nite chat: 4:1

my chest was hurting today
and i'm all like
omg, the rona got my heart
but then i'm like shut up fool
you haven't worn a bra for like four or five days
your muscles are probably just sore
and i've had a bra on
since like 4:30 this afternoon
and viola no more chest pain
it is a little tight
but i can't tell that that's any reason for concern
i can breathe
maybe i'll sleep in the bra
i hate bras

i couldn't really focus today

i keep thinking about john prine
i wanted to pray for him
but i wasn't sure what to say

ok god, i said
i'm not sure what's best for him
i guess it depends on a lot of circumstances
that i don't know anything about
but
i don't want him to die
the idea of him dying makes me
just really sad
and i know he's lived a long life
but
he's got more to contribute to the world
right

god's not talking to me about that


i hope you are doing ok
the trip out to the grocery pick up
was more than enough outside for me today
but
i might need to go for a walk
i just can't focus
i've got to get the anxiety under control

sunflower
dandelion
marigold/calendula
elecampane

that's what i'm up to for fairly certain
they're all yellow flowered weeds
sunflower doesn't seem to be medicinal to people
only bees
but the other ones are

i love you very much
goodnight sweetheart

quotidienne: coffee + toast 3:31

i'm having anxiety
i mean
on my surface i'm boppin along just fine
move along nothin to see here
but
inside
there's some roiling action going on

i'm having a big question about my psychic thing
saying everything's ok
how can that be right

then
i'm looking at the shaman in training that i follow on instagram
and, i mean, i'm not even sure i think she's trying
to be a shaman
what i really believe is that she wants to engage in
and lead "drug" ceremonies
not just ayahuasca
but i don't see her doing anything else
i would call shaman-y
so i'm not exactly hanging on her every word
but
she is going pretty hard on the not really a problem
with the zombie flu
like it's all a hoax to take our freedoms away
and
it's making me want to unfollow her
i'm definitely sympathetic to that mindset, generally
but
i started out thinking this was no big deal
looking at the "statistics" that were on the ground
back in february
but as stuff started to come out of milan
the information on the ground
didn't seem to support those "statistics"

and
this morning
my twitter feed
and i know, i know
twitter is not necessarily an accurate reflection of life
but it was blowing up with people in nyc
talking about their loved ones who died last night
and none of these people are dying with their loved ones at their sides
and
i'm gonna have to get this at some point
and i am afraid now

i've continued taking the poke root
i took it the first day
then not the next day
and i've taken it every night since
so, like, three or four times
one drop every time
i feel like it's improving my physical condition
whatever that is
and then last night
i decided to try something
i added 5 drops (which is a very small dose)
of motherwort
which has no toxicity and is good for anxiety
and is heart strengthening
and is good for "woman stuff"
i thought i might be about to start my period
and i'm worried about the virus hitting my heart
so i thought
focus the medicine on these two areas
that i'm concerned about
and then
i lay down in bed
and my heart did weird stuff
i've had it race before
that's a woman thing apparently
but this was not that
it felt like it was off rhythm
and it freaked me out a little
but then
i'm like
it's 5 fucking drops
whatever it is
it's not gonna kill ya
and then
i fell instantly to sleep

that's one of the things ya gotta know about me
i just pass out
i don't usually drift off
i'm like awake
and then
i'm out

i woke up
happy
with a gratitude for life
and all it's beauty
that, seriously dude, i never have
much less wake up with
and so

i'm not really sure how to take that as healer feedback
scary heart stuff
then
heart bursting with joy
maybe it had to clear out some shit
idk
but this is turning out to be
a very freaky
quarantine

i've been searching around
i haven't got
coherent thoughts
i will post something
still floating

Ok

I've been up

for a little while

I stretched out my left shoulder

in quite a satisfying way

I don't seem to have found the analogue

for the right one

I'm gonna take a shower

and then grab some coffee

I love you sweetheart

Stayed up too late

Sleeping in a little bit

I'll be up soon like maybe another 30 minutes

goodnight sweetheart
i'll talk to you tomorrow
probably getting up early again
had somewhat limited success with
not being on the computer all day
my end of the world friend says

painful eye muscles is one of the symptoms

occum's razor dude
shut up
today is day 10
well, 10 and 1/2 now
don't tell me some shit about eye muscle pain

anyway
whatever
i hope you're doing well
i love you very much

commentary: 3:30

what does this fucking man want

are reporters supposed to

offer to suck him off?!

oh thank you

thank you for finally, finally

taking this shit seriously

(or pretending to)

because it's all about PR folks

why aren't you lovin' me now?!

there's only today, right

no context

and what are you wasting you're time here

asking me rude questions

why aren't you

investigating those hospitals

I mean

if you go from only needing masks

for some patients

to needing them with every patient

and for all nurses and orderlies

for every patient

why would you use more masks

must be selling em out the back door

(that's what I'd do, 

but I'm not saying that out loud)

WTF!!

quotidienne: food thoughts 3:30

so
i have food pickup scheduled
at the heb tomorrow
between 5:30 and 6pm
which was the soonest i could get
they claim to have soy milk
and bread
and broccoli
the eggs were $7.
so i'm going to try to get those from imperfect produce
i'm not quite out of eggs
i'm really jones'n for a mushroom cream cheese omelet
i think between the two places
i might be able to make that happen by friday

imperfect produce has strawberries
doesn't that sound amazing
and lettuce
no cucumbers either place

i have chickpeas and beans
and some canned goods
so
i mean
i'll be ok if the fresh food supply chain breaks down
for a while
but
if that happens
i'm going down to one small meal a day
to preserve supplies
so
i won't be too happy then

mmmmmmm
salad with dressing made from fresh lemon and cilantro and olive oil
with red onion
all that can be mine
possibly as early as thursday night

and
i just had a pear and an orange
what do you think of that?!

i have a bunch of containers of water in the kitchen
in case i needed water
and they have been working
in two spots on the street
but
as far as i can tell
the water hasn't gone out

i ran down to the mailbox in a panic
because i was gonna check the mail
and i forgot until right at 9:00
and
i had a big debate about whether i should wait
because what if i got back from checking mail
and couldn't wash my hands?!
but
i reasoned that
probably
the water wouldn't go off instantly at 9:00
i was right
whew

quotidienne: coffee + toast 3:30

i'm a fan of getting up at old regular time
i think the nine and ten hours of sleep days are great
but my regular five or six feels good
when i'm caught up on sleep
i don't think going to bed early enough
to get nine or ten hours
and then get up at 6:30
is in any way possible
that would be
go to bed at 8:30
i didn't even do that when i was a small child
not even deborah
thought it was possible to make me go to bed
before 9:00
and then
all they could do was make me
go to my room
get into bed
with the light off
it
took me at least an hour
to think all the thoughts in my head
before i could fall asleep

i'm getting eye strain from being on the computer all day
every day
so
gonna try to not do that today

hope you're doing well

i was going to tell you about my dreams

but

they don't really work with this

and

i have to go to sleep

i need to have done all the water things

before 9am

so i can't sleep late

i might re-read the shamanic way of the bee

which i also read on that trip btw

i feel like my real self comes back

pretty quickly

when i don't have to go among the humans

i need to be able to support myself

without a job

goodnight sweetheart

i love you very much

nite chat continued: 3:29

sorry for the sloppy copying
i didn't want to just link to my receipt
wasn't 100% sure that wouldn't allow
unwanted access to all
i think it was the vortex angle
that really grabbed me
i walked right by a datura flower essence
from wildroots apothecary
with only a twinge of interest
and datura always catches my attention because

