hello france

and
damn, russia
w'sup
no really

've got some stuff i want to catch you up on

but
i have to run now

i will try to write later

it's not important
or time sensitive
it's just stuff

i love you

do not visit post of 8/28/11

apparently there is possible malware
on the site for the photo i included

i tried to revert it to a draft
but i just keep getting pop ups
and it won't let me

i doubt
any harm could come to your computer
from looking at this post
if you did not go through to the photo's homesite
but

better safe than sorry

so i looked up nutter butter on urban dictionary

and maybe i won't call you that again
which is a shame
because
it worked so nicely
and
sounded so cute
like
i'd never call you cookie
but
a type of cookie, why not
but not all cookies have cute names
and
of those, how many are appropriate for a man
not many i think
so
new challenge

i love you tim tam man

goodmorning

nutter butter man

i love you

like melted butter
like freshly baked bread
and
i'm having very impure thoughts
because
i
can multi-task the worry and the heat
til the season
comes every month
i'm going to bed now
i'm going to try to see you in my dreams
if
i've made you unhappy or bored
with any of this
then
i'm sorry
but
i think
you're probably pretty tough
and i
am not very bad
and, anyway
i think you're used to me now

what i'm really jones'n for is
laying my head on your chest
your arm around me
breathing with you
feeling the flow of you energy
and
maybe other things

i've been thinking about it

probably
i'm a buzz kill
why can't i just be all fun
but
the thing that's worrying me now
is that you think, maybe
that i think
you can't handle your shit
and i never thought that

i think
you might not have the girl perspective
and, i think i'm probably right there
but why would you

i love you
i think you're great
i'm in no way trying to tell you anything different
nor
am i trying to tell you what you should do

what i'm doing
is, mostly, worrying
that i might fuck up somebody else's life
i'm not talking about debbie heather

and
my fantasies don't hurt other people
but
if they are realized they might
and i guess i'm just more sensitized to some than others

we don't have any plans
i don't know what's going to happen

i feel like what i should want for you
is that you not lose any one minute, ya know
and i feel selfish
that what i want is a family with you

and i know how all that worked out for me

that, last night, was a lot of talking

i hope i didn't bend your ear

i love you very much sweetheart

love you

i want things
and i wonder
what would it be like to live with you
what kind of a daily rhythm would we have
would i spend all the time i spend writing to you
doing something else
writing something else
would i spoil you
and then wear down and not want to do all those things anymore

and what about
the one
the one that makes me think
i should just stay away because
i would never want to hurt her

could he balance all that

because i'm prepared to be hated
any scenario
in which i get my dreams
automatically means i will be a bad guy
and i guess
it kinda still surprises me
that i want you that bad
and i guess
i worry


i'm expecting happy happy blood like right now actually
so i'm worried a little bit more
than normal


i don't worry that you love me, though
i feel that
all the way from there to here
and
it never went away this time
which makes me happy
but also
a little sad
inexplicably

deeper thoughts

and i wanted to make sure you understood me
i don't mean that i think i have nothing to contribute
to people or the world or whatever
i just don't think i have a speaking tour topic
i mean
yeah sure
i could find something to talk about
but a really good speaker has something that they've done
or that's happened to them
that has a universal or epic quality
otherwise
it's teaching
not lecture circuit
[that's just my opinion]

one of the things that drives me crazy about my mother
is that she's so means to an end oriented
when we went to the chinati foundation
she came away from that
and her take away was:  how can i get a big grant
to display my beautiful artwork

it makes me cringe
she never does anything just for itself

maybe this doesn't make any sense to you

my problem
[well, one of them]
has always been that i want to do it for love
and all that money stuff
and the people who don't get it feeling like they
have some right to tell you
as though they could do it themselves
had any understanding
or asking me to explain what category of thing this is
like they'd even understand my explanation
like they need to know what they're looking at before they see it
can't they just experience it

that stuff always kinda ruined it for me
if i could just produce it
and not have to do the other part
or know about it even
probably i'd be fine

but
for her
she only does it to sell it
it's not about her, a part of her


i don't get her
she doesn't get me
i really don't want to take this class with her
i meant to call her tonight
because i think it's a thursday night thing
but i didn't

i was talking to my new friend at work
her mom went off and left her with her dad too
so we were swapping "walk it off" war stories
but she so has me beat
he dad tried to tell her she just needed a band aid
but the school nurse had seen it, made him take her to the doctor
she had to get 38 stiches

i was talking to 30-year-old-sushi-guy
and he was saying that i didn't seem all that broken up about my stepdad
and i was all like:
look, he was a good guy, i loved him
but we don't have any baggage

and he's like:
so he didn't raise you at all
and i'm like:
no, my mom didn't hook up with him until i was 13
and he's like:
and you were already raised by then
and i'm like:
yeah, pretty much

truthfully
i was kinda surprised that it was my mom he was interested in
and he just treated me like a child
because
that wasn't the experience i was used to
but i said something like that to him
and he looked all creeped out

and
he had a stepdaughter who is like 11 or just turned 12
and he introduces her as "my daughter"
when he first did that
really before they were even married
i expressed surprise:
she's ok with that
[not in front of her obviously]
but he just couldn't seem to understand
when i tried to explain to him:
she has a dad
i would have been super offended
she's all good? ya'll have talked about it

so this 12 year old was at the wedding
all make-upped and heeled
hair dyed dark
and looking like 16
and
i honestly don't think he gets it

cut marks on her wrist too
pointed out by another of my friends
who i sat next to
and i'm all like:
they don't look bad
what, you never cut yourself?

thoughts

so
the dressing
is underway

i researched the interwebs
and
it seems ones counters the too much vinegar
with some form of sweetner

my testing revealed maple syrup to be the clear winner
so i've got, so far

5t toasted sesame oil
5T real maple syrup
2 cloves garlic smushed but not chopped
4 dried mushroom pieces
[porcini, but grown further north in birch forests
and so called something else]
about 6oz aged balsamic vinegar

i'm gonna let that steep
i will stain out the pieces of mushroom and garlic
and mix with wine or water or both
not sure yet


i love you
and eggs
they are adorable, small ones
like robin's eggs and such
and they seem very symbolic
although sometimes i'm not sure
i think they can have more than just the obvious meaning

i keep getting this card in readings:
http://www.gaiantarot.com/fourofair/

sometimes
there can be a lot on my mind

this is only chat, right now

i made hummus again
i got lazy and made it a little simpler
i think it's better
i'm really close to what i want

the pesto
excellent on pasta
it was too strong to eat with a spoon
but really good when using a little bit
i guess that makes sense

i'm currently trying to figure out
an oil free [or nearly oil free] balsamic vinaigrette

i love you

good morning pumpkin

have a beautiful day

good night sweetheart, but first, blather blather on

i had breakfast with my mom
and she wants me to take a class with her
i had planned on having to do something like that
and was trying to figure out something "good for her"

but she
preemptively
wants to do some sort of
speaking tour prep thing
which i always thought i'd be good at
if i only had something relevant to offer
neither does she, though
but she thinks she can lecture on creativity, i think
and
although i've never thought she was very creative
i think
i might have high criteria in that regard

i read something
about your scientific method
and
i gotta say
pretty smooth stuff

but you have totally ruined me for the normals

also
i watched a documentary on buddhism (sort of, more like on temples, but whatev)
and
i'm wondering how you feel about vajra as a middle name

ari'el vajra

i'm not married to it, but i like what it means
and i think the hebrew is like barak or barakim or something
plus
i like that vajra has ties to both tantra and tibetan buddhism
plus
lightning bolt and diamond

