SOMETHING 

about my dad

TRIGGERED me REAL real BAD

& it has VEVERBERATED*

*I'm not looking it up, it looks wrong to me but how else would you spell it

through EVERYTHING 

& I KINDA don't KNOW 

WHAT 

is HAPPENING 

BUT 

at the same time

I came home

I ate lentils 

ya KNOW 

I'm FUNCTIONAL 

I'm kinda 

hopeful maybe I'll figure something out 

in therapy tomorrow 

I am confused 

& slightly 

freaked out

I think I need to sleep 

I'm not trying to 

break up with you

I gave you that 281 already

I've had a bunch of sus stuff

on my phone today 

PLEASE 

be OK 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

👾🫚

I ubered after all

I'm home safely 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I don't think I can do it today 

I'm here

I'm sitting outside 

I've been here about 15 min

I'm about to cry

I am not sure what's going on 

I was climbing the stairs

& I was just

SO MUCH NOPE 

I don't want to take an Uber either

I think i'mma walk back to Westheimer 

& ride the bus home

I don't THINK 

I'm up for TK either

JUST NO

to EVERYTHING 

I don't think I am ok

BUT 

I'm not sure what is wrong 

OK

NOT my most slimming outfit 

BUT 

I think I got a kawaii thing

going on 

& I'm fixing to

WALK

Kinda scared

BUT 

NOW 

MOSTLY 

of that guy

I gotta go to bed 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

👾🫚

❤️

WEATHERpocalypse (edited)

I really liked the latest episode 

of WEATHERpocalypse 

I especially liked

the CENTER POINT map

trying to get it to LOAD

THEN 

find your address 

& THAT doesn't seem to MEAN anything 

THEN

AROUND the CORNER 

BIG BLUE ORB-- power outage 

I have AQUIRED

NO NEW information 

this has helped me

NOT at ALL 

I'm SO GLAD

I spent so MUCH time 

trying to get this to load

the next day

I GUESS they figured out 

what everyone NEEDED*

*to STOP calling 

*or MAYBE ya know PSA

863 thousand cases

of which 

349 thousand have been restored 

MY TAKE AWAY from this

keep your panties on

we'll get to you

YOU are NOT ALONE*

*these are not the droids you're looking for hand gesture (although I don't think I should say it)

AND

I'm standing out front of my apartment 

on the stoop

AND I'm LIKE 

what we need right now

is an ice cream truck

BECAUSE I suddenly had a FLASHBACK 

well not REALLY 

to this one time

I had damaged my vocal chords

& I had to take a week off work

AND

there was this ice cream truck

that would drive down

EVERY street

BUT mine

ECHOing like some

PSYCHOLOGICAL thriller

& I'm out wandering the streets

with a FIST FULL of dollars

is it REAL

where ARE you 

ice cream dealer

I NEED 

a red white and blue 

BOMB pop

AND the lights across the street 

GO ON

ooo ooo me next me next

AND a few minutes later

LIGHTS flash on

I swear I hear a CHEER

then off

then on, off, on, off, on, off, on

OFF stayed off

AND

the thing is

I knew there were supposed to be 

THUNDERSTORMS

ya KNOW 

SOMETHING about PTSD,

hey welcome to the neighborhood--here are the places that if it's been raining HARD for more that 20 minutes--  you shouldn't DRIVE INTO or you might DIE, etc

BUT 

I didn't initially realize 

TORNADO warning 

BUT 

THEN even when I did

I FEEL like 

we ALL know

TORNADOES are like

NORTH by NORTHWEST 

I MEAN

there was that ONE in the mid nineties 

came through MONTROSE 

KNOCKED over

my mom's CATALPA tree

& then swung through

MICHAEL JONE'S closet

NEXT street over

STYLED

his drag WIGS

BUT those were different times

AND

EXCEPTIONS prove the RULE

TORNADO warnings 

DO NOT apply to ME 

***********************

I don't think this is bad 🤠

it should have MORE 

being in the dark

PROBABLY 

HEB candle chosen in the dark

turned out to be

TEXAS front porch scent

My cat didn't want to eat in the dark

I had to hold the candle for him

& I have to bend over

and pet him

the entire

TIME 

DOWNWARD cat?

