm going to keep trying things

ya know

i fell asleep in the chair

i dreamed i was "in space"
which seemed to mean on a space station or something
this woman was coming up behind me
just as she was passing me
she seemed to make eye contact and begin to point out
every piece of skin care presented for sale on the promenade
she was going on and on
every detail
as far as ingredients, use, product development
it was awesome

several times i tried to interact with her
but she didn't seem to hear me

then
she kinda shifted in front of me
and carried on
like she was a docent or something

then
something
and i'm not sure what
brought it clearly into focus
she was an automaton
a commercial, essentially

i thought it was quite funny
and was telling you about it
when i was telling you about my day

then
i woke up
and i had fallen asleep watching YouTube
and i had been watching an auto play of alice in the rabbit hole

i love you sweetheart

I love you sweetheart

taking a break: don't know where this fits but inspired the title so

one thing about working with people who are substantially younger is that they tend to ask you questions that somehow end up feeling like history lessons.  i initially thought this was just me with my version of  [[back in my day...]]  but when i started to really pay attention that's not really how it goes down.  they know me.  i'm not like their parents.  but i have information that previously they could only really get from people like their parents.  so they kinda lead me in that direction and then i tend to run with it a little further than i should.  and, i don't know, maybe they're winding me up a little, but in a good spirited way.

amanda is always asking me about the 90s.  she's in her early 30s and the 90s are for her what the 70s are for me.  which is kinda funny because when i was in the 90s there were a lot of ways that i thought the 90s were trying to do the 70s--  at least stylistically--  which i don't see so much looking back.  at the time i was comparing it to the 80s.  i had trouble letting go of the 80s.

i was having just such a conversation with amanda last friday, and as i walked away i was dropped back into a conversation i had in the 90s--  i haven't thought about in years.

i was watching, i think it was, the big sleep, with a friend.  ya know, there are ways in which the world i grew up in is a lot closer to this one (pointing at the tv screen) than to the one we're living in now.

right.  because your family traveller around in a covered wagon and dinosaurs roamed the earth.

even then, i was hanging out with younger people telling em how old i was on the regular.  but i meant it and i stand by that statement.  and i realized--  that was before the world wide web (which, of course, no one calls it anymore).  

good morning

hopefully you're enjoying that so far

I feel like it incorporates several of the stylistic elements

that I have traditionally liked about my writing

and

I'm hoping to keep it going

I have to clean

things have gotten kinda bad over the holidays

I think I'll just add to that one

rather than doing multiple entries

but

I'll let you know when there's more

so you don't have to keep going back

of course

maybe now I've jinxed myself

hope you're having a good day

I love you sweets

ok, here's a start: SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A HUMAN TIME MACHINE

the other day i dreamt that i was moving to a small town, and before i had even found a place to live or anything i bought a refrigerator and washing machine online from a local vintage shop.  they were pretty cool but i realized that it was an impulse purchase that was ill-advised.  i went to the store and asked about exchanging them.  the owner of the shop was great.  we hit it off right away.  she invited me to stay with her and her husband while i was in town and offered to help me find a place.

she was, in addition to being a shop owner, a quilter--  or a sewing artist, maybe.  the things she made weren't exactly quilts.  they were more like pictures you might hang on the wall, but sewed.  tapestry?

anyway, there was this one i was obsessed with. i was having lucid dreaming telling me i had to remember the details to tell you.  after i woke up though, they didn't seem interesting or important.  so i didn't tell you.  until now.

it was a good sized piece, maybe three by four, and it had a smiling, waving, cartoon fish.  i could not look away.  i was gonna buy this thing.  there was a dr. seuss one fish two fish red fish blue fish quality about it, but the smile was slightly demented.  it reminded me of bloo from foster's home for imaginary friends--  that's not right, it didn't remind me of it, i'm just now putting that together, hmmm.

ok, well.  and underneath, like a slogan, i really felt in the dream that this was a banner from some company function: do you need more friends.  and then vpr.  and i was so into figuring out what that stood for--  i asked her husband, he didn't know, but i was asking her as soon as she got back--  vice presidential retreat, maybe.