this disc of this album

is forever tattoo'd onto my heart

from the road trip i listened to it on

so

that ties in there too

and

with the whole sunflower thing

i knew it needed to be

i was thinking spanish

but spanish

is spanish

and what i needed was 

as it turned out

nahuatl

which was chimalxochitl

but

that turned out to be tied to the sun cult

and human sacrifice

and huitzilopochtli

the god of war

so

i'm all like no no no

and i did a search for chimalxochitl + quetzalcoatl

and i came up with

xochitecatl

which is a mexican pyramid complex

it translates to flower people or

lineage of the flowers

i now realize

though i was mistaking it in my mind for

teotihuacan

which is the pyramid on the coin

associated with quetzalcoatl

so

i'm not sure it all lines up

quite as perfectly as i thought

but

it's ok

it works for me

nite chat: 3:29

ok
so i did a kind of shaman-y thing
i guess yesterday
i bought some flower essences
now before you say
that's not very shaman-y
all flakey new age chicks buy flower essences
or
what the hell is a flower essence
or
how is a flower essence shaman-y
let me tell you

i've been seeing flower essences
it feels like everywhere
all of a sudden
and it's probably because i'm looking for tinctures
and if you make tinctures
you might also make flower essences
but
i have found myself to be very dismissive of the whole
flower essence experience
and
i'm not sure why i'm having that reaction

when i was a teenager i discovered the whole bach's flower essence system
at the health food store
and i tried a bunch of them
and
i never felt like any of them did anything
except the rescue remedy
which i found to be incredibly effective
especially in the spray and the cream formats
i'm pretty sure i had those in my medicine cabinet
throughout my twenties

but
by my thirties
i was swayed by the stronger effectiveness of herbal supplements
that i never really looked back

but then yesterday
or the day before i'm not 100% sure now
someone i follow on instagram was recommending
other makers they love
and one of them was a flower essence maker
and i trust them
if they say the shit works
i believe it
so i was intrigued and i liked the name
and it turned out to be a guy
which also intrigued me
because i think of flower essences as being
ya know
pretty heavily weighted toward women
[dr bach notwithstanding]

so
interest piqued i looked through his wares
and i don't need to be spending money
but
read these and tell me i wasn't gonna buy them

1)

For those of us who have struggled with deep rooted ancestral patterns such as addiction, alcoholism, depression etc., this essence unravels the generations of ancestral karma and societal conditioning we have endured. Joshua Tree grants is a new beginning, a better sense of identity and a rebirth into a joyous life ahead.

During the Summer of 2018, I received a distinct calling to travel throughout the American Southwest and make a collection at various vortices. A vortex is an amplified energy point on Earth where people usually experience things like joy, tranquility, insight, emotional or physical healing amongst other things. These areas are known to be great spiritual sites, a lot of times with beautiful scenery that our ancestors revered for healing and ceremonial purposes. Paranormal activity is also very common amongst these sites. This collection will always hold a special place in my heart for the immense and also intense, emotional and spiritual healing it has given me. I invite you to explore the unknown mystery of the American Southwest vortices.


Flower essences are water infused energy patterns or vibrations of the flower stabilized in alcohol. They are used to help us with emotional imbalance. The flower being the highest manifestation of the plant, holds the powerful vibration and essence of the plant. When taken, the essence raises our vibration, expands our consciousness and clears our energy fields of negativity. This helps clear the physical body of any imbalance.

A healthy body vibrates between 62-68 MHz. When our vibration reaches 58 MHz or lower, we become susceptible to sickness and ailments. The goal is to maintain a high and healthy vibration so that we can decrease the risk of our emotional imbalances reaching our physical body and creating disharmony.

I handcraft my essences in Santa Fe, New Mexico using filtered water and preserve them with local Santa Fe Apple Brandy. Each bottle is also charged with Reiki Energy. I only use flowers in the wild or in my own garden, free from car pollution and pesticides. I connect to each plant speaking with the devas or "spirits". Once I've made the Mother essence, I work with the essence to develop a true understanding of the medicine being offered. Note* This is not a tincture!

 2)Known for its hallucinogenic properties on a physical level, this plant is ready to take you into the unknown with its energetic flower essence properties. Sacred Datura is a safety blanket of sorts, one you wear when you know you have to deal with darker forces. It shields us in such away, that maybe we are no longer here. Maybe we can now travel into other dimensions and see things in a new light. It helps us shift into newness during times of transition, shamanic journeys or meditation. Let this essence take you on a wild, inter-dimensional ride!

(This is a flower essence. There are no physical parts of the plant present).During the Summer of 2018, I received a distinct calling to travel throughout the American Southwest...

 

So this press conference is the first one where it seems like the orange one has been touched by a reality

I'm not saying he seems presidential or that I feel at all confident with him at the head of the ship

But at least it seems like he might have realized that something is actually going on that he should be concerned about

And I guess that's something

I'm awake

I had a bad headache and I was having so many exciting dreams that I just went back to sleep when I woke up but I'm awake now

I hope you're doing okay

Notice I edited that last one

My head hurts really bad I've got to go to bed

I had really planned on more chat

I was going to do a night chat but I can't now

I love you very much sweetheart

Goodnight

dispatches to the void: 3:29 [edited]

i'm starting to see it now
it's not completely in focus
but, ya know, like with the puzzle and the edges
or something like that
pick your metaphor

a big giant clump of sunflowers
when i was a kid
sometimes we'd drive by a vacant lot
and there would be sunflowers
so big
towering over us
and we'd have to stop
because
even though that happened sometimes
it didn't happen all that often

now
now i can't remember the last time i saw
even one of those giant sunflowers
and i
i am going to live in a world
which is anchored by them

will they be off in one corner
will they be interspersed
i'm not sure yet
but
i do know there will be enough of them
to support life

sunflowers are weeds
they don't need special farmering to survive
and so they will be the rock upon which i build my foundation
sunflower sprouts
sunflower seed butter
antibiotics for the bees
maybe
maybe it's an earth sheltered house
and you come up out from the sunflowers
and you get some of that james and the giant peach action
idk
just
sunflowers

i don't see a big spread
it feels more like a big garden
someplace temperate
where you get a lot of growing season
produce the food
can it
dry it
freeze it
idk
but there's just a souciant
of prepper in there now

there are goats
but
i don't want to eat the goats
i am not a person who is willing to raise animals
just to kill them
or sell them to someone else who will kill them
so i may not be able to have a billy goat
i may have to just have female goats
and figure out how to breed them infrequently
because i cannot have a huge heard of goats

but
there are so many vegetable scraps
carrot tops
radish tops
that i will enjoy adding in to their diet
and
i will find nice chickens
while i feel insecure about my ability to grow food
i feel much more confident about my relationship with animals
can i handle
goats and chickens and bees
possibly not
maybe
i start with the bees
although
eggs and cheese
those seem like a good idea
but
i don't want to overwhelm myself

i can do more in my head
than i can irl
typically
i see it how i want it to be
but
there's always a learning curve

but
the sunflower flag is planted
that is the one great step
chimalxochitl
perhaps

no
xochicuicatl

quotidienne: coffee + toast 3:28

i read a lot of personal narratives
on twitter last nite before i went to be
so
i'm in a kind of trying to keep the spirits up mood today
the poke has kinda worn off
i don't feel bad
but
i don't feel very alive
maybe just a tiny tingle of it left

i had strange dreams
i stopped at a donut shop
it wasn't open
because the person with the keys hadn't showed up
but there were employees
all gathered out front

so
i went next door
and james spader was behind the counter
he looked at me
recognized me
and said
pound cake?  cheese cake?
no no, i said
that's a largely apocryphal tale
what do you have that's new

and he picks up this fairly large disc shaped thing
that was maybe a coffee cake
with maybe some berries
but also one of those weird
geletinized layers that you find in japanese deserts
which are great in context
but seemed out of place with this coffee cake thing

so i walked to the side to wait for my drink
and there were so many people waiting
it was a crowd of people
and they were complaining about having to wait

and
i'm like
you know you can make your own coffee at home, right


i'm having 12 grain bread with peanut butter
and
this bread i got from imperfect produce
they carry a few pantry items
i looked for bread because sometimes they have dave's killer 21 grain
but
what they had was sprouted raisin bread
so i thought, hey it'll give me a more desert-y item
that's what i thought
but
it is the healthiest tasting bread i've ever had
dense, no sweetness, no cinamon that i can detect
the raisins only bring it up to the level of sweetness
that you'd expect in regular bread
i am really into it
i think it's vegan too
because i read the ingredients
and there's no mention of eggs or milk
but there is prune juice

also
it is made in a facility which is free from peanuts
or tree nuts, and there was something else
there is, however, gluten
i'm keeping it in the fridge
because bread like that will grow mold fast

haven't really gotten any news today
my briefing just said
meghan mccain is having an existential crisis