but
maybe a mixed metaphor
and not a baseball reference
and i had thought, maybe, yehuda

i mean
i know it's not something i need to be worried about

i just don't believe in this four name thing that's so popular
and
names are power
but
vajra kinda violates my other rule
about not saddling them with sunset or whatnot
or they end up bad

and
it oughta be like  ari el rey or something cool
hey, el rayo

although, maybe that's more of a nickname
ari / el rey / el fuego / el espada / el zarza

i don't know why the spanish is cool
but the sanskrit is not
maybe it's not manly enough sounding to my western ears

maybe that's a daughter middle name, but i had the k name all set for that eventuality
cause then the nickname was dax
which is nerdy isn't it
but it sounds good, and by then no one will know


i miss you

this is sort of a test

i think i just felt you read this
or
maybe you just thought about me really hard
but
whatever
i changed this
from what it was earlier
so
if you read it
then
you know i know
and
if you didn't read it but you just thought about me
then
you know i felt that

either way

i love you very much

i love you

have a great day

i'm thinking of you
and
i hope i didn't break the mood
by calling you my adorable little pain in the ass
i've said it before
but
whatever

if it was a buzz kill, i'm sorry

probably not
but
it's bothering me
so

there you go

i want you to have nothing but happy thoughts right now
plenty of time for blahness later
and it makes me feel a little better to think
that you're being happy for me
since now is not a super happy time for me

xoxoxo

maybe i overshare

if so
i'm sorry

it occurs to me
maybe i do

i love you like a house on fire

and
i've got nothing to say
right now

xoxoxo

good morning sweetheart

i love you

good night sweetness

i hope your day was awesome and beautiful
and filled with all the joys of nature

i had somebody telling me
that i seem saner
calmer
and
less likely to take things personally
than i was just a few years ago

and
i think that's directly relatable to you

i've had to deal with a lot of emotions
i've had to not take an awful lot of stuff personally
and etc, in order to love you
and
since not loving you didn't seem to be an option
i guess i grew into a calmer more together person
to deal with you
my adorable little pain in the ass

also
i think
i am becoming the person i want to be for you
if that makes any sense
it's like
because i truly believe that you love me
i'm more solid
need less from anyone or anything else
does that make sense to you

i'm not sure it makes any sense

but
i'm better with you

i can tell you've changed
but
i wouldn't presume
i think there are a lot of factors there

but to me
you seem more confident
i won't say younger, exactly, but more vital
more like you're riding a wave
and it might just be that things are going better for you
but
i like to think
it makes me happy to believe
that i make you feel better about yourself
give you at least a little of that confidence
even if it's from a distance

i love you  מותק

i slept in a little

i dreamed
that i had my right nipple pierced
let me clarify
that i have never had any desire whatsoever
to have either nipple pierced
and, really
in the dream
it was not my plan

it just sort of happened

i was in some sort of alternative-palooza
and this guy [?] sticks a needle through me

it didn't hurt
and it was a tiny needle
so then i had a tiny wire through me
and
it was kinda cute, somehow
so i was trying to figure out how to make it work

weird, huh


i'm gonna call my mom in a few minutes
she said she doesn't think she's gonna need me today
but
i'm not sure she's gonna want to be alone
i'm probably going to have to bite the bullet
and have more involvement with her for a while
or else she might go into some sort of negative fugue state

it's probably good that i went on that trip with her
i got somewhat recalibrated to her
and i was able to be what she needed yesterday

it's really unfair
that he went through all that
and then died anyway
but
on my list of ways to die
sitting at the breakfast table, at home, over coffee
not such a bad death

only 64 though, rough

she is gonna have some major readjustment
but it looks like she's gonna be ok
he took a lower retirement payment
so that if he died she'd get like 60% of it
and then there's social security
and the house is paid for

they look ok
we're getting him cremated
which was her idea
but i'm pretty sure that's what he'd want, for various reasons
but
then when we were actually doing it
she kinda freaked out a little
and said something about it being like auschwitz
which took me off guard a little
i have a similar aversion
but it still seems preferable to burial
on a lot of levels
i assured her that it wasn't anything at all like auschwitz

and she asked emily [our person at the mortuary]
or started to

and i could see in her mind
this image of a mass mound of ashes
and she'd just get a scoop of them

and emily said:
you will get all his ashes and only his ashes
so maybe it is a common point of trauma


i love you
please live forever
you can manage that, right

you enjoy yourself as much as you can
because fun adventures are much better, trust me
than sad adventures

well. i'm seriously considering throwing the lightning card away

i've been getting lightning
again and again
sometimes
when i ask a specific question
it won't show up
but it's just a few down
and
i gotta be honest
i thought it was probably to do with us, somehow
so
i asked question after question
and it would all be rosy, except
except for the lightning

but
this morning
my stepfather
who had been mending nicely
through the woods for sure by now
just slumped over drinking coffee
and when my mother found him he was dead

he's dead
so i helped my mom with the funeral home and stuff
but
she's pretty tore up

maybe i shouldn't have told you
maybe it will make you
less happy

but
it shouldn't
it's ok

i love you

i love you baby

have a beautiful day
i love you very much

goodnight darlin

all i wanna do is.....

good morning baby

i hope everything is good
running smoothly
just the way
you like it

i'm thinking about you
i love you very much
and
i'm really proud of you

maybe it's silly for me to tell you that
maybe you're not doing anything
especially proudifying
or
maybe you are
i'm not sure how you feel about it
so
i'm airing on the side of telling you

you are special
you're like
my magic man

i love you pumpkin

i've been feeling you this evening
well, off and on really all day
that's about as good a massage as you could get
without actually touching, that is

i was thinking the other day
about how totally screwed i'm gonna be
if i'm crazy
and really i'm having seizures or something
but
i consider the consideration to be
at least partial proof
that i'm not crazy

and
although it was a very physically demanding week
i really think my problem is dehydration
or rather
not enough hydration

tonight
tonight i have a headache
and, really, i don't expect you to have much energy
but
i'm going to be rubbing you down
with oil
and
whatever happens
happens

i went to see this movie celeste and jesse forever
which was kind of funny but also kind of sad
but they did this thing with a tube of lip goo that was
adorable

good morning sunshine

i had very strange dreams
and
not really pleasant ones

i hope your night was better

i moved from table to table
with a big group of other people
building garnish for plates
for a banquet i was going to have to attend
at the end of the week

but then there was other stuff too

something about
children's books
some lady was looking for them
and the woman i was standing next to
said:
they're putting her at our table
like that should have upset me
but mostly
what i thought was:
who are you again

the children's books
because i did find those for her
were in big stacks
it was a history series
done in cartoon/comics style:
black and white line drawing
kinda reminded me of lynda barry

then i ended up
at a rehearsal banquet
with a girl and her daughter
whoever this girl was, she was super close to me
and her daughter was my niece, basically

the daughter was saying i had promised her [something
i can't remember what]
and i was saying:
and look now here we are
but she felt like we were here because her mother was
in some sort of beauty contest
but
i was still claiming to have been part of everything
i really felt like i had pulled the whole thing into existence
through sheer force of will

finally, in exasperation
i turned to my beauty queen friend and said:
all this pre-game stuff is bullshit
can we please just go to santa monica

i don't know what that means
any of it


i love you brick

my body hurts

i love you
and
i mean
it's not like i don't want to
but
more than sex
i would kill for a full body massage


be safe
i love you very much

good night, love

good morning vaqero queso fresco

i have to go to bed

i love you
juice

i love you sweetheart

i hope everything is beautiful

i got some indications
that there may be
something
not quite
great
going on with you, but
no indication
that you
were
bad

so
i hope
everything
brightens up for you

wander, but don't get lost

i love you angel

goodnight
beloved

good morning angel-y-toes

goodnight beloved

i love you sweetness gravy

this card has been coming up
in readings about you

http://www.gaiantarot.com/aceoffire/

i'm not sure
what to think this means

can you get high on garlic?

