Well so again I'm up all night and I just have no idea what to listen to next

I want something gum shoe but I wanted to be written by a woman and I want it to be weird I just don't have anything that fits that description and I listen to a sample of amnesia moon and I don't think that's don't really think that's what I want to listen to next

I have a lot of books in my library and I looked all through them and I just am like eh

I don't know

Just probably part of the reason why I have such a hard time cuz I just look at stuff and I'm like I don't want that

And I could listen to electric sheep again

But I think I want something different

So rather than doing what I've just done which is spend hours looking for the list think what I'm going to do is just kind of bring it up on my phone and make a reasonably quick decision without a lot of thought about what kind of comes up soon

Without my having to look through 15 pages of stuff

I have 15 pages of really good stuff I was looking through it going wow this is really good stuff some of it I remember putting in there and some of it I don't and some of it I've tried to listen to before and didn't get all the way through

I just I want a particular kind of thing and it doesn't have to be gumshoe but I'd rather it's gumshoe but then I also want it to be weird and something to do with dreams and

So we'll see I give myself

Starting now 10 minutes

I finished gun with occasional music

I believe that was his first novel

And certainly at the beginning it did have the feeling of a first novel

But that's perhaps not fair because those gum shoe novels they always kind of start off a little stilted until they can kind of get rolling so I don't know hard to say what was which

And even if a few hours in I was like I don't know I don't know if I'm going to finish this or not part of the reason why I have not been reading a lot is my attention span has gotten just wretched

I can remember when I was in college every time I was studying for midterms or finals so twice a year I had to have a book that I really really wanted to read that I would kind of let myself read to decompress from studying and have never been a fast reader but I used to read a lot

But for the last some many years I'll go long periods of time I mean I read articles

But I have a hard time getting into things so even if I'm listening to him I'm like no I don't know if I could do it

So like I'll go through a spell where I find an author that I find enjoyable to read and I'll read some books and if they're if they're you know a mystery or something that's fairly fast and low intensity I might read a whole string of them but I don't just love to read any random mystery you know or any random science fiction or any random anything I'm real particular and like the sookie stackhouse books those were not well written books but but I liked the characters and you know they were just kind of fun but I tried reading some of her other series's and the only other one I could read was midnight Texas she's got several other serieses but you know they're not great books so if they don't have something that particularly grabs me there's no reason to read them

And I'm not sure if I really consider that reading anyway I mean it is technically reading but it's more like watching TV

So to have read like five books in the span of two or three weeks is you know not something I've never done before obviously but it's something that I haven't done for a while

Now those were mostly pretty short books except for killing commenatore

But now I'm trying to figure out what to read next I mean I've got those two actual books to read from going to keep with the audiobooks as well

And I'm of several minds

I mean I could stick with the first novel idea and I could read wind and pinball by murakami which I've never read before

And then I could go back and read while sheep chase again which I really like and which is kind of a mystery kind of and then I could read dance dance which I've never read although I sort of think I've tried listening to it before and couldn't get very far so I could do that but I don't know unless enthusiastic about that travel path I wouldn't mind to read about cheap chase again but I don't know

Then another thing I'm thinking about is reading do Android's dream of electric sheep again because all that stuff about their personal mixtures of drug to adjust their mood and everything reminded me a lot of electric sheep and that sort of a science fiction so it's got some common ground with with gun with occasional music but I've read do Android stream of electric sheep like I don't know three times four times but it's been I don't know probably eight or 10 years since the last time I read it maybe not but possibly

And I love Philip k Dick so if I'm reading influences then that makes sense

and possibly I could go from that to hard boiled wonderland and the end of the world which I started but never finished

Or I could read amnesia moon by Jonathan Lethem which I think is his second novel and then there's she climbed across the table and girl in landscape which I think are the third and fourth but maybe they're the fourth and fifth or maybe I've got them switched in order order

I don't think I want to read that many Jonathan Lethem books in a row though

Because I'm trying to get a kind of a slurry going in my brain I want to put in too much of one thing

In addition to those I have also in my library the Pharaoh detective which is a mystery that I have not read I've started it but I kind of couldn't get into it and motherless Brooklyn which I read but it's been a while ago but I thought it was really well written I mean like if you just gave me gun with occasional music and motherless Brooklyn and they didn't have the author's name on them I'm not believe I would identify them as being the same writer

And that makes me think that rather than reading some of these earlier books I might rather look at some of his more recent books but I don't have those in my library so I'd have to get them which of course I can have two credits but I have all this stuff in my library that I've wanted to read and have been able to make myself read I mean I think amnesia moon and growing landscape I got in 2020 when I thought maybe I could get myself to read but I couldn't focus at all in 2020 I don't think I read anything in 2020 I think I read anything at all even though I wasn't really doing anything maybe I'm wrong maybe I'm misremembering but I don't think I did I started a bunch of stuff I don't think I finished any of it

Electric sheep is narrated by Scott brick he's pretty good so that's appealing

So I've just been sitting here for some extended period of time like I don't know possibly an hour not seeing anything but looking at my list so I think I should probably go ahead and publish this and then continue

I'm listening to gun with occasional music which I know at some point in the past I told you I was reading but I didn't read it all the way through last time in fact I think I just listened to a very little bit of it last time and although I really do love a good gumshoe I'm not 100% sure I'm going to make it through the rest of this

I really want more Japanese fiction

And I have a few more things to listen to but I'm not sure they're what I want to listen to

What I really want to listen to is a mystery

But with that Japanese sensibility

And there are some Japanese mysteries that I've found but they don't seem at all like that

Anyway I have a couple of short story collections coming tomorrow sometime

One is a collection that jay Rubin put together He's the guy that translated markamy's books really murakami thank you

And then the other one is that low desert gangster short stories

Because it occurs to me where it did occur to me that I used to be able to write short stories I used to think I was good at that and then somehow I decided that what I really needed to do was write a novel and I just found that to be very frustrating at every single turn

Those are like actual book books though not audiobooks

And I really need to get new glasses

But I just haven't done that yet

But I thought maybe

Reading some some short stories would be a good idea

And that shouldn't be long enough to cause me too much eye strain anyway

Assuming that reading little print is more detrimental than screen time

I need to be asleep

I assume I'm going to the studio tomorrow

Unless it wants to storm again

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Well there was no magical realism in that either

I feel like they build the Japanese stories as being magical realism because that's what people want and they think that'll sell the book

And there is an element

But if you don't really know what magical realism is then perhaps you think oh that's magical realism

I got to say

Nothing happens

Beautifully

Highly recommend

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Tell me to bed last night

And I didn't take any melatonin before I went to bed which I have been doing every night

So I went to sleep at like 10:00 I think it was 10:00 but maybe it was his latest 11:00 but I think it was 10:00 and then I woke up at 1:30 in the morning I guess because I had to pee and I could not go back to sleep

