it's thursday

the giant visual metaphor bubble
maybe you know what i'm talking about
it's a thing that i do
where what i'm doing and seeing and experiencing
becomes experientially narrative, see

anyway
what i'm trying to say
is that it doesn't always work to my advantage
menstrual blood is, like, the fucking red sea
and i hate it
but
i swear to god
right now
right
now
i could do one of those wemoon festival

no
now wait
that's outta control
and you can't be telling him stuff like that
men are afraid of all that menstrual crap
and you're gonna look crazy
or not sexy or whatever, but not good
not what he wants to hear

the menstrual cycle + werewolf mythos =
something interesting there

re: devouring you
consuming subsuming you within my body
animalistic fantasy without words

you do that too, right

suck whatever you're doing up into the fantasy
sort of a ritual embodiment
of the thing you're doing
sort of an investment of meaning
but sort of just a fantasy too
and maybe the edge of that is ticklish or hot
or maybe it's a blanket i wrap around myself

whatever

the ghost of the tilt-a-whirl

remember, can you
the sparkling desert carnival
where the evening stars bloomed in the sky
like the cactus
after the rain

we walked together, sharing a beer
with the cool of the evening rubbing against us
begging the question
of friction

then
hands clasp
we ran across the dryness
scattering integument
until we reached the naked truth

plunging into and through one another

secret oasis

stay with me in the desert tonight, my body a nest of stars
and show me
nodes

i trace the letters of the name of another woman across your chest
above your heart
and i say:

who is she
the woman you gave your heart to
i want to know
i can handle it
but
you shake your head tapping the other side

as i press ear and cheek to you
i sink
into the sound of the sea

mrs. potter's lullaby

i heard it today
it's on the spool at work
i hear it every day, but i heard it today

and tonight
tonight i want you

hey, is this gross

i've been using this "peeling" exfoliant
and i love it
it feels awesome
and
i really want you
to rub that all over my back
partially because i can't reach
but
partially
because i just think it would feel really good

but
it might be gross to you
because the skin just peels away
and maybe you aren't cool
with that whole monkey grooming thing

and
i'd probably need to shower after
and then
i'd want you to soap my back

transmogrification

the other day
i took a bath
mostly i shower
but my back was aching

i had a cup of coffee
but what you may not know about me
is that i don't have a big cadre of cups just hanging out
and then i pick the mug by mood
i have, sorry, had
this big
pink
mug

it's size and proportion comfortable
it's material [thick porcelain] perfect in texture and heft
i bought it in a whole foods
like
maybe ten years ago

anyway
you probably saw this coming, but
i broke it

so yesterday
i went a couple places, looking for a new mug
the potter who made the first one
seems to have vanished
the guild of potters
disbanded

then i went to this little shop in the village

and i saw these beads
they are green plastic faux cinnabar
i mean they like glowed
but i didn't see china
i saw jaguar jade
mayan priestess necklace

i guess i was inspired

i've got to find some spacer beads
and
i need
because it came to me in a flash
one of those gold plated pre colombian frog pendants
like you could by in every museum gift shop world wide in the seventies

you had a wife and 4 kids

there was a bunch of dream
and i can't remember all of it

i was working with you
and a group of others
and
i was giddy
with the nearness of you
the project
which might have been a film
was going really well

then
your wife showed up to take you to the hospital
she had your two little girls with her
and when i asked them
[the girls]
where you were going
she said
you were going to pick up the babies
apparently
one was just in from
boston or philly
and the other from pakistan

what are you, brad pitt

i am very confused
why would you send me this dream

flying fishes

it was very complicated
there was soup
and there were magic capsules
and then
there were the bajillion pills distributed by the flying fish

i think the purpose was to elevate humanity in some way
we had to keep flying around the world
both for information
and to defeat those who wanted to stop us

it was too involved for me to remember all of it
but the flying fish
they were cartoon-ish
they sort of looked like the power puff girls
with their fins balled up like fists

i had twins, a boy and a girl

it was long crazy dreaming
there was a war on, or something
and i was trying to protect my babies
who were tiny
eight or ten inches long
and, pretty uniformly black
not even like African American black
but like the clothes i wear
black
and i was a little sad
because i didn't think you could be the father
and periodically
they would change into kittens

and
they came and told me
i did the inventory
completely wrong

olfactory

you know i've been on this skin care thing awhile
and
i've really been wanting to tell you
but
i keep thinking it's probably boring

so two three weeks ago now
i went to the face shop
i needed an emulsion
and i had this kind of fantasy in my head
they have a line called white tree snow
but i had just come off inventory
and i had bad braaaaaaains

so i had to wander

the face shop had the same girl who helped me before
she's attractive to me i guess
she's pretty i guess
and she could be cute if she wanted to be
but she doesn't
she wants to be serious
she is polite
almost perfect in that she greets you, makes you feel welcome
then leaves you completely alone
but
is ready to answer any question
or discuss her experience with the products
and when i finally left over two hours later
apologizing for taking up so much of her time, said:

not at all
i got my big shipment i've been expecting
and i got it all put away
and i feel like you were part of the process
besides
it's good to take your time
when you're deciding what to put on your skin

so i tried a bunch of foam cleansers
and i didn't like the white tree snow
i think the whole line is for young young women
but
i really liked the e'thym O2 cleanser
and
the mung bean cleanser
which was too cheap for me to feel safe putting it on my face

and the emulsion that i ended up getting was flebote crystal whitening
which i don't so much like the smell of
but
it just gave that sort of yes when it touched my skin

also
i got kelp sheet masks
but that's like a whole nother post

so that was in contrast to the place that sells the sooryehan

i went to the asian grocery i love
cause i needed toasted sesame oil and whatnot
so i'm trying to walk past the sooryehan store
but they're having a gift set sale
so i slowed down to look

and the old woman who works there
she spots me
you need something lighter for the summer
that was true
that had motivated my emulsion shopping
so
she pulls me in

she remembers isa knox
and she shows me something
more moisture
summer dries your skin

yes it was moist
but
i walk over to the hyo
i want this
do you have a set with this

she turns to the young girl
she's go good
she knows

she turns to me:
this most popular in korea

so i was trying not to spend money
and i ended up with something i wanted
plus samples of the rest of the line

and
finally
here is the olfactory

after i wash my face
i tap the toner sample onto my hand
and it smells
amazing

like
floating through an atmosphere
where my molecules are permeable to

i can't even say

flower
rain
mana

and
not just the scent
physical sensation as scentual experience

i smell that
until the wave passes
and then
i put the on the serum and emulsion and eye gel cream
and press my hands into my face