BUT ALSO 

when the power is out 

I ALWAYS want

to do SOME sort of RITUAL in the KITCHEN 

FOR REAL for real

it's a STRONG pull

HEY 

if I melted down

& embarrassed myself

I'm sorry 

I LOVE you

my point wasn't so much

I'm a big deal

people respond to me

& MORE

I am kinda afraid of men generally 

in a way

&

the idea of the human dynamic

is off-putting ENOUGH 

to be DISCOURAGING 

because 

I hadn't thought 

about THAT 

if I'm too MUCH 

& you want

JUST 

not to have to DEAL with me

I UNDERSTAND 

TODAY 

I don't want to deal with me

I LOVE you VERY much 

I hope you have a beautiful 

THANK GOD I don't live in TEXAS day

I LOVE you

VERY much 

❤️❤️❤️

AND

I realize 

SOME percent of 

the you in my HEAD 

is a construction 

& I know that isn't fair to you 

AND

I maybe am not giving jason what he needs

I'm having existential crisis

on parade

I don't want to be 

like the olds

I'm not sure I understand 

the youngs

I am worried 

I might be full of sh*t

BUT 

I DO want you to be happy 

I want to be happy too

goodnight sweetheart 

❤️👾🫚

LOOK 

idk if I'm self gas-lighting

OR if there is some way

I fundamentally 

WHAT

I may not have done

ANY particular 

configuration 

the "right" way

BUT 

if you don't feel 

how

I feel for you

then

I lose hope

God REST ye merry gentlemen 

is playing AGGRESSIVELY 

in my HEAD 

I guess

I'm not supposed to 

FREAK out

MAYBE 

OK

I am thinking 

I probably haven't used that word

CONGRATULATIONS 

I DID feel

LIKE I had conveyed that sentiment 

BUT maybe I didn't 

I KNOW I have been

WEIRD 

I have ALWAYS and ever

wanted good things for you

AND in my language 

if I was saying 

CONGRATULATIONS 

all the time

it would be like

WOW

LUCKY to get THAT 

it's like congratulating a woman*

*old school etiquette 

for getting engaged or married 

BUT 

THAT would fit, possibly 

I am happy to congratulate you 

at any level of your

choosing

I think you're awesome

I'm not surprised 

when you and cool stuff collide

OK

did I just ask

a question 

FREAK out and back down from the question 

OR

am I NOW paranoid 

I'm not lying about the ANXIETY 

I think I'm going to bed

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚

THAT 

was NOT what I meant 

whatever is making me hear

you're so vain

in my HEAD 

it wasn't new information 

was it

I ASSUMED 

YOU were 

you KNOW how

I FEEL about OK

ALSO

I'm not 💯 that I'm thinking RIGHT 

I'm having some 

ANXIETY 

about

well at least it's not hot

I'm NOT sure

I feel like 

the universe presents me

with stuff like this

BECAUSE 

that's what I need at the time

THEN

I feel slightly CRAZY 

for saying THAT 

&

I would very much

been keeping my EYE on

AH

I see where I get

worried & stressed out

with you

I don't know 

how sharp your edge is

my dad

he was NASTY mean

with his edge

so I don't know 

am I supposed to laugh

or DODGE the punch

is it

good natured

or HURT

I want tea

REAL BAD

but

not QUITE bad enough 

to BUST out the camp stove

the kind 

of 

DARK CHOCOLATE 

that

makes you produce

STEM CELLS 

you

DON'T 

think I'm a BITCH 

& I have LIKE

QUALITY dark chocolate VIBES

about THAT 

I'm glad it's cool this evening 

it's gonna be in the nineties

TOMORROW 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

RESIST any temptation 

to interpret 

negatively 

sleep well

❤️

👾🫚

if I had realized it was likely 

that i'd lose power 

I would have planned

BETTER 

my mom has power back

SO I can walk over

& charge 

my phone

they guy on the street

his friend was

LIKE 

a carnival barker

it was obvious 

they were trying to get attention 

& I just didn't want any 

I mean I had my own sh*t

going on in my HEAD 

BUT 

then he SAID 

F*CK it

& ran across the street to his car

MAYBE that's normal for him 

OR he was upset

that he didn't get

ATTENTION 

BUT 

his COMEDY 

I found 

SOMEWHAT 

just, idk, off-putting 

& he added

that night

a bit about how bad it was

he got some BIG GIRL pregnant 

& I'm thinking 

I don't want to interact 

I don't like this guy's vibe

BUT 

then I thought about

going back there

I remembered 

comedians 

tend to

CLUMP

the girl*

*I can't remember her name 

I'm at an age

where everyone 

REMINDS me OF someone 

she* reminds me of Lesa Ann

who I did NOT like

she added

a thing about CANKLES

which I may have inspired 

I have EPICALLY BAD CANKLES

you're NOT trying to quit me

are you?

the power came on

&then

OFF 

again 

&then

the power 

FLASHED

on, off, on, off, on, off

a BUNCH of times

&then

OFF

again

🤬

still NO POWER

I LOVE you VERY much 

have a beautiful 

"THANK GOD I don't live in TEXAS" day

I THOUGHT 

it evoked a mood

BUT 

I was NOT 

TRYING to freak you out

with the RADIOHEAD & such

❤️💌👾🫚

hey my signal is bad & I'm trying to conserve battery 

SO I'm gonna say 

I LOVE you VERY much 

BUT 

I thought of another scenario

that fits all the data points

BUT MEANS 

MAYBE 

I didn't SUCK

I asked one of the other guys 

when I read the rules

that said 

DON'T CHEAT the CLOCK 

& I asked him

SO I had ALREADY been TOLD 

THAT

AND

HEY MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN TRY

fits THAT too 

AND the other GUY 

referenced 10 seconds 

SO it had to have been apparent 

THAT THAT was my

white crow moment

NO

THAT is histrionic

it's more just weird 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight ❤️

