deeply touched

O. Henry -esque
the tale
seeing
newness all around
waiting
pretended patience
for the obvious
chrysalis
newness
surely forth coming


ride the day into glory
gather called clouds
twist them
balloon animals
the world is thine
love

i'm awake (and i feel considerably better today)

I am not sure I'm gonna finish the reset today
I got a lot done yesterday
but
signage (which is the main thing I have to do today)
signage takes a lot of time
if I don't finish, though
whatever
as far as I can tell
nobody else really worries about it


I dreamed I was soaking in a really warm bath
I don't know what else
that's all I remember
my kitty
he is very disturbed by the schedule changes
I'm not ideal for cats generally
do to their love for schedules and order
this one is ocd
oh, I don't think I told you
he doesn't have that disease thing
he has ocd
and he gave himself a bladder infection
because he was waiting for the two times a day
I cleaned the box
seriously
so, anyway
we've gone to four
and he only has to wait
less than the entire time I'm gone at work
silly cat


so he's been waking me up
every couple hours
he doesn't like change
but
he did sleep with me most of the day


I've been thinking
I haven't been writing to you much
and maybe I should talk about that
but
I'm not sure
how to explain it, really
I haven't felt like I could
or had any desire to write, anything


but
I want to want to write
if you know what I mean
so maybe
I should make myself
but
I haven't felt metaphor-y
and
truthfully, that might be something not right
like depression or something
I just feel
like
flat
ya know
and I know part of it is
I don't believe the way i did
and maybe I don't want to write
because it'll come out in that
and
I don't want that
but
I'm not real happy with that reason
I have a lot of worries
about my mom
about my future
I don't feel like things are going well


but
this is a drag
I feel physically and mentally
pretty good
today


and
you are doing really well creatively
which is good
and I'm happy about that


I wish I was more on that vibe
currently

goodnight baby (except it isn't really night)

have a good day
the thing that used to be an email
it's really good

i was gonna sleep as long as i could

and I managed to sleep 14 hours
I feel terrible
isn't that funny
like too much sleep is bad too
whatever
I had a lot of dreams
I can't remember most of them
one I remember
from the first time I woke up to pee
I was telling fortunes with cards
but then
I said, wait, let me hold your hand for a minute
and suddenly I got very clear vision
it was a cuff of color and pattern on her wrist
yellow, red and blue
and it had all this meaning
that the cards couldn't show


there was another
that I feel lil I've had variation of
with an elevator
that traveled through time and dimension
briefly
just enough to be confusing
but not really enough to change anything
but if you missed the elevator
you had to wait 15 minutes
and it was very small


then there was one
where you were someone I saw
all the time
at the mall
and I thought we had feelings for each other
but you would never talk to me about them
then I went home
and it turned out the people I was living with
they were your family
and they were very worried about you
because they couldn't locate you
I had just left you at the mall
but
I didn't want to tell them that
and I wasn't sure what to do
but then i woke up again


anyway, I'm up now
till probably at least 6am
have a good day
sweetheart

i'm doing a reset

but
I'm doing it a little differently
I'm going in at 8pm
working til 4am
so
I'm trying to stay up
but
I'm tired
my head hurts
and I just heard a love song to another
undying love
and I want to cry


I went to breakfast with B the other day
she's maybe 22 now
and i thought we were going to talk about her
she had had a strategy for ceasing
virginity
we had discussed
last time we had breakfast
she's like the daughter
I've never had
but
she worked me around to talking about me
and you
which I had had no intention of doing
and
to be clear
she doesn't know who you are


are you sure you don't have one of those
pattern things
no, I say
I can't be absolutely certain
I've seen no evidence of it in other things
but
I have to leave open the possibility
that I'm completely insane


well, that makes it unlikely that you are


yeah, that's what I say
but the more information
she pulls out of me
the more she is looking at me
like I'm shooting up in public restrooms
or cooking meth in a camper in the desert


and I'm like
I don't care if you think I'm crazy


but that's not entirely true


one of the things that's good
about all this
my whole life
I've had a fear
that I'd end up in a mental institution
and
having to deal with all this
has made me more confident
that I can hold it all together
at least superficially
so I'm unlikely to become non-functional


I really like to talk to you, she says
I feel like I understand myself better
(whatever that means in this context)


well, I say
I'm glad I could be your fucked up role model

goodnight baby

I've been listening
to that one thing

goodnight sweetheart

I'm exhausted
from being with her
I have to go to bed now
I have to go to work in the morning
I wish
I loved her more

hope your day is beautiful

I love you sweets

it's good, that book

I'm most of the way through it

Chit Chat Summer

everyone on instagram is taking pictures in sunglasses
otherwise known, apparently, as "sunnys"
which
apparently makes me cringe
idk why shades is ok
but sunnys is so horrible
I would want to walk away and never
talk to someone again
if they described their headgear as sunnys
it's not a newness thing
I like new
I had to talk myself down
a few years ago
over gum
"fire" it was called
I wanted cinnamon gum
I would have accepted cinnamon
or even redhot
which has the advantage of being
something I grew up hearing
before
I really gave it much thought
and besides the shit is usually red
and always like a hot cinnamon
"fire" doesn't describe cinnamon
fire is not a good flavor word
I do not want fire gum-- it turns me off
consumer-wise
it's just a bullshit marketing word
I told myself
like arctic blast, shit like that
yeah, but i don't like that either


you liked green squall
yeah, well
that had poetry


but it didn't describe the flavor
you're counting points
for phrases you personally like


isn't that what marketing is all about
and I don't want to reward "fire" gum


ok, do you want some fucking cinnamon gum?
because, if you do, you got to buy the fire
it should taste like smoke
smoked cinnamon gum!
I would totally buy that


fine, just get the Shaun White gum
that doesn't seem to offend you


it's like that
in my head


sunnys
to me
doesn't sound cool
or neutral
or whatever
it sounds overtly plastic
in a way I find kinda skin crawly


I am also not fond of the term
"it literally gives me life"
which all the youtubers seem to use
meaning: this makes me happy
happiness is important
no doubt
just really hate that turn of a phrase


probably
people feel that way about awesome


whatever

i love you

I am having a strange tension
mild anxiety thing
going on
I hope you are ok

beauty

remember that guy
who irritated me
he would try to compliment me
with things that weren't true
and i said
I don't care if he is gay
he needs to stop looking at my ass
remember him?
well
I really like him now
he's the one who made me the wig
so we've been friendly a while now
but
we have conversations, sometimes
about the confining nature
of gender expectations
and, really, I think that was part of what made him stop saying to me what all women want to hear, but I do not
but
also
he's watched me
through my makeup journey
and
Michelle at work is doing the whole
YouTube watching
makeup journey too
and I brought her a blending brush
I got in my ipsy
because she was having trouble
finding a brush to do what she wanted


we'll call him D
was impressed
and may or may not
have called me a makeup diva
and it didn't even bother me


but
he wants to wear makeup
but
he also doesn't want to
it's a difficult thing
the whole gender expression issue
but
lately he's been leaning toward
and I personally don't think it is at all a binary
but today
I bought eye shadow for a man
which I'm pretty sure I've never done before
but I saw this beautiful quad
except it's actually a quint
but that sounds weird
with a beautiful peacock blue
and he's dark
so it's not like it would be bright
but I texted him to tell him
I just bought you an inappropriate gift