i think
maybe
a little too much garlic in the salad dressing
it was really good, but
mostly what i could taste was garlic
and then
it was like
i could feel the energy of it

i've felt you today too

and
beautiful ovulation stuff

but
when i got done working
and
it went pretty well
i had help
she supported me that way at least
but when i got done
my skin seemed kinda slimy
like i was sweating out yuck
and
i've really wanted a facial
[which i haven't had in probably at least 10 years]
so i went to ulta and bought some stuff

i wanted this exfoliating cleanser that was like $45
DDF, i think it is
but that's ridiculous for a cleanser
http://www.ulta.com/ulta/browse/productDetail.jsp?productId=xlsImpprod1400118

especially since i wanted a good mask
so i ended up with:
http://www.mariobadescu.com/Enzyme-Cleansing-Gel
http://www.eclosbeauty.com/facial-scrub/
http://www.purminerals.com/Mineral-Mudd-Mask-With-Pascalite

and that worked pretty well
followed by one of my favorites
http://usa.loccitane.com/very-precious-regenerating-concentrate,82,1,29206,262897.htm

i don't use it all the time
but i keep coming back to it
because oils seem to do better for me than cream

the blackheads, they were bothering me
and my skin was looking a little fine-line-y
if i do this every few days for a while
i think i'll look resurfaced
my exfoliator was not working for  me
[and it's not like i always remember to wash my face
much less moisturize]

probably this isn't interesting to you

but
i feel better
and, maybe you like product
your skin looks pretty good to me

well, i'm up drinking coffee & eating oatmeal

but
i overslept a little
so
i'm a little rushed

why oh why
was it not important enough
for my boss to remember
that
every stick of fixture
had to move today

i mean
she isn't making me come in early
i had to do that to myself
because
going in at 8a
there would be no way to accomplish this

i would take it personally
but
that's just how she is
you can't take it personally
unless you just want an excuse to be offended

but this right here, what i'm doing
changing my schedule at the last minute
for the needs of the store
she would not do it herself

this would be great for me
if i liked to feel superior
but
i just feel like i have character flaws
which make it impossible for me to do less than my best
no matter how little sense that makes

i love you

i have to go to bed now

because
as it turns out
i have a reset
that no one told me about
so
i'll talk to you
when i get up
about 1:00a

i love you very much

food adventures

i typically make lunches
on days i'm off
i've been happily eating something i call, in my head
ambrosia salad
because it tastes like i think that hideous
gloopy stuff should taste
i make it with shredded wheat
grapefruit, shredded coconut, and
in this latest incarnation
dried cranberry pomegranet blend

i figure this is something that only i would like
but a girl at work asked to try it
and she said it was delicious
which
made me happy
a little
i haven't really had other people eating my food
and
when i'm writing it to you
a lot of it sounds weird to me


but today
today i made sushi rolls
i made the first one
and it looked good
but it tasted like, pretty much nothing
i used brown rice, cucumber, radish, avocado, and smoked salmon
[so i wouldn't have to worry about sushi grade]

so
i decided that sushi must have sauce of some kind that i can't see
so i made one
toasted sesame seed oil, wasabi powder
rice vinegar, mayonaise, salsa verde, "that green sauce"
chipotle salt, black truffle salt, smoked paprika
"slap ya momma white pepper blend"
garlic powder, ginger, and
a little worchester sauce
because i had no fish sauce
[which is what i really thought it needed]
because worchester has some anchovy or something

not too bad
they look nice
they taste, alright, i think
i guess i'll let you know tomorrow

i'm also going back to salads for dinner
[so i'm not carbing up before bed]
but
i've been bad for a while now
about using store bought dressing
which is full of crap

so
i made myself make dressings
well, one isn't finished yet
it is my best recollection of a diet dressing
i got from harpers bazarre or mirabella like twenty years ago
it has no oil at all
but it needs to steep a while
it's fresh garlic and fresh ginger chopped really small
[i just got a ninja master prep
to replace my blender
long, bizarre story]
with lemon juice
apple cider vinegar
and
i put some fresh rosemary in there too
i may put some salt too
after it's steeped for a while
i may mix it with apple juice
[which is what i think i remember]

the one i'm gonna use first
is the garlic ginger mix
with some toasted sesame oil
brown rice vinegar, with a little cider and ume too
a little truffle salt and soy sauce
and a half package of dried oyster mushrooms
all reduced to a coarse paste
spooned into a used dressing bottle
and then filled with water
so it's only 2-3 Tbs oil for the whole bottle

it's really not bad
it still maybe has a little more vinegar
could be a little smoother, less tart
i may still tweak it

but they're not all full of canola oil and preservatives, etc.

so, better

i might have to make a ceasar
i love ceasar
but the store bought is vile, even paul newman brand

i love you honey

good morning australia

i got my first aussie visit
my map is pretty green now

united states and russia are the most frequent visitors
but
i think i have regular readers in
england, germany, and india

i've had nibbles from the pacific rim
but i've never been sure
they weren't just passing through

but
i'm stoked about australia

welcome
make yourself at home

i fell asleep on the sofa

and
i was having these amazingly vivid dreams
about
driving to mexico
and this sunset
and snow
and

visiting this man
a painting mentor from the past
[in the dream]
listening to a tape
experimental
sound speeding up and back
down and forward
cleaning a mirror over his sink

hearing a recording of a bunch of people
who knew him from a variety of different places
many of whom i knew and loved
we're all meeting here
on christmas
if you don't celebrate
spend the whole day
if you do
just drop in
it'll be a thing, you know

and suddenly
i had memories
of years of these get-togethers

and the painter looked at the tape of music
which i thought was genius
and he said:
oh no
don't listen to that


i don't know what this means
but it was
intense


i love you

oh yeah

and
i love you sweetness


what is he thinking about:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=396094&Date=9%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single


what does he want me to know:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=736345&Date=9%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i really like this new girl at work

she's funny
and off-beat
and
a really bad influence
like
between us
we are an h.r. call waiting to happen

if maybe like religo girl happens through

like
the other day she says she wants to go see madame butterfly
which as it turns out is a new ballet rather than the opera i thought
and i'm all like:
i will totally go to any ballet anywhere anytime
[cause i got no one interested in going]
and she's all like:
yeah the girl is laying in the bed
and the guy's all [and she kinda mimes him jumping her]
and i said, hey that's my kinda ballet

and
before i even think
i'm saying:
now, you know they are not gonna have live insertion at the ballet
and she cracks up
but not like the totally new
maybe 22 year old
and completely unvetted new guy in the break room

see, bad influence

today
i am totally exhausted
with mountains of crap to move
cause i'm doing this change-over
and shit was delayed, and whatever

she comes up and says:
is there any way i can help you
and i'm all like: yes, i could really use some help

so she wanders off
and
a few minutes later she says:
are you sure there's nothing i can help you with

bitch, i said yes
i know that's not the kind of thing that's believable
coming from me
but
yes, please help me

so we move a bunch of boxes
and
i'm making my
i'm-lifting-the-boxes-noise
and she's like:
watch out, or you'll get muscles

oh, you haven't seen my arms
[so i show her]