👾🫚

My power is out

SO

maybe later on TK

WEATHERpocalypse

cut painting short

for the day

making some changes to this one

I wasn't happy with it 

OK

SOMETHING else 

HAPPENED 

at least I now think it did

Monday 

after I walked out of RUDZ

I was standing on the street calling my Uber 

one of the comedians 

was standy

not far

from me 

talking to his friend 

I overheard a comment 

& didn't feel like 

it was required for me to comment 

I was not being spoken to 

& when I turned towards them

there didn't seem to be any attempt to

LIKE make eye contact 

it WAS about his COMEDY something 

BUT I didn't know what they were

TALKING about 

& I could have 

at least SAID congratulations 

THAT would have been the 

RIGHT thing 

I think 

SO

I have potentially 

shown myself 

to be a BITCH 

*sigh*

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚

I WAS gonna listen 

to TK

BUT I've been in a STRANGE mood 

& I'm NOT gonna be able to 

MAKE with the NICE 

ccCRITIQUE

might be in order

BUT 

it's NOT on MY bingo card

I'll come back

WRITE 

but TK tomorrow 

❤️

Mr Roger's neighborhood 

playing in my HEAD 

goodnight sweetheart 

possibly weird day tomorrow 

should probably have

gone to bed

an hour

AGO

art supply 

with NO managers

JUST the help

I hope this hasn't been -- something 

it's about doing something 

OUTSIDE my comfort zone

it's about learning 

about myself 

I NEED 

STRETCHING 

does it all FEEL good 

I MEAN 

it KINDA depends on what you mean

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

👾🫚

edited

well

he didn't seem to think 

the awareness trickle

was unusual 

or

REALLY even interesting 

he did seem 

a little surprised that I did it

& blah blah blah 

he seems a lot more committed 

to the IDEA of me

BECOMING 

a comedian 

than makes sense to me 

& I REALLY wish

he would STOP saying 

OH you HAVE to put THAT in your ACT

BUT 

we had a fun moment 

at the end

he was telling me 

he did this keynote

& he was talking about time management 

& his big hook line was

TAKE OFF your WATCHES

AND then

they PRESENTED him

with a WATCH at the end

& he was like

CRAP I was embarrassed 

WHAT do YOU SAY to THAT

AND 

I'm all LIKE 

I CANNOT WAIT 

to TAKE THIS OFF

BEFORE that

I was all LIKE 

I KNOW 

I should probably feel embarrassed 

BUT 

I don't 

MY DEMAND of myself 

was that I write it

& DO it

I wasn't expecting to be GOOD 

the first time 

AND

the fact that I was able to

IN the MOMENT 

TAKE notes

about what I need to do differently 

& the fact that I 

DIDN'T say

Uh, UM, ya know, blah blah

NERVOUS stutter

WAS a given

that I didn't let myself down on

It's open mic nite

they didn't PAY anything 

I didn't DEFRAUD anyone

THAT is what open mic is for

LEARNING sh*t

I WANTED to be a ballerina 

BUT 

when I realized 

I was built like a line backer

& wasn't even really 

THAT good of a dancer

I didn't want to do it anymore 

BECAUSE 

THAT would have been 

SAD for me

SOME people might

just do it for FUN but that wasn't 

how I felt about it

SO

I need to do THIS 

until I understand it

WELL enough 

to KNOW what I THINK about it 

ALSO 

he seemed to think 

it was important 

that other new guy referenced me

LIKE it meant 

I made an impression 

or something 

I don't really understand that

I THINK it's cool

that it let me point to

something 

LIKE 

I helped that guy

& that it

let me laugh at myself 

through him

BUT 

I don't think that's what he meant 

well

I think today 

is the first day

where I have MORE 

I want to talk about

then I'm likely to have time for

WHY 

Jason's attempt at 

whatever that is

made me angry

&

the weird way

my awareness of

actual on the ground experience 

trickled in

for my

FIRST time experience 

NOT sure 

HOW that's gonna go

they are connected 

❤️

THANK YOU 

for letting me SHARE that with you

it really 

means a lot

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚

I guess 

MAYBE one could say 

in general 

I do not want

SYMPATHY or

encouragement

I am not sure WHY 

BUT 

I often have unpleasant FEELS 

when they are proffered 

SO

after analysis 

I DID it

NOT well

which isn't surprising 

& I am NOT 

displeased

that thing that probably 

LOOKED like 

running from the stage

is like a default error

which JUST doesn't 

SURPRISE me either

I MEAN 

I'm dismayed 

BUT 

it makes the owie comment 

make more sense

SO

NOW it's not owie anymore 

& maybe I helped the other first timer

he was like

I have 10 seconds left 

I'm just gonna put

the microphone 

BACK

SEE

NOW 

THAT'S FUNNY NOW 

🤠😁😜

he DID die

at the beach though

the family THEORY 

is he drowned himself 

BECAUSE 

he showed my father

WHERE he was putting his wallet 

& CLEARLY 

that MEANS 

he knew he wasn't coming back 

this is the peach tree guy

& I see no FLAW in reasoning 

BUT it's also 

POSSIBLY 

wrong

Jason was there that day though

& I wouldn't 

ACTUALLY 

want to trigger THAT 

I just wish

MAN

I don't even know what to wish here

I wish he didn't trigger me

BUT it's probably 

GOOD for me 

POSSIBLY 

I actually didn't do the time right