That's not true I did go back to sleep but I didn't go back to sleep until 7:30 in the morning

I've listened to the entire book of strange weather in Tokyo which I really really enjoyed except the ending I wasn't crazy about the ending but that is seeming to be a fairly common thing for me recently

And it wasn't that I don't think it was a good ending actually it just wasn't what I was hoping for

So then I went to sleep at 7:30 and then my alarm went off at 8:30 and I had a little bit of a headache so I think that was the point at which I took Tylenol but I'm not sure

And then I woke up at 9:30 because I had a leg cramp and at that point I felt like total s*** I don't know it's like you know how when you wake up suddenly and you've got that sense that you're late or whatever and you've got that acidity stomach and your head kind of hurts and just feel really bad

So then I texted my mom and told her I had done that thing again where I went to sleep and woke up and couldn't get back to sleep oh I forgot when I woke up at 1:30 and I couldn't go back to sleep after I decided that I was having trouble going back to sleep so it was 2:00 or 2:30 I went downstairs and fed the cat again cuz he usually eats in the middle of the night and he was sleeping in the window in the kitchen but it's so hot that I haven't been encouraging him to sleep on me

Because I have to put the big blanket on so that he doesn't stick his claws into me and it's just too hot for that but after I came down and fed him he guess he was feeling extra affectionate so he came up and got on me and I petted him and then he's like okay well it's hot see you later and he ran off again

But that didn't help me go to sleep either and at that point I took melatonin and perhaps that's why then later I felt s***** because once I went to sleep then my body didn't want to get up

I think the melatonin has actually been helping me to stay asleep even though I'm not having any trouble going to sleep I'm having trouble now staying asleep

I haven't had these kind of sleeping problems since I was a kid

And that was more about my brain being over the active

I had the stream that I had a bunch of different cars and they were in a multi-layer parking garage and I had a hard time finding them

Like it wasn't clear to me whether I had a bunch of cars because I had not been able to find my car and I got another one or why exactly I had a bunch of cars

But I had been thinking before I went to sleep that I should write about traveling across country bunches of times but that it would be better if it wasn't really based on my experience in several different ways One of which I thought it would be better if I had a car that was my car that I drove across the country rather than it always being a rental car

And I was trying to figure out what kind of car it was and I thought perhaps it was maybe not even one kind of car but maybe it was kind of a Frankenstein car made from different sort of car bits so that it looked very unusual but it was yellow and had a sigil painted on it on the hood based on the sigil I designed years ago for like a logo I thought I might use

I didn't finish  1q84

I don't know why sometimes I start books and I just don't want to read them

I was really interested in it

Just not really what I want to read right now I guess

I was a little disappointed that the strange weather in Tokyo didn't really seem to contain any magical realism at all though I feel as though I was promised a magical realism

But now I'm about to read

The Nakano thrift shop

Which is also by hiromi kawakami

And I'm kind of excited about reading it

Or listening to it really

I hope you're doing okay

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I don't really have anything to say today

I feel vaguely sick

I had hurts

I'm having cramping

But no blood

I stayed in bed until after 3:00

And to be honest with you I'm kind of sorry I got up

Because I just do not feel right

No I'm not saying I'm sick

I don't exactly feel sick

But I feel kind of sick

And even though I haven't been up for very long

And haven't really done anything

I'm exhausted

And I'm going back to bed

I'm pretty sure I drink coffee earlier

I guess I could be low on iron again or maybe I never really got unload on iron

I do know the iron sort of seemed like it messed up my digestion when I finished the box

I wished I switched to the stuff that absorbs under my tongue and then I kind of just stopped

My digestion never really has gone back

And probably what I need to do is move around more

I dreamed I was doing this complicated routine

It wasn't exactly cheerleading

But it was more like that I guess

I mean it wasn't gymnastics exactly

But I know I was very impressed with myself

And I was trying to show you my routine

And there was something to do with frogs

Like my routine didn't have anything to do with frogs maybe the teams had to do with frogs I don't know they were frogs

And I was sure that the team was going to win because I was able to do all these physical things that I didn't think I could do and that seemed to be a sign but then it turned out

But if you see a certain kind of frog that means you're going to lose

And I had seen that frog but I didn't know it was a bad frog that I wasn't supposed to see

It was kind of large-ish

Like the size of a large grapefruit and it was kind of round like that like a Pac-Man frog but not as big as a Pac-Man frog at least I think the Pac-Man frogs are big anyway I don't know what I'm talking about I'm not an expert on frogs

But it was yellow and black

And when I was practicing it was peeking out from these shelves that I have that are I think they're from the '40s it's a narrow little set of shelves I used to have it by my bed at the last place

It's so hot here

I had to sleep practically naked

even with the a/c

I'm going to bed now

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Today

Today she didn't go to the window

She sat, eating her instant oatmeal with raisins in new exotic cinnamon flavor and listen to the wind howl

She expanded jaw a certain sort of way and her ears popped

Everything it sounded kind of muffled like she was under water until she heard the wind and somehow it's howling just cut through the congestion

Like what

Like a sythe

No

Like a machete

No

No like a jeweler's saw we go up and down and up and down and you're closer and closer to the end of your line and then the blade jumps and breaks because you got a little bit too excited change the angle of your saw headed for the finish line and then you realize that your finger wasn't quite as far away from the blade as you thought it was and you got a cut full of metal shavings

No it really wasn't like that at all

But she didn't have any experience with sythes or machetes

I slept in today

Had this whole list of things I was going to do

But then I just decided I didn't want to do any of it

And when I finally got up

I had this sense

Like nothing was too bad

But I had all these little things

And I just had this sense that any one of them could blow at any minute

I thought that was awfully overly dramatic

And then

I had this idea

I was going to start writing it

She went to the window and looked out

Today what she saw looked like the surface of the moon

Blah blah

And this idea

About being completely enclosed in nacre

And the inability to move that would cause

But the beautiful glistening

But then I didn't write any of that

I watched videos

About book recommendations for Japanese literature

And here are the 60 books I read in my English major program

And my 50 favorite books

And I don't know what all else

Also I'm not sure how

But I've gotten pulled into watching some show

It's kind of dumb

And it's kind of a soap opera

But I don't seem to be able to look away

It's called Virgin River

And it said in some little town

Close to eureka

And eureka had crossed my consciousness at some point and I was like I know something about eureka what do I know about eureka well it's Northern California and it's close to the Oregon border

But the temperature is awesome

It's like maritime temperature

And there's a very small margin between what the average temperature is in the hottest month and the cold this month like the average temperature in the summer is 68 maybe and the average temperature in the winter is 58 or something like that The hottest temperature recorded is 87 degrees and the coldest temperature recorded is 20°, and I was like oh my god it's sweater weather all year although you know you'd wear a coat if it was 20

Course I guess you probably have to worry about forest fires and state income tax and all sorts of other California things

I think when I started watching it I thought it was going to be more like northern exposure

But it's not much like that

The characters that are the predominant love interest are both having like dueling flashbacks because they have all this personal trauma

But they're really making the flashbacks

Draw out the information more than is necessary because they're trying to build the tension but it's just not that dramatic of a story

And so I keep going

Really?!