So no pokeroot tincture tonight

Today I'm doing propolis tincture and reishi tincture and the feather catcher immune support tincture

All immune boosters but none specific

And we'll see how I feel when I get up in the morning

I bet I'm not going to feel as good as I felt when I got up this morning

But I don't feel bad now

And although I could not manage to cough up what I felt like I had in me that I needed to cough up from allergies and whatnot I don't think I've been coughing today so in general I think I'm in pretty good shape and today was day 7 I think

I may go Sunday or Monday to do curbside pickup at the grocery store to get some more soy milk and fresh food stuffs

I guess if I'm driving to the store and I'm popping the trunk open and they're putting it in and then I'm coming home I'm not having any contact I just have whatever contamination is on the box

when I was walking around I was staying way more than 6 ft away from people I don't think 6 ft is nearly far enough

and Monday the water is going to be off from 9:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. because they're doing some kind of work on the water mains which is super inconvenient when you're home all day but there's clearly some kind of leak so and and there's not going to be any time when there are going to be a bunch of people home so it's not like there's anything they can really do about that

This is all pretty weird

But I guess the most ironic thing is that since I now order my toilet paper from mail I always get a whole bunch of it at a time so I'm not really in any danger of running out of toilet paper which seems to be everybody's biggest fear I mean it's hysterical the restaurants here on their take out stuff are saying hey if you order will give you a roll of toilet paper with it I've seen a bunch of places doing that

But also this building has pretty old plumbing and so I've had to learn to use as little toilet paper as possible anyway so that the toilet will flush it down so that's all been conspiring in my favor as it turns out

I'm going to bed now I hope you're doing well I love you very much

Goodnight sweetheart 💋

everything's a rabbit hole

cantaloup

radishes

cute carrots

mushrooms

greens

salad greens

fancy lettuce

asian greens

serranos

nite chat: 3:27

i just want to point out
the poke root is zipped up in a first aid kit
and it is a different size anything else in that kit
the tinctures i'm taking regularly
are out on my table
they is no possible way that i could
get them mixed up
also
i have a tendency to triple check things
but
the possibility of a mix up
is why it will remain zipped up tight

do not worry

i had an apple
i was leaning pear
but then i went apple
it was really good


what are your favorite vegetables?
like i'm trying to imagine this garden i have
where i suddenly have the ability to grow things
which is not a talent i've observed in myself heretofore
what are the some not large number of vegetables that i'd grow
i'm not 100% sure

collard greens
broccoli

i think avocado might be my favorite
but that won't grow everywhere and also
i think the tree takes a while to mature
but
just imagine having an avocado tree
and a citrus tree
like, in your yard
what kind of paradise would that be

cucumber
tomato
maybe a variety of lettuces
tomatoes are tricky
maybe i could trade for those
goat cheese for tomatoes--  that seems fair, right

peas
green beans
some type of squash
i mean maybe summer squash and winter squash

also i forgot
if i'm doing a whole sunflower thing
then sunflower sprouts too

brussels sprouts are one of my favorites
and they are the most beautiful thing ever on the stem
you've seen them, right

if i'm having soup then i need carrots and celery
but idk if i need to grow those things
i feel like i wouldn't eat enough of them
unless i juiced the celery
carrots are very sweet to me
i like em
but only really in small doses
although, pickled
so idk

i feel like my most eaten veggies are
peas
broccoli
collard greens
brussels sprouts
and
salad type veggies
avocado
lettuce
cucumber
tomato

potato i like
and i do eat
but i eat more brown rice now

i do enjoy a nice roasted mixed root vegetables
and i really like beets
i rarely buy them
but
if i grew them i would definitely eat them
and
i guess
the trick is
when do you grow what
so you've got stuff to eat all the time
and
canning
canning kinda scares me
i didn't grow up doing that

onions and garlic

it's just fun to think about
i  revived an old playlist to add new stuff to
none of that will be interesting to you
i'm not recommending it to you

i may have some more nite chat
but that's all for right now

quotidienne: coffee + toast 3:27

ok
low level of sexual arousal
remains unabated
but
i think i recognize this feeling
i think
unless i'm crazy
this is what it used to feel like
to be alive

but
omg
i want you in me
today might be distracting

i'm having four pieces of toast
instead of two
two with sunflower butter
two with regular cow butter
and coffee wit soy milk

my head does hurt a little
in fairness
but
i think that's weather related
and it's not new

toast is delicious
i love toast
i still have bread and soy milk
and today
today i am going
at some point
to have a piece of fruit

i'm not kidding, i'm fucking giddy

is it possible
that my depression and low
to non-existent sexual desire issues
we somehow related to my lymphatic system?!
that seems far fetched
and yet
even knowing that the world is in bad shape

i must dance now!

Ok

I'm up

I didn't go for a walk

but I did some toe touches

and went up and down the stairs

but honestly

before I did any of that

I feel

like

in the shadow of

let's not get carried away

great

well

it's made me

aroused

so

not sure how to take that

unless that's you

not the poke root

ok

now

I found that 

funny

poke

nite chat: 3:27

ok
so i'm going to try something
i got this herbal first aid kit
it has echinea tincture
which i may need
it has plantain salve
which i probably don't need
i have a bunch of salve
but
it's supposed to be like nature's band aid
so i am curious to try it
it has motherwort
which reduces anxiety
and also helps with menopause-y hormone stuff
it has yarrow spray
which is a styptic
but would also make a good throat spray
because it's anti-blah balh
it has st john's wort oil
which is supposed to be good for pain topically
skullcap which is supposed to be helping you sleep
but i also happen to know it is anti spasmotic
very helpful with cramping
and that it does not lessen sexual desire
which was what i bought it for back twenty years ago and more
and
it has poke root

now poke root is slightly toxic
but
it will clear infections
and clean the lymph
several herbalists have listed it as an end of the world
medical kit must
and
i'm thinking it's something i'll take
if i get the zombie flu
but
i don't really want to wait to take it until i'm dying
and
i do have some congestion
which i've almost cleared with the elderberry and elecampane
but
i'm gonna try out the poke root tincture
and i thought about it
and you take one drop in a glass of water
which might not really be enough
but imma not push it
so
imma take this one drop in a glass of water
before i go to bed
and then when i get up
i will go for a walk
to help circulate my lymph
and we'll just see what it does
i will not take a bunch of other stuff
i'm being respectful of the medicine

i'm telling you about it
but
you should not worry
there is no way this is too much
for a normal weight person
which i am not

it's an experiment

i've tried all the other tinctures
it see how they work with my body
and i need to try this one too


ok
so what i did
i didn't think that was fair
just say hey i'm doing this thing that might be
a little sketchy
and by the way goodnight

