i'm doing a reset

but
I'm doing it a little differently
I'm going in at 8pm
working til 4am
so
I'm trying to stay up
but
I'm tired
my head hurts
and I just heard a love song to another
undying love
and I want to cry


I went to breakfast with B the other day
she's maybe 22 now
and i thought we were going to talk about her
she had had a strategy for ceasing
virginity
we had discussed
last time we had breakfast
she's like the daughter
I've never had
but
she worked me around to talking about me
and you
which I had had no intention of doing
and
to be clear
she doesn't know who you are


are you sure you don't have one of those
pattern things
no, I say
I can't be absolutely certain
I've seen no evidence of it in other things
but
I have to leave open the possibility
that I'm completely insane


well, that makes it unlikely that you are


yeah, that's what I say
but the more information
she pulls out of me
the more she is looking at me
like I'm shooting up in public restrooms
or cooking meth in a camper in the desert


and I'm like
I don't care if you think I'm crazy


but that's not entirely true


one of the things that's good
about all this
my whole life
I've had a fear
that I'd end up in a mental institution
and
having to deal with all this
has made me more confident
that I can hold it all together
at least superficially
so I'm unlikely to become non-functional


I really like to talk to you, she says
I feel like I understand myself better
(whatever that means in this context)


well, I say
I'm glad I could be your fucked up role model