And pretty much

When I'm guessing what's going to happen

I'm guessing right

Which is usually what happens with TV shows

But there was something that I watched recently that I was like oh man I didn't see that coming at all

So I knew it was really well written but I can't remember what that was

Anyway I'm not really recommending it

But the sweeping shots of landscape with mountains and river are really nice

And there are log cabins and lodges and

The doctor's house is amazing

So I think I must be watching it more for the visuals

Some of the people who are talking about Japanese literature

When they get to murakami

They don't like the magic realism

And then I'm like okay well now I don't really want to know anything else you have to say

Because if what you like is his more realist stuff that isn't full of magic realism

Then I don't want your recommendations

Because what I want

Is like magical realism

Surrealism

Metaphor

I don't need

Somebody talking about their real life in realistic terms that's just not that interesting

The thing is is that for me

there are a lot of things that I'm just talking about my life the way it is and they seem like magic realism but they're not

Like all that stuff with Mr sluggo in the night kitchen

That was not magic realism

I think that my view of the world

The way I see things

Is weird

Anyway I needed to go to sleep a while ago

Because I'm getting up earlier

My mother has a doctor's appointment before she goes to the studio so I'm driving myself so I thought I would use the opportunity to go in earlier

Because she's had all this stuff for me to do and I haven't really gotten to paint

But at this point I don't think I'm going to be able to get up at 6:30

I really thought I was starting my period

I had blood tinge

I had cramps

But it hasn't started so probably it's not going to

The sleeping

The being awake

The relationship with my body

I just haven't got a handle on any of the stuff yet

But I've got an area where I can set up my easel if I want to paint with acrylics or oils again although oil isn't really practical in an apartment

And I'm pretty close to having my well

Not super close I've still got to find homes for things that are on the table but I'm pretty close to having the table where I can do larger watercolors

So

Then the fact that she doesn't really want me to paint or maybe she wants me to paint but she just wants me to do all these other things but I don't know

It's weird

She's weird

I'm weird

I'm going to go to sleep now though

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I watched it again

I meant to go to bed three hours ago

but

I added to the playlist

and

Rolf-lap is demanding attention again

he has awoken from his nap

must feed

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I'm tired

I'm going to bed

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I'm going to bed

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

 it's all good man

Sloe Eye Tibideau Deux (guitar)

Tweeker Montrose (piano)

Bam Bam Rochas (drums)

Dagmar DANG! Vang-Vagle (trumpet)

Dembele Allez Rebondir (bass)

and

the Venus of the Highway

(Le coup de) Foudre Tonnerre (vocals)

I stayed up too late

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Some kind of front is coming through again

I didn't try to get up early

But then when I woke up I had a headache

So I just stayed in bed

I had a lot of interesting dreams

I know this because when I woke up I was like wow those were really interesting dreams

But then I couldn't remember what they were

I couldn't really tell you what I did today

Well that's not true

I did a little bit of stuff

Prep work for a project my mother wants me to do tomorrow

I surfed around the internet

But mostly what I seemed to be doing was looking at paintings on eBay

I didn't really know there were a lot of paintings on eBay

I mean I guess there's a lot of everything on eBay but I had never really given it much thought

Some of them I really like

And some of them I don't

I wasn't really initially looking for paintings

I was originally looking for a 1970s frame in a particular size

I did find one that I like

Afraid my mean

But it has a painting in it

And I'm not that excited about the painting

And the frame has some damage

And I guess the whole thing with the frame in the painting is a pretty good price

And I guess considering the fact that there's a finite number of 1970s frames still floating around and it's a pretty decent size 24 in by 30 in is not a small frame

So I guess it's not a terrible price even for the frame

Except that it does have some damage and since they were taking pictures mostly to show the painting there aren't close-ups of the damage on the frame

But I thought you know

Maybe I should hit a couple of resale shops first

And I watched

Some episodes of better call Saul

I had watched through season 3 but there's a season 4 that I hadn't watched

Course it's been so long since I watched season 3 that it's not fresh in my mind anymore

And it's kind of tied in with the timeline

Well no it is tied in with the timeline but you don't necessarily need to remember the timeline of breaking bad for it to make sense

It's a stand-alone show but

It's been a really long time since I watched breaking bad

But I think better call Saul was a better show

I mean this is season 4

And they're telling this back story

And not a completely chronological way

And still

I'm not 100% sure

Although I think I see the pieces lining up

How he went from being Jimmy

To be install Goodman

To being Saul Goodman

Geez

And I really love Mike

I mean in breaking bad Pinkman was my favorite character

But Mike was my second favorite character and Saul was my third favorite character

And I'm not sure Walter White was even on the list of characters I liked I really didn't like him at all although I'm not entirely certain that I was supposed to like him

But better call Saul is telling several stories

I mean it's still in the backstory of him and his girlfriend

And I guess we're pretty much done with the backstory of him and his brother

And how he went from being slipping Jimmy to becoming a legitimate lawyer

And how that didn't quite work out for him

But we still haven't quite gotten to the point where you know it meets up

But I think I can see it now

Kind of coming around the turn

Mike I don't know if when he took the bar exam again if he changed his name first because he couldn't get back in with his current identity or whether he decided what he was going to do was be kind of like the vet who works with the underworld and so he needed kind of a code name

And I mean it's Saul Goodman

So I don't know I didn't really get a lot of work done today I just kind of floated

I did a little bit of this

I did a little bit of that

I didn't listen to any book tape

I think when I read killing commandatory and I it goes through my visual system I think it'll absorb into my brain differently than when I'm just listening to it

But I'm a little confused on how it's an homage to the Great Gatsby

I mean it has been a really long time since I read The Great Gatsby and I'll grant you I only remember little bits and pieces of it

So maybe that's why I don't see it

But I totally don't see it

But I really really loved the book except for the ending The ending threw me for kind of a loop

But I think maybe it is supposed to be a loop because The prologue happens after the action of the book

Plus I think I was kind of mad because my favorite character of the book was the house I mean I was picturing the house I've got it like all laid out in my head and I really love it and the view and everything I mean the house maybe wasn't supposed to be a character but for me it was a character and then he burned it down and while sometimes I don't mind if a character I love gets killed I kind of took on bridge I'm bridge um bridge umbrage I give up

UMBRIDGE

This thing sometimes makes what I'm saying into something completely different and sometimes it makes it completely incomprehensible and sometimes it makes it mean something different than what I'm trying to say so I try to watch it but it makes me feel as though perhaps I don't speak very clearly or have a weird accent or something

Which is funny because my whole life I've had people tell me oh you're from the Northeast right it's like no