so what i did
was i took it and i've waited for it to have long enough
to have an effect
and
it has
and i think i feel something
but it might be psychosomatic
it feels a little buzzy
in my lymph nodes
just a little
and
there's a foggy alertness
not dissimilar to alcohol

this is probably psychosomatic
but anyway
i'm fine
so
there's no need to worry
i just thought
ya know
even though it should be safe
better to try it while i still have health insurance
and am right around the corner from a medi clinic
that isn't yet full of corona virus medical emergency

so much more cautious
than when i was young
although
i was probably never
super reckless

so
we'll see if it does anything
i love you very much sweetheart

quotidienne: coffee + toast 3:26

sorry
that took a super long time
the imperfect produce was delivered
and i had to wash everything
it wasn't even that much
previously
in my life
the way i washed vegetables
and i'm not saying this is right
was to run them under water
like
to wash off any loose dirt
but
i've never used even veggie wash
maybe i soaked things


many of my dreams were in foreign language
i was trying to get an advanced degree in math
or maybe physics
but
in, say, hungarian
then i was on the street
and people were speaking spanish
i can get a little spanish
it depends


in my imaginary future home
i have a huge patch of sunflowers
sunflowers have something in them that's like
antibiotics for bees
and then too
sunflower butter

i'm trying to compile a list of herbs
that i can grow
and it turns out
lots of herbs are good for multiple things
it gives me something to research, for sure

when i was growing up
i always kinda imagined i'd be a post apocalyptic healer woman
and maybe i've just revived that fantasy
but
when i saw
i think it was children of man
those people with the safe house
and the strawberry cough weed
i thought
yeah, kinda like that
although
that was a lot fancier
and less healer woman
but
still
it resonated


you look good
i love you very much

I'm awake

I slept through my alarm

or

more likely

I turned it off

crazy dreams

crazy

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much
i'll talk to you in the morning
but not super early
because it's late

nite chat: 3:25

so the weirdest thing in all of this
is that
still
what i'm getting psychically
is
everything is fine
you are where you are supposed to be
everything is fine

now
logically and viscerally and emotionally
i'm getting
shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
omg omg omg omg omg omg omg
wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf

but
psychically
it's all good

how can that possibly be right?!

but
psychically
i don't think i've ever been steered wrong
so
i am both super duper stressed
and
quite calm

and it is the weirdest sensation
the weirdest experience

idk how to describe it
it is slightly out of body-esque

quotidienne: coffee + toast 3:25

today i had miso soup with dry toast
i really pulled out the stops on the miso
in addition to the stuff i used last time
i added a roasted dandelion root tea bag and
cumin powder, and umeboshi vinegar
just so it would have all the tastes
and extra nutrients
it was really good

i haven't really heard a lot of news today
i did hear that the cheesecake factory is leading the revolution

ok
i got a briefing

$500 billion for the corporations
we don't need oversight of any kind
sure no problem
$600. for a worker
must be a typo

and then they're all going home
no more help
no more bravely leading the "wartime"

and
in new york they are bringing in refrigerated trucks
to use as morgues

there is definitely a surreal quality to all this

don't panic: 3/25

I just woke up

I mean I woke up earlier to pee

but I didn't wake up

I just staggered around

now I'm up

I find this alarming

also

I don't feel right

my head hurts

I feel slightly dizzy

I feel like

wrong

but

it could be a weather change headache

legit

so I'm gonna take my temperature now

98.7

is a little warm for me

especially just waking up

but it is hot

and I just have the fan on to save electricity

so

I'm freaking out a little

but

probably I'm fine

this is day 5 of no exposure

and so I'm a little twichy

they had to close the parks

they were going to leave them open

but everyone mobbed them

like it was labor day weekend

so

no more parks

I found osha

rootgirl had it

hiding in a collection of single tinctures

it wasn't really hiding

it said viral tinctures

it might have been new

or I might just not have looked at it

I'm not sure

she sent me a coupon

so I looked over her site again

and there it was osha

so now I feel like I'm gonna have all the medicine

everything I need

so

I'm feeling better now that I'm up

I'm gonna take a steamy shower

then hopefully do a few minutes of easy

stretchy exercise

and have some coffee and toast

but

I guess the stress caught up with me

and I didn't set an alarm

nite chat: 3:25

so let me start by saying
i love you
i went down a rabbit hole today
and didn't do as much talking as i intended
but
i have a plan for my exercise system

as much as i like tahitian dance
i've never quite mastered it
so
i think that isn't going to be the focus
and as much as i like working out with videos
that's a little problematical
unless i move my laptop around
which i don't really want to do
so
i can use my phone, absolutely
but that's pretty small
so my plan is to use the videos
but just sort of as reference
working toward designing routines
that i can do in like twenty minute segments
multiple times a day
some more exercise-y
and then some more like dance routines
that i can just do with music
so i'm more or less just dancing around
i think that will be the most fun

i don't want to do anything that builds muscle
and i do want to increase flexibility and core strength
so i think calisthenics and pilates are the way to go
with the excercise-y bit
and
the dance part will be kinda a blend
i have to kinda work out choreography
so maybe i need to pick some music
this might end up being really fun

i just have to actually develop the habit
of getting up and doing exercises

i love you very much
i feel less worried
please be safe
goodnight sweetheart

quotidienne: coffee + toast 3:24

ok
so
the county shut down all non-essential business
i'm not sure if that was because the city wouldn't
or if that was just to emphasize scope
there are a bunch of little cities
that aren't technically even suburbs or anything
within the city of houston
and they have differing rules
about what houston can tell them
but they're all within the county
so it might be that
or the city might not have been willing
because there has been quite a bit of
houston is open for business
kind of crap

i haven't hear any briefings yet for the day
i have been tooling around on the internet
i'm getting myself more worried
and now the idea of you going out and playing tennis
stuff like that seems too risky
i'm not telling you what to do
you're a grown man
and you need exercise
and whatever
but it worries me
i'm going to pretend you aren't doing that
i'm going to pretend you do p90x or somethin

i'm trying to decide if i should go for a walk again today
there's a really pretty neighborhood if i walk west instead of north
but
i feel kinda creepy walking through a neighborhood
i mean the walk yesterday was mixed use neighborhood
so some residential apts and townhomes
but lots of businesses too
walking through a little neighborhood of families
with kids playing in the yard and such
doesn't feel right to me

and
i mean
i guess i could walk up fountainview
but that's a busy street
with no shade cover
and it's almost 90 degrees
that's not gonna be fun

so
idk
maybe i'll just exercise

i thought it would be great to have two weeks off
i thought
oh i'll take a little vacation first
but it's been not more than five days
and i wish i was working
just from a moving around standpoint

i may look for a virtual museum tour or something
so i can be having the visual stimulus
of walking around, at least
i wish i was in a trailer in marfa

although
if i'm doing medicine woman stuff
i may need to be in the woods
and i never wanted to live in the woods
the wood seemed more dangerous
because you can't see things comin at ya
although
trees
so idk

it's all an imaginary exercise right now

i'll figure out what to call this later: 3:24

i'm not sunburned
the mineral powder did an ok job

when i was walking
a lady bug landed on me
and i saw a monarch butterfly
so it seems like it was a lucky walk

i have some fruit coming on thursday or friday
from the imperfect produce
which i have been skipping
but had the foresight not to cancel
i really want fruit
more than cakes or cookies or any kind of junk
what i really want is a piece of fruit
i didn't buy any
because, as a rule, i don't eat that much fruit
unless i'm specifically doing it for lunches or something
and i had gotten burned out on it
now
now i'm craving it

i'm grateful for tinctures
that lingering lung thing
is almost gone
that's a few days