I think maybe that all tells you
something about how I am
that you might not know


hope everything's great with you
I promise not to buy you makeup
unless you want me to
:)

i slept most of today

I'm going in at midnight
promo change
I got a lot done earlier
so I'm just really changing one big area
and I've got the product already
then
signage
Wednesday
so
hope your holiday is good
I love you

i sometimes wish

you would
pick out perfume
something you want me to smell like
something that reminds you of me
something very personal
and send it to me
then
I could wear it
and have that whole
like
interactive
experience


is that crazy


is that even the kind of thing you'd do


maybe
or
maybe not

ok, kinda excited about this

I've been rehab-ing my foot/ankle whatever
so
whenever I have a minute
or it aches
or I think about it
I'm stretching it
until it hurts a little
in an awkward angle


so
fast forward
it's still a little achy
but
it is now
more flexible
by about fifteen degrees
in any direction
than the other one


and I'm like
oh yeah
dumbass
probably shoulda stretched em both


but
whatever
it underscores the point


good morning baby

i feel pretty good

not completely ache free
but
maybe completely pain free
the ankle is a bad ache
but
not bad, ya know
I got some herb that was supposed to
clean out my lymph
I'm prone to lymph congestion
though I don't especially feel any now
but that shit made me fee ratchet
I took it wed and Thurs
and it took Friday and Saturday
to get back to normal
but it wasn't like detoxy bad
it was like
this herb doesn't like you bad


but
the grocery store yesterday was like a party
even the people working there
were singing along


big wheel keep on turnin
proud Mary keep on burnin
rollin
rollin
rollin on a river

i was waiting with you

you were about to do something
and I was watching
how you manage
stress, preparatory to action
I was impressed
and we talked about it
you said something
brilliant that I want to remember
but I can't


then, suddenly
I see something
I think I saw your name on the feed
CNN, maybe, not sure now
but news feed


yes, you say
and wind it backwards
so I can read the headline


then
the scene changes
John Lennon is still alive
and I'm in his girlfriend's room
talking to her
she is mid twenties
blonde
really smart and funny
and very attractive
she's talking about John
and all the things she finds odd about him
and I gather
he and Yoko ate still together
this girl is the girlfriend
Yoko is fine with it
though she doesn't like the girl much


do you think it's weird
she asks me
the difference in our ages
no, I say
age is totally relative
it how you feel together that matters


and then I have to go to my room
which I across the street
at the warehouses
I meet someone else i know
I don't like being naked in public, I say
because I am noticing
I'm not wearing anything
and I go into a late night diner
there in the warehouses
we're talking
and I say
it sounds like a cliche
but every woman is beautiful
some are stupid, but even they are not stupid about everything
and the one thing they know
you might learn something
I think there was more
it seemed deeper in the moment


good morning angel

domes, tents, horses, fire...

i've got inventory today

I have to go at 3:30am
I'm not enthusiastic about that


I love you

my theory about the bad dreams

is that
as the scar tissue and whatnot is being broken down
emotional resonances are being released
and
rather than reliving whatever actually
is stored there
I'm just translating the feeling
into something currently in my mind


the other day
I dreamed I put an red hot pan
into cold water
ruining it
and it had been a new pan


that's not something I've ever done
it doesn't have much relevance
but
whatever
feelings


I hope
you're ok
and
that that dream has no relevancy


I love you

i don't know why i'm having bad dreams

I dreamed a bunch of weird stuff
my step father called me
he faked his death


but
the thing that really upset me


sometime in the middle of the night
I almost wrote you right then
but I was hoping I'd just forget it if I went back to sleep


you were looking at me
and your teeth were all yellow and brown striped and twisted, malformed
but you were looking at me
and you said
I'm diabetic
I'm tired
I don't have any interest in you
I don't love you any more


wtf is that shit


I realize
dreams don't have to mean anything
and
I'm not saying this dream meant anything
but
it did upset me

ok. i was just at the grocery store

they play oldies music
like seventies oldie
and
usually
rock
but today, in addition to that
they played the gambler
ya know, Kenny Rogers


now
I listened to this song
as a kid
and ya know, liked it, ok
but
the last few years
every time I hear it
and by few
I'm not sure
I might mean ten, ya know


when he sings the line


and somewhere in the darkness
the gambler he broke even


I tear up, a little


that's who I am
I guess

just woke up from a bad dream

why am I having bad dreams

i love you

the shoulder blade's much better
today is neck and lower back
I went to bed at 7:30 last night
and slept til 6:00
and
I'm still tired
but not hungry
I had an avocado
two grapefruits
and 100 calories worth of broth yesterday
well
plus coffee
still
not hungry
weird

update

ok
I am what, like a week and a half in
this serrapeptase kicks ass
I am planning a broth fast
I'm going to make kombu & shiitake
and
I might take chlorella
I suddenly feel like
I might not just have to be
a suit of armor
I might be able to move
and breathe
I can breathe


of course
the silly thing
once the PAIN is gone
you feel all the aches
and they start bothering you
like right now
I really need to pop my shoulder blade
three days ago
I wouldn't have bothered to complain
but today


and I have
that healing fatigue
but
whatever
I'm gonna lose weight
I'm gonna get fit-ish
I'm gonna have some life yet


I'm really happy


you should really try this stuff

good morning sweetheart

I love you

ok. you should really try this stuff

serrapeptase
I woke up breathing through my nose
and the crepe myrtles are blooming
I haven't taken any ibuprofen
I feel
pretty good
not like I'm completely healed
but
it's been four days
I've never had anything work faster
to make such a positive impact
and
I don't feel depressed
which I think I more because
of pain reduction
than because it did something to my brain
but
fuckin YAY
either way
ya know

ok. 3-3.5

but
I think I need to wait eight ish hours between doses
because
I took the first one at six
and when I took the second at eleven
I have felt very strange
like I imagine I'd feel if my blood pressure dropped substantially
I can't take it
so I don't know if that's what going on
but
whoa
I'm having some trouble
one of the things it can do is lower your blood pressure
but I had gotten the impression
generally
not like right now
I need a nap