And I don't think I sound northeastern at all so I assume that I just sounded a little nasally and perhaps enunciated words more than I was supposed to or pronounce them differently or used bigger words I really couldn't tell you

I mean I say y'all and fixing to like everybody else

Maybe I always talked a little faster than I should have

Anyway I'm going to bed

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

ok

1Q84

I'm about 4 1/2 hours in

and

I'm in

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

 i actually didn't end up going to bed until like 4:30

and i didn't wake up til after noon

but then i kept trying to do that

law of attraction clear your mind thing

to get messages from my inner being

or whatever

and i kept falling back asleep

so

i'm notreally sure how long i've actually been up

i've heard about 2 1/2 hours

and i'm not engrossed yet

but

it's not turning me off 

but

i keep thinking

i might rather listen to windup bird

but

this is supposed to be a super important murakami

and then i keep thinking

i'd rather listen to killing commenatore again

so

i don't thinki'm out of the woods

Okay I finished that one

I liked it but

Truthfully the only part I really really liked was when he went to Finland

Although it was kind of cool when he was visiting with his other friends

But I don't know if I really I don't know if I really buy into it on a emotional level You know he's got this girlfriend but

I don't know

For me I'm not sure I really ever believe in the girlfriend

It seems like his view of women or his understanding of women is more metaphor it's more symbol they never seem like real people

I think the reason why I liked his trip to Finland so much was that that was a real woman

That was a realistic interaction

I could believe in that character I could see her world

But the girlfriend in the story she doesn't seem like a real person she seems like a catalyst for action

And they're certainly a lot of groundwork laid for the idea that he might be gay

And he thinks about that

But it's almost like that book is about his dealing with his friends from pre-college

But the relationship with his college friend and his you know attraction to him and whatever

And his disappearance

And well I guess I liked the story about the jazz pianist and some of the stories about the train station so I mean I liked it I'm not saying I didn't like it I'm saying

I guess what I'm really saying is there are parts of the book that I really really liked but then I'm not sure at all held together for me

Or that's maybe not even quite it either because I don't really begrudge him having the girlfriend be a symbol or a metaphor or catalyst or whatever but it just it seemed like you know he had had this close relationship and then it broke up and so then he spent like the next few years well not few years the next year basically being super depressed and want to die and then he met that guy 

And the guy disappeared and that just like cemented for him that everybody was going to run off and leave him or kick him out or reject him and so he didn't tell the girlfriend about that guy so now you know he's gone and done his homework and he's all you know fixed and emotionally available and whatnot

But it seems like that he isn't and that it's all just kind of a divorce waiting to happen

So I guess I don't like the fact that it attempted to be something other than kind of a surrealistic novel and I'm going to read killing commandatory like old school read I ordered the book

But I'm going to try listening to 1q84 again

When it came out or when I first saw it on audiobook I'm not sure those are the same

I got it but I was very excited

And I started trying to listen to it

And I got about 45 minutes or an hour in and I was like yeah I think I want to listen to something else

But maybe when I'm working around the house all day maybe that'll be more conducive and since I've just listened to two haruki murakami maybe I'll be able to do it it's really really long I think it's like 45 hours or something though hang on

46 hours and 46 minutes

But I don't know

I was looking at my library and I have some Jeremy Latham I haven't listened to so if I can't handle the 1q84

Then I might have to switch over

I have some other murakami

That I haven't listened to

Anyway I think I'm going to go to bed now

Good night sweetheart I love you very much 💋

 i'm listening to colorless tsukuru tazaki

i'm more than half way through

and

i want to know

what's with the raping women in dreams

and other realities

I'm having trouble finding the right spot for this guy, who is currently one of my favorites

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Yesterday I went around and tried to find homes for the African masks

And by and large I'm not certain that I'm happy with how I arrange them

This one I took it all over and this is the place that I liked at the best but I'm not sure that I subsequently like this area the best I feel like maybe it takes over

So I did the aftershot and then I put the before shot underneath it so I could compare them on the computer because in my phone they aren't right next to each other

Also I thought you might be interested

 i'm listening to the last few minutes

of the book tape

idk

i'm not sure about that ending

i'm not sure

i was very connected to the mountain house

to the exploration of his own art

so he just quits that and goes back to yuzu

and the house burns down

but

now he has faith and grace

from/in the concepts and metaphors

idk

i might need to listen to the last few hours again

i'm not sure i like the ending

i feel kind of let down

i feel like he kind of wove his story out

and then kind of unraveled it all

goodnight sweetheart

i love you very much

 happy X day

i love you very much sweetheart

sleep well

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

So here's a couple of pictures from the year that it snowed on my birthday I think it was my 6th birthday

Yeah the pictures say 73

And here are a couple of other pictures that I just really liked that one of me on the swing that wasn't that wasn't at the park

I think that must have been at one of Deborah's family places cuz over to the right that looks like a trailer and then there's a whole bunch of like empty lot so I think that must have been at her parents' place but I'm not positive

The swing picture says 74 and the picture of my dad says 71

I had another cold flash last night

I turned the AC up to 76 and I got under a wool blanket and I could not get warm

It didn't last too long though maybe 10 minutes 15 minutes

I found this

This is from my mother's third wedding

Can't remember exactly how that was six or seven I think

And that's Gigi on the right

Oh also I must have gotten the Victoria Woodhull thing earlier because I learned about Victoria Woodhull in American history

Which I had in ninth grade

So either I didn't know the picture was Victoria Woodhull which is possible but I'm pretty sure it says it

Or I must have gotten it prior to 1981

Well I'm through chapter 36 and just starting chapter 37 there's 12 hours and 19 minutes left

So I'm officially more than halfway through

I really like it

But I wish there weren't sex scenes

And that he wasn't talking so much about breasts

Because it's a little bit disconcerting

I mean it's like he really doesn't understand women at all

And his sex scenes are very unsexy

I mean in some of the earlier books where he was talking about women's ears and stuff that was cool

But I wish we were at that level

Maybe it'll all turn out to be good somehow

But it's just a little cringy

A lot of people who did reviews of this book really didn't like the 13-year-old girl

And we're very put off by the whole conversation about breasts and breast development

But I'm not entirely certain that that's an unrealistic conversation at all

But I'm just really curious at this point where the commendatore went

And my expectation is that he's probably gone over to The girl whose name I forgot how to spell the 13-year-old

Because she heard the bell

And I think that's got to mean something

And I would not have gone down into the well in the middle of the night I don't know what the f*** he was thinking

I mean that just seems like an opportunity for some big strong person to come and be like haha and take the ladder

Anyway

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I added some things

I added the heart shaped rock

I added Victoria Woodhull print

I got at the flea market when I was maybe seventeen when I was there shopping antiques with my aunt joan