the usnea tincture from keetnafarms
tastes so much more alive than the other one
they seem like very good people
and their tinctures are very effective
but they are more alcohol-y tasting
and they seem more like medicine than life force

i want to make tinctures
i always wanted to raise goats
and maybe chickens
and bees
but now i want to be a full on
what?!  witch
no, not witch
somethin else
now that i've felt that life force
i want to do it too

i can't talk about what the orange one said today
he doesn't care about the people
he only cares about wallstreet
but
i don't think he's right that we can do both
i'm not even sure that he actually believes it
he just thinks he won't get re-elected if the economy crashes

what happened to the "war time" president?!
it's like talking to someone with multiple personalities
in the way that there is a different story line every day
except
it's alway the toxic narcissist

momversation: 3:23

i texted my mom
she didn't respond
ok, for 11 minutes
i wasn't really worried
but i called her anyway

she sounded a little groggy
she fell asleep in the chair

and before you make any reference
to genetic similarity which you could not step back from
i will point out
she has a fancy anti gravity chair
in which she actually sleeps
some percentage of the time

not
not at all
like me falling asleep bolt upright

so she's groggy
and she starts coughing

me:  why are you coughing
her:  i drank a glass of juice before i fell asleep
me:  why would juice make you cough
her:  i guess i'm thirsty
me:  i don't understand, is there some connection between being thirsty and coughing?  i don't think that makes sense.  [this is not a little my throat is dry cough].
her:  well, i don't know
me:  do you really think that's why you coughed or are you just saying that.
her:  i don't know. 
me:  how long has it been since you had contact with another person
her:  well, i went to the grocery store yesterday
me:  *hard hard sigh*
her:  it was the time they had set aside for the elderly.
me:  but.  i thought.  you were ordering your groceries.
her:  you shouldn't worry so much.
me:  should i not?  why should i not worry?
her:  because it's not good for you
me:  ok.
her:  have you gotten any communication from your company.

[i haven't told her i've been laid off, but she knows it closed and now she wants to know i'm not sure what exactly]

me:  i've been laid off by my company
her:  they laid you off
me:  not because of the corona virus
her:  why didn't you tell me i've been thinking you were going to work
me:  it more or less just happened, i was going to work, i didn't want to worry you.

quotidienne: coffee + toast 3:23

ok
so today
it's old skool toast with butter

i have to go outside today
not because i'm not enjoying being cooped up
but because my legs are starting to swell
i'm spending too much time sitting
gotta walk around
i was wondering if i should put on makeup
to which my first thought was wtf
but then i realized i need sun protection
so i'll probably compromise with mineral powder

last night i became obsessed with the idea that
i do not have enough tincture
the second round have not arrived
and rootgirl hasn't even shipped yet
but it's a specific herb i suddenly feel like i need
osha (bear root)
but i can't find anybody i trust
there are surprisingly few people with osha
which i thought was odd
until i found out that it's been over gathered
so then i'm not sure i should even be looking for it
but
i still feel a strong need for it
which might just be an obsessive thing

i texted about my check this morning
i, apparently, am not the only one without direct deposit
and they have a team of experts working on it

no briefings or new reports today so far
grateful for that

i've had weird dreams the last few nights
which is probably to be expected
but
i didn't
or
at least i expected them to be
idk more nightmare-ish

night before last
i dreamed that i was
trying to fill a box with popcorn
using just my hands
and the side of the box was bent
and not really functioning as a retaining wall
and your wife was watching me
making commentary about my lack of progress

not a nightmare
not upsetting
but not very fun either

last night
it was more complicated
i was at work and i had a bunch of stuff to do
but they weren't giving me any time to do it
and then
it changed
and it was this weird scene
where i wasn't me
and i was talking to a guy who kinda reminded me of uncle freaky
and there was this whole
like
mexican stand off quality to the scene

i think he was just back from prison or something
and
it turned out
he did a bunch of stupid shit because he thought
i was about to reject him
and he scared me away
because he did a bunch of stupid shit
and
we ended up laying on the ground
and he said
can we just pick back up where we were
and i said
i don't think so
but
maybe we can go from here
except
what i actually said was
maybe there's still hope for the moon

and then
i thought of you when i woke up

see
so not bad dreams
just weird and idk what they mean

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much ❤️

quotidienne: coffee + toast 3:22

i'm not actually having coffee and toast
that's just what this category is called
i had oatmeal with raisins and apricots
with hemp hearts and oat bran added in
and maharantha banana peanut butter
and coffee with soy milk
oh
and the oatmeal was cooked in oat milk
cause i gotta use that up before it goes bad

i'm feeling a bit depressed today

and
the friday go out to pick up the check
looks like it's cancelled
they're closing down
and now i have to worry about how i'm gonna get that check at all
i don't have direct deposit
and they seem to think everyone has direct deposit
and the corporate types aren't in
so
will it get mailed to me, idk
i'm trying to be a squeeky wheel
the severance won't come for twenty days
because that makes sense
so
i'm a little worried that they're gonna fuck me

i got a briefing from a friend today
who's pretty sure the world is ending
and i haven't fact checked yet
but
he says if everyone in texas stays home for three months
like lockdown, not social distancing
that there will only be 1000 deaths and 170,000 hospitalizations
but, if we do anything other than complete lockdown
then something apocalyptic happens
i don't seem to have retained those numbers
but, ya know, really really bad

so maybe i don't want briefings either

i decided to see if i was right
that the fairly expensive dr roebuck's copper peptide serum breaks me out
hoping against hope that it wouldn't
so
i was right
and yesterday my face was a painful mess
which i'm recovering from quickly
with the centella ampoule
which really is a miracle product
but i wish i hadn't tested it
my face was completely clear
and now it's ugly again
and it hurts

so
grateful for skin 1004 madagascar centella ampoule
that's goin in the end of the world kit
continuing cool weather
[although there's a warm front coming
is that what you call it?
that's probably the reason for the headache
which continues unabated]

trees
when i step out onto my stoop
i am under the sheltering arms of several large oak trees
i love them

oh crap
the orange one is talking again
what is the maximum word that isn't death
that happened
rape?  torture?

no, i'm not going to commit to not profiting personally
i didn't take the salary and nobody thanked me

omg
where do i start?!

i think he is completely out of touch
but, ya know, he's a wartime president now

this one isn't so much information light
as
reality light

temp ok

I'm awake

I have a headache

but the sore throat is gone

I'm gonna go take my temperature now 

goodnight sweetheart

my throat hurts a little
i've been taking my temperature
a couple times a day
and it has not been elevated

i'm going to bed now
be well
i love you

so
i'm still not selling myself on proust
or virginia woolf

i'm considering some other options
on the road:  the original scroll
which, the sample at least
i liked better
you may have heard of it
it's his original manuscript as it came out of him
before editing
but
i think it will make confinement harder

there's a burroughs trilogy
the last thing he wrote
1981-1987
which i had never heard of
the whole country is mutating from a radioactive epidemic
sounds promising
the reviewer on audible
made me laugh
they said:  burroughs is weird, but you knew that

but
then
i'm considering moby dick
i sort of read it before
audiobook
but
not really
because i was listening to it as i went to sleep
so parts of it i heard a bunch
and some of it i didn't hear
but
i loved it
and they have one narrated by frank mueller

so
idk

quotidienne: the weather 3:21

the weather
is amazing
and
probably this should be cross referenced with stealing signs somehow
because when i got out of the car to go sign my paperwork
the sky just opened up with pelting rain
but
i'll just mention it here
with the fact that

58 degrees!!!