I'm sure I'll be fine

correction

I had a typo or something
maybe I changed midstream
but
I'm not taking some magic ibuprofen 3
I'm taking three regular ibuprofen
twice a day
and two Excedrin migraine
now
when I had the flu
she gave me 800mg ibuprofen
and told me I could take it three times a day
but
I only took it twice a day
so
I'm not exceeding that dose
but
I didn't think that was a safe dose
and today
I actually feel much better
after only one day
but
I'm worried about later today
fingers crossed
no whammies


already noticing increased mobility
yay

serrapeptase

well, I'm trying something
I hope it works
I've been using the nattokinase
and i feel like it's really helped
with blood flow and whatnot
but not the pain in my ankle and heel


remember, I was telling you it was a seven
well, I had forgotten ALA
but I remembered it
and I've been taking it for a few weeks
and the pain's way down
but
I'm also taking ibuprofen three
two twice a day
which is too much
not sustainable
then I'm taking milk thistle
to support my liver


but
I heard about serrapeptase
they use it in Europe for inflammation
mostly
but
it does a bunch of different stuff
if it does anything
it eats dead tissue
so it cleans out scar tissue
and old injuries
but
you gotta take big doses
and you cannot take it with any of those pain killers
because it'll thin your blood too much
which I've been avoiding with the natto
by taking it a night
and pain killers in the day


but
I want to be free to move
not a calcified mass
so I'm risking that this is gonna work
I've got my pain down to like a two
and I'm risking
big pain
I'm nervous
but
I believe it's possible
it feels good now
but
I've taken a couple big doses
I soaked in Epsom salts for like two hours
and I've been off my feet for two days
so
ya know
who knows


but
I feel like I'm supposed to be able to move


I want to
I don't want to be defined
by my pain threshold


but
might not work
might end up having weird side effects
if it does work
might fix other shit
just no way to know


exciting?
not sure

skin three

I tried the moringa under makeup today
I normally use my little barn apothecary
orchid and blackcurrant serum
but
I think I can whip up a serum/primer
w/ moringa, broccoli seed oil, not sure
depends
on the other elements
but the texture is very very silky
also broccoli seed oil
and they're both anti oxidants


hope your day is going good
I love you

skin update

ok
the moringa oil is awesome
mixed with the black castor
also awesome
maybe a little thicker than i planned
probably whatever else i add should be thinner
although
i don't know
i can't stop touching my face
i feel good about this mixture so far

skin

so
black castor oil is purgative
moringa is purifying
both are nutritive
I want to keep a balance of mostly
linoleic over oleic
because that will help liquify
sebum
cleaning out clogged pores
for additional oils
I'm leaning toward musk melon seed oil
because it's high linoleic and
supports cell wall integrity
plus
melon in any capacity is cleansing
but
I'm having trouble finding it
except from Canada
where shipping I high
so
I might substitute kalabash oil
which I can get from shea terra
but
I'm not sure
that's only 3 oils
but that seems sufficient
pre-testing, anyway
I've just been testing the black castor
with my regular go to blend of
argan and baobab
but those are high oleic


I wanted to have six elements
so I could call it
deep six
but
I can't see adding anything just for that reason
I wanted black seed oil
and frankensence
for healing
but
maybe simpler is better
not sure
I really like the way the black castor smells
don't want to get too much
maybe some vanilla bean
but it'd have to be light
but
a sensory element would be good
this is really fun
ya know

i just had the most incredible dream

it was like
the first part of a novel


there was this girl
she was like a sunflower
pretty, sweet, fairly normal


except
she was from a rich background
other than that
completely relateable
she worked with an office type place
she did computer social media stuff
she did some sort of volunteer work
with the ballet
she was still paying off a tennis trip she had taken with a really good friend
who I think was a sorority sister
her big secret
she had had an affair
years before
with a famous writer
she was dating someone, semi-seriously
everything was going along pretty well


then, one night she gets the call
from the dark and the near
it's time for her initiation


she follows this trail
that is marked with these beautiful
blue and aqua glass candle holders
so many of them
it looks like a photo shoot for a magazine
she is dressed to the nines
cocktail wear
and when she sets to the underground headquarters
there is a pause
everyone claps
she has arrived at the dark and the near


and then
they tell her
how her life is going to be now
she's moving, somewhere, France, maybe
this and that thing I don't remember
she will be working
coincidence
I don't think so
with the author with whom she had the affair
the group seems to think this is just
a huge perk
but the subtext
is
she is supposed to break up his marriage
maybe
discredit him
maybe help him
it isn't clear
but
the dark and the near
they definitely come across as
like illuminati
and this whole
go in and change the landscape
is her first initiation
but
later
she might be killing people
you just don't know
and there was so much time spent
building her up as a sunflower


it was quite a twist

22 jawbreaker lollies

I dreamed
I was going to a show
just down the road
from somewhere I've been before
but I've no idea where it was
there was this whole graphic
GPS thing
about location
but
the dreamland version


when I got there
I bought 22 tickets


and then
a group walked by me
with two big bags of jawbreaker lollipops
and I was all like
that looks awesome
I'm gonna get that too

ok, sorry it's a long vid-- these are the brushes i want

doing a promo change this week

but
it's not too bad
so doing 6-2
had linner (lunch+dinner) with my mom today
I haven't got anything interesting to tell you
I'm not enjoying work
my heel hurts enough
that I am actually considering
probably won't
going to a doctor
how much pain is normal
do you think


it's better
I think
but
I'm not certain
I was thinking it's about a 7
but
then I reprimanded myself
I mean
I can surely imagine a lot more pain
than 10
if this is a 7
I mean
the time that dildo was cleaned with alcohol
and not rinsed
that probably is not the extent
of the pain you could feel
and
if that was a 10
surely this is more of a 6
well, 6.5, anyway


the weather had a little cool snap
which was fucking awesome
really really excellent
but
it's back to hot
and really really bright


I want
tropical drinks
with fruit, and tiny umbrellas
I used to joke with Becky that I wanted
a cabana boy
to bring me such drinks
and rub my feet
it was a running joke
but
somehow this imaginary guy
got a name
probably because
it needed a shorthand from the cabana boy
and, besides, it seemed rude
cabana boys have names, ya know
so becky's been gone
and I had forgotten about the joke
but
just now
telling you that i need fruity drinks
it made me think of it
my imaginary cabana boy
Julio


I kind of want
a rae Morris brush
they are super cool
but
I'm trying to talk myself out of it
but
the eye shadow brush I got
has rocked my world pretty hard
I have developed an obsession
where there was aesthetic interest before
I'm not sure I can do the whole link thing
on my phone
I'm writing this in bed


maybe you'll send me dreams
goodnight
sweetheart

phallic dreams

I don't remember much
I know I was in school again
for at least part of the dream
but
like
grad school, or something
and we each had cubicles
mine
and my friend in the dream
were bathroom stalls
I was not enjoying school
I'm'na have ya quit this
I thought


but
the phallic part
there was a stage
and there was this guy
jumping up and down
and
as soon as I realized
I tried not to look
but
he was huge
like maybe
3.5" or 4" diameter
and
foot long
and it was too high on his body
like near navel height
it kinda freaked me out

me and neptune

we had some communication about biting

he bites for several different reasons

sometimes
he doesn't want to be touched
sometimes
he doesn't mind to be touched, generally
but, specifically
he doesn't like the part of his body being touched
sometimes
he gets over stimulated and he needs to bite
sometimes
he expresses affection through biting
[my cat moon was like that]

so
we determined how hard he can bite me
without it freaking me out
he promises to try not to bite me harder than that
if
i don't touch him in ways that make him uncomfortable

which consists of
it is always ok to pet his head/face unless he is actively upset
which he will try to visually display before my hand gets into biting range

the over stimulated situation
is a bit trickier
he tried to make it clear
that he isn't good at controlling himself
when he's all riled up