Before I had any idea who v.w. was

I added

a small watercolor that I love

that was on my bedside at my last place

I got it in Galveston on the same day I got the dog fight one

it's not even matted

It's called fantasy salad

it makes me happy

and it's got yellow

I didn't listen as much today

To the book tape I mean

I'm just starting chapter 30 now

But yeah I think maybe I like this one better than windup bird I don't know though I really like windup bird

But this one is about painting

So I can relate to it more

Anyway

I'm almost out of battery

And I meant to go to sleep a couple hours ago

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Goodnight

Well since I stayed up later I slept later

I think I've been kind of lying in the bed looking at my phone and stuff for at least 30 minutes and maybe closer to an hour I'm really not sure

I had some weird dreams though

There's one that I can only remember snippets of it seemed important though

I was younger

And I was hanging out with two girls that I've been friends with for a long time

I went to school with them but it's not clear to me whether it was high school or college

That part of the reason why I'm not clear is because I'm not sure how old I was

But

I think it was one of the girl's birthdays

I think we were having kind of a weekend retreat slumber party type thing

But I think it was at the house at the girl whose birthday it was

But I think we've been separated for a while so maybe we'd all gone off to college and we hadn't seen each other or I don't know I really don't know what the deal was but feel like there had been some damage to the relationship and we were mending it

And I was some kind of weird dietary something I don't know if I was vegan or if I was some other kind of thing but I had brought to casserole dishes of things I could eat

So that my freakiness wouldn't have to cause anybody any inconvenience

And as we were talking about menu and stuff

The girl whose birthday it wasn't

Kept saying

Well that stuff she brought would be great on pizza

And saying we should get a pizza crust with cheese and just put that stuff on it

But the girl whose birthday it was

Was like I don't think she can have pizza crust and cheese

And I don't know whether I could have pizza crust and cheese or not but I really wanted a pizza

And I said something

And birthday girl just looked at me like I had completely lost it

I wish I could remember what I said

It was just using silly words instead of actual words it wasn't like any kind of conceptual thing

And I turned to the non-birthday girl and I'm like she just thinks my IQ has dropped cuz I use cutesy words

And I think there was more but I don't remember

And then

There was one where I was at the place I had just been working before the whole pandemic

And I was leaving that day

And I was collecting up some kind of paperwork into a clear plastic sheet protector type thing but like a thick one more like a job order protector sheet

Andthen when I looked in it there was this one page it was supposedly from some famous person and the page had been like not embroidered but it was like some kind of thing where you sowed it I mean it must have been done with some kind of special machine but the design was like sewn into the paper so it kind of looked embroidered but it was done with a and it might have been done with embroidery thread probably was but it was stitched with some sort of machine and I wish I could remember who it said

And I think it was really supposed to be some kind of going away card for me but didn't mention me at all

So I told the guy who did it he was very talented I took it out of the paperwork file and I went to the office and when I open the office door the roof was I don't know if it was leaking or if a pipe at first or what was going on it seemed to be much more like rain than just a leak you know wasn't drip drip drip but then again it was a pouring out like a purse pipe it was kind of a heavy rain

And I was like oh

And Dennis took the file folder thing for me and was like you don't need this

And I'm like no I was going to put it in the office but now I don't think that's the right place for it

And he's like I got it it's like 5 minutes after 5:00 you need to clock out

So I went over the time clock but had to kind of stand in the water the rain to get to the time clock and then when I tried to swipe my card it was giving a negative read so I tried it like three times and then I was like I guess I'm going to have to manually code this in so I did that

And then I left

And I had been worried about what they were going to do without me but nobody seemed to be too worried

And I don't know exactly what I felt about the fact that they really didn't need me at all

For sure I felt I don't know like perceptually shifted like that was a different person somehow and there was like a little bit of sadness there that they didn't need me but there was also like a big weight lifted off of me that I didn't have to be I don't know responsible maybe

Like nobody would ever do anything always leaving me to do everything not in all areas but in some areas and you know if I needed help or some understanding of a problem that I was having they're just that wasn't available to me and so now I was free of it

But there's a part of me that always kind of likes to feel indispensable

And will allow myself to be taking advantage of because I want to feel indispensable

And this was making it clear

Then nobody really ever thinks I'm indispensable anyway

I don't know it didn't seem like it was a very long section of dream but it had just a very deep emotional content

I think the stuff with the girls had a deep emotional content too I just can't remember what it was exactly

Probably something about long connections with people

And maybe the work that it takes to maintain those ties I don't know

My phone says chapter 24

But the narrator just said chapter 23

So I guess the digital files must have some sort of chapter for the introduction title stuff like that so when I said chapter 20 before it probably wasn't 20 it was probably 19 I don't know

The book is 27 hours

 27 and a half hours I think

And I thought it was 18 hours before but maybe it was 19 hours before I don't know at any rate it says it's 18 hours now left at the book

So I'm still a third of the way through

I really like it

It's weird but I have this house that he's living in almost completely visualized in my head

Well I didn't go to bed early tonight

I've been listening to the book

I'm on chapter 20 in about a third of the way through at least as far as I could tell

I was trying to find other self-help law of attraction type stuff because the Abraham Hicks isn't really doing it for me anymore

And Mary Kate I don't know

She's a little too blonde and a little too perky and I don't know she didn't really do it for me either

So I was thinking about cholla

Back in the '70s she was involved with or took classes from or something

Silver mind control method

And she was pretty into it

I mean every time she would say anything that was kind of like negative self-talk or whatever she was like cancel cancel

Which is I guess a technique they used I don't know

So I look to see if they still had it you know cuz that was a while ago and there were some videos

So I'm checking those out

I'm a little disconcerted

About certain things

Felt like maybe you thought I was bitching too much

And anyway all that dream interpretation seemed a little bit interpreted and personal

Tell with the combination of those two things I just felt better taking it down

I was legit going to make a vision board but

And when I went to work on it I didn't really feel like trying to put you know I don't know what are you supposed to put on vision boards houses and cars and money and stuff like that I feel like

Like what I really wanted to manifest was less about physical objects and more about ideas and feelings and whatnot The yellow pages they need a lot more I think but the other two pages might be mostly done

But yeah if you want to mock me just don't I don't respond well to it and I'm not in a place where I feel open to that

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I dreamed I was going to college

And I was living in the small prefab house

With Kate and her daughter Stephanie

We called Stephanie the fairy queen

She was autistic

And Kate would craft these very elaborate fairy stories that would help her deal with the world