I think I might have

THOUGHT 

I had to leave the stage

before the clock hit three

I MIGHT have 

caused him to have to

head for the stage

a few seconds early

I THINK he shook my hand

there's a WAY 

in which it's ALL 

KINDA 

a blur

OR

POSSIBLY MORE aggressive 

BUT not

ANTI-family

OR

I changed it

in the moment 

& I got a reaction 

I said

on the bucket thing

instead of possible trigger

I SAID 

BONUS ROUND

GRANDPA died at the beach

I'm just not SURE whether it was

a GOOD reaction 

I DID enjoy it though

& I enjoyed

having something unexpected 

BURST out of me

I couldn't see em at the nutcracker 

I can't see you NOW 

BUT 

I'm used to READING people

I got the impression 

all the other people 

seem to see the audience 

BUT 

I guess

be prepared not to

it's good to understand 

what the stage

feels like

from

the other direction 

STAND up

is such a short amount of time

it's like 

inoculation for something else 

MAYBE 

I didn't HATE it 

I don't want 

sympathy 

or encouragement 

I know 

most normal people 

probably would 

BUT I don't 

I did good on time

& not terrible at

remembering 

I need to practice in front of a mirror 

I guess

SO I have the physical stuff

SOLID 

I didn't realize 

I would have no visual feedback 

I need different material for next week

LESS AGGRESSIVE 

I THINK 

chilly pad increases

COGNITIVE function 

PABLO's here and we about to change

some documents

NO POLICING of PABLO

WILBON 

PERMITTED parishes only

BEST dressed kids in AMERICA 

I'm saying that for the kids

who know red skelton so well

MYSTIC DAN

BUTCHER box 

is BACK

BONA FIDES

CUTTERS not mowers

DEAD to me

ep167

ep207

ep54

WINE is for CLOSERS

ANDREW Weis & friends

Taylor Swift mouse flush song-- upcoming 

I guess

I'm used to making people 

that I KNOW laugh

& that is an important distinction 

ANYWAY

fixin to listen to TK 

I'm home 

I needed to get 

ALONE 

I KNEW it was likely 

that i'd suck

& I MEAN 

most of those people kinda suck

BUT 

I was not prepared to be 

second

that kinda threw me

& I was completely unprepared for 

HOW disorienting 

the bright lights in my eyes would be

BUT 

the funniest thing 

the host for the evening 

was like

HEY most people don't even TRY

owie owie owie

 WHATEVER 

MORE RELATABLE 

& there was almost no one there

SO

I don't know if that was better

or WORSE 

NOT used to using a mic

BUT I didn't feel scared

so much as

DISORIENTED 

BUT 

I guess I DID suck

So

I was second

I couldn't see anyone 

I didn't hear 

any laughter

I'm not gonna be 

On script

I'm gonna base it on that

BUT 

in the moment 

I'm gonna flow

Because I will sound scripted

if I go on script 

& it doesn't matter anyway, right

It's raining 

SO I ubered instead of walking 

hope you're having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I may or may not get laughs

we'll see

❤️

edited again

I like to THINK that I'm a painter 

I PAINT 

BUT

I recently reconnected with my estranged brother 

we're looking at each other's Instagrams

as you do

my brother is a PAINTER in nyc 

he's married to a performance artist 

their CHILD 

AJAX

& I'm not SURE 

I guess HE is technically 

a PIECE of 

ART

his BIRTH ya know

it was LIKE a THING 

with tickets 

my brother has painted 

LIKE

1500 paintings

of CUBES 

since Christmas 

I had this ONE little painting 

SUMMER in Houston

UP on Instagram 

it's a little ABSTRACT but 

it DOES have someone 

BURSTING into FLAMES 

SO

TRUE to my LIVED experience 

& he commented 

DAD would be so PROUD 

Mmmmmmmm

I don't know how to respond to him 

AND I feel like

BAD that I haven't yet

BUT 

we have different fathers 

I MEAN 

we DON'T 

SAME MAN

BUT 

I cannot even TRANSLATE 

SO PROUD 

into something that

MAKES SENSE

in the 

CONTEXT

of me and MY dad

BECAUSE 

the way I want to ANSWER 

is

I don't want to hear some shit about PROUD 

you can just f*CK RIGHT off with THAT 

AND

as I'm saying it 

OUT LOUD 

I REALIZE 

this MIGHT sound

LIKE 

HARSH

& if you write it OUT 

it LOOKS 

SLIGHTLY PSYCHOTIC 

BUT 

I've been 

EXPERIMENTING 

with emojis as alternative 

COMMUNICATION 

AND

STAY with me here

I'm THINKING about 

BUCKET emoji

MIGHT mean

Oh, making dad PROUD 

that's MAJOR bucket list for me

OR

MIGHT mean

WOW the bullsh*t 

you are just laying it on PRETTY THICK

MIGHT trigger

REMEMBER how paw paw

DROWNED at the beach*

*because it kinda looks like those beach sandcastle kit buckets

at least on ANDROID it does

TRANSLATION CRISIS

AVERTED

your move

ACE

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚

ONE thing 

I learned to do

when I went to live with my mom 

BARTENDING 

well, that makes it sound like

I'm tom cruise in COCKTAIL 🍸 

THIS was more like

THREE FINGERS 

SLOSH of mixer

ICE

BUT THEN 

ONE TIME 

she bought a mixer

THAT INCLUDED alcohol 

AND

I guess I shoulda READ the label

BUT I didn't KNOW 

they MADE mixers with alcohol 

AND

MAMACITA 

to THIS DAY 

NO LONGER drinks

PINA COLADA 

I don't know how she feels about 

getting caught in the rain 🌧️ ☔ 

BUT 

I'm pretty SURE 

she's not into THAT either 

SEX bomb?