he did this really amazing thing
where he attacked his face with his back legs
i was worried that he was gonna really hurt himself
after he got all riled up and was biting me
hurting me
and i'm screaming
let go let go

so
clearly
i'm gonna have to monitor for that myself
and he's got a short fuse
so
tricky

he's a very smart cat

i choose male cats, mostly
largely because i kinda like their dumbness
female cats are smart and manipulative
tenacious
and good hunters
in my experience
[kitten, amurr, harvey]

male cats are beautiful
sweet
and dumb
in my experience
[moon, piglet, midnight, weebo, shmee, buzz]

amurr wasn't actually smart
she was kind of crazy
but she was the other things

weebo was multiple personality, i think
because
sometimes he would look at you
and he didn't know who you were
so sometimes he was scared of me
but
otherwise he was sweet

he told me his name
or at least it seemed like he did
telepathically
i might have been high at the time
weebo zap zebo
was his full name

kitten
ended up being kitten
and
harvey
ended up being harvey
because they learned their names the first day
and they subsequently could not be changed

i was sure neptune knew his name
was answering to it
when i first got him
but
he doesn't answer to it now

so either he's setting boundaries
i do not come when i'm called--  i'm a cat
or
he was just responding to summons without understanding his name before
and
same thing--  boundaries


anyway
he wants to be friends
he likes me
i think
eventually
we'll work it all out

that thing sbout my cat

it amuses me
this might be stupid
but
he did refuse to eat the kind of food
his foster mother said he loved
I had bought a huge bag of it
but
I had given him the bag I bought at PETsMART
first
which I thought was right
but it was wrong
but he liked it
apparently better
so I had to make a special trip
to buy him more of that
and he still bites me


so it makes me laugh
to be petting him
encouraging him to eat
saying
you're a good boy asshole


it was just a slice of life
not
meaningful

good morning angel

I fell asleep on the sofa
I meant to write something last night
but
with the fell asleep thing
I've decided not to change the cat's actual name
he's still Neptune
but
his new nickname is asshole
which he doesn't understand
but
which gives me a great deal of satisfaction
more so than it probably warrants
hope everything is beautiful
and you're enjoying
time spent with friends
I've got to finish getting ready for work
but
I love you

hope everything's ok

just so you know

that was not
that poem
intended to be a complaint
it was intended
as a love poem
I complain plenty
I hate what celibacy does to me
but
my choice
and still
not a poem complainer
I just haven't been writing much
and
I've been wanting to
and
I thought you'd like that
but
then I got paranoid that you
wouldn't take it in the spirit intended
so I'm writing this explanatory bullshit
which probably ruins it
but
whatever


I love you

endless saturday

strawberry musk
black coconut
dr. pepper lipsmacker
I'm fixin a hole
and
the beat goes on
swimming
in thoughts of you
your jaw
your lips
your hands
concrete poetry
with other body parts
endless looping thoughts
yes yes yes yes yes yes yessssss
until
it's a new word
a new thought
a new universe
the kaleidoscopic metallic beetle
all ancient Egypt meets sci-fi
or maybe
it's just patterns of light in my head
but bring it baby, bring it
the magic that makes me a real girl
it's only been forever
crazy for you
justify
like a virgin
like a prayer
tiger tiger burning bright
ice ice baby
whatever
whatever
whatever
Rosetta stone
tabula Rosa
recalculating
it takes
where the wild things are
baby
take me there

i'm not sure i made the right decision with this cat

on the one hand
he has distracted me from
my utter misery
at losing my baby
but

he is pretty mercurial
he was initially very affectionate
but that was clearly a manipulative device

he's still intermitantly affectionate, but
he bites

so
i'm a little afraid

also
he need a lot of play

so
i'm beginning to see him as more of a street cat
which he is
and less of a puppy kitten
which i knew he wasn't
but
is more what i'm used to

i'm not sure i could have a dog
they seem too needy
too unhappy when you leave for work
too messy
just too, ya know

but
for the first time in my life
i'm really seeing
cats are not just kinda making you work for it
they are not really just living their own lives
they are maybe
cold

this is something that happened:

he wasn't greeting me when i came home from work
he wasn't seeming to give a shit

so
i came in
i said:  look buddy
i expect you to greet me at the door
i'm gonna feed you now, in good faith that you didn't understand
but
next time
i want you at the door when i come in

now
i been saying a lot of shit to him
and he has been completely ignoring me
but
that little mutherfucker has been at the door to greet me
every day since
whether i come in the front or the back
whether i come on the bus or the car
he hears the key in the lock
he is johnny on the spot

and he's doing it
like a job
to get extra rations
not because he loves me

and
on the one hand
it doesn't matter
but
on the other hand
it's so like life
that it makes me sad

i am tempted to take him back
i really am

but
that seems wrong
and
he wanted to come home with me
or he wouldn't have manipulated me into it
so
eventually he'll love me

i brought home a rescue cat
i don't know what i expected

i specifically wanted not to be reminded
that i didn't have buzz anymore
but
still have a creature to come home to
i just didn't expect

quite so much challenge

anyway
i'm modifying his name:

Neptune-Shango

he's gonna make me want a dog

i love you, and i'm thinking about you

I hope
you don't miss
sexual content
I don't think about sex much anymore
I think I'd go crazy if I did
I fantasize much more tame stuff
but
tonight
I'm imagining
quiet
intimate
togetherness
and
that might go
almost anywhere
as long as it's calm
and tender
I love you sweetheart

good morning sweetness

the only thing i remember

from last night's dream
was driving into Los Angeles
down Wilshire
there was no traffic
and i was trying
to decide where to stay
the hotel I like
or
a hostel
I keep trying to make myself
stay at
in Santa Monica

i only remember two things from my dreams last night

1) trying to make clothing from fish skin


2) space prom


hope you are happy and healthy and good
love you

and

I'm sorry
I let pesach get away from me
I thought it was starting Saturday night
then I found out
no
it already started
and I didn't do anything for it
it is
my favorite
but
I'm just not used to holidays
and I guess I'm not competent to keep up with them unless I'm really paying attention


this year
I was planning a whole thing
about how
even though there's no archeological record
it is symbolically important
but
I don't seem to be demonstrating the importance
*sigh*
I'm sorry baby
I think I have to be happy
and have more hope
or less depression
to be
jewish-y
I think
I'm still not doing so well
although that dream was s hopeful sign
and I'm better today
but
I just didn't do a whole Passover thing
sorry


i love you though

dream creations

i dreamed
i made this book
it wasn't really like a regular book
it was more like an installation
it was a story
but it stretched out
each page
along a wall

some of it was painted paper
some of it was more constructed
with felt
or fibers
with words
or images
mostly in intense shades of blue

and
it was about
love
and devotion
and loyalty
and
overcoming obstacles

and maybe disease
which is somewhat worrisome

but
it was awesome
and i was proud of it


don't know
exactly what to think that means
but
i guess it's good, huh


hope you are happy and healthy and good

i got a flat tire

I'm not sure why
but
I was going to deal with I yesterday
but
then it started raining again
and I just couldn't deal
so I'm bussin it
but
I'm still
so tired
I just don't understand