[and the thing is
i've been using this baby collagen serum
and i felt like it was working
but
this stuff
a.) i don't care if it works it feels great
b.) seems to make my skin feel younger]

when the scent begins to evanesce

i pat on the flebote
which has this strong floral scent
which is slightly jarring
but when the emulsion sinks in
it's like i can feel the resveratrol
or

it holds my face in warm embrace

chat

1) co sleeping and Oedipal issues
2) nasal orgasm [as derived from scent]
3) what makes a male a man [verses masculine]
4) how did platonic come to mean sexless
5) that thing you know i want to know

bird of paradise

there's this way we
sleep
the points of connection
the ever so slight
nuanced snuggle
extrapolates
gesturally

the length of your arm across me as we sleep

award winning essay found

i had a lot of dreams
can't remember most of them
but
in one
there was some official something
a foundation or something
they were giving a presentation
and they thought i might want to see
this
and this was a printed copy of an essay
which i had submitted to them
when i was much much younger
and it was now being awarded something
and touted around
i was amazed
somewhat pleased
and totally preoccupied
with a baby
i think, also from the past
intense

there was something ceremonial

there was a long table
and the president
[of something]
was standing in front of it
i was walking along the length of it
some kind of ceremony

also
there was a speaker
at a college auditorium
i watched him from one side
walked through
watched him from the other side
i held him in reverence
but
by the end of the speech
i was in his light
he could see me
the audience could see me
and
that was somehow right

someone
[interviewer maybe]
was talking with the queen
asking her why she wore girdles
why she didn't just
show herself in all her glory
but
she started telling a story
about her son she lost in the 70s
and
the skin
all along the jaw
of the prince consort
was peeling away in ribbons

early for the next three days

promo change
so
weird brain
time change
for the next bit
maybe

maybe
it'll be good for me

and

p.s. i love you

there was only one really interesting thing in my dream

i was at a college
[possibly attending
possibly not]
there was this painter
he looked like somebody
but i just can't place who
i found him fascinating
and i was watching him paint

he was painting this popular girl
a beautiful girl
but
when he finished
he had painted her in a mask
ski mask
luchadora

getting up very early

gonna try
to write dreams
thinking about you darlin
you are my shining star
burn bright

weird little thoughts

i had this weird little day dream today

i was in the kitchen
and i told my daughter
to make that dish she's so good at
so we can have some on hand

it get's her every time

i imagine it now
she's irritated that i want her to do something
she feels proud
the one she's so good at
she feels confused
what have they had
what do they like
what is she best at

they war across her face
in a way that makes me love her

she strides across the kitchen to a bowl

i think sometimes
choices
they have to make as many as possible
from the youngest age possible
learning to decide
is the most important thing

and then
sometimes i think
for you
for them maybe not
if they are fast to make choices

something else


i really don't know why that is what i'm thinking of

what's happening now

i feel you so strongly

what are you doing to me

i love you sweetheart

have a beautiful day

i'm doing inventory tomorrow

so
i'm going in at 3:30a
i did the pre-work already
[hopefully well]
so
tonight's an early night
and tomorrow is all whack

hopefully it will go even smoother than last year

luck to me

also
i'm driving my mom to that workshop in eagle pass
they re-booked her
which is awesome
except for when it is
and
that she doesn't want to go to marfa again
which was the whole reason i wanted to drive her to begin with

so
i'm looking for a spa
i'm thinking massage and facials and mud baths
unless i can come up with something
better

i love you pumpkin

dreams

the last few nights
i haven't retained my dreams past waking
something
about a grocery store
something

but
last night

i was my sister
and you were your brother
and we were in a room
but we weren't alone

and you're all like:
hey, what's wrong with you

and i'm all like:
see that guy over there, he's my gynocologist
and it's making me uncomfortable to see him here

there was weed smoking going on in the room
[for the record, i would never have a male gyno-- eeeww]
this guy seemed like a used car salesman
and there was some reason
i'd had to find one quick
and he'd been it
but i wasn't comfortable with him
especially not socially

so
i looked at you
and you were different
than you look
you, or your brother, rather
looked like this guy
and when i went looking for pictures
this was the first one i found
which is some bizarre synchronicity
so i include it here

anyway
maybe we were smoking weed
or maybe not
but we did this thing
where we breathed into each other
and

it tasted
like
butter

does that seem right

ok. i got the tower 3 times this morning. what gives.

are you sick?
injured?
is something awful about to happen?

i'm so not ok with the tower.

last night i dreamed i was

justin bieber

well
not exactly
i dreamed that i was all done up like jb
i lived in a house with a buch of really cool women
and for some reason
i had bought the one couple and their kid an apartment
and now i was living with a really bossy woman
and she had me lookin like justin bieber

now
i gotta admit
i had to look up justin bieber
because
i really have no idea about him
he looks like he's 12
and kinda pretty for a guy
but
songs are ok for pop

i found it disconcerting

i dreamed i was travelling by train

maybe that was something you sent to me
i don't know
i have been having, lately
very stressful dreams
things that make me wake up tired
and today
i just wanted to stay in bed, dreaming

i didn't feel
as stiff and sore, waking up, as i have done
and there was some optimism

that may be
premature
because i still have
uncertainties about important things

but
if you're gonna send me stuff
pain reduction
optimism
and
a feeling of comfort
are good

really really good

would it freak you out

i'm thinking about
taking a voice class
it's free
but
it's at the Unitarian universalist church
which is marginally christian

whirlwind
X

i didn't know what i was going to say, until just now

but this
this floats

bad puns become metaphors
with love
on love
whatever
love sells it

how did you know you wouldn't lose me

i wonder about that, sometimes
i twist it back and forth
not
anymore
like worrying the cheek i just bit

more like a dog with one of those ears

[i was almost all girl-y poetical]

untying knots in the fringes

jesus there is no way i can post this now
this is sounding way negative
and it's not

i've been thinking

dream to me sweets

beloved, lie with me

and
this wasn't just any grilled cheese
real bread, dense texture, chew-y crunchy
real cheese, smooth, firm, slick
tomato, warm, grilled
avocado still slightly chill
and the fries

cut from a potato directly into the basket in which they will be submerged into oil

lightly dusted with salt immediately
after withdrawal

and what do we drink with this feast
as i watch the flames dance across your face
do the dance
is that too trope
or do they lick and tease

i want suddenly to lick your cheek
just to taste you in an animal way that isn't even really sexual
or maybe it is
but not like that