Takes a LICKING

& keeps on 

TICKING

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚

OK

this is less more chitty and less chat

my brother 

those things he does

ANAGRAMS 

they weird me out a little 

is that CRAZY

it's like

DUDE 

neither of these phrases

USUALLY 

has any real meaning

to me

it doesn't seem FUNNY 

it seems like

there's supposed to be something 

MORE than just moving sh*t around 

it seems like it almost hits

am I just TOO 

SOMETHING 

or is it KINDA unsettling 

ALSO 

the connections

they don't seem right to me SOMEHOW 

& MAYBE that's how I come across 

BUT 

I'm prepared

to be told

I'm an assh*le 

if you don't mind some

CHITTY CHAT

so I like this, I like all the little bitty bits

BUT it isn't a picture 

& I'm at that stage

where I don't want to change it

BUT I've opened up

once it occurred to me 

to paint OVER

the painted

COLLAGE 

LIKE 

all bets are off, anything MIGHT happen 

I'm SO HAPPY with

the take off your sunglasses one

that I'm tempted to 

approach it 

from THAT angle 

BUT 

I've also thought 

it MIGHT just need

a little dark LINE work*

*line work is what I would consider to be a weaker skill 

I am happy with those painted circles

& I've got a bunch left

so MAYBE that's 

the way to go 

I'm not really asking 

it's all sort of

RHETORICAL 

ALSO

i HAVE achieved

the MOVEMENT I was going for

BUT I doesn't FEEL 

THERE yet

I cleaned out a spray bottle 

I have some high flow

florescent chartreuse 

BUT 

I feel like this needs

dark CONTRAST too

I think I'm painting that in

BUT 

I haven't decided WHAT exactly 

the thing about HOUSTON 

is that to live here

you develop 

WEATHER AMNESIA 

SO

you forget 

what's OUTSIDE 

TODAY 

was a headache day 

HOPE your HEAD 

is feeling groovy*

*I'm in a goofy mood-- 

I'm NOT trying to be anything objectionable-- 

I MUST sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚

COFFEE flavored KISSES

STRAIGHT CASH homie

FABULOUS email

MARIO'S pizza

it just finished 

& I didn't stop it right away 

SO it went

to where it THINKS 

I left off

MARCH 19th I think it was 

SO WHAT'S an UPSET

talking about WALK UP 🎵

ANTHEM 

6:45 start

NATs are BETTER 

FOREshadowing GREATness?

I'm not yet OPTIMISTIC 

BUT I am

NO LONGER pessimistic 

EASY like Carolina SWEET TEA

BRUINS

TAG team WINE story

MY FEELING 

this is all for me

Oooo CAKEBREAD is good

it's one of the brands you've heard of

PAUL McCartney to write 

new mailbag jingle

drank the RIVER WATER

RANGERS --knicks

popped a TIRE

BARRY is next

WAIT 

HOW is there ANOTHER episode 

I am like out of battery 

AND very tired

& I have 

a headache but NOW I WANT to listen 

CRAP on TOAST!!!

Italian, Chinese, Dutch

there's NOTHING worse

I'm having a COLD FLASH

SYMPATHY for the devil

DEER PARK deer ESCORTS

WOW

DEER PARK & missouri city

STONE throwers

HILLer MAN

YUMA criminals -- they unfortunately do NOT wear stipey jump suits

JUGGLERS 

ALICE 

LOUISE GLUCK!!!!!

JAMES MacArthur -- Steinbeck connection 

BOOK provenance

FUTURE modeling 

palindromic steps

ep247

I remember liking Chaucer 

but I don't remember 

it well enough to 

DO off the cuff

I GOT the HORSE right HERE 

I like me some TRISKET

BUBBLER

wildE CATs --six degrees of separation-- SIGNA

OK mutherf*CKers what is MY official title

I KNEW THAT!!!!!

la CHEESERIE bib

MARATHON runner

I LIKE this MARILYN song

THAT was a GOOD episode 

brought to you

by ALLERGIES 

make Nigel sound cockney 

is he getting MORE popular

there are MORE commercials 

PIRATE pitcher

paul skeins -- mind the gap killer

FREAKY yamamoto 

SPLITTER from hell

mt. OHTANI feng shui

NL Central REPRESENT

REALLY 

AVOCADO 

that gambling commercial though 

WHAT'S the MOOD

in BOSTON -- wariness 

he ONLY 

WANTS the THREEs

1957 for god's sake

Durant's public evolution 

BRUINS

SAYLE the RAIL

GROWN on the side of a VOLCANO 

RUG & vegetables 

FIVE TOMATOES 

parking notes

WHY would he call

I just said it OUT LOUD

I'm sorry 

I got started looking at paintings

& thinking about 

what things 

needed

& I'm a little high*

*farm bill legal hhc

AND

I have no idea how long that was

ALSO 

I was thinking about 

how much progress 

I've made

& then

I started thinking about 

how I think I'm doing 

more generally 

SO

it probably was a WHILE 

OK

starting again 

& making tea

OK

SOMETHING stuck in my HEAD 

it's classical

I KNOW what it is

BUT 

I DON'T know 

& my Google assistant 

can't recognize it 

I'm LIKE it's CHOPIN

NO

it's MOZART

AND my brain is freaking out 

that I can't decide between 

those two different things 

makes me wonder 

did I mash two THINGS 

GOing

OK

I had lady in red

stuck in my head

ALL day

not sure what that's about 

fixin to listen to TK 

not sure if this is finished 

i haven't glued this down yet, but I'm pretty sure about it

i think this is close

this is probably finished 

I gotta go to bed 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight ❤️

👾🫚

I forgot 

I really like this

it's watercolor

& it's Westheimer but I'm not sure 

EXACTLY where 

on Westheimer 

BUT 

I love it

especially the bicycle 

& the tree

& the rain

& how the building on the left

is almost ephemera 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I hope you had