i love you

it's a strange relationship

with buzz
it was like he recognized me
when he first saw me
and there was a kind of love at first sight thing goin on
but
with Neptune
it's not like that
he's sweet
he likes affection
he seems very smart
and it's like
we're learning what the other one likes
and trying to adapt to it
so
I guess it isn't really weird
I guess it's good
but
maybe not what I'm used to
for instance
he doesn't like to eat from bowls
he likes plates
but
he somehow managed to communicate that
probably his foster mother fed him on paper plates
he can smell buzz
and it makes him nervous
but
he found the shoes that I bought
since buzz
and those are his
also
he has found the only spots buzz never really sat in
and those are the spots he likes
he said likes to be coaxed to eat
like shmee did
he knows and answers to his name
which he can't have had more than
a couple months at most
he's a good cat
 he doesn't feel like my long lost friend
but
he wants me to be happy
and
that's more than you have a right to expect
from a cat
he lifts up his paw
in this way that piglet used to
but
I'm sure it means something different
and his tail
is
probably transmitting signals to space
it is thin
and pointy
and, actually, not the kind of wide rudder cheetah tail that i find so beautiful
but
it is so so very active
and he does this straight up and vibrating thing
that looks like a space antenna
I swear
I think
he's gonna be a good friend
and I'm gonna enjoy learning what all his signals mean
so
I'm sleeping better, already

it might not make any sense, but i feel less depressed

i went to two petsmarts
i saw him at the first one
he's not that dramatic looking of a cat
sitting in a cage
and he seemed older
but he's only about a year old

his sign said
he was rescued from the pound on the day before they were gonna kill him
that he almost died there from depression
because he lost his home and family

that made me stop
he was huddled in his cage
like:  i just gotta get through this--  distant
but when i opened the cage he came up to me
pushed into me as i petted him

he's a very muscular wiry cat
and it turns out
not too big
he seemed a lot bigger in the cage

he is lean
and muscular
and his fur isn't soft or sleek
but short and wiry and no nonsense
and i loved the feel of him
something powerful and bad ass but still affectionate

very different from buzz
and when i stopped petting him
closed the cage door
told him i needed to meet some of the other cats
he went back to his huddled pose
glaring:  i guess you're just like all the others

and
none of the other cats i met
did anything except make me compare the experience to him
and
i thought:  i should wait
think it over
be sure what i'm doing
because i thought i wanted a bottle fed baby kitten

but
in the end
i went back and got him
hopefully that's the right thing to have done

i tried to take a picture

but they just all look scary
I look different
when I'm depressed
I guess
I love you, though
not trying to ignore you

hi

I fell asleep on the sofa
headphones in
listening to ink videos
I looked at all kinda things
trying to find
talkative
but
ink is where I ended up, I guess
the lightning woke me up
it's raining to beat the band


I went to the galleria after work today
after work
I didn't really want all the people
but i wanted to wander
and i wanted to go to the fountain pen store
which seems to be gone, or moved, or something
I went to where I thought it was
it wasn't there
I looked on the directory
that's where it said it was
I don't know
so
I gave up and went to sephora
I found an eye shadow brush
nice, their brand, just what i was lookin for
only $16. -- not bad
but
I wasn't done wandering
so I looked and looked
and I bought a powder foundation
Nars all day luminous powder foundation
which wasn't in my plan
I was planning bare minerals blemish correcting
but
I love Nars
and I haven't had any Nars for years
and
I am a difficult color to match
but
when I was looking at Nars
the lightest, Siberia, seemed too light
and the next one, Mont Blanc, just looked so beautiful
the sales girl came over


I'm just trying to decide if this is the right shade for me, I heard myself saying
I can color match you
ok, I said, but I'm wearing a powder foundation now and it's not the right shade-- we'll need to clean that off
she wipes off a swath of cheek and jaw
rubs Mont Blanc into my face
wow, she says, that just disappears into your skin-- it's a perfect match-- look
I look in the mirror
there's a section of my cheek that looks great
yeah, I say, it looks good
I go to check out


I head back to my exit, but a slightly different route
there is an Israeli makeup cart I didn't know to avoid
I haven't been to the mall in a long time
he pulls me over
do you wear makeup
yes, I say
what kind, like Mary Kay
no, not like Mary Kay
like bare minerals
well, yeah sometimes
he has a brush out and is trying to paint my face with mineral makeup
I look at him
I really don't want to do this now
I'm feeling slightly hysterical
he lets me go
look us up on line, he says
as I try to get while the gettin's good
I only get about 15 feet when I tall attractive woman in a very short form fitting dress hands me a sample packet
I say thank you and try to keep walking
we do facials, she says
that's great, I say
let me show you, she says
not now, I say, but I'll keep it in mind
I can show you on your hand
no thank you, not now


are you Jewish, she asks me


now, tho took me by surprise
she's Israeli
why is she asking me that
is she gonna give me a discount if I am
it's like a life long dream to be mistaken for Jewish
which is a silly dream I know, but....
no, I'm not, I say
that seems the safest answer here


really, she says, I just thought
because of how you're dressed


and my first thought was
but my collar bone isn't even covered

when you are prone to depression

normal sadness
or
sometimes other emotions
can slip into depression
like a damaged joint might slip out of place
without as much force
as a healthy one
and today
I don't feel raw and sad
I feel depressed
cold
vacant
apathetic
I still feel like I might cry
but
it's less specific
more global
and
I would do almost anything
not to have to go to that god-forsaken place
just to crawl back in bed
sleep
did i tell you
I just found out my boss
whose last name is mays
but I didn't ask
even though I wanted to
is like the great nephew of Willie Mays
he sees him at family reunions
every two years
six degrees of separation
or something

i'm not the type of person

to lose a child, and then go right out
looking for a replacement
I was sobbing and saying I never
ever
wanted another
and
it wasn't planned that way
but
in the past
the cats would find me
and
so
there would almost always be two
but
it didn't work that way this last go round
so, for the last six, seven years
it was only one
and now there's none
and it's only been a week
and
I'm looking at cat rescue sites online
not because I'm getting a cat
not right now
but
like
because I have to remind myself
that there will be another cat
at some point
because
it's so empty
and it feels disloyal
and
bad
no one could ever replace my baby
my little Zen kitty
who
if he's in my soul cohort
and was just lucky enough to get to be the cat
this time around
is probably sitting in the reboot room
saying
dude, tubular

i am upset about my cat

i'm not doing too well

I just let a customer make me cry
that hasn't happened since my dad died

i hope

you're doin ok
Shaq was just in my store
and i thought of you

i love you

i'm so sad

I've been drinking all day
slowly
I keep seeing him
I'm not sure how I'm gonna take it

i had to schedule the reaper

11:30 am tomorrow

well

I busted out that 1.7 liter bottle of tequila
the one I bought when you broke my heart
and my father died
I drank more than half of it back then
and in the ensuing years
I've had recreational margaritas
like three or four times
I think
I'm gonna buy
another bottle
probably not that big
one can always buy more
if necessary
but
tequila
helps
sometimes
the cat's not dead
he's ok-ish
for now

hoping to get my car back today

I hope you are doing ok
I feel exhausted and a little overwhelmed
the cat is a little better
but
I can't really go into
the forms of intervention he requires
but
he was catatonic for a whole day after
and I have to do it again tonight
anyway
fingers crossed
sorry to be cryptic
love you

doll dreaming

I fell asleep on the sofa
petting my cat
and I dreamed
about antique stores with giant doll houses
I woke up
my back hurt
I had to go to actual bed
I dreamed
a really strange dream