you taste
of salt
and
recognition
i know you
like that

that time
that you told me your back hurt
and i didn't give my line
i want to make up for that now
it want to anoint you baby
in something
food grade

i'm not playing around about the massage
i'm interested
in where you hold your tension
what depth will my thumbs sink into your shoulder blades
and these things aren't sexual either
well, they are
but not like that

now
if i find the sweet spot in your twisty bendy fascia

that 
that will be 

hot

and i want to roll around a lot
we might have to spend days and days
to learn
all of each other

or maybe not

that
feels like something we already did somewhere
back before the road, even

i hope everything's good with you

i am having
issues
my head hurts--  bad
and it's gotten progressively worse all day
my neck and shoulders
are all jacked up
and i have cystic acne all along my jawline
wtf

i just keep imagining
we're at big sur
we just walked down to the diner
got french fries and grilled cheese sandwiches
and we're having a picnic
in the cabin
in front of the fire

i love you very much

i went to trader joe's

i like trader joe's
it's cute
and it reminds me of california

because i decided to start a detox
well, that's been in the works
i ordered some organic grains from that farm in iowa
i know they say buy local
but
i met them
and
i need some of that iowan energetic structure
in an you are what you eat kind of way
and
since i met them
i know it's grown with love

oat bran and black quinoa, mostly

anyway, trader joe's
i got almond milk and bananas
to make breakfast drinks with the maca and chia i already have
and i bought supplements

so here's my plan:

6x a day
4 very green
1-2  milk thistle
1-2  kyolic
1-2  pycnogenol

he idea being 1 for the first 4 doses
2 for the last 2

and lemon water, lots of lemon water

and today
i started happy happy blood times
i'm averaging the one i didn't have
with the 2 that i had the month i tried to get on birth control pills

i'm not giving in on this one

a sign from god

i hadn't even asked for one

i don't want to run through my whole day
it might make things make more sense
but
it's not where i want to go right now

the moment came
at sushi choo choo

jw girl at work
got herself onto the news
fashion segment

which is cool and all
but i had no plans to watch it
i don't actually like her
it's a lot of little reasons why

had
anyway
forgotten about it

i missed my first period in 35 years
i had a problem with my bank card i had to go to the bank to address
i just worked more or less overnight the last two days
to totally reset my promotions
which is still filling my head
and i had to do my orders today because i'm off tomorrow

believe me when i say i'd forgotten

sushi choo choo

the waiter seated me across from the tv
not what i would have chosen
but i didn't seat myself

it was set
to that channel
and i saw her

(without sound
the best way)

but
the message
from god
wasn't about (shit, i almost said her name)

it was more like:

chill, i still got your back, timewise
right time right place, all that jazz

imagine

i'm giving you a gift
no
not the gift
i bought you a shirt
to feel good against your skin
it's a silk knit
like gossamer milk
with sleeves you can push up
and
maybe
pockets
i'm not sure how you feel about pockets
and
now
i'm kinda thinking
pants
of a similar fabric
for lounging
and such

last night

i imagined
it was like a vision
we were in our bedroom
it didn't really look the way i picture it
but
the sense of it was
strong

we got into bed
and
i felt the way
a way
the we could fit together
casually

it might be awkward
but it wasn't
you kissed my neck
but from the front
sprawled across me
i could feel your weight against me

i could feel you

your weight

and

i loved it

i've got a wacky work week

so
if you don't hear from me
as much
or at the times you might
expect
don't be sad
don't think that i'm ignoring you

i know you can't answer this

but
how
and
really
i'm trying to make sense of my life

thoughts

i see my mom
once a week, almost every week

previously
i would see my mom
quarterly

i am
not sure
this isn't changing me

we had a reasonably good day i guess
we went to breakfast
we talked about
ongoing
topics

we bought tubes of a face mask i pre-tested
i gave her perfume for mother's day

i think that was good

she used to like shalimar
i didn't know whether or not she still liked it
maybe something new would have been better
but

i think it was good

then she wanted me to help her with vitamins and supplements
but
and i'm leaving a bunch of story out here
it couldn't be more than two

we were at gnc
and i kept trying to be sneaky and get two big vitamin systems
so one bag, many pills
but she just kept saying soy
it contains soy

so i finally found
and it was a puzzle

resveratrol  & fish oil + co q-10

so yeah
heart health
but high antioxidant too
and mobility of joints
eyes, brain, general neurological function
cell energy

but she had been listening to me
because she's like:

wait
i thought you said carnatine was important for heart

yes
but that would push us to three

ok, fine three
i'll take three

plus the packets of emergen-c
that you're already taking

yes, plus that
does that give me a muti vitamin

well, not exactly
it gives you c and b vitamins

i'd really like to see you get some d

i have some d vitamins
for my osteoporosis
i'll take those



i'm worried about her

remembering chairtime

the sign of the cat

it was a one horse town
and i only went there to see you
which
made it a frontier town
cue the spurs

kiss me kiss me kiss me

we circle, matador
flores por los muertos
shirt off your back
celuloid kisses

stella

and
her lovely voice like wine
with the colored lights, and the chipped ice
brother sun, sister moon
hoodie raga

give me a unit of road
and be quick about it
for it's a long night
with miles to go

bitter-sweet, blackness

X

the skin rituals
they are sensual
maybe
even sexual

the feel
the scent

and
i mean
i guess it's mostly
just me

but i feel you,  monterrey mist on my skin

i want it
it gives me pleasure

butterfly kisses, how much we've changed

so what surfaces

talk all you want
about magical thinking
i've sewn your shadow to me by mistake

what shall we make of a windy wendy house
a strong hazel broom for the dust
head over heel
jack and jill
water pail

and spoon
crazy mambo dances
to the moon, man, and beyond

can we go out into the wilderness
and bring the vision


home

don't freak out

if i'm not making any sense today
i'm a little high
and maybe a bit drunk too

just let it wash over you
and see what surfaces

tonight's reading

somehow this answers and fails to answer all my questions

but this is us

just to clarify

i'm not saying i want to do fillers

i'm pretty happy with the results i'm getting
and
i wasn't bad to begin with

however
i'm late with happy happy blood time
so i'm worried that i may be building up toxins

it is a seasonal change
and sometimes it does that
to readjust to the moon phase it likes better [seriously]

so i'm not freaking out yet
but the fact that my mind goes there naturally
lets me know
i'm not 100% comfortable
with
even just the rubbing of frankenstein cream on my face