that's just like a dude
ooo and look at you're veins
i bet the doctors love you

yeah
it's cause i'm transparent pale
when i was a kid you could play trace the vein

she just has comebacks to everything
and
she's teasing me
but
not in an annoying way
which is rare-ish

i love you

i have this weird feeling
that i did something bad
like
i upset you or something
now
i can't think
what i could have done
but
just in case

i love you
and i didn't mean to do anything

probably
i'm just paranoid
because i'm feeling a little stressed
because of work
and
i'm going in really early
and
i have that
i-got-up-too-early-and-i-feel-slightly-nauseated feeling

and
yesterday
wasn't stellar

anyway
take care of yourself

i love you very much

this morning, i got a round of applause

i had to go to a meeting
and
i didn't wear
what i'd normally wear
mostly
because i haven't done the laundry yet
but
maybe, partly
because i wanted to wear my new orange shirt

i wore a khaki shirt
which is a knit
[i like knits]
i've had it for 18 or 19 years
but i never wear it
because it is khaki and only comes mid calf
but
i keep it
because sometimes you need something khaki

so
khaki waffle knit skirt
orange shirt
[sheer orange with built in cami]
and brown sparkle tone up thongs
that
that's what got me
a round of applause

when i went to bed

it was like
we weren't synced up
and i tried to meditate to get things together
but
i passed out
before it really got going

i exhausted myself
dreaming

i kept hitting snooze
and
i was driving
wandering through
narrow winding streets
in mexico

i felt like
the whole night
had been some deep
psychic journey

but
not necessarily
a sexual one


[happy happy blood time
must have started about 2pm
so i was off
about a day and a half]


i hope
everything is ok
this is one of those weird days
but
everything should be good for you personally


i love you my darling sock monkey

running late, can't talk

later

i just watched black swan

i didn't see it when it came out
honestly
because i thought it would depress me

it was awesome

just a few minutes ago, driving in the car

i felt you
rubbing your fingers across my lips
across my jaw
down my throat

i love that

so, here's what happened

i had taken 1/2 a melatonin
because i had slept late
and that tends to mean
that i won't be able to sleep
and
i'm still not feeling right
so i needed to sleep

so
i got into bed
and it was exactly like i could feel you
getting in next to me
and
sort of snuggling against me

but then
we were in front of the fireplace
and i took some extra time
to imagine something comfortable for you to lay on
and then
i sorta
mounted up
wrapped my feet under your thighs
and started to rhythmically squeeze

and this line of fire
spread around all the walls
like a gas jet
and the world was on fire

i started moving

you were rubbing your hands
over my breasts

then
i guess the melatonin hit
and i passed out

i love you

i'm going to bed now

i'm imagining you with me

but i'm not scripting it

we'll just see what happens

good night, dear one

well, yesterday, i felt sort of sick

i had chills
and nausea
not very sexy
which is why i didn't write

i don't know what's up with me

but not the wild horniness i sorta expected
but
i haven't started yet
so
who can say

i had weird dreams
maybe i was homeless
i know i was walking around with a shopping cart
and something
something about these shoes
like tennis shoes
but a tribal woven fabric

i hope
that homelessness thing
is not some sort of bad indicator

and
i hope you're ok
and not trying to send me some frantic message
that i didn't get
it was a sort of fever dream
even though
i'm pretty sure
i didn't
don't
have fever

i love you papi

but if we ever live together

let's have a fireplace

if i could sit around the fireplace
talking and drinking wine
i think
that
would feel like heaven

yeah, so, just for clarifcation

my drunk negotiations
not totally
conveying my meaning

what that really meant is
hey
there's not way, right now, that i have
the fine motor control or motivation
to properly see to your needs myself
but
i'm open to a variety of sexual option
which i will now list

i feel like i made it sound like
the only time you get to drive is if i'm
too fucked up
and that was not what i meant to say

so, the mad housewife

it's supposed to be a sweet wine besitos
but it's unbalanced to my taste
sweet-ish
but with an edge
it was a get-er-done type wine
not terrible

and then i opened tabali reserva syrah
that i bought like a year ago
and
not impressed
but i added some of my good belly probiotic
blueberry acai juice
and
boom
sangria-ish
not bad

and
holy crap
veggie patch makes a kick ass falafel
i used a tortilla [jalapeno cheese]
like they did at the food shark in marfa
with a slaw
made with cabbage
toasted sesame oil
umbosi and rice vinegar
eden shakes
and a little tahini
with diced grape tomatoes
and avocado
and it was great

i'm kinda drunk
and you can totally be on top tonight, if you want
if i have another couple glasses
you could maybe even do that thing guys always wanna do
that i'm usually a little too tense for

or we could just spoon and fall asleep
i'm not fussed

i'm having a crappy day

and you are the only thing that is making it better

i've felt you several times

and
this morning
i asked god
to show me a window into the future
will it always be like this
or
will we ever be together
and
whichever way
will it be good

what will it be like

but
god hasn't answered me
or else
i haven't understood

it's not that we've been distant
but
he's been quiet
and
puppyfish has been quiet

my cat's having problems
work has kinda sucked

i feel bad
not like sick
just bad

it needs to all get better
i need to adjust my attitude

maybe i'll have some wine
i have some funny wine
called mad housewife
i don't really expect it to be good
but
i didn't pay for it
seems a shame to waste good wine on a bad attitude

i hope your day is going better
i love you honey

i love you

thoughts

i wish
i had an awesome body
for you
that i could dance
a wild flamenco
that i could incite you

and maybe
maybe someday
maybe someday all of that will come to pass

i can picture it, you know

i had
at one point
one of those tortoise shell combs
that the spanish dancers always had in pictures
and
i would paint a beauty mark on my cheek
paint my lips red

i always wanted a beauty mark
and i have one now
but it isn't what i wanted
it might be
i think it is, in fact
almost exactly where i painted it, initially, eleven years old
but
when i was older
i realized, optimally it would be in the curve of my lip
about a half inch down, a quarter inch over from where it is
and, of course
flat and dark
rather than slightly raised and the same color as the rest of my skin
the one i painted on
was really a dot of eyeliner pencil

i am beautiful
i've always been beautiful
even when i was hiding it really well
i'm just not as beautiful bodily
as i'm supposed to be

and
to be honest
i've never really wanted to be
i feel uncomfortable with that female power thing
the idea of bringing you to your knees
demanding things of you
taking
doesn't feel good to me
and maybe you want that
maybe
maybe if i had done that

i think maybe guys like that
maybe that's why you're crazy for her

i always thought
if i could just bring myself to be a dominatrix
i could make a fortune
and there was a time when i thought i hated men, it should be easy
but
i still couldn't
couldn't begin

but maybe, someday
we can role play
and rather than being the things i feel comfortable being
i'll be the thing that's threatening
the thing
the thing men have always wanted me to be
and i'll be that thing for you

i mean
i don't mean to mislead you
i am, since about twenty one, sexually dominant
just not with that kind of energy
and by that i don't mean whips and chains
i mean that other thing
i don't have a name for it

you know what i am, right
and
what i am
has an animal danger all it's own
and you want that, you want me
but you're scared of me too
and i think you're scared of me in several different ways

so, i don't know

can you handle me

because
right now
i thinking we're in tombstone
or deadwood
in a saloon
and you're picking a girl to go upstairs with
any type of girl
and i embody that

what do you pick

this is not your life partner you're picking, understand
you're picking tonight's girl

i 100% believe in my ability to do this

i must have been eleven

because i didn't start that school
until the fall
of when i was ten
and
that book came out
in the fall, as well