I went somewhere with you
and I was injured, so I was in a wheel chair
and we saw a show or something, together


then you were talking to Norm MacDonald
who, in the dream, was your friend
he was telling you
that you really shouldn't be seen with me
and you were telling him
I wish I could remember the exact words
because it was beautiful


I was you light
or something like that
but you elaborated


he looked at me
he fucks everything up
all his opportunities


yeah, maybe, I say
I've certainly noticed a trend
but
what can I say
I love him


I'm not sure
if Norm was happy
or exasperated with that answer

very groggy today

and
I'm upping my msm
I stopped taking everything while I was sick
except the sick meds
and
I haven't been able to get everything
back to how it was before
but
I was on very minimal
maintenance dosages
so
whatever
I feel dehydrated
and
unmotivated
I want a back massage
and a pep talk


I love you
have a good day today sweetheart

it doesn't make sense

I came in later
I got more sleep
I'm more exhausted
achey {sp?}
I'm just less into this whole change-over thing
I want my ink to come
I want to play
I have to figure out which purse
I (of course) want a new one
I have one I like
but it's rigid and the locker was destroying it
I have one I don't like the handles on
it was a gift
maybe
I could get it altered
pretty sure the shoe hospital does that
not sure what it'd cost
or
maybe I could get a bigger sakroots bag
don't know
don't want to be here


love you

i started writing with a fountsin pen in college

I found one at the drug store that was five dollars
cartridges were cheap too
fun colors
pens and inks
I would get this recycled paper
that just sucked up the ink
and take notes galore
I could switch the cartridge without missing a beat
but
at some point
they stopped selling my five dollar pens
and although I have had others
including some expensive montblancs
I don't really like to carry around expensive stuff
I feel more comfortable
if it doesn't have to be precious


so
finding these inks
that come with a free pen
is quite exciting
but
then I ordered a twenty dollar pen too
not too precious
but
I love fountain pens
and I haven't written with one in years
I got on this manga pen kick
and
kinda lost my way
plus
since I've had the smart phone
and the tiny purse
I haven't been carrying a journal
but
I miss it
it's a thing, ya know

i'm at work

isn't that crazy
and like
wrong

i woke up to pee

and
I'm dreaming about fountain pen ink

i'm working overnight today thru wednesday

I'm not enjoying it all that much
but
whatever
it isn't that bad either


love you

good morning sweetheart

have a really good day
ok
I'm going to try
to have a good day too
maybe the act of trying
will make it better

i dreamed i went to a french gynecologist

I was younger
and thinner
and he handed me a small comb
with hair dye to dye my pubic hair
kind of a burgundy color
then he filled me up with
some kind of foam
and
I think I got some kind of shot
I looked at myself
in the mirror
and
I was pleased


I'm not sure what that's about
I did see a scary commercial
for vaginal atrophy
last night
before I fell asleep
on the sofa
but
I had this dream right before I woke up
just now


there was also
short order cook
my dad shitting on the floor
of his therapists bathroom
refusing to clean it up
and swimming poorly in deep water


so
what does any of that mean

so, not today

today
he's full of fluids
appetite stimulants
antibiotics
but
sooner rather than later
my little guy
is going away

kidney failure

he just got up, walked to his food bowl

and ate like he had an interest
that might be a good sign
maybe

i'm really worried about my cat

he's been getting gradually thinner
which isn't good
it isn't necessarily bad
as such
he's getting old
he's officially the oldest cat I've ever had
he's sixteen
he's got spina bifida
which I didn't know when I got him
but I have known for roughly thirteen years
and
I didn't think he was going to live to be old
but
he seemed fine
until wednesday evening
and he really hasn't eaten or
drunk much
since then
he seems very wobbly on his feet
he seems super frail
I don't know if there's anything wrong with him or not
but
by the time I get off work tomorrow
there's only emergency vet until Monday
he will be mad at me for the vet
and it might just be unnecessary
but
he might be sick
he might need fluids
or
he might just be dying
I'm afraid if I take him
I might end up
ya know
not coming home with him
but he doesn't seem in pain
I am not ready
I love this cat so much
I'm not gonna get over him


god please let my cat be ok

released without paneling!

my favorite kind of jury duty
plus there's the sweet free metro
and that juicy six bucks
that comes in the mail
so you have it to savor and look forward to
seriously
I would rather they kept it
 put it to good use
six bucks is not enough to change anyone's life
but hundreds of six bucks add up
anyway
waiting for tea shop to open
celebratory tea


my prayers were answered
I prayed for released without paneling
YAY

it didn't end up so bad

I was able to lift ok
I didn't get comparatively all that much done
but
it wasn't so busy
that I was running around, either
like on the Friday that made me so sick
I have to sleep now
so I can get up super early
to catch the bus to jury duty
sigh
they better not pick me
I can't handle it
but
next week's overnights got pushed to Q2
very excited
[second quarter, at least 3 months]


love you

i still feel so bad

I'm just praying I don't have to lift much
Tuesday I didn't seem to be able to at all
and I was uncertain on my feet
yesterday
I was sitting on the sofa
and I was so exhausted
I fell asleep
sitting up
I don't feel good about today
not at all

ok, i'm about to go to bed

but I just reread that last post
and I'm not sure it made sense
I did not go to work today
but I think I messed myself up
going Thurs and Fri
I got the dr note
on sat
not sure I told you about that
I'm cleared to return to work Tuesday
then I should have wed off still I hope
then I have jury duty Friday
and then the overnight madness begins


love you

i just ordered, and ate, the most food i've eaten in a week

brown rice
broccoli
something called shrimp bun
which I expected to be, like, ya know, dim sum
but which turned out to be like a salad
and soup
I feel a little overwhelmingly full
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday
I had energy to make food
but
Thursday, Friday, Saturday
not so much with the eating
also
I love powdered Gatorade
I love it
lemon-lime salty goodness
I think
I'm almost not dehydrated anymore
I'm not faking
I'm really still sick
probably shouldn't have gone to work
but
you can't just take off work
anyway
I may get some repercussions at work
but
I'm I destroy myself
it's not like they're gonna help me out
and
I think I have to work
possible three overnight periods in march
starting with the first week
sucks to be me


love you

running 102.2 fever

going to the doctor
well, the clinic in the CVS
I'm not sure what they're going to do
but I'm hoping for cough syrup
it doesn't take as much to mess me up
and I'm already coughing so hard my back hurts
I forget how bad flu can be
I was probably working all day yesterday
with 102 fever
that's why it was so hard to function
but I felt like I needed a doctor's note
to not go in today
and i felt like
that was the best plan