whatever

you probably weren't worried

i've had a weird day

i couldn't sleep last night
or i didn't try very hard to go to sleep
and that happens with some regularity
i'd normally just go to work on three hours sleep
but
i woke up with a migraine-esque headache
and again i'd normally just go to work
but
i didn't

i decided i needed no to
and i thought i'd spend the day
writing to you
but
i didn't

i felt bad
but i couldn't go back to sleep
[repeated texts]
so i mostly watched videos on youtube

i watched this whole documentary about this woman in romania
having a 158 pound tumor removed
but it was voice-over-dubbed in russian
almost an hour

then i watched plastic surgery videos
i am shocked and amazed to see all the things fillers can do
i been religiously
putting baby collagen growing serum on my face
boom
five minutes with filler

that botox is some messed up shit though
i'm not doing that, ever

i wanted to talk about some serious stuff
but now
i don't want anything heavy

i'd like to just collapse against you
i'm not even sure i could handle anything much else
but i do wish i could kiss you
and
maybe we could flop down onto something comfortable
and watch something mind-numbingly beautiful
or have the kids run back and forth
over the top of us
till we finally pull them down into a big heap with us

that's what i want to do tonight
we'll have to conceive them on another night

i love you

what will he think of that post

nope, not that either

i watched the boxing episode of battlestar galactica last night
and all the dynamic between starbuck and lee
some of it i only understand intellectually
it seems all tied up
with their
past
in ways completely foreign
some of it i find just confusing
but
when they are fighting
until each is so exhausted
that they are holding each other up
so the fight won't end
and
starbuck says: i missed you
lee says:  i missed you too
and she smiles
because she realizes that something vital is intact

that
i understood viscerally

i wanna tell you what happened on my official visit

i was worried
i really didn't know what to expect
the dist manager k. came by early to make sure
i guess, that he knew what he was going to be walking into
it wasn't perfect
it wasn't bad

he asks me sample questions
he gets my answers
he tweaks my answers
[he doesn't care about this visit]
he tells me:
now they may have feedback for you
try not to take it personally
[he isn't addressing this to me, specifically
he doesn't know me
it's more of a general warning to a junior officer]

he comes back with them
them is my arch nemesis [the chick i gotta ask for dough]
and one of the buyers, let's call him pete
handshakes all round

pete turns to me and says: what's working for you
and i tell him, in some detail

he starts telling me about company exclusives
i mention one that's been doing extremely well
he mentions some awards another line has won
gold for the cab and the chard and silver for the pinot

really, i say, i think the pinot is the best one
i think so too, he says

he takes a picture of my sake display
blah blah blah

they have a plane to catch
handshakes all round
the district manager says:
i'm gonna be seeing you
[only he says it like that means something]

he takes them out
he comes back
he shakes my hand again
you were really great with pete, he says

he was a lot of fun
i answer back

he stops
he looks quizzical:
yeah, he's a good guy i guess
we just come from different worlds
i'm operational

[i'm not really sure what i'm supposed to take away from that]



i sort of think it was a good visit

i hope you got to read that

because i didn't feel comfortable leaving it up
i don't think it's a good story
but i do think
it makes me feel exposed
and
yesterday i found out i had some kind of inspection today
and that also made me feel vulnerable
and
that wasn't what i wanted from that story
it's too much wind up
i thought maybe i could weave it
but
it loses the poetry
it loses the zen


maybe you're unhappy that i didn't finish
i'm sorry
and i feel awkward now

ok so i've been trying to decide how to approach that story

and
i'm just getting myself confused
and further and further removed
from the actual story
so
here's what i'm gonna do
i'm gonna
imbibe
and then i'm gonna write
and
we'll just see what i get
not claiming it will be the story
but
i'm gonna start it the way i decided to write it
and
we'll see what happens
and you'll see
writing in real time

go

it occurs to me that i left out something, possibly important

the question i asked god

was
yeah yeah, blah blah blah
give me a sign
we know we know

but, i remember now there was more

i was muttering some small bit about
work

so this might have been
about what
about career

counseling

i asked god for a sign today, and i guess i got it, but it kind of traumatized me

thirty-year-old sushi guy
i don't think i mentioned
is a student
he's in junior college

and i guess he's in an english class, or something
so he asks me to read "his paper"

he makes some comment about it being late
but how if it's amazing he can get away with it
and he talks a little bit about what a good writer he is

so
i'm thinking
ya know
that it's a finished paper, and he just wants
i don't know
advise about making it perfect

but
i mean
jesus christ on a popsicle stick
this is not even coherently a paper at all

he read an essay
which, in fairness, i haven't read
but, even so, i think he is speaking to what he read
but
is it possible that he really thought that that was a paper

i think i may have not been a very good friend
i tried to give him useful advice
but
i don't think that's what i should have done

it was the first moment
[reading his paper, that is]
in which i was profoundly grateful that i did not become a college professor

it began with the most passive version of not really saying anything that i think i have ever read

'it is the case that in life there are many things which are beyond the control...'
but it wasn't clear if that [or anything else in the first paragraph] was an assertion of the author of the essay or the author of the paper.

anyway
he's talking about a victorian essay on finding what one truly likes
or something
and he was saying that the author was gay
and he had a subtext [i'm paraphrasing]
he was asking his readers to consider what they really liked
rather than liking what they were told to like
and, i mean you get it
it could be an interesting paper, or not

but
he seemed to be supporting his point
by using outside sources to say the guy was gay
[yes, he says, that's what he's using the outside sources for]

and i flash back to high school
what do you know about what this teacher expects, i ask him
because i got into all kinds of trouble
trying to make assertions about the motivations of the writer
english teachers don't usually want you to really make you own assertions
they usually want you to collect a group of approved scholarly types
who have already had your thoughts, and quote them

and
i tried to explain to him about passive sentences and why it really is better
to have a subject, verb, and object
and how much stronger a short paper it might be
if he stated, oh, like  in his essay "blah blah" M. Blah states blah blah blah
and when he does that what he is really doing is blah.
and then proceed to show with examples from the text
those points

so
what we learned here is: i'm a bitch, right
i mean
if he didn't know that stuff
probably
i should have been nicer to him

but
how do you get though high school without learning that
he took me by surprise

but
i had a similar experience with my mom a few weeks ago
she is taking some sort of public speaking coaching
and she had written a speech
she wanted me to proof read it
tell her what i thought
now
my mother can write
she understands that
she just didn't really take into account who she was talking to
she's making a shell argument
because she's trying to convince people that they need to be more creative
only she doesn't really care about that
what she really wants is to sell them lessons