i hope you are happy and healthy
and
enjoying your little blessings

i'm thinking about unimportant things that happened years ago

and
maybe that's not interesting
but
i'm running with it

i was thinking about something
someone may have said to me, or
more probably
it wasn't really directed at me at all
it was just a passing comment
that i somehow latched onto

and it's resurfaced now
causing a kaleidoscope of memory
and
questions
and
if i were a really good writer
i'd get a story out of it
but
i don't know

this passing comment
was something to do with being in a parade

and i thought:
why is she telling me that
hasn't everyone been in a parade
like, a bunch of times, what's the big deal

but
if i force myself to think about it
probably not
probably most people don't

so my memory
is about the first time i was in a parade
and the skirt i wore
and how that skirt made me happy


the first parade i was ever in
was the st patrick's day parade in my hometown
which is a pretty huge parade, actually
i was going to this small weird school
and somehow we were in it

so what i remember most was jumping in and out of the back of a pickup
and the skirt which i think i wore with a mexican peasant blouse
there was nothing particularly irish about my get up
nobody seemed to care

i think the only parade we ever went to see was
one time
the rodeo parade
that would be a good parade to be in

but every year when the trail riders trotted by outside my workplace
i always felt like it was the best parade ever
and it always kinda took me by surprise
and
for me
that's the best parade

this skirt was blue
very blue, dark blue
not navy, not ultramarine, maybe midnight blue
it had tiers of flounce
it wrapped around, so it had a little give as far as stride and whatnot
and it was floor length
kinda gypsy-ish

i was ten, i think
and i think i had just read a romance novel the gypsy from cadiz
[wow i found a review, cool]  https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/tamsin-hamilton/the-gypsy-from-cadiz/#review
and i had always kinda had a thing for gypsies
in a limited child-like way
but
i knew this was the st patrick's day parade
so i was trying to channel some sort of
irish potato peasant energy into the twirling and flapping of the skirt
i thought maybe i was a little irish

this is going to be kinda all over the place

what did that dream mean, it's kinda unsettling me

my mom
when we were travelling
admitted something she never did before

her story had always been
she weighed 103 pounds, and
she knew she was pregnant with me
because she gained three pounds
but that i gave her a stomach that never went away
she looked pregnant unless she was super underweight
and, although she was pretty thin usually she wasn't underweight
and by the time i was maybe 12 she was up to a size 10 maybe
probably not on top
and people still argue with me
[well not anymore really, but they did up to ten years ago]
the last time i saw your mother she was pregnant
no she wasn't
yes she was
not unless you haven't seen her since she was pregnant with me
yes she was
whatever

anyway
the imaginary child is named jennifer
and sometimes she's a better daughter than me
but
what my mom admitted
was that i didn't cause the stomach
she always had it
even at under 100 pounds
because, she says, she is so short-waisted that her guts don't have anywhere else to go but out

so maybe that's where part of it came from
but the non-breathing babies has got to stop
it's upsetting


i have this rug
[this is completely unrelated to the dream]
i bought it at a resale shop years and years ago, like seven maybe
and i have never had it on the floor
ok
i've had it on the floor
but it's always too bright or whatever
it's kind of a watermelon color
but classic floral medallion very traditional
and
i don't even want to over dye it
i just want it to look like it's been fading for 200 years
sort of bleached out neutral
this thing is a tank of a rug
i had it in the trunk of my car for at least two years
and it is completely unscathed
i don't know why
it's bothering me right now
i'd really like to use it
all neutral and barely pink
you can't bleach a wool rug
and i don't have a yard i can lay it out in


was that really peanut butter
or was it a different little nut


i still wonder
if when i feel you
it's something specific that you're thinking
or if you're just thinking about me is enough to do it
like also
does the different ways i think of you feel different to you
i know you don't know what i'm thinking
but
does my thinking about massaging your balls
feel different to you
than
when i'm thinking intensely about
how i don't see how we ever get together
how does it happen
how can it happen, really
and how i wish i could read you're mind
and all the other semi-desperate thoughts i sometimes have

does that feel different than when i'm mentally sexing you
or
is it the intensity alone that you feel

because i do believe that you feel it
at least sometimes


i want you
really a lot, you know
and it'll be premenstrual time again soon
i'm expecting happy happy blood time on or about the 9th
so it may get weird
or horny
or both

i was buying cigarettes in stuttgart

i don't think i've been to stuttgart
but it was all run down
and the pretty little
look we are a simple country town
with medieval architecture
all rebuilt after WWII like nothing ever happened
was grafittied up
and i looked at this
and i cried

i don't know why

but it seemed important
anyway


i was buying cigarettes in stuttgart
and they were super expensive
but when i got them
they were some sort of weird bindi cigarettes
so i was all like:
hey, i'm sorry, but can i switch these out for gauloise
and they're like:
sure, but that's gonna be thirty more dollars
which i didn't have in cash
so i paid twenty
and charged ten
and then it turned out that that included breakfast
which was cool
this beautiful woman cooked for me
but i really needed to go
because i had left the baby in the car
well, it wasn't a car
it was a climate controlled media room
and there was a bunch of food for me to take back to the baby
yogurt and fruit puree and stuff

and i had to go
and i was telling the girl i'd come back to her
or we'd meet again
or something
because i apparently knew her, somehow

but
when i got back to the baby
who wasn't maybe actually mine
i think i stole it from my mom
and i'm not sure now
was it a girl or a boy
anyway
when i got back
it wasn't breathing
it was a memory foam pillow
and it's temperature had dropped
and i had to push it and massage it
and warm it up before the baby started to be a baby again
and subsequently, to breathe

then i handed the guy
who may also have been me
the baby
and asked him to feed it while i got us the hell out of there

applehead

i dreamed
that i was traveling along with some friends
and i was having some issues
the girl
[and maybe i should mention here
that i don't know any of these people in real life]
says that i need to be on medication

then i see
a couple walking along together
with children [3?] on their shoulders
and all of the children have apples for heads
i gasp
i describe what i see
she says:
see, medication
but i try to explain:
i just would like to know what's actually real
but medication will stop me from being myself
i don't want to change
i just would like to know when i'm seeing something that no one else sees


and
i've been a little depressed
i went to dinner with my friend
whose wedding is coming up quickly
and she's having the usual types of issues
but
she's saying alarming things

she's saying that she doesn't think his music is going to work out
she's saying that he never actually filed some paperwork to complete his degree
almost two years ago
and that if he would just do that
he could get a better job
she's not telling him to quit his music
she's telling him
that he needs to do it for long enough to be sure he's ready to quit
or else he will always regret it

these are not the kind of things i ever expected to hear from her
it's kinda making me want to tell the guy to run
i can see the seeds of her expectations changing
with the dreaded institution
and it makes me sad

he kinda roped me into an hour long [basically] therapy session
with another girl by telling her:
if you're concerned about it you should talk to [my name]
she's like yoda or something

i cannot explain how touched i was by that statement

when i went to log in to my computer this morning
i couldn't [just for a second] remember the password
and, instead, started to type civet

i think i'm slightly out of sorts

the bottle was green over brown glaze ceramic with a silhouette of a bird

the scent
aromatic trees
butter
just a touch of sweet onion cooked down to a caramel
and
some spice
i couldn't quite put my finger on
it had a sweet note
and it was indescribably delicious
but it wasn't bay rum
and it wasn't basil
and it wasn't rosemary
maybe it was a blend of spices
and maybe it included caraway
and maybe a little tonka bean

i don't know
i just couldn't stop sniffing it

is that what you smell like
i'm not sure
i've never gotten a complete whiff of you
i get very excited when i see you all sweaty
but
you just don't have a very strong smell
or else
i'm always so distracted
and in the seconds i have available
i just can't put it all together