see, it doesn't make much sense.  and i thought it was so important that i've embedded it into my brain well enough to remember almost a week later.  also i can't usually read in dreams.  i mean i can see signs and know what they say, but actually reading is not a dream thing.  like i'm pretty sure nobody really can read in dreams, as a rule.  so the vpr is a sign that i'm supposed to notice--  like the yellow school.  and, in fairness, it might be vrp.  i transpose things quite readily.  my father was dyslexic and my brother was/is too, although he also says he's eidetic--  that combination doesn't seem right to me, but whatever.

i don't.  need more friends.  i don't really have friends.  i mean, maybe i do.  i don't really like to go places and do things with other people.  i told my tarot teacher years ago.  other people rarely contribute much to me.  and i've gotten worse.  when i have conversations with others, which i don't seem to be able to escape, i often feel like i don't want to be talking and they aren't really interested--  and why do i have to go through the motions of this.  i mean, there's bita.  i could happily talk to her for five hours.  but probably not very frequently.  but mostly, strong hermit vibes.

Hey

I feel a story or essay or something bubbling up

I'ma write you something soon

not like a coded something

just

something to read

it's been too long

but

I've been

not really doing so good

for a long time

I love you sweets

I love you

💋

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

maybe I also have seasonal affect disorder

this seems unlikely

but

I'm sitting here

with my halogen table light

pointed directly at my face

eyes closed

and I feel happy

tanning booth had the same effect

but

I could only stay in the tanning booth 8 minutes

and even that probably wasn't good for me

but

I can see how people get addicted to them

I feel better today

but

I still would rather not go to work

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I'm home sick

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i don't know if you saw my thing this morning
about my state
but
it's not new
i've been telling you for several years
and now
maybe
you're quitting me?

or maybe i'm paranoid

anyway
no hanukkah songs tonight
i'm kinda depressed

I fell asleep in the chair again

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I dreamed I was running errands

down on lower Westheimer

by where I lived with Gran Gran as a kid

and then

the street turned into an elementary school

it was walk through

and bright bright yellow

the kind of bright color that calls attention to itself in dreams

and then

somebody official

called to me from across the street

they wanted to know

if you could review something

would I get it to you

like we were a couple

like I was recognized as your partner

and I said

I would give it to you

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much

fell asleep in the chair again

a feu de Bois candle

is always a good gift

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

💋

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

💋

I fell asleep in the chair again

sometimes

I'm not sure what to say, ya know

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I love you very much sweetheart

have a good night

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

Okay so when I woke up my ankle Achilles tendon whatever hurt so bad I was afraid to stand on it

But I got in the shower and I was able to actually find a way to stretch it out

Which I mean I've been trying to stretch it out but I've been doing that mostly by rotating my ankle in various ways

Which hurts sure enough but doesn't actually help at all

But I always stretch out my legs and my lower back in the shower and I hit some pose and it helped

So when I got out of the shower it was like 80% better now it's degrading rapidly from that but I was really worried I wasn't going to be able to stand on it all day so YAY

I love you sweetheart

my left ankle

that's what really hurts

it's been hurting

the Achilles tendon

and

some fiddly stuff

ligaments

or something

I even took a bath yesterday

We have reached the part the Christmas season where I'm drinking margaritas

I do not get drunk but I did fall asleep in the chair

I love you very much

I'm sorry I'm not more entertaining

My whole body hurts

Goodnight sweetheart

❤️

I fell asleep in the chair again

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 

i always thought
if i had a daughter
that i'd put her in ballet classes
then
in more recent years
well, not really recent, but ya know
i thought, no
martial arts
but now
mute point really
but
rhythmic gymnastics

ballet
it's graceful and all
but it's based on this straight line principle
i mean
when you're dancing high level
you're breaking from that
but, no, actually, not really
when i saw oksana dance it was kinda almost not ballet
it was weird and different and exciting
and when i read she had trained in rhythmic gymnastics
i thought, yeah, that's gotta be the difference