so she starts out with an argument meant to persuade non-creative types
only she doesn't fact check
so there are things that are just wrong
and then she seems to get bored with it
like, whatever, i gave you enough reasons
and starts talking about how our inner creative self might be our soul
[which, under normal circumstances, i might say: hell yeah, cool
but coming at the end of this let's-appeal-to-the-left-brain attempt
made me want to dismiss her entirely]

i told her it would be a stronger argument if she chose her audience
although i'm thinking now
you could do a two pronged argument
if you set it up that way
that might even be stronger, in fact
appeal to a mars and venus type dynamic
show how creativity training could benefit each type respectively


so
i'm asking you now:
what is wrong with me

what is this experience supposed to be telling me

untitled

have you thought about me
have you
do you still dance with the lollipop kids

is there a shiver spot
on the tightrope
between
here and
now

i psychoanlyze
myself

and last night i dreamed of baking brownies
with cacao and ice cream, and oddly, mayonnaise

you had built up
bar by bar a structure
made of dough or sushi, particle or wave

i had to finish it
perfect the edges
fill the gaps
to win the second round of i'm not sure what

then i was baking
eight perfect bars

that was where the brownies came in

the cards say
who's your daddy

do you want me to write you, mr okada

the once and future

it's 4/20
and i'm celebrating
it's been a long time, and i don't remember
this exactly either

and
i miss you
or
maybe my imaginary you
sitting around
talking
being together

would that be anything like i imagine
because
i imagine you definitely
a particular way
and sometimes i think you see how i see you
but i'm not sure how much of it you really see

you're interesting
not that you talk a lot necessarily
but you have thoughts and observations
that are off beat and slightly random
in a way i find stimulating

but i realize now
i don't write you much dialog in my head
for good or bad
it's mostly tone

you know a lot more about me
how i think and what i like
and what i might say
i feel like that, anyway

do you feel like you know me well

yellow glass heart sutra [i'm writing you a story, i hope]

about a week ago
i was in an overlapping place in time
and
the key
was a yellow glass pendant of kwan yin
heart sutra etched behind her in chinese in the background

the story, i hope
is the overlapping

i don't think this can have been you

because i don't think there had been enough time
for you to have read it
and gone to sleep
and
dreamed it at me

so
maybe
it's me
or
it's god
or maybe
you just thought it at me
really hard

i can't be sure which i believe
but
here's what i dreamed

i was having a stressful dream
i had forgotten to order paper coffee cups
and scott was yelling at me
then i was eating
some kind of exotic tofu dish
when someone
let me know there was a problem with another vendor

then i was sitting at a table
telling someone
that i had a test the next day
and i didn't know what it was over
that there was no hope of better than a C
because i was going to just go off my general knowledge

suddenly
a handsome man leans in:

you and i
we are going to get some cacao smoothies

and i'm all like ok

and then
this woman
who i don't recognize
who has been talking to a group in an adjoining area
she comes over and starts berating me
for not attending to what she's been saying
apparently she's my boss
and she's giving me the test tomorrow

and then
it was 6am
and i had to get up to go to my
wow we just told you about it on friday
work meeting
on my day off

and i said to myself

we are going to be getting cacao smoothies

but
then i thought
maybe it was god
finally deciding to answer me
about what my next step in life needs to be

i've been having very stressful dreams

please send me some
filled with
what you want "us" to look like
i'm not askin ya to tell me, understand
i'm askin ya to dream it at me

today is not going well

i had nightmares
i damaged my eye somehow
in my sleep
it is red and scareing me
i am working 4am to noon, or whenever
i need a hug
today
so far
sucks

i'm doing laundry and i just realized something

all those colorful clothes
that i ever mentioned
i don't wear them at all
i'll go to brown, plum, gray
i will on occation go to blue or ocher
but i just will not wear
no matter how good it looks
brights and patterns
or, really pastels
orange shirt, once
sleeveless patterned shirt/jacket, never
blue and orange tie dye, twice
but once was to sleep in
i proved my lesson again
do not buy those things
i just cannot be comfortable in them
weird, huh

i hope you get what i'm trying to say and don't just think i'm being stupid

i'm feeling very grateful for you today

even if
this is all
it's still pretty awesome to love you
and to get to use my imagination in a way
that i never would have
without there being you
and
i was thinking
that i need more
but
that can mean
a lot of different things
not just what i want it to be
and
so
grateful
rather than
whatever

paris review

i was in the barnes & noble
i don't usually go there
but today i just got a wild hair, and that's where i ended up

i checked out the news stand
because
the way you like the newspaper
i enjoy magazines, journals really
and i haven't read a magazine since i don't know when
or read a book
i'm a little too a.d.d.
or i couldn't really see
or
something

anyway
i decided
in that sort of sudden and solid way
that sometimes overtakes me
that i want to read the paris review
like from now on
and
this issue is the 60th anniversary issue

i think i've been picking it up
and then putting it back
for 30 of those 60
enough
already
i bought it

i haven't read it yet
but
i looked to see who the interview
was mark leyner

i don't know mark leyner
and i thought it would be fun
like an awesome tie in
for my first time reading the paris review
to read a book by the interviewee
his newest [2012] is the sugar frosted nutsack

and

i think

i'm gonna like it

i can't remember the question

everything is strange

it' happy happy blood time
and nothing seems calm or rational
i'm assuming you're ok
i'm assuming we're ok
i keep feeling you
or i think it's you
maybe it's me
and you seem agitated
be happy
you have a good life
you'll be fine no matter what happens
i love you
very much

sign posts

last wednesday i had a conversation with god
well, i talked
look god
i don't know whether
i can't hear you because i'm too embroiled in working
or because i'm less crazy
or maybe it's that you think i've gone off track
you disapprove of my actions
or lack of actions

so
if you could give me some sign
something to let me know
something
i'd really appreciate it

so
i went to work
and i had to do this change over thingy
and i had a packet of signage and whatnot
now i had been most concerned with the part of the packet
that let me know what i needed to order
and where everything had to go
because normally i barely get it in enough time to order that stuff
and this time it came in plenty of time

but
i didn't open the packet to take everything out
i just took out what i was concerned with
saw that it looked like the right amount of stuff
and didn't worry about it

however
when i went to put up the feature signs
they weren't there

and i knew they were theoretically
in a folder somewhere, reprintable
but i couldn't find where
and i was freaking out

i wrangled sushi-thirties-guy into helping me look
and, eventually, we found them
then
i had to reprint them all
and i still got done pretty much on time