a beautiful day 

I was with my mom

TODAY 

&

I feel compelled to explain 

I still love my dad

he did me wrong 

BUT 

I don't think he has the capacity 

to do any different 

I think my leaving 

BROKE him somehow 

& rather than doing

the SMART thing

knowing what he knew about my mom

which would have been

to assure me that

I could come back

he just took it as

TOTAL rejection 

plus

my mom winning 

BUT 

even while he was doing all that stuff

he would call me

and be like

DON'T GIVE UP on me

he was complicated 

he made bad choices 

he hurt me really badly 

I hurt him too

BUT I was trying to SAVE myself

after years of begging him

to help me

& he couldn't 

I didn't want to hurt him

& if I knew them

what I know now

I'm not SURE I would have done the SAME 

I THINK 

I might have done

SOMETHING 

crazier

he and deborah split up

not that long after

I guess I was in highschool then

MAN

I don't want to THINK about 

ANY of THIS 

I've been to RUDZ

twice now

& I have a favorite comedian 

the funny thing is 

I went upstairs 

I looked around 

I headed for a table

&

when I got to it

there was stuff in the chair

it belonged to 

SOMEONE 

SO

I took the table directly behind 

&

THAT guy is my favorite 

the one who took my seat*

*I mean not really because he was there first

second week

he takes that SAME table 

& so do I

take my same table

I do not notice other people

sitting in the same places

BUT 

I THINK some are at the bar

he's got a Netflix special**

**he said on stage-- I haven't talked to him about it or anything-- it's called early bird special

OK

I don't have a stopwatch 

BUT that was about 

two minutes 

SO 

I got time for a bit

(it's three minutes now to fill, not six)

& I need

PHYSICAL 

& I am considering 

my therapist 's advice

plus maybe some explanation 

for why I'm in therapy 

I don't actually need it

BUT 

I'd KINDA like to 

ALSO 

I'm unconvinced that THAT 

is the best way to end

SEEMS like 

there should be

some razzle CHANG-O

I gotta go to bed 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight ❤️

👾🫚

stand up idea rough (more more more edited)

I'm a painter

I PAINT

& I KINDA reconnected 

with my estranged brother recently 

He's a painter

in NYC 

his partner is a performance artist

AJAX

their CHILD

the birth

was an INVITATIONAL event

we've been looking at 

each other's paintings on Instagram 

as you do

I did this one

SUMMER in Houston 

it's a little abstract

BUT

there IS a person

BURSTING into FLAMES 

which I think is pretty realistic, actually 

he's done like 1500 paintings 

of CUBES

since Christmas

I was telling my therapist about him

he's ALWAYS been hyper-active

OH is he ADHD

Ummm you are REALLY not

PICKING up the 

CONTEXT CLUES doc

DIAGNOSES?!

like, will you NEXT

be asking me about my experience 

with allergy shots?!

he bounced off the walls

it's hard to hit a moving target

BUT mom had GAME (physical)

ANYWAY 

he commented on my SUMMER painting 

that dad would be

so PROUD (physical)

& I remembered 

KINDA 

how we got estranged 

I wanted to COMMENT 

BACK

BUT 

I haven't figured out yet 

how to TRANSLATE 

my EXPERIENCE 

of dad

into something he can understand 

AND it's just not worth it 

it's HATFIELDs & CAPULETS 

BUT 

I'm reasonably certain 

he's expecting 

SOMETHING more along the lines of

(bunch of physical)

weeeeeeelllllll

yeah, uuummmm 

I got NOTHING 

BUT 

ANYWAY 

I'm pretty sure it's not ANYTHING even remotely LIKE

I don't want to hear 

some sh*t about PROUD 

you can 

f*CK right off 

with THAT 

SO MAYBE 🪣

(bucket emoji)

your move

after midnight plays in my head

though it isn't 

AND 

I wonder WHO I am

I KNOW who I am

who knows who I AM

there's a part of me

that thinks

that sh*t about my dad

should somehow be 

the stand up

though it doesn't seem 

FUNNY 

there's another part of me

that screams 

that's not entry level

I can remember myself 

BUT I FEEL

ALIENATED

from the memory 

of myself

& I WONDER 

if you can relate to me

OR if really 

you'd REALLY rather 

get off the ride

I think I'm KINDA niche

WILBON

Golden age, I kinda got the end of it

I'm not OLD enough to get 

a lifetime achievement award

they went golfing

at the number two course

at Pinehurst

with the architect 

THE GROUND GAME

salt box kitchen 

NATs are above 500

it was a stormy weekend 

I remember 

HOCUS POCUS JUNK 

brief and soaking rain

did not impede us

OK

fixin to listen to TK 

I still LOVE my dad

btw

but he had this

really nasty edge to him

that red head hit

I had already

I thought made up with him

I had stayed at his apartment 

watching the boys

while he was in the hospital 

because 

he didn't want to 

have to

OWE deborah anything 

whatever that means

& that was years before 

because jason was in middle school

oh and also

when I was in highschool 

he was in the hospital 

& I walked from PVA to the medical center

to see him

I THINK we had

some sort of closure

when I saw him in 2007-2008 over the New Year

BUT it is a great sadness for me

& it FEELS like 

ICK

the sort of girlfriend vibe of my relationship 

with my father

& there's other stuff

that I didn't think 

BUT then

just not SURE 

& THAT doesn't feel good either

I did manage to fall asleep 

about five o'clock 

this morning 

I FEEL 

a little volatile 

I had KINDA 

low key forgotten 

SOME of that 

& CERTAINLY don't like

DWELL on it

SO

NOW it's all 

FRESH

and sh*t

MAYBE 

I'm not gonna be so chatty today 

I was trying to explain 

why the dad proud thing bothered me

I had a relationship 

with dad

for five and a half years

before jason came along

& it was different 

than the relationship 

they had

& I feel like he's somehow 

telling me like

he knows BETTER 

he's probably 

just telling me 

what he probably thinks 

would be

something I want to hear

certainly not 

anything he would think I wouldn't want to hear 

BUT it isn't 

what I want to hear

& I don't know exactly why it makes me angry

BUT it DOES 

my problem with dad

wasn't that he wasn't proud of me

my problem with dad

was he left me in parked cars alone at night

while he went into strip clubs

to recruit my "new mommy"