that is so so perfect
and drizzly or overcast
it's like coffee drinkin weather

i opened the windows yesterday
i never do that
not on the ground floor, anyway
and
it was what i'd really have to call
lovely
i mean, that sounds hokey and all, but...

and cucumbers
i'm grateful for cucumber and tomato salad
crunchy and delicious
i don't know how much more salad type food i'll be getting
maybe i need a grateful heading
but that seems kinda trite and overdone
but
cucumbers and cool breezes are really the most
to use an old turn of phrase
also, who knew, but sunflower butter, delicious!

i'm gonna have to go out friday to pick up my last check
i may stop by the grocery store
we'll see
i was going to stop by friday
but there was a long line and they were only letting people in when someone came out
with the idea being 15 people in the store at a time
which i'm not sure i understand
i mean, i kinda do
but then there's the outside line situation
and they kinda lose me there
anyway
i drove by, saw the line, and said, abort

by the way
that f. scott fitzgerald letter that's going around the interwebs
i heard someone read it
and i was like
i don't think that sounds like f. scott
so
of course
i had to research it

the thing on the internet is fake
i thought as much
it's not nearly well enough written to be
and it seemed anachronistic as well

but all that almost begs the question
what should i read
i mean
i could tackle proust, maybe
but
would i like that
i had a philosophy professor
she re-read the novel formerly known as remembrance of things past
every year
it was like a touchstone for her
to check in with herself somehow
she did a similar thing with the waves
only not as often as every year

she is the professor that i had the most respect for
of all the professors i had
and i have often thought i should read those books
but whenever i have actually moved that direction
i have stopped and said
i don't think i want to do this

maybe now is the time
maybe audible
[maybe that's cheating
but how comforting, to be read to]

idk
it's an idea

quotidienne: coffee + toast 3:21

i realize for you this is like a week in
but
i was working wednesday
and i had to go in yesterday
and i had outside things i had to do
so
today is like day one or two
i'm not sure how to count it
so maybe i won't do a numeric count
maybe it's not all about day  1, day 2, day 3 day 4, day 5

i'm listening to the daily press conference
i'm finding it hard to hear it
like my brain phases in and out
i think whoever it was that said

these are really rallies, not press conferences
has a point
but
idk probably they should be happening
if only we could trust that we weren't being lied to

also
they seem very information light
it feels like a waste of my time to listen to them
is that a bad attitude, do you think
i feel like i could get a short briefing on them
i feel like the consumption of "news" about the zombie apocalypse
could swell to fill every available minute
obsessing over media
social and otherwise seems like a dangerous time suck

but, omg! if i have to listen to him talk about what a tremendous job
unprecidented!
he is doing compared to like washington, lincoln, et al
we are so fucking lucky to have such leadership
i may not be able to do this

i feel like i have some responsibility to keep up with
what's going on in the world

allies: tinctures 3:20

ok
so
i'm back to this format, for now
i have a process, whenever there's anything
that's like a known unknown or whatever
i need to feel like i've got some kind of handle on it
so, tinctures

yeah i think you heard me right
i'm immune boosting

we're all doing out semi-crazy stuff now
and i have dayquil and nyquil and tussin
but what i felt like i needed
was tinctures

in my mind
first i approached it more like medicine
the feathercatcher apothecary
i had used their immune bosster at christmas time
and i didn't get sick until after christmas
and it might not even have been really sick
it might just have been exhaustion

so i ordered more of that
and i ordered the frunutta zinc + c
the kind of vitamin that melts under your tongue

that was when i was still working
and wasn't thinking the zombie thing
[here i'm mostly using this so no one finds this on a search]
so just the same thing i would do to try to avoid flu

but now
when i realize it zombies
i needed more
and
it wasn't just important what herbs
it was important from where
and from who

does that make sense?

so i found the one from eugene
nourish wholeness
and she won
i feel like i could feel her energy through the interwebs
she won out over rootgirl
who had a much slicker product
which wasn't what i wanted right then
i wanted full on made-with-love-ness

i got
elderberry elixir
mullein tincture
elecampane tincture
and
burdock fresh root tincture

they are much less professional than any tincture
i've ever had before
i'm not meaning that in a bad way
the elderberry and the burdock are full on thick
and you can't taste the alcohol
like i'm wondering if i should be refrigerating them
but the fridge is full
full!
besides
if i put them in the fridge i will never take them
idk why
but there is ample evidence from the past

the burdock also has bits in it
it's kinda freaky

the elecampane is clear and alcohol-y
and actually really strong i think
i've had this cough
for like a year or two
because the allergies are so bad
there is a constant nasal drip down the back of my throat
but
i've been using cough drops since
idk, november maybe
i had to get sugar free though
because regular cough drops have too much sugar
or something
they make my teeth hurt

anyway
i've been taking this stuff prophylactically
but
you're not supposed to take much elecampane
and i haven't been taking much
but
i have been taking enough to cause
my body to be trying to expel

i am the worst at coughing stuff up though
so
it's a little irritating
but
i'm getting there

the mullein
is somewhere in between
it's thicker than the elecampane
but not chunky or anything


so
i'm taking those
but
somehow that still didn't feel like enough
so
i've ordered more
and now i've really got to stop
i decided
i needed a propolis tincture
i wanted that before i even knew about the zombies, i think
and i gave in
so rootgirl has a propolis tincture
i ordered that

i needed some kind of mushroom tincture
and i "needed" something from
wildroots so that dovetailed nicely
in an oregon reishi tincture

but
then
i had to have keetnafarms
i ordered usnea
which turns out to be the same thing
as old man's beard
which i already have from feathercatcher
so
oopsie
but energetically
different place, right
feathercatcher is from new mexico


rootgirl is from ukiah
wildroots is from portland
keetnafarms is from alaska

ideally
i'd like to have something from maine
or newfoundland
i've never been there
but i feel very connected to it somehow
but
the seaweed is from maine

that's gonna have to be enough
no more tinctures
no more

stealing signs: gateway 3:18

when i came home yesterday i was a mix of emotions. 

none of them were like, oh fuck what did i just do.  but the weren't all rainbows and ice cream cones, ya know.  and i'm not sure how worried to be about this whole "zombie apocalypse" thing--  and by calling it that i'm not meaning to make light, that's just the cultural sigil i see burning in my mind--  i'm taking i'm taking it seriously;  i'm about to shelter in place for two weeks.

but what i mean to say is that i'm distracted and not firing on all cylinders as i pull up to the gate of my apartment.  i have this whole process i have to do to get in the gate now which is annoying.  my driver's side window does not go down.  the mechanism broke (wore out) and the mechanic couldn't find a part.  so i found one.  i was so proud.  they put it in and it worked for another few months and then it too stopped working.  at least it broke in the up position this time.  so i can't go to a drive thru or just stick my card out the window to open the gate.  unless there is someone ahead of me, which honestly, there often is, i have to get out of the car.

but yesterday, when i drove up to the gate, it just opened.  like it was a motion sensor gate--  which it emphatically is not.  the maintenance people and the front office people all drive around in golf carts because this is an enormous complex.  so i'm scanning 360 looking for anybody who could have opened the gate for me.  so i can wave thanks, sure.  but also to just due diligence the not a crazy person angle.  because this is such a huge huge sign

going through the gate.
and it's opening for me easily

it was like the universe saying
ya done good kid

who's gonna call me pumpkin now?

sorry, this is not coming right now

it's what daniel said to me as he was walking me to the door
to leave

imma write something less work related right now

there's a sort of buzzing in my stomach.  i'd be tempted to say i'm sick.  but i'm pretty sure i'm just scared.  maybe i'm scared of the "zombie apocalypse", maybe.  but i think it's that there is a finite amount of money and i don't know when there will be jobs.  and, i mean, i don't really want a job.  but i do need money, so there's that.