And I would mostly buff it people away from her

Because

If Stephanie's little bubble was punctured

She would stand and scream

Like somebody from invasion of body snatchers

And Kate and I had a running joke

Or maybe not joke

I would leave her broccoli florets

In the refrigerator or in vases of water

And that was like I was leaving her these elaborate floral bouquets

And then I dreamed

I was interviewing this woman

She had been from a rich family she had a lot of things

But she hadn't particularly liked that

And she'd gone to live her life differently

She had the small converted barn

With a dirt floor

And very little furniture

And nothing in the way of decoration

And she had a child

By herself

But at some point the child had died

So now

There was a spider that lived in the barn

But she couldn't bring herself to kill it

But she was afraid of it

And it will over elaborate pictures

That she would stare at for hours

And she admitted

With a small amount of what seemed like maybe shame

That she had gotten herself a small teddy bear

Just because she needed something to hug

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

This is Corderoy and Taco

I didn't find them

I knew where they were

and

they were sort of out all along

Corderoy is a year older than me

someone gave him to my aunt Edith

and she gave him to me

I named him after the bear in the book

later

not when I was born, obvi

I named Taco

but

I can't remember the story behind that

I've had him almost as long

he lost his eye somehow tragically

and I was like a hysterical three year old until he was medically treated

it's possible he wasn't new when I got him either

I don't think baby toy eyes are supposed to fall off

I don't pay attention to them

and I feel a little bad about that

but

they are my oldest confidantes

I'm surprised that Corderoy's eyes didn't fall out

they are rimmed with red

and I was always putting drops in them

I've started calling my cat

Rolf-lap

And he's just looking at me like I'm crazy

Like he understands that I'm calling him that

But he can't understand why

Because those are clearly nonsense words

It doesn't sound like a term endearment

Or even English

He thinks I've lost my mind

I haven't been able to get back to sleep

I woke up before to pee

But I didn't record my dreams

So now I woke up and I'm super sweaty and not quite night sweat level sweaty but I mean it's something like that

And my brain said it wasn't free to move on to other dreams until I recorded the other one

So there was this girl that I guess was me in the dream but it didn't really seem like me but I had more of her point of view than the other characters

And they were having like a full-on revolution

And I don't really understand exactly what they were doing

But she had this giant stack of paper

And they would go they were just all walking along and when they would come to a bank or a corporate institution they would just wad up a piece of paper and like shove it into the night drop or something that got it into the building and it caught on fire

I don't really understand how it caught on fire but so they were basically just marching along burning the institutions that they thought were detrimental to the country

And at some point I don't know whether the guy who is leading got detained or whether she just got separated from them or what happened

But she just took off on her own

And she kind of went to ground

And then I went to the future like maybe four or five years in the future

And she was living on this little farm out in the middle of nowhere

Only it wasn't really in the middle of nowhere

It was sort of strategically located

In the middle of nowhere but only a few hours from a whole bunch of different targets on the East Coast

And she was continuing the revolution

But instead of just following and just burning any corporate target

She had developed some sort of strategy

And she was actively making the world better actually

I don't really know how

She was just a lot smarter than that mob of people she had been with

And it ended with her playing with a bunch of little baby chickens out in the fresh air

And smelling just this little curling wift of smoke from whatever strike she had made the previous day

And some kind of like counter turning over with information about how things had improved for this group and that group and the other group

Like it was a movie or documentary or something

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Okay

Now I was living with my father and my stepmother

And every time I went out to go to school or something and I came home my s*** was all gone through and stereo was dragged off into other rooms for Deborah and her little friends to play with

My little friends were just like a bunch of kind of bad kid teenagers or something I don't know

So I asked her you know what's the deal with my stuff

And she's like well you know

So then I saw my dad and I'm like hey I might just not allowed to have any stuff

Because if I'm not allowed to have any stuff I'll take them back someplace else

And he goes and talks to Deborah

And he comes back and he says

It's not that big of a deal

And I'm like so no I'm not allowed to have stuff

And he's like just don't worry about it

So I go in the kitchen and there's all this cake that's cut into slices and in bowls

But just kind of randomly like I don't know why it's there is that supposed to be our dinner I don't know

So I take some cake

Oh really some icing and I rub it on all the surfaces in the kitchen

And then I grab my purse

My father comes out and says pretty going

And I'm like there are no rules Don't ask me where I'm going I'm going to get something to eat Don't ask me where Don't ask me when I'll be back Don't ask me if I'll be back

And I take off

And then I'm writing about this

And people are commenting

And there's just one comment that I really want to read but I accidentally delete that

And I look at a video attachment

And it's this little girl who's like Wednesday Adams but if she was in witches somehow she's shaped like a cone and she's more animated and sassy

And somebody says oh that steel magnolias or something

And then there's another video that has these three they're fat but they're also very very tall and they have like this cascading Farrah fawcett hair except curly and they're pink

And there's somehow reminding me of some some kind of sacred Indian elephant cartoon but it's not a cartoon and one of them gets really really angry and there's like a mystery van and they try to blow up over her and she blows it all up

And then there's this other place that's like a small town kind of place and the mayor is like always there at everything and there's always some kind of a competition and he always carries it's a raven and something

They're having a gummy worms competition and he has a raven and whatever the other thing is that are built out of gummy worms and he always comes around and judges everything everything is always some kind of competition and he hates me at least I think it's me

It's a guy though and I don't think I was a guy when I was reading the comment

And have for sure wasn't a guy in the dream with my father and Deborah

But this guy has done something really great I don't know what maybe he wrote a book maybe he created an alternate world I don't know exactly

But this world with the little country store is kind of a magic world

There's like a Beetlejuice element to it

And a Stephen King element to it

Kind of like a cider house rules element to it

And there's this guy I mentioned him before I think he's working at the store and he is just praising me every chance he gets

And the mayor is angry about it

When the mayor is trying to trick me somehow

To get me in the middle of a competition maybe

And then the guy who works at the shop he gets asked to become a promotional decoration for this candle company maybe like Yankee candles or something only that world's version of it

And he is so happy

And he starts growing and changing shape and becoming this big display

And the mayor like I don't know throw something out of him and breaks his head or something

And then there's this baseball player

And he's like a spokesperson for her gasoline or something

And he's kind of old and he's not playing baseball anymore but I'm not sure that he ever officially retired I think he's kind of floating himself somehow

I don't know I don't really know what that means

It made sense in the dream

He's got kind of a strange name his name is like Barton Bradley

Or Barton Bonds

Or some kind of double b name

And I absolutely recognize him

He's wearing like a blue suit

It doesn't really look like a baseball suit

Somehow it's more like a courier outfit

And he's on a motorcycle

I kind of gives me a look

And maybe one of those finger gun things

And then he takes off out of there

I don't really know what any of that means

I felt dizzy and exhausted so I went back to sleep and I dreamed I'll see if I can get this straight I might have been in my grandmother's house or it might have just been something similar to my grandmother's house but I was like a teenager maybe or maybe not I don't know

And it was me.