so
what was the sign in that
i mean it was all about signs

i'm not sure

then yesterday, on the road, i asked god
if he's upset with me and wants me to turn around
show me one large bird
[i had been seeing solo large birds all the drive up]
if he's not upset with me and everything's ok
show me two little birds flying together

i saw not one bird of any size
the whole way home

so
hey god
does that mean
neither of those fits
or
you aren't speaking to me anymore

so now i'm unreasonably worried
that you are pissed with me
even though the whole thing was just some shit i made up
so why would you be mad
but then i told you about it, didn't i
so maybe you're mad about that
and radio8ball is down

so i'm frantically asking the cards
and they are fucking with me, totally

but here's what they say you feel about me, right now

and now

and now

and those aren't bad, actually
but earlier they were all bad
and
before that
it said that you were involved in a very profitable
or potentially profitable
i'm gonna say
networking session
when i was wanting you
and that it was better for you to have been where you were, really

which is not the degree of specificity that i frequently get
so i'm inclined to think
psychic flash
but hey
who can say

anyway
whatever
i hope you're good
and
i wish i knew
what all my signs and lack of signs
mean

i'm sorry my darling

i thought if it was meant to be
we'd find each other
but
even if you wanted me
the people
and the sun
are too much for me
and i just feel beaten down
and i hardly got out of the car
i guess i'm not any fun any more
a place can't impress me
unless it is both
naturally beautiful
and
almost completely empty

i would turn around
i'm not that far
but
i don't believe you ever
expected to meet me
unless it was through
appropriate channels

maybe i'm wrong

i feel you very strongly all the same
i love you like wildfire
but
i'm crying a little
so close
and yet
so far

editing parnassus

i was compiling a book
i wasn't writing it
it was for
a class
maybe
but not like for a grade
more like a teaching aid

i wish i could remember what

i know there was something
about
apollonian and dionysian

about form and performance

and
maybe that's a sign of something
maybe i'm working on something

10

i feel you out there

but i don't know what you're thinking

i fell asleep on the couch and i just had a really bad dream about my father

i forgot in the dream that he was dead
he wanted me to come with him, somewhere
i was busy doing something with a friend
i told him i needed to know where
we need to go and see the father, he said

you know what
no
i don't wanna do that now

and then
we were in a screaming fight
about how i'm sorry i'm such a disappointment
to both my parents

i'm having trouble typing half asleep

anyway
he got into a mud hole
and spit bones at me, or something

so
i'm all freaked out now

blah blah blah

so
the dreams were bad
but i don't remember much
i know my mom said she was gonna come to live with me
and that i needed to start saving up for my skinny dress [?]
and i had a job hanging fruit shaped air fresheners in porta cans


i figured out a way around the fact that i can't afford that eye cream
i've been using samples
which consist of little foiled squares you tear open
each one is 1ml
she told me to use each one for a week
[i feel a little bad not buying it from her, but
i cannot afford the $150. for 20ml]
so i found a pack of 30 samples for $30.
which i can afford
i don't really get a week out of the 1ml
i only get 5 days
but still this is almost a 6 month supply

sometimes when you can't afford the golden ticket
you have to find another way to make it work

i am testing a sample of a new skin cream
and i'm really liking it
i can't find a complete ingredients list

all these asian skin care products are a little sketchy on the details

take an adequate amount
makes your face feel embraced
makes face shiny and smooth

but some of these products are all big on science
i'd like to know what they actually do for your skin
so
i keep looking up bits and pieces of the puzzle
hoping i can figure out how to find out what i want to know

juvinity, for example, is a french ingredient
stops cell senescence

i've been using this stuff since beginning of january
and i love it, a lot
gonna keep using it

but it would have been great not to have to work so hard for the info

i had really bad dreams last night

and i have some stuff
that i want to tell you
but
i feel
constrained
and
it's confusing

the seduction of a fireplace and a heated floor

today
i saw a fireplace
well, it wasn't really a fire
it was really all l.e.d. lights, and it wasn't very satisfying
not in itself
but
it made me remember something

i once stayed in this little sort of attached cabin motel room
and it had been kinda spa-ified
it had a fire
which was a gas fire, but with stones
so it had a very satisfying look
but the bathroom was the best
it had heated floor stones
and the floor and shower and counter
were all beautiful stone

it was
amazing, actually
and it felt good
and it was the second place that i really thought:
this is a setting i'd really like to, you know
and
at various times
i have imagined us having a honeymoon there
although, since then, i've thought up some other places

but
i thought of that again today
and i wanted to tell you about it

and
i've wanted to tell you other things
that i couldn't find a way to say without sounding whiny
and i don't mean them whiny
so i didn't say them
but now
i have a context
a location

this april marks the fifth anniversary of my
quitting smoking
and quitting sex
and
i have been thinking about it
not the smoking, i don't think i could do that anymore
it makes me kinda nauseated when i smell it
but
i miss the sex
and
if i had realized that it would be five years
i don't think i would have stopped

and
i'm not sure it's something i'd find easy to pick right up again
is it like riding a bicycle
or
what

and
i thought that, for sure, we'd eventually get together, ya know
but, if you want to know the contents of my head
i'm not thinking it's really likely, anymore
and
i had a long talk with myself in the shower today
about all the things that might have led you to do that thing
and how none of them are probably gonna change
how you really are owned
by somebody else

and
i mean
none of this is new
and
i'm pretty sure i've told you all that stuff before

but then tonight i was out at dinner
and i saw that fireplace
and it made me think

of us
in that cabin
our first time
and it wouldn't be just like it was our first time
in an awkward and tender way
it would be my first time

and what would we do
what do i even like anymore

the thing i always liked
craved, really
was the energy
to feel the waves of energy travel
through my lovers body
to pass them back and forth
fully permeated
but then
i cannot lie
i like the friction too
it just isn't the first or the best thing

and
that being the case
i'm not getting better at sex by going it alone
and i'm not really going it, much
probably once or twice a month i make an attempt
just to satisfy the bodily need
when it becomes too strong
and it isn't really very satisfying

and
i think it's changed me

do i seem changed
i worry, sometimes

look, i say as i dance around

look at the way my white hairs
are co operating to be the most adorable
little bright highlights

i had been uncomfortable with them at first
had considered covering them with blonde
blonde would make better highlights, obviously
except
to make them blonde
i'd have to dye, or rinse, or whatever
all my hairs
not just the offending white ones
and
though that wouldn't change the color, as such
i decided it would, in all likelihood, change the tone
so i didn't
i just let it be
to preserve the beautiful color of my hair
until such time as there was too much white for it to be beautiful hair anymore
and then
then i'd reconsider the whole concept of dye

the whole mass of hair was beginning to look
better
it had been looking a little rough
frizzy, dry
i'm tempted to use words like grizzled
though of course that's not fair

i'm using a new shampoo and conditioner
i have no idea what they are called
who makes them
what they contain
they have a serum-like quality
and the bottles are purple with a phoenix bird
or at least i see it as a phoenix bird

i dance around again, shake my head
you love me you know, i say smilingly
yep, you found me out
what ya gonna do about that

hmmmm

what are you doing?