i love you

i feel like i might pass out any minute

I'm going to bed
I probably should see a doctor
but they just give you antibiotics
which do more harm than good
unless it's bacterial
I feel really shitty

i didn't go to work today

and i didn't go to the doctor either
I did promise to find a doctor to go to
if I don't feel any better tomorrow
but
I already feel a little better, so
yesterday I slept a lot
today I went back to bed
but got up three hours later
to check in at work
and I felt hella dehydrated
so I'm up and forcing fluids
I greatly increased my milk thistle
well, I say greatly
I normally take one in the morning and one at night, but today
I took two in the morning
two more when I called in at work
two more just now
and, depending on how long I'm up
I'll do that once or twice more
also I'm taking echinacea and golden seal
so I'm covered
whatever this is
that oughta knock I out
if I'd been a little more together yesterday
but whatever
I wish the headache would go away
but
it is better
and I haven't taken anything for it
because it's counter indicated
with other stuff in doing
so I'd rather not
if I can stand it


I'm excited because I'm starting a new anti-inflammatory protocol
bromelain and quercetin
which is nicely multi tasking


love you

i called in sick today

I woke up with a migraine
and my back all seized up
like the kind of body ache you get
with really bad flu
I didn't really need to be there
I am ahead on ordering
and almost out of funds
so I just called in sick
I've been sleeping off and on all day
I still don't feel at all well
not sure what's wrong with me
I'm going back to sleep in a few minutes here
hope you had a great day
if I don't feel better I'm not going tomorrow either
but then I feel like I should go to the doctor
and I'm not doing that
so
whatever
goodnight sweetness

it probably would have been more special

if I had left the house today
but
I don't like to go amongst the humans
if I don't have to
I didn't do laundry
and I didn't make my buffalo cauliflower
because I didn't get hungry again
so
I don't know
I need more face masks
I hope
you're not
angry at me
for what I said earlier
but
it's just true
goodnight sweetness
hope you had a good day

i haven't been getting enough sleep

and I've been falling asleep on the sofa
and then not sleeping well
and
I guess
as a consequence
my pain level is eeking back up
I was going to sleep late
but
when I got up to pee
I almost couldn't stand
which wasn't my legs fault
it was my feet
and
I've had that
off and on
since college
like some kind of planar thing
except
with most people that doesn't go away
but with me it does
anyway
I went back to sleep
and i just got up


wow
happy valentines to me!


I've got stuff I was gonna do
and stuff I need to do
and now I need to add an Epsom salts bath to the list


but
from the extra sleep
the pain level is way down


YAY


I thought about doing this whole
mimosas and fancy breakfast thing
but
probably not, now


I don't know why I'm playing with valentines
this year
I don't usually care
but
this year
it seems fun
and
I've had some trauma
and soul searching
this year already
and I don't know what I really believe
but my life is not the best
and I'm unclear on how to fix it
and
I need extra love right now
so
I'm giving myself valentines
I guess
although
sleeping late
doing laundry
taking a bath
cooking
this is shit I usually do on Sunday


so I'm not sure how I'm moving this to special
but
I AM


I had really weird dreams
that should have been disturbing
I don't think I want to say
out loud
it sounds bad, I think
I don't think it was about you at all
so maybe I can keep the horror story to myself


happy valentines day

no analysis

ok.  so here's what needs to happen:  i need a sign.  not a sign about him.  a sign about me.

i need  a sign that'll make my life make some kind of sense.

i throw two grapefruits and a couple raw food bars in my lunch bag and slam out the back door.  while the car heats up i write you that that's what i'm doing--  asking god for a sign.  the car doesn't like to back up when it's cold, but today isn't too cold.  fingers crossed.

so,to reiterate. god.  i need a sign today that explains my life.  i need it to make sense.  thanks. :)

i back up.  hardly a shutter.  i drive to the end of the row, turn, turn again.  now i'm headed to the exit.  i'm almost there when i get a text.  maybe it's the boss man texting me to say he's late and i will dodge the bullet of being late two days in a row.

i stop.  i dig out the cell from my tiny little purse.  it's kyle, my new wine rep.

"i will be delivering your order today so do not be alarmed when it does not come by regular delivery."

"k"

my car gets three radio stations well:  104 KRBE top 40 hits, Sunny 99.1 and The Bull 100.3.  none of these would beon my short list, but it's a ten to twenty minute drive depending on traffic, and, besides, whatever, i've grown used to them.  i flip trough until i find a song.  Oh no.  not that one.  why can't it be the boat song.  that makes me laugh.  whatever dude, you say that to her now, but are you really gonna feel that way if you never get to do anything except her?  and thirty years she might not look that good in either dress.  but i'm deflecting.  it hits me.  it's too close to my book of symbols.

my pain level was higher today.  maybe because yesterday was the last day of the furniture sale, so i was pulling furniture for people all day yesterday.  the door is unlocked when i check, which is unusual, but which reduces my embarrassment for my lateness, fifteen minutes, which is extremely late for me.  i go clock in seventeen minutes late.


i check the beer wall.  we don't really need anything.  i should get something.  because we'll sell beer over the weekend for the superbowl.  maybe they'll be some new seasonals.  i check the email.  markdowns thursday.  no signage for chocolate beer which might or might not be on sale for the all chocolate is on sale day.  glad i ordered up on that.

"did you see the email from megan about how you were number one"

"are you talking about the case sale thing from the other day?  i saw that.  but i'm only 80 units up on the woodlands, so not that impressive."

"they're beating you in percentage, but you are beating them in sales."

"well yeah.  but not by the kind of numbers it should be.  the heights is definitely hurting my sales.  what i don't get is why they are keeping track of percentages.  why is it better if more of my department sales are case sale sales--  we make less money on them.  is it just to show we're pushing the program?  and, if so, does college station not push the program; i thought they were program pushers from way back but their percentage is only like thirty."

"they aren't old enough."

"to have money to buy a case?"

"to buy alcohol.  they're college kids."

"but then they don't go into the percentage at all, it's case sale total to dept total."

"they don't have our customers, they just have a bunch of people wandering through

"oh, i finished that paperwork."

"what paperwork?"

"the stuff you said i needed to have finished before wednesday when you left town.  you probably saw it was in there, but i wanted to let you know that that's all of it."