And several other kids

And it was kind of like monster high or something

They were like gothier which year vampy or whatever

We were supposed to end up together in some sort of combinations that didn't seem to be the ones that we were actually attracted to each other in

And most cleaning decorating the house

And I thought I was in love with this girl who had something to do with cookies I don't know what but she was witchy and she had her own line of cookies or something I don't know

And then there was this other girl who might have been you how to kind of a deep voice and she was kind of a vamp

Then we were setting up the stereo

And I think they were deciding that maybe cookie girl and I were good together after all

Then I realized I was in love with you from setting up the stereo somehow

And there was this game that were all these magazines from 1983

And we were using them as filler for these large containers that were going to have large plants

But as we put them into the containers

We were putting them in in some way that made a pattern

And either some of the people who were in the magazines were there too

And giving little academy award-style speeches for being chosen

Or what seems more likely we were acting that out

And they were brightly colored drugs on the floor

I was laying on this red rug that I'm on top of it a red rug with orange and then a red rug with kind of a teal color

But then underneath all of it there was something about yellow and two years ago

I was on a space station

And for some reason my dog was undercover

As belonging to the one of the people on a space station

So I guess I was undercover too

I don't really understand who the people were I was with

But my dog kept being in danger of being left behind

And finally I said to break cover and call him

And his name was Rolf-lap

It was very strange

But I ended up at some party

For some gay peg legged style icon

Who collected plates of sculptural food

Like inedible sculptural food

It's all very weird

Well my head woke up

Okay let's try that again

My head hurt again when I woke up

And despite all the allergy medicine

I seem to have a fair amount of drainage

But as I get up and move around a little bit my headaches getting a little better so maybe there's hope

I saw a thing on Twitter yesterday I think it was but I've been thinking about it so I'm going to tell you about it

It said who is your Star Trek crush and that immediately got my mind whirling

But then it said you can only pick one

I thought how can you only pick one

I mean even my shortlist isn't all that short

But then

From the back of my mind

Came okay Michael Burnham

And I'm like really?!

I think I've seen the first two seasons of that show I think there's a whole another season I haven't seen

But I don't Even really like that show

I mean I like that they've got a character named Paul stamets who is quite a cool character

But the Klingons

In the original series they look like Russians

And then in the next generation they had the head ridges and whatever they look all freaky

And that's already an unexplained issue

But then in this reboot series they look like worms or something I don't know they're freakier and there's just no reason for it

And that just doesn't sit well with me in there plenty of other things about the series that just you know made me say okay hold the phone

And I don't even really remember it all that clearly at this point it's been a really long time since I've seen any episodes of it

I'm like what about Spock

What about seven of nine

What about T'pol

But my brain said no no Michael Burnham

So I had to go back and look to see why

And then when I remembered all that stuff with the telepathic link with Sarrik

And how she got robbed because she was better at being a vulcan than the Vulcans were

And unlike a lot of women in Star Trek she's not overly sexualized

She's not masculinized either

I guess I'm going to have to watch the episodes or seasons that I haven't watched yet

She's very serious though

I mean Spock he had that eyebrow thing that he did that was very I don't know it was funny

I don't think Michael Burnham is funny at all

But she is pretty badass

I will say though I've never really liked John Luc Picard very much

I did really like him in his series

And I was very happy that seven of nine continued

And she's great

She was better older actually

That was a really great series Picard

Anyway I'm going to go to sleep now I think

Or at least I'm going to try

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

And my dream apparently I was listening to a baseball game on the radio

And there was some sort of a very dramatic play

And runs were scored

And the game was one

And the announcer said

That was very well coached

I was exhausted so I went to sleep

When I woke up about 3 or 4 hours later

I have been able to get back to sleep

No my head hurts

And I have that feeling that you get when you haven't gotten enough sleep when you get up and your head hurts and your stomach's kind of acidy

But I've been awake since 12:30 or 1:00

And I took melatonin

Thinking that would help me go back to sleep but it hasn't

I don't think sleep is

Normalized yet somehow

I felt like it was for a little while there I was going to sleep about 1:30 and getting up about 10:00 10:30 and that seemed to be working pretty good for me

I don't know why now I need 9 hours of sleep

But that does seem to be what I currently need

Anyway I'm going to go lay back down and try again

But I'm getting kind of disgruntly

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I worked on my house again today

the iron supplements start working pretty fast

because they are for iron deficient women

400% or something

a normal dose

but

it still kinda kicked my ass

I'm going to bed now

💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Okay a couple of things are going on

You know I said I felt sick yesterday and I didn't know what was up with that

Well I'm definitely having hormonal stuff

But also I'm low on iron

When I'm low on iron I get this pain in my hips like inside and the sockets

I don't know why

So I've got that pretty bad

Also super fatigued like standing up

Is a chore

And I've got a little dizziness but that could be the hormones or it could be the allergy medicine making me a little spacy

I don't like to take allergy medicine because it affects me

But sometimes the allergy gets so bad that I just have to

But then I've also got this pain in my shoulders

Which is similar to the pain I have in my hips and I don't know what that's about

And my sternum

So I don't know maybe that's some kind of anxiety thing or maybe it's related to one of the other things but it's just like I have this whole kind of heavy painful armored thing across my chest and shoulders

So whatever

Not a fan

I took a Tylenol and went back to sleep for an hour and I still do not feel well

But I had this whole dream

It was like

I work to the shop

Where had to wear an apron

And the phone was ringing

And I would go to try to answer the phone

And it was still ringing

And that was my alarm

Then finally I went to the office

And told the guy there

Who I didn't realize it in the dream

Look like the young district manager that I had a problem with at the previous job

But in this one he was more like the zoomer kid that I didn't have a problem with in personality

And they had been maybe going to let me go

But the zoomers weren't going to let me go

And he gave me this blue Kool-Aid that had like

And I had this candy and I'm trying to remember

Warheads was it called warheads

It was really sour but also sweet

But I don't think that was in the shape of snakes and this was like in the shape of snakes

And I got this apron

And it was like a little pinafore

And it had British stuff on it it was really cute

And you were there but you were like a kid too

Well when I say kid I mean like late teens early twenties

Not like a crawling baby

But when I walked past you I kind of leaned into you a little bit

My intention was to kind of bump into you

But you could have moved out of the way at the last minute and thwarted my flirting

Slept all day

I feel sick

don't know what's up with that

going back to bed

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

yes

that is an ashtray

but

it's pretty

and

I'm thinking of using it as a candle holder

like a little tea light

or votive

I have a sort of mineral collection

I was going to put them together

idk if I like this

or not

probably

I'll add more to this

I think the ghost dogs would be great

except

kitty might think he should play on it

so

ghost dogs might need to be

somewhere less accessible

but

hopefully they can come out of the drawer

also

I feel like maybe

something sould be in the vase

not flowers though

I've tried that and I don't like it

ya know

the more I'm looking at it

bird

might need to go somewhere else

hang on

this table needs vaneer work

I know

but

is it better without bird?