i love you

i'm going to bed

i'm dragging you with me in spirit
and
if i can totally wear you out in my dreams
i'm afraid
you'll just have to be tired in the morning

i will know your secrets

one way
or
another

i feel you again

and i wonder

i mean i'm really curious

when i feel you like that, what

what are you thinking

i feel you seeing that i've written you something

as this sort of catch of excitement

but it's electrical too

i guess

what i mean is

just how specific do your thoughts get

i was trying to get answers from the ether

some sort of psychic exercise

[which might all be a bunch of hooey, but]

when i asked it

what it was that you would dream about

what about me would make you fantasize

what i got:

my skin

and

that's a possibility

whether it's true or not

this morning

when i woke up

i lay in bed for over an hour

thinking about you

what i wanted right then

was to mount you

to feel you slide against my inner eye

to bring the monsoon

to mark you with my scent

i didn't think about

procreation

only the creative force

where the mind turns off

and i'm one with everything

i want you

and

i can't stand it

i can't stand it at all

what are you doing to me

for hours

i feel you

touching me

not like a hand or a finger touching
like
a pressure
holding me
stroking my nerves, electrically

it's different, somehow

what are you doing to me

i love you sweetness

marfa has roaming bands of street turkeys

and i almost hit a kamikaze deer
the folks in alpine
are all bitter about marfa
we have art that's of stuff
they say
but i like alpine too
as a little town
it's like the texas version of chico, maybe
but smaller
and not such a party school

marfa
maybe i never said
i don't like primarily as a town, as such
it's more the landscape
and the lack of any cohesive attempt to be
something

if you read the thing i wrote last night
which i think you did
because when i got into bed
i thought maybe i was having a seizure
but in a good way

but then i thought
it might make you worry
or be sad, or whatever
and anyway, it wasn't very up

and that other thing, you know
it's so awesome that it can loop
last to first
and it works
great
maybe
you know
how awesome you are

so, i'm a bad person

i really am
i am looking at my mom
seeing every tiny way that i am like her

and
planning how i am going to eradicate that trait from the future me

my legs
totally her fault

and
does she think i'm retarded
i think yes

it's just little stuff, but it's continual
like:
i say i do not need a "triptic"
i have tried to use them and they do not help me
i have a system
she gets a triptic anyway
and then she's all like we need to be switching highways somewhere near...whatever
and i'm like, yes we need to take exit number blah blah on highway blah south towards blah blah blah in x number of miles
and still
she distracts me and almost gets me lost in san antonio
she has me taking the loop
why did i listen to her
how is looping around the city going to be the direct way
and she's all, but how can it be exit 511 we just passed exit 26
god damn it
we were supposed to say on 10
now my system doesn't work and i'm at her mercy

see
i'm a bad person

sushi, eagle pass has got it, sort of

apparently
all sushi rolls
must have cream cheese
i like cream cheese, but
not in my sushi rolls
i mean, ok, sometimes i might eat a piece of philadelphia roll
if i'm at a buffet or it's on an assortment tray or something
but i'd never order a whole order of anything with cream cheese

cause then you can't really taste the fish properly

and no sashimi, none at all

there are a few other things
but
i don't wanna sound like i'm bashing em
because i'm not

i got the spicy tuna roll
which contained no cream cheese
and is my core go to roll anyway

they brought out basically two rolls for $8.95
which left me pleasantly surprised
and they were good

they brought out a little dish of soy sauce
chock full of serrano peppers
which i ate with my overcooked stir fry vegetables
and the resultant serrano soy sauce is a happy find
much better with the spicy tuna roll
than the wasabi i usually mix into the soy sauce
which makes it double the same kind of hot
instead of layering

the restaurant was beautiful
it had the look of:

i went away to college in a real city
and discovered this whole sushi thing
and i'm determined to get eagle pass up to speed


so
serrano soy sauce
be thinking about it

not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, i made lemonade

i went to the mall

now
the anchor stores at this mall
are stores
in which i have not shopped
since i was in my early twenties
ok
maybe, maybe mid-twenties
beal's
penny's
and i don't even think i've ever been inside
burlington coat factory

but
whatev

i went in ross first
i do sometimes go to ross
but this was a really really sad ross
but
it is right after tax-free weekend
so maybe they just sold everything good

did you know they have sephora inside penny's now
because i did not, sweet
but
i found a huge score at some little clothes store
[i'll have to get you the name later]
i found
and i've only been looking for these forever
some pants almost exactly like those wide leg pants i have
the black palazzo pants
[you've seen em several times i'm sure
because they are my favorite pants]

on sale

$10
i got two pairs
one's a little big
but, yay anyway

more later
i gotta go pick my mom up from work

eagle pass is maybe the end of the world

but
just from driving around
looking for a place to eat
i can tell you
that everything's a dollar

family dollar
dollar general
dollar tree
and
i swear i saw another one
that i can't remember

it's sort of a sad place, i think

i love you

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=305029&Date=8%2F20%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

love you bunches

i love you

i was getting synchronistic indications
that maybe something was wrong
so i asked
how is he doing:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=43929&Date=8%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

and
what's going on in his world:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=410108&Date=8%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

i leave for my trip tomorrow
please
take good care of yourself
i want to tell you lots of stuff
i hope everything is ok

mach 3 energy bars

1 1/2 cups oat flour
1 cup steel cut oats [coarse chopped in coffee grinder]
1 cup hulled hemp seeds
1/3 cup maca
3/4t baking powder
2t baking soda
1t cardamon
2t madagascar vanilla
1 bag shredded unsweetened coconut [7.5 oz]
1 bag dried cranberry pomegranate [6oz] {it's a blend}
1/2 cup apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup honey [i used cucuzza blossom honey]
1/3 cup oil, half coconut and half grapeseed
1/3 cup ground chia

oh yeah and i forgot the liquid
because that would be a pretty dry bar

1 bottle lager [i used buddha beer]

they came out, not bad
not too sweet this time
but a little what might be called gritty
although that makes them sound bad
and they taste pretty good
definitely more energy bars than bran muffin
which was how they were leaning before

it's out again and i'm at a hotspot now, hopefully back up tomorrow

don't forget, i love you cholula

while i couldn't talk to you, i invented a new recipe

so
it has been happy happy blood time
and i needed chocolate
so i decided to make brownies

now
i'm not sure i've ever made them from scratch
i sort think i used box mix
and i've probably made em like three times
and i couldn't look up any recipes

so, of course i decided to make em vegan too
they came out great
not super rich
i mean they were kinda healthy
but i really liked em

i used a pretty fair amount of coconut oil
and light smart balance
melted in a pot
then i mixed in sugar and cocoa powder
and madagascar vanilla
then i mixed in most of a deschuttes black butte porter
and reduced a little
added 2T ground coffee
then i put in a bunch of raisins
after the raisins had had a chance to get warm and absorb-y
i took it off the heat and let it cool a little

i put about 1 1/4 cups whole wheat flour
1/2 cup hulled hemp seed
3/4t baking powder
2t baking soda
and a healthy dollop of apple cider vinegar [1/3 cup maybe]

i put the chocolate raisin mixture in the food processor
with 3T ground chia
and processed until smooth
then i folded it into the flour mixture

spooned it into the baking squares pan
and baked for 35 min at 350

chocolate brownies are often too rich for me
there's a lot of food that's too rich for me
so i don't know if these would be delicious for you
especially in like a side by side taster test
but they were deep and moist and chocolate-y and sweet

and i had no real expectations that they would be edible

five girls

the broadband going out
may have been
supposed to teach me something

but
more on that later

so

did everyone's shoes
get soaked in the flood

the cards today
brought up
four
references
so
i'm thinking
if no shoe soaking yesterday
then maybe today

i know
i started feeling bad
yesterday at about 6pm
and i still have a splitting headache
lo these many hours later

maybe that means something
maybe it doesn't

so, while i haven't been able to get on the internet AT ALL i've been writing you a story

Something about the Postcards

She opened the bright green envelope. It had her name scrawled in enormous child-like writing, clearly it was meant for her. Oh. It was from Ed. OK, she was expecting Ed to leave her something; but how was it possible that a forty year old man could write like an eight year old girl? The man was a complete enigma. “I'm kind of a judge-y person, huh,” she thought as she opened the envelope.