and then i went looking around the ballerinas of instagram
and i found marachok
and she's different more muscular
more athletic
less liquid but she had some elements that were the same
that divergence from the line
and yeah
it turns out
as i suspected
rhythmic gymnastics background

let me explain about the line

there is a string that runs up through the center of your body
out through the top of your head
and
that string should be pretty tight
pulling you up
there's a tautness to ballet

here
look
i'll find an example

i only watched the first 7 minutes of this but it seems a good illustration

ok now
same kind of dancing but no string

different kind of dancing, lack of string much more obvious

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

at the ballet

so i was cruisin around instagram to day
and
when i go to look you up
it puts me on a page where it shows me a bunch of squares
with pictures or video
and sometimes i click on em
that's how i found harry and megan
that's how i found wild woods apothecary april
several potters
idk
it's a good page
the look up page

so today
there's a ballerina in a baggy outfit doing this jump
and i click on it
hey, i think, she's cool
who is she

so i click her link
cause it tries to go away
and she's like amazing
super thin though--  like, for me, uncomfortably thin
the ballerinas have been trending muscle in more recent times
traditionally there's this frailty

ferri had this power
she had muscle in a very tight compact way
and she just exuded power
that's what immediately captivated me
and
of course
she's now like a category all her own

but oksana is maybe like too thin for traditional
because it takes her past that feminine frail
into something else
she comes from a gymnastics background
and that may be why she has this quality
but
she is the most fluid dancer i've ever seen--  ever
somatically--
she's a conduit for magic
i've seen a lot a swans
but
they never really reminded me of swans
until oksana
she did this thing with her head and her arm
and fuck
she was a fucking swan

it made me reprimand myself
when i cringed at her back
where you can see bones i didn't even know we had
it's like the reverse of what people think
when they look at you and think you're disgusting and fat
you shouldn't think it
that value judging gaze is what's disgusting
and look what she is able to do with her body
[but, is she, i think to myself, anorexic?]
maybe
skin stretched so tightly across her chest

at least she doesn't have to have breasts, i think
yes
and
she's an amazing dancer
that's what i wanted to do
and if i could do that i wouldn't mind being that thin
and then there's the no breast thing
that would be a plus as well


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

I dreamed I was in an airport and these people came out to me and they're like we need you to help us and I'm like what is that you need and they're like we need you to buy are you need you to get our daughter a ticket and I'm like I don't have money to get your daughter ticket why can't you picture daughter ticket I don't understand and she was underaged and she needed to fly but she's like 20 and I'm like okay but I still don't understand

and they're like you know we can't do it and I'm like why can't you do it and they gave me some reason that didn't make any sense and I'm like look I don't have money to buy your daughter ticket I don't have money to buy me a ticket although I was in the airport so I don't know I must have had a ticket right

and they're like no no you don't need to buy it we just need you to use your some kind of points and I'm like I don't have any points which is true of never set up points with anybody which is probably silly but I haven't

And they're waiting on everybody has points and I'm like no I'm kind of a Luddite I don't have all the things everybody always has

she's like what's your name so I told her and she looked she looked it up and I had I had points and she nodded to the person behind the computer and they just bought her daughter a ticket with my points

and I'm like hey wait a minute do I have to approve that how many puts ref left now I have enough points to buy ticket

and I no longer had enough points to buy a ticket cuz I only had enough points to buy one ticket and they just bought this kid a ticket with my points

And I'm like how did you find that I don't understand

And she showed me this she showed me this bag of cookies and they were kind of cookie they were limit but it was a review on the back of the bag of cookie and the person who was reviewing them was reviewing a dark chocolate Apple wafer flavor and they were talking about me and how I had recommended them to her and I'm like oh I remember her she was really sweet she would totally have wanted me to buy your daughter a ticket and I like remembered the experience although I don't think it happened in real life I think it was just in the dream I remember the experience of talking to this lady and what she looked like and recommending the cookie to her and it was weird kind of cool

