at the ballet

so i was cruisin around instagram to day
and
when i go to look you up
it puts me on a page where it shows me a bunch of squares
with pictures or video
and sometimes i click on em
that's how i found harry and megan
that's how i found wild woods apothecary april
several potters
idk
it's a good page
the look up page

so today
there's a ballerina in a baggy outfit doing this jump
and i click on it
hey, i think, she's cool
who is she

so i click her link
cause it tries to go away
and she's like amazing
super thin though--  like, for me, uncomfortably thin
the ballerinas have been trending muscle in more recent times
traditionally there's this frailty

ferri had this power
she had muscle in a very tight compact way
and she just exuded power
that's what immediately captivated me
and
of course
she's now like a category all her own

but oksana is maybe like too thin for traditional
because it takes her past that feminine frail
into something else
she comes from a gymnastics background
and that may be why she has this quality
but
she is the most fluid dancer i've ever seen--  ever
somatically--
she's a conduit for magic
i've seen a lot a swans
but
they never really reminded me of swans
until oksana
she did this thing with her head and her arm
and fuck
she was a fucking swan

it made me reprimand myself
when i cringed at her back
where you can see bones i didn't even know we had
it's like the reverse of what people think
when they look at you and think you're disgusting and fat
you shouldn't think it
that value judging gaze is what's disgusting
and look what she is able to do with her body
[but, is she, i think to myself, anorexic?]
maybe
skin stretched so tightly across her chest

at least she doesn't have to have breasts, i think
yes
and
she's an amazing dancer
that's what i wanted to do
and if i could do that i wouldn't mind being that thin
and then there's the no breast thing
that would be a plus as well


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much