It was full of postcards. She had mentioned to Ed, who collected postcards, that she really really liked a particular postcard of Paris, would like to have it and any others that were duplicates for him from a portfolio a coworker had brought back from holiday. She thought back, “it would be great to have that one and maybe one or two more so I could frame them, make a little grouping on the wall” that's what she had said. Her fatal flaw had been taking the absolutely beautiful Prague postcard when it was offered. That had opened the floodgate to this, here, now. There were several of Paris, there were. But there was also a thick wooden postcard from Luckenback, TX. and five or six others that she wanted to just throw away. “I hope,” the note read “that this inspires you to start collecting yourself.”

She continued thumbing through them. Then she saw it and stopped. It was faded. She pictured the small bodega and the spinner rack too damn close to the window. It was an aerial shot, like they do, of Los Angeles lake and palm trees front and center. Oasis in the desert.

The broadband was down.

She was booking the rental car on the computer at work. She had somehow volunteered herself to drive her mother to Eagle Pass to teach a workshop. She wasn't really sure how. Partly it was some sort of driving bravado. Partly she needed a road trip. Partly she had talked her mother into a side trip to Marfa. And, maybe, she had been feeling warmly toward her mother at that particular moment. For a hot minute it looked like the Marfa thing was going to go away. They wanted her to teach another workshop in San Antonio. They might have to substitute a wineries tour. “Marfa is not an interchangeable piece of this puzzle” she had wanted to wail, “Marfa is the entire reason for this adventure.” She missed Marfa.

There were places she liked. Places where she felt good. Places where the very energy of the place seemed to reach out and join with her. Marfa was one of those places. It had been too long.

Los Angeles was not one of those places. She looked at the postcard again. It was kind of a beautiful place if you looked at it just right. Part of the reason that she couldn't look at it just right was that she was from a big city. All the things that she hated about the city she was from seemed amplified out of all proportion in Los Angeles. When she looked at the postcard rather than an oasis she saw a mirage. Still, that one had a draw on her.

The Los Angeles downtown skyline at night.

The small lake in the foreground is Echo Park,

just north of downtown.

She looked through them again picking out three more. One reminded her of Haruki Murakami, although she was pretty sure it was actually China; it was a pagoda roofed ghost town with a huge field of yellow wild flowers filling most of the picture – World Heritage Patrimonio Mundial it stated on the back. The second was the original Paris scene that started it all: the Eiffel Tower in an aerial panoramic view – La Tour Eiffel et le Champ de Mars it stated, along with her first initial written in black marker so that Ed could remember that this was the one she wanted. The letter jarred her. It somehow marred the blank card, and it seemed like completely different handwriting than the envelope. The third took her a little longer to choose. Really, she picked it out quickly, but then looked for something better. It was dark and somewhat brooding which appealed to her but it was also slightly out of focus. A white banner across the top proclaimed this Lord Howe Island. Turning it over revealed this to be a UNESCO World Heritage site in Australia. “Why oh why is the broadband down? I had no idea that there were was a Heathclif meets Lost island in Australia.” She liked the idea of an Australian post card in the bunch, but she didn't really like that image for Australia. So she had inspected the other Australian cards but she kept coming back to Howe Island, maybe when she was able to look it up there would be some amazing connection but for now it was Heart of Darkness, Lost, Antarctica or wherever from Frankenstein.

These would go with her on her trip. All trips for her were trips of adventure, mostly internal, and with her mother along and Eagle Pass having very little to recommend it, she expected to need more.

whoo hoo i have broadband again!!!!!!!!!!!

i love you sweetheart

i wonder
will i know when it happens

the puppyfish has been so quiet
i'm getting a little nervous

but
i'm feeling you
strongly
from a distance

and that diminished last time

maybe i'll know
maybe i won't
but
my thoughts are with you
and, sometimes
i can stop thinking about me and you
long enough to remember
[ie you actually made me forget
with the whole vibrating thing
good job, by the way]

i'm going to bed now
hopefully
i'll see you in my dreams

good morning, angel

i stayed up late
because i had to bake them in two batches
because i got a fancy new pan
so they'd be little squares
instead of big hand cut chunks
but they still took like 40 minutes
the loaf only took a little over an hour
and i baked three
ate them all week at work

so i stayed up late
and
between checking on the bars
i watched this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Py6ELLa1e2o&feature=related

and thought about you
and wondered if you'd like it
if you'd like to watch stuff like that
because i do
and
there's something extra about it being a spanish film
i should watch more spanish film

and
after that
hell, during that
i totally wanted to fuck you

and
here's something that i'm dying to ask you
because maybe it ties into the whole ginger and mary ann thing
the russian
in her cute little dress
ingenue with the legs that go on for days
that's what i'm imaginarily hitting
but
i'd never really want that, you know
i mean ongoing
but, really, even like a one time thing
does she seem like she'd be much fun

the spanish chick
she seems like a real person
but she's the one i'm identifying with
so
i'm not objectifying her, see

yeah yeah, i know, too much film analysis can change the way
you watch, anything

does this stuff make you uncomfortable
intrigue you
or
is it just
neutral information, meh

the bars came out good
i put so much stuff in em
and i wanted an herbal note, so i put rosemary
and rosemary is pretty much all i specifically taste
not in a bad way
but i'm surprised

and
i woke up with a superbad headache

well, you've been thinking something [dear god, it was all i could do not to visibly vibrate in front of customers]

and i didn't tell you about my dream
or my adventures
in energy bars
[making them]

i'm making some now
in fact

so i'll tell you about the dream later


i love you puppy

i woke up with a very strange image in my head, a double ended spoon

i don't really know what this is about yet, just wanted to talk [uh oh, i don't think you're gonna like this, sorry]

i worry
not
like
hard core worry
but, like, well i'm considering a bunch of stuff
and
oh my god will i make him fat
because i really really want to make you this:

you would not believe the intensity with which i want, right now to bake for you
but
maybe next week
i'll think you really need a special juice regime
but
i'm susceptible to positive reinforcement
so
cakes, all round

it's all cart before the horse, though

maybe
maybe what we have is better
than anything

i worry about that

maybe what you have, the whole combination
is better than it would be
in some other combination

maybe
maybe i love you more intensely, now
i mean, i think there's a lot of stuff i want
that i'm not getting
so
i can't really say this is my best case scenario
but, then i start picturing other types of scenarios
and i get
to be honest
kinda confused

what i want is

rather than pretending
that you were really in bed with me last night
arm wrapped around me
nuzzling my neck
and kinda rubbing against me

and
sometimes i worry that i'm too sexual
that i reduce things too much and so you think
this is just only ever going to be some sort of fling

i mean
i can tell myself how completely irrational that is
but still, maybe you think that's all i want, just steal your seed
and run off to the desert to raise a feral child
and
i don't think i'd be very good at that, anyway