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I fell asleep in the chair

I was super tired

long fuckin week

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

❤️

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

so
i'm not sure that the bifida is agreeing with my skin
i'm not waking up glowing
and i was before i started using that
however i also started the sdsm at the same time
so maybe not conclusive
also i'm bummed to learn about the filter in the camera
i was feeling really good about my skin
and it is pretty good
but
it's got a little redness
and a little uneven slightly freckle ish
which also, the freckle ish, seems new

i was researching
and i was trying to decide
what i'mgoing to try next
because i am full on thinking of abandoning the bifida

i found this
and i full on want it with the blazing heat of a thousand suns
which replaced, more or less,my desire for this
which wasn't quite that intense
but they are both too expensive

but
i started looking for Tripeptide 29
to see if i could find it somewhere else
because i'm back on the peptide thing, clearly
and
i found it

https://www.beautypie.com/us/all-skincare/serum/superdrops-flash-face-lift

so maybe we'llgive that a try $10.63 seems do able
also
i had forgotten to mention
and to use
the thing that was working on the breakouts

https://www.clinique.com/product/1672/29793/skin-care/acne/treatment-specialists/acne-solutionstm-clinical-clearing-gel

which i was using back in october
but have been forgetting to use
it's got sea whip seaweed in it
which keeps it from drying me out too much
but
i use it as a spot treatment
but
when i put the salve over it
i have to be super careful not to spread it into my eyes
which i think was what happened that put me off it

i don't really like it
but it does work

it's not working on the sleeping giant cystic acne in my chin
it's not red
it's not swollen
but it's still there
after all this time
and i'm still having all those other symptoms
just hangin out
but
nothing
no resolution of anything hormonally

maybe i'll just have like menopausal pms the whole xmas season
i think that would be super fun
i mean, seriously what the hell

but
that's not what you are interested in hearing about

i'm looking at my chin
it is a little bit pink
and it is a little bit swollen
what i mean
is
it isn't really noticeably so

and i am trying not to pick at it
but it is so so hard not to

i can remember when i was maybe 11 or 12
i would get small pimples
or blackheads
and my mother would come at me with a sewing needle
wanting to pick at my face
i really didn't want her to do that
so i finally got her to switch to non violent methods
and she kept putting egg whites
or queen helene

anyway
i haven't thought about that in years

i'm going to dinner with her tomorrow

anyway
gotta go to bed
gotta get up by 5am at the latest

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

❤️

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

Well I can't remember now but I was working in my dreams and I just did not want to get up not because I wanted to keep working but because I was tired I was going to get up at 4 but I didn't get up until almost 5 so I won't get there early cuz I'm also not moving very fast but I ate breakfast and I'll get there before 8 but I'm not going to get there at 7 which was the plan great if I get out of here in the next 15 or 20 minutes should be doable then I might make it by 7:30 depending upon what the traffic is like it's not very far but there's a lot of construction and you know it's a lot of people's first day back from the holiday weekend so who knows whether they'll be going in early whether they'll some of them not be going in or what

I have to do an order today and I was scheduled at 9 but then I'm going in at 8 for Chanel because she has some kind of family health crisis thing that she can't come in that early so I was going to come in at 7 because like I said I have to do that order and when I have to do it in 10 minute increments in between helping people I can't focus and I don't get a good order I might miss something so but I've got all the information printed up so if I get there at 8 I have to do her stuff and then I might be at the register for a while but I have paperwork that has information about what I need to order so I don't know

To be honest I don't really care

I'm just you know trying to get through I'm going to dinner with my mother on Thursday which I don't really want to do but I'm trying to be a good daughter and I'm trying to keep tabs on her and I just don't know

I feel like I live most of my life just go and if I could just get through today if I can just get through today and I feel like that's probably not the best way to live but I'm not 100% sure what to do about that

But it's colder so I think I can wear my jacket today and I'm very excited about that

Hope everything is going good with you

I love you sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I dreamed about weird meetings

where they were the rich and powerful

I was trying to get information

and they

we're trying to Pierce my ear

with a rusty nail