he left you in the car in strip club parking lots

well, no sorry, not strip clubs

TOPLESS bars

same thing

SMALLER parking lots

THEN

he was all like

I love you MORE than her

BUT he would tell her

ALL my SECRETS 

some of which were

ABOUT HER

so here she is

the EX-topless waitress

fresh from the trailer park

& OBSESSED with 

how I am not showing her the proper respect

I am UPPITY

& her goal in life

is to BREAK ME

& HE is making it ACTIVELY worse

I didn't get to this part

because I got distracted 

I finally could NOT take deborah 

ANYMORE 

I went to live with my MOM*

*which turned out to be it's own nightmare 

& my dad acted like

I was some bad ex-girlfriend

who broke his heart

BUT he couldn't QUITE quit

TRYING REALLY HARD though

he would make plans with me

NOT SHOW

NOT CALL

when I'd finally get a hold of him

he'd say

I figured you'd figure it out

I wasn't coming

he would be supposed to pick me up

& leave me stranded

my mom out of town or whatever 

he NEVER forgave me

I was a miserable kid

I was trying to 

make my life

NOT HELL

& that

f*CKing backfired

I LOVED him SO MUCH 

& he knew I was miserable 

& he couldn't be big enough 

to forgive his ten and a half year old child

for not putting him FIRST 

OR

WHAT the f*CK ever

his interpretation of event was

BESIDES 

he saw my art

I went to f*CKing PVA

& he came to at least one show

I THINK 

maybe NOT though

MAYBE 

the show I'm remembering 

was jason's show

THAT'S the one I remember 

HE'S like 

looking at a red haired girl

in the same show with jason 

YOU don't really have red hair anymore, do you

WHICH YES

I absolutely DID

BUT 

it FELT like SUCH a SLAP in the FACE

because he ALWAYS made SUCH a BIG deal

about how beautiful

my red hair was

I MEAN 

it FELT like he spent

MORE than the 

NEXT TEN YEARS

trying to BREAK my HEART

RIGHT BACK

AND

I DON'T WANT to HEAR

some sh*t about proud

f*CK right off with THAT

had a studio meeting tonight 

LUCY is having

SURGERY 

Monday

so there was stuff we had to figure out

for the open studio

& I'll be working 

Mondays & Wednesdays all through May 

riaz and I worked out

WHEN people need to have

stuff ready to hang

downstairs 

then I figure out HOW it arranges 

& riaz and bob actually 

hang stuff

I had therapy earlier 

I told him about

my weird reaction to Jason

BUT 

he didn't really have any thoughts 

BUT 

I asked him

LOOK you been talking to me 

a while now 

do you THINK 

there is any way

that you would not be able to tell

if I was like actually CRAZY 

SOCIOPATHIC 

PSYCHOTIC

MULTIPLE personalities 

ya know any of it

I figured

I'm not gonna be able to be 

OBJECTIVE about THAT 

& he's like 

I feel like I would know

AND NO

currently in progress

I feel like this is not getting closer to being finished 

these are maybe not working like I thought but might still be useful 

I gotta go to sleep 

I'm nodding off 

BUT 

I LOVE you VERY much 

goodnight sweetheart 

👾🫚❤️

it still feels weird

going OUT 

BUT 

that place is literally 

SUCH

a comfortable warm

"the living room of Montrose"