because either you are
thinking about me
with intensity
or
i need to go to the doctor
because
things have been
roller coaster-y
in a good
but
distracting
way
like
you're bringin the heat

very strange dreams last night

driving all over kansas
looking for something


i love you
i don't think you sent me this dream though
i think
i wish
i knew
what you think
future
distant future
looks like

that time revolution came!!!!!!!

WARNING: i learned a new skill and i used it a lot

it's good
and i've found out more
[exciting boring girly stuff]

i'm not sure which order i should tell this

ok
yesterday i had another headache
and by the time i got off work, i really needed to wander
so i went to ulta3
i tried on a bunch of eyeshadow
and i bought 2 colors
cargo: yukon and stila: black diamond

and
i think i might actually wear these, really

so then i had to clean it all off
a bunch of times, actually
with exuviance cleanser
which is a line i'm short listing because of this
[this is background]

so
i go home
and my package is at the back door
very excited

so
i mean
of course i put it on right away
and it feels pretty good
but i still had planned to wash my face and etc later
except that i fell asleep on the sofa

and when i woke up
my face felt great
except, i had forgotten about the time revolution serum
so i was trying to remember what i'd put on my face at ulta
just that cleanser
wow i guess i gotta buy that stuff it's awesome
which made me a little sad
because i'm kinda into my evening cleanser
and if i wanted to change i kinda want the eve lom now
[although, when i was younger
like before last fall
i pretty much always wanted cleansers that
are creams you rub on and tissue off
no water involved]

so anyway
i woke up a little more throughly
and remembered that

1. it was the new time revolution
2. it was free
3. i have a full sized bottle

so then i started doing more research

and, apparently it is a copy cat

of estee lauder's advanced night repair

i guess the patent ran out

and it's a cult classic

i mean, i remember my mom using that when i was in high school

i tried it then

and thought:  well this doesn't really do anything

but, hey, my skin didn't really need doing then

and besides

missha didn't really just copy

they improved on it

but seriously

this is so good that it makes me want to try

more time revolution stuff

i don't know

at least their other dupe

which is for this cult classic

anyway

i'm very excited

i want you tonight

it's pretty bad
i want to feel your skin
on my skin
i want
to hold you
and
i want to learn
how our bodies fit
together
and
together
come on baby
justify my love, or whatever
throw them to the lions
[it's possible that that is way too obscure]
if you got it
you can smile
now come
here
sweetness

just blah blah

i've had a headache all day

i also need to take my ginseng

i am still playing with my skincare
but
i think i will not end up with a bunch of steps
and
i think i will be doing this facial on all days off

i'm trying to decide if i have to abandon the snail cream
or if i can work it in somehow
if the little kernals of sebum it brings out
which i tend to pick at and get spots
if those are a sign of purifying the skin
or if they are irritation

the sleeping mask
[which was a delux sample, ie. small]
is the product i really like
it's only 15% mucin, but it has all kinda stem cells and baobab extract
it's slightly ointmenty texture and it seeps right in
it feels very hydrating
and i was using it last week as a first step after cleansing
not as a sleeping mask
and
i think i don't like toners
so i cleanse with this kick ass cleanser
i've been using it since beginning of january
it like eats your face and then soothes it with mucin
[which is what started the whole snail craze for me
only this isn't snail mucin
it's some kind of phyto-mucin]

then i put on a thin coat of snail sleeping mask
then the serum made by the same people as the cleanser
[isa knox x2d2 recovery 28 day turnover]
then ddf advanced firming cream
[which is super expensive {$130.}, but i bought from amazon for $35]
i've almost used that up, but i really like it

if i wear bb cream, or sometimes at night
i do the shea butter-tamanu mix
but if i don't wear any makeup i've been doing that combo
with eye cream samples from history of whoo
which are nice
but
not something i will be able to afford i think
and not amazing, anyway

at night i use the l'occitane oil
and then either the isa knox serum and ddf
or the shea butter-tamanu

i'm kinda obsessed
i want to find the perfect routine
the one that will make me age in reverse

i have another thing coming from missha
http://www.missha.ca/index.php?page=shop.product_details&flypage=flypage.tpl&product_id=588&category_id=13&option=com_virtuemart&Itemid=29
i get it free for their birthday
because i ordered $100. worth of stuff
which it doesn't seem like i'm really able to use
so fingers crossed with the night repair
[canadian site had the best description]

i really like the isa knox
and they have an "elastic" cream
that i am tempted to try when the ddf is done
the packaging is not all that appealing
http://www.amazon.com/Isa-Knox-Elastic-Power-Cream/dp/B005H4AW1Q

what is with the purple
and gold and fancy shapes
i know it shouldn't matter, but i would like them to look more
neutral, minimal, whatever
this is an appealing looking product to me:
http://www.evelom.com/on/demandware.store/Sites-evelomgb-Site/en_GB/Page-Show?cid=20120911_CleanserVideo

and
this is what i'm basing my facial upon
[i've never used eve lom]
except mine doesn't have mineral oil
and i use different essential oils
manuka, tansy, yarrow
but
why can't skin care look like this
beautiful, simple

i'm weird huh

what is he thinking:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=799179&Date=2%2F24%2F2013&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=571503&Date=2%2F24%2F2013&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

thinking, working, groking

date night

i'm having a little trouble

i picture us on a boat
first i thought a sailboat
but
i don't know how to sail
and, anyway
i don't want us to be busy with maintaining the environment

so then i thought ferry
but then
we are going somewhere
and i thought about the ferry from seattle to
what is it, bainbridge island
but
i don't want it to be going to dinner on the ferry
i want to be on the boat

so
then i thought:
well what does that leave
cruise ship, slightly yuck factor there

anyway
maybe it's a big boat
not as big as a cruise ship
and there aren't many other people around