"yeah, every once in a while i say something managerial.  tell kevin i said something managerial monday."

we had actually had the conversation on saturday.  i had told him i might not finish it on saturday.  i did, in fact, finish it on saturday.  i had just forgotten to tell him it was all complete when i had seen him on monday.



kyle came with the order.

it had gotten messed up somehow and he didn't want to have it not come again.  so he brought it in his truck.  he's on like his third week.  apparently he loves to come to my store.  from my perspective he comes in, i give him a sheet of paper, maybe he upstocks a little.  i've had almost no interaction with him.  but from his perspective i am one of his few non-diva accounts.  i'm fun.  i spent maybe fifteen or twenty minutes talking to him.  there is no way he's over twenty five.  he told me about his other accounts.  and i said "now that you've made the standards clearer you can expect me to be much higher maintenance in future."  he laughed.

but i've hear this stuff before.  brittany, the one before the one before him--  she quit back in october, maybe--  she was trained in social work, but when she moved here ended up getting a job for republic.  she quit right before the most profitable time of year because they were all just too mean.  "not you,"  she said  "you're great, but a lot of them are just really really mean."


and then it was just one beer rep after another.

usually i text em, "anything new?"  they tell me, i text em the order.  i got in that habit because i didn't have time to deal with em.  and the orders weren't all that big.  and blah blah.

but they all came in today, and none of them had anything new or impressive to tell me, but it took a lot of time. by the time i was through i was almost two hours late for my lunch.

i was hungry.

i sat down.  i started eating my grapefruits and playing with my phone.  a few minutes later they are paging me to the wine dept.  i am eating my lunch.  i do not go.  then sergio comes to tell me there is someone in my dept.  "i'm eating lunch,"  i say.

"it's a rep from southern star,"  he says.

"well, send him back here,"  i say.

a few minutes later denis comes back to tell me there is someone in my dept.

"it's a gentleman from southern star, and he would just really ,like to meet you."

"well, i'm eating my lunch.  he can come back here where i am to meet me, or he can wait ten minutes and i'll come out there to meet him--  his choice."

denis is a new supervisor, and he gave me a look, like it maybe wasn't appropriate to behave in the way i was behaving.  but here's the thing.  i don't order from them.  i don't work for them.  these are company reps who at best will tell you what their new products are, or offer to do a tasting for you.  at worst they will act like you work for them and start a big debate about how much product you do or do not have, where it is, how old it is, etc.  the law says i get an uninterrupted thirty minute lunch.  that rarely happens, but i'll be damned if i'm missing my lunch for whoever this guy turns out to be.

he doesn't come back.  when i go out, in exactly ten minutes, he's long gone.



so i'm working on stuff.  and i go to the front of the store, i can't remember why., but no sooner do i get there than i hear this voice,  "excuse me, we need help."

it is a blind couple with large labradore service animals.  "of course, how can i help you?  is there something i can help you find?"

"i want to buy a candle for my mother."

i took him to candles, picked out scents close to what he was describing for him to smell.  that was pretty easy.  then he wanted a "plate" for the candle.  luckily we only had two.

"this one," i handed it to him "is a small mosaic of mirror, does that make sense?"

"yes i remember mosaic, i know what that means."

"it is only a little bigger than the candle base, but there is enough room to catch drips, if there are any, but this type of candle tends not to drip.  it is $2.99.  this one," i again hand it to him, "is bigger, it has a coppery finish with a green patina, it has a design etched into it, it looks kind of aztec.  it's $6.99.  it's pretty.  the other one is pretty too;  it's simpler."

he chose the lavender candle and mirrored mosaic "plate"

"ok.  what else can i help you find?"

"last time i was here, you had some paperweights with animals in them."

"oooo i'm not sure if we still have those.  let me find out."

i go ask michelle, who just came back from mardi gras and seems like she had a good time, if she knows anything about paperweights.  she takes me to a stack of five.  all of them are scotty dogs.

"we have this one kind left," i tell him "they are all scotty dogs."

"oh, i wanted a labrador."

then, we look at bells.  lunch bags.  the entire contents of the home office dept.  this is where i found more paperweights, including one with a labrador puppy which was half price.

we did a sketchy run through the gourmet dept.  looked for soda made with cane sugar.  ended up with coconut water.

we looked at all the toys.

we looked at tea kettles.

we looked at bath accessories.

we finished up with more candles.

well, so far

my boss told me
I am the only employee he has
that is irreplaceable
which is nice, I guess
but
I'm not sure
what it says about my life

today

I am asking god
for a sign
that makes sense of my life
which feels to me, right now, as though
it doesn't make much sense
I will write you something tonight
based on what happens


I love you
I hope you have a beautiful day

legs

when I was in college
there was a stage I went through
that I think of as my exercise addiction stage
and
at that point
I marveled at the way my legs seemed
springy
like
rather than impacting the cement
I seemed to bounce
like tigger or some shit


but
the last few days
I am having a concomitant experience


I'm not springy
but my legs
they feel like normal legs
not like some heavy shit I gotta drag around


I feel
physically
like
almost


no don't jinx it


good


like
maybe
I might pirouette through the store


I'm not sure why
maybe it just reached a tipping point
I've been getting better


so
cool

weird dreams

I dreamed about this room
I can't remember all the context
but
they took me to this room
which was bliss, or whatever
there was a guy there
plugged in
so to me it just looked like coma
but
that's what he wanted, supposedly
then, somebody with me
again, I don't remember who or why
or who they were to me
just the action of it
drank a bunch of swigs of this
like juice or something
and just winked out of existence
supposedly, he became part of the room
so
since it was bliss
is supposed to be like
dying and going to heaven


the room just didn't seem that damn good


lot of pattern and texture, though


there were more dreams
I was a police officer
I had to go to a party
where something had happened
I knew the people
and I didn't want to go


driving winding roads at night


then before I woke up
I was failing to sell people coffee beans
couldn't help them
partially because they were the kind of customer who will not be made happy
and partly
because I didn't seem to have any idea what we had-- stockwise
what is your most recent blend
I didn't know


then
we were closing
but then it was a house
and the bedroom didn't get cleaned properly
the wrapper was still on the spray cleaner
I'm opening them
collecting litter
preparing to clean


the dream is telling me
or the meta dream
a new way to sign my name
where the last letter becomes a 7
is more powerful
will bring me luck

it's one week til my birthday

and you'd think
maybe
I'd be unhappy about it
but
I'm not
I'm excited
which makes no sense
nobody is throwing me a big party
and I have to work
but
I still think
wow, it's my birthday,  cool
hopefully I'll do something fun
probably should start workin that out now
but
there's always birthday cake
which is awesome
and for some reason
49 seems cool again
which hasn't happened since 41 or 42
I think
whatever
I'm falling apart
and aging
but
maybe I'll get a penata or play pin the tail on the donkey like when I was a kid
who can say
I can't
it's a very real possibility

next week is a promo reset so weird hours again

don't freak out
I don't know when the internet will be fixed
I will be getting up in the middle of the night
and going to be in the afternoon
I might be grumpy
plus
I have to go to dinner with my mom
on Thurs or Fri
after I'm done
but
you are not the source of the grumpy
even if I get grumpy
which
ya know
I might not
it went pretty good last time
so we'll see
should have gotten up early today
but decided to sleep late instead
yesterday
I went to tjmaxx and they had "free people" there, which I was inclined to just pass by as a trendy brand, but
they looked so slouchy bohemian
I had to try them on
and I found one shirt I liked
I bought two
they are navy blue
same shirt I mean, just quantity two
I do that when I find a shirt I really like
it's part of how I wear the same stuff for years and years
well, and I wash everything on delicate

i love you

I'm a little worried about you
but
I'm not sure why
hopefully everything is ok
and
you had a great new year