spirit to it

I'm NOT entirely certain 

the comedians aren't 

MEMBERS 

there SEEMS to be a core group

& if two points are ENOUGH 

they rotate through 

HOSTING 

it did take me five or ten more minutes

there was something I wanted to tell you 

BUT 

I can't remember 

OH YEAH 

Sonny's friend 

dropped off a f*CKton of 5'x6' canvases today 

DONATION 

& SONNY told me to be sure and get one

SO I guess I'm supposed to 

GO BIG after all

Retail value of a canvas

that size

2.5" gallery wrap

about $500

15 minutes in

BUT I feel 

low energy 

so it may take LONGER 

we'll see 

❤️

YEAH okay

SO rather than 

I'm this control freak

I'm looking for 

an UPgrade

I like the positive angle

I'm thinking 

❤️

I gotta go to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

👾🫚💌

MAYBE 

things that need an upgrade

can just EATING a lot

of PROTEIN 

make you muscles

& skin

LOOK better 

I know protein repairs tissue 

BUILDS tissue

BUT I haven't been 

walking in the rain

I haven't been exercising 

I haven't been 

wearing the compression shirt either 

I couldn't get USED to it 

my arms look

KINDA plumped

in a defined way

it just reads more muscle-y

but it isn't bothering me 

I'm not losing weight 

BUT I think 

stuff's moving AROUND 

OR I'm having 

POSITIVE dysmorphia*

*is that a thing

SO

BUT THEN 

the larger family 

WANTED in on this action

SO thanksgiving 

my aunt joan starts the turkey

they bring me

EARLIER than normal 

SHE SHOWS me

everything 

in a couple years

she's just putting in the turkey 

starting the goblet simmering 

AND 

helping with the pies

& she's got me

PLANNING all the holiday meals

I don't think this part

is very funny 

BUT 

it could be and I wanted to get it down

while I'm thinking of it 

in this way

it is related to cooking

BUT not

RELATED to my

control issues or whatever 

THEN

my dad's trying to SHOW me

how to POACH an egg

I think he was 

TRYING 

to make this ALARM clock 

an UPgrade for 

HIM

as well

we ended up

with a daily special 

that STUCK

because it was

my favorite configuration 

of ingredients on hand

OMELETTE 

slightly crisp on the bottom 

PUFFY on the top

& TOAST

MORNING 2.0

SO

I have this 

NEED freak for CONTROL 

MAYBE 

maybe I'm just

WHATEVER 

when I was in third grade

I DECIDED 

my ALARM clock*

*called mom

NEEDED to be UPgraded

to LIKE 

an ACTUAL alarm clock

SO I ASKed for one

for my birthday 

& I got it

MOM'S like

YOU wanna MANAGE time

HERE you GO

AFTER you get yourself up 

WAKE your dad

don't wake me -- you totally got this

MAKE breakfast 

JUST for you & your dad

CATCH the bus

or WALK -- your call

AND

that SEEMED REALLY NORMAL*

*at the time

I WAS liking the genX comedy

for a minute there

BUT 

it has reached a tipping point 

OR a level of mainstreamity

NOW it just SOUNDS 

blah BLAH BETTER than you 

HOWEVER 

I have a tangential pile on

story that I like

the evil stepmother 

she was in charge of waking me up 

BUT I wasn't HAPPY with 

THAT, so

I ASKed my 

when I USED to TELL 

this story, back in the day

I said I asked my REAL MOM 

because there WAS that dichotomy 

I asked her to buy me

an ALARM clock 

for Christmas 

AND I got it

& ESM is all like

FINE!

then you can get yourself up

get your dad up

make you both breakfast 

get yourself 

to school 

the genX part

NO KEY

you forget it

not gonna have it

LOCKED OUT 

now this get HIM up

INCLUDED a

DO NOT WAKE me up 

which was fiddly 

HE the world's DEEPEST sleeper

SHE really just cat naps

HE SHOWED me how to poach eggs

BUT some sort of 

souffle OMELETTE -- frittata hybrid

was REALLY more my SPEED 

I THINK 

that was eight or nine

third grade

AND

I'm NOT saying 

KEEPING me alive 

wasn't a job

BUT 

he TOLD me 

one time

we would walk around the mall

go in all the stores 

you WANTED something 

I'd say

we can't afford it or whatever 

you'd say ok everything 

was fine

these boys

they throw a fit 

BUT 

then he did HAVE to TELL me 

HOW if you kill yourself 

you have to live

in the mental state

you were when you died

for all of eternity 

so BETTER stick around 

it could ALWAYS get BETTER 

seems to me

ROTHKO found

a loop hole

MAYBE -- but this is too obscure & probably too dark too

I guess the TRUTH is

I am not FORMATTED

for feedback

I was more or less TRAINED 

to be immune 

from criticism 

& I'm ONLY 

in competition with 

what I THINK 

I'm capable of 

I don't seem to handle it well

when others have

something to say 

I think this is funny 

BECAUSE 

someone is trying to do

what they probably 

consider to be

like required 

& I'm all like

WHERE is this COMING from 

I'm not SURE 

this is relatable 

enough 

I'm working on the routine 

which I won't be doing tomorrow 

I will be watching again 

BUT THEN 

the next one

I'm doing 

I can't let it go too long

OR

I'm probably just

full of sh*t

is it ALWAYS 

expression 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I gotta go to sleep 

I cherish you 

you do not understand 

just how rare and precious you are to me 

OR maybe you do

👾🫚

❤️

I want to write

a FUNNY 

version of the

SIMPLE description of 

DIFFICULT 

things

I'm not settled on topic(s)

BUT 

I THINK 

THAT is the way to go 

I guess I should clarify 

I'm NOT saying 

my father was never proud of me

MAYBE 

he was always proud of me

PROBABLY not 

BUT 

when I look in myself 

there is no LACK under pride

I GOT it

or

I didn't need it

or SOMETHING 

I was the FUNNY one 

BUT 

while Dad was trying to 

get jason to focus

or persevere 

me

he just had to keep me

ALIVE 

NO

I went BACK

& LOOKED AGAIN 

I didn't REMEMBER 

BUT he DID 

in CAPS

OK

THAT'S 

ME

SO did I just

FIXATE 

or trigger or something 

he used the name he called me 

when he was a kid

but

I'm still a little bit

afraid of him 

I think jason had a DIFFERENT 

view of dad

DAD wound jason up

it was CLEAR 

jason was an artist 

& Dad beat that drum

but there was a whole mystique 

that dad built for jason

that MAYBE jason is 

APPLYING to me

BUT 

dad saw my art

& I have no

recollection of either of us

THINKING about 

PRIDE or the absence of said

I feel LIKE jason

is trying to have a something 

and is coming at it from different angles

BUT we don't have 

& we're grown

and

they all KINDA hit me wrong 

& SOME of that

is me

and

he scares me

a little 

hmmmmmmm

the thing about me

jason commented on my picture

& it was nice of him

BUT 

I don't know HOW 

I SHOULD feel

he said dad would be 

PROUD of me

for my paintings

AND my FIRST thought was 

REALLY 

he was PROUD that I managed a coffee shop

because he could SEE himself 

in THAT 

BUT 

it just strikes me as ODD

but I MEAN I guess 

that's what people think you want

it was sort of

him not committing to actually 

saying HE liked it

which I then feel slightly 

guilty for THINKING 

BUT 

I bet I'm NOT wrong