fine

there is a band, somewhere nearby
playing softly
some vaguely

and

yeah the lanterns are good

keep the lanterns

lose the onlookers

and

dancing was what i was thinking

maybe not exactly like this

i pictured it

a little more

holding and swaying

maybe

maybe looking into your eyes a little

and then

the ship is out

away from the land

and the sky has been a little foggy

but then it clears, suddenly

or maybe we just look up just then

because the music has stopped

and it's natural to look

the stars are swirling and the sky is midnight blue

and then

like reflections from another world

the aurora borealis

glittering green

you take my hand

you know i love you, right

you ask my hand as i stare enraptured at the sky

it's nice to hear you say it though

i smile

and what would you like to do about that romeo

so this is the question i'm asking myself

am i giving you what you need
to be productive

do you need specific things
or just
ya know
love

do you need
specific kinds of attention

is it better for me to focus on you
the nest in the treetops
or
is it enough
to hear all my boring stuff

because i have tons of boring stuff
but
i figure
it's boring
and maybe will do in a pinch
so you know i'm still talking to you

but
i'm guessing
what really gets the creative juices going
needs to be a little more mentally stimulating
than the kick ass new facial i just invented

but
today
i'm sensing that you want something

or
maybe it's just projection

i want to go someplace

so i'm going to have to make up something

so
be looking for that later

good night sweetheart

did the thumb thing in my dream mean something bad:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=437454&Date=2%2F18%2F2013&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single


so, i guess no

is he in any way irritated with me:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=393404&Date=2%2F18%2F2013&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single


i guess that could really go either way, but
i'm going with no

upsetting dreams

got assignment to write about construction
it was giving me some trouble
and then
it seemed like every female character
got the top part of her thumbs cut off

what does this mean

i feel you so strongly right now

i dreamed i had facial piercings

i had one
on the bridge of my nose
that made me look
quite frankly
beautiful
younger
and sparkling

but then
i had an unfortunate additional piercing
they cut my cheeks
and put these little bone ornaments under the skin
which created these little pockets

this'll never heal up
i'll have these little pockets
on my cheeks
forever

the bone ornaments were kind of cool

i love you

red ginseng

is better than anti-depressants
it is not
good
or
normal
for me to be depressed
for that long
if I'm not thinking about sex
for months at a time
please urge endocrine tonics
i felt more normal after a tiny spoon
of red ginseng in my tea last night
than i have felt since fall

i ordered more maca last night

had you been near me
you would have been in danger of attack
last night

happy valentine's day, sweetness

bunny

this isn't so much a long complicated dream
although
i am prone to those
and there is an element of science fiction
but
i think the way it made me feel
was the most important thing
but
there may have been some message in there for me too

i was thinking today
how crazy it sounds
that you might send me dreams
that the dreaming is somehow a place
where we are able to communicate

i am probably crazy

and
probably
all this time you have thought
it was some kind of metaphor
but it wasn't
i really thought you could communicate with me that way

but
not lately
lately
i've been struggling
i feel like i'm a metaphor
like
can i give you what you need from me
and
what is that, afterall

and
i don't know
ya know

god won't talk to me at all
and
i've been a little afraid of going sane, ya know
i don't want to be sane
my life's not good enough for sane


so
anyway
this dream
there were babies
they weren't born yet
maybe they were being grown in some sort of brave new world-ness
but i don't think so
i think
i think they were just metaphorically interfaced
for the sake of the dreaming

they were in baskets
like large picnic baskets, sort of
not so different in shape from some of the carriers
people lug their bouncing bundles around

wrapped in white linen
like table linen in a restaurant
[maybe they were buns]

and we were discussing this one baby boy

he had been cooking a while, i guess
and he was big
my younger younger brother was three ounces shy of eleven pounds
this baby wasn't that big
but
he was
at least he seemed
done, so to speak, ready to come and play

they didn't know who he belonged to
they weren't sure what would happen to him

i went to the basket
i peeped in
i rocked the basket slightly
felt his weight shift
i smelled him
i crooned to him
and he reached out to me
with mental tendrils
like we could belong to each other

even though, i think
he might be someone else's child

i think, maybe
it could have been the puppyfish
but i'm not sure

but
i thought
you sent that dream to me
like
even though
it makes no sense
you don't want me to give up on
that dream

try to write it later

most amazing dream
baby boy
so
good

my skin

this is just to catch you up
i don't really expect you to find it enthralling
but
this is what i'm distracting myself with, lately

the korean skin care didn't really work out as planned

maybe
because missha is not a good enough brand
or maybe just because they use a lot of fragrance

fragrance bad m'kay

but
i was getting negative reactions
and
it was like my skin was saying:
ackkk   too may chemicals

so i started cutting back products
but then
i was at the whole foods
and there
calling out to me from the shelf
unrefined, handcrafted, raw shea butter
fair traded to boot, for $8.95
so i got, as well, a small bottle of tamanu oil

i've been hand blending those together
and slathering it on my face

i was a little afraid

shea is protective and moisturizing
tamanu can be drying because it is healing--
anti-acne, anti-bacterial, anti-viral
pro-regenerating new skin

shea sinks right in and dissapears
tamanu is thick and kinda gloopy, and green

and i've been putting bb cream over that
both so i look a little more normal
and
from an inspiration
i saw [when i was looking up makeup tutorials]
a documentary clip about how marilyn monroe transformed herself
with the help of a makeup artist
to go from pretty girl to icon

and
one of the things they did
was slather a thick coat of vasoline on her skin before makeup
which kind of glowed through
making her luminous

i was afraid that i might break out in horrible acne
but
i think my skin is getting better and better

i just worry that i'm not doing anything firming
because, i'm not worried about the wrinkles
i've not got more wrinkles than most of the women i know
who are in their early thirties

and
it's not like it's all slack either
but
it isn't tight and full like it should be

so today i am giving myself facial
i made an hibiscus steam
and then a hibiscus, honey and camu camu mask
[the idea behind this is vitamin c
which boosts collagen production]

i did the first mask with just those ingredients
and i mixed the left over with a clay mask i had
and i'm doing that now

fun fun fun

well
not really
but it's more like research

i don't mean

specifically sexually
except
when i do
mostly
i mean, maybe
maybe he only wants me small
or larger than life
maybe
maybe my quotidian charms lack sparkle
and for that matter
maybe he needs a keeper
and while i want to be a keeper
that isn't the kind
i mean

i worry

that you want me
but
you don't want me
in differing ways
depending
on what
i'm worrying about
maybe
you don't want me
the way i want to be wanted
do you
ever
worry about that

i love you

thinking about you

good morning sweetheart

i feel you this evening