I also got to find the perfect spot for this guy and I don't think that this is it

I got him in Albuquerque

In an art gallery in Old Town I think it's called

So last night I couldn't really sleep

I had these ideas for moving furniture around

And I just couldn't shut off my brain

And then I couldn't get comfortable

And my back hurt

And I would start to doze off

But then something would happen The cat would climb on me

Or I would have to pee

Or I don't know what but I just couldn't get to sleep

And then I finally got to sleep really around the time that I needed to get up

And I was maybe going to go to the studio with my mom

But I texted her and was like I didn't get any sleep I just can't

Plus I had a bad headache too

And it's rained

It's raining now

It keeps saying thunderstorms

And it was only tentative to go into the studio cuz my mom didn't want to be driving around in the rain

It's really funny because

After Harvey it's like almost everybody here is kind of PTSD about rain

But the way that I slept or didn't sleep last night I had that a lot as a kid I had a lot of problems with insomnia because I just couldn't stop thinking couldn't quiet my brain

Whereas for the last I don't know more than 20 years generally if I lay down I fall right to sleep

Cuz I'm just really tired or whatever I guess but

The challenge is getting me to go lay down

Could have been taking melatonin

And that's been successfully getting me to sleep more like 1:30 than 5:00 or 6:00

But yesterday I didn't want to take melatonin because it makes it hard for me to wake up

But I took melatonin tonight

And I'm not feeling all that drowsy

But I slept late whatever so I don't know

I'm fixing to go to sleep

And I didn't actually do any of the things

The moving stuff around

Because I did sleep late

And then I had a headache

And whatever

But I've got it pretty nailed down I feel like I know what I'm doing

I do have this one thing that I'm not sure where I'm going to put it

It's one of those little carve-tie cabinets with the little mirror tile things on it with birds

And I've had it for I don't know 21 years

I got it in the year 2000

But at my last place I had this whole altar thing set up and that was part of the altar

And then here I've got it on top of my chest of drawers which are kind of tall just a drawers

So sitting in my chair I can see it across the room

And I really like that

But I also have this wood thing set up on the corner that I'm obsessed with that

It looks kind of like I don't know Driftwood or something but it's it also looks kind of like wings it's free form it goes really well with that bowl that I have on the yellow thing

And at first I thought I would put it between the two chest of drawers and put my sculpture thing which is an African sculpture but it's got kind of the same vibe somehow

But the wall just doesn't really long enough to separate the chest of drawers and put that in between it and it didn't look good it wasn't wasn't right I tried it a while back

And I found a place to put the sculpture which doesn't really feature it but it's stable so I don't have to worry about it falling down so I may just leave it where it is

But I'm thinking about moving the chest

Cuz I feel like the wood thing works better with the vibe I'm going for there with the '70s things and I feel like having both of them there kind of detracts from both of them like means that neither one of them really looks right they both kind of fight against each other although the wing thing would probably look amazing on top of the chest but the ceilings aren't that tall they're both about the same height

So I'm thinking about moving the chest to the bedroom

And at first I thought maybe I would put it on top of the empire table but then I had this brilliant idea that was part of the epiphany last night I think I'm going to put the impart table kind of beside the bed

Not like bedside table beside the bed cuz I have these two West elm bookshelves on either side of the bed and then the bed actually is from a Kia but it's got almost the same sort of pattern so it looks as though they're designed to go together which is kind of cool

But I'm pretty sure I can put the impart table against the wall slightly away from the bookcase kind of window adjacent

And I can put the painting that I got at Joshua tree the first time on the wall and my vase that looks like a cactus from the Potter's guild on the empire table and this Mexican pottery bird thing that I have so I mean that wasn't what I was going to do originally on the empire table I was going to do a collection of black objects but I had that epiphany last night

Initially I thought I would just put the pottery vase on the yellow shelves but it's really heavy and although you know I'm sure those shelves are sturdy and all I mean it probably weighs 40 or 50 lb and I just didn't want to push it Said it's a little bigger also

And then the other part of the epiphany was I have this chair that I bought at a garage sale like I don't know 30 years ago and I'm thinking about getting rid of it

But it comes from the shamrock hotel and I had it outside on the patio at my last place which it's not an outdoor chair so that wasn't a really good idea but I had it under the covered part and it didn't really get that wet except it did a little bit so it's kind of degraded in structural integrity a little but I spent a lot of time sitting outside in that chair you know doing tarot and writing and thinking about you

So I'm not 100% sure I want to get rid of it and it won't fit in my car so it's not like I can take it and donate it someplace I would have to just take it out to the dumpster and I don't know I just feel like if I'm going to get rid of that chair I want to make sure it gets a good home so I've been very conflicted

And then I have this little cafe table that comes from Starbucks they got rid of those old ones and got new ones and so they were like you know do whatever you want with the old ones we don't want them so I brought one home and that was the table I sat out outside in that chair so they don't go together but they kind of go together and I keep moving that table around and it just doesn't have any place where it has the use You know I tried to make it kind of a decorative table but it just ends up being a dumping spot for mail and whatnot

And I have this lamp that has a really funky lamp shade that I had down here on top of this cabinet but then somehow the plug that I plugged it into didn't work and you don't really need a light there and whatever so I moved it away from there I have the sculpture the 3D mask that I showed you before there and so I'm like well you know maybe I have to get rid of this lamp doesn't really have a home

But then I had this epiphany about setting up that chair as a place to sit and read in my bedroom and then having that table right next to it with the lamp on it and I'm pretty sure that'll all fit

Now will I sit there and read I don't know

Is that the best use of the space I don't know

But I have all those things

It doesn't involve buying any more things

So I have these things that I'm resistant to get rid of I may as well set them up see how it works and if it's like well no I really don't want these items they really don't work for me well then at least I will have you know tried it and I'll have maybe a little less resistance to get getting rid of them

I'm not really sure what this bedroom is going to look like when I get done with it

And I'm not sure if I can manage to fit the Thai cabinet in there as well

But I just thought of a couple more places I could try it out if it doesn't work there so

We'll figure it out

I can show you some of these items I'm talking about but the areas have things staged on them so they are not in their final locations so just know that I know that they don't look good the way they are

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

So, I'm still sorting and getting rid of and etc, but I'm also decorating a little.

The cactus print is from Joshua tree

The fiber art is from the 70s-- it was done by a woman I knew and liked very much who was an artist in my mom's gallery

The little words plaque is also from the 70s I can remember where I got it from

The seahorse is also from the 70s-- we got it in a gallery someplace we went-- I fell in love with it immediately.  It's an etching with embossment.

I can't find the cord for the cd player so I might have to use batteries.

Well it rained today

I don't think the hurricane is going to come here

But I've had a headache all day

And I can't really tell you what I did

I drank coffee

I ate cinnamon rolls

I did various things on the computer

I said ow my head hurts a lot of times

But I did not do anything that could be called productive

And I decided that's okay

And now I'm going to go to sleep

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I forgot to say

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

when I went to bed

I'm up to pee

so I'll say it now

two dolls I got on our trip out west when I was 3 which have long ago lost their hair

I knew I would never have thrown this away

last semester in college

almost forgot to crop out my social security#