i'm still getting the vibe that everything is fine, going to be fine, rather.  and i wonder if that means the end result will be good--  like the government will change things, we will get universal healthcare, something.  or if the outcome will be good for me personally.  or if i'm just getting a wrong vibe.  i feel like it's been pretty accurate up til now.  whatever.

for some reason i went looking for jason's high school and college girlfriend.  i wanted to see what she was doing now.  i found her.  she looks the same, but not.  i remember her as so very young.  she's like 47 now.  and whatever, it was just one of those curiosities.  she had wanted to sell out her dreams and start a family and jason didn't want to he wanted to live his dreams and she made him question his special-ness.  she may or may not have had a family but she seemed pretty edgy and creative on the video i saw.  also, though, one of those chronic illness overcomers.  migraines.  fibromyalgia.  i don't know how i pictured her, but not quite that.  but i followed around and found a picture in jason's albums that she took from '91--  a gallery show from PVA.  and above his head is a painting i have. 

no, you cannot have two heaters.

i don't have it because he gave it to me.  i have it because dad had it, and asked my mom if he could store his stuff at her house and she confoundingly said yes.  then he never came back to get any of it.  and i ended up with two paintings--  that one, which i don't have hanging anywhere but i love, and one of a series of self portraits or semi-self-portraits which i don't think had a name, but which i call the shitting angel and have always had hanging somewhere.  it's a large orange-ish male, and you can kinda see a bit of his junk, sitting on the toilet.  the paint is heavy and painterly and it's stylized.  the background is a dark blue-green.  he has wings, but sorta stumpy.  he doesn't look much like jason so maybe it isn't a self portrait.  but i've always thought it was.  i look at this painting every day.  i don't know why, but it is my favorite thing he's ever painted.  he would probably say that it's crap.

the heaters thing.  he was cold and what he had was a small electric heater and he asked his mother if he could have another one and she said no.  i remember when he told me that story.

that kind of your needs and comfort are ridiculous and not something i need to worry about or address was the attitude deborah brought to the table.  i don't know how much of that programming is still stuck in my psyche.  i hope i'm over it, but i feel like i can make a case that i'm not.

ok
so this is what happened today

he said
the company has decided not to go ahead
with the job elimination process
at this time
we would like you to stay on
doing your same job
for an unspecified amount of time
at least two weeks
and then we will go ahead with the layoff
for whichever one of you it is

if you don't want to continue
we can go ahead with it now

so i said
can i think about that for a little while
which surprised him

so i took a couple hours
during which i was working
maybe not that long
maybe an hour and a half

and at first i couldn't think about it
my brain just wanted to focus on working
but
i made myself stop

i'm weighing all the variables

and then i asked

i really need some guidance
could you weigh in

and it said
you know you've been needing to leave
you know you are having to do it the hard way
do you want to be the hero of your own life
or
do you want to be a pussy who clings to things that are over
pathetically out of fear
until you end up not even getting the severance?



so
i have to go in friday to fill out paperwork
and then i'm unemployed

So

Maybe I will get fired tomorrow

Or maybe they will decide to just kind of wait it out and see if the city shuts them down

in which case they could probably let us all go or put us on furlough or something and they don't have to pay me severance

So in retrospect with the way things are perhaps I should have taken the buy out when they offered it to me

but I didn't know it was all going to go down like this so you live and learn

but they did call and say that the store hours are changed so my hours tomorrow have changed so I don't have to go in until noon

And I just don't know what I expect to happen I was sure that I was going to get fired tomorrow

but I was like well you know at least then I'll get the severance thing and I'll get to stay home and not be exposed to contagion and disease

But now I think they're not going to pay me and they're just going to jerk me around and make me work getting exposed until the city shuts them down and then I got nothing

But I don't know

It'll be interesting

So we'll see

I love you sweetheart

Take good care of yourself

I'll let you know what happens

💋

I'm going to go take a hot shower

I may be late 

Roger

I'm pretty sure his name was Roger

conversation with god while i'm not busy at the register

ok
i'm not going to pray that i get fired
i can't quite bring myself to do that
and i'm afraid of that too
but
i'm not gonna pray that i keep the job either

i have faith that whatever happens
is what's supposed to happen
i will follow your lead

i'm trying not to take it personally
but
i'm not having much luck
and
if i'm not fired
i think the relationship is too badly broken
i don't think i'll be able to get over
how disrespected i feel

so maybe it's for the best

it's like the people on master chef australia
if they get sent to the elimination round
and they make it through
they really up their game
and the people who do that a lot
sometimes go on to win

but the strong ones
who do really well and never get into elimination
they are at a disadvantage in the end game
because they have to face it
without any practice
and
the stress gets to em bad

i'm like that
if i had more trouble with work
when i was younger
i'd be better prepared now

and i keep thinking
of the computer books guy at bookstop
i can't remember his name now

you'll always do fine, he said
to me
all of about eighteen
cream always rises to the top

it's a cliche, i know
but i'd never heard it before

and it seemed like such a huge compliment


so what have you learned here

well
i'm tempted to say nothing
but
that's not true
i learned some stuff about me

i don't not care very well
my not caring about a job
is more than many people's supposed caring

i don't equate myself with my job
which is tricky
if i'm doing a low paying job
a going nowhere job
the low value of the job
doesn't make me think that that's what i'm worth
i'm always on board with my cream-ness
even if i don't rise to the top

but
i find it frustrating to have higher standards
than the standard setters

in less than two years
i can go from knowing almost nothing
to being a functional expert

i care more about not being fucked with
being allowed to carry on my work unimpeded
than i care about praise
or recognition

i hate looking for work
and will allow myself to feel degraded
just to avoid the process

there's probably more


it's not a bad list

I'm at the Beck's down the street from me.  It's at least a local chain, not sure if it's elsewhere.  But the thing is.  It's a local hotspot, regardless.  So, I'm at my local restaurant, walking distance and I'm eating inside, because it's kinda hot, even though this place is an eat outside place.  And normally I'd just get it to go.

But tomorrow at 8am all restaurants can only do drive thru or delivery or to go.  No eating in restaurants for at least 15 days.

There are 30 confirmed cases in the greater Houston area.  Most of them confirmed travel cases.  Except two.  Those they can't figure it out yet.

I think somebody came into work with a bag of fast food because I had a craving for fries.  And the best fries, maybe anywhere, but for sure available to me come from Beck's.  I went to the bank and I heard on the radio they were closing tomorrow so I didn't get em to go as planned.

This is more food than I've eaten in recent memory.  I got a Southwest salad which is basically a salad-- but with a bunch of avocado and wood fired queso on top some chips on the side.  And I didn't get any meat or anything on top.  But I did get the pound of fries.  And an unsweetened iced tea.

I was sure I wouldn't be able to eat all that.  But I did.  I'm super stressed.  I'm planning to drink when I get home.  Normally I wouldn't.  I think it's likely that alcohol suppresses immune response and I'm still working.  At least through Wednesday.  But that fucker posted a schedule for next week-- which he never does on monday-- and Jameel and I am still on it.  wtf.  More hours than the 20 I'm working this week-- if I'm in fact working them. 

I thought maybe they decided it would be bad pr to lay off during the crisis.  Maybe they decided just to wait and see if they shut anything down. But Karl says Dennis told him he knows who's going.  He wouldn't tell Karl though.  Good call.  Karl would tell everybody.

So.  If I believe karl-- which I'm not sure I do-- then Dennis knows and is not letting on.

This morning, the daily schedule had me manually written in.

Should I take that as foreshadowing, I asked

What

I'm not on the schedule, you had to write me in

No, no, both you and Jameel are on the schedule

Yes, the weekly schedule, but I am not printed on the computer print out daily schedule.  Is that a sign?