what i want is

to get to do all the stuff i been wanting to do
to get to real-ly play with you
without losing the pretend play

what i want is to be play-mates, seriously
not for pretend
for real
play

and i want to make you so happy that you cannot believe it
and i want you to think that, though i sometimes irritate you
maybe to the point where you want to scream
that. even then, there is something challenging about it
that you would miss it, probably
and, anyway
you'd miss
me

and
your story doesn't make a lot of sense to me, right now
and i don't see the future
but
i do see something
some sort of horrendous cause and effect wheel
and it never quite equals us together
not together together

and maybe
maybe i shouldn't tell you that
maybe you'll change, in a bad way
because i said that
or maybe i've said that a thousand times before, i'm never sure

does it get better
or is this really already the best

what could you be getting from me that would be worth
all the trauma
to your world
it would take you to get it

were you scared that you were going to lose me back in february

how would that have changed your life

i'm not being a bitch
i really wonder

i cannot imagine
will not imagine my life without you

but
i have no clue what i'm doing

[and it's really bothering me
because i'm premenstrual, which heightens things
but, it's not just because i'm premenstrual]
understand

don't freak out
but
do
think
ok

i love you babka

i've had all these dreams
but they're just scenes really
nothing that makes much sense

in one i found this [i'm gonna say] wand
and i was showing that i could use it
but one of the things i did
was
zapped my teeth white

so maybe i have sensitivities to that that i never realized
i know debbie heather has preternaturally white teeth
and it looks good on her
[though i haven't seen her in a while
so could be out of date info]
but
personally
i've never wanted flashing white teeth
and
because of my coloring or whatever
they are naturally kinda translucent

i used to use, like forever,  http://lifegoggles.com/files/Jason-toothpaste.jpg

but then i tried rembrandt, and the health food brand was yucky
and i've been using rembrant for like four years now
but i'm trying https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR92DbYnWynn5SrXKjUmtHp2fMGS1qhgVCdINwGDkJZHozaW1OhyphenhyphenI-rxsX_M-2cCL1YsqrNZMQBqRqDXdUFSgWMpXmd8bpnynQ9cTc4O9vspX5mOZ0VMabdTxDCgChBj7fpC1b-r33wHWc/s1600/optic-white-colgate-toothpaste.jpg
which makes my mouth feel really clean
but i feel like it's uber unnatural

so mabe that's why the zapping
also
i really think
the jason was the most whitening of the bunch

this is why
i haven't been writing them down
it's not gonna do much for you

hang tight
it's gotta be soon

recipe -- yankee calavance

phase 1

2 bottles dark rain [black ipa]
2 cups chickpeas [soaked]
2t rosemary
2t cumin seed
1t fennel seed
2 large onions [chopped large]
2T smoked paprika
2t curry powder
2t konriko brand chipotle seasoning
2 2x3 piece of kombu
1/4 cup wakame
1 bag sundried tomatoes [about 10 oz] chopped
3 medium dried peppers [NM, ancho, or similar]
2T black truffle oil
2T better than bouillon [vegetable]
1 cup biotta beet juice

add enough water to cover cook in crock pot o high for 8 - 10 hours


phase 2

2t celery salt
1t spike seasoning
2T worcester sauce
2T black pepper
1T black truffle oil
2 - 4 dried shitake mushrooms

it is at this point that i would add carrots and turnips and potatoes [or whatever you want] and fill to the top with water.  turn down to low and cook another 6 - 8 hours.


i haven't finished this yet.  i'm at the turn it down and cook another blah blah, but i'm not adding the other veggies because i'm planning to eat it with rice and maybe blend it up and serve it over noodles as a stroganoff.  which is why i added all the veggie flavor without the veggies.

but even though it's not done, it's pretty darn meaty [maybe a little salty].  i think we're gonna have a winner.  no wine in this one.  just beer.

breakfast with mom

who pissed me off yesterday
pretty badly
plus cousin i haven't seen in 25 years

wish me luck

no whammies, by which i mean homicide

i can't remember

i know i had a bunch of dreams
but
what i was dreaming when i woke up
i guess
pushed everything else away

and
it doesn't make any sense
it's got to be symbolic

there was this girl
and i had somehow restrained her
so she was sort of planked out from a wall
she was naked
or, mostly naked
and tallish and thinish and blonde
not like beauty queen blonde
like oklahoma blonde
and not perfectly proportioned goddess
just a normal girl with smallish breasts
wider hips

and
she was pregnant
early pregnant
and i was feeling the lines of her
the way her body filled the space
lovingly
but not with prurient interest

at first she fought to get away
but then
she just relaxed
and let me

i love you

try to meet me in our dreams tonight
let's meet in a coffee shop
in an unusual location

i dreamed a bunch of stuff i mostly can't remember

i'm gonna try to just get down bits, for now

conversation with you
i told you a riddle
you answered correctly:
bruce springsteen
we were trying not to kiss
but we did


now you were a girl
and you were kinda
well, not ditzy
but
quirky and kawaii
and
i hung on your every word
listened to all your theories
silly theories
because you were just that adorable

those were from when i went to sleep on the sofa
last night, pretty early

the ones i just had
had something to do with wine, i think
but with us and wine
they are slipping away
and i have to go to work

i love you pickle

i love you

that's just what i feel
understand me

dear mother russia

what is it you love about me
you hit me up
like 15 times a day
what's up with that

am i linked somehow
to bigfoot
or
the chupacabra
or your equivalent

i thought i maybe had a reader
but
now
i'm not so sure

tonight's reading

http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/gwheel.php?numbers=71:65:6:29:25:7:27:13:42&deck=gt/&maxNumber=8&name=Optional&question=what%20does%20he%20really%20believe%20about%20our%20future%20together&date=no&backg=1&reading=

i love you

i've been in kind of a weird mood today
and
it comes and goes, really
i'm on the knife's edge
of happy
and
well, any day now
or maybe already
but
i don't think so

i keep having these surges
which i guess means you're thinking about me
and, i just wonder
about things

and
what you really believe will happen
and how you believe it will happen

and
if i should write speculative fiction
or
not

and
my friend is getting married
she told me about it months ago
she gave me a refrigerator magnet save-the-date
but i didn't pay any attention to the date, really
until now

and
i want you
pretty badly
and i don't even really mean sexually
i just want to hug you
and smell you a little
and then, kiss you
i have that so clearly in my mind
it's almost like it's happened
i used to think it would be all tentative, or else
frenzied
but
this is not either of those things

it's like
two people who have been apart too long
but are totally unselfconscious with one another
we're sitting next to each other
and
we just both lean in and kiss
like it was the only possible thing to do
like it had already happened a million times
like magnet and steel

not like the terror i sort of expect
with all the performance anxiety and rejection issues

like the brain chatter of the current incarnations just shut off
and we got back to whatever we had
wherever we had it before
just solid
not even lusty

just
the need
to be
one

wine

silver oak is really good
but
i really don't have any other $70 cabs to compare it to
the wines i'm used to
when i think "smooth"
i think not much in the way of tannin action going on
but this made me rethink that
there was plenty of tannin happening
but balanced
drawn in on itself, somehow
and there was a velvet mouthfeel
that kept everything civilized

i usually don't want to spend much money on wines
because i don't want them to be too precious
like the jar of creme de mer that never got used
i want them to be friendly
drink them
cook with them
whatever

but i did
almost exactly a year before i net you
spend $30 on a glass of tawney port
in a resort bar
in keystone

i love wine

question:

are you mackin on me really hard right now
or is silver oak cab really just that good