No no I just had a...it doesn't mean anything.

Then he posts this super strangely early schedule and my name looks added in.  The type is tiny, much smaller than everyone else.  Everyone else is normal.  But why post a schedule on Monday.  He never posts it on Monday.

I didn't print out the list of contacts and order days and stuff.  If I go in on Wednesday.  The day incidently when the firing is supposed to occur.  A day when Jameel is not scheduled and which I usually do not work.

If this is not all bullshit that shouldn't be a problem, right.

I'm on my break now

so it'll probably be close to 2

when I get my lunch

so I don't think I'll hear any of today

I love you sweetheart

have fun

💋

Not right now

on the bar tender thing, obvi

if I get laid off

I'm self containing

or whatever

for a while

but

ya know

i fell asleep in the chair
it's very late
i have to go to bed


i impressed upon her
that i don't want her to get sick
please limit exposure

does that mean you don't think
i should go to the gym

i think the gym is full of germs
but there are never more than three people there
it's a very small gym

and when the three people leave
do they run around and wipe everything down with bleach

no
please, just for a little while

have you ever had bad bad flu
where your whole body hurts
you're too weak to stand up
and
you lay in the bed and think
now i understand how people died from this

no

well i have
twice
and this is supposed to be potentially worse
you could die
or
i'm afraid
you could get sick
and have it damage your health enough
that you would have it permanently damage your health
please, please
at this point
i would be afraid to go to dinner with you
i work retail
i've been exposed to hundreds of people
i might get you sick

but
i want to text or call you every day, ok
i want to check in
because i can imagine
my worrying about you
and then not getting a response to a text
and being afraid to go because i might get you sick
and then going
and finding you

not ok
and i don't want to do that, ok

also
she's got 3/4 of her money in the stock market
which i have strongly suggested against
*sigh*

and
i know you don't want to think about this
but you know how i was asking
if you could write down your accounts and important information
in case there any reason that i have to

last year's mail is in a box

please
please don't make me dig through a year's worth of mail
when i'm already distraught and freaked out

ok, sure

i'm very stressed out


i'm not even getting a big premonition
of crisis
i'm still getting
everything's gonna be ok vibes

we're still good, right
i haven't upset you in any way, right
because
i need to not have to worry about that

this is bad
i'm not gonna get any sleep

goodnight sweetheart, i love you

p.s.
i retrieved my TABC certificate from work
because sampling is suspended
so i don't need it there
and
i want to make sure i have it in my possession
because
i don't know which day i might go in
and they say
we decided on jameel
you don't have a job
let me escort you off the premises
and then i might not be able to get it

do you think i could fake my way into a bar tending job
i used to make drinks for my mom
until the incident when she brought home a mixer
with the liquor already in it
and the extra three fingers was too much and made her sick

i make a mean margarita
and i think there's a master class
i've always thought i'd be good at it
because i'm a good listener
but
i've always been uncomfortable
with the legal ramifications
of maybe serving somebody too much
need money
gotta keep those options open

bed!

i got home just as you were starting
so i might have missed a bit
then my mom says
call me
which makes me think there's a crisis
so i called her
she is calling me to tell me it's crazy out there
i fucking know that
i still gotta go to work
until they tell me something

she stood in the fucking whole foods
for 45 minutes

45 minutes
this last winter was the first one she didn't get pneumonia
she's got the heart thing
she's 150 years old
i read a bunch of stories about old people sitting in their cars
in the grocery store parking lot crying
afraid to go in

i thought we agreed that you were gonna order your groceries

it took five hours

so you stood in the contagion and disease for 45 minutes
please please please try to limit your exposure
if you get this
it will be bad

i have to call her back

after i finish eating

i'm freaking out a little
i'm not too worried about getting it
and all my herbal tinctures i ordered have shipped
so i might get them in time
but
she's not in great shape
she has great insurance
but
have you been hearing about milan

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[primal scream]
my mother

I dreamed

you did some sort of video broadcast

your head was shaved

and your face was painted shiny yellow

like blue Man group

but yellow

I can't remember

whether you were saying anything

or whether it was all

like mine or something

and

I had two cars

both ran just fine

one was red

one was yellow

both small batch back-y type cars

then

I was somewhere

not sure where

maybe my house

maybe your house

you wanted me to wipe you down

so I did

with a towel

then I was trying to leave

because I had to get to work

or school

not sure

when someone walked up

and was trying to show me something

then they saw you

and started talking about your video

I think there might have been more

but

I woke up

goodnight sweetheart

please stay well

no

getting

sick

😁

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

💋

goodnight sweetheart
i'm going to bed
found out today
that i'm not gonna know whether or not i have a job
until
monday
and then
the last day will be wednesday
so
even if they let me go
they'll get their promo change in
fuckers

i asked
if we knew when the interviewing would be happening
and he said
oh, no, no interviewing
he sent them an assessment
and they will use that
along with
our rating and such

i think
that is bullshit
and
i don't know what he said in the assessment
but
if i'm "applying" for the job
i should get a fucking interview

these people don't even know what they are doing
they coulda done this shit before hand
and just laid off the loser

this is unnecessary stress


anyway
whatever
i should not be getting worked up about it
it doesn't really matter

they're just so
unprofessional

I had to set up a new email

for the job search

and

of course my first initial last name

was taken

they suggested a string of numbers after

but of course

I'll never remember that

so

first initial last name

.petrichor

I thought that seemed right

_11.8

goodnight sweetheart
i gotta go to bed
my first round of searching
has led me to
i want to go to check out aldi in the morning

maybe i will not like it
there's all this scary talk about
hard work
and fast paced environment
but
it's not a corporation
and
they have benefits

and
i've been interested in them for a while
and they seem to be hiring
so
i want to check it out for myself

i didn't think there was one close
but
it turns out
like 3.5 miles
down between fondren and gessner

_13.8

ok
so
jameel, as it turns out
is going to apply for the job
i'm not sure how he thinks he's going to do it
but
i think
since he probably makes less than me
he will probably get it

so
i may not even have that
so
that is part of why i'm kinda over-wrought
i am kinda alternating between
feeling like i'm gonna vomit
and
feeling like i'm gonna cry
and
sadly
slight glee each time i realize another thing
that they don't know they don't know
and
what a hard time they're gonna have without me
which is not mature
and i'm not proud of it

i went out to dinner with a friend
even though i had planned to hit the want ads pretty hard
because i just needed to stop the constant loop in my brain

i just keep thinking
i want to be a waitress in a diner
but
don't waitresses work for like $2.15 an hour + tips?
i keep trying to talk myself out of it
i've never been a waitress

today
my manager told me that total wine has an opening for an assistant manager
which i already knew
because amanda told me yesterday
i don't really want to be an assistant manager
that is a super shitty job
and
also
one of the physical requirements is
must be able to climb a ladder and lift 50 pounds above your head
repeatedly
i can climb a ladder
i can lift 50 pounds
but
not on a ladder
and probably not above my head

i climb the ladder
i have to hold on
i am terrified i will fall
i let go of the ladder to grab something
i lose my balance
maybe i fall
but for sure i cannot lift a 50 pound box above my head
bring it down to chest height
and then walk down the fucking ladder
not holding on

not willing to do any of that
even once
no

i will move back in with my mother first
plus their ad is the corporate-y-est thing i've ever read
i don't want to work for them

and
how am i supposed to interpret that anyway
his telling me about that

i should have left here a long time ago
and now the universe is going to make me do it the hard way

i love you sweetheart
i'm going to be soon

💋

that was supposed to be going to bed soon
but i kinda like the freudian slip
and
i didn't go to bed soon